Really Real Really Rad

 It’s fantastical time everyone, the blog where yesterday we discussed unicorns, so you KNOW you’re in the right place. How can you be wrong with unicorns? They’re awesome. 

I mean, of course they are, I mean they’re real, so that’s rad, and real things are almost ALWAYS good, or at least better than non real things, I mean consider these two lists: 

Real things 

• Gophers 
• Gob Stoppers 
• Tom Stoppard 
• Toms brand desks and other home office products, like shelves for example, and some times shelving 
• Shelve Fish 
• Fish sold by size and shape not by breed 
• Breeding halitosis  

Now consider this list 

Not real things 

• Halitosis flavored nicotine gum 
• Gum textured shoes, for times when you want to wear shoes, and kind of wish you could just stick your gum to your feet and call that shoes
• A product that comes in stick form, but then when you’re done with it you then … STICK it to a wall, or under a desk, or to your feet in lieu of shoes! (Stick :) 
• A girl named Lieu who is kind of rad and is your friend 
• The city of Aukland 
• Gob Continuers 

See! 

Well I think we’ve answered this one. In summation. 

• Real stuff is rad 
• So is your friend Lieu 
• Aukland doesn’t exist 

Join us again tomorrow where our topic may, or may not be, Gobs? Should they be stopped or not? It’s about time we found fucking out! 

                                                                Not "real" halitosis 

Short and Smoldering

 Welcome back to the fantastical. 

This is the blog where I just write shit and then sometimes I post it, and sometimes it’s good, and oh wow is it good. 

Like one time I wrote something so good that my computer caught on fire and the only way to put it out was with urine from a unicorns dream about a crab that eats spider dreams, but not for nutrients, but for the pure pleasure of not being just another going sideways, but in sideways way that is also going no where (like up against a wall, or perhaps a very steep hill with a bad surface for grip for beasts that can’t find good hiking boots for their pinchers) crab. And get this, that’s was what that blog was ABOUT so the fire was a Pssst and a satisfying shouldering smell in mere seconds! 

And other times I write shit and it’s even better than that! 

In summation 

• Hell yeah! 
• Fire out but also fire started! 
• Hell yeah! 

Ps. For any crabs reading this, Katmanpinch is the ONLY place I recommend for pincher friendly hiking boots. Plus, seriously, fuck you Pantacrabia, you talk

a big game, but I tell you what’s supposed to pinch crabs pinchers, NOT their boots! 

Crab Food 

Arnold’s Woof - A Poem

Arnold thought “Bingleberry” was a bad name for a dog.

So, naturally, he called his dog “Rocky” instead.

He’s regretted it every day since.

Well at least everyday since the new neighbors moved in

Along with their much bigger, much more athletic, much more charasitmatiic, woofer named…

Creed

Arnold’s wife hasn’t seen those movies, so he has so far kept his discomfort to himself.

She’s also forgotten ever suggesting the name Bingleberry.

So when he sometimes, two pints in, rosy cheeked, and cheeky souled, exclaims maybe Bingleberry isn’t so bad after all?”

She thinks “maybe that was a sex thing we did one day?”

Then she gets confused when he then takes the dog for a walk.

Please Note: Not one person in this story even considered naming their dog Mr T. Sorry dude.

Please note 2: Rocky loves playing with socks, aawwwww.

                                                                            Photo: Mr T 

It's Hippopotumus Day

It’s hippopotamus day here on the Fantastical everyone, so time for yet another run of fun hippopotamus fact funs!

Fun fact funs one: 

If you put a pair of suit pants on a hippopotamus and then take it to the suit shop where you bought the pants, and ask it to pick out a jacket, it will instinctively choose the suit jacket which exactly matches the pants! 

Hell yeah! 

Please note: This only works if both pant and jacket pockets are overflowing with full sized ripe watermelons. 

Please note 2: If you get the inseam of hippos pants even one inch too short it will bite your face off. 

Please note 3: Hippos generally don’t like wearing pants. 

Please note 4: Even in a nice, finally tailored, matching professional business suit, hippos are rarely good at offering sound financial advice. 

Please note 5: Just be sensible with your Hippopotamuses please people, PLEASE! 

Fun Facts Fun Two: 

Some Hippopotamus have teeth! 

Who knew? 

Hell Yeah! 

Photo: A Hippopotamus in pants

And Now The Story Of Chairs And An Unsatisfiable Ass

Rennington Crestonrail had had a storied forty-three year rein as one of the world’s most accomplished and successful master chair makers.

