Wednesday, April 15, 2020
Eye see what you did there
Here we go again friends, and wouldn’t you believe it, but in the end, it was another fun one today! Dang fun. Fun in the “yum sun” (a terrible recently coined term meaning “isolation” - but it sounds nice - what’s wrong with doing something just cause it sounds nice dang it.)
And I’ll tell you WHY it was fun. Because of eyes!
Yeah that’s right, eyes are fun! Dang fun!
Consider all these fun things you can do with your eyes:
- Suck them out with your handy kitchen suction rod and wash them in a sink pretending they’re humans (here’s a tip: go with ball shaped humans or else you’ll struggle to keep up believability), then pretend your eye chords are tractor beams, and your skull is a spaceship, then train your brain to retract your eye chords using will and reverse elasticity, and you’ll be able to make it look like you’re an alien abducting humans in a super skully eye ball way! Wow. Plus your eyes will be soapy fresh.
- Change their color using a small needle and ink from an old ball point pen (here’s a tip: go with red, those pens never get used all the way).
- Train them to smell. Next have them battle royal head to head, ball to ball, by rubbing them with an ascending array of sweet, bitter, salty, umami, garlicky, lego and chilli flavor profile rubs until one eye finally gives up. Then test how it affected your other senses (here’s a tip: you’ll probably now be able to HEAR hieroglyphics, happiness AND howler monkeys. Wow).
- Breed tens of thousands of cockroaches. Let them take over every inch of your home. Then one day confidently pronounce to the roach hoard “I cast you out, OUT I SAY”, then turn to your eyes and say, “now THAT’S how you BUG OUT” (here’s a tip: Cockroaches find fear an aphrodisiac, so this one is most successful and therefore fun if you’re genuinely scared of roaches).
- This one is a bit weird. But you can probably even use your eyes to, sorry, I’m embarrassed by how weird this one is, but you could use them to, well… look at stuff! (Here’s a tip: there’s probably a bunch of things you can look at. I can’t think of any right now, and I don’t want to make things up, that seems disingenuous, but seriously, I bet there’s at least half a dozen. Take a look around your room, I BET you’ll find there’s at least something you can look at).
- Here’s a tip: I just tried the last one for myself and it turns out there WAS something to look at - it was things! Wow. Dang
- Wait I just realized if you can look at “things” you can probably also see “stuff”.
- Hold the god dang phone, I just tried it, and you CAN look at stuff.
- And if you can see stuff you can probably also see things!
- And if you can see stuff AND things, the stuff can probably see the things. And if the stuff can see the things, the things can probably see the stuff
- And if they can see each other, and I think we’ve proven they can, then they must have eyes.
- Which means if you’re ever jumped in a dark corner of your home by one of your stuffs (say your place mats) because they want one of YOUR things (say your brand new sneakers), just poke your place mats in the eyes, and they’ll scurry back into the draw they came from, and should dang well stay in.
- WOW. Eyes are RAD!
- And rad stuff is FUN!
- Hell dang yeah!
So open your eyes friends, and let them water proudly (Here’s a tip: Everything that waters is fun) because we’ve turned a cornea (zing) right into the fun ball!
- Was there anything fun you can do with your eyes we missed? Let us know in the comments.
- Got something you think MIGHT be fun, but your not sure? Let us know, and we’ll prove one way or another if it’s fun or if you can bin it for life.
- Wow, we’re awesome. Yay.
- Now go have fun in the yum sun you silly rascals.