Thursday, January 7, 2016

A human part of being human

Yesterday, in what turned out to be a revolutionary piece of writing, I did something that only happens perhaps once a decade or so. 

Yes that's right, I came up with a theory, and then, and this is what separates me from 99.99% of theory generators, I ALSO came up with a bunch of things that SUPPORTED that theory. 

The theory was as follows: 

'Every human is different'

The support of this theory was:

'Seems like different humans have differences sometimes'. 

Yep, it was a blog that rocked the Internet, and generated a fierce avalanche of calmly presented, and uniformly justified consensus of opinion. Something I'm quite proud of to be honest. It's nice to make the entire world come together like clones from the same piece of beige cloth over something like this. 

But then I woke up today and something occurred to me, a new contradictory theory, and what was even worse, this one came carrying a dainty leather shoulder bag filled with an EXAMPLE of the existence of a theory proving example that exists as a case study to demonstrate existence of truthfulness. 

The theory: 

'Ah yeah, but in some ways every human is the same'! 

The example: 

All of us, at least occasionally, will wake up in the morning feeling a tad off. We’ll suddenly sit up from bed and go... 

‘Oh shit, that heaven I was just in with all the flying laser knives, was merely a dream. THIS is reality. And I am NOT who I thought I was. Oh my god, I am remembering, I am actually named Sally Anderson-Hamersmith Jones, and I am a fairy penguin living in some harbor, and oh no, I am suffering from a "deep heated thermal underwear malaise" which in penguin societies is what we call it when we first see ourselves in a mirror, and to our horror, discover that we look exactly like all the other penguins and not at like the home made bookshelf made of cinder blocks and stolen timber that we had previously thought we were. No, no, now no one will EVER put a book on me, OR get a splinter made of part of me! NOOOOOOOOOO!!! Those were my life long goals. Also why did my parents hyphenate my middle name, fucking assholes, it always causes such confusion during roll calls in class. And as a school kid I'm already dealing with enough fucking confusion. I'm growing hair EVERWHERE, but it feels like penguin feather for some reason? Fucktards!' 

Yep, we've all been there. Countless times. And we all know what follows. We drop into a fit of rage. We rip the posters of our favorite business leaders off our walls. We break every 'filthy lying' mirror. We ponder why filth and untruths were ever considered natural partners. We attempt to fly off our balconies, and when we land on the ground to bone shattering falls we say 'yep, can't fly, so I AM a penguin'. We peck at our refrigerators trying to get fresh fish, but by the time we've pecked holes through the doors we discover all the fish to now be dead. We try to solve our malaise by maiming and scarring all the other penguins in our homes, and even though it does make us feel like more of an individual, it does not get books dumped on our faces, or have splinters shoot from our hearts, so we lash out and email our orca friends about the location of some delicious looking prey. And then we realize WE could get mixed up as that prey and we email them back saying that our accounts have been hacked, but they don't really believe us, yet they do order three pairs of Oakley sunglasses from us, which pisses us off even more because we've all sworn to never support that company again ever since they got heavily into the spam game. And then we think, mmmm spam, they eat that in Hawaii, due to it once being a staple among soldiers stationed there, which then caught on around the island, and we fantasize back to the time we saw that hula girl there who could spit pork meat and ignore our requests for their autograph by saying 'oh, I think I hear my volcano going off, I better get that' at which point it hits us, 'wait, penguins don't grow on trees in the northern hemisphere, penguins only grow on trees in the Southern Hemisphere, oh man, did I wake up on the wrong side of the bed again, and put on my black and white robe, and then just sort of run with it?' And we answer 'yes' to ourselves. Snap our broken legs back in place, and get on with our days. 

Yep, every human is different, but some experiences, as above, are universal. And that means all of us must suffer at least occasionally. But we suffer together. 

Still, suffer resistance is key. Which is why I also did something today that happens maybe once every dozen years or so, I noticed a problem, and here is what separates me from 99.99% of problem noticers and gets revolutionary, I also came up with a SOLUTION to the problem. Which is as follows:

Next time you find yourself down this spiral of perfectly normal and rational, yet time wasting distraction, simply do the following six things:

1. Take several deep breaths.

2. Breath deeply a few times. 

3. Inhale then exhale some large volumes of air. 

4. Invite six of your best talking Bamboo Plant friends to visit you, and then open a debate on whether pandaphobia should continue to be routinely treated with talk therapy and/ or medicated with pharmaceuticals in Spring Onion communities, given it being an irrational fear for them, or whether the fact that it's irrational in itself highlights the need to direct those funds to fighting pandaphobia even harder in Bamboo societies, despite for them it being a logical fear that warrants not numbing but perhaps even heightening, if it may possibly lead to more escapes. 

5. Realize that you've been so busy ripping the throats out of the selfish motherfucking Bamboo plants and their insistence on unloading arguments completely lacking in compassion for the poor Spring Onion societies, who frankly already have to deal with being most people's third or forth favorite type of onion at best, let alone now being told that their phycosomaytic issues shouldn't even be acknowledged. And as you make murderous war screams you'll suddenly realize 'wow, I forgot all about thinking I was a penguin, PLUS all my posters of my favorite business men are INTACT, thankyou David, your solution has saved me from doing anything abnormal today, and I can continue being a perfectly normal person'. 

6. Breathe numerous times in a deep manner. 

And boom, your day will be saved. 

So I hope that makes everyone feel a little better about themselves. Yep we ARE all different. But yep, we are also all the same. And if you ask me that's beautiful. Maybe even as beautiful as an orca munching up a living room full of injured penguins, while the TV shows pork spewing out the mouth of a hula girl! Awww. 

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