Gob - A Poem

“Why don’t you shut your gob”

Yelled a heckler, at a man on a tram, on a phone call trying to talk to his bank to cancel his recently stolen credit card. 

“Maybe I will” he muttered to himself under his breath, once he was put on hold, once again. 

“I’ll probably starve to death in about a week” he pondering inaudibly.

“I bet you’d feel real bad then, wouldn’t you” he grumbled quietly, yet triumphantly. 

“Well I won THAT one” he said to himself with a smile when he got off the tram. 

It was the highlight of his week.

The end 

Note: An alternative version of this fictional story went like this 

So he did shut his gob. 

Permanently. 

About a week later he was delirious with hunger, and slowly fading towards the end. 

“I bet that heckler feels real bad about now” he muttered out loud triumphantly. 

Although, if he was really honest with himself, it was probably the credit card thief he was more annoyed with. 

Later a neighborhood rat ate the pinky toe off his corpse. 

Conclusion: 

Poetry sure can be bleak! 

Note 2: In no version of this poem did the man ever not get put on hold by his bank. 

Conclusion: 

Poetry sure can be bleak. 

Join us again tomorrow, where the topic may or may not be - Is Poetry Bleak sometimes? 

Wait, no that won’t be the topic, we’ve already established that. It IS bleak sometimes! 

We’ve concluded that TRIUMPHANTLY! 

Oooh, that means the topic is WIDE OPEN - exciting! Woo hoo! 

The Promised Gob Promise

Welcome back to the fantastical everyone, the blog where we make the world more fantastical every day by exploring things are that awesome, rad and/ or ace.

Todays topic - as promised - finally - GOBS! 

Gobs? Did you say gobs? What the fuck are gobs? I hear you ask. 

They are your mouth I think. 

As in "shut your gob", and "stick this sock is your gob and tell me you can still whistle a happy nursery rhyme", or "your gob is full of teeth and it’s a big fat gob and your tongue is has got bumps all over it, what are they, I sand my tongue down to a smooth lacquer every morning so I don’t know, also holy hell, why didn’t some one say this can I am drinking from says paint on it, I thought I was drinking a delicious mug of cold sticky blended leaf chunks, not this vile paint, oh I wish I could taste, I guess if I eventually sand my tongue down to nice clothes peg, I’ll be able to peg recipes to it so my tongue can start to read up about what I want from it, I might have to give it some eyes too, anyone have a fish head they don’t want, also your gob looks weird, with it all upturned and beaming joy, I hate your gob" to name several well known sayings about gobs, that mean gob as in mouth. 

So yeah, I think we all know what a gob is. Question is though, should they be stopped? 

Well consider these things people have said before: 

• over there is good 
• I like it, I guess 
• Small, ok fine small, if that’s what the receipt says then I guess that’s the button I pressed. 
• Who’s that’s 
• That’s Kevin 
• Oh nice to meet you Kevin

All BRILLIANT things that have been said before, and have enriched lives, especially Kevin's life, he ended up getting a job from that other person, a GOOD one! Hell yeah! 

Now consider these things that have never been said by anyone ever: 

• Scorn is flunged hertherwear for joust!  
• Plunked porbs are saliving free! 
• I for one like (insert something you don’t think ANYONE could like here)!

All statements that also would have been brilliant, had they been said, especially for Kevin, he’s been desperately seeking saliving free porbs, it would get him out of that shitty job he's been stuck in all these years.  

So I think we’ve answered this one. Gobs clearly should NOT be stopped.  

Let the gobs run free, freeeeee! 

Ps. I just realized that you can put gob stoppers in your mouth, which are delicious! 

What do we want 

Gobs stopped 

When do we want it 

Something something topped! 

An artists impression of Porb

                                                                        

Really Real Really Rad

 It’s fantastical time everyone, the blog where yesterday we discussed unicorns, so you KNOW you’re in the right place. How can you be wrong with unicorns? They’re awesome. 

