The Best Day Of My Life Initiative – men of manliness

 Hello everybody, and even everybody’s eyes, which I am told is the body part most people use to read this blog most of the times they read it, oh sure some people will tell you that the eyes are nothing without the brain to decipher all that light and color and that therefore the brain is the real hero, not the eyes. But here is what I have to say to that – my brain is the very same head based organ of mine most likely to conjure up images of things that remind me of the grass that I used to eat my lunch on at school on days where it was sunny enough to be outside, and also I had already read the newspapers in the library so I didn’t have that to do instead, and I felt like risking the mocking cries of the mocking birds which turned out not to be mocking birds mocking kookaburras, but rather just kookaburras, which when laugh are often warning their fellow birds that rain might be coming, making me feel irritated at myself for already reading all the papers, because now I won’t have anything to do if it rains, so fuck you mocking birds, and therefore fuck you my brain, I am not giving you this win – the eyes are the fucking heroes this time, ok? And if you don’t like it I’ll scratch the itchy part of my ear canal with a straightened out paper clip and accidentally scratch to deep again, ok? Motherfucker! You’re ass is mine. Oh and also hello to everybody’s bodies. Ha ha, that’s a fun play on words. I could have had fun riffing on that, had I not been sidetracked talking about the brain, my brain of course being the very thing that chose the sidetrack, fuck you brain, I am not kidding, I have a paperclip!

Also – today was the best day of my life initiative! And I will tell you why – because all day today I had two Band-Aids on my right hand’s middle finger, one bright blue, and one hot pink and both with pictures of kittens on them! And this fact allowed me to finally admit to myself that I am a real man.

Now I am not talking about being a real man in the sense that I reject traditional masculinity and therefore claim some false sense of grasp of some mythical true masculinity. That’s not what happened today, or ever in my life, at all. I chose these particular Band-Aids because blue and pink is a really pretty color combination, and kittens are the sweetest most adorable things in the world, and I don’t love these things ironically in the slightest, I love them because they make me go all cutey and giddy, and make me talk in fun little voices, and hug pillows and small stuffed animals, and frankly I don’t give a crap that these loves of mine make me less manly in the traditional sense, and therefore I deserve all the love and admiration that I pretend I get in my brain, for genuinely having that warm bulbous part of my heart engorged to the extent of being almost not human, super human you might say, and I am fine with you saying things like that about me, sure it makes me blush, and get shy and show obvious signs of modesty – but don’t let my humility and unpretentiousness hold you back – praise me, really it’s ok, I deserve it, so fuck me for not being willing to show pride, that’s my problem.

No, that is not where today’s manliness comes into the equation – today I am talking in the traditional sense – where a man does a man’s day of work and cops a man’s work style man injuries (or women) because these injuries happen at their man jobs. Yep, I did throw in those words (or women) specifically to try and seem like this paragraph has not even a hint of sexism, and I did that brilliantly. And yep, the reason I had to wear Band-Aids all day was from a work related injury. Yep, I was digging around in my backpack, looking for a writing related object, and stabbed myself in the finger with the end of a mechanical pacer pencil, and a good 1/6^th  or 1/8^th of an inch of pencil led got stuck under the skin.

Yep, they told me that attempting to make a life doing fruity arty stuff was not manly, which makes no sense, because I don’t even like fruit, but just like those hard ass men working on construction sites, and as lumberjacks, and deep within wood mining mines, and the guys who work in the woods carving tables and bookcases and sailing boats out of trees – I too have had a day pretty much ruined by the incomprehensible discomfort of a work related splinter. And now, like my fellow splinter suffering hard working men I will complain a little, pussy out of some jobs (or women) (wow that’s powerful using that device, you can make pretty much anything seem not sexist – wait I want to try it again to test this out – most men suffering with menstrual cramps, or swollen boobie related discomfort are regularly seen at the dog track (or women) and that’s ok. Wow, it’s flawless) and avoid all things that might possibly require the use of my right hand and its fingers, like physical labor, or holding my pee pee while I pee so the pee pee can be guided towards the pee pee hole without excessive missing, or even leaving the house, because the front door is made of wood, and who could risk a double splinter, not me – so I will wait until this splinter is gone. I am a man, oh yeah I am – a traditional man.

Oh and before you ask, yes, I have tried getting it out with tweezers, but it hurts too much and I give in to the pain before I get even close to getting it out, so yep it’s going to be at least one more day with this splinter for me – and my days of manliness shall therefore continue. 

