The Best day ever prophesy – possibly impossibly possible

I have a question for you all:

When you guys are reading two books at the exact same time, one with your left eye and one with your right eye, how do you choose which books to read?

- Do you go for contrast and variety?

- Do you choose one to engage the left side of the brain and one the right?

- Or do you pick two books that compliment each other?

Now I know what you're thinking:

Wow, seriously Dave, you read two books at the exact same time! You're phenomenal!

And in reply, shucks, those are awesome things to say to me. I really appreciate your thought process. Many people would have questioned me over my above questions. Perhaps asked if I was being literal. Maybe tried out reading two books at the exact same time, one with your left eye and one with your right eye to see if you could do it. Maybe looked up on the Internet ‘world’s most incredible people’ and seen how many times my name cropped up. But you guys went right for impressed belief. And I love you guys for it.

Sure it makes you look a tad dumb in the brain, seeing as I don't literally do that, and I was actually speaking metaphorically as a way to talk about the horrific situation developing in the stray hairs found on most bathroom floors, but the point has now become that you think I'm phenomenal? Wow, thanks, that's awesome!

Today was the best day of my life, I saw a movie, I did a podcast, I went to the gym, I ate some delicious food, and I got called phenomenal. It doesn’t get better than this.

The supreme day of my life scheme – Screaming foxpen relateability

I like to think that if my best friend weren’t a banana then I would spend way less time than I currently do screaming:

‘I already told you; there aren't any monkeys in the apartment. There are NONE. Ok? I fucking looked, I set traps, I asked around, and also THERE NEVER HAVE BEEN ANY FUCKING MONKEYS IN THE APARTMENT! OK? So, please can we just get through one fucking movie without you hitting pause and saying “what was that, is there a monkey in the apartment?” or “holy shit, I heard something, there better not be a monkey in this apartment” or “why is that door open, you’d tell me if there was a monkey in the apartment wouldn’t you?” Can we please, OK? There are no monkeys here, zero. This is a monkey free apartment. I am a hundred percent positive there are no monkeys here. If there were monkeys here I would say “hey, check it out, monkey”, but I haven’t fucking said that have I? Have I even said anything even slightly like that? No, I fucking haven’t! So stop fucking hyperventilating, stop twitching like a duckling in a foxpen, and just watch the movie, Ok? And for the record, there aren’t any monkeys here because you are my friend. And friends don’t invite over other friends who enjoying eating their friends. Or do you somehow think, that after all this time we’ve been friends, that I wasn’t actually your friend, and would fucking fuck you over and invite a fucking monkey to visit? Ok? I’m putting in the fucking movie. And before you even goddamn fucking think of asking, no there are no god damn fucking monkeys in the movie, and even if there were, even if there was MORE THAN one fucking monkey in the fucking movie, like I said when we watched the first thirteen minutes of Hangover 2 before I had to physically wrestle you out of your fucking panic attack MONKEYS CANNOT FUCKING EAT YOU THROUGH THE SCREEN! OK?’

Which, of course, I would be fine with. But then again, if my best friend were a banana I’d probably spend way MORE time than I currently do screaming:

‘So giving me the silent treatment again you passive aggressive cunt’.

Which, of course, I would not be fine with.

Today was the best day of my life, even though it was a little like having a banana as a best friend. I thought someone had done something bad to me, and then it turns out they almost certainly didn’t, and are actually possibly a really good person.

Well ok, it’s not exactly like having a banana as a best friend, it’s more like being a banana and being best friends with a human, but I didn’t want to put it that way, because my best friend, this pair of broken sunglasses with one of the panes of glass missing and the other slightly cracked just screamed at me ‘didn’t I tell you last time that people wouldn’t understand you being a banana who is friends with a human, well it didn’t work fucking out did it? So just tell em’ something perfectly relatable, like you’re friends with a fucking banana, ok?’

Sometimes you have to listen to your friends.

The Best day ever of my existence experience - raspberry tar magic

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Hello everybody, all the people, all the folks, all the lads, all the sheilas, all the grifters, all the charlatans, all the anthropologists, all the drifters, all the harlequins, all the lifters and even all the tar-eatin-teens, actually pretty much everyone that’s reading this if I am honest. Today was the best day of my life.

I had what some would call an out of body experience today, only it was nothing like an out of body experience because as far as I know my body went everywhere I went, and in fact if I had finally mastered the art of exiting my body and going for an explore why would I stay around and look at my own body?