I mean, of course they are, I mean they’re real, so that’s rad, and real things are almost ALWAYS good, or at least better than non real things, I mean consider these two lists: 

Real things 

• Gophers 
• Gob Stoppers 
• Tom Stoppard 
• Toms brand desks and other home office products, like shelves for example, and some times shelving 
• Shelve Fish 
• Fish sold by size and shape not by breed 
• Breeding halitosis  

Now consider this list 

Not real things 

• Halitosis flavored nicotine gum 
• Gum textured shoes, for times when you want to wear shoes, and kind of wish you could just stick your gum to your feet and call that shoes
• A product that comes in stick form, but then when you’re done with it you then … STICK it to a wall, or under a desk, or to your feet in lieu of shoes! (Stick :) 
• A girl named Lieu who is kind of rad and is your friend 
• The city of Aukland 
• Gob Continuers 

See! 

Well I think we’ve answered this one. In summation. 

• Real stuff is rad 
• So is your friend Lieu 
• Aukland doesn’t exist 

Join us again tomorrow where our topic may, or may not be, Gobs? Should they be stopped or not? It’s about time we found fucking out! 

                                                                Not "real" halitosis 

Short and Smoldering

 Welcome back to the fantastical. 

This is the blog where I just write shit and then sometimes I post it, and sometimes it’s good, and oh wow is it good. 

Like one time I wrote something so good that my computer caught on fire and the only way to put it out was with urine from a unicorns dream about a crab that eats spider dreams, but not for nutrients, but for the pure pleasure of not being just another going sideways, but in sideways way that is also going no where (like up against a wall, or perhaps a very steep hill with a bad surface for grip for beasts that can’t find good hiking boots for their pinchers) crab. And get this, that’s was what that blog was ABOUT so the fire was a Pssst and a satisfying shouldering smell in mere seconds! 

And other times I write shit and it’s even better than that! 

In summation 

• Hell yeah! 
• Fire out but also fire started! 
• Hell yeah! 

Ps. For any crabs reading this, Katmanpinch is the ONLY place I recommend for pincher friendly hiking boots. Plus, seriously, fuck you Pantacrabia, you talk

a big game, but I tell you what’s supposed to pinch crabs pinchers, NOT their boots! 

Crab Food 

Arnold’s Woof - A Poem

Arnold thought “Bingleberry” was a bad name for a dog.

So, naturally, he called his dog “Rocky” instead.

He’s regretted it every day since.

Well at least everyday since the new neighbors moved in

Along with their much bigger, much more athletic, much more charasitmatiic, woofer named…

Creed

Arnold’s wife hasn’t seen those movies, so he has so far kept his discomfort to himself.

She’s also forgotten ever suggesting the name Bingleberry.

So when he sometimes, two pints in, rosy cheeked, and cheeky souled, exclaims maybe Bingleberry isn’t so bad after all?”

She thinks “maybe that was a sex thing we did one day?”

Then she gets confused when he then takes the dog for a walk.

Please Note: Not one person in this story even considered naming their dog Mr T. Sorry dude.

Please note 2: Rocky loves playing with socks, aawwwww.

                                                                            Photo: Mr T 

It's Hippopotumus Day

It’s hippopotamus day here on the Fantastical everyone, so time for yet another run of fun hippopotamus fact funs!

Fun fact funs one: 

If you put a pair of suit pants on a hippopotamus and then take it to the suit shop where you bought the pants, and ask it to pick out a jacket, it will instinctively choose the suit jacket which exactly matches the pants! 

Hell yeah! 

Please note: This only works if both pant and jacket pockets are overflowing with full sized ripe watermelons. 

Please note 2: If you get the inseam of hippos pants even one inch too short it will bite your face off. 

Please note 3: Hippos generally don’t like wearing pants. 

Please note 4: Even in a nice, finally tailored, matching professional business suit, hippos are rarely good at offering sound financial advice. 

Please note 5: Just be sensible with your Hippopotamuses please people, PLEASE! 

Fun Facts Fun Two: 

Some Hippopotamus have teeth! 

Who knew? 

Hell Yeah! 

Photo: A Hippopotamus in pants

And Now The Story Of Chairs And An Unsatisfiable Ass

Rennington Crestonrail had had a storied forty-three year rein as one of the world’s most accomplished and successful master chair makers.

His chairs had won awards, been featured on the cover of Chair Weekly AND Chair Fortnightly (now weekly), and were so magnificent some even had won prized spots in art galleries around the world (causing many an art fan of all ages to ghasp “why the fuck is there a chair here, I thought this was an art gallery for fuck sake”).

Yep Crestonrail was at the absolute top of his profession. Then one day a man named Arnold Bonnybott appeared at his door, with tears streaming down his face…

“Can I help you sir?” asked Rennington politely and with concern.

