Oh sorry, I was just distracted for a moment. You see I was just remembering the last time I had to fill out the “timeless submission form”.
‘What is the “timeless submission form?”’ I hear you ask.
You don’t know what the timeless submission form is?
Seriously?
Seriously?
You know the world makes me sad sometimes.
Actually, you know what. Ok. Ok. I guess I can remember a time when I didn’t know yet. It was a sad time, and if I hadn’t been helped out by a kind stranger I met in a dark ally one night who whispered ‘hey man, give me your wallet or I’ll kill you’ so I kneed him in the nads, and then ran down the street, and then went to a bar and got a drink to calm my nerves, and then I had a bunch, and then I went to he mall the next day, and when I was at that mall I bought the t-shirt I was wearing when I found out about the “timeless submission form”, so I guess I know how you’re feeling right now, so I’ll fill you in. (Ha ha, fill you in, like a form!)
First off there are a lot of awesome things about the “timeless submission form” that I should let you know about right off the bat.
1. It’s timeless, so that’s good. No watches needed. You don’t have to set an alarm to make sure you are up in time for it. By the way one time my alarm didn’t go off and I wake up way later and I’m thinking ‘hey my alarm didn’t go off so I slept well but then missed a very important meeting, which is a good thing mixed with a bad thing, and that’s just what I hate about stuff, you know its good and bad and stuff, so that’s kind of depressing’ but I digress, because the “timeless submission form” is hell yeah awesome and I hate to sully the fact that the timeless nature of it is part of that.
2. It’s a submission form so you can pretty much guarantee that most times the form will be submissive, you know or else the form would be lying with its very name and there ain’t no fucking way that people are going to get away with lying on the very name of a form and still have that form end up being implemented into the official form registry, especially when the form is related to escalators. Oh shit, I just gave away part of what the form is about at an early time than I planned. I am sorry. Still, a submissive form, you better believe that’s an awesome element to a form. So many forms fight back these days. These fucking forms that come armed at your first meeting, I hate those things. Guns, knives. It’s sickening. Yes I am going to poke you with a pen; IT’S YOUR JOB TO TAKE IT!!!!! DEAL WITH IT!!!!! You know, don’t sign up to be a form if you don’t want to deal with the realities of the job, that’s all I am saying. So yeah I form that just lies on the table and takes it, that’s my kind of form!
3. It’s a form. Actually I wouldn’t say that’s one of my favorite things about it. Still it’s better than it being like a laundry basket surely. I mean what can you do with a laundry basket, put laundry in it, use it for a makeshift cage if you catch bats in your attic, make an ironic fancy dress costume. That’s like IT. Where as forms have endless possibilities. There is a form you fill out when you get married, and there is another form you fill out when you get divorced! Seriously! That’s the truth. That’s forms that do the opposite of each other. The opposite! A guitar is awesome, but can it do the opposite of allow a musician to make awesome guitar music with it? Hell no. A TV is awesome, but can a TV do the opposite of display a wide arrange of entertainment options? Fuck no. Forms can do the opposite, and they deserve all the praise they get. People are always getting mad when another celebrity comes out in support of forms “you’re rich and famous, so it’s easy for you to support forms” people are always yelling. Yeah well forms great, and that’s the opposite of shit.
4. The “timeless submission form” is also a rare form printed on orange paper. Sure it’s because of a major fuck up by a paper delivery company which caused three people to get fired, but an orange form? Ha ha orange.
5. It’s made of paper, that means it used to be a tree! Wow, it’s like technology at work. How can you not marvel. Wow, marvel, wow.
‘Have you filled out the “timeless submission form”?’ I was asked once
‘No, should I have’ I replied
‘You don’t have to, but I recommend it’ the answer came back.
Do you know one day someone asked me if I had tried Diet Dr Pepper, and when I said no he was like ‘you should check it out, I recommend it’ and now I drink it everyday! I love it. Right there that is proof, iron clad proof, that recommendations can work in someone’s favor. So when someone recommends I fill out a form I check that shit out.
By the way, a car just drove by out my window. Those are made by stuff they got out of the ground! The ground! Where worms and other various un-seeable to the naked eye parasites live! I’m telling you people technology is amazing. I totally recommend checking it out, this shit is going to take off one day, and you’re going to feel like a nerd if you’re not part of the craze.
Now I am not one for embarrassing admissions, like the time I was on a volcano, and I saw smoke and freaked out, but then it was just a guy smoking, and when I noticed I was like ‘smoking is bad for your health’ and he was like ‘I know, but I do it anyway, how do you like me now bitch’, well I would never admit that I cried because someone called me a bitch, but I did, because I don’t like nasty words than can be not nasty if they use them in their original and proper manner, its rude. But I am telling you this now because I want you to feel fine with admitting to yourself if you have yet to make technology part of your life. It’s not too late, I swear.
