We are at the opening of the most amazing construction job ever built. I am a special guest, as is all my family, as we are well respected in both the literature and business worlds (because great writers always get invited to building openings? What the fuck!).
This structure is purely amazing. The tallest thing ever built by man. A massive holy metal framed column reaching up to the sky. And if that wasn't enough built right along side one of the steepest and deepest cliff faces in the known world. (With the city of Budapest at the bottom some how, mmmm Budapest).
Of course, as this is not a drama, but an action story, the cliff gives way under the massive weight of the structure (actually earth is giving away all over the fucking place).
I am situated at the bottom, in the middle of the hollow part of the structure, with a view intending to be upwards watching the magnificent feat of human technology rise above me, instead I spot a gap in between the building and the crumbling cliff and dive into the hole and towards the deep fall (to Budapest, I don't know why).
My ability to fly becomes in valuable now. As it would in most cases of falling into seemingly endless falls (Budapest is a long fucking way down), but rather than fly back up to the carnage above me I go with the flow, along with other potential survivors who have made their way into the cliff fall).
We are not ones to take this opportunity and not enjoy it. We enter a car race using children s toy cars made to be like Bat-mobiles and Simpsons characters and have a great time heckling each other of our car choices.
We stop and eat in some of the excellent cafes and restaurants which for some reason are still open even though it is clear this is probably the end of the world (I'm pretty sure by now even Buddapest has crumbled away, that or it was just a fuck up in the script I chose to pretend never happened rather than justify it no longer being there).
I stopped and bought a couple of mixed CDs which was really weird cause I'd never do that, I only buy whole albums for I wish to hear the music the way the artist intended it to be heard.
Of course all this tomfoolery could not continue. Serious business had to be taken care of, and in fact it was about to get serious like having one of those used tampon bins kept next to public toilets dumped on your head.
Actually even more fucking serious.
As the earth continued to crumble away an ancient city opened up in front of us, and there was Jesus, still nailed to the cross.
We paused to watch a documentary which explained a lot of what was going on, the posh British host of the show explained to us that Jesus was in fact still nailed to the cross, still suffering, although fortunately by some luck the nails hadn't rusted, so at least he didn't need a tetanus shot. He told us a lot more, but it was kind of a boring documentary, and the scenery was amazing, so I decided to press on.
In fact my instincts couldn't have been more spot on, for I came to two small tombs, to the wings of Jesus on the cross, where I now remembered Mr Posh British TV host told us that, upon this crumbling of the earth, Jesus 2 was to be born. And I was the first to arrive. Therefore I was Jesus 2.
Fuck year, ladies and gentleman, please let me introduce myself - Jesus 2, your new king, bow before me, worship me, and I will make all your dreams come true, cross me and I will destroy you.
And now I wake up.
This was my dream after insomnia kept me up till at least 6am, despite barely sleeping for a week. I woke up in a deep pool of my sweat, freezing cold as the sweat had been cooled by the winter nighttime air, but still you know, fucking tired, and a little curious about where this dream was going, and a little pissed off I had set my alarm so early, so I hit snooze, hell fucking yeah I hit snooze.
Over the course of a couple of snoozes, a couple of memories from the documentary came back. The main one of course being that of course Jesus 2 was to be born in this tomb, he was not just the first dude who showed up. Plus the woman who would give birth to this baby would become Jesus 2 father, but he wouldn't like you know get to have sex with her or anything.
That's right, in my dream, despite my rare ability to fly, my great skills driving a toy car fire truck, my excellent taste in fine dining (I had pizza) and my shit music taste, I had unbelievable cast myself as not king to man, but as one of the most pathetic and surely tortured men in all history - Joseph.
Yes Joseph, a man so poor he can't afford a bed for even one night, a man who is married but still can't get his wife to have sex with him, a man who allowed his virgin wife to become pregnant 'to a man in the sky', a man who still stood by her as she gave birth to a son who would call this man in the sky 'Father', a man who listened when his wife said 'you know what we should probably never have sex, the man in the sky thinks it will make a better story'.
Fuck you, I don't want to be Joseph, let me be someone else.
So anyway, I used to joke that I was Adam reincarnated. I have a a huge gap in my ribs on my right side which I pretended was where God took a rib to create Eve, to be Adams companion.
I joked about this for years as a youngster, until it occurred to me I was too shy to even talk to girls, so suggesting girls were literally created to be companions specifically to ME, suddenly made this joke a little depressing.
For the record I used to have a doubtless belief in god as a teenager, although I didn't believe in all the dogma and how different people could worship the same god and think there way is the only way and fuck off the rest of us to hell. But my faith drifts away slightly more every year, to the point now where I guess I probably just kind of hope there is some sort of enjoyable after life. (If I become a ghost I think I'll hang around a Comedy Club, or perhaps a 24 hour movie theater).
Anyway, just thought I'd share.
By the way, from the top of my head right now, up until now I think there were only two modern stories written which made me think 'fuck me, I wish I'd written that, I want to write something as good as that, I am jealous of that, I love that, thats genius' and you know stuff like that.
Up till now those two were
- Being John Malkcovich &
- Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind
Both by Charlie Kaufman. That fucking Genius. The one writer on earth I am jealous of.
Anyway I third story/film has come up - Big Fan, by Robert D. Siegel and starring Patton Oswalt. As a former short fat, going no where loser, who survived through the love (passion/obsession) of his sport team this couldn't have been more perfect and heartbreaking and fucking genius. Check it out.
Life is short. Or perhaps it lasts for a really, really long time. No one is really sure. Which sucks. If they can't figure that out definitively then what else don't we really know? The perfect size for a jar? What a fuckin' miserable thought. Fuck that. Instead here are the silly, weird, unhinged, absurd, silly, stupid, completely unrelated to hinges (moslty), poorly edited, outpourings and thought vomits of a silly idiotic teddy-bear of a dickhead. Staring David 'Pinky-Von-Sox' Tieck
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
I am 'Jesus 2: Even Jesuyerer'.... oh wait
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