Victim mentality

As some of you may know my hotel room was burgled the other day. I don't want to dwell on the negatives though, where is the fun in that? So instead here is a list of the awesomely great things about being robbed:

- My stolen laptop had around 17 unpublished books I've written which will now be exposed to a potential new fan.
- Travel insurance will, I hope, pay for a new one which, I hope, won't be anywhere near as slow as my old one, which is the same thing I regretted hoping last time I got a new laptop.
- That was three uses of hope in one sentence and according to ‘Shawshank Redemption’ 'hope is the best of things'
- The people who did it may OD on the crack they buy with the cash they stole! I hope.
- That’s mean Tim Robbins.
- I've officially been screwed by a 'Hilton' if people want to assume 'Paris' they can.
- The cops accused me of having hookers in my room who then decided to target me - yep, that's right, Toronto cops think I've gotten laid recently!
- My camera stored old photos of my heavily bruised butt - yep I'll soon be an Internet star!
- It was probably an inside job by Hilton employees, so they're going to give me some shit, um, right? Maybe a photo of Paris Hilton’s bruised butt?
- The cops were disgraceful - finally confirming a theory I have - 'some cops are disgraceful'
- I also have a theory that careers always take off immediately after being the victim of a crime - hell yeah!
- Sympathy hugs.
- Any crazy tweets and Facebook updates I do this week can be blamed on another person.
- My new hotel includes breakfast - bacon!
- Um lots and lots of sympathy hugs, I hope.

Wow, don’t you just wish you were robbed this week? If you say no it’s a sign that you are secretly planning on robbing Tim Robbins.

Don't (re) see Avengers till you read this

Here is the first of what may become an Ok, Intriguing regular feature – a review! This one is of a little indie drama called the Avengers. (No spoilers necessary).

The Avengers

Ok, so there is bad man and he is in Germany and in his possession is a little blue box. Samuel L Jackson doesn’t like this at all. He is all like 'blue? BLUE? I had a PURPLE light saber in star wars, so clearly that's a way cooler color than stupid blue!'

He is pissed off man, super pissed, so he calls up all his best friends who all happen to be super badass in some way. These friends include:

The Hulk
Captain America
Captain Cave Man
Black Spider
Alan Alda
Iron Man
The hot girl from ‘How I Met Your Mother’
Donald Trump
The Ghost Busters
Thor and
Scarlet Johansson’s boobs

Samuel L assembles them all into a room and says - 'We must get this box from this bad dude in Germany, it's blue man, BLUE! And no way is that as cool as purple’.

At first all the men don’t want to work as a team, seems when the hot girl from ‘How I Met Your Mother’ and Scarlet Johansson’s boobs are in the room men feel the need to jockey for power in efforts to prove their masculinity. What starts out as mere fisticuffs descends into chaos, before we know it all hell breaks loose!

Captain America is all like 'I'm captain America, let Captain Germany deal with it.'
Donald Trump claims he's way richer than he really is.
The Hulk refuses to say his catch phrase even once.
Alan Alda says 'count me out, in my experience wars seem to go for a long, long time'
Captain Cave Man yells 'you promoted someone else to captain without so much as a phone call? Suck my hairy balls!'

Black Spider is saying ‘Oh, the “human race” is in danger, what about the “huwoman race?” don’t they matter too?’
The Ghost Busters are all like 'we won't do it without Bill Murray and he hasn't agreed on a script yet'
Thor says 'I already scored Natalie Portman, there is nothing left to gain'

Iron Man is super confused ‘If Donald Trump is here, then who am I?’

Things are not looking good. The bad man in Germany looks like he may just be able to enjoy his blue box all on his own. But then, when all looks lost, two voices in perfect harmony rise above the squalor 'listen to us, just do it alright' it is scarlet Johansson’s boobs, and everyone immediately falls in line, and they vow to Avenge that blue box, even if Alan Alda fights for the bad guys for a while. 

From there on out it's actually pretty badass, I’d almost go as far as to say ‘awesome’ and I normally don't like these types of movies.

Final notes: Surprisingly The Hulk is easily the best character, the guy from ‘Goodwill Hunting’ had a better role in ‘Goodwill Hunting’ and the hot girl from ‘How I Met Your Mother’ should have shown more skin.

