Award winning calamities

 Donkeys may often be the laughing stock of the animal kingdom, but I'll give them this - no other animals wear sombreros as well as they do.

Oh sure some people will tell you that a baby duck wears any hat well, especially traditional hats of proud people which have been commandeered as party hats by tequila drinking miscreant, which are often the most rambunctious of all the breeds of miscreants, but here is the thing, yeah sure baby ducks look good in any hat, but hat wearing is not just about looks, of course it’s not.

Hats are also about sun protection, and sombreros leave the end of a baby ducks bill catastrophically exposed to the sun. They’re just babies for fuck sake. And the ugly duckling may well have grown up to be a beautiful swan, but the duckling with the cancerous mole on it’s beak is the last to get a piece of bread in the pond by the old folks home, and there is so much sadness in the last sentence that I wouldn’t even know where to start deconstructing it into even deeper truth calamities.

Although I will tell you this, ever try to go on a jog with a baby duck in a sombrero? Well I have, and it fucking sucks. It’s always blowing off their heads, and then they have to waddle back and grab it, and then they end up covering way more steps than you do and win the award for best exerciser of the day at your club. I wanted that award damn it.

The point is that one food product which often gets falsely accused of having too many, or mysteriously sourced, animal stuffs in its make up is the humble delicious contraption known as sausage. One form of sausage us in Australia, among other delicious food loving nations, enjoy are sausage rolls.

For those who don’t know what these are, I’ll tell ya – it’s sausage meat, wrapped in pastry. Fuck yeah!!!

I was buying one today to eat for my food choice of that moment, because it was quick, because when you buy these they are typically sitting in a little oven box thing cooked and ready to eat right away. When you are in a rush this is awesome. Also when you are not in a rush it’s awesome, I’ll tell ya why – it’s sausage meat, wrapped in pastry. Fuck yeah!!!

Today though I was choosing it mostly for its speed qualities. But then something remarkable happened, as I took my sausage roll from the hands of the lady at the bakery, planning to eat on the run, she said something very unexpected and profound to me…. ‘Enjoy’.

That’s it. One word. A little word. Yet a word that says so much.

It stopped me in my tracks. I hadn’t planned on enjoying it. I was just going to shove it into my fat face quickly and get back to work. But inspired by her words, I still shoved it quickly into my fat face, but I also savored the flavor, a tiny psychological change, with minimal effort, that made all the difference and contributed heartily to today being the best of my life.

Also this turned out to be a particularly nice sausage roll today, I don’t know why, maybe because it was sausage meat, wrapped in pastry. Fuck yeah!!!

A best day ever dramatic turn

Today is the best day of my life, which is very easy to say right now, because I'm sitting backstage after the first performance of the short play I am performing in this weekend.

It went awesome.

This morning I wasn't sure if it was going to go awesome. I was merely a receptacle of nerves and regret for signing up to do this. Which wasn't fun, mostly because of the feelings of nerves I think, oh and the regret.

I think the nerves were sourced by the fact that while acting in this play I had to act on a stage in front of scores of strangers, something that is nerve racking. Also regret, because I was regretting doing something that caused all these nerves.

It was quite an ordeal. A nervous and regretful ordeal.

But then there was a change. I performed, and riding a wave of nerves, but replacing regret with adrenalin, I did well. We did well. The play did well. The show went well. And if I am honest, I enjoyed the heck out of it. Which is good because that’s why I signed up to do it.

I think I finally know what people mean when they say ‘things took a dramatic turn’. They mean they felt one way about something, and then performed an act of dramatic art, and having done so things had changed for them, you could even say they had taken a ‘turn’. (I’m not sure what it is when it’s more than a one act play).

And that’s the power of dramatic art. It can really make those who participate change how they are feeling from nervous to no longer nervous. That’s powerful.

Update: Things have taken a dramatic turn. Figuratively this time, and this may be the first time anyone has ever said that before.

