Weather boy to the stars

It's the Larry David news - starring David Tieck as your weather expert - anyone want to hire me? I don't mind standing in the rain, but just don't make me face the wind - I HAAAAATTTEEE WIND!!!

David Tieck.... Brilliant

New flawless insults - finally

I know what you are thinking, saying "fuck you" just doesn't work anymore, it has no pizazz, no bang for its buck, no french sounding posh-ness (Genasaquar? I don't fucking know how to spell that). We need some new insults, and not just knew ones, but FLAWLESS ones, ones that can be thrown out in just about any situation and at any person and be relevant, harsh, AND really stick em where it hurts. Yep, I am talking EMOTIONALLY!!!!

I came up with some:

-  I've owned cutlery draws more charismatic than your opinions on shell fish inspired school systems!
-  Coffee"!!!! I asked for "confederacy" not "coffee", ha ha - "confederacy"!
-  Next thing you know you'll be saying "lets go camping on the moon" - yeah, right, You tool! Wait, CAN we go to the moon?
- If you love Cinderella so much why don't you just marry a punkin and hope lots, etc and then she still probably wouldn't love you because she's at least fifty percent fictional!
-  You know how you can put a silencer on a gun? You're like one of those made for Television remotes!
- Well I still say if I had have invented science then right now I'd probably be WAY older than you!
-  You're such a vacuum that if you played the classic 1970s home edition of the Price is Right you'd probably vacuum it!
-  The "ScienceFact" is that "ScienceFiction" isn't always that awesome, am I right?
-  Alright, I am done for now, I think!
- I've never had a boner while being burnt alive that didn't make me think about you!

See how flawless all those were, AND insulting! If not I will tell you how flawless and insutlting they were - FLAWLESSLY INSULTING! Can't you just see how they hit you where hurts, are useful in ANY situation, and have a french flair, (Jenaso, um, genercokwa, um, JennaSoQuar, I don't fucking know, fucking french!)

But don't feel tapped with these as your only options, feel free to write your own, you can do it, although I bet you're as good at coming up with them as Prairie Dog fur feels at a romantic movie about RELATIONSHIPS!!! ZING!

And now your average insomniatic thoughts by Dave

- I should write a joke about the phrase 'there is nothing sadder than' where the punchline is listing all the things that are really actually sad, like babies born dead, and famine, and fans of (insert pop music celebrity that you can't believe anyone could like in here) but who gives a shit about this fucking shit

- I should draw on my leg to test out if I maybe want a tattoo there 

- why is the world so god damn quiet 

- 330am, definitely not going to get enough sleep, fuck I hate having to get up early 

- you know because people say 'there's nothing sadder than' and then say things like 'an old man trying to be hip' or 'a teenager trying to be grown up' or fans of (insert pop music celebrity that you can't believe anyone could like in here) but none of those things are actually sad, so referencing a baby actually BORN dead would be hilarious right? 

- I'm so not tired, I'm epically not tired, why have I once again set my life up so I have to go to bed when I'm not tired? 

- fuck this sucks shit

- yeah getting yourself more and more frustrated will help a lot, nice one Dave, you fucking idiot

- my legs hurt, actually ache from insomnia, pathetic 

- if I lived in an age of wild animals hunting humans I would so not survive, which means my ancestors probably bred young then got eaten, fuck I hate them

- I drew a cartoon I wanted tattooed on my calf like a decade ago, but I never got it - yet I still kind of want it, that's a good test of longevity right? 

- why am I seeking approval as usual, just be your fucking self Dave, who gives a shit what other people think, seriously why care? 

- I mean some of them are probably actually fans of (insert pop music celebrity you can't believe anyone could like in here) and how could you care about the opinion of someone who likes them?

- Auuhhjggghhhh 

- I'm frustrated

- (insert hilarious wrap up type thing that pulls this all together here)

- fuck this shittin shit fuck (yep, that works... Dave, you're amazing... you genius!)

- Ha ha - dead babies!