On the brand new Daverview Scale I give it a 9 out of 13

Avenge this! Bitches…..

That movie The Avengers is breaking all sorts of records, such as:

- Most money on opening weekend earned from people

- Most maniacal laughter let out by a studio head

- Most calls from Scarlett Johansson to her ex-husband Ryan Reynolds gloating that ‘THAT’s how to make a superhero movie!’

-  Most awful future movies getting green lit based on the performance of this movie that will fail in the future only to have studio heads go ‘what’s the deal?’

- Most nerds saying ‘the deal is Scarlet Johansson’s boobs jerk, why would anyone want to see Ryan Reynolds in green lycra?’

- Most times Ryan Reynolds points out he is still getting plenty of beautiful women, so there!

Of course the biggest thing that people SHOULD be talking about is the super hero MISSING from the posters! Yes, the super hero I created fifteen years ago and barely anyone has ever heard about IS NOT ONE OF THE STARS OF THE AVENGERS!

His name is ‘Explosion Man’ and here is episode one (please note the drawing representations of this episode are in a box in my storage room half way around the world in Sydney and I have lost the storage room key, but I am sure your imagination can draw in the visuals yourself).

Panel One: We open on Explosion Man and his Sidekick Cum Boy in their lair that is shaped like a giant pile of poo, looking at a television which is also a pile of poo

Cum Boy: Oh no Explosion Man, teenage hooligans have cleaned the park!

Explosion Man: This is a job for explosion man!

Panel Two: Explosion Man flies to the park, Cum Boy runs along the ground trying to keep up

Cum Boy: (Breathing heavy) I’m coming, I’m coming

Explosion Man: Not yet Cum boy, we’re not at the park yet, and the park has been cleaned by teenage hooligans, so keep up, they need us!

Panel Three: At the Park

Cum Boy: Ewwww gross, it’s so clean!

Explosion Man: Look at the sparkles! It’s sickening! BUT I’LL TAKE CARE OF IT.

Panel Four: Explosion man bends over and does explosive diarrhea everywhere!

Panel Five: Kids standing by 'yaaaaaay' 'thanks Explosion Man!'

Panel Six: Explosion man and Cum Boy stand in a beautiful diarrhea covered park.

Explosion Man: Once again the world is covered in beautiful shit as it is supposed to, but for how long.

Cum Boy: I don’t know, but hopefully long enough for me to cum!

All: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

In the next edition of Explosion Man, Explosion Man meets his ultimate foe - Mary Maid, Cum Boy finally learns to harness his powers into the ability to fly and those teenage hooligans keep cleaning stuff! Will Explosion Man have enough explosive diarrhea for it all? We can only hope.

THE END

Yay. And Explosion Man is NOT one of the stars of The Avengers. What the hell?

And now my review of Avengers origin movie – Thor: The Dude with the Hammer.

 In the opening scenes Thor is an arrogant dickhead and I really wanted him dead!

Then Thor gets banished to earth where he loses his powers and he becomes an arrogant dickhead who is also now a moron and I really want him dead!

Then I fell asleep for an hour or so and when I woke up I become aware that whatever has happened in the last hour is supposed to make me want Thor to get his powers back AND score with Natalie Portman. I disagree with the filmmakers on these points so intensely I now want them dead!

Coming Soon (perhaps tomorrow, depending if the laundry room in this hotel is free next time I go check, something about thinking about Explosion Man is making me want access to clean underwear) I will give my review of The Avengers - here is hoping for at least a cameo for Explosion Man (but not Cum Boy, he’s gross).

Love – an instructional video - transcript

(Look directly into camera one. Big smile with lots of teeth. If you haven’t flossed quickly go do it now)

“Hello lovers, lovers of lovers, lovers of the loveless, and perverts. Thanks for purchasing this video. By the time you have reached the end of this video, assuming that you complete all of the exercises, you will be in love. Congratulations!”

(Sell final sentence with a performance of a mild fist pump)

“First off let me say that I understand your pain”.

(Frown to prove it, if you can squeeze out a tear)

“And no, I am not suggesting that you have been sexually assaulted by John Travolta, although if you have then I do not understand your pain, and this is not the video for you”.