By the way one bit of technology I don’t like is the escalator. I originally planned for this statement to be mind blowing, but I already mentioned the escalator earlier so I understand if you didn’t get the effect I desired. That’s my fault; don’t cry for me I make my own decisions. But seriously, escalators, we have stairs and then after shit loads of research the best thing they can come up with to improve this is moving stairs. I am sorry, that’s not good enough. They used to turn trees into forms, and metals and oils in the ground into cars, now they turn stairs into moving stairs. That’s failure in my eyes. Where are the float bubbles, where are the imagination movement facilitating transformation booths. That’s the technology I was taught to love, so escalators are a failure technology. Plus they’re lazy, but if you want to be lazy that’s your own privilege.
By the way who invented the ceiling fan? ‘Fuck it’s hot in here; you know what would be great? If we could attach something to the ceiling to make this exact same air move gently!’ That’s technology failure. Where is the temperature morphing logical flags? It’s technology catastrophe!!!!!
Ok, now that you know the facts, I think you’re heady to hear the truth – what is the “timeless submission form”? Well here is the brilliant thing. Hell Yeah Brilliant Awesomnessous!!
If you now go to any building which has installed escalators, you can request to see management, and then ask to fill out a “timeless submission form” and on this form, along with listing you name, address, tax details, medical history, and submitting a urine and blood test, and hair DNA sample, family history, the name of any people you ever and ‘impure thoughts’ about, you also get to fill out a question that asks ‘Any other comments?’ And right in this convenient location you can write “I think escalators are technology failure”.
That’s right. Right motherfucking there on the “Timeless Submission Form”!!! Can you believe it?
But wait, it gets even better.
If you ever get arrested for a violent crime you can ask to have this official complaint introduced as evidence that you are a forward thinking individual, and because the form is timeless it will always be there, and get this, once you make this request the judge will say ‘dually noticed’. That’s like proper court talk. How cool is that.
So do I recommend the “Timeless Submission Form” you better believe I do. And like I have proven, recommendations kick ass.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Powers beyond us and stuff dealy
It’s been an interesting week this week.
I finally relented and am trying a new sleeping aid this week. I try and stay away from them because if they work I become horribly addicted and then I use them too much and then they stop working and my sleep gets even worse. (Unless awesome sporting events are on in the middle of the night - in which case can't sleep, hell yeah I can't!). Anyway Nyquil entered my life two days ago, so far three great nights sleep, and three days where I can barely wake up. You know that haziness you have for the first ten minutes after you wake up when you haven't had enough sleep and consider suicide so you can jump back into it, I have that all day now. Fun! (I now understand how people watch all the crap that's on TV, it's not that they like it, it's just no energy to change the channel). I may stick with the Nyquil for a while, but then again I may also currently be a zombie and everyone is too afraid to tell me that my brains are hanging out incase I turn around and eat theirs. Also of course, one of the problems with sleep aids is for those of us inclined towards sleep walking they can increase the risks, the good news is based on my exhaustion and forehead tattoo that says “I got tattooed in Nebraska” I think I dodged that bullet.
By the way I just watched a big gangster looking black guy and a multiple head tattooed biker dude have a
“You go first”
“No you go first”
“No I insist”
Argument over who should enter a bookshop first. Hollywood can be adorable sometimes.
Plus I once wrote a novel called “face tattoo in Nebraska”. It’s about a teenager whose parents move him to Nebraska and he tries to find a way to get revenge on them but can’t figure anything out so just ends up getting a bunch of face tattoos. It’s your traditional coming of age teenage comedy romp!
We had an earthquake this week in LA. It was the second one I have felt and easily the strongest. This one felt like waves coming rolling in and apart from the surfer who splat against my window it wasn’t so bad.
Earthquakes are a weird experience here. They happen often enough that you’re not instantly scared that it’s the big one, but before you allow yourself to enjoy it you find yourself taking a moment to look around and see what could fall on you. This is where you thank god for once you don’t have a massive wall mounted TV. And it’s now that you remember that your upstairs neighbor often makes so much noise you suspect he has a pet elephant so you get to imagine what it would feel like to have an elephant crash through the ceiling and land on you. (I think it would be kind of like drowning in the sewer, you’d die but it would be worth it to experience the unique smell).
It’s kind of like when you’re taking off in a plane. You don’t believe it’s going to crash but you can’t help but pick out which flight attendant you’ll try to get to have one last hook up with, and decide which crying baby is so annoying that you’ll make a point of eating it first when you get lodged on a mountain (the answer is all of them – mmm baby back ribs).
I also went to church for the first time in years this week. My first huge big, musical extravangza American church experience! Church for me is always equal parts enlightening and inspiring, full of love and support and yet equal parts bat-shit crazy. It’s like the city bus – it gets you where you want to go quick and conveniently but you have to feel like a bag is about to be thrown over your head before you’re locked in a dungeon and forced to listen to choir music for hours.
By the way I once heard a woman in church exclaim “all you need is love” and John Lennon said that and he chose Yoko Ono over an endless string of horny groupies, and THAT’s bat-shit crazy.
Also this week Alicia Keys New York song has made me officially no longer dream of living in New York, so I need a new dream city. At the moment I am thinking Minnesota, I heard there is a heat wave there right now and I’m a sucker for a warm climate.