“I sure do hope so” replied Arnold “you see my dear Rennington, I have travelled, uncomfortably I might add, around the world to see you, for I have a problem, I have never once found a chair that could satisfy my rotund and yet somehow also skeletal posterior, can you help, please?”

A smile came over Rennington’s face. Then he snickered out loud. Then he apologized “of course young man” he added with glee, “there is no ass I can’t satisfy”.

He confidently set to work. First he went into his store room and pulled out examples of some of his finest chairs through the years — The Executive Wingback, The Dancing Klismos, The Rennington Ironback, The Cone Of Desire, The Slingbacked Eames, The Ball Of Sink, The Stone Cold Chaise Lounge, The Deep Throned Bouncer, The Horizontal Leg Based Stool Of Prospect and dozens of others with just as cool sounding names, which I just haven’t mentioned due to time restraints, not because I, your narrator, have run out of names I know, I promise.

Sadly none of these chairs went even close to satisfying Arnold’s Ass.

Unperturbed, inspired even, Rennington went to work, he studied Arnold’s ass, he took tissue samples from his ass flesh, he made three dimensional models of his ass shape, he watched his ass, he looked at his ass, the stared at his ass, Arnolds ass became his obsession, and at the same time prototype after prototype poured out of Renningtons workshops — The Arnold Asserartor, the Wingback Asshelp, The Soft Bottom Ass Softener, The Arnoldassfix, The Magnificant Bottomasser, The Flinghorned Asscradle, The Asswide AssSoul, The Facefirst Assingnorer, and dozens of others, which also had great names, most of which included the word “ass” in them, and which again I am only not saying due to time restraints, I can name ass chairs till the cows come home, watch this Cowhide Asschair, see I know them ALL.

Yet, time and time again, Arnold would sit, he’d slump, he’d lay, he’d shift his weight, he’d wriggle his ass, and yet his ass would remain completely unsatisfied.

No longer unperturbed, and instead SUPER perturbed, Rennington turned to history. He turned to the masters of the craft over the centuries of the chair.

Masters like The Baron Von Chairingon, Lumber Horks iii, Hurst Le Hozidavert, and even the original master Svenson Chairsoot, “all hail his name, his legend speaks for itself” Rennington said out loud as he lit candles around his great shrine in the outskirts of Uppsala Sweden — it had of course been Chairsoots early stools that allowed the Vikings to sit down on voyages and ultimately made them much calmer, ultimately resulting in the more reserved and regal Scandinavians we know today.

“If he could tame the ass of great hordes of savage Vikings, then surely I can find a way to calm the ass of my own disgruntled Arnold” he said trying to motivate himself, but records of the event later revealed it to be a cry for help. (All activity near the shrine is recorded to try and prevent ravenous fans breaking in and sitting on the great Stool Of Forever which is the centerpiece of the shrine and said to hold the souls of thousands of satisfied Viking ass cheeks — some say if you sit on the shrine you can opposite fart Viking souls into your own ass cheeks, others say if you get within a foot of it a guard dog will have removed both you ass cheeks faster than a cloud dissolves in a gluttonous volcano).

Still no answers came Rennington’s way (he did get to see a punk kids ass chewed off by a couple of German Shepard’s though — he had dedicated his life to ass care, but he still found it really funny).

He was no longer super perturbed, he was more perturbed than King Perturb of the Purturb Family, and this only made Rennington MORE perturbed, when he remembered that the Perturb family throne was renowned around the Purturban region of East Purturbia as the best throne in the WHOLE castle — a contract Rennington himself had lost out on to his great rival Roger Laz-E-Boy.

Rennington broke at that moment. He offered Arnold his money back, but Arnold reminded him that he’d never actually paid him anything, and upon consultation with his accountant he was told not only was this true, but his many failed prototypes had left him on the verge of bankrupt.

Upon hearing this devastating news, grasping at straws, Rennington asked his accountant “you’re still happy with the Ergonomic Crestonrail Lavish Contentment Chair I gifted you right?” And the accountant had to tell the truth “actually I switched to an Aeron Chair a few years ago, have you tried one, they’re awesome”.

Later that week Rennington was institutionalized. Some say he is just gathering his thoughts before his big come back, he has plans to turn entire floors into chairs, they say, maybe the entire world into chairs! Others say his chair life is finished.

