Sooooo useful



My life was in danger, grave, grave danger. Like a leaf in the wind, only in a really gravely dangerous way.

Which is very different from graveyely dangerous. Which is when you're in grave danger of running out of gravy. Which can be horrific, but not as bad as this situation I'm talking about where my life was in danger. Which had absolutely nothing to do with gravy.

I was sure I was to be dead in any moment. But then an angel appeared, ironically out of a gravy boat filled with gravy, even though outside of that this story has nothing to do with gravy.

'There is only one solution - a single way to save your life' declared the angel 'and it requires you to know your windmill is spinning at the exact speed you desire it to be'.

'What?' I responded.

But it was too late; the seemingly cryptically unhelpful angel had disappeared back into the gravy in the gravy boat, which of course is completely unimportant to this story.

Angry, frustrated and terrified for my life I lashed out and hurled the gravy boat at the wall, where it exploded into the wall spectacularly sending gravy boat bits, and even gravy, all over fucking everything, although that's not at all important to the story.

But then, as the gravy began to drip and roll down the wall, something remarkable happened, in what could only possibly be described as a completely random slight coincidence, the gravy mess spelled out a few words on the wall. They were as follows:

- If your windmill is spinning so damn fast that the blades are a blur, and because you didn’t see them you stuck your hand in and had it got chopped off, but you weren’t sure what it was that cut your hand off, so you leaned in to try to hear if a poltergeist was there somewhere and had your left cheek and nose chopped off, and then you lost your girlfriend. Not because she was chopped up in the blades, but because she was superficial and doesn’t want to date a one hand, one cheek, no nosed freak, then your windmill might not be spinning at the exact same speed you desire it to be.

- If your windmill is currently half way to Peru having been swept up in a tornado, and the tornado is on its way to Peru, and because, you know, tornados always have cows spinning in them, and so there’s a good chance you have a cow caught up in your windmill blades, then your windmill might not be spinning at the exact same speed you desire it to be.

- If when you bought your windmill, if you were in a store somewhere, and you saw this sweet windmill for sale, which seemed to satisfy all your wildest windmill wishes and yearnings, only when you looked at the price tag it seemed too cheap, so you asked the cashier why it was so cheap, and he looked you dead in the eye and said ‘because that windmill is CURSED! CURSED TO NOT BE A RELIABLE SPINNER, CURSED I TELL YOU, YE HE YE HE, YE HE YE’ and even though his cackling cry was eerie and evil sounding, his eyes held a warm sad truthfulness to them, then your windmill might not be spinning at the exact same speed you desire it to be.

- If you've been fighting with your windmill over what to temperature to set your living room air-conditioning thermostat at, and you got your way, but you know your windmill to often be petty and vindictive when it loses an argument, your windmill might not be spinning at the exact same speed you desire it to be.

- If your windmill is not spinning at all, but you’d like it to be spinning, then your windmill might not be spinning at the exact same speed you desire it to be.

Despite the fifth one not making any sense, I now knew how to tell if my windmill was not spinning at the exact same speed as I desired it to be, and my life was saved! Saved like a leaf in the wind, only in a really safely safe way. And I think that's the important part of this story. Leaves man! Soooo useful.

Not like stupid gravy.

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