Besides did you know that 20% of New York residents never sleep walk into ongoing traffic – NEVER – that’s no town for me!
Read more: http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.ListAll&bID=536959442#ixzz0tL8wOhPd
I finally relented and am trying a new sleeping aid this week. I try and stay away from them because if they work I become horribly addicted and then I use them too much and then they stop working and my sleep gets even worse. (Unless awesome sporting events are on in the middle of the night - in which case can't sleep, hell yeah I can't!). Anyway Nyquil entered my life two days ago, so far three great nights sleep, and three days where I can barely wake up. You know that haziness you have for the first ten minutes after you wake up when you haven't had enough sleep and consider suicide so you can jump back into it, I have that all day now. Fun! (I now understand how people watch all the crap that's on TV, it's not that they like it, it's just no energy to change the channel). I may stick with the Nyquil for a while, but then again I may also currently be a zombie and everyone is too afraid to tell me that my brains are hanging out incase I turn around and eat theirs. Also of course, one of the problems with sleep aids is for those of us inclined towards sleep walking they can increase the risks, the good news is based on my exhaustion and forehead tattoo that says “I got tattooed in Nebraska” I think I dodged that bullet.
By the way I just watched a big gangster looking black guy and a multiple head tattooed biker dude have a
“You go first”
“No you go first”
“No I insist”
Argument over who should enter a bookshop first. Hollywood can be adorable sometimes.
Plus I once wrote a novel called “face tattoo in Nebraska”. It’s about a teenager whose parents move him to Nebraska and he tries to find a way to get revenge on them but can’t figure anything out so just ends up getting a bunch of face tattoos. It’s your traditional coming of age teenage comedy romp!
We had an earthquake this week in LA. It was the second one I have felt and easily the strongest. This one felt like waves coming rolling in and apart from the surfer who splat against my window it wasn’t so bad.
Earthquakes are a weird experience here. They happen often enough that you’re not instantly scared that it’s the big one, but before you allow yourself to enjoy it you find yourself taking a moment to look around and see what could fall on you. This is where you thank god for once you don’t have a massive wall mounted TV. And it’s now that you remember that your upstairs neighbor often makes so much noise you suspect he has a pet elephant so you get to imagine what it would feel like to have an elephant crash through the ceiling and land on you. (I think it would be kind of like drowning in the sewer, you’d die but it would be worth it to experience the unique smell).
It’s kind of like when you’re taking off in a plane. You don’t believe it’s going to crash but you can’t help but pick out which flight attendant you’ll try to get to have one last hook up with, and decide which crying baby is so annoying that you’ll make a point of eating it first when you get lodged on a mountain (the answer is all of them – mmm baby back ribs).
I also went to church for the first time in years this week. My first huge big, musical extravangza American church experience! Church for me is always equal parts enlightening and inspiring, full of love and support and yet equal parts bat-shit crazy. It’s like the city bus – it gets you where you want to go quick and conveniently but you have to feel like a bag is about to be thrown over your head before you’re locked in a dungeon and forced to listen to choir music for hours.
By the way I once heard a woman in church exclaim “all you need is love” and John Lennon said that and he chose Yoko Ono over an endless string of horny groupies, and THAT’s bat-shit crazy.
Also this week Alicia Keys New York song has made me officially no longer dream of living in New York, so I need a new dream city. At the moment I am thinking Minnesota, I heard there is a heat wave there right now and I’m a sucker for a warm climate.
Besides did you know that 20% of New York residents never sleep walk into ongoing traffic – NEVER – that’s no town for me!
Read more: http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.ListAll&bID=536959442#ixzz0tL8wOhPd
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Friday, July 2, 2010
Didn't die ALL year!!!
Two of my best friends and my Ok, intriguing: Hell Yeah! co-hosts birthdays are this week, yay. Happy birthday Faith and Eliza!!!!
So here are some things you may not know about presents
- If you're at a bridal shower dealy and you're on a TV show always buy a vibrator for a gift because that will shock the older ladies you didn't think were going to be there (older ladies on TV only use fingers when cleaning out their ears, cue-tips can cause ear infections, if you know what I mean).
- If the person whom your celebrating works in the steel mines don't buy him the DVD of 'Remington Steel' unless you're POSITIVE he uses a Remington shaver, otherwise no one will get the joke and you've wasted your hard earned gift giving responsibilities
- Always joke around about what you got your friend as a gift by saying things like 'we got a hat from Rip Curl, a pack of condoms for people with tiny penises, and a Whitesnake t-shirt, ha ha ha ha, just kidding' when in fact you're not kidding, cause that way they get to go 'thank fuck you're joking, I'd hate all those girfts' before awkwardly opening them in front of everyone (this actually happened to me when I was younger)(please note except for the condoms I don't actually remember what the rest of the gifts were, too mortified to memory bank that one)(please note also that a Whitesnake t-shirt would suck, but tiny condoms, mmm mmm snug)
- If it's a birthday and they are older than they want to be always get them one of those cards which say 'happy birthday old man!!!' that way you won't be invited back next year, and you don't have to hear them whine about how old they now are (please note I whine about how old I am every year, at least come to my party you pricks)
- If you can't afford a present make a fake coupon book of annoying chores, then wrap it up and put her boyfriends name on the card, cause why would your friend make you buy his girlfriend a present, weirdo
Anyone got any weird/awful/awesome present stories?
