The crowning of the best day of my life – costumes are fun

Hello everybody and welcome to another exciting day of the best day of my life, the show where everyday is the best day of my life, because I choose for it to be. Featuring:

David Tieck - as David Tieck the man enjoying the best day of David Tieck’s life.

Today - as the day in question called today for today.

Life – as the choice of existence.

Robotics – as the back up choice of existence if the original choice runs out of batteries, and there aren’t any stores near by that sell batteries, or perhaps even if there are stores nearby that sell batteries but they overcharge for them, it’s the exact same product as they sell at the other store, why the price disparity?

Chase the Beaver – as David’s sidekick the Chipmunk. Of course as you know, on TV a beaver looks way more like a chipmunk than a chipmunk ever could, but in real life you get a beaver to play your chipmunk sidekick and people say ‘I love your chipmunk sidekick, looks like a beaver’ and that’s rad.

Donald – as the security guard hired by Chase the Beaver to stop people chasing him all the time. And yes, he knows he could easily go by ‘Chas’ or ‘has’ or ‘esahc’, but why should he change his name, it’s the people who feel the need to make his name literal who are the real assholes.

Dave Tieck – as David Tieck’s subconscious. Very good David, you are beginning to feel my persuasive powers, soon I will take over your body and we will rule the galaxy side by side, only with you being less by my side and instead just being a little annoying voice in ear that I can easily silence by straitening out a paperclip and poking you with it.

A piece of paper – as a piece of paper.

A guitar – as a guitar

And last and not least.

A can of coke zero – as a can of constantly exploding anecdotes, some of them about gummy bears!!

On today’s episode of the best day of my life, today was the best day of David’s life for countless reasons, including but not limited to:

- I wasn't stabbed today, not even once, and I'm very stabable, because I have really soft skin, and most people who like to stab people are persistently worried about blunting the sharpness of their blade on callouses, suntan, cancerous moles and other common harsh skin irritations.

- I did drink in a lovely vista, and I wasn’t even thirsty, at least not for vistas. Although I was hungry for a vista, but the chef said he’d run out of dew covered meadows, but he promised a new shipment is coming in tomorrow and he wouldn’t dream of serving them all without serving one to me first.

- I was only mildly dethroned from the kingdom of kingship, which would suck if I wasn’t also epically throned at the kingdom of kingspaceship!

Now I am off to bed, because I’m f’n tired, turns out it’s really hard to get a good rest when the people around you are for some reason constantly chasing chipmunks.

The finest day of my life gift – burst to life

I like to think that if the box of art supplies I have on the floor in my line of vision at the moment suddenly burst to life, sang me a song about the hard life of a soft tip pen, and then built a full regulation sized ice rink in my bedroom, painted on all the lines, spots and advertising logos needed to reach the standard as seen in ice hockey matches played in North America and then beamed to happy consumers around the developed world, then completed an entire game of ice-hockey without getting into a single fight, before the victors celebrated with an ice cold beer as supplied by which ever beer manufacturer paid for the advertising space on their ice, and then completely dominated an online celebrity fashion blog comments section, after really truly putting ‘Klip_op’ into their rightful place, which is deep up their own ass, after their despicable comments under the famous pictures of Kurt Douglas, I mean really Klip_Op – ‘nice suit?’ You can’t muster up a ‘really nice suit’ or perhaps a ‘nice suit, I like it’? Nah, cause you’re too fucking good for that aren’t you Klip_Op, you fucking fuck face.

Then I would totally think:

‘Yay’.

Because when every day is the best day of your life, you say ‘yay’ quite a lot.

Well sure some people go with ‘yippee’ but who wants to waste time with a two-syllable celebration in amazing times like this?

I think the lesson is that it’s ok to be humble.

No wait; it’s how come my teddy bear didn’t come alive? Come on dude, you’re not lifting your weight, you’re leaving the magic coming alive to art supplies for fuck’s sake, and I don’t know if you already knew this, but it turns out, against all known indications and suspicions, it’s hard to be a soft tip pen.

