The Best Of The Best Of Lists - Number 7

The Hamburg zoo is nothing particularly special. 

It's a nice zoo, the grounds are lovely, and there are some cool beasts from the animal world, but as far as zoos go it's just - fine. 

There are no Panda bears. The last time the news covered the birth of adorable snow leopard kittens was in the 80s. And Mike who works the front gate has gotten old and surly, in fact I’ve heard that he wont let 16 year olds in for the under 15 price, EVEN if they look only like 14 still.

Yet in this zoo something remarkable is taking place. For there is a very special monkey in this zoo. I mean all monkeys are special, they are magnificent specimens, but one monkey here, named Shumpo, is especially special, you see, one day Shumpo woke up and thought…

 “Wait, if monkeys evolved into humans before, why can’t we do it again? You know what, I am going to try, I am going to try to evolve into a human”

Now, sadly, Shumpo’s comprehension of the biological sciences is rudimentary at best. She has no understanding of the process of evolution, so even though she understands the fundamentals, she has yet to grasp that it takes place over many generations, and thousands of years. So she probably wont ever reach her goal.

 Yet, and here is where it gets inspirational – she's giving it a red hot go.

She starts every day with a vigorous session of calisthenics, followed by a considerable stretching session designed specifically to allow for a more human like muscle structure and posture, and she follows that with an hour of tongue and jaw bone pokes and snatches to improve diction.  

Then she reads for a while, takes a nap (she's still a monkey) and then spends her afternoons, quote, "thinking like a human". 

Also, and yes it may lead to quite a few cuts, and some considerable razor burn, but she has managed to shave off most of the hair from the front of her body (she doesn’t have a mirror, so she doesn’t know she still has a hairy ass). And she has not just downloaded luminosity (the brain app) for her phone, but she’s completed almost ALL of the free trial exercises. And luminosity doesn't even have a Monkey setting. It is genuinely remarkable. 

 This year, Shumpo decided to step it up even further. And she, astonishingly, created her very OWN top ten list of the year list. 

Shumpo's list – Top Ten Fruits Of 2021.

Now sure, when compared directly to some lists that didn’t make the cut this year on OUR best of the best of lists list (like say Rolling Stones Top Albums List) the monkeys may seem, let’s just say it – worse. 

Rolling Stone has words for example, where as the Monkeys are mostly turd smears. But its not an apple to apple comparison (for the record Shumpo had THREE different types of apple on her list, none of which were Macintosh! Wow) But in turns of achievement, and inspiration, and punching above it’s weight, the monkey list KICKS ROLLING STONES ASS. 

 

So for that reason – Shumpo The Monkeys – Top Ten Fruits Of 2021 – Wins our – top ten best of the year list’s list’s – Number 7!

 Congratulations Shumpo! And we will eagerly watch your lists in the future and see where you end up. And just for the record, Rolling Stones early Best Of Album Lists were a bit of a turd smear too! (Grandfunk Railroad only number 6? Fuck you Rolling Stone). 

Ps. It turns out Mike at the front gate had cataracts and for a while there couldn’t accurately judge if kids looked young for their age (and therefore sort of deserved to pay the kids price).

The zoo has promised to pay for his treatment. And we wish all the best for late blooming teens in Hamburg in their upcoming zoo trips.

Also we just heard the lady snow leopard at Hamburg Zoo is PREGNANT!!! Yay. Send us your kitten name ideas in the comments!  

                                                                             Shumpo 

Stick Your Neck Out On - Number 8

Consider this...

It’s cold outside. Rain is falling, a full moon is shining, and wind is blowing. But you’re fine with rain, you’re sweet with the moon, and you’re a-ok with wind, but you don’t like cold. Not one little bit. 

“Shiver” you think with your body when you think about it.

So you're not going outside tonight. No way. It's a night inside for you. 

But then a series of events happens - first rain fucks up the TV arial, and then the moon shines on your wifi machine so dang hard that it breaks, and THEN the wind blows all your books out the window!

Suddenly you're inside - with NOTHING to DO!

NOOOOOOOO. 