So here are some things you may not know about presents
- If you're at a bridal shower dealy and you're on a TV show always buy a vibrator for a gift because that will shock the older ladies you didn't think were going to be there (older ladies on TV only use fingers when cleaning out their ears, cue-tips can cause ear infections, if you know what I mean).
- If the person whom your celebrating works in the steel mines don't buy him the DVD of 'Remington Steel' unless you're POSITIVE he uses a Remington shaver, otherwise no one will get the joke and you've wasted your hard earned gift giving responsibilities
- Always joke around about what you got your friend as a gift by saying things like 'we got a hat from Rip Curl, a pack of condoms for people with tiny penises, and a Whitesnake t-shirt, ha ha ha ha, just kidding' when in fact you're not kidding, cause that way they get to go 'thank fuck you're joking, I'd hate all those girfts' before awkwardly opening them in front of everyone (this actually happened to me when I was younger)(please note except for the condoms I don't actually remember what the rest of the gifts were, too mortified to memory bank that one)(please note also that a Whitesnake t-shirt would suck, but tiny condoms, mmm mmm snug)
- If it's a birthday and they are older than they want to be always get them one of those cards which say 'happy birthday old man!!!' that way you won't be invited back next year, and you don't have to hear them whine about how old they now are (please note I whine about how old I am every year, at least come to my party you pricks)
- If you can't afford a present make a fake coupon book of annoying chores, then wrap it up and put her boyfriends name on the card, cause why would your friend make you buy his girlfriend a present, weirdo
Anyone got any weird/awful/awesome present stories?
Monday, June 28, 2010
Oh damn, I forgot all about this!!!
Its the links to our show this week.
Ok, intriguing: Hell Yeah! - the sunburned edition :)
Faith is back, we have two special guests, and we explore wrong in all its forms as always, hope you enjoy.
Part one
http://www.ustream.tv/recorded/7897837
Part two
http://www.ustream.tv/recorded/7898763
Ok, intriguing: Hell Yeah! - the sunburned edition :)
Faith is back, we have two special guests, and we explore wrong in all its forms as always, hope you enjoy.
Part one
http://www.ustream.tv/recorded/7897837
Part two
http://www.ustream.tv/recorded/7898763
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
In this moment
I'm a gypsy
I'm a dreamer
I need to explore
I need to runaway
I need
I need
To be free
Why not just
I don't know
What to do
When I need to do it all
When other people's problems sum up my goal
When my mind stays confused
When I still can't sleep
Or move forward
Trapped in my body
Discover
Oh no
Is it happening again
Why aren't I there still
Doing what I don't want
But not knowing answers
Just look at me
In my embarrassment
Building from it
Not wanting to repeat it
What's next
Please what's next
May it be right
Finally
These perceptions blind
Finally
I'm a dreamer
I need to explore
I need to runaway
I need
I need
To be free
Why not just
I don't know
What to do
When I need to do it all
When other people's problems sum up my goal
When my mind stays confused
When I still can't sleep
Or move forward
Trapped in my body
Discover
Oh no
Is it happening again
Why aren't I there still
Doing what I don't want
But not knowing answers
Just look at me
In my embarrassment
Building from it
Not wanting to repeat it
What's next
Please what's next
May it be right
Finally
These perceptions blind
Finally
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
What’s the worst that could happen?
There is nothing worse than losing faith, and seeing as we had printer issues and didn’t end up doing the Magical Questionnaire on the show last week, here is a ‘what is the worst?’ that could happen review dealy of the responses. For these please meet my evil twin, Massively Immoral Dave MID (parents of twins where one is Massively Immoral are often also the unimaginative type’s, and in this scenario this is what I am suggesting, make believe is fun).
Fuck you’re a tool! Shut up Massively Immoral Dave, you haven’t been introduced yet. Hey Weird Except Basically Moral Yet Sort Of Crazy Dave, or HWEBMYSOCD which is a crap name so why don’t we actually make it Dave’s Actually Moral because that makes DAM which is a nickname you’ve sort of being working on for yourself after having it coined for you in Amsterdam, which is actually kind of nice of me, but that’s how someone Massively Immoral works, we’re sort of nice AND THEN we get you, ha ha, I don’t live by the rules. Rules are for cunt holes, like you, cunt hole Dam. Ok Mid, you don’t have to live by the rules, and you can now do this what’s the worst that could happen dealy. I will, plus I de-sharpened all your pencils, suck it bitch.
What's something you've had faith in at some point of your life and lost?
Some people in my life.