The important thing is the ear pimple

Good thoughts

I enjoy optimism but I just wish it had a better attitude I mean it's always like 

'it's me or pessimism, make your choice, but you better pick me or ill rape you with asshole like negativity, man seriously'

I'm optimistic so I'll give optimism a lot of slack, but it's just not all about you assholes!!!

Oh man, so it turns out abortion IS evil!

According to the good people over at the institute for Freakonomics, the huge falls in crime rates in New York City and other major US cities over the past lazy decade or three, was caused not by better police tactics, improved education or successful social polies, but is in fact directly linked to the legalization of abortion.

As the theory goes, unwanted children, often those growing up in poverty and/ or unloving and broken homes are those most likely to turn to crime, and a whole slew of these unwanted babies were instead aborted - leading to your TV still being where you last left it, your gasoline only being siphoned occasionally instead of regularly and your pants being left unpeed in due to a super scary mugging. God bless abortion!

I didn’t read this whole article, but you may: freakonomics

But here is the problem – it is also usually these types of fucked up, unloved, psychologically damaged and emotionally scarred people who both make unique, boundary pushing art and/ or seek out and support these artists allowing them to be popularized and enter the mainstream, and in their absence we’ve been left with the likes art and artists made and supported by people who’s parents actually wanted them, like Beiber, Kardashians and Twilights. Fuck you abortion!

These aborted babies may have included the people responsible for the next genre changing rock band, indie film movement or kids who would have shot the Kardashians before they got on TV! Oh no, what have we done.

The point is, if you still want to enjoy art made by the physiologically damaged then read my book - The Embarrassing Memory Murderer, it’s all about all the psychological damage I have suffered through – available in various places online including here:

Amazon -The-Embarrassing-Memory-Murderer

Barnes and Noble - The Embarrassing Memory Murderer

Discussion points

1.     Having read this are you still pro-choice?

2.     Is using such a hot button debate point to ultimately try and sell my book awesome or what?

3.     Should I have been aborted?

4.     'Silence is golden... I swear!!!! You must believe me, please!'

5.     Was this screamed by

a.     A deranged gold miner, frustrated by all the screaming he can’t stop doing?

b.     The Goose that laid the golden egg trying not to be snatched? Or

c.      A gold necklace being tortured over where she's hiding her kids, knowing that if they are found they will be melted into bricks?

6.     The answer is C. and those kids were found and melted, and she was forced to watch.

7.     Oh my god, who thought an abortion blog could end so sad?

8.     At least you probably didn’t pee your pants today.

Tree facts

The phrase 'money doesn't grow on trees' will have a whole different meaning if all the trees die - because we'll all be busy fighting off relentless bird attacks.... The phrase 'a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush' on the other hand... I mean seriously, shut the fuck up, we're all about to suffocate to death

A lazy bit of comedy history for you

Commedia dell ‘Arte, or Comedy of the artist, was a form of improvised theatre from Italy popular in the Middle Ages, and surprisingly to me, as someone who has studied comedy and improvisation extensively over the past few years, not well known by people today.

As a part of carnival festivities, Commedia Dell ‘Arte was an escape from the drudgery of the type of lives the poor and underclasses eeked out, and a break from the oppression of the ruling class. It was an opportunity for people to make fun of both themselves and the rich and the royal, to blow off steam, and not take life too seriously.

Actors who performed in Commedia Dell ‘Arte would choose one of a series of stock characters, with very specific masks and costumes, routines and mannerisms, that were well known to the people of the day, as was the game, or unusual funny thing about them, which could be repeated over and over. Some of the characteristics included the quick-bodied dumb man, the dirty old man, the bad tempered hunch back, the dandy, and the vocal know it all who actually knows nothing, and are character traits which have survived all the way to today, and still form the basis behind much of the comedy produced in modern times, and everything in-between including harlequins, clowns, and vaudeville.

These characters were much like modern sitcoms characters, where people who tune in know certain behavioral attributes each character will have, which new story lines are filtered through each week, such as Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory will always respond to people in a social retarded yet ridiculously intelligent way, or Joey from friends who is always eating and saying dumb things. And I believe the sitcom Arrested Development was specifically created and designed to include one of each of the archetypal comedic characters that are popular today and seem to have developed from these original archetypes from the middle ages.

