Saturday, April 4, 2015

An Outrageous Antiquity

I have a New Life Goal: 

Do something outrageous enough to get an entire picnic thrown at me, people and all. 

And then I can throw something at whoever the assholes were who thought it was ok to throw people! People for fucks sake. I mean for shame. Yeah you! 

Sure whatever I did was outrageous. That much I admitted to up top. But I assume whatever it was I did didn't happen at the picnic, because those are places for family fun, and friendship feelgoodness, not outrageous antics. And even in my most outrageous moods I would never disparage that beautiful picnic code. 

So whatever I did was enough to get you to carry an entire picnic set, possibly including things as diverse, cumbersome and heavy as picnic tables, picnic baskets, picnic red and white checkered table clothes, picnic bugs, picnic spilled soda right into the picnic sandwiches which are now picnic gross, picnic weather, the picnic softball game, the picnic one kid who spends too much time in left field picking his nose to pick up the ground-drive to pick off his picnic dad at picnic third base like he deserves for being too picnic competitive for a picnic game, the picnic dip, the picnic pan-flute band, the picnic fear of sunstroke, the picnic spider who won't be seen all day and hitchhike home in an only half eaten container of picnic potato salad, and even picnickers - all the way to wherever it is I did this outrageous thing. And that can't of all been easy to carry. Half eaten potato salad for example sometimes gets an icky residue on the outside. 

So whatever I did it was probably pretty outrageous. But still you're throwing people? For shame. So yeah, I'm throwing something back at you. I've got all sorts of fun, unique and worthy ideas of things I could throw at you in return too, such as: 

- Fruit! 
- Possibly even a fruit known for being juicy! 
- Or a vegetable that sometimes gets confused as being a fruit.
- Fruit Juice. 
- A fruit smoothie. 
- An entire Cannes film festival major studio yacht party including, but not limited to, directors, actors, sponsor provided alcohol, producers (executive and regular), models hoping to bang a producer hoping to get a role, the grip who will pretend to  be a producer and end up banging the models, a script supervisor to point out that I never mentioned what sex these models are, or what sex the grip is, so it can't be sexist, a few topless girls, a bag of Doritos, the boats steering equipment, and fruit for cocktails. 
- A fruit salad.

So yeah, if you're the one who ends up throwing the picnic at me, you better watch out, cause what I'm throwing back is going to be epic, and possibly even partially fruit related. 

PS. Any tips on outrageous antics I could pull? The best thing I've come up with so far is hiding spiders in people's potato salad. 

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