Christians officially hate me

The below is a true story by the awesome Andy Day - I personally believe the lesson is buy my book or you're going to hell 


So!! In the spirit of EMM i have my own story to share with you which happened just today.

I was in Penrith earlier this morning and had just walked out of Panther Cycles having purchased some new Shimano cycling shoes and new cleat pedals.

On my way back to the car I walked past a shop front, looking inside I saw shelves full of books, immediately thinking to myself "Great, a book store, I'll see if they have any of Dave's books." Not that I would buy them from anyone other than you, but as an avid fan, curious as to where one could purchase your books from.

Walking into the store I made a bee line for the front counter, where I was met by an elderly gent of approximately 65. When I reached the counter we exchanged the usual greetings and he asked, how can I help?

"Do you have any books by the author, David Tieck?" I asked.

The gentleman behind the counter typed into his computer and after a moment replied, "I'm afraid I can't find anything, do you know any of the Titles?"

"Of course!" I replied. "There is, The Embarrassing Memory Murderer, and Losing My Virginity 52 Times." I say.

Staring at me for a few moments, the man then replies, "I beg your pardon!"

Confused, I say again, "The Embarrassing Memory Murderer and Losing My Virgi..." I begin to reply.

"Excuse me sir, but could you please keep your voice down!" He replies, cutting me off mid sentence.

I am shocked and taken aback at his reaction. "I'm sorry?" I say inquisitively.

He replies in a hushed yet serious tone, "I'm sorry sir, but this is a respected Christian book shop and we do not sell the sort of filth that you are asking for!", "now I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave!"

As I walk towards the door, I look to the shelves either side of me and see a display of new leather bound bibles and such titles as "let's chat about God".

I walk silently out of the shop, contemplating what had just happened. As soon as I got outside my only reaction was to simply burst out laughing at the fact that I had just unknowingly walked into a Strictly Christian book shop asking for your books and resulting in my being kicked out.

I'm afraid that you don't have a strong Christian follow DT! Best to rule them out from your targeted demographic audience. =D



You can't buy it in Christian book stores but you can buy it here :) - HERE HERE HERE or even ----> HERE

'This is so hot right now' - people in the future

Remember that time when the really hot thing became hot and you were like 'I could have been in on that from the beginning but I decided to wait until other people told me it was hot and I wish instead I had been one of the ones who could say "I was in on it from the beginning"' - well this is your chance to make up for that mistake - buy now - the beginning is still right now.....

Buy here on amazon

Or here on iUniverse

http://bookstore.iuniverse.com/Products/SKU-000592138/The-Embarrassing-Memory-Murderer.aspx

How to know you've made it

You know that moment when your teacher deals with a student with a differing opinion by saying "Sorry to disagree with you, but I did make a documentary on the subject, and that documentary won an Oscar"

Well experiencing this moment isn't quite making it, unless that is your dream, which it isn't, or unless you're that teacher, which you are, not and well also taking into account that this moment has probably never happened, unless it has, in which case it definitely has happened, but you probably weren't in the class when it did, unless you were, in which case most people will probably say 'you liar', unless they believe your story, in which case I hope they are your close friends, because there should be more believers out there, unless they actually said 'you're a liar' and you said it's 'you liar you idiot' and they replied 'I said "you're a liar" which is perfectly fine you idiot', in which case they probably aren't that good a friend, so fuck em. 

Then again I don't need friends like that, because I do now have a new teacher, and he has made a documentary, and it was one that won an Oscar, for best documentary even, because that's the most likely category to win an Oscar in for a documentary, because apparently documentaries aren't good enough for best film, even my unmade documentary ideas that would be way more likely to find funding if Oscars are up for grabs, and yet teachers documentary is about stuff that someone may make someone say "well what about if this was true" and it made him say "well I did win an Oscar" only he said it after a whole different thing happened, and he also said other interesting stuff.

Plus he's probably only been teaching for 40 years or so, with say several hundred students each year, and I am one of them, so yeah, I guess you could say I've made it.

Yay. 

Lessons from quotes

'R2D2 more like Right To Do You, am I right?' - guy who says stuff with sexual subtext that's sort of sexy but not quite enough to actually be sexy

'Potato, more like - poo NATO' -treasonairre

'Wish you were here' - guy who would probably waste wishes should he ever find a genie 

'Bluggggaloooppply' guy who thinks he is good at coining words yet actually PEAKED at 'treasonaire'

'Dave' - guy who always thinks all quotes come from 'guys'

'Fuck off, I was trying to follow a pattern' Dave, the idiot from above 

'I didn't say that' guy who said that 

'If you're so smart how come you forgot dashes for a while' - guy who forgot -'s for a while but then thought compensating for that by writing 'dashes' was compensational

'Compensational - that's a good one right' - that word coining guy from above 

'This started out as an attempt to write a 140 character tweet, can you end it please' - tired author of this 

'No' - lazy retort by same author too lazy to earn drama

'Please?' - an often misused word

'R2D or something, who cares about the ending' - Dave

'Fuck off, you treasonairre, I will not stop till this is perfec' - guy who thinks missing the final 't' makes it seem like he purposely on accident finished mid word

'Dashes are fun' - - - - - - 'Yay'

Lessons from a long journey

The journey being the long one I took from La to Sydney in the past 24 hours, and the lessons being these points I list now:

