The Best Day of My Life Opportunity – that’s the spirit

When I first conceived of this new direction for my blog about a month or so ago, although I already must confess that it wasn’t first thought of a month or so ago, it was thought of over a couple of years, but yet frequently abandoned, because I thought it would be too much work, and too hard to maintain at the awe inspiring levels I always set as my minimum allowed.

But ok, so that’s just the point. When I decided a month or so ago to say ‘fuck it, just fucking write everyday, cause you love to do so, and don’t care about results, or any…

Ok, so – the point is there was only one rule or policy for doing this – that I didn’t plan shit in advance, but rather wrote free form from the place where my imagination meets my memories from the day, only with a spirit of remembering the day as if it was the best day of my life, and more than that, to spend the day as if it is the best of my life, and let the writing of this therefore take care of itself, after you know, chucking all that shit in a blender and then adding maple syrup for sweetness, only to discover drinks made up of ideas are occasionally not as good as pancakes.  

Wait, Ok, but that’s all fine, but I keep failing, I keep pre-planning, or at least thinking about what I am going to write in some way. To be honest I even pre-thought about writing a blog tonight about how I don’t want to pre-think stuff anymore. Then I allowed myself to do it again anyway, and I haven’t every night, to be clear, even some…

Fuck it – today is the best day of my fucking life, why am I trying to quantify or qualify, or explain, or any of that shit, it’s against everything this blog is about.

Ok, so time for the real blog, just whatever comes into my head, but while still keeping in mind the thoughts about direction I only partially summarized above, before abandoning for being against the very thing they are trying to quantify.

Rules man, rules suck. I mean they do have their place in a civilized society, like if there were no rules anywhere, it would be damn hard to find a place that sold excellent donuts, because they’d probably all be stolen, and full of razor blades, because if someone was stealing my donuts everyday you better believe they’d have razor blades in them. Or maybe not even razor blades, cause you can see those too easily in a donut, all metallic and sharp and stuff, and frankly I think those properties would fly directly in the face of what I was attempting to achieve as a master donut craftsman, have I promoted myself a couple of times, in terms of my donut making title, or qualifications, so far in this paragraph? I am not sure, but frankly I deserve a promotion. I am a master crafter donut staffer, which actually sounds like a lesser position, because of the whole ‘staffer’ element, where as I assume I’d be the boss – but you know why I think I’d be the boss? Because I sure as hell would not bake, or fry, or microwave no donuts that looked so metallic and sharp that you could hide a razor blade inside of one and not have it easy to notice. So if people were stealing my donuts, I’d probably have to stick it to them with some form of poison, or miniature self-shooting pistol, or possibly even just make a batch or two of ones that don’t taste good, then give them to the crooks, who wouldn’t actually be crooks in this scenario, because of the lack of rules in this society, and after these miscreants had stolen a couple of bad batches in a row they’d stop stealing, and I could go back to selling my delicious creations, at high and yet reasonable prices and we’d once again have peace on earth.

But we don’t currently have peace on earth, and maybe, just maybe it’s because I haven’t encountered just the right conditions necessary to inspire me to take up baking.

Ok, so the point is – I have no idea where all that last section came from, or what, if any, point I meant to make is it there.

But fuck that.

I think we have all learned something here today – rules are good only when they are good. And I don’t think anyone has ever thought of that before, let alone said it.

The point is, today was the best day of my life. I did a shit ton of acting and filming, and LOVED it, I saw a beautiful sunset, and I ate some delicious cake. I’m sure at least one of those three things will have an impact on my life at a future date, even if the connection is tenuous at best. If it does though, I will be as surprised as you are, because I aint pre-planning shit anymore.

Wait I think that last sentiment was actually the point I was trying to make all along. 

Ok, so does that mean I am opening a donut shop or not?

The Best Day of My life proposition – The second chance salivation

  

Hello everybody, friends, well-wishers, wishes of wellness from lucky ponds where you throw money in them for wishes, what the hell are those called again? Wishing wells? And even people who only wish moderation. Actually ‘well’ isn’t that fucking great is it? I have never had to call up a friend to excitingly scream…

‘You’ll never believe it, I’m WELL’

And even if I ever did make that call one day I think the conversation would probably end up going along the lines of this:

‘You’ll never believe it, I’m WELL’

‘You’re well? What do you mean, are you ok? You sound upset?’

‘No I’m excited, because I am well!’

‘So are you excited or are you well?’

‘Both, I’m excited because I am well’

‘But well and excited are very, very different states of being. One is all thrilling, electrifying and high energy, and other one is relatively neutral, almost as if nothing particularly good is happing in your life or emotional state, and yet nothing particularly bad is happening either. You’re feeling fine, no sickness, injuries or ailments to worry about, and yet no particular rush of adrenalin or serotonin is present in your neurovascular system, you are reasonable, in satisfactory health and reasonable mental conditioning, and in no particular mood to neither celebrate nor seek commiseration.  So which is it, are you excited or are you well?’