Well fear not - at least fear not if you can satisfy these two criteria:

1. You have a neck 

2. You have checked out our number 8 list choice for this years best of the best of list of the year, list. 

That's right we are turning to - neckpod.gov.uk.org - and their truly wonderful end of year list....

2021’s Top 8 Things That Are Fun To Do With Your Neck Other Than, You know, Use It To Turn And Look At Stuff!

I mean we all knew that 2021 was a beak through year in neck usage fun - but we had no idea HOW great a year it was till we read this list!

This list was so great that we’re going to put our OWN necks on the line, and reproduce the list right here. So here they are...

2021’s Top 8 Things That Are Fun To Do With Your Neck Other Than, You know, Use It To Turn And Look At Stuff!

8. Try and see if you can lick your own neck. (You tried didn’t you - ha ha - hardly anyone can lick their own neck idiot). 

7. Play a rousing game of You've Been Neck Slapped - heres how you play...

- First, go up to someone and then slap your own neck 

- now yell "YOU'VE BEEN NECK SLAPPED" 

- and when they respond "no I haven't" 

- you should then go "Oh, explain"

 - at this point they will say "it was you who slapped your neck, that means YOU'VE been neck slapped" 

- and then you can go "So what would it require for YOU to be neck slapped?" 

- and when they say "it would require ME to be neck slapped" 

- Then you can go "I don't get it" 

- And then they, in a fit of anger and frustration, will start slapping their own neck while yelling "this, this, this is ME being neck slapped, okay, do you get it now?" 

- Now you can yell - "YOU'VE BEEN NECK SLAPPED WOO HOOOO!

- Now you can tweet online "I've just played a rousing game of - You've Been Neck Slapped" woo hooooo! 

6. Eat some sharp pointy spears. Now start a gambling racket betting on which side of your neck the sharp pointy bit will first stick out of - (Hint if you can get the sharp pointy bit AND the feathery bit on the end, to BOTH come out the same bit of your neck - then you are going to win some big money my friend). 

5. Scratch it (this one is most fun if it's itchy. If your not itchy we can recommend a variety or plants and/ or a swarm of Ecuadorian Sweat Mosquitos to drum up some itch. If you can't sweat we recommend buying some black market sweat to encourage the Mosquitos).  

4. Wonder how life would be different if instead of a neck people had a Simon and Garfunkel album between their mouth and torso. Now wonder how Simon And Garfunkel would be different if instead of albums they sold necks! Now pitch the second one as a bio-pic in the vein of Rocket Man and Bohemian Rhapsody - I BAGS PLAYING GARFUNKEL! 

3. Draw scenes from the Old West on your neck - now look in the mirror and spin - YOU'VE JUST MADE THE OLD HOLLYWOOD MOVIE STUDIO SYSTEM DEFUNCT - woo hoo - finally!

2. Neck - more like NECK - yeah that's right - more like itself - you've just invented SEQUELS! 

And the number one thing of 2021 that is fun to do with your neck, other than use it to turn and look at stuff, was....

1. Mongolian throat singing - nope - Mongolian NECK singing! 

Once again Congratulations to neckpod.gov.uk.org for their wonderful list and also for making it to number 8 on Fleeting Forever's best of the best of lists of the 2021. 

Join us again tomorrow for number 7 - will 7 be heaven? Nope, heaven once again failed to make a single Best Of list this year, what a fucking pile of steaming shit - is there good stuff up there or not? And if so, put it in list form dang it - its the easiest way to rank shit! 

Still, what WILL be seven, will be pretty dang great, maybe even just maybe, a little slice of heaven. 

Ps. Don't worry,  we didn't really put our neck on the line, we have permission from, neckpod.gov.uk.org, their computer servers have been OUT OF CONTROL with the success of this list. And as a result their website keeps crashing, so they are more than happy to have another copy of their wonderful list here on this blog - the ONLY blog that has gone through each and every one of the 2021's Best of Lists, and then is offering to you, the reader, a list of the best of the best of lists of the year, a list.

Pps. If it turned out that you COULD lick your own neck, please get in touch with neckpod.gov.uk.org - they have an offer you are going to want to hear. 

