Tree facts

The phrase 'money doesn't grow on trees' will have a whole different meaning if all the trees die - because we'll all be busy fighting off relentless bird attacks.... The phrase 'a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush' on the other hand... I mean seriously, shut the fuck up, we're all about to suffocate to death

A lazy bit of comedy history for you

Commedia dell ‘Arte, or Comedy of the artist, was a form of improvised theatre from Italy popular in the Middle Ages, and surprisingly to me, as someone who has studied comedy and improvisation extensively over the past few years, not well known by people today.

As a part of carnival festivities, Commedia Dell ‘Arte was an escape from the drudgery of the type of lives the poor and underclasses eeked out, and a break from the oppression of the ruling class. It was an opportunity for people to make fun of both themselves and the rich and the royal, to blow off steam, and not take life too seriously.

Actors who performed in Commedia Dell ‘Arte would choose one of a series of stock characters, with very specific masks and costumes, routines and mannerisms, that were well known to the people of the day, as was the game, or unusual funny thing about them, which could be repeated over and over. Some of the characteristics included the quick-bodied dumb man, the dirty old man, the bad tempered hunch back, the dandy, and the vocal know it all who actually knows nothing, and are character traits which have survived all the way to today, and still form the basis behind much of the comedy produced in modern times, and everything in-between including harlequins, clowns, and vaudeville.

These characters were much like modern sitcoms characters, where people who tune in know certain behavioral attributes each character will have, which new story lines are filtered through each week, such as Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory will always respond to people in a social retarded yet ridiculously intelligent way, or Joey from friends who is always eating and saying dumb things. And I believe the sitcom Arrested Development was specifically created and designed to include one of each of the archetypal comedic characters that are popular today and seem to have developed from these original archetypes from the middle ages.

Much like the modern sitcom Commedia Dell ‘Arte would follow familiar patterns often through stock plots, and lazzies, or rehearsed comedic routines, only with improvised dialogue to allow them to remain fresh, and unique to each individual performance.

Performers would play one character often for their entire lives, so it was seemingly a craft that could always be improved upon yet never mastered. The performers were not well respected in their time, but whoever created these stock characters surely most be among the most important artists in comedy history.

Togetherness

You're either with me... or against me ... Or you don't know who I am... But if you did you'd be with me... Or against me... Unless your opinion of me was ambiguous.... In which case I'd consider you against me.. Unless I feel you'd be with me if only you knew me better... And yet why haven't you tried to get to get know me better... Unless you're against me... Or shy... Or shyly unwilling to admit you don't know what you feel... In which case aren't you actually just for yourself?... Why haven't you at least thought about what you feel for me?... Are you that selfish? I mean that little to you?... Have you simply not even considered whether you're with me or against me?... What kind of person are you?... Probably someone who'd be with me if you knew me... Right?... Please? ... Seriously????... I'd be with you if I could be!!!... Well fuck you!!! You wanted to be against me from the get go didn't you?... You motherfucker!!!! I don't want your type with me anyway!!!... Unless you'd actually be with me if you knew me... Which is probably the truth... So get to know me you cunts... I'm a good guy... At least to people with me

Fuck you Beck Bennett

Under pants

'Oh, because they go under your pants'

And with that mere thought came the crushing and heartbreaking moment a long and arduous expedition into attempting to write a 'why do they call them 'under' pants' joke officially failed.

It was a long and fanciful journey before I hit this final insurmountable obstacle, the ultimate unclimbable wall, truth, and while tears were defendable, earned even, It'd be criminal of me to casually dismiss and discard the undeniably wonderful high points warmly enjoyed before the failure had been reached or even contemplated, and you better believe there were highs, awesome peaks of wonder such as:

- You don't try and 'under'stand them
- I've never been 'under'whelmed by them and
- 'under' a moonlit sky if I mis'under'stand a potential threat and shit my pants I don't 'under'appreciate them

But there were the lows too, obviously , painful lows that I struggled to carry on from, rage filled lows, such as:

- staring at a pile or dirty laundry trying to get inspiration
- two days going commando in uncomfortable jeans experiencing life without them
- being whipped by a nun for going to confession and asking the priest what kind of underpants he wore, and of course the worst,
- trying to see if there really is truth behind every joke by shitting my pants and checking my appreciation level. It was only medium and medium gives me NOTHING.

And then the final death. Oh, because you wear them 'under' your pants' - damn you!!!!!! The dream is dead.

Maybe next time, when recovered from this physical ordeal and mended my mental anguish, well into the future from now of course, i'll try and figure out a joke on the topic of 'what would be a good super power?'

Oh wait - Super Jealousy! Because you'd get to use it ALL THE TIME!