The best Day of my Life Metophoria – And the trundle is facetious

 But the story doesn't end there.  

Why?

Because of the following conversation:

‘Did you just sneeze’?

‘Yes, why do you ask?’

‘Because I think I just heard you sneeze’.

‘Yes, I gathered. However I am not asking you why did you think I sneezed. I’m asking why did you query whether I sneezed?’

‘Oh I see. Well I was hoping to have my curiosity and suspicion turn into confirmation and knowledge’.

With this simple conversation we have uncovered numerous undeniable truths.

-       Someone may or may not have sneezed.

-       Someone may or may not have asked them about it.

-       Today was the best day of my life.

-       Some people are dicks.

-       Some people have dicks.

-       Todd is an interesting name for a horse.

But the story does not end there.

Why?

Because of the following conclusion to that conversation, which is actually kind of important, because without a satisfying ending then what the hell was the point of typing this up:

‘I can conclude that your curiosity is indeed suspicious’.

‘And with that conclusion you now have knowledge’.

‘How so?’

‘For it is upon concluding something that one can confirm its termination’.

‘I don't believe that to be incontrovertibly true’.

‘Perhaps not. However it does sound like something that might be true. Am I correct?’

‘I suppose that is something I can agree upon’.

‘Well if it sounds like it might be true how do you know it to not be true?’

‘I never claimed to know it to not be true. Merely that I can't say that for certain, and therefore you cannot say it is for sure not correct’.

‘Ah, but answer this. If you cannot answer it, but also cannot disrepute it, then is it not true that you cannot unravel the mystery behind it’s creation?’

‘Well to be perfectly honest, I don’t know what the fuck is going on anymore, am I the one who sneezed or are you?’

‘Exactly’.

‘Oh oh oh oh, fuck yeah! I understand’.

‘Or do you…’

Aren’t satisfying endings like super satisfying!

With this simple satisfying supposition we have uncovered numerous undeniable truths.

-       Someone may or may not have sneezed.

-       Someone may or may not have asked them about it.

-       Dave felt like using the computers thesaurus feature today.

-       Some people are vaginas.

-       Some people like vaginas.

-       Musky is an interesting smell for a client roster.

‘Or do you…’

A beautiful life lesson

This morning I helped save a toddlers life who'd fallen in the gap between the train and platform. 

Thirty mins later I was standing at the lights and accidentally farted in baby in a strollers face. 

You got to balance your karma people 

The breath of fresh air of the Best day of my existence – Clandestinely does it

 I like to think that if I discovered today that I'd secretly grown a third lung the following would go through my head:

- You're supposed to have two lungs right? Or is it two kidneys and one lung?
- Ok I've looked it up, you are supposed to have two, and one kidney, plus something called a gallbladder, ewwww.
- Wait you're supposed to have two, but I just found out I've got three, holy shit, that's horrible!
- Wait unless that makes me super human, wow, they could call me lung man, and I'd be called to save the world every time there was a world wide emergency involving, um, too much oxygen!
- Yes, that's awesome, and I'd be beloved around the world! Finally. I've been waiting all day to achieve that.
- Then I could totally wear a huge L on my chest! Finally. I've been dreaming of that since I first heard the word 'languid'.
- But wait.
- Oh no
- No no no no no no no.

- No no.

- No no no no.
- I 'secretly' grew the third lung?
- Secret from whom? It's a conspiracy damn it. A dirty, low down, smelly, tasteless, like not 100% tasteless, but just bland and in need of some sort of spice, paprika perhaps, depending on who you were rooting for in the spice wars of the subcontinent, uppity, pretentious fucking conspiracy. And I want to know who started it? Who inspired it? Did that person get given credit as a muse? Where did it start? And why the fuck was I brought into the mix? Do they know something I don’t know? A secret perhaps? No no no no no. Not MORE secrets! Somebody please tell me what’s going on? Where am I? Did the person, tribe or historical event that this place was named after get given credit as a muse? And who even won the spice wars of the subcontinent? I don’t think most people know the answer to that! That means we are doomed to repeat history!! DOOOMED! What will happen to all the Chicken Vindaloo now?