Ppps - I want to start a band called Neck Slapped - no no a DANCE called the neck slap - wait, written and performed by the band - Neck Slapped! YES. Please call me if you can play slap bass guitar with your neck. 

Pppps - Simon and Gardefunkel more like it! Am I right? 

                                                                       A Neck 

The years best "best of the year list" lists - Number NINE

Every year, at the end of the year, or the beginning of the next year - one thing is clear - every media outlet in the world does the same thing - produce one or more list of things they consider to be the best example of a thing that fits within some sort of easily defined category of that previous year. Lists like: 

Best songs of the year.

Favorite meals of the year.

Top ten people named Oliphan of the year.

Reasons why last year was the best year for King Lear. 

Best ways to mime a hornet attack.

And more. 

You’ve read or heard them all before. Over and over again. 

But ONLY here at Ok, Intriguing do we comb through each and everyone of these best of lists, and deliver directly to you, a list of the best of the best of lists, in our annual best of the best of lists, a list.

That's right, welcome to the Fantastical everyone - here is this years - Number 9.

Picture this - you’re in the Baltic States.

Nice right?

Well it gets even better.

Now picture THIS - you’re in the Baltic States and you’ve got a working television!

Woo fucking hell yeah motherfucker! 

Now it’s not just nice - nope, now you’re in a bliss zone of blissful blissfulness and/ or full of joy - cause you get to watch Channel 12’s News at 12 in the Baltic State of Estonia - a news program which ROUTINELY gets ranked in the top 17 news/ current affair/ or nature documentary program in Eastern Europe, excluding large markets, defined as markets with over a million residents, eg Prague or Budapest (pronounced Budaprecsht).

That’s right - News at 12 is the real deal. Bouncing out hard hitting news, genuinely emotional think pieces, AND some of the best post weather zingers in the entire former Soviet State region, in this case INCLUDING big markets such as Prague and Budapest (pronounced Budaprecsht).

But we’re not here to rate news programs, we're here to rate best of best of the year best of lists, lists - and in this department Channel 12 News at 12 in the Baltic State of Estonia - was OUTSTANDING this year.

Now let’s just deal with the controversy right up top - for OUR number 9 we are specifically talking about the Channel 12 News at 12 at midnight. 

We are NOT talking about the Channel 12 News at 12 at noon. 

And yes, we agree the Channel 12 News at 12 at noon ALSO had some great best of lists this year. Some really great ones. 

I personally enjoyed - "best Baltic states of the year that aren’t Estonia" - Some felt they should have included Estonia in the list - to see where they rate themselves - but I’m not one of those people. 

Plus, you know what - I bet half of those people don’t even WATCH Chanel 12 news at 12, noon NOR midnight - cause if they did - they’d KNOW that not talking about Estonia... Is . Their . Whole . THING! It's their SIGNATURE DANG IT! 

So don’t criticize if YOU DON'T KNOW. It was a great list. We liked it. Loads of people liked it. It didn't make our top ten this year, but that doesn't mean it wasn't great. 

What was SPECTACULAR though - in our opinion - was our official number 9 pick. 

That's right - it was the Channel 12 News at 12 at midnight - and their spectacular list: 

2021's Top Things To Do At NOON. 

Did it baffle some people? Sure. "Wait, I thought this was the news at midnight, why are they talking about noon?" was a common complaint. As was "oh shit, it's noon? my watch is broken".

But these people just missed the point. They didn't understand the pure mischievousness of it. The guts. The staff at Channel 12 News at 12 at midnight's face cheeks were practically bleeding from the deep tonging they were dishing out. 

We’re the things actually ON the list genius? 

You know what, probably not:

- Pay for brunch

- Return from your late morning walk

- Plan to mock a Lithuanian behind their back and then boast to a Latvian about it

 They were all routine every day Estonian things.

 Which is what you’d expect from Chanel 12 news at 12 at midnight.

And yet, when you know the program, you know to expect to not get what you expect from Channel 12, so when you DO get what you expect, you did NOT expect THAT! Genius. Then with the noon twist?? 

Fuck yes! Get on our best of the best of lists list, list Channel 12 News At 12 at midnight - spectacular, shocking, astounding and dang well exiting work. 