Oh yeah, I lost faith in some people in my life once. One was this guy Patrick, he was a god dam Homeopath. So like I meet him right, he goes I’m Patrick, I’m a Homeopath, and I am like hell yeah motherfucker, that’s fucking awesome we should hang out some time later. Yeah that’s right, I am massively immoral, so you better believe I have no problem fucking the shit out of someone in a homosexual way EVEN though I barely know them, and then getting into some hardcore sociopath type activities. I mean a homosexual sociopath and someone who is the massively immoral genetic equal of his actually moral brother, THAT is a combination ready to take over the fucking underworld. Which is even better than taking over the world because if you take over the world you have probably got to deal with like famine and shit, and an immoral motherfucker like me doesn’t deal with social causes so the underworld kicks ass, plus I was ready to do some over the top sociopath type shit, which is something really goddamed noticeable if you rule the whole fucking world which I think puts to rest the argument for taking over the underworld rather than the world world. Like for example I had plans to be a tyrant of some description, cause that sounds cool, and I was going to like put mothballs in some strangers car so it would smell all mothbally, and like go to a canteen and like fuck a teenager and when the teen’s parents called the cops I would be like its can-teen, as in Can fuck teens here bitch, that’s the kind of immoral literalist I like to be. So then Patrick shows up and it turns out he is NEITHER a homosexual OR a sociopath, in fact a homeopath is some sort of doctor or some shit, and apart from the fucking lying in name of his the profession he chooses to represent himself by, and of course lying is fucking awesome, but like helping people in a medial way is NOT how this immoral scumfucking cunt holes, no sir bob (which is a guy I fucked in a totally ethically corrupt way). So yeah I lost faith in Patrick (plus that’s a guy I knew who abused at cat, and even immoral as fuck me thinks that’s fucked). I lost faith in him big time and because of that I never did mothball some cunts car, and I will NEVER forgive Patrick for that. (I might mothball his car for revenge).
More to come.
Fuck you’re a tool! Shut up Massively Immoral Dave, you haven’t been introduced yet. Hey Weird Except Basically Moral Yet Sort Of Crazy Dave, or HWEBMYSOCD which is a crap name so why don’t we actually make it Dave’s Actually Moral because that makes DAM which is a nickname you’ve sort of being working on for yourself after having it coined for you in Amsterdam, which is actually kind of nice of me, but that’s how someone Massively Immoral works, we’re sort of nice AND THEN we get you, ha ha, I don’t live by the rules. Rules are for cunt holes, like you, cunt hole Dam. Ok Mid, you don’t have to live by the rules, and you can now do this what’s the worst that could happen dealy. I will, plus I de-sharpened all your pencils, suck it bitch.
What's something you've had faith in at some point of your life and lost?
Some people in my life.
Oh yeah, I lost faith in some people in my life once. One was this guy Patrick, he was a god dam Homeopath. So like I meet him right, he goes I’m Patrick, I’m a Homeopath, and I am like hell yeah motherfucker, that’s fucking awesome we should hang out some time later. Yeah that’s right, I am massively immoral, so you better believe I have no problem fucking the shit out of someone in a homosexual way EVEN though I barely know them, and then getting into some hardcore sociopath type activities. I mean a homosexual sociopath and someone who is the massively immoral genetic equal of his actually moral brother, THAT is a combination ready to take over the fucking underworld. Which is even better than taking over the world because if you take over the world you have probably got to deal with like famine and shit, and an immoral motherfucker like me doesn’t deal with social causes so the underworld kicks ass, plus I was ready to do some over the top sociopath type shit, which is something really goddamed noticeable if you rule the whole fucking world which I think puts to rest the argument for taking over the underworld rather than the world world. Like for example I had plans to be a tyrant of some description, cause that sounds cool, and I was going to like put mothballs in some strangers car so it would smell all mothbally, and like go to a canteen and like fuck a teenager and when the teen’s parents called the cops I would be like its can-teen, as in Can fuck teens here bitch, that’s the kind of immoral literalist I like to be. So then Patrick shows up and it turns out he is NEITHER a homosexual OR a sociopath, in fact a homeopath is some sort of doctor or some shit, and apart from the fucking lying in name of his the profession he chooses to represent himself by, and of course lying is fucking awesome, but like helping people in a medial way is NOT how this immoral scumfucking cunt holes, no sir bob (which is a guy I fucked in a totally ethically corrupt way). So yeah I lost faith in Patrick (plus that’s a guy I knew who abused at cat, and even immoral as fuck me thinks that’s fucked). I lost faith in him big time and because of that I never did mothball some cunts car, and I will NEVER forgive Patrick for that. (I might mothball his car for revenge).
More to come.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Careful crossing the street
When I was about ten years old everyday when I walked home from school there was a major highway I had to cross. At this time in the afternoon the traffic was heavy on the far side of the road and almost non-existent on the closer side, so I would every day cross halfway and stand on the medium strip waiting for the light to go green. One particular day for some unknown reason I decided not to walk half way today, it wasn't that I felt like being patient or lazy, it was an instinct that specifically told me not to. Moments later a car got clipped by another car going at high speeds and the car lost control and slammed hard into the pole where I would have been standing. It is not possible that I would have survived.