Damn it - I mean it's genius obviously, its so deliciously ironically optimistic, as all brilliant jokes should be, but where was the journey, the ups and downs, the lows and highs - I arrived straight at the summit, and the satisfaction in that is only medium - MEDIUM!!!!

Strange things which are undeniably true

Coming to a fork in the road isn't that scary - those four different options are all parallel - but come to a spoon in the road and you're fucked - especially if it's full of hot soup - because that probably means a soup truck has tipped over - and helping the driver could possibly delay you

A fortnight probably feels like a lifetime to a two week old baby - unless it was born in America - in which case it probably doesn't know what a fortnight is - but an 'every other week' probably feels like a frustratingly vague lifetime to it

A fist full of soil is a silly place to plant a rose bush - unless you really, really want to give a girl a rose - and she is really, really patient - and she really, really likes guys who make fists for really, really long amounts of time - although if you ask me this girl sounds a bit nuts

Wow, the world sure is a strange place, and full of strange things which are undeniably true, plus who built a fucking spoon in the road???? AAAGGHHHH


 

David Tieck as Introduced by David Tieck

There is this 'whatcha doing in Hollywood?' thing I might be on called 'Get it IN Hollywood' that is probably awesome, and this is for that so people like me and things of that nature, but stay away late night talk shows, I'm not giving you my best stuff, oh but have me on as a guest please, I am David Tieck.

Christians officially hate me

The below is a true story by the awesome Andy Day - I personally believe the lesson is buy my book or you're going to hell 


So!! In the spirit of EMM i have my own story to share with you which happened just today.

I was in Penrith earlier this morning and had just walked out of Panther Cycles having purchased some new Shimano cycling shoes and new cleat pedals.

On my way back to the car I walked past a shop front, looking inside I saw shelves full of books, immediately thinking to myself "Great, a book store, I'll see if they have any of Dave's books." Not that I would buy them from anyone other than you, but as an avid fan, curious as to where one could purchase your books from.

Walking into the store I made a bee line for the front counter, where I was met by an elderly gent of approximately 65. When I reached the counter we exchanged the usual greetings and he asked, how can I help?

"Do you have any books by the author, David Tieck?" I asked.

The gentleman behind the counter typed into his computer and after a moment replied, "I'm afraid I can't find anything, do you know any of the Titles?"

"Of course!" I replied. "There is, The Embarrassing Memory Murderer, and Losing My Virginity 52 Times." I say.

Staring at me for a few moments, the man then replies, "I beg your pardon!"

Confused, I say again, "The Embarrassing Memory Murderer and Losing My Virgi..." I begin to reply.

"Excuse me sir, but could you please keep your voice down!" He replies, cutting me off mid sentence.

I am shocked and taken aback at his reaction. "I'm sorry?" I say inquisitively.

He replies in a hushed yet serious tone, "I'm sorry sir, but this is a respected Christian book shop and we do not sell the sort of filth that you are asking for!", "now I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave!"

As I walk towards the door, I look to the shelves either side of me and see a display of new leather bound bibles and such titles as "let's chat about God".

I walk silently out of the shop, contemplating what had just happened. As soon as I got outside my only reaction was to simply burst out laughing at the fact that I had just unknowingly walked into a Strictly Christian book shop asking for your books and resulting in my being kicked out.

I'm afraid that you don't have a strong Christian follow DT! Best to rule them out from your targeted demographic audience. =D



You can't buy it in Christian book stores but you can buy it here :) - HERE HERE HERE or even ----> HERE

'This is so hot right now' - people in the future

Remember that time when the really hot thing became hot and you were like 'I could have been in on that from the beginning but I decided to wait until other people told me it was hot and I wish instead I had been one of the ones who could say "I was in on it from the beginning"' - well this is your chance to make up for that mistake - buy now - the beginning is still right now.....

Buy here on amazon

Or here on iUniverse

http://bookstore.iuniverse.com/Products/SKU-000592138/The-Embarrassing-Memory-Murderer.aspx

How to know you've made it

You know that moment when your teacher deals with a student with a differing opinion by saying "Sorry to disagree with you, but I did make a documentary on the subject, and that documentary won an Oscar"

Well experiencing this moment isn't quite making it, unless that is your dream, which it isn't, or unless you're that teacher, which you are, not and well also taking into account that this moment has probably never happened, unless it has, in which case it definitely has happened, but you probably weren't in the class when it did, unless you were, in which case most people will probably say 'you liar', unless they believe your story, in which case I hope they are your close friends, because there should be more believers out there, unless they actually said 'you're a liar' and you said it's 'you liar you idiot' and they replied 'I said "you're a liar" which is perfectly fine you idiot', in which case they probably aren't that good a friend, so fuck em. 