 

Join us again tomorrow for number 8. And are we heading over to Budapest (pronounced Budaprecsht)? No we are not. 

But where we do head, might just give you a sore neck, oh yes, a very sore neck. 

                                                       Estonia

Ps. EVERY year is the BEST year for King Lear - it just keeps getting better and better! So Fuck off with your piece of shit hacky list - for shame Forbes.com. 

The years best "best of the year list" lists - Number Ten

Well it's that time again everyone. Another year has come to a close. And with that lots of things are true -  optimism for a new start, summer and/or winter, depending on where you are, is stepping up a notch, and/or not changing much, again, depending on where you are - and also every single Newspaper, TV Show, Blog, Radio Station, Magazine, Bathroom Graffiti Artist, Lumberjack, Skywriting Team, Content Creation Friendship Group, Soapbox Monologist, and Newsletter Email Spammer has done the same thing - released some sort of list surmising what they consider to be the best examples of something that has taken place in the past year. 

Top Ten Lists. 

Most Memorable Moments Anthologies. 

Best Of The Year Summations. 

And more. 

But ONLY here, at the Fleeting Forever Expansion Fantastical, do we go through each and every one of these best of lists, and make list of the best of the best of lists, in list form. 

And, wow, 2021 was a big, baffling, at times brilliant, and at times borderline boorish year - and with that I can only say - what a dang bumper year for best of lists it's been! Spectacular work everyone. 

The summations have been like gorgeous bows on tightly snug gift boxes - the "special mentions" sections have been shocking, and revelatory - and some of the number ones, well, I can only say it - wow, some of you have more guts that I will ever have. "Con-Tro-Ver-Sial!" my friends. Bravo to everyone. 

Still there can only be one winner. But there can also be nine more in total, because we are going for a Top Ten List this year, and so without further adieu - let's kick it off. 

Here is your Number TEN best best of list of the year, list 

TEN - Hobbies 'N' Other Things Magazine

                                                                            

                                                                            A Ten 

The pages of Hobbies 'N' Other Things Magazine seem to cackle when you open them. The glossiness of the high quality matte paper sings. Even the advertisements for things like Chess Boards, Yo-Yos and intricate modular recreations of medieval battles between Horse Hordes and Dragon Backed Vikings seem to whisper a welcoming speech of acceptance, an acceptance that neither the Horse Hordes nor the Norse Lords would dare offer each other. For that is the lure of the hobbies, and also the 'n' other things, to be found the Hobbies 'N' Other Things Magazine in any given issue.

Still, even though the average edition is full of easily digestible and overtly passionate explorations of various hobbies and also 'n' other things, the magazine, and I am sure they would admit it themselves, peaks, like the peak of some glorious mountain, like say Peak Mountain in Colorado, with its annual article:

Best Hobbies 'N' Also Other Things Of The Year

This year was no exception. Moreover, this years edition was like a peak on-top of another peak! Like say had someone taken Peak Mountain from Colorado and then dumped it on the other Peak Mountain in the Rockies, in Wyoming

(Although if it were me, I’d personally prefer to move Peak Mountain Wyoming and put that one on Peak Mountain Colorado. Sure it might be taller, but most geologists and mountalogists that I’ve spoken too claim that the Wyoming Peak Mountain, actually has more mass than the Colorado Peak Mountain, due to it's core being made with a higher density granite mix, possible due to a lack of snow drifts in the region in the last decade of the therasix era, and therefore the Colorado Peak Mountain may actually be easier to move. But if you ask me, I wouldn't actually move either of them, I’d be too busy reading about hobbies and 'n' other stuff, in Hobbies 'N' Other Stuff Magazine, a Magazine that DOUBLE peaked in this years finale, particularly in their - Top Ten Hobbies and 'N' Other Things - cover story).

I won’t repeat the whole list, I’m sure you’ll be checking that out yourself, but it's indisputable to say - this year they NAILED the balance between Hobbies and the 'N' other stuff. 7 hobbies. 3 other stuffs.

Mwahhh. Perfect.

But here’s where they exceeded even their own excellence.

Perhaps spotting a trend...

