A weeping ha of guilt

Alright I get it, today is the best day of my life, but it can't possibly be for everyone, and that's a crying shame.  

And it's a crying that it's a crying shame, but screw that, I'm a little bored with shame coming in a crying variety, I'm ready for a whole new brand of shame. A cankerous shame? An undermining shame? A salvational shame perhaps? Maybe a shame aura? No no no, wait, I've got it a maniacal shame! 

Yes, YES, YYYEEEESS!! That's the type of shame I could really salivate over WOO HA HA. 

I mean I do love a good crying shame still, don't get me wrong about that, in fact it's one of my favorite motivations for crying. Way better than mourning, or being badly injured or acting like a little girl you pussy you're a grown man for fuck sake, shut up Kevin I'm allowed to be upset I was enjoying that bag of peanuts. 

I'm not looking to limit shame, but rather expand it, and especially the available highly emotional varieties of it, because let's face it, people don't feel shame anywhere near as often as they used to, and I think maniacal shame could really get some conversations started. 

Consider this: 

'Why are you l laughing manically?'

'I hit a parked car and didn't leave a note'

'What? That's awful!'

'Woo ha ha, I know, I'm utterly disgusted with myself'. 

Wow, isn't that intriguing? Don't you want to know more? Don't you have questions you'd like answered? 

This could really take off, and shame could really get back to the forefront of our daily emotional spectrums where it belongs. 

Here are some easy fun tips to get started with feeling maniacal shame: 

- Steal something that really matters to someone you really care about, and find it both awful and hilariously evil. 

- Mug a bride for her flowers, and when she cries 'WHY?' Say 'to distribute to hospital patients' but then sell them instead, but give the money to soup kitchen, and then put a hair in one of the bowls of soup. 

- Own a Maserati  

The finest buoyancy of experience

I'll tell you the great thing about having four blocks of wood, start three fires and you've still got a block of wood!

That's something you just can't say about having three blocks of wood.

I don't have any blocks of wood today but it's still the best day of my life, and this makes me think of the following truths:

- I feel like eating fried rice.

- I hope the about fourteen year old kid on this train with a cigarette behind his ear who can't say anything without it being both moronic and extremely loud gets his head bitten off by a freak sized hawk.

- Then the hawk can eat that screaming baby.

- I think the fact that I choose that particular order for the Hawk’s eating is a sign I'm maturing.

- Oh fuck, now there's a kid about 10 years old making hawk noises.

- He’s sitting eight rows behind me; no way he can see what I'm writing.

- Can he read my mind?

- Or did my thoughts just start turning him into a freak-sized hawk?

- Holy fuck, if that dickheads head or that baby get eaten in the next couple of minutes it'll mean I'm all-powerful!

- Oh crap now the kid is making horse noises. Boo, horses NEVER eat humans.

- Damn it, who's in control here?

- If I still am then what could I possible want the horse for?

- I don't think the baby, nor the dumbass, are made of hay.

- Damn it.

- Plus all these animal noises the kid’s making are now giving me the shits, and even if he turns back to a hawk I doubt he's going to eat his own head off.

- Hey why not be positive, Dave? If I can turn a kid into a hawk maybe I can turn a kid into a hawk that eats its own head.

- Damn right!

- That’s optimism mother fucker.

- I need to buy straws on the way home.

The lesson is, if I had four blocks of wood I could throw one at each of these three noisy assholes and still have a block of wood!

You can't say THAT with three blocks of wood.

Lightly sparkling brilliance

Today is the best day of my life, because I was just buying a bottle of lightly sparkling water! I know, awesome story right? It's got everything you need to make a story great. 

- intrigue. Where did I buy it? How much did it cost? Did I buy it to quench my thirst? To add spark to my my next water-pistol war? To bless into holy water to pour on the graves of my recently slaughtered enemies? To spray after my next win in a formula one motor vehicle race so as to stop the waste of champagne? To quench someone else's thirst? Where did I buy it? The intrigue is endless. 

- Characters. Me? Possibly even someone else? Unless I bought it from a vending machine, but even then I may have had to wait in line, or ask someone to break a five? But what type of person would I choose to ask? The number of potential characters, and therefore personalities involved are endless. 