About six or seven years ago I was at the local mall having just been to a doctors appointment. This particular appointment was for me to receive results of a biopsy and after a horrible two weeks of waiting I just found out I didn't have cancer. I was heading into the mall for what I assume would have been a celebratory dessert of some description when I had a street to cross. It is a pretty quiet street despite being in a busy area and by the time the light turned green for me to cross the rest of the pedestrians had crossed against the red, something I rarely do, and especially here as there is a blind corner where you can only a see a car coming really late, I have seen people nearly hit there dozens of times. So I wait for the green and ready to cross. On this particular day however with my head in the clouds with joy of not having cancer and yet with the doctors still not sure what the hell was causing my never ending ear infection, just sure it was 'something' in their words, I waited for the green, but instead of walking as the little green man showed himself something told me to step back, so I did. In that moment a car coming around the blind corner realized he hadn't made the orange light but was in no position to stop for the red and to compensate for his error and try to get through the intersection as fast as humanly possible he instead sped up and took the corner as close as he possibly could meaning he clipped the gutter and missed me by less than an inch. Once again I would surely have been killed.
I don't know what this instinct was both these times that saved my life. I don't think I regularly have instincts which turn out to be nothing. I do have the kind of fucked up mind that I constantly can't see speeding cars without visualizing them crashing, I can't see pedestrians sprinting in front of speeding cars without seeing them hit in my mind. I visualize all the possibilities in most of the situations I am in. It is why I write and make art, my mind already sees it all so why not explore when I can.
So there is a corpse in the middle of the road in front of my building right now. A young girl tried to sprint across the road in front of a truck but wasn't fast enough. The entire block is marked out in police tape, there are cops everywhere, there is a truck driver sitting by his truck looking more distraught than any other human I have ever seen, and sitting alone in the middle is a girls body covered in a white sheet. Dead to save two minutes waiting for the lights.
I know a lot of people who take big risks driving and crossing the street to save a little time here and there. I can't do it, I see the possibilities with my mind, and once I have seen the potential to end up a corpse I can't take those risks.
I used to say that I had discovered patience, but I don't think that is what it is. It's purely a discovery of the death of my youthful stupidity.
I don't know what it is about cars which make people take such risks around them. Everyone thinks it wont happen to them. Yet people die in car accidents or being hit as pedestrians over and over and over and over again. And I hate it. It makes me mad and it makes me sad. I've learned to really dislike cars. My instincts tell me if I didn't it would kill me. I drive as little as possible, and hope to one day stop driving altogether. I dream of a carless society with amazing public transport which is safe and quick.
In the mean time we all have to live with cars. They dominate our lives. Still I cannot understand that while cars pollute our world, cause wars and environmental catastrophes, affect the economy sometimes with disastrous results, and kill thousands upon thousands of people consistantly why why why, at the very least, can't we take away the licenses of those people who clearly don't take the responsibility as seriously as it needs to be taken.
Drink drivers, massive speeders, and dangerous drivers of all sorts get fined, sometimes lose their license for short periods, but we keep giving them back.
If we take away the licenses of the the worst 25% of drivers (which I think should be the minimum) then suddenly we have a huge reduction in pollution, traffic gets way better, driving becomes massively safer, plus these people now in need of alternatives start using trains and buses which injects cash and forces governments to improve the facilities, which leads to other drivers more willing to use them, and we get a whole movement towards a better system. At least as far as I am concerned.
Anyway, its not going to happen. So instead I continue to be safe as best I can, I hope you do the same, especially my friends who I know do not, and I worry for them. Until you do I will continue to have to deal with my mind watching you die thousands of times a day, and I'll get back to twisting the crazy way my mind works into bat shit insane comedy :)
About six or seven years ago I was at the local mall having just been to a doctors appointment. This particular appointment was for me to receive results of a biopsy and after a horrible two weeks of waiting I just found out I didn't have cancer. I was heading into the mall for what I assume would have been a celebratory dessert of some description when I had a street to cross. It is a pretty quiet street despite being in a busy area and by the time the light turned green for me to cross the rest of the pedestrians had crossed against the red, something I rarely do, and especially here as there is a blind corner where you can only a see a car coming really late, I have seen people nearly hit there dozens of times. So I wait for the green and ready to cross. On this particular day however with my head in the clouds with joy of not having cancer and yet with the doctors still not sure what the hell was causing my never ending ear infection, just sure it was 'something' in their words, I waited for the green, but instead of walking as the little green man showed himself something told me to step back, so I did. In that moment a car coming around the blind corner realized he hadn't made the orange light but was in no position to stop for the red and to compensate for his error and try to get through the intersection as fast as humanly possible he instead sped up and took the corner as close as he possibly could meaning he clipped the gutter and missed me by less than an inch. Once again I would surely have been killed.
I don't know what this instinct was both these times that saved my life. I don't think I regularly have instincts which turn out to be nothing. I do have the kind of fucked up mind that I constantly can't see speeding cars without visualizing them crashing, I can't see pedestrians sprinting in front of speeding cars without seeing them hit in my mind. I visualize all the possibilities in most of the situations I am in. It is why I write and make art, my mind already sees it all so why not explore when I can.