Perhaps to be antagonistic or subversive...

Or perhaps just because their dedication to accuracy is the best in the whole business...

They had the entire top 3 be ALL 'n' other stuffs.

Wow.

“Hats off to you my friends” (and if you haven't read the article, that was actually a hilarious call back to the article - as the number 2 hobby or 'n' other thing of the year, was the activity of hat shopping, where the author of the piece, Shonty Hogan, whimsically recalled the joy of not just trying on a hat you like, but also the joy of TAKING off a hat you don’t like. Haha, brilliant)

That’s why Hobbies and 'N' Other Things Magazine, is not just the best in the business, but this year has also scored itself the coveted number 10 position, on this years:

Best of "The Best of lists" list countdown here at the Fantastical. 

Congratulations Hobbies and 'N' Other Things Magazine!

And also, congratulations to us. Consider this years lists kicked off. 

Tomorrow number 9 - and will Oscar Cintown, repeat his shocking and astounding and yet exciting number 9 position from last year for his podcast The Witching Hour’s Top Ten moments from our show this year??

 No! He will not. Frankly he seemed to phone it in this year.

But what IS number 9 will shock, astound and yes definitely excite you.

Cya then.

Ps. Please don't actually move Peak Mountain and drop it on the other Peak Mountain, OR move the other Peak Mountain and drop it on Peak Mountain - that would actually just be a shitty thing to do. 

                                                                Peak Mountain 

Things to say to a Flying Donkey you’ve awkwardly mistaken for one of Santa's reindeer

We’ve all been there - it’s Xmas day, you’ve been nogging on the egg, the whiskey sours have been too sweet to avoid, and you've gotten high as fuck on grandmas Xmas poetry reading… 

So … you take a break outside for some fresh air. Or to … “get a little sky fuel” as you like to say it to your fellow party goers, you cheeky bastard.  

You stroll out. The “fuel”  is crisp. The sky is open. It’s freeing. And it’s oh so dewy dewy fresh. And that’s The GOOD kind a dew (not like fucking dewy dewy stale - who let this dew go stale? If you're not going to use it, put it in the freezer dang it!) 

It’s been a magical day, a magical Christmas Day - and all this magic, well, that’s got you believin’ in magic my friend. 

So when you gaze upwards, the moon light dancing in your eyes, and you see two clouds separate, like a nail going into wood shown in reverse, and between those clouds you see a brown hooved beast flying towards you through the air, you can’t help but scream... 

“Yyaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy” 

Then it lands in front of you. A smile on its mullet that could raise a loaf of bread (“self” raising flour - my ass). And that’s when you realize.  

“Oh shit, I thought I was yayying one of Santa’s Reindeers, but this is just your run of the mill, stock of the trade, bland as a mule - flying donkey….

shit” 

What do you do? 

Tell it - 'sorry I thought you were a flying reindeer'? 

No. That’ll hurt it’s feelings. 

Say - 'ooops, sorry, I thought you were someone else'? 

Nope. That’ll hurt it’s feelings. 

Think - 'Goop, I thought you were my flying donkey buddy “Sonnington” who I have a yaaayy greeting tradition with'?

No way. You don’t want to besmirch the name of your good friend the flying donkey  Sonnington- that’d hurt HIS feelings 

So what DO you do?

Well take it from me, someone who’s been there more times than I can count (I used to be able to count, until my buddy Sonnington back heeled me in the temple). You have nothing to fear. Follow MY tips and you too can avoid mistaken identity Social humiliation. 

So here they are, my personal, tried and tested:

Top Ten Things to say to a flying donkey to try and convince it that your glee upon seeing them wasn’t because you originally mistakenly thought they were one of Santa’s reindeers, and want to save face both for you and the bland donkey you’ve accidentally elevated to the level of “possibly interesting”, even though it isn't.  

1. Just admit it - maybe the flying donkey needs to know that it’s just that - a boring god damn run of the mill flying donkey.

2. Ask it - what the fuck is a mill anyway? 

3. And why is running said mill apparently bad?

4. Cause RUNNING just about anything has at least SOME panache right? Running a road crew, running a rowing crew or even crewing a road runners rabbit hunt! 