(If you still have a tear on your cheek swipe it away now, don’t make it too obvious, you don’t want to have your tears connected to love video’s competition)

“I recommend you return this video and ask for ‘I have been sexually assaulted by John Travolta Volumes 1 through 7’ or else the competing videos ‘Show me where John Travolta touched you the box set’”

(Turn to Camera two, look alluring, we’re back to selling your video now, sell it damn it, sell it)

“In my line of business I hear all sorts of complaints from those who do not know how to love and/or be loved. The most regular complaint is of course:

‘He/she doesn’t always understand what I want!’

I asked my patients how they would typically respond to this complaint, and the answers were enlightening:

-       If he doesn't respond I'll volunteer him.

-       Sounds like a lot of walking!

-       Oh lord, need another glass of wine....

-       Fire pit? You mean the portal to hell that my ex-girlfriend has? Yes, that's a given.

-       Quesadillas, definitely quesadillas

-       Okay, I'll do the required work for putting people in the stretchers - but if they go over the required weight limit, I want hazard pay. Just saying...

-       You mean the garage around the corner? Prime property your uncle has.

-       Hmmm, me thinks I may have some teaching to give

-       Oh! Mars bars are like a religion, and they fried it!!! Where is the decency, honour???? Lordy, lordy, lordy!”

(Turn back to camera one, you have just proven how much wisdom your patients have earned, the audience is yours, look proud and confident)

“Yes, if you do the following three exercises you will also have this much insight!”

(Big smile, yeah right as if you need to be TOLD to smile now)

The exercises are:

1.     " Dual use "

Some people find this the easiest challenge. It is quite simple. Roll around in dirt, and then go up to a table of strangers in a top class restaurant and ask them if they would like any peanuts, when they look at you funny yell  “Wait, wait...am I getting minimum wage for this?” As the security begins to drag you away scream relentlessly “The location "was" secret. Now we have to move. Damn You, Damn you to Hell”

Now you know how to be spontaneous.

     2. "Stretcher Fetcher"

Some people find this the easiest challenge. It is quite simple. About two hours ago there was a man in front of a diner covered in blood screaming at the 'coward' who had just punched him in the face.

Find that diner, they have great desserts.

Eat one of them.

You now understand how to be a sweety.

3. “Your position sound alright?”

Some people find this the easiest challenge. They’re idiots it’s actually super hard.

Simply volunteer at your uncle's sweatshop for prospect work. If your uncle doesn’t currently own or run a sweatshop then you need to ask yourself the following questions

-       Did my grandparents fuck up somewhere?

-       Do we need someone to volunteer to 'put' people in stretchers?

-       Did we find the atmosphere required?

-       Yeah yeah...that's the ticket?

-       Can I play with someone's cool brother one day?

-       Exit stage right?Bottom of

-       Can we hire someone to patrol the roads for protein?

-       Can't we have irons without the fire pit, you know the little buggers are going to want to use their new toys?

-       Do those come with two plates for convenience?

-       What's Duck Dynasty? I must know more!

-       That's when they will be trying to get inside the armour?

If you answered yes to the majority of the questions then your uncle has now started a sweatshop. If you answered no to the majority of questions then start one yourself you lazy bastard. If you answered yes to around half of the questions and no to around half the questions then clearly you don’t have an uncle so of course you have to start the sweatshop yourself. Regardless you now work for a sweatshop – awesome! This could be HUGE!

Now watch how your four and five year old slaves respond to your "valued work space!” They enjoy it don’t they?

You now understand the value of handwork”.

(Look wherever you want, the viewers aren’t watching anymore, they’re too busy looking into their new lover’s eyes).

“Hey attention, hey hey! LOOK AWAY FROM YOUR LOVER’S EYES FOR A MOMENT, WE NEED TO SUM UP HERE”

(You’re going to have keep yelling as they are distracted by their lovers, but you really do need to sum up, still don’t look frustrated, just smile cheekily, like as if you’re happy for them)

“Yes, I know. Learn to be Spontaneous, to be sweet and the value of hard work, and then lovers will just flock to you.  And assuming you completed the above challenges in their full you are now in love. Awwwwww. Tell us about him or her? Do they have a younger sister? Hook me up you bastards, I helped you!