I mean I have seen that before damn it, many times. Almost every time I look in the mirror the person looking back at me is me. Sometimes more than one me, if there is another mirror behind me and I can see that mirror at an angle which allows me to see the me in that mirror as well as the me in the mirror I see with me in it. It’s god damn fucking magical.

And I would say at least seventy two percent of the time I look downwards at least part of my body comes into view, at LEAST seventy two percent of the time. And that’s a high percentage. If that were a movie on Rotten Tomatoes you’d totally think:

Wow, ok, this movie is probably worth seeing, maybe not worth rushing out to see, but like if we’re free, and can’t think of anything better to do, and then say to each other I guess we could see a movie, and then reply to each other yeah, I mean I guess, if there’s nothing better to do, and then discuss what movie we’d like to see, and both agree probably not one that we’ve heard is bad, and then say, well what are you in the mood for, and then reply, I don’t know, what are you in the mood for, and then say, well there is that one that’s got seventy two percent on Rotten Tomatoes, well then we might totally see it.

So yeah, that’s a kick ass percentage, and kick ass percentages are god damn fucking magical.

Check out this percentage – 47%

Holy fuck, that’s kick fucking ass!

So if I was out of my body I’d have known it. Because I would have been on some sweet beach, or walking a tight rope above a ravine, or if I couldn’t think of anything else to do seeing a movie, and I would have looked down and been like, seventy two percent of the time I see a body down there, now there is only sand, or a river, or a chair covered in caramel, salt and bodily juices, holy fuck am I having an out of body experience? And then I would have answered that ‘yes’.

But I didn’t answer yes today. I did however think some lovely thoughts that had me go places, I don’t know, like with my mind. It was sweet.

Oh I also had a drunk girl who was about fourteen walk past me on the street and say ‘have a beautiful night’ and then puke up what appeared, from the subsequent splashes of it I found further up the road, to be a raspberry slushee. And I did have a beautiful night, so thank you girl who’s parents lives suck, that thought of yours was a hundred percent kick fucking damn ass magical! In fact, I’m even glad you didn’t eat tar.

The Best Day project of my life – existing royal elegance

Today was the best day ever, because I got an awesome offer, the kind of offer few are ever offered, a special unique offer, and it was offered to me! Awesome.

Yep, I got offered to join the Castlewood Estate Residents Group!

Yes me!

How awesome does that sound? Well it's even better than you think, which I assume is already awesome, but check this out:

- It’s in Castlewood, which guarantees there will be a castle!

- And wood!

- Or at least wood found in a castle some place.

- Possibly somewhere known for its castles!

- Or its wood!

- It's an estate, which is what you leave behind when you die! Along with a corpse, and the smell of a corpse. And yet

- It's a residency, which is where people live! Which is the opposite of death.

- Which is paradoxical.

- And paradoxical things are awesome.

- They make life worth living.

- And living is one of the best things you can do while you’re alive.

- And it's a group, which is a congregation of people

- Or collection of something else in group form.

- And 'something else' could be people!

Yep it was one of the best offers I've had in ages.

Ok, in the end it turned out to just be a mistake, but in the meantime... Wow what a ride!

The Unsurpassed Day of My life quest – pugnacious slapstick stalkers

‘I’M NOT DRUNK, YOU’RE DRUNK’ he yelled, his voice loud and pugnacious. Aggressive and sure of himself. Defensive and accusatory at the same time. He dribbled as he said it. Then he crashed his car.

This was like a six-year-old kid in the café next to me about three minutes ago, talking to his mother. Luckily his car doesn’t seem to damaged, he picked it back off the floor and was driving it again within seconds. Ha ha. Is it wrong that I kind of hope he IS drunk? His mother doesn’t appear to be, but then how would a kid even know to say something like that unless he’d heard it before?

Oh fuck, I am digging into this situation in my mind and it’s suddenly turning from hilarious to possibly a hint n’ peek into a very dark childhood for this kid with possibly drunken angry parents. Although that could make for a fun slapstick based sitcom, there isn’t enough slapstick based around kids whose lives suck these days. Also ‘hint n’ peek’ could be a great name for a sitcom about a stalker who subconsciously wants to get caught. There aren’t enough sitcoms these days that really, really would get their creators in huge trouble for making fun and light of truly hideous situations.

Today is the best day of my life. And not because of the drunken kid, or the trouble I shall soon get into for my wildly popular new TV shows (by the way, I wanna play the stalkee, there aren’t enough sitcoms these days where people go ‘really, as if someone would stalk HIM!’). No today is the best day of my life because I have decided to dominate.