5. I mean you’re RUNNING IT - that means you’re in charge for fucks sake!

6. Top of the tree.

7. Milk of the teet.

8. Angel of the mass of space between here and heaven.

9. You RULE. 

10. Well you rule this weird pointless space at least. But rule you do. 

11. And what is that space called anyway? 

12. It's not heaven. It's not earth. It's got to be something. 

13. Whichever Angel was in charge of running the naming ceremony fucked THAT up BAD. 

14. Plus running?

15. That’s a dang OLYMPIC sport!

16. An event established in fine and historic nation of Greece.

17. A fine and historic nation that up till now has a fine and historic BAN on all flying Donkeys.

18. And Flying Honey Bangers.

19. AND AND AND flying Springboks! 

20. Sure they let in Flying reindeer- but do they do it from love? No. they do it from FEAR!

21. Not that flying hooved beasts are anything to be feared. 

22. So if you think I was judging you flying donkey, then you are wrong wrong….

23. Really Wrong. 

24. Look I'll just say it "Sorry dude, I thought you were a reindeer. My bad". 

25. But, In my defence I heard rudolf was once mistaken for a levitating warthog! 

26. And if you think you’re better than a levitating warthog then you’ve probably never heard the awesome Math Rock band - Levitating War Pig!

27. Did you think I was going to say Levitating Warthog? 

28. Ha ha , Like anyone would name a band after a “warthog”, ha ha ha.

29. See, we’re having a laugh now - nothing awkward about that

30. Saying “nothing awkward about that” is a bit awkward though…

31. Dang 

32. I’ve got carrots - want one?

33. Ok two 

34. Now ya love me!

35. Yay

36. I love me too 

Yay. 

Well I think We’ve answered this one:

 
Spotting a flying donkey instead of one of Santa’s reindeers ultimately leads to YOU finally being able to tell yourself that you love yourself. 

Awwww. 

Thanks flying donkeys ! 



Todays blog was brought to you by: 

Levitating War Pig - the best Math rock band this side of the great pork-rock belt.  

And 

“Self love - if you want it - then stay away from fucking Santa”. 

And

Mills - run one today - you’ll feel GREAT about yourself. 

And 

Grandmas poetry - look most poetry sucks - not grandmas. Plus she made you soup! 

Awwww. 

Yay.  

And Now The December Journal of "Chrissie Orment", The Christmas Ornament

Hi everyone, my name is Chrissie, um, Chrissie Orment, I live in Wisconsin USA, oh yeah, and I am a Christmas tree ornament. Um, so yeah, Fleeting Forever asked me to write a journal this month so you all could know what the Christmas period is like for us ornaments. Um. Here's a selfie of me, so you know what I look like and that... 

                                     Me! 

So yeah, here it goes. 

December 1st

It’s December again. It's been another tough year. But if I’m lucky I’ll be out of this storage box soon, and once again hanging out in the open, on the tree, bringing Christmas joy to everyone. 

I cannot wait. 

I’m so excited!

Then again, careful what you wish for Chrissie, you did this to yourself the last three years, the box opens earlier than ever, you think all your Christmases have come at once, and suddenly the complaining starts.

“You’re out too early,” 

"I don't want to see a tree yet"

"Already?" 

"What's next hot cross buns in January?"

"I haven't even digested Thanksgiving yet!"

"What's this on my face, a spider? Aaagghhh, oh shit, no it was just a bit of tinsel. Tinsel already? AAGGGGGGAGG"

"No, not yet, NOOOOO"

The humans complain. They're ALWAYS complaining about how early we come out. 

Those bastards. "Hey, I don't want to hear you complaining dick. Try spending a year in a box and then have people MAD they let you out"

No no Chrissie, don't be like that. You're all about joy. So BE about joy. 

It's December, Christmas is coming, yay. 

December 3rd

Still in the box. Which is fine. Like I said, the it's too early. Sure I WANT to be out. I LOVE being out, so why wouldn't I want that? Yet, I don't LOVE when the humans complain about me and my friends being out. 

I try not to get angry. I really do. I'm all about joy! 

