Sunday, May 10, 2015

Brought Knives

It was a dark dark dark dark dark day that day.
Or perhaps someone had just forgotten to turn on the lights. 
That happens you know. 
I'm not aware of that being the case on this particular day.
Only that it was dark that day.
Dark dark dark dark dark to be precise. 
But the no one turning on the lights thing isn't just some scenario I fabricated from thin air.
Occasionally someone will plumb forget.
And a sea of people, possibly even a whole room of them, will think that their lives have been thrust into darkness.
Because of the darkness in the room they're in.
As it turns out that those lights I speak of had the purpose of illuminating this room. 

I felt like a merry-go-round that had forgotten that essentially it's merely a bunch of horses.
Plastic ones. 
Which even though are easier to wipe down than real horses.
Still often are covered in way more germs.
Holy fuck. 
I just googled 'horse diseases' so I could suggest something that plastic horses have less of than real horses.
To make them feel better seeing as they are essentially disease cesspools. 
Why do you think they're always going up and down?
It's the oppressive itchiness.
The worst type of itchiness. 
Anyway there are a bunch of diseases like... 
Abocoises of the hoof. And..
Blister beetle poisoning. But then..
'Born without anus or rectum'. 
Thanks a lot Google, I didn't want to picture that with my mind, I just wanted to see some horse gangrene or something, you sick fucks. 

I felt like a kid in a candy story.
Ok good, back somewhere wholesome. 
Although fuck you spell check, I did literally want to write 'good' but I accidentally hit 'food' and it corrected it to 'good' but 'food' is a real word ok, and one I may well have wanted to use while speaking about candy, so don't correct me you sick fucks. 
I felt this way partly because I was literally a kid in a candy store.
A metaphoric one.
I mean I was literally in one.
But I had no money. 
Which makes the kid in a candy store scenario teasingly tedious.
I mean I was rambunctious and naughty in spirit. 
So I could have stolen a candy. 
But I also had crippling fears of capture, punishment, guilt, stealing a candy that some other kid had already fondled, panic attacks, nuclear war, getting pencils driven into my ear with a hammer, having butter rubbed into my acne suspect skin zones, getting a maid who would turn out to be sassy, hysterical blindness, accidentally taking a night time cold and flu tablet during the day, and getting my hand stuck in jars of candy and having to break the glass to get it out ruining the delicious candy with my blood. 

I felt like a polygamous person finding out that embracing the poly lifestyle was first popularized by polyurethane. 

I felt like a guy who's long disliked his old man sounding name 'Arthur' who's just found out this whole time he could have gone with with an awesomely cool name like 'Art'.

I felt like a shy boy who thought a girl had propositioned him for sushi and sex, but who had actually said 'shush the fuck up'.

I felt like the teenage girls I seriously just overheard talking about 'like the brawl' they went to on the weekend, and how 'like it was awesome, cause like some cunts brought like knives, and like there were like cunts bleeding everywhere, and like it was totes rad, but like some cunt brought some cunts who like ruined it by calling the cops' and how 'like anyway, we better to get to school, don't want to get in trouble'. (You hear the most amazing things when you have insomnia all night and decide to give up and go for McDonalds breakfast). 

I felt like it was a dark dark dark dark dark day. Because it was a dark dark dark dark dark day that day. 
Because someone had forgotten to turn on the lights.
See I TOLD you that's a real scenario. 
It actually happens. 
Whether you are aware of it or not. 
So don't doubt be again and everything will be all food. 
Oh fuck you spellcheck.
You sick fucks. 

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