So there is a corpse in the middle of the road in front of my building right now. A young girl tried to sprint across the road in front of a truck but wasn't fast enough. The entire block is marked out in police tape, there are cops everywhere, there is a truck driver sitting by his truck looking more distraught than any other human I have ever seen, and sitting alone in the middle is a girls body covered in a white sheet. Dead to save two minutes waiting for the lights.
I know a lot of people who take big risks driving and crossing the street to save a little time here and there. I can't do it, I see the possibilities with my mind, and once I have seen the potential to end up a corpse I can't take those risks.
I used to say that I had discovered patience, but I don't think that is what it is. It's purely a discovery of the death of my youthful stupidity.
I don't know what it is about cars which make people take such risks around them. Everyone thinks it wont happen to them. Yet people die in car accidents or being hit as pedestrians over and over and over and over again. And I hate it. It makes me mad and it makes me sad. I've learned to really dislike cars. My instincts tell me if I didn't it would kill me. I drive as little as possible, and hope to one day stop driving altogether. I dream of a carless society with amazing public transport which is safe and quick.
In the mean time we all have to live with cars. They dominate our lives. Still I cannot understand that while cars pollute our world, cause wars and environmental catastrophes, affect the economy sometimes with disastrous results, and kill thousands upon thousands of people consistantly why why why, at the very least, can't we take away the licenses of those people who clearly don't take the responsibility as seriously as it needs to be taken.
Drink drivers, massive speeders, and dangerous drivers of all sorts get fined, sometimes lose their license for short periods, but we keep giving them back.
If we take away the licenses of the the worst 25% of drivers (which I think should be the minimum) then suddenly we have a huge reduction in pollution, traffic gets way better, driving becomes massively safer, plus these people now in need of alternatives start using trains and buses which injects cash and forces governments to improve the facilities, which leads to other drivers more willing to use them, and we get a whole movement towards a better system. At least as far as I am concerned.
Anyway, its not going to happen. So instead I continue to be safe as best I can, I hope you do the same, especially my friends who I know do not, and I worry for them. Until you do I will continue to have to deal with my mind watching you die thousands of times a day, and I'll get back to twisting the crazy way my mind works into bat shit insane comedy :)
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Ok, we got all sorts of wrong :)
Hell Yeah, we probably made fun of just about everyone, check it out and see if we can offend you too!!! :)
http://www.ustream.tv/recorded/7752584
http://www.ustream.tv/recorded/7753390
http://www.ustream.tv/recorded/7752584
http://www.ustream.tv/recorded/7753390
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Do you have faith in magic?
In sad news this week, Ok, intriguing: Hell Yeah! has lost its Faith. It's literal Faith. Yes the beautiful Faith Willman will be at a wedding this Friday, and for our first time having to deal with a loss of Faith, the magical questionnaire this week is all about loss of faith.
What's something you've had faith in at some point of your life and lost?
Something I have faith in right now is ____________? Because _____________
One thing that should never be given for a prize is ______________
Come check out the show, we will probably have a very special guest co-host, and intriguing stuff, and hell yeah stuff, all the good dealies :)
6pm California time Friday, Noon Sydney Saturday (I think), 9pm NYC time Friday
http://www.ustream.tv/channel/ok-intriguing-hell-yeah
What's something you've had faith in at some point of your life and lost?
Something I have faith in right now is ____________? Because _____________
One thing that should never be given for a prize is ______________
Come check out the show, we will probably have a very special guest co-host, and intriguing stuff, and hell yeah stuff, all the good dealies :)
6pm California time Friday, Noon Sydney Saturday (I think), 9pm NYC time Friday
http://www.ustream.tv/channel/ok-intriguing-hell-yeah
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Look at me, I'm naked
Apparently as I a small child I simply adored getting naked. Any chance I could get, especially in public, off came the clothes and out came the pee pee, and then I'd run around like a drunk who had lit himself on fire.
I don't have much memory of this. On the other hand I believe the earliest memory I have of life is sitting on the potty next to someone else sitting on the potty with myself boasting that I could pee out of my bum.
Basically I was a diarrhea prone show off with a solid desire for exhibitionism from the get go.
I guess little has changed :)
I don't have much memory of this. On the other hand I believe the earliest memory I have of life is sitting on the potty next to someone else sitting on the potty with myself boasting that I could pee out of my bum.
Basically I was a diarrhea prone show off with a solid desire for exhibitionism from the get go.
I guess little has changed :)
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Listen to this please
Most history books don't cover this, which is a shame on the historical community, but before mufflers were officially muffled they were actually some of the biggest talkers in the world.
A muffler once gave a speech in Ancient Rome that went for a hundred and twelve hours and with out a single toilet break, by the end he was merely listing things he knew could never fight each other in the Colosseum and yet he would like to fight regardless. This included a midget fighting a Slumper (an ancient cutlery devise used to pry the meat off the pig as it roasted over the fire - they stopped using them when they realized that sixteen prongs really was over-kill) and also an obese man fighting a hippopotamus (at that time the obese were primarly fed to lions to give them the taste for human flesh).