His chairs had won awards, been featured on the cover of Chair Weekly AND Chair Fortnightly (now weekly), and were so magnificent some even had won prized spots in art galleries around the world (causing many an art fan of all ages to ghasp “why the fuck is there a chair here, I thought this was an art gallery for fuck sake”).

Yep Crestonrail was at the absolute top of his profession. Then one day a man named Arnold Bonnybott appeared at his door, with tears streaming down his face…

“Can I help you sir?” asked Rennington politely and with concern.

“I sure do hope so” replied Arnold “you see my dear Rennington, I have travelled, uncomfortably I might add, around the world to see you, for I have a problem, I have never once found a chair that could satisfy my rotund and yet somehow also skeletal posterior, can you help, please?”

A smile came over Rennington’s face. Then he snickered out loud. Then he apologized “of course young man” he added with glee, “there is no ass I can’t satisfy”.

He confidently set to work. First he went into his store room and pulled out examples of some of his finest chairs through the years — The Executive Wingback, The Dancing Klismos, The Rennington Ironback, The Cone Of Desire, The Slingbacked Eames, The Ball Of Sink, The Stone Cold Chaise Lounge, The Deep Throned Bouncer, The Horizontal Leg Based Stool Of Prospect and dozens of others with just as cool sounding names, which I just haven’t mentioned due to time restraints, not because I, your narrator, have run out of names I know, I promise.

Sadly none of these chairs went even close to satisfying Arnold’s Ass.

Unperturbed, inspired even, Rennington went to work, he studied Arnold’s ass, he took tissue samples from his ass flesh, he made three dimensional models of his ass shape, he watched his ass, he looked at his ass, the stared at his ass, Arnolds ass became his obsession, and at the same time prototype after prototype poured out of Renningtons workshops — The Arnold Asserartor, the Wingback Asshelp, The Soft Bottom Ass Softener, The Arnoldassfix, The Magnificant Bottomasser, The Flinghorned Asscradle, The Asswide AssSoul, The Facefirst Assingnorer, and dozens of others, which also had great names, most of which included the word “ass” in them, and which again I am only not saying due to time restraints, I can name ass chairs till the cows come home, watch this Cowhide Asschair, see I know them ALL.

Yet, time and time again, Arnold would sit, he’d slump, he’d lay, he’d shift his weight, he’d wriggle his ass, and yet his ass would remain completely unsatisfied.

No longer unperturbed, and instead SUPER perturbed, Rennington turned to history. He turned to the masters of the craft over the centuries of the chair.

Masters like The Baron Von Chairingon, Lumber Horks iii, Hurst Le Hozidavert, and even the original master Svenson Chairsoot, “all hail his name, his legend speaks for itself” Rennington said out loud as he lit candles around his great shrine in the outskirts of Uppsala Sweden — it had of course been Chairsoots early stools that allowed the Vikings to sit down on voyages and ultimately made them much calmer, ultimately resulting in the more reserved and regal Scandinavians we know today.

“If he could tame the ass of great hordes of savage Vikings, then surely I can find a way to calm the ass of my own disgruntled Arnold” he said trying to motivate himself, but records of the event later revealed it to be a cry for help. (All activity near the shrine is recorded to try and prevent ravenous fans breaking in and sitting on the great Stool Of Forever which is the centerpiece of the shrine and said to hold the souls of thousands of satisfied Viking ass cheeks — some say if you sit on the shrine you can opposite fart Viking souls into your own ass cheeks, others say if you get within a foot of it a guard dog will have removed both you ass cheeks faster than a cloud dissolves in a gluttonous volcano).

Still no answers came Rennington’s way (he did get to see a punk kids ass chewed off by a couple of German Shepard’s though — he had dedicated his life to ass care, but he still found it really funny).

He was no longer super perturbed, he was more perturbed than King Perturb of the Purturb Family, and this only made Rennington MORE perturbed, when he remembered that the Perturb family throne was renowned around the Purturban region of East Purturbia as the best throne in the WHOLE castle — a contract Rennington himself had lost out on to his great rival Roger Laz-E-Boy.

Rennington broke at that moment. He offered Arnold his money back, but Arnold reminded him that he’d never actually paid him anything, and upon consultation with his accountant he was told not only was this true, but his many failed prototypes had left him on the verge of bankrupt.

