Friday, October 16, 2015

Comeback attack

'You're possum brained' she said to me
'No I'm not' I replied, with a smile on my face due to the witty and accurate comeback I'd conjured. 

It hadn't been the first comeback I'd thought of 'if I'm so possum brained then how come I fell out the tree tonight and broke my arm?' Was my first instinct.

'And since when do possums eat six T-bone steaks, breaking the restaurant's record, then get the meat sweats and decide it's a good idea to climb a tree to try and puke on a statue of the guy who discovered the local ravine?' I knew I'd need to add. So I brushed it. Too wordy. And words are bite killers. I knew I needed bite in this comeback. Lots of bite.

'I'll fucking bite your face off' I next considered. I nearly said it too. But then it occurred to me, I bet possums bite people's faces off from time to time. Which would be badass 'how'd you lose your face?'
'Got bit off by a possum!'
'That's badass'
Would be how that went down. 
Yep definitely badass.

But then it occurred to me I was trying to make it seem like I wasn't possum brained, and a come back that did nothing but reflect possum brained activities would possibly undermine that.

'You suck' I considered briefly. But then I thought 'nah, save that one for later. Wait, maybe some time that she's drinking from a straw, hell yeah, that would kick major badassity AND hilarity'. So I saved it. You never know when you'll need a badass and hilarious line when someone you know is drinking from a straw. But you do know that it WILL happen one day. Planning is good sometimes. That's a lesson for all of you. Ever got lost chasing after your own shadow? Of course you have, we all have, that sucker is so damn hard to catch. But you wouldn't have if you'd 'planned' to go out at night during a citywide blackout on a very cloudy night that day instead. That's a tick for planning for damn sure.

'No I'm not' was my next thought. And I didn't even need to think about this one. Witty - tick. Biting - tick. Makes you think of possums biting off people's faces - no tick. 

It was a no brainer. And no brainers are my bread and what's it, that yellow stuff.

'Nice come back' she snapped back. 

Yep, I'd won this one. Turned out to be a pretty great honeymoon after all. 

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