Another time a Muffler was asked for directions to the post office and the poor lost fellow was subjected to detailed directions but also a concise bio of the architect of the building and a dictation of the history of the postal services (this last bit wasn't so long given that the concept of delivering mail had only been invented a few days earlier). The man also was told just how builders went about constructing the huge columns they put in front of buildings. This information was of course lost when mufflers were muffled and then cruelly attached to the bottom of cars, not only ruining a great species and the only living talking metal species, but also rendering most buildings column-less and boring.
Mufflers unfortunately on the other hand (a term mufflers despised seeing as they had no hands) were not just wells of information, they were also vicious liars and rumor mongers (amongst the many lies mufflers told over the years was that they coined the word monger when in fact it was actually coined by a small Peruvian boy while trying to order Mongolian Bbq take out).
Mufflers were responsible for some of the worst rumors and lies ever told
- it was after a Muffler told an Englishman that rats were fun to lick that the black plague broke out
- it was a muffler who started the rumor that women were allowed to say no to sex leading men to start seeking world power, and you know starting all those war dealies
- Jesus? You better believe that was a another Muffler rumor (Buddha on the hand was real. His rise to spiritual leader was inspired by the fact a lion had refused to eat him, making people think he was magic. His jolliness on the other hand, yep, you guessed it - merely a muffler rumor. He was actually a sadistic serial killer and his justifications about reincarnation at the time were considered silly in the way 'the dog told me to do it' is joked about today.
One rumor never attributed to the Mufflers, yet one I personally suspect were all over it (I was going to say had their finger prints all over it, they don't have hands David! Ha ha, sometimes you can be silly) was the rumor that you can wish upon a star - this is NOT FUCKING TRUE. Ever since this rumor was begun wishes have gone wasted on non-wish granting entities and this is just the kind of evilness that was at the very heart of the Muffler rumor mongering society.
The point is with electric cars becoming more and more the rage we have reached a time in the world where Mufflers may no longer be part of the auto-community and therefore Mufflers may be freed from their muffling and you better believe they are going to have a lot to say, and if you only listen to one thing this week, listen to this - don't listen to the mufflers, they're often really, really mumbly and that can be annoying to listen to.
Ps - did you listen to that? Awesomenessous - It's hard to hear the written word - I'm super proud of you :)
A muffler once gave a speech in Ancient Rome that went for a hundred and twelve hours and with out a single toilet break, by the end he was merely listing things he knew could never fight each other in the Colosseum and yet he would like to fight regardless. This included a midget fighting a Slumper (an ancient cutlery devise used to pry the meat off the pig as it roasted over the fire - they stopped using them when they realized that sixteen prongs really was over-kill) and also an obese man fighting a hippopotamus (at that time the obese were primarly fed to lions to give them the taste for human flesh).
Another time a Muffler was asked for directions to the post office and the poor lost fellow was subjected to detailed directions but also a concise bio of the architect of the building and a dictation of the history of the postal services (this last bit wasn't so long given that the concept of delivering mail had only been invented a few days earlier). The man also was told just how builders went about constructing the huge columns they put in front of buildings. This information was of course lost when mufflers were muffled and then cruelly attached to the bottom of cars, not only ruining a great species and the only living talking metal species, but also rendering most buildings column-less and boring.
Mufflers unfortunately on the other hand (a term mufflers despised seeing as they had no hands) were not just wells of information, they were also vicious liars and rumor mongers (amongst the many lies mufflers told over the years was that they coined the word monger when in fact it was actually coined by a small Peruvian boy while trying to order Mongolian Bbq take out).
Mufflers were responsible for some of the worst rumors and lies ever told
- it was after a Muffler told an Englishman that rats were fun to lick that the black plague broke out
- it was a muffler who started the rumor that women were allowed to say no to sex leading men to start seeking world power, and you know starting all those war dealies
- Jesus? You better believe that was a another Muffler rumor (Buddha on the hand was real. His rise to spiritual leader was inspired by the fact a lion had refused to eat him, making people think he was magic. His jolliness on the other hand, yep, you guessed it - merely a muffler rumor. He was actually a sadistic serial killer and his justifications about reincarnation at the time were considered silly in the way 'the dog told me to do it' is joked about today.
One rumor never attributed to the Mufflers, yet one I personally suspect were all over it (I was going to say had their finger prints all over it, they don't have hands David! Ha ha, sometimes you can be silly) was the rumor that you can wish upon a star - this is NOT FUCKING TRUE. Ever since this rumor was begun wishes have gone wasted on non-wish granting entities and this is just the kind of evilness that was at the very heart of the Muffler rumor mongering society.
The point is with electric cars becoming more and more the rage we have reached a time in the world where Mufflers may no longer be part of the auto-community and therefore Mufflers may be freed from their muffling and you better believe they are going to have a lot to say, and if you only listen to one thing this week, listen to this - don't listen to the mufflers, they're often really, really mumbly and that can be annoying to listen to.
Ps - did you listen to that? Awesomenessous - It's hard to hear the written word - I'm super proud of you :)
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