Definitely Art

What is known for sure though are these three facts:

1. Arnold’s ass is still unsatisfied

2. Rennington has designed some of the best fucking chairs in the history of the world, including, but not limited to — The Cantilever Of Imagination Prospects, The Manchette Excelsior, The Footrest Magnificant, The Meshbacked Goliath, and even the Bean Chair of Baggles.

3. Yep, I told you I could still name cool chair names, consider this narrator INFORMED.

Ps. Why DO they sometimes put chairs in art galleries, they’re just chairs for fooks sake.

One million reasons to say "rad"

Welcome to the fantastical everyone, the blog where I only wear space grade face force fields at home during lightening storms AND where I am on the march to one MILLION total reads. 

That's one MILLION reads. 

(Insert Austin Powers gif here)

As of writing the total is - 999866. 

Which is REALLY close to a million. 

And here is the thing, I'd like to hit the million - why? Because it would be rad. 

In fact it would be rad for a TWO reasons: 

1. If people asked me "has anything rad happen to you lately?" I could answer - "yes". 

2. I could finally laugh in the face of 999 Joe - the local bully who loves to bum cigarettes from people, claims to have heard lots of CDs, and is always waving people down in their cars and then telling them to "watch out for the notorious car wavererer guy" - and when he is challenged about his antics he always replies -

"Well I've got 999 bro, that's why they call me 999 Joe" 

And when people ask - "is that like you're nine hundred and ninety nine at something or something?"

He always get's mad and says - "No, not nine hundred and ninety nine, nine hundred thousand and ninety nine nine nine nine - as in that's how many reads my blog has had pal" 

And when the response is - "shouldn't your name then be '999999 Joe' then"?

He gets all antsy and screams - "NO, WHY DOES EVERYONE SAY THAT- IT'S 999 JOE - THAT'S A COOL NAME, IT ROLLS OFF THE TONGUE, AND SOUNDS COOL"

And when the people then come back with - "Oh sure, if you say so, mr nine hundred and ninety nine blog reads only Joe" 

He then gets FURIOUS and yells - "If I ever see you driving around here I am going to wave you down so hard" 

And then when the people reply - "Oh what, and then tell us to watch out for the scwary mr car waving boy"

He then gets angrier still and yells - "It's WAVERERER GUY ASSHOLE"! 

And you see here's the thing - the REAL asshole, in my opinion, IS -  999 joe. In fact, he might even be a dick. 

So if we can hit the million here - oh boy - are things going to be different next time I clash with 999 Joe. 

Here's how I think it will go down: 

"Hello there, my name is 999 Joe" 

"Nice to see you 999 Joe, my name is 100 Dave plus FOUR more 0's at the end - and those 0's are zeros, not o's, as in "owe", I mean those ones aren't "owe" either, they are just o, like you don't owe me anything, so just to clarify 999 Joe, my name is 100 Dave 0000 - that's a one, and then six zeros total, three digits before my name like you, and then four after for a total of seven numbers total - I've split them up, with the Dave in the middle just for some extra intrigue, and some suspense, and a little pizzaz, but overall the digits when stuck back together make up the number 1000000, which is one MILLION! (Insert Austin Powers Gif here), which means REGARDLESS of whether 999 Joe stands for nine hundred and nintey nine, or nine hundred and ninty nine thousand and nine nine nine blog reads, I HAVE YOU BEAT JOE! SUCK ON THAT!" 

Yep, that's going to be AWESOME. Apart from anything, think of all the time I will save not having to debate his meaning of 999. 

And then think of the things I could do with that time, things such as: 

- Buy a time share 

- Share a pizza with a pizza loving friend

- Friend up a spoon wielding welder 

- Find out WHY he or she wields a spoon

- Ask if he or she is ever worried that they'll ever accidentally weld the spoon to something 

- If the answer is "Yes" follow that question up with a follow up question

- A question like "like what?" 

That's right folks, the million is close, and that means life is about to get interesting, possibly even VERY interesting my friends. 

I mean just think of the things the spoon may end up being welded to:

- A metal chair 

- The metal part of a partly metal chair 

- The chairy part of a partly metal car

- A partly metal car door SMACKING into 999 joe! 

Yep, life is about to get swell. 

PS. If you shorten Million to "Mill" you can make Mill'd stuff! Perhaps like mill'd space grade face force fields?? Woo hoo.  

                                                               999 Joe's current "haunt"