Tuesday, October 6, 2015
I bet the first person who took a leaf out of some else's book was all like...
'Well that was completely awesome, and just think, all I had to do was meet a stranger, spend a considerable amount of time, effort and even listening time earning his trust, then immediately breaking that guy's trust by stealing his keys, and then using them to get into his house, before then discovering that he didn't keep the keys to his bookshelf on the same set as the keys to his house, so returning the keys to him, pretending I'd just 'found them' even though that was illogical given that the place I claimed to find them was somewhere he'd never been, and yet insisting that I was now a hero, and that the baseball cap I'd left on his kitchen bench 'wasn't mine' even though it was the same as the one I wore all the time and suddenly stopped wearing around the time this 'other' baseball cap was strangely found in his house, yet still somehow re-earning his trust, enough so that I could find out that he kept the keys to his bookshelf in security box at the bank, then carefully, over a period of years, randomly getting silicone putty on various parts of his face, and peeling it off and keeping it, so to piece together a 3D jigsaw puzzle style a mould of his face, to use to ultimately create flawless prosthetics allowing me to look exactly like him, to imitate him at the bank, only to find out that his security box was protected by a series of very personal security questions, requiring me to pursue a torrid affair with his father, which was very difficult as neither of us were gay, requiring levels of seduction skills I never previously dared even imagine I had, which once discovered and engaged could be put to far more enticing explorations of the flesh game than banging this old man, but the option of starting an affair with his mother was tragically unavailable due to his mother being dead, and seven months in, after a passionate yet confusing love making session, using the vulnerability of post coital pillow talk to finally unlock the secret that the man had a scar on his forehead as a result of 'a bike accident', realizing I possibly could have skipped this step by just asking him how he got his scar, but knowing that doing so would have exposed me to potentially answering the question of how I got my own scar, which was from a skateboard accident, and could have totally undermined the trust I'd developed this whole time through a discovery of a lacking identical preferences when it came to childhood modes of fun self-propelled getting around in a transportation method scenario options, although I probably could have lied and also said a 'bike accident', but perhaps uncomfortable gay sex with a now very confused elderly man was less messy, and now once again donning my prosthetics, stealing that bookshelf key from the security box, then once again breaking into his house, this time sans baseball cap for safety, then unlocking the bookshelf, while thinking 'that's funny, it's only now that I realize that it's unusual for someone to lock their bookshelf', then thinking 'meh, maybe it's not that unusual, books are ace, and now I can TOTALLY read books I don't even own! Suck on that library and your disgusting "two forms of ID required to get a library card" rule, which is just stupid, unless a credit card can be the second type of ID, which makes sense, we all have a credit card and a license, I probably should have asked? Come to think of it do you even need a card to just look through the books?', then thinking 'meh, I don't need a card to look through THESE books', then flicking through a bunch of books, thinking 'meh, lots of sci-fi, I'm more of a cop drama guy', but then randomly finding a leaf in one, wondering 'why the hell is there a leaf in this?', pondering the question 'who cares why?', coming to the conclusion 'well I do', searching for meaning in that enlightening realization, discovering that this meaning was probably that the leaf mattered to him, hence keeping it in a book in a locked bookshelf, then realizing 'meh, that's stupid, if it mattered he'd probably have kept it in the security box at the bank, and therefore it clearly does NOT matter to him', then concluding 'meh, if it doesn't matter to him then it could be MINE', then adding 'I should stop all my ponders beginning with "meh" it undermines just how amazing some of my thoughts are, like this one, cause like I'm TOTALLY about to get myself a leaf, that's awesome!', and realizing 'that's normally not easy, you have to convince a tree to give you a leaf, which can be difficult because it's part of their body and like as if you'd give a tree a finger, or even a toe if it asked, or else just stealing a leaf from a tree, which is mean, I mean you'd hate it if tree stole a finger or even a toe from you, but right now I'm getting a leaf, a free leaf, this is badass, I'm totally taking a leaf out of someone else's book!'
Then I bet he was all like 'yep that was TOTALLY worth it, I got a free leaf! I just hope that eventually that people don't think by this I'm telling them that I copied some lame cliche self improvement goal'.
Yep being the first to do something kicks ass. I just wish I too had the ability to distinctly and precisely detail how I thought about it so I too don't have my actions misinterpreted.