Upon hearing this devastating news, grasping at straws, Rennington asked his accountant “you’re still happy with the Ergonomic Crestonrail Lavish Contentment Chair I gifted you right?” And the accountant had to tell the truth “actually I switched to an Aeron Chair a few years ago, have you tried one, they’re awesome”.

Later that week Rennington was institutionalized. Some say he is just gathering his thoughts before his big come back, he has plans to turn entire floors into chairs, they say, maybe the entire world into chairs! Others say his chair life is finished.

Definitely Art

What is known for sure though are these three facts:

1. Arnold’s ass is still unsatisfied

2. Rennington has designed some of the best fucking chairs in the history of the world, including, but not limited to — The Cantilever Of Imagination Prospects, The Manchette Excelsior, The Footrest Magnificant, The Meshbacked Goliath, and even the Bean Chair of Baggles.

3. Yep, I told you I could still name cool chair names, consider this narrator INFORMED.

Ps. Why DO they sometimes put chairs in art galleries, they’re just chairs for fooks sake.

One million reasons to say "rad"

Welcome to the fantastical everyone, the blog where I only wear space grade face force fields at home during lightening storms AND where I am on the march to one MILLION total reads. 

That's one MILLION reads. 

(Insert Austin Powers gif here)

As of writing the total is - 999866. 

Which is REALLY close to a million. 

And here is the thing, I'd like to hit the million - why? Because it would be rad. 

In fact it would be rad for a TWO reasons: 

1. If people asked me "has anything rad happen to you lately?" I could answer - "yes". 

2. I could finally laugh in the face of 999 Joe - the local bully who loves to bum cigarettes from people, claims to have heard lots of CDs, and is always waving people down in their cars and then telling them to "watch out for the notorious car wavererer guy" - and when he is challenged about his antics he always replies -

"Well I've got 999 bro, that's why they call me 999 Joe" 

And when people ask - "is that like you're nine hundred and ninety nine at something or something?"

He always get's mad and says - "No, not nine hundred and ninety nine, nine hundred thousand and ninety nine nine nine nine - as in that's how many reads my blog has had pal" 

And when the response is - "shouldn't your name then be '999999 Joe' then"?

He gets all antsy and screams - "NO, WHY DOES EVERYONE SAY THAT- IT'S 999 JOE - THAT'S A COOL NAME, IT ROLLS OFF THE TONGUE, AND SOUNDS COOL"

And when the people then come back with - "Oh sure, if you say so, mr nine hundred and ninety nine blog reads only Joe" 

He then gets FURIOUS and yells - "If I ever see you driving around here I am going to wave you down so hard" 

And then when the people reply - "Oh what, and then tell us to watch out for the scwary mr car waving boy"

He then gets angrier still and yells - "It's WAVERERER GUY ASSHOLE"! 

And you see here's the thing - the REAL asshole, in my opinion, IS -  999 joe. In fact, he might even be a dick. 

So if we can hit the million here - oh boy - are things going to be different next time I clash with 999 Joe. 

Here's how I think it will go down: 

"Hello there, my name is 999 Joe" 

"Nice to see you 999 Joe, my name is 100 Dave plus FOUR more 0's at the end - and those 0's are zeros, not o's, as in "owe", I mean those ones aren't "owe" either, they are just o, like you don't owe me anything, so just to clarify 999 Joe, my name is 100 Dave 0000 - that's a one, and then six zeros total, three digits before my name like you, and then four after for a total of seven numbers total - I've split them up, with the Dave in the middle just for some extra intrigue, and some suspense, and a little pizzaz, but overall the digits when stuck back together make up the number 1000000, which is one MILLION! (Insert Austin Powers Gif here), which means REGARDLESS of whether 999 Joe stands for nine hundred and nintey nine, or nine hundred and ninty nine thousand and nine nine nine blog reads, I HAVE YOU BEAT JOE! SUCK ON THAT!" 

Yep, that's going to be AWESOME. Apart from anything, think of all the time I will save not having to debate his meaning of 999. 

And then think of the things I could do with that time, things such as: 

- Buy a time share 

- Share a pizza with a pizza loving friend

- Friend up a spoon wielding welder 

- Find out WHY he or she wields a spoon

- Ask if he or she is ever worried that they'll ever accidentally weld the spoon to something 

- If the answer is "Yes" follow that question up with a follow up question

- A question like "like what?" 

That's right folks, the million is close, and that means life is about to get interesting, possibly even VERY interesting my friends. 

