Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Poor Mountain Love

Hello everyone, I'm sure you all saw the latest survey results, the whole world has been talking about them, but for those of you that don't pay attention to the news I'll fill you in - this past Tuesday, for the first time since Tuesday the 17th of February 43BC (the day when it was first pointed out that while volcanos do indeed make badass science project entries, in reality they're 'interesting at best' to live next to) mountains have failed to finished number one on Price Waterhouse and Young Ernst's weekly 'People's Favorite Big Thing, You Know, Mountains, Pyramids, Volcanoes, Shit Like That' Survey. 

The new number one.... 'Dwellings, but not like houses, big dwellings, like buildings and stuff'. 

Obviously this is devastating news for mountain fans and mountain well wishers everywhere. And I've managed to get an exclusive interview with someone right at the forefront of this pain, someone truly suffering, and I now have the opportunity to capture this pain in print, please welcome to this blog Geographer Greg Gurber! 

Dave: Welcome Greg, thanks so much for being here, you obviously are a big mountain respecter, reminiscer and even ramshackle style lover, and you look devastated, truly broken, it's lovely to get to see you like this right in the heart of the pain cycle.

Greg: Thanks Dave, I'm just a humble geographer, simply a prophet speaking the language of the flawless wonder of nature, and yep I'm truly destroyed, you have certain things you hold dear in the world, your rocks, the things you can rely on, and to have one of them yanked away is utterly crushing, so it's lovely to be here. 

Dave: Can you tell me how you your feeling about dwellings right now? 

Greg: Sure thing, well look, I'm just a simple geographer, basically gods travel agent, and it makes me sick in a real guttural intestine fizzing way, I mean dwellings? Seriously! Only a medium percentage of them even are big, and even so, how long have they been around a few thousand years? So that's how we pick our favorite big things now, just the hot new thing? Mountains have been around ages, and unlike dwellings they'll STILL be around in future ages! 

Dave: You don't think dwellings will stay around?

Greg: No way, look I'm only a geographer, basically a conductor of splendor, and as such I am utterly crushed like a toe under an anvil after someone said 'take that out, there is literally nothing good not throwing that out will provide', so I'm no expert of dwellings, but they feels like just a fad to me. 

Dave: So what is your speciality? 

Greg: Geography. 

Dave: So like maps and things. Shouldn't I really be talking to a geologist? 

Greg: What do they do? 

Dave: Rocks I think? But aren't mountains made from rocks? Maybe that's more likely to result in extreme mountain love than geography?

Greg: Hey you invented me, you just conjured me from your brain, there's no part of me that's real, so I'll be whatever you want.

Dave: Well you didn't have to tell everyone that, people like the illusion, but yeah, I think I want you to specialize in geology.

Greg: Sweet, I'll make the necessary adjustments. Oh wait, can I still do that self-aggrandizing stuff? That was fun.

Dave: Sure. 

Greg: Hey I'm just a simple geologist, link between mankind and millennia of awesome, and I'm horrified like a witch getting startled by a REAL witch threatening to both expose her as a charlatan AND add more demand for essence of gnat at the local 7/11 potentially driving up the price, and you know what, fuck dwellings, big or small, mountains are here to stay! You know, except the bits I drill out and take to the lab to experiment on. And you'd be surprised how many bits we take! Sometimes entire mountains. There used to be a mountain bigger than Everest that now only exist samples in my storage unit. 

So there you have it folks, a real life, genuine professional geologist says 'fuck dwellings'.

And I for one will not just sit and wait for dwellings to stop existing without a solid plan as to where I'll live next. 

I think maybe I'll go for some form of Iron Man type suit that's completely self contained and livable in. Fortunately I know an expert in Iron Man style suits, or he may just work at a fancy dress store, meh, I invented him, he can be anyone I want! 

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