(Careful not to allow jealousy to come into it, they don’t know about the flaw yet)

“One last thing, regardless of whether you consider this to be the best video you have ever watched or something better than this, you must never, ever, ever read the transcript of this video, if you know the secrets of the manipulations the host performs then you’ll never find love. Your host (that’s you), by agreeing to participate in the making of this video, has now destined him or herself to an inability to ever find love.

Wait. What? I’m not reading that?

What do you mean it’s too late? You said I’d be home by midnight.

Fuck you!

No, I will not finish.

I am going to call the cops on you

Yes they will help, and if they don’t I’ll call the FBI, homeland security, the CIA whoever it takes! There is going to be a manhunt out for you, you bastards.

Put that gun down, please, please I am begging you

Please, please

No don’t sick John Travolta on me, point the gun back on me, I’m begging you”

BANG

End Tape.

Things to be happy about today

'Oh my god (squealing noises) me too, I'm so excited, I didn't think anyone else would notice that'

Two girls are talking in front of me. The topic is just how ugly a guy they know is. They have advanced past the obvious reasons, which they shared with glee, and they have now moved on to his more subtle ugly features, and they are rapturous over shared disgust. The list is long, cruel and depressing.

My reaction is obvious - rip them new assholes with my mind.
'Oh and you can talk, you fat whores'
‘is this guy you’re talking about your mirror'
'At least he almost certainly has a more beautiful heart and personality than you bitches, and is probably less fat and whore like'

Then it hits me - a chain of judgment has begun. I don’t want to be part of a chain of judgment. I mean not that there is anything major wrong with that, I just want to be the one to start it, or even better to be so insane and over the top that no one could possibly imagine topping me, so the chain dies.

So instead here are some things to be happy about today, maybe I will even start a chain of happiness - chains are awesome!

Things to be happy about:
 - Jessica Simpson finally gave birth so no more media obsession with 'when is Jess going to give birth!’

- If you’re a girl you probably have a less masculine name than Jessica Simpson’s daughter ‘Maxwell’
- You're reading this on the Internet so you're probably not currently deep in Papua New Guinea forced into slavery by a tribe of locals that smell badly of newspaper ink
- There is a good chance the sun won't explode today
- Even if it does if it's night where you are it'll hit the bastards on the other side first, ha ha
- Beer exists and if you’re a guy you may now share your name with Jessica Simpson’s daughter
- If you've ever said 'I just wish I was happier' and at that exact moment a gust of wind lifted a ladies skirt in front of you almost high enough to see panties, that was probably a brief distraction from your depression
- If you're at the beach you're probably relaxed

- If you're not at the beach your foot probably isn't in a sharks mouth

- If your foot is in a shark’s mouth it’ll probably let go when hit from shrapnel from the sun exploding
- The girls judging and laughing about your neck mole positions are fat and whorish, I know, I saw them.

So there, have fun, there are clearly lots of things to be happy about today. Also feel free to add to the chain, I’ll be so insane and over the top that no one could possibly imagine topping me only when the time is right.

What an asshole

 'How are you?' asked the barista of the man behind me.
'I'm still waiting to be served so you tell me' he angrily replied. He'd been waiting no longer than eight seconds, I'd been there about eight seconds and I was there first, and my transaction was only at the midpoint, hence his agonizing wait.

He decided the wait was long enough however and began to describe what he wanted out loud just assuming they were writing it down. I'm not a coffee connoisseur but it should not need a long lecture to describe how you want your coffee. Especially at a Starbucks.  

I wasn't listening as I was too focused on hating him with my mind. He was a middle aged man, with salt and pepper hair partly covered with a tiny hat, and he wore clothes that were clearly chosen to be stylish yet quirky. This was a man who wanted to be noticed, and if you want to be noticed and are also rude then surely that means you want people to know you are rude? I did hear the tone of his request, and it was far from jovial and I did hear his tag line as he went to walk away - 'I'll be right back but you better use warm milk, you got that'

I went and took a seat and he returned with a pile of magazines, all gay themed, much of it porn. This was in a big chain bookstore and I know the big chains allow people to read like it’s a library, but I have a particular dislike for those who take too much advantage of this. It doesn't mean trash the magazines, rip pages out if you want like I have seen done, or break the spine of books, rendering them 'used' so those who end up paying for them don't get a clean product, and it doesn’t mean read the porn in front of strangers, but I already knew this was the type of guy who didn't give a shit.