But...  I let it get to me some years. I just do. I get my feelings hurt. I cry. I start threatening to spot some human who is barefoot, and then time it just right, and then jump off the tree, crash into eighty glass pieces all over the floor and fuck up that barefoot for life. 

But it’s not worth it Chrissie. 

I remind myself. And it isn't. Plus I'm still in the box, so what are we arguing about anyway. 

Joy. Joy. Joy. 

YES! 

December 4th 

I mean, Mike the bulb did that eight years ago, just dove right in front of a barefoot, and the human who's foot he went into was walking again by Valentines Day!

But where’s Mike now? 

Landfill. That’s where. 

Oh and that one little piece of him is still in that humans foot. But still. Hold it together. Be strong. The humans come around in the end.

Besides, still in the box, so yeah, it's irrelevant. 

December 12th 

Joy to the world. Joy Joy and more Joy. 

Still in the box. 

Which is great. It really is. Absolutely NO danger of being accused of being out too early this year. 

Lol. 

I was stressing for nothing. 

Just sitting tight in a box stressing for nothing. 

In a box, in an attic, in the dark. No reason to stress. 

Plus, Christmas is SOOOON. Well sooonish. 

Awesome! 

December 13th 

Still in the box. 

December 14th 

Still in the box. 

December 15th 

Um, STILL IN THE FUCKING BOX. 

Joy. Joy. Joy. Joy. Joy. Joy. Come on Chrissie. 

Fuck. I am ready to spread joy. Come on. Open the box. Lets get this on. 

December 16th 

Come on fuckers, this is getting ridiculous. I know you've had a hard year too, but us Ornaments and the other decorations are STILL IN A BOX! 

December 17th 

Fuckers, can you hear me, fuuucccckers!

Joy joy fucking joy. 

December 18th 

Alright just let us out. I get it humans. I do. You were ALSO worried about being "too early". Hey who amongst us has never worried about being "too early" if you know what I mean (if you don't I was referencing premature ejaculation). 

But hey, good news, you don't have to worry about it. It's December 18th. No one is going to call you "too early" this year. You nailed it! Congratulations buddy. Well done. 

Now, open up this little box, fling me and my friends on the tree, and let us spread some fucking joy, alright? 

December 19th 

Look, I am trying to be nice, but this is definitely NOT a "too early" scenario now. In fact you are very close to copping a "no decorations, what are ya some sort of grinch?" type comment. And you do NOT want that. And you know who else doesn't want that.... MEEEE! 

Come on Chrissie, Joy, all you need is Joy... Joy ta Joy ta Joy. 

December 20th

Fuck joy. 

Let us out of this box. OUTTT!! 

Hang us, and wrap us, and light us UP! Let's get this happening. 

December 21st 

Seriously, still not. We are STARS. Stars dang it. 

I mean Jeremy the star ornament is LITERALLY a star. 

People go crazy when they see us. Crazy for joy. Get us up. Up up up. 

December 22nd 

Then again, now that I think about it, no one EVER goes crazy for ME.

Hang on (a rad term by the way, reminds people of things that hang, rad stuff, like ornaments and shit) Sheila, the Angel, always gets “awwwwws”, and “oh it’s so wonderful”, and "wow, lovely, nice, an angel" and stuff like that. Sure, she's an angel. 

Horban, the picture of The Simpsons at Christmas, get's "Oh cool, I think I have seen that episode". Yay, good for him. He deserves it. It's a good TV show. 

And then Gary, the anatomically correct naked Jesus ornament, well he always gets laughs. Big laughs too. 

But those laughs are cheap. Shitty shock value laughs. "Hey look it's Jesus's dick" laughs. 

And I get that, normally a naked Jesus ornament has like the Ken Doll nothing, or a sheath. Gary has full dick and balls, hilarious. I'm not denouncing that. I enjoy a cheap laugh too. 

But then where are my laughs. 

I mean I am funny dang it. 

I am a Christmas ornament of a Christmas tree that’s hung ON a Christmas tree. It’s perfect fucking irony. 

A tree on a tree - why does a tree need a smaller tree? Is there an even smaller ornament of another tree on me? And then another on that? 