‘Why the fuck do you always have to ruin shit with literal interpretations of shit. Why can’t I just call you up and be happy, you fucking asshole, you’re supposed to be my friend dickhead.’

‘See now you’re demonstrating signs of hostility and yet referring to being happy, seriously buddy if you want to call me up and talk about moods, can you at least figure out which mood you want to talk about first?’

And yet we still wish people well. For shame people, and I am including myself within that definition, of things called ‘people’.

So let’s go with, hello happy-wishers! Awww, thanks for that wish, I appreciate it. This is The Best Day of My Life Proposition, the blog where I look over the day that was, for me mostly, and decide to appreciate it as if it were comfortably the best day of my life, and even if up until this moment it may not have seemed like the best day of my life, the mere act of positive reflection immediately escalates it to that very position, leaving me, and hopefully some of you, feeling delighted, optimistic, and yes even happy – the very emotion you just wished for me. Man, this blog is a self-fulfilling, and group-fulfilling prophecy of epically awesome proportions.

And yes, today was the best day of my life. For today I ate left overs for not one, nor even two, but two plus some snacking meals today, and it was awesome. I LOVE leftovers. Although to be honest I normally get most of the pleasure from them while putting them in the fridge thinking ‘that saves making or attaining food at least once tomorrow’ a sentence which can bring me all sorts of comfort and even joy. And yet then I often proceed, as soon as the very next day, to think to myself ‘I’m hungry, what should I eat… meh, I guess I’ll just have leftovers’.

Seriously… ‘meh’.

Do I somehow forget the comfort and even joy that I predicted just the evening before when storing said leftovers? Yeah I think I do. Well not today motherfuckers, I reveled in leftovers, I gorged myself with them, I bathed in them, I devoured them with all the senses I could remember at the time, at least three I think, I salivated over them, which is convenient because this very saliva helped distribute the flavor around my mouth, and aided in lubricating my throat canal to allow the well chewed food morsels a safe passage to their after life, I chewed them, I teethed them, I tongued them, I luxuriated in them, and yes, uh huh, I even heated em up before eating them.

So yeah, it was a good fucking day, suck on that ‘meh’.

The Best Day of My Life Principal – Pop Quiz

 Pop quiz: if you look up the definition of 'look up the definition of' in the dictionary what happens next?

A. The definition is hard to find because of an alphabetizing quirk.

B. All time and space collapses in on itself.

C. A vent opens in the ceiling and a balloon slowly floats out with 'well done' printed on it.

D. A man creeps out of the nearest closet in a dark suit and intones 'we've been waiting for you'.

E. An all out war breaks out between those who support quintessential freedoms and those who don't support them because they can't spell 'quintessential'.

F. Your friend turns to you and says 'pff, you still look things up in the dictionary? What a loser'.

G. All of the above because today was the best day of my life!

Obviously the answer is E! No wait, wait G! Because it's that time again, the time for me to talk about how today was the best day of my life.

And oh yes, it t'was a doozey, I watched some cricket, did some acting, ate some yummy food, skipped exercise for a whole day for the first times in weeks, and I looked something up in the dictionary like the non-conformist hard core badass motherfucker I am. I mean I can't remember what I looked up but for some reason my left leg just circumnavigated the moon without me, so what ever it was it must have been pretty damn sweet.

The Best Day of My Life Consequence – watch out bees

I had one of those days today.

And by ‘one’ I mean singular.

And my ‘those’ I mean super busy. Like from the moment I awoke till now, closing in on 4am, where I really need to go to sleep.

And by ‘today’ I mean like in the immediate past, like not even last week man, not even close to last week, but like way closer to now man, like today even.

And by ‘of’ I mean let’s set this beehive on fire with a water pistol filled with zooning potion.

And by ‘had’ I mean H-Harlequin A-Ardronony D-Delinquent, but you know, with the letters not capitalized, obviously, which I am sure you know means it’s a far more clear and relevant h-helicopter a-armpit d-donation.

And by ‘I’ I mean me, as in all the things that make me me, like all my feelings, all my thoughts, all my memories, all my loves, all my frustrations, all my atoms, all my emotions, all my hates, all my physical motions, all my imaginations, all my illusions, all my anxieties, all my dreamscapes, all my cells, all my visual delights, and all my forgotten skirmish realities – like I am talking ‘I’ motherfuckers, and that aint no little thing, that’s like many universes colliding at speeds so fast that even like really fast runners, you know like at the Olympics, not necessarily the guys n gals that win golds or anything, I mean pretty much everyone there is fast, at least those there who value speed as a good thing when applied to its full potential in their given sport, so you know, even those guys would say ‘yeah that’s pretty quick, so like ‘I’ is no little thing ok, it’s a whole fucking lot of thing. I don’t know why we let it get away with being just one skinny little letter. Even ‘me’ gets two letters, and me is just some self-involved egotistical cunt.