- Wait, Chicken Vindaloo is a thing right?

But I didn’t discoverer today that I'd secretly grown a third lung, which is why it was the best day of my life. Oh also cause I watched an awesome win by the Aussies in the soccer, probably got cast in a play, and ate some delicious ice-cream. But yeah, the highlight was the lung thing.

What did you not find out that you secretly didn’t have today?

The Finest Day of my being – and I hope

Alright, I’ve debated with myself long enough. I am just going to talk about it, because it’s on my mind, and that’s enough of a reason.

I was at a comedy gig this evening and walking back to my car. Upon the way I ran into a kitty on the street. If me sees me a kitty me says hello to that kitty, that’s the way I do things. Because I am an awesome human being.

Little known fact: Awesome human being = person who says hello to kitties.

And that’s an equal sign up there, which makes that math, and math is irrefutable. And irrefutable is an awesome word. Like say if I write another novel any time soon, and I call it ‘The Irrefutable License of Cleavability’ it would definitely sell a million copies. Even if people don’t know what the fuck ‘cleavability’ means, because the title has the word irrefutable in it, and that’s yet another irrefutable fact.

Oh fuck. I am going to have to write that novel now. It’s too good a title to miss out on. I already have so many projects, damn my epic ability to come up with awesome titles.

Back to the kitty. So I stopped and said hello to the kitty, and the kitty came up to me to say hello back, because all kitties love me as they can sense with kitty intuition that I have a great loving heart, and are their friends.

Little known fact: Kitty intuition is the most accurate measuring tool of loving hearts in the known universe. It’s even more powerful than math!

I played with the kitty for a minute or twelve, and then decided I should walk away before we became too attached to each other. It tried to follow me for a little bit, and my heart broke a little bit, but I pressed on.

Note to self: Keep the playing with street cats down to eleven minutes next time, twelve is too dangerous on the love front.

I got in my car and began to drive home, but for some reason I didn’t feel like going home yet. I still wanted to get some exercise tonight, and I thought why not go for my evening walk in the area I was currently in, rather than driving home. So I parked and walked.

Eventually, a long way from where I saw the kitty, a good few miles/ kilometers, I saw a ‘missing cat’ sign. The missing cat looked very familiar. But it was a black and white photo, and a long way from the cat I saw, so I didn’t think too much of it, and walked on. But I started to see more of this poster, and I read the description, and googled the breed, and matches kept coming up. So I messaged the number that I may have seen their cat, and gave some info on my exchange and it’s location.

I wish I had a happy ending right now. I don’t have a sad ending either, thankfully. I have no ending. The message I sent is sitting as ‘delivered’ but not ‘read’. I couldn’t help myself and drove back and tried to find the kitty again, but he was nowhere to be found. Lots of other cats were though, so at least it’s a cat friendly area, and hopefully another cat lover can give it some food, and help it find home.

Anyway, that’s why I wasn’t sure if I wanted to write about it. I am worried for the missing kitty, its name is Oliver, but there is nothing I can do. I have no idea if I saw him, or if I got dangerously close to kidnapping someone else’s cat and giving it to the wrong family.

So all I can do is say this – stay safe tonight kitties of the world. If you are missing your families are looking for you, and if they don’t find you and you run into me instead I promise I will say hello and give you a little love.

Yeah, that’ll do for today’s blog.

Ps: Cleavability – the degree of ease which material can be split.

But how did it get a license?

Keep your eye’s out and open for ‘The Irrefutable License of Cleavability’ – in book stores in a couple of years, give or take, it’s irrefutable!