The Best Day Of My Life Initiative – Eight stranded scoundrels

 Hello everybody, how are you? I am going to get straight damn down tooting into it tonight – get this - today was the best day of my life! And you know why? Because it wasn’t the best day of my life - Ooooohhhh, oxymoronical, that’s awesome.

You know, it’s kind of like if you get stabbed, or should I say when you get stabbed, wait, no the first one was more positive right?

When you get stabbed it hurts, I assume, but it comes with benefits too, like you get to see what your insides look like – pretty gross I assume, maybe so gross that you pass out, or maybe you’ve already passed out from the pain or loss of blood, the point is you have options, and those are a form of investment, sort of like a share, although I never really understood exactly what they were, and I have an economics degree and worked for stock brokers for years, which I think just goes to prove that if you get stabbed you can learn valuable lessons like that even those who appear to be experts sometimes don’t know as much as you’d think.

I was thinking about this very fact earlier today, that no one really ever knows exactly what they are doing do they? Well maybe sometimes, but quite often not. The key is to pretend, like landscape gardeners who find a society of a rare bugs living under a statue of a small Italian boy, and are not exactly sure what to do about it, I mean is it wrong to pick up the statue of a small boy? So they call the Vatican to ask for advice, and it turns out the …..

We interrupt this post because I really don’t want to finish this analogy, it’s not where I thought it was going to go, it is no longer flawlessly illustrating the point I was hoping to make, and frankly, like much of what I have been working on today, in both my professional life, personal life, and mathematical life has left me with feelings of frustration and malaise. That’s a real word right? Malaise? Sounds like a food, but I don’t think it is.

See this is what happens when I DON’T wait until super stupid late into the night to write these – well I have learned my lesson, it is not bed time quite yet, but it is also not quite blogging time – I shall instead disappear for an hour or so, and actually relax and decompress for a while – oh fuck, I haven’t done that in days – I’ll come back soon…

Alright, I am back, and I feel pretty bloody good. Yep a little rest and relaxation is what I needed. The old R and the other one, R I think. In fact I now feel so good I think I could even nail an analogy without resorting to routine comedy premises, or underpants humor – ok here goes – today was the best day of my life, because although I faced some trials and annoyances, I didn’t let them beat me, and with a little positive energy that I chose fling at the problem, stimulated by my new mantra of making every day the best day of my life, I came out the other side quicker, cleaner and less slippery than even when I entered – it’s like…. Wait I can do this… um, slippery, entered, came, other side, stimulation, I’m getting the odd idea… wait I’ve got it! – It’s like when you throw a drenched pair of pants at a rambunctious mule, and when he catches them with his invisible magic horns and turns them into a rainbow of heroin filled water balloons, you can’t help but think about drawings of sheltered scoundrels of some sort (boom, snuck the title in at the last minute) perhaps even eight of them, as they evaporate into a collaborated furnishing finisher. Now THAT’S how you nail an analogy! Precise, clean, obvious and Ooooohhhh, oxymoronical, that’s awesome.

The Best Day Of My Life Initiative – Seven day weeks

Hello, hello, hello – well this is certainly exciting – and by ‘this’ I mean THIS, as in right now, what we are doing, which is something different for all of us, for the most part - especially those of you who spend most of their time contemplating the complete saturation of complex machinery trusted with filling gum machines in a philosophical and metaphysical, and possible even obstictypical way, which I began to write with the intent to mock, but now find myself desperately wanting to know more. How long have you been doing this? Really, MOST of your time? Does contemplation ever lead to actual action? Why do I have this entire section within parentheses, aren’t they supposed to mostly be used to indicate a minor point, possibly a degree a two away from the main topic of discussion? Who the hell am I to define, or even discuss the intention and dare I say it ‘rules’ of punctuation? Do you think anyone will Google, or even look up in a dictionary, the word ‘obstictypical’ to see if it’s a real thing? Why am I still exploring this sidetrack? Because I want to, that’s why! Wait, now I am answering these questions myself? Because if I can do that, why did I wait for that particular question to begin the answer part of the session? Anyway I might go finish the thought I meant to make a long way above this, cya!) (Wait, don’t go, I meant ‘cya’ as a message and friendly sign off to that line of thought, not to you the readers).

