Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Key chain

If you ask me, and you should, almost anything would be better if a key and lock were involved. 

Consider this list of normal everyday topics that one may discuss at a dinner party, or when visiting dignitaries, or when trying to look like you're at the beach for anything other than to try and spot people who should get a mole check, as a public service, yet secretly mostly because you have a weird fetish: 

- Grandpa
- Christmas 
- Porn 
- A Toaster
- Racism
- Girlfriends 
- Eating spiders 
- Star wars
- Synonyms for vagina
- Goat facts 

It's a fine list sure, but it's not an exciting list. I mean it will increase your pulse rate, especially if it were recited in deep booming voice at random right into your ear, art the exact moment you were about to bite into a three scoop ice-cream cone, but even then it will only increase that beat by barely six or seven beats a minute, and that's almost not even enough to justify calling into work sick siting minor stroke as your ailment! 

But now consider that very same list, but now with more information added to each topic, and with that information always including at least some reference to keys, locks and/ or keys and/ or locks. 

- Grandpa: Imagine if your Grandpa was locked inside something, and it took some sort of a key to get him out? You'd probably spend so much time pretending to find the person who put him in there, that you'd never have time to pretend you want to visit him, which means you'd never get to use your awesome pretend you lost the key mime!

- Christmas: Here's a fun thing to do at Christmas, break into a house, unwrap the kid's presents, then wrap them in a metal mesh padlocked cover, then wrap them up in the original wrapping again, then on your way out make sure the dad didn't get bolt cutters for a gift, and if he did steal them, and probably call the cops on him (he was probably going to use those to steal things! That bastard), then sit at the window and wait for the fun...
'Seriously Dad, really funny, unlock these!'
'I'm telling you, I didn't it, I don't know what this is!' 
'It's not fucking funny dad, open them up'
'I can't, I can't, what's going on, I have no idea what's going on?'
'STOP IT! You're not fooling anyone Dad, OPEN THE FUCKING PRESENTS!' 
The fun would go on for hours and hours, and possibly even HOURS! Depending on the kids access to weapons. 

- Porn: Remove a man's penis and replace it with a lock, remove a woman's vagina and replace it with a key, make a porn, then everyone watching will be like 'the other way round would have made more logical sense'. And logical is a word that's pleasing to the ear, YOUR ear. 
- Toasted: Throw a toaster off a building for fun, if you forget to unplug it first and it had just been cooking toast on high, and it bounces back and smacks you in the head and burns your face it'll 'unlock' the information to you that your chord is way too bouncy.

- Racism: Lock up all racists in a huge pubic cage. Then when people go to taunt and abuse them, lock those people up for letting hate breed hate. Then you know that comphy chair at your favorite cafe you never get to sit in? Well almost everyone is a giant cage now, including the owners of that cafe, so it's not open anymore, that backfired didn't it, yet frontfiring is the direction that hurts other people, and your didn't do that, so good for you. 

- Girlfriend: Get a girlfriend or a boyfriend. Wait, it was that easy for you? Fuck you! I know who's house I'm visiting at Christmas in fourteen years, depending on how it works out, your respective stances on child baring, fertility levels, consistency on living locations, and window lock installation skills, my god that's going to be a lot of work for me to keep a track of, I hate lots of work, fuck you! 

- Eating spiders: They say on average every person eats something like eighteen spider in their sleep in their lifetime, but if you pick the lock on people's mouth locks, and jam them full of spiders they'll eat MORE than average, and you may only have to eat six or seven spiders! 

- Star Wars: Put a lock on the Millennium falcon,
seriously, have some fucking pride! 

- Synonyms for vagina: Well if you think I'm going to get all crass and say something like 'a pussy is like a safe, cause I'd like to bust it open' then you're sadly mistaken, I'd NEVER say something like that, EVER! 

- Fun Goat fact: goats make awful safes, I once tried to hide ten thousand dollars cash in a goats stomach and the greedy bastard used stomach acid to break it down and turn it into fuel and energy! 

See! Say all that in conversation and now you don't even have to call in sick, the hospital will notify next of kin of your passing due to total heart failure, which will ultimately make its way to a cryptic Facebook post referencing missing you, which your co-workers will pass off as a joke for at least three weeks, until your absence is finally also NOTICED, and you'll be able to escape to the Caribbean and live freely on your life insurance pay out, as long as you survive the actual heart attack you had, but only come to in the morgue, and nick out of there moments before several corpses are stolen, and also as long as your aware that you will no longer be able to partake in your sick mole fetish (the moles themselves are sick, not your fetish) as any future sexual arousal will be far too much for your heart to take, so you'll have to mostly spend your time in the Caribbean enjoying their many famous activities away from the sun and beach. 

Yep, adding keys, locks, and/or keys and/or locks is awesome! 

1 comment:

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