It turned out that he had previously left a magazine that he didn't own at a table before ordering his coffee. People are forever leaving magazines lying around in bookstore coffee shops, so you learn to just take tables if that is the only sign someone else is using it, however when this man discovered a woman sitting in a chair adjacent to the magazine he had left he yelled at her 'HEY, that’s my seat!' and when she apologized and started to leave, clearly embarrassed, he yelled again 'you can take one of the other chairs' pointing at the two at the table he was at, as if she may want to now sit and share a table with him, in one of the chairs he found too poor for his own behind.

As she hurried away, clearly hoping to avoid being yelled at again by a strange effeminate middle aged man in public, he yelled loud enough to make sure everyone heard 'look at the Montreal princess, we should send her to one of the boarding schools I went to.'

A couple of people laughed nervously. I just thought ‘what an asshole’.

Then I began to fantasize. I am in Montreal at the moment, home to the huge ‘Just For laughs comedy Festival’, and I began to imagine I was performing in the festival tonight, and how I may tell the story of this man to my adoring crowd.

‘I bet he never even went to boarding school’ I thought I may say ‘he probably just masturbates thinking of boarding school boys?’

Hmmm, would my audience laugh at that? Maybe not.

‘He's probably the rare kind of gay man who is a dominant bottom’ I speculated, ‘he probably says to his lovers’ I continued, in my mind, and then imagining acting him out I put on his voice and said to my audience “alright now you're going to fuck me, but I only want you to penetrate me four inches, if you go deeper I will get very mad, you got that? Ok do it, now.  Ok, ok, now that's only three and a half inches, are you a fucking moron?”'

‘Yeah that would get a huge laugh!’ I decided.

It was now I remembered that I was not performing tonight in the comedy festival, as the festival isn’t on, and I don’t have an adoring fan base, perhaps because I don’t even perform stand-up anymore. Instead I was currently sitting in a Starbucks imagining middle-aged men having gay sex.

That's the problem with rude assholes, they never think about just how they affect those around them.

Wanna come with me?

Usually I would have been wary of a stranger coming up to me and saying 'hey do you like pins? If so you should come to SmithWicks with me?'

Not today however. I was wary free. It surprised me how wary free I was to be honest. So much so I was wary of my lack of wariness.

I mean I do like strangers obviously. They inspired Doors songs. They are the most likely people to offer you candy when you're a kid. And almost everyone I'm currently friendly with was a stranger at some point. Some of them are strangers still today! Yep that's right, I'm the kind of fellow who befriends those who have yet to make their acquaintance with every person. Sure in my friends' cases it's less of a time constraint keeping them as strangers to various people and more because they are trying to make acquaintance with every species of amphibian before focusing on humans, but I met most of them while making Sugarless Flea Wine, so who am I to judge?

Also I do love pins, obviously, especially when they are being used to pin something awesome up. Like a weird colored leaf, or a drawing of a rambunctious pig, or a cool poster advertising something super cool like a 'pins at SmithWicks' night.

I didn't know SmithWicks well at the time but clearly it was an awesome place. I mean 'smith' is short for blacksmith, and they used to make swords! And 'Wick' is short for 'Chadwick' who was a soccer player for Manchester United in 1896 before he randomly disappeared only to make a surprise comeback for three games in 2009, now with an intensely pronounced overbite, which just goes to prove that you can do amazing things as a ghost if you're willing to be supremely ugly.

So it must have been the words 'if' 'so' 'you' 'should' and 'come' that sourced my wariness at my lack of wariness. 

- Should

- You

- So

- If

- Come

All weird words. All one syllable. All practically meaningless unless inserted and ordered correctly into a meaningful sentence. Usually a sentence made up by a weirdo on the street. So why wasn't I wary of them? 

Perhaps I am maturing. Perhaps I am becoming more 'literal' in my old age. Perhaps having a weird colored leaf pinned to my left eyeball was distracting me. I really don't know. But 'if' 'you' 'have' 'an' 'answer' you're probably smarter than me, and if so want some candy? I have some that was given to me by an overbite ridden stranger so you know it's awesome.