But I mean ‘this’ as in now, right now, this second, where we’ve all found ourselves at the same place at the same time, only at very different times, especially when you take into account not just where and when we are in the physical reality of the present, but also where we have been, and gone, and explored, before finding ourselves right here right now, at this exact moment, to be reading this blog (you) or writing this blog (me). Wait, unless you are writing this blog too! Wow, imagine if you are? Then what am I doing? What are any of us doing really?

Hang on, hang on – this new blog direction I am going on here in this blog, and by ‘this’ I mean the greater blog, or the royal blog, you know, the entire blog, rather than this specific edition, or example, or specific post of this blog, which makes me think about the fact that all we know right now, in this moment, is all that we know to be present. As in, while you read this blog, perhaps you are at a desk, or on public transport, or even reading this six hundred years from when I wrote this, having found it burnt in giant letter across a canola field, and yes I chose 600 years very, very specifically, it is not some rounded up or down or out number, it is a very intentional and precise number, as is the fact that I chose a canola field, I’m just saying that I know some things people, by which I mean I have predicted some stuff, stuff, given the seriousness of it, that should probably be discussed at a whole different time, and possibly completely different forum. I just can’t even begin to start with it here and now.

Ok fine, I will start – here are some predictions:

1.     In 600 years exactly there will still be humans.

2.     In 600 years exactly these humans will still consume products made out of canola.

3.     In 600 years humans will still occasionally discover stuff.

4.     Like the fact that occasionally other humans will waste a hell of a lot of time burning random ancient and obscure writings in fields of crops.

5.     Just out of boredom basically.

6.     Yes, I am serious, this is very serious, can you believe that in exactly 600 years some humans will not have all their time occupied at all times with relatable entertainment options, work responsibilities, and home life? Wow, such a different time from now, it really makes you think doesn’t it?

The point is that this is not the blog, the time, or the place to philosophize. It’s not about theory, or even relativity, this blog has only one intention or goal – to point out, and explain why, today was the best day of my entire life initiative!

So yeah, that’s all I have time for really, I got a little side tracked for a little while, but I am glad I found my way all the way back to the proper starting point. If I had a little more time I might even expand on where the starting point intended to get me. You know, why today was the best day of my entire life initiative.

Ok fine. I will just a little. Today was the best day of my life because that’s how I have decided to view it at the end of the day, and as much as possible during the day, and that’s exactly what I have done today, so it’s been a rampaging success.

And I have been up to this for a whole week now! It’s pretty damn sweet. Wait a minute, now that I read this back I never opened the parenthesise I so eloquently discussed at the top at all, I merely closed them. And so here it is, yet another reason why today was the best day of my life initiative – I can fix my mistakes anyway I damn well please.

(

Wow, now THAT felt good.

Ps. ‘that’ is a very close cousin of ‘this’ – sometimes it’s nice when family gets togather.

Pps – can Finnish people every finish anything without being mocked?

The Best day of My Life Initiative – Six and out

Hello everybody, fans, well wishes, innocent bystanders, guilty opportunists, shifty eyed psychopaths and people currently reading this. It is really fucking late, that means it’s the exciting time to once again play the exciting game that has me all excited – why the fuck didn’t I get around to doing this earlier, I need to go to sleep.

Now, I know what you’re thinking – ‘Dave, despite the fact you just used the word “exciting”, or a word very, very similar (for the sticklers) three times in one sentence, for some reason I am getting an unhappy or possibly even negative vibe from you’ – well, here is what I have to say to that – you’re WRONG. I don’t have ANY vibe going on right now, I am vibe free, still as a lake that a dead bird fell in long enough ago so that the ripples are no longer visible the naked human eye, neither shaken nor stirred nor prodded with a straw hoping it will make the ice melt faster, tightly held in a tight clasp of loosely hanging stildom. I am vibe free, unencumbered, unadulterated and unqualified, and even if I did have a vibe, and I don’t, that vibe would be far from negative. It would be a sweet, nectar oozing positive vibe, if I had a vibe that is, and I don’t. I am vibe free, unmoving, unthawed and ununmotionless, and I am stationary like this in a super positive happy way, and I will tell you why – because today was the best day of my life.