Well to be more accurate, as I wrote it on my leg at dawn this morning right after a pee and while still half stuck in the fun dream I was having where I was in a play, didn’t know my lines, and lots of people I know were dead – I DON’T GET TO NOT DOMINATE ANYMORE.

I am not actually sure what I meant when I wrote that. I barely remember doing it, and was in a hurry to get back into my fun dream so went back to sleep as fast as possible, but I wrote it in capitals so it must have been very, very important, and I wrote it not on my lower calf but on my inside upper thigh, which is near my inside lower upper thigh, so it may well have been sexual. Only I don’t think it was, because if it was I probably would have written it right smack bang on my upper upper thigh.

This makes me think it was about life. I’m pretty sure there is an artery or something around there where if you get speared you may bleed to death, and yet I wasn’t light with my pen, so I was literally risking my life to say it. So yeah, it was probably about life.

Now, not sure if that means I am supposed to dominate my life, other people’s lives, or the word life, but given than I don’t care for words that change a letter when pluralizing, and I am often too shy to even talk to most other people let alone dominate them, I am going to with my life. This works out too because I have more access to my own life than pretty much any other people I know’s lives. At least in the top ten. And six of those died in my fun dream last night.

Only problem is that if I am dominating myself, aren’t I also therefore being submissive to myself?

I’m going to have to think more about this. The kid and his mother have left now. I wonder who is driving home? Wait, there should be more sitcoms based around a six year old who gets a DUI, I wanna play a pugnacious guy, then people could say ‘yeah, as if that guy would have a personality trait that wasn’t conducive to dominating life’. Yep, I’m nailing it today.

Best day ever y'all - homeopathic conglomerate lemur

Hello everybody, hope you all are having a lovely day. I almost wrote 'y'all' just then and then I read it back in my head and couldn't help but read 'y'all'! 

Y'all? Seriously 'Y'ALL?' I know right, I just realized that I can read stuff with my mind that I never even wrote! 

That's like proof that when you consider one option but go with a second or possibly even third (if you're a real thinker) option then that alternative universe is definitely created and that in this exact moment I just figured out that I can peek into that dimension by reading stuff with my mind, holy fuck, that's awesome. 

Man, that easily makes today the best day of my life. Fuck what I was going to write about ('running can save your life' was as far as I got). This is like a super power. I have access to all the information people, at least the readable information, which is often the most useful information there is, because you don't have to relay it to someone and worry about awfully racist Chinese whispers scenarios, such as someone telling you 'I'm going home' and you relaying it as 'eye gonorrhea hermaphroditism'. 

With reading you can just hand the second person a piece of paper with the words you wish to relay written on it and there is no chance of confusion.

'Eye gonorrhea hermaphroditism' that is, I mean you're not going to hand them a piece of paper saying 'I'm going home' that's way more boring, plus 'I'm' that doesn't relay well, people are so godamn lazy these days, lay off the contractions, use your actual names and stop making me spread information on why you're not here anymore assholes! 

Sorry, got off track. I can now read stuff in other universes!!! I think I need to read some stuff. I'm not sure how this works so I'm just going to use my instincts and trust that whatever I try and read is right:

HUMAN SPIES HOMEOPATHIC CONGLOMERATE LEMUR IN A TREE 

Awesome! Wow. This felt like a newspaper headline to me, and wow what a headline! Look at all that information from that other universe - they are humans there, and lemurs and spies and even completely made up words like 'trees'. Sounds awesome. 

Oh cool, I'm reading another thing right now: 

'Freakish young wheelbarrow, freakish like a skyward bound house brick Moldavian scarecrow simulation treat' said the old rake to his young apprentice. 

Ooohh, I think that was a passage from a novel. Sounds awesome. Finally Moldavian gardening tools are getting the simulation treats I've always thought they deserved in this universe! Here comes another:

Today I got my first period

Oh fuck it's a kids diary, get out, stop reading, aaaaghhhh, I can still see it:

I was wearing white underpants too, and I was at school, and I felt cramps then my penis started bleeding

What? please stop brain, I don't want to read anymore:

Girls are so lucky they don't have to deal with their genitalia bleeding

Um, ok. It turns out other universes and dimensions suck, they are unfair, and cruel, and I never want to visit one again. 

I'll teach y'all how to save your lives with running another time. I'm going ho... No, sorry David go home now. 

That's better.