I mean just think of the things the spoon may end up being welded to:

- A metal chair 

- The metal part of a partly metal chair 

- The chairy part of a partly metal car

- A partly metal car door SMACKING into 999 joe! 

Yep, life is about to get swell. 

PS. If you shorten Million to "Mill" you can make Mill'd stuff! Perhaps like mill'd space grade face force fields?? Woo hoo.  

                                                               999 Joe's current "haunt" 

At Last: The Pinnacle Of The Best Of The Best Ofs – 5 through 1

Pinnacles are hard to reach.

 

This is probably because they always put them up high - pricks – it’s not enough that tall people get the NBA, good views at concerts and the freshest air in the whole dang city, but they also get to be closer to pinnacles!

 

Plus pinnacles are often pointy - like a spear! What, are we gambling on which side of the neck the pointy bit will come out of when we swallow it? Cause I already lost my shirt on a round of that last Sunday.

 

Also, for some reason, they often put pinnacles in cold spots like the top of ridiculously tall mountains - um dude, I don’t even have a shirt anymore - I can’t ascend to there, I’ll get chilly!

 

If it sounds bleak - it’s because of this – it sometimes IS bleak.

 

Luckily, however, sometimes instead of it “IS” being bleak, it’s instead “NOT” bleak. Because luckily, some pinnacles aren’t earned with sweat, nor with tears, nor with badass icepick axes and three frostbitten black toes - but rather with SKILL.

 

“What skill?” I hear you ask. And I’ll answer it this way – the BEST skill.

 

That’s right, I am talking the skill of - the ability to put together a fucking swell quality Best Of The Year list at the end of a particular year, or sometimes early on during the subsequent year.

 

And this is most certainly the case with every member of our top 5 of the best of the best of lists for the end of the year of 2021, or early on in the subsequent year, in list form.

 

That’s right, here at Ok, Intriguing: Dang Yeah! The Fleeting Forever Expansion Fantastical, and only RIGHT here, each year we go through every single Best of List, listed by every media outlet out there, be they a newspaper, TV show, radio show DJ, nightclub DJ, Day Club DJ, Day Club DJ Booker, Handle Bar Mustache Club, Book Club DJ Sponsor, Social Media Devotee, Magazine, Mustache Sponsor Club, Hornets Nest where the hornets have developed the ability to both write, and make lists, and even  Newsletters. 

And once we have combed through each and every one of these lists, we can bring to you – the Best Of The Best of Lists, list. 

 

Are the lists on this list brilliant?

Are you kidding, we saw lists this year that were brilliant that didn’t even make our top 500, let alone reach the pinnacle.

Do the ones that DID make the list have pinnacles?

Hell no, we don’t even acknowledge the existence of pinnacles, unless you’re talking metaphorical ones, in which case these lists on the list have pinnacles in SPADES!

 

Now that’s my kind of pinnacles.

 

Without further adieu – here they are – your TOP five of 2021’s best of the Best Of Lists in list form.

 

 

Number Five

 

This Year’s Best Non Yacht Boats

 

By

 

Boats That Aren’t Yachts (take that yachts, and all your yacht magazines. Now WE are pretending YOU don’t even exist - how does it feel? Not so comphy in your Danish designed, Norwegian wooded, captain’s quarters with satellite tv, cold beer in the fridge, and Finnish sex partner, now is it? Ha ha. Sucked in) Magazine - or as it’s Colloquially known - Sucked In Mag - a title that was well loved and enjoyed with great humor for many decades, until several of the writers had their own non yacht boats sucked into a whirlpool and eaten by the Great North Sea’s resident Krolån Spog Un Fragulaåskan (translation - Sea Monster, although a more literal translation would be “Under Dark Water Tooth Angry Fear Machine Wart Face”).

 

They truly had some great non-yacht boats this year – my favorite (although it only finished 3^rd) a bathtub someone hilariously tried to row to Klurghaåan Island (ha ha, yeah right, with the rocks on THAT shoreline – am I right?).

 

Number Four 

 

The Similes We Smiled At This Year

 

By

 

The Simile Smiles Academic Journal 

 

Dude, we saw this list get mocked relentlessly on social media. “Stick to more traditional academics”, people said, “I misread this, I thought it said smiles smiles, still YOUR stupid”, was hurled, “Journals are for writing out your thoughts and feelings about the day jackass”, was a common insult.