I began filming a web series today, which is super cool. I like co-wrote it, and I am co-starring in it, and I think it’s going to be co-awesome. I mean how could it not be? It is a web series, and webs are sticky, and pretty, and delicious and it is also a series, which are ongoing, in a row, and delicious, and this thing we are doing has both of those. It’s like a fun exciting adventure, and that’s now the fourth time I have used that word, or a word very, very, very similar (for the sticklers). I reckon if I used it perhaps somewhere between one and three more times, discounting the options one more and three more, and then quit using that word right there and then, perhaps adopting a method often seen in old movies where a form of radio transmitter is being used requiring you to say the word ‘out’ after you say each sentence, or else your pets just stay in the room contributing nothing, then I could probably get away with that amount of using that word tying nicely to the title I currently have sitting as a working title for this blog, and I won’t even have to bring up the fact that I watched some cricket today also, which will save me explaining how the words ‘six and out’ refer to a rule often implemented in backyard cricket to discourage people hitting the ball into other people’s backyards, swimming pools, and piranha ponds, and if I could avoid having to write that I think I would find it exciting.

Wow, I am excited now, I wonder if or how I will find a sixth opportunity to use that word, or a word very, very, very, very similar (for the sticklers).

Oh I also think I got a little sunburned today, which is cool, because it means I went outside, and I don’t think I get to say that everyday. So that’s three awesome things in one day – started filming my web series, got sunburned, and you know the other one. Three enjoyable, excit…. Woah NOPE, don’t fuck it up now Dave, unforgettable adventures. Living each day as the best day of your life sure is ex..tremely fun.

The Best day of my life initiative – five and dime

Welcome to the best day of my life initiative, the blog I write really late at night after promising myself I would do anything today, literally anything – eat a crocodile tooth that prior to my chewing was still deeply rooted in its owners gums, tattoo ‘I love being spat on by strangers’ on my face, corner an office worker and refuse to let them leave until they had given me every secret possible on how to get hired in an entry level data entry internship, I’m talking literally any stupid thing I could imagine, even some things not evolving any entry or exit of anything, well known to be the corner stones of stupid activities, what I am getting at is that I would do absolutely anything whatsoever to avoid writing this blog once again super late at night, and yet somehow I end up only eating crocodile teeth that were only shallowly rooted in the crocodiles mouth, illicit my face getting spat on with smoke signals and bus stop billboards, and end up getting paid shitloads of money for all the entry level data entry I do, and then somehow end up  writing this super late again. So late in fact that I barely even have time to dick around with nonsense at the top, and time and time again need to run straight to proving that today was indeed the best day of my life.

Like right now I have zero time to dick around, I’d love to just muck about, riffing on whatever comes to my head, whether relevant to how cool, complete, and complication free my awesome day was, or not. I could write about all sorts of things if given the time. Like for example prison riots, I could probably discuss them at length, perhaps break them down into type, location, motivation, goals, mission statements, ring leader types, outcomes and results, and all in all manner of specific detail, to the point where prison riots were finally completely understood to levels allowing them to be predicted, minimized and occasionally even completely avoided. I could dick about talking about something like for literally ten or twelve minutes, even if prison riots had very little to do with the day I had just enjoyed, like today for example where my experiences with prison riots was limited to a small scuffle over at Belzion Maximum Security over who’s turn it was to stir the home made clam chowder.

But I don’t have time for that type of activity, no way. All I have time for is to remain focused and on point, and simply explain my day, and why it was the best of my life, inspire the shit out of a few of my readers, but with direct language, uninterrupted flow, and precision accuracy, with no going off on tangents, or employing any form of experimentation, or getting sideswiped with back track detours. It’s just too late, I need to focus, get this done quickly, but interestingly and obviously not skimping on any of the quality.

Ok fine, I get it, you want me to at least flirt with something away from the cold hard facts. Ok, um – have you ever wondered why most basketball hoops aren’t made out wood? No? Me neither!!

Ok, awesome, that was totally worth the diversion. So like I was saying, today was the best day of my life. It was really, really fun. I slept in a bit, I ate some food, and this evening I went to a place that I didn’t think would be good, in a part of town I don’t tend to desire visiting, mostly with people I don’t know cozily, and I had a really good time. There is a lesson in there somewhere, possibly about not focusing on what you expect and instead just enjoy what actually happens in reality. No. Um, good times don’t necessarily have to come from reliable sources. Nah. Um, well, ok I think I got it – save some time, and money (ding – the title of this blog comes good) and that’ll probably feel good. Yep, nailed it.

Alright I need to have a quick snack then hit the sack, hmmm, maybe this time I’ll try a deeply gum rooted alligator tooth!