And by ‘ ’ I mean like the space between the words, so that’s kind of irrelevant.

Actually no, fuck that. Sometimes the space between words says a lot more than the words themselves. Especially when that space is taken up by some evil genius pressing the ‘go’ button on his ‘shrink the world to the size of a small hazelnut machine’, which never ends up working right because of his insistence on the very specific shape of a hazelnut to be his ultimate vision for the world, even though the beneficial practicalities of the re-shape far outweigh the hassle of getting everyone to move houses and the like to fit the new mold. Oh also a ‘go’ button, what is he, like 8 or something?

So yeah, I had a very, very busy day. But I was mostly doing dream chasing type activities. And it is for this reason that even though I don’t have time to blog tonight, I could not possibly miss it, because it was most certainly the best day of my life.

And by ‘certainly’ I mean that I have no notion of forgotten marginal groa…. Well you get the point.   

The Best Day of my Life significance – The Humbleization

- Heroes now considered only third most likely thing to save a small child from a speeding train, after hole in the ground that no one saw, and ‘What? I think you’re mistaking me for someone else? I NEVER had a kid’.

- The words - ‘Hysterectomies’, ‘hysteria’ and ‘haste’ banned from being used in the same doctors surgery within the same seven-minute period unless said doctor is attempting to pull of a very detailed and elaborate practical joke, involving hysterical ideas, done quickly and the removal of… well you get the idea.

- Hey, it wasn’t me that made the rule ok!

- Wait that just reminds me of a joke I tried recently that got a female member the audience to yell out that she hates me. I didn’t mean it to be offensive, I just knew it WAS offensive, but having thought of it wanted to try it just in case it wasn’t.

- Nah, sorry, this blog is neither the time nor the place to repeat it; I just don’t want to get in trouble ok? Sorry.  

- ‘Fandango’ overtakes ‘marzipan’ as the most fun word to say that no one truly knows the meaning of.

- Yes, unless YOU do. Show off.

- Don’t like treading on monkey shit? Experts say they now know a way to avoid it, find out more after the break.

- Simple don’t hang out in over crowded monkey jungles, with a poor waste management department due to organized crime, union action, infighting, lack of funds, lack of resources, lack of a well established hierarchy, excessive red tape, excessive sightseeing tours damaging the existing infrastructure, and excessive use of excuses of lack of things, or buy monkey shit repellent shoes. I mean duh.

- Yes the time between suggesting you find out after the break, and the answer, as seen immediately above damn well DID count as a break for it to accurately be described as ‘more after the break’.

Yes that’s right - It’s other exciting day of The Best Day Of My Life Significance:

Featuring:

David Tieck as David Tieck.

Dave Tieck as David Tieck’s alter ego Dave Tieck.

David Teak as David Tieck when spelled in a way to make sure people pronounce it right.

Deuvead Tuack as David Tieck when spelled in way to make sure people pronounce it wrong.

David Tieck as Dave Tieck’s alter ego David Tieck

And

David Tieck playing David Tieck, Dave Tieck, David Teak, Deuvead Teack and David Tieck

I am feeling humble today. It turns out that I don’t need to talk myself up anymore, although I want to get better at that, but mostly only having faith in myself rather than the actually talking myself up bit. But I was acting in a scene tonight for the webseries I am acting in at the moment. And it was a nice dramatic scene where I was supposed to be angry, and hurt, and sad, and contemplative, and passive aggressive, and use flawless grammar with no overuse of any words like ‘and’, oh and heartbroken, and just as we were about to do a take I couldn’t stop smiling, because the thought hit me ‘I’m doing it, I am actually pulling this off’. Sure the smiling ruined the internal truth of the experience resulting in less than great acting for a take, but the point is I now have a sense memory to think about next time I need to play someone self-important and self-satisfied. Yay me. The point is I’m maturing, becoming happier, and become more thoughtful of the world around me. I am liking the new me. And that’s why today was the best day of my life.

Ok, well that ties up any loose ends in this blog. Nothing more to say really. Nothing to add. Nothing to finish. Nothing I need to re-reference or wrap up. Yep, that’s totally it, as IT as it could be it, done. Finished. Bye everyb….

Ok fine I’ll tell the joke, but only because you begged me.

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

One! They do that shit themselves!

How many light bulbs does it take to change a feminist?

One! If it breaks inside her while she’s using it as a dildo.

Ok who hates me? Well I only told you the joke because I was begged, so, um there!

Ok, I deserve that abuse.

I’m going to retreat to my happy place

Fandango, fandango, fandango, fandango, fan…

In the end I think it was a mistake to be too lazy to use copy and paste to aid the writing of that last sentence. Lesson learned. Hey, I think that was the first time in ages that I learned a lesson of something you should or should not do. Yay. Milestones for sure!