I wrote those powerful words above while backstage after performing in my short play today. Reading them back they really make me see how things can sometimes turn from accelerating nerves to no longer facilitating the feelings of nervousness. That’s powerful. But in reading back these powerful words I realize I missed another powerful truth. While sure, performing dramatic arts can change something from being nerve encouraging to instead being no longer nerve inducing, and that’s powerful, I missed another part of the equation.

About to act in a play = nervous and regretful.

Dramatic turn = no longer nervous or regretful.

That’s clear, and powerful.

But that doesn’t tell the whole story. You see, as I caught, re-reading the above, I didn’t merely remove regret. No I replaced, or to put it another way, substituted it, regret that is, is the thing I swapped, and by that I mean that I traded it for adrenalin. This led to the dramatic turn, to once again use it in it’s traditional and more common literal way, and it was then that things turned awesome, which led to the now lack of feelings of nervousness or regret.

To put that mathematically.

Remove regret and replace with adrenalin = awesome life in everyway.

That’s clear, and powerful.

Wow, the dramatic arts really are awesome.  

A weeping ha of guilt

Alright I get it, today is the best day of my life, but it can't possibly be for everyone, and that's a crying shame.  

And it's a crying that it's a crying shame, but screw that, I'm a little bored with shame coming in a crying variety, I'm ready for a whole new brand of shame. A cankerous shame? An undermining shame? A salvational shame perhaps? Maybe a shame aura? No no no, wait, I've got it a maniacal shame! 

Yes, YES, YYYEEEESS!! That's the type of shame I could really salivate over WOO HA HA. 

I mean I do love a good crying shame still, don't get me wrong about that, in fact it's one of my favorite motivations for crying. Way better than mourning, or being badly injured or acting like a little girl you pussy you're a grown man for fuck sake, shut up Kevin I'm allowed to be upset I was enjoying that bag of peanuts. 

I'm not looking to limit shame, but rather expand it, and especially the available highly emotional varieties of it, because let's face it, people don't feel shame anywhere near as often as they used to, and I think maniacal shame could really get some conversations started. 

Consider this: 

'Why are you l laughing manically?'

'I hit a parked car and didn't leave a note'

'What? That's awful!'

'Woo ha ha, I know, I'm utterly disgusted with myself'. 

Wow, isn't that intriguing? Don't you want to know more? Don't you have questions you'd like answered? 

This could really take off, and shame could really get back to the forefront of our daily emotional spectrums where it belongs. 

Here are some easy fun tips to get started with feeling maniacal shame: 

- Steal something that really matters to someone you really care about, and find it both awful and hilariously evil. 

- Mug a bride for her flowers, and when she cries 'WHY?' Say 'to distribute to hospital patients' but then sell them instead, but give the money to soup kitchen, and then put a hair in one of the bowls of soup. 

- Own a Maserati  

The finest buoyancy of experience

I'll tell you the great thing about having four blocks of wood, start three fires and you've still got a block of wood!

That's something you just can't say about having three blocks of wood.

I don't have any blocks of wood today but it's still the best day of my life, and this makes me think of the following truths:

- I feel like eating fried rice.

- I hope the about fourteen year old kid on this train with a cigarette behind his ear who can't say anything without it being both moronic and extremely loud gets his head bitten off by a freak sized hawk.

- Then the hawk can eat that screaming baby.

- I think the fact that I choose that particular order for the Hawk’s eating is a sign I'm maturing.

- Oh fuck, now there's a kid about 10 years old making hawk noises.

- He’s sitting eight rows behind me; no way he can see what I'm writing.

- Can he read my mind?

- Or did my thoughts just start turning him into a freak-sized hawk?

- Holy fuck, if that dickheads head or that baby get eaten in the next couple of minutes it'll mean I'm all-powerful!

- Oh crap now the kid is making horse noises. Boo, horses NEVER eat humans.

- Damn it, who's in control here?

- If I still am then what could I possible want the horse for?

- I don't think the baby, nor the dumbass, are made of hay.