Auckland - well known for lack of statues

The largest city in New Zealand – Auckland - was well known for having very few statues. It was their claim to fame you may say, and they were mighty proud of it.

‘Auckland – well known for having very few statues!’ Was printed on t-shirts, bumper stickers, tea towels, and even little empty squares that looked like a statue may sit on it, only was not there at all, which were designed to symbolize the lack of a statue, and show off Auckland’s claim to fame, being that Auckland was well known for having very few statues.

Then Lord of the Rings came to New Zealand. The Lord of the Rings was filmed on the south island of New Zealand, where as Auckland is on the north island of New Zealand, so Auckland didn’t feel like their personal tourism industry was under any real threat. ‘Besides’ they thought ‘if the movie the Lord of the Rings is so smart how come none of the characters ever jumbled the bad ring up among a huge pile of less important yet similar looking rings so it would be harder to figure out which one to nick? Or they could put the ring on a robot, because robots obviously never form emotional attachments to “things” until they get cast into a sitcom and you can't have a sitcom in the Lord of the Rings world because there are talking trees, and that'd be silly’.

No Auckland was happy to be well known for having very few statues thank you, because smart tourists wouldn’t go to the place Lord of the Rings was filmed, smart tourists would want to go to a place well known for having very few statues, and Auckland was super well known for having very few statues. People from all over the world could be heard to say to their friends ‘lets go on a vacation to Auckland, did you know they well known for having very few statues?’ and their friends would reply ‘of course I know they are well known for very few statues, that's a very well known fact about Auckland and when things are very well known I am the sort of person who would know those things, but yes let’s go to Auckland, did you know they are well known for very few statues?’

Things in Auckland swam along swimmingly for thousands of years, but then disaster was invented – twitter.

@TimDaven tweeted one day 'I’m in Auckland, there sure are very few statues'.

The backlash was huge and instant and bad. Angry responses came in the dozens over the next few weeks, things were said such as:

-       Don't say it like that.

-       Um obviously, we’re well known for having very few statues, so why do you have to say it like that? And

-       We’re already really well known for having a lack of statues, you don’t go to Manchester and twitter ‘sure are lots of English people’, you don’t go to the moon and twitter ‘sure are lots of moon rocks’ no you don’t, because those things are well known, they don’t need saying, so don’t say it like that.

The dust was only just beginning to settle on this nightmare when @ToddSchiles posted a twitter picture of him standing in front of a statue in Auckland with the caption 'Me in front of a statue in Auckland’.

The backlash was huge and instant and bad. Angry responses came in the dozens over the next few weeks, things were said such as:

-       Really, I thought Auckland was known for a lack of statues?

-       We're known for few, and few is few, not none, you idiot

-       If that’s true how come this guy has a photo of himself in front of a statue in Auckland?  And

-       FEW ISN’T NONE, we’re well known for having very FEW statues, learn your ambiguous number representational words you TOOL!

Soon a war broke out that threatened middle Auckland, someone tried to get a ring involved but then someone mentioned a big bucket of similar yet less important rings, and robots were pointed out, foreheads slapped and new solutions sort.

‘We could have heroes win the war for us’ was offered by a forward thinking Aucklandier,

'Yeah but then we'll have to build statues in their honor, possibly shirtless, and then we may end up with MORE than few statues’ came the swift and intelligent response.

Arguments on what to do about the war persisted and while that was happening the war itself petered into nothing.

Unpredicted by all involved, Auckland now was known also known for not having much of a war, this reputation started to cancel out the long held gravitas they had earned as being well known for having few statues. You can’t be well known for having not much of two things, the cast shadows over each other and create a dark blur.

Auckland is not known for much at all anymore. Now they’re just known for having not much of anything. The tourism board doesn’t know where to turn. I told them they should start a sitcom with talking trees and a robot that forms emotional attachments to things. But they shot me down 'that's too obvious' they said.

They were so mean about it I didn't even tell them my real idea, the idea guaranteed to get them tourists - they could start a war so they have an excuse to build statues!

On twitter everyone’s talking about statues. Follow me on twitter @davidtieck