A very human discovery


I've been thinking a lot about humans today. Which is rare for me, I normally prefer to think about different ways to create a practical yet historic looking faux cobble stone, to use on streets in theme parks set in the future with a section dedicated to how people in the future may choose to remember the past. You know, because brain time is valuable, and it should be treated as such. 

But today I decided to value the oft forgotten value in taking a valuable break from routine, and as such humans came to mind. And ten or twenty hours into this thought something remarkable happened, I came to a powerful, strong, spicy, pungent, wafting, thick delicious smog of a theory, which is this…

Every human is different!

Seriously! 

As in not the same.

Now I know that’s bold, possibly even really bold, but I'm going to go even further, I think that in fact, I'd almost be willing to say that this is a even a fact (or a truth, right, smart, logic, lie, statement - different people say it different, fucking assholes, can't we just agree on fucking something?) and if you ask me this is one of the best things about being human.


Consider this list of 11 different ways humans, at least in certain circumstances, can be different from each other: 

1. Opinions on stuff and even on shit. For example some people have different opinions on what makes up stuff and what makes up shit.

2. Appearance. There are actually at least FOUR different options on how you may look, you may be 1. Good looking 2. Good lookin' 3. Looking good. And 4. Uglier than sin in a blender. (Please note while number four may seem undesirable, it is way easier to drink than the other three).

3. Idiosyncrasies. For example some people may have a weird thing where they can spell 'idiosyncrasies' close enough for spell check to finish it off within their first 40 attempts.

4. Choice in dangerous hobbies. One of my personal ones is it to go up to people in street fights and say 'your hobby is moronic, you pussy fuck'.

5. The Smurf we'd most like to have live in our nasal cavities. Mine is Sneezy Smurf, because then people would be constantly hearing sneezing come from my nose and saying 'bless you' and then I'd get to say 'I DIDN'T sneeze, why does everyone keep accusing me of that, you fucking assholes'.

6. Reasons for the last time we were sued. My personal one was when I was sued by Disney for suggesting Sneezy was a Smurf rather than a Dwarf, when we all know he's ACTUALLY a Muppet that's been doused in liter-fluid and is being threatened with a match.

7. Favorite hot salsa dips for our chocolate-chip cookies. My preference is usually warm caramel hot salsa dip, and the nacho-cheese corn-chip variety of chocolate-chip cookie.

8. Methods for checking our hair in the windows of parked cars without being embarrassingly caught. I go with just looking at my hair in my peripheral vision while pretending I'm actually simply adjusting my penis bulge.

9. Ways of passive-aggressively warring with people who think we still consider them friends. I like breaking into their homes, then taking things with used-by-dates out of the fridge for twenty minutes or so, then putting them back exactly where they were, then a year or two later when they casually say in conversation 'I think I need a new fridge, mine doesn't seem to keep stuff fresh the way it used to' I can reply 'or maybe you're just a fucking dickhead you fucktard!'

10. Current torso coverage. There are at least four options here too 1. Nothing. 2. Something. 3. Something that's so scarce it may as well be nothing. And 4. Oh for crying out loud, I'm home alone, what does it matter what I fucking am or fucking am not wearing.

11. Um, nope, I thought there were eleven, but I think that was all of them.

Yep, I have a theory, every human is different! But I'm starting to think it's more than a theory, it may even be genuine simple fact. 

So next time you are say, on the internet, and looking through the facebooks or through say comments following an opinion piece written about a matter of social politics, and you think to yourself ‘damn it, it feels like literally everyone has the exact same opinion as me, justified in the exact same way and with the exact same level of serene calmness’ I want you to remember, while this is almost always the case in those scenarios, some of those people who are so called ‘the same’ as you, don’t even know how to check their hair in a strangers car window without the safety of knowing that the only comment anyone will say about said hair is ‘can’t you animals keep your hands off your dick for five fucking minutes’. 

Yep, we’re all different. And if you ask me that’s great.


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