Monday, July 23, 2018

Signs your pet Barracuda is badass at practical jokes

Signs your pet Barracuda is badass at practical jokes

‘Tis a sad truth, that despite our best and most purest of efforts, many of us won’t achieve true greatness. And regardless of our refined and generous hearts, many of us will never be bestowed with everlasting love. Yet there’s still hope for a happy life. Yes, no matter our failings in other areas of life, we too may one day own a pet Barracuda that’s bad ass at practical jokes.

Here’s a handy list of signs that the pet Barracuda you have circling your bathtub right now, is in fact simply bad fucking ass at practical jokes...

- It once ran for parliament and used the campaign donations to throw a margarita party.
- For three years it had you CONVINCED it was actually a barramundi.
- Every-time it has hidden in your toilet to fright you, it’s managed to bite you EXACTLY on the taint, gooch or equivalent.
- Its farts smell like Otter queefs.
- It’s the very fish who populated the long held fallacy that if you paint an ancient Egyptian pyramid fluorescent purple they automatically shoot lazers that render Harley Enthusiasts impotent, which led to the recent 0.012% increase in fluorescent purple paint, and in a ballsy counter play, a 0.0092% increase in Harley sales.
- It’s never once led a panty raid on any sorority that had previously declared a truce with all aquatic, amphibious and/ or ambidextrous creatures. (Well thats not so much badass as classy, but then again classiness itself is definitely badass).
- It’s flawlessly ambidextrous despite possessing zero limbs.
- It sometimes glues mannequin limbs to itself, then goes clubbing under the name Sir Barra-Von-Cuddington, and seventeen thousand, twelve hundred, and forty two strangers it’s met while flirting in the bathroom lines, have now donated to its ‘save the urinal cakes’ fund.
- It’s queefs smell like Otter pimple discharges.
- It once ran for mayor, and used all the campaign donations to open a bar called ‘Tis’ which is located inside a wildebeest, and is now the hottest bar inside a wildebeest this side of Detroit!
- The Margaritas in said bar are two for one, as long as you ‘pants’ the fish standing next to ya!

Yes ‘Tis a validity, as hopeful as it is honest, that anyone could have a pet Barracuda that’s badass at practical jokes, if yours is as such, congratulations! And god save the urinal cakes.

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