- Time pressure. I 'just' bought it. Why now? Why not 24 minutes ago? Why not an hour from now? The time frame this story could unfold in is riveting. 

So good story? Hell Yeah it's a good story. 

But it gets even better. The bottle I got has a fancy floral design and a lady saw me buy it and said. 

'What's that'? And I replied 'Lightly sparkling water' and then she immediately went and bought one too. 

It's taking off people. This could spread around the world. Who knows how far and to how many people this could spread to. The Queen of England? The president of the United States? The dude with the sourpuss face sitting with the lady who copied me? Wow! 

Can't wait to hear all your stories as it hits your part of the world. Have a great day everyone! Now I'm off to drink my lightly sparkling water. But how? From the bottle? With a straw? By osmosis? This story can't stop getting better! 

Clear and convenient

Today was the best day of my life, even though I didn’t do a single thing for the fourth time today. I did several things for the third time, two things for the sixth time, and one thing for the first time, which was a little on the nose if you ask me. Question’s being something I only permit twice per visit per friend, so did you really want to ask that?

Now I know what you’re thinking – you have a few questions, and I am happy to answer any and all questions with clear and honest answers.

Q - Why does it matter if you did something for the fourth time?

A - It doesn’t matter. I never said that it did. I merely said that I didn’t do anything for the fourth time today. In fact I have now said that twice.

Q – If it doesn’t matter then why raise it at all, let alone twice?

A – I also said I only answer two questions per friend per visit and one of them was about whether that other thing was on the nose. I never told you to waste your questions.

Q – If that was one of my questions then why wasn’t it broken up into a convenient and clear Q&A format?

A – I’m sorry, that’s another question, and I can’t answer more than two questions per friend per visit.

Q – Well you should have put the first question in a clear and convenient Q&A format!

A – Awesome, that was framed as a statement not a question, good for you, but unfortunately it was put right after a Q, within my clear and convenient Q&A format, you really should save your statements for a statement section.

Q – But you just made a statement, and you’re in the convenient and clear Q&A format too!

A – Ahh but you can make statements in the answer section. In fact to answer a question with a question would make a mockery of the clear and convenient Q&A format.

Q – Ahhh HAH! You answered another question!

A – No I didn’t, yours was a statement, not a question.

Q – But it was after a Q, in the convenient and clear Q&A format.

A – Oh fuck.

Q – You did it again.

A – Oh shit, you’re right. That’s the fourth time I’ve been tricked today. Wait a minute – I did something for the forth time. Yaaayy.

Q – It doesn’t count if it’s in the convenient and clear Q&A format.

A – Oh fuck you, you stickler for rules. Stop being a dick.

The awesomest day of my life - steady as she goes

Notes from the best day of my life and especially the parts of it that took place on a train. 

- I'm on a train right now. As I write this that is. I'd hate for someone to read this in 92 years and think I was currently on a train then. Not that I promise not to be on a train then. I could be if I wanted. I'm just not sure what I'm doing that day yet. I'm sorry but I only plan my days in 40 year chunks. I find to do otherwise can take some of the spontaneity out of your life, and I'm just not going to do that. I've got 27 years left of '5 hours of daily rollerblading' to get through to take up my time. Who knew those wouldn't last? 

- there's a lady talking ridiculously loud and rudely on her phone to someone. 

- Actually I assume she's not actually on the phone to anyone, but rather yelling at someone sitting in the bottom of a pool three miles away. 

- 'just man up and don't read anything'. That's direct quote from her. Now I want her dead. 

- oh it turns out she is talking about her charity work with kids with autism. 

- well I knew that before I slammed her, but I didn't think anyone would take my side if you knew in advance I was the asshole. 

- For the record I have lots of empathy for autistic people. Loads. 

- and that's tough because many of them have zero ability to feel empathy, so as soon as I empathetically start to feel their pain the empathy immediately goes and then I get stuck in a vortex where I don't know what is going on. 

- Oh fuck, I'm not making fun of autism, I'm really not. I just wanted her to talk at perhaps a human volume. 