 

Well we contacted every one of these naysayers, and we didn’t insult them back, we didn’t argue, we didn’t even disagree – we merely asked “but did the Similes on their list make you smile” and one hundred percent of them said “yes” or “fuck off”. Now THAT’s a badass, polarizing, thought provoking, conversation starting list. As ALL academic journals should be. Well Done!

 

Number Three

 

And speaking of insults, it’s….

 

Top Insults Of The Year About Our No Longer Accurate Title

 

 By

 

The Happy Hour Radio Show On XTCY Cincinnati, 92.2,  In The Mornings - Now THREE Hours

 

Some highlights –

 

“Seriously, three hours? But the show has ‘hour’ singular in the title!”

“You lying sons of bitches, what’s next, you’re not even on the radio anymore?”

“I’ve just been told that your show is also available in podcast form, that’s NOT the radio – when will the lying END!”

“Speaking of bitches, I have a dog, but you sir take the cake, my dog can’t have any because the cake has chocolate”. And

“I missed my wife’s grooming session and my dogs pedicure cause they said come in an hour, so I listened to the happy hour, and my wife comes home, apparently three hours had gone by, felt like one.”

 

BURRRRRN.

 

Number Two

 

Tik Tok has really taken off in the last year, so it’s no surprise we have a Tik Toker for the first time ever this year. But how do you pick just one Tik Toker, and just one best of list from them?

 

Well it’s easy when you discover…

 

My Top Regrets From 2021

 

By

 

Joanna The Spanner

 

If you don’t know the account, get ready to laugh; Johanna is a spanner wielding licensed plumber – and for Tik Tok content she sneaks into men’s public bathrooms, rigs the toilets to explode, and then when the poor men who accidentally flush her rigged toilets walk out wet – she films them and puts it on Tik Tok. Hi(fucking)larious.

Well Joanna is not just hi(fucking)larious, she also has a heart - whether it is her regular activism for plumbers to not be called “toilet jackers” anymore, to the many times she’s rescued a still alive flushed pet fish by jacking the toilet so hard she brings them right back, or on her now award winning list My Regrets Of 2021, when she admitted that occasionally when a guy comes out of the bathroom just completely covered in turds, that sometimes she feels almost bad enough not to post the video!

 

Fuck man – there was not one dry eye in the whole fucking house when I saw that video - and not from toilet water lol! Hi(fucking)larious.

 

(Ps. That last joke was my joke not hers, just in case there are any casting agents reading this thinking about hiring her based on that joke / I’m sure she wouldn’t want to take credit it for it, so I’m just sparing her the embarrassment of having to credit me, not that crediting me is inherently embarrassing- some find it rather fetching in fact - one lady once told me that crediting me was the honor of her whole hour - which I personally found enchanting until I discovered just how haphazard she was with what she considered an “hour” fucker).

 

Number One

 

And Speaking Of Toilets… it’s time for YOUR number One! That’s right, with a remarkable THIRD win in just twenty-two years in the game, it’s…

 

Bathroom graffiti artist and frequent pee boy- Fredirocko Bagone - and his whimsical, meta and downright poetic work at the Christchurch Westfield mall’s, level 2 East Wing Mens Toilet - Cubicle 6

 

And His

 

Top 4 Pairs Of Pants Left In This Cubicle In 2021

 

Number one on HIS list - bike shorts!

 

Oh my god, you’ve not just done the best best of list of the year, but you’ve also REDEFINED what this journalist thinks the boundary between pants and underwear is.

 

This wasn’t just a list - this was a movement - this was a manifesto - THIS was a REVOLUTION! This was this years PINNACLE best of list!

 

Plus, get this, Fredirocko is only 5 foot 4 – pinnacles are officially finally for everyone!

 

Cue your favorite celebration song in your head right now!

 

 

In summation

 

 

Thanks for joining us for another exciting list of the best of the best of lists.

 

A reminder that this was just OUR choices, and there are brilliant lists all over our short listed top 500. Brilliance was just not good enough to guarantee a top ten this year.

 

If there was a list you think we missed add it in the comments.

 

Want us to list the entire top 500? Just ask me in the comments; I might just be stupid enough to try. 

The hunt for The Krolån Spog Un Fragulaåskan Sea Monster is ongoing. Get on it people, there is a 2000kr prize! 

But we recommend NOT hunting for it in a BATH row boat!

Hi(fucking)larious!

(Again, just for the casting agents, that was my joke, NOT the Sea Monsters!)

                                                         Klurghaåan Island