- Virgin Australia mastered how to take someone's long held customer loyalty and shove it up their arss
- 'lots of venom' - hopefully how the teenagers who were all on the same sport team on the plane play their indeterminate sport or else all their hoodies are liars
- one immensely delightful staff member at Delta doesn't make up for one dispicabley rude staff member at Delta
- when you're running late the word 'Indy' sounds like 'Sydney' and can make people going to Indianapolis miss their flight
- if your job is to go and find people going to Indianapolis and in danger of missing their flight and instead you yell out 'anyone going to Indy come with me' - you're probably bad at your job
- don't get the chicken on Delta flights
- teenagers are way less self conscious than me about making others stand up so they can pee
- teenagers probably have healthier kidneys than me
- old Asian guy next to me forgot to hit pause and missed the end of his movie and found it so hilarious he had to get my attention - we should all learn a lesson from that
- I can burst from a nightmare extravagantly and have no one notice
- having one really drippy nostril and one totally dry is weird
- bursting from a nightmare with a drippy nostril is messy
- a white sweater doesn't look good with yellow snot stains
- when the white sweater was a Xmas present that you really like, getting yellow snot on it isn't joyful
- 'give me the whole can you bitch' is something I would never say
- sometimes things I would never say are things I'd occasionally think, especially when I didn't get a mere whole freaking can
- I mean seriously, other people got full cans
- stupid delta
- it's all virgins fault
- I'm far too tired to edit this into something as coherent and poetic as my average post
- It's all Virgin's fault

It's all happening

- My new book, The Embarrassing Memory Murderer, is getting closer and closer to release date - I have even seen a digital version of it, and it's awesome, so look forward to that.
- Because of this, as a super special treat, I have now made my last book just 99c on kindle
- That's just 77 British Pence 
- You can find it here:

http://www.amazon.com/Losing-My-Virginity-Times-ebook/dp/B003VYBREA/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1337029904&sr=8-2


- Also don't forget that if you have an iphone, an ipad, macbook, and probably all the equivalents on android and PC you can download a kindle APP for free!!!! You can end up with hundreds of books on your phone or computer, even if they're not mine I highly recommend this, reading is totally fun you guys
- I wrote a blog about leaves today, but I wrote it with pencil, which means I need to type it up - stay tuned
- My soccer team is doing really shit which is making me hate sport again and focus back on arts
- Anne Hathaway accidentally showed her vagina
- People have actually been voting on what book I should publish next - thanks you awesome people
- I am really, really tired
- Seriously, her vagina!

There is probably even more awesome stuff, so enjoy life people, yaaaayyyy

A Xmas conspiracy

'Hes making a list, he's checking it twice, gonna FIND OUT who's naughty and nice'

Find out? FIND OUT? Who are these faceless minions doing this research into our behavior and how does Santa know he can trust them?

Also 'you better not cry' - so if your mom is killed by a serial killer and you cry a bit, no presents? What?

Ps.
Fun Dave Fact: it's me who is the faceless minion, and I'm getting in the spirit this year :) Yaaaaaay.

Fun Santa fact: he hates liars

Fun tennis fact: Some strings are made from synthetic cat gut

Fun serial killer fact: they really just want hugs

Fun Find Out fact: you can find out just about anything! That's so fun!

Fun Dave fact: naughty is fun too, yaaay, presents for all!!!!

Beard bald spot

My long lost 1st ever attempt at a YouTube video has been found! I recommend mixing things up and ahhing before you ooh

This is the exact moment Gangnam Style finally got awesome

Don't say this out loud

If you get into a sign language argument with a deaf friend while they're brandishing swords then watch out! Your friend may have found themselves an interesting hobby, and after this argument they may want to tell you all about it!

Also why argue? Why not ask about the swords, that's interesting right? Swords man! Better than a stupid argument at least.

Also good for you for learning sign language so you can speak to your deaf friend.

Also, watch out! Sign language with swords is dangerous!

I hope if you died four years ago we didn't just find out

If you had a huge pile of notes wouldn't you want someone to randomly pick at them? Also don't you dare discount Marvin Hamlisch you bastards.

Today in secrets

You know those bookshelves which are actually secret doorways? Well they are strange because ALL bookshelves are secret doorways - well, if you consider reading a secret - and you consider the imagination a doorway - and you can deal with the cruel reality that the boring 'book shelf' could have therefore been instead called the far more bad ass 'reading imagination' - and you can handle that this alternative name is actually sort of confusing as it references a secret doorway that is only metaphorical - and you're not too lazy to read a book - and you're not offended that I used the word 'lazy' to describe non-book readers - and you're not upset that I'm seemingly discounting all the hard lifting done by the shelf itself on a book shelf - especially if it holds reference books - which aren't really the kind of books that open secret doorways - but are heavy and frankly why should bookshelves hold a secret doorway - why isn't holding up big heavy stuff enough for you people? Would you like to hold up books all day for people to 'maybe' read the spine of - no you wouldn't - unless you would - in which case maybe you're the one hiding secrets!

A documentary - the making of episode one of In Bed with Charlie and Dave

Dave and Charlie wanted to do a talk show in bed but were too lazy to do it right, here is a documentary about how it all went down, and also the first episode. Dave forgot to pretend to read the bit about pretending to do 'may the force be with you' in a German accent.