- Damn it.

- Plus all these animal noises the kid’s making are now giving me the shits, and even if he turns back to a hawk I doubt he's going to eat his own head off.

- Hey why not be positive, Dave? If I can turn a kid into a hawk maybe I can turn a kid into a hawk that eats its own head.

- Damn right!

- That’s optimism mother fucker.

- I need to buy straws on the way home.

The lesson is, if I had four blocks of wood I could throw one at each of these three noisy assholes and still have a block of wood!

You can't say THAT with three blocks of wood.

Lightly sparkling brilliance

Today is the best day of my life, because I was just buying a bottle of lightly sparkling water! I know, awesome story right? It's got everything you need to make a story great. 

- intrigue. Where did I buy it? How much did it cost? Did I buy it to quench my thirst? To add spark to my my next water-pistol war? To bless into holy water to pour on the graves of my recently slaughtered enemies? To spray after my next win in a formula one motor vehicle race so as to stop the waste of champagne? To quench someone else's thirst? Where did I buy it? The intrigue is endless. 

- Characters. Me? Possibly even someone else? Unless I bought it from a vending machine, but even then I may have had to wait in line, or ask someone to break a five? But what type of person would I choose to ask? The number of potential characters, and therefore personalities involved are endless. 

- Time pressure. I 'just' bought it. Why now? Why not 24 minutes ago? Why not an hour from now? The time frame this story could unfold in is riveting. 

So good story? Hell Yeah it's a good story. 

But it gets even better. The bottle I got has a fancy floral design and a lady saw me buy it and said. 

'What's that'? And I replied 'Lightly sparkling water' and then she immediately went and bought one too. 

It's taking off people. This could spread around the world. Who knows how far and to how many people this could spread to. The Queen of England? The president of the United States? The dude with the sourpuss face sitting with the lady who copied me? Wow! 

Can't wait to hear all your stories as it hits your part of the world. Have a great day everyone! Now I'm off to drink my lightly sparkling water. But how? From the bottle? With a straw? By osmosis? This story can't stop getting better! 

Clear and convenient

Today was the best day of my life, even though I didn’t do a single thing for the fourth time today. I did several things for the third time, two things for the sixth time, and one thing for the first time, which was a little on the nose if you ask me. Question’s being something I only permit twice per visit per friend, so did you really want to ask that?

Now I know what you’re thinking – you have a few questions, and I am happy to answer any and all questions with clear and honest answers.

Q - Why does it matter if you did something for the fourth time?

A - It doesn’t matter. I never said that it did. I merely said that I didn’t do anything for the fourth time today. In fact I have now said that twice.

Q – If it doesn’t matter then why raise it at all, let alone twice?

A – I also said I only answer two questions per friend per visit and one of them was about whether that other thing was on the nose. I never told you to waste your questions.

Q – If that was one of my questions then why wasn’t it broken up into a convenient and clear Q&A format?

A – I’m sorry, that’s another question, and I can’t answer more than two questions per friend per visit.

Q – Well you should have put the first question in a clear and convenient Q&A format!

A – Awesome, that was framed as a statement not a question, good for you, but unfortunately it was put right after a Q, within my clear and convenient Q&A format, you really should save your statements for a statement section.

Q – But you just made a statement, and you’re in the convenient and clear Q&A format too!

A – Ahh but you can make statements in the answer section. In fact to answer a question with a question would make a mockery of the clear and convenient Q&A format.

Q – Ahhh HAH! You answered another question!

A – No I didn’t, yours was a statement, not a question.

Q – But it was after a Q, in the convenient and clear Q&A format.

A – Oh fuck.

Q – You did it again.

A – Oh shit, you’re right. That’s the fourth time I’ve been tricked today. Wait a minute – I did something for the forth time. Yaaayy.

Q – It doesn’t count if it’s in the convenient and clear Q&A format.

A – Oh fuck you, you stickler for rules. Stop being a dick.