Then again I don't need friends like that, because I do now have a new teacher, and he has made a documentary, and it was one that won an Oscar, for best documentary even, because that's the most likely category to win an Oscar in for a documentary, because apparently documentaries aren't good enough for best film, even my unmade documentary ideas that would be way more likely to find funding if Oscars are up for grabs, and yet teachers documentary is about stuff that someone may make someone say "well what about if this was true" and it made him say "well I did win an Oscar" only he said it after a whole different thing happened, and he also said other interesting stuff.

Plus he's probably only been teaching for 40 years or so, with say several hundred students each year, and I am one of them, so yeah, I guess you could say I've made it.

Yay. 

Lessons from quotes

'R2D2 more like Right To Do You, am I right?' - guy who says stuff with sexual subtext that's sort of sexy but not quite enough to actually be sexy

'Potato, more like - poo NATO' -treasonairre

'Wish you were here' - guy who would probably waste wishes should he ever find a genie 

'Bluggggaloooppply' guy who thinks he is good at coining words yet actually PEAKED at 'treasonaire'

'Dave' - guy who always thinks all quotes come from 'guys'

'Fuck off, I was trying to follow a pattern' Dave, the idiot from above 

'I didn't say that' guy who said that 

'If you're so smart how come you forgot dashes for a while' - guy who forgot -'s for a while but then thought compensating for that by writing 'dashes' was compensational

'Compensational - that's a good one right' - that word coining guy from above 

'This started out as an attempt to write a 140 character tweet, can you end it please' - tired author of this 

'No' - lazy retort by same author too lazy to earn drama

'Please?' - an often misused word

'R2D or something, who cares about the ending' - Dave

'Fuck off, you treasonairre, I will not stop till this is perfec' - guy who thinks missing the final 't' makes it seem like he purposely on accident finished mid word

'Dashes are fun' - - - - - - 'Yay'

Lessons from a long journey

The journey being the long one I took from La to Sydney in the past 24 hours, and the lessons being these points I list now:

- Virgin Australia mastered how to take someone's long held customer loyalty and shove it up their arss
- 'lots of venom' - hopefully how the teenagers who were all on the same sport team on the plane play their indeterminate sport or else all their hoodies are liars
- one immensely delightful staff member at Delta doesn't make up for one dispicabley rude staff member at Delta
- when you're running late the word 'Indy' sounds like 'Sydney' and can make people going to Indianapolis miss their flight
- if your job is to go and find people going to Indianapolis and in danger of missing their flight and instead you yell out 'anyone going to Indy come with me' - you're probably bad at your job
- don't get the chicken on Delta flights
- teenagers are way less self conscious than me about making others stand up so they can pee
- teenagers probably have healthier kidneys than me
- old Asian guy next to me forgot to hit pause and missed the end of his movie and found it so hilarious he had to get my attention - we should all learn a lesson from that
- I can burst from a nightmare extravagantly and have no one notice
- having one really drippy nostril and one totally dry is weird
- bursting from a nightmare with a drippy nostril is messy
- a white sweater doesn't look good with yellow snot stains
- when the white sweater was a Xmas present that you really like, getting yellow snot on it isn't joyful
- 'give me the whole can you bitch' is something I would never say
- sometimes things I would never say are things I'd occasionally think, especially when I didn't get a mere whole freaking can
- I mean seriously, other people got full cans
- stupid delta
- it's all virgins fault
- I'm far too tired to edit this into something as coherent and poetic as my average post
- It's all Virgin's fault

It's all happening

- My new book, The Embarrassing Memory Murderer, is getting closer and closer to release date - I have even seen a digital version of it, and it's awesome, so look forward to that.
- Because of this, as a super special treat, I have now made my last book just 99c on kindle
- That's just 77 British Pence 
- You can find it here:

http://www.amazon.com/Losing-My-Virginity-Times-ebook/dp/B003VYBREA/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1337029904&sr=8-2


- Also don't forget that if you have an iphone, an ipad, macbook, and probably all the equivalents on android and PC you can download a kindle APP for free!!!! You can end up with hundreds of books on your phone or computer, even if they're not mine I highly recommend this, reading is totally fun you guys
- I wrote a blog about leaves today, but I wrote it with pencil, which means I need to type it up - stay tuned
- My soccer team is doing really shit which is making me hate sport again and focus back on arts
- Anne Hathaway accidentally showed her vagina
- People have actually been voting on what book I should publish next - thanks you awesome people
- I am really, really tired
- Seriously, her vagina!

There is probably even more awesome stuff, so enjoy life people, yaaaayyyy