Much like the modern sitcom Commedia Dell ‘Arte would follow familiar patterns often through stock plots, and lazzies, or rehearsed comedic routines, only with improvised dialogue to allow them to remain fresh, and unique to each individual performance.

Performers would play one character often for their entire lives, so it was seemingly a craft that could always be improved upon yet never mastered. The performers were not well respected in their time, but whoever created these stock characters surely most be among the most important artists in comedy history.

Togetherness

You're either with me... or against me ... Or you don't know who I am... But if you did you'd be with me... Or against me... Unless your opinion of me was ambiguous.... In which case I'd consider you against me.. Unless I feel you'd be with me if only you knew me better... And yet why haven't you tried to get to get know me better... Unless you're against me... Or shy... Or shyly unwilling to admit you don't know what you feel... In which case aren't you actually just for yourself?... Why haven't you at least thought about what you feel for me?... Are you that selfish? I mean that little to you?... Have you simply not even considered whether you're with me or against me?... What kind of person are you?... Probably someone who'd be with me if you knew me... Right?... Please? ... Seriously????... I'd be with you if I could be!!!... Well fuck you!!! You wanted to be against me from the get go didn't you?... You motherfucker!!!! I don't want your type with me anyway!!!... Unless you'd actually be with me if you knew me... Which is probably the truth... So get to know me you cunts... I'm a good guy... At least to people with me

Fuck you Beck Bennett

Under pants

'Oh, because they go under your pants'

And with that mere thought came the crushing and heartbreaking moment a long and arduous expedition into attempting to write a 'why do they call them 'under' pants' joke officially failed.

It was a long and fanciful journey before I hit this final insurmountable obstacle, the ultimate unclimbable wall, truth, and while tears were defendable, earned even, It'd be criminal of me to casually dismiss and discard the undeniably wonderful high points warmly enjoyed before the failure had been reached or even contemplated, and you better believe there were highs, awesome peaks of wonder such as:

- You don't try and 'under'stand them
- I've never been 'under'whelmed by them and
- 'under' a moonlit sky if I mis'under'stand a potential threat and shit my pants I don't 'under'appreciate them

But there were the lows too, obviously , painful lows that I struggled to carry on from, rage filled lows, such as:

- staring at a pile or dirty laundry trying to get inspiration
- two days going commando in uncomfortable jeans experiencing life without them
- being whipped by a nun for going to confession and asking the priest what kind of underpants he wore, and of course the worst,
- trying to see if there really is truth behind every joke by shitting my pants and checking my appreciation level. It was only medium and medium gives me NOTHING.

And then the final death. Oh, because you wear them 'under' your pants' - damn you!!!!!! The dream is dead.

Maybe next time, when recovered from this physical ordeal and mended my mental anguish, well into the future from now of course, i'll try and figure out a joke on the topic of 'what would be a good super power?'

Oh wait - Super Jealousy! Because you'd get to use it ALL THE TIME!

Damn it - I mean it's genius obviously, its so deliciously ironically optimistic, as all brilliant jokes should be, but where was the journey, the ups and downs, the lows and highs - I arrived straight at the summit, and the satisfaction in that is only medium - MEDIUM!!!!

Strange things which are undeniably true

Coming to a fork in the road isn't that scary - those four different options are all parallel - but come to a spoon in the road and you're fucked - especially if it's full of hot soup - because that probably means a soup truck has tipped over - and helping the driver could possibly delay you

A fortnight probably feels like a lifetime to a two week old baby - unless it was born in America - in which case it probably doesn't know what a fortnight is - but an 'every other week' probably feels like a frustratingly vague lifetime to it

A fist full of soil is a silly place to plant a rose bush - unless you really, really want to give a girl a rose - and she is really, really patient - and she really, really likes guys who make fists for really, really long amounts of time - although if you ask me this girl sounds a bit nuts

Wow, the world sure is a strange place, and full of strange things which are undeniably true, plus who built a fucking spoon in the road???? AAAGGHHHH