- oh shit, is that a symptom of Autism? Is she not just a warrior for the cause but also a victim? 

- oh cumbucket, if that's not one of the symptoms then it'll sound like I was being mocking of the autistic for asking. 

- I have to stop talking about this. 

- why does everything I say now seem very easy to twist so it feels like a joke at the expensive of autism?

- That's NOT my intent, desire or goal I swear.

- Or is no one thinking that about me at all?

- Am I just being paranoid?

- Oh fuck is paranoia a sign of autism? 

- Just stop fucking talking about it Dave. 

- yes I know that I could just delete all these words and write about something else but I'm nearly at my destination and if I start over I might not be able to say these are things that took place during my train trip. 

- she's off the phone now so it may be alright. 

- ok, for the record when I started this I was going to point out that the train was going really slow and then I was going to say 'you can cut the tension with a knife, everyone on this train is thinking the same thing - someone will soon get a call and inevitably say on the phone "yeah, we're going at snails pace" then we'll all laugh at this observation which is humorous because of the delicately well applied use of exaggeration, given that the train, while going slow by its own standards, is still progressing comfortably swifter than the pace a regular snail may go, but we all picture the train actually going that slow, as crazy as it sounds, or even crazier we can imagine a snail going as fast as this train - but who's going to get the phone call allowing them the chance to make this hilarious quip first'?

- That's why I was listening into phone calls. Because I didn't want to tell that story unless I heard someone actually say 'we're going at snails pace'.

- Thats until this lady started talking so loud no one could hear anything but her. 

- the closest I'd heard to the snail line was 'I'll tell you this, the Hare better be worried, because we're going so slow that we're gonna steadily kick its ass'. 

- which was actually kind of clever. 

- So I'm going to take credit for it, because I made it up and I don't like the idea of my quip being credited to a fantasy commuter. 

- I'm pathetic.

- Which I think definitely is NOT a sign of autism. 

- phew. 

The Best Day of my life festivity – True Friends

 Hello everyone, today was the best day of my life. I had play rehearsal, I ate delicious food, I went for a walk by the water, oh it was my birthday, I watched some TV. You know, the usg (fun abbreviation for ‘usual’). But while normally I talk about why the day was the best of my life without any tangents, or distractions, today will be no different, because I don’t think enough people spend enough time thinking about how tough it would be to have someone spit lava at them, and frankly I say ENOUGH!

It wouldn’t be fun ok.

Sure it seems like fun, there is a volcano there probably, it’s most likely erupting, or someone has dug a really, really, really deep hole in it to get to the lava, which probably means they have some awesome type of digging device, like a shovel made of awesomenessous, or possibly tin, which is a metal people don’t talk about enough is you ask me but why? What are they trying to hide? Awesomenessous ability to dig? Yeah, you fuckers, I’m onto you.

So yeah, it seems like fun, but it’s not. Want proof? Well check out this list of things that seem like they would be fun:

-       Going to a movie.

-       Playing touch football.

-       Eating ice-cream.

-       Holding hands.

Want more proof? Well check out this list of things I forgot to tell you about that list above:

-       It’s not a good movie.

-       Someone is gonna take it too seriously in an annoying way.

-       It’s not your favorite flavor, your third favorite at best.

-       They need to trim their nails!

Still think having someone spit lava at you would be fun? Well check out this list of things that mean it may not be:

-       There is bound to be some saliva mixed in with the lava.

-       Spitting on people isn’t nice.

-       Lava is sometimes hotter than it looks, and it looks pretty damn hot.

-       If they’re doing something that’s not nice, maybe they aren’t your real friend, and therefore maybe this fun adventure to the volcano isn’t as cool as you’d hoped because you’re not sharing it with a true friend.

-       If they’re not getting burned in the mouth by the lava they are probably some form of devil, or space robot alien, or good at special effects and practical jokes.

-       Maybe after this you have to fill in the hole, and tin shovels are crap for filling stuff in.

-       If they are getting burned in the mouth by the lava, they are probably going to bags all the ice-cream.

Thanks for all the birthday wishes everyone. If I take you on a trip to a volcano with you now, I promise that I won’t spit lava at you. That means we are officially true friends. Awww.