Monday, April 6, 2015

Enthusiastic for the Opportunity

He was enthusiastic about songs with the word 'opportunity' in them. 

'I'm really enthusiastic about songs
with the word "opportunity" in them' you'd hear him say whenever someone asked him why he was acting with so much enthusiasm since a particular song came on the radio 'and this song that's playing now has the word opportunity in it' he would add, not wanting to leave any doubt that this was the reason he was currently acting enthusiastic. 

'Some people might hear me say that I'm enthusiastic about songs with the word opportunity in them' he'd continue if pressed 'and if they didn't know that the song currently playing had the word opportunity in it they could potentially think that this was my base level of mood, devoid of any recognizable enthusiasm, and then a song like "opportunity knocks" by Klimate, or "Never Missed An Opportunity" by Sunny Salvation might come on, and they'll all get all excited and be like "ooohhh ooohhh,  this is one, watch Ben, he's totally going to get enthusiastic" and I'll have to be all like I ALREADY WAS ENTHUSIASTIC YOU MOTHERFUCKER, THE LAST SONG WAS "Oh oh oh opportunity" by Flight Patrol DONT YOU FUCKING KNOW ANYTHING?' 

'Getting mad can dampen your enthusiasm' he'd add, in case you didn't already know that. 

Although Ben wasn't always like this. 

'Yep "Opportunity, Don't say no to me" by Spiral Farm. September 15th 1993 11:29pm'. He'd reply in flash when asked if he'd ever failed to show enthusiasm for a song with opportunity in it. 

If you were lucky he'd then tell the whole story. 

'My parents had kicked me out of home after they discovered it was me who had broken into the house, while they were away for the weekend, and I was supposed to be at my friend Johns place. And I had not just stolen all the valuables, but to make it not look like an inside job I'd also burned all their sentimental stuff, shat in three pairs of shoes, left a deadly snake in my little sisters room which resulted in her spending three months in hospital and also left a porno magazine lying around where I'd photo shopped my moms head onto every asshole, and my dads face onto every penis head, and my school principals head over all the heads. I still have no idea how they found out it was me. There was probably evidence in my room but I'd totally warned if anyone went in there I'd punch them. 

With no where else to go I went to my girlfriends place, and when I looked in the window she was watching TV with her parents, I mean like if she'd known that I'd been kicked out of home this would have totally been incentive and when I screamed at her about it, hardly using any threats, she said "go cool off for a while, then come back and we'll make up and go to bed", seriously, cool off? What a bitch. After I'd been kind enough to sometimes use protection when I cheated on her so I didn't give her anymore STDs. So I of course dumped her on the spot. 

Then, and worst of all, on my way back to my car I nearly tripped on a broken bit of sidewalk, and if someone had have seen it could have been totally been embarrassing. Right then an old man came out of his house. And he didn't mock me at all, but that made me suspicious. So I punched him in the neck. 

So I get back into my car seething. "Why is everyone treating me so bad today?" I thought. Then I turned on my car radio. It was 11:29pm. "Opportunity don't say no to me" popped on. "I DONT HAVE ANY FUCKING ENTHUSIASM FOR THIS SONG RIGHT NOW" I screamed. Then it hit me. That's why everyone was treating me bad today. Cause normally I loved that song. So I declared then and there "I will never not have enthusiasm for this song again!" and then just to be sure I added "make that any song with opportunity in them just to be safe". 

Yep, from then on he always got enthusiastic when a song came on with 'opportunity' in them. The rest of the time he remained an utter piece of shit of a human being. But two and a half minutes every couple of weeks is better than nothing right? 

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