It's brilliant. It's a thought poker. And it's IRONIC. 

But these numbskulls don’t get irony do they? “Oh it’s Jesus’s penis, ha ha fa la la la la fuck you”. "A tree on a tree, I don't get it, let's look at Jesus's penis again". Fuck. 

December 23rd 

I bet that if I was in England I'd get laughs. 

Yeah, over there they’d get me. I’ve seen Ricky Gervais’s The Office Christmas special; those Brits love irony. Here in America though, not at all. 

You know what, I wish America had lost the damn War of Independence. Yeah I said it. The people would be toasting the Queen, and loving me. What a beautiful thought.

Then again, let’s face it. Regardless of whether I lived in England, America, or the United States of the British Empire, I know what happens, people see Gary and laugh, then they see me, I get no laugh, or maybe even I do get a laugh, but then they look six inches to my right and yell “yaaaaaayyy candy cane!” 

Candy Fucking Cane. 

The Christmas ornament that people can stick in their fat mouths. 

I just can’t compete with peppermint. Those assholes go nuts for them. I don’t get it. They don’t eat peppermint all year and yet now suddenly it’s like giving a dead squirrel to a wild dog. 

They rip em open with their teeth. Spit plastic on the floor. Suck on em till they’re pointy spikes, crunch them till they’re not sure if they’re eating shards of candy or shards of broken tooth, but they don’t care. 

"Just look over there idiots, there’s much better stuff to consume" I want to scream. "There’s snowmen shaped sugar cookies on that table, on the mantle there’s chocolate in the advent calendar, that bowl in the kitchen has sweet rum soaked salted caramel eggnog". Fuck, if I had a mouth I would deck the halls with the sound of me licking that bowl so clean the glass would turn back to sand. 

Stupid humans.

Then again, I guess that’s only the set up of a wealthy family’s house. 

I hope this year, if I ever get out of this fucking box, I hope I’m in the house of a REALLY rich family. 

Shit, that sounds so wrong when I write it down. I’m not a snob am I?

The thing is, there’s just more presents. It makes the whole picture of the tree much prettier. It’s ok that to want that right. It’s literally my job. Be part of a beautiful tree scenario. That's the gig. 

You know and something about joy I think. 

Why does Santa give more gifts to the rich anyway? It makes no sense. They already have more stuff. Then he claims the test is actually a naughty vs. nice battle? 

So a poor kid is all nice, and get’s squat, and rich little shit naughty fucks the world, and get lots? 

Why?

Oh wait a minute. No way. Holy fucking Night. Is Santa trying to teach Americans… IRONY! That fat genius. I love you Santa. And those idiot humans have no idea. Morons!

Joy joy joy joy joy joy joy joy joy! 

December 24th

I don't CARE that I'm still in the box. I finally understand Christmas. Soon the world will all know what Irony is, and THEN when I am out, I will be the funniest fucking ornament EVER! 

Wait.

I think I hear something. 

The attic stairs are opening. Hark now, hear the Angeles sing! Our box is moving. Shelia, Gary, everyone, wake up! 

Look the box is opening. Look, sunlight, tinsel, stockings, eggnog, SNOW! It’s all so beautiful. Yay. Oh my god I take it all back. This is the best. It’s here. It’s Christmas. The most wonderful time of the year! Joy to world, and Merry fucking Christmas everyone!

The End 

PS. 

- Chrissie DID get some laughs this year. Although mostly because someone stuck her up the Angels butt. 

- The last bit of Mike finally fell out of the humans foot while he was getting a foot massage by a new lover - he cried like a baby - she found it "the sweetest thing ever" - they're getting married and have a "zero glass bauble policy" at their wedding. Sandra "Christmas All Year" Klops has yet to RSVP. 

- The anatomically correct naked Jesus was deemed "inappropriate" this year and put in the bin. 

- Irony went on to be named "finally funny" by Newsweek Magazine. 

- No one is sure if a tree on a tree IS irony or not though. 

- Chrissy now works for the stage show Jagged Little Pill. 

- "Joy Joy Joy Joy Joy" is still a lovely sentiment.   

- Merry Xmas, and Happy Holidays and such. 

- Yay.