I just walked around in a cold, windy, snowy and totally freezing Chicago for a couple of hours with nothing for warmth but a light hoodie. I know crazy!
On the bright side, having a nibble on crazy I've now gotten a taste for what Charlie Sheen is going through, and I can officially and exclusively reveal the following:
When Charlie says 'winning!' it's merely an abbreviated match up of 'weiner' and 'bleeding'. You'd be screaming and ranting too if you're herpes were that bad.
Tiger Woods stopped by his house just to gloat and say 'ha ha, I still fuck more whores than you'. So he bit Tiger's dick off. Frankly Tiger deserved it.
Now that he has 'Tiger Blood' on his fangs he realizes there are a lot of other whore loving dicks out there that deserve it as much as Tiger. He's going to work from oldest to youngest, watch out everyone from Warren Beatty down to Justin Beiber, for the love of god he's just trying to save you from herpes like his! Ouch.
His trim figure is the result of snorting cottage cheese every morning.
The girl who pays Rose on Two and a half men is from New Zealand, and there was just a huge earthquake in New Zealand, coincidence - probably!
He loves recreating his father's famous mirror punching scene from Apocalypse now, unfortunately women look like mirrors to him.
He thinks people who make lists like this so far after the crazy began are super cool and charming (aww thanks Charlie)
He thinks his replacement on Two and a half should be way different than him 'like a crazy long haired Australian with a name like David' he believes (wow Charlie you're making me blush, how dare people call you crazy).
His first addiction was staring off into the distance at the end of dilapidated piers. They have now been added to the list of 'gateway' drugs the DEA is keeping an eye on.
His cameo in Wall St 2 was by far the best part of that movie.
'Wow seriously' he just thought 'I was amazing on Two and a half men but even I'd prefer I was replaced by a long haired Aussie dude, I mean that's something we just haven't seen on TV!'
He once nearly went crazy after watching an episode of the Simpsons 'oh my god, can drawings talk?' he screamed at the time. When he found out his own drawings never talked he got mad then had sex with a porn star. After she said 'are you still mad baby' and he laughed and laughed.
Every time he hears the Fleetwood Mac lyric 'Thunder only happens when its raining' he can't help but yell BULLSHIT! Thunder happens without rain ALL THE TIME! Geez, and they call ME crazy!
'Oh my god' he just realized 'They could have Charlie die and at the will reading find out Charlie left the house to a never seen son he had after a fling with an Aussie tourist 25 years ago. The will states his son, David, we'll call him, is told he gets the house, the cars and money as long as he lets Alan and Jake stay for free. And although David and Charlie never met, it's clear that son took after daddy' he just thought 'that's genius, chuck chuck, all's forgiven if you make this happen'!
He's actually faking it, in reality he's thinking of running for public office and knows his old persona came off way too smart for that.
Wow it all makes perfect sense now!
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
Shocking discoveries
There was a story in the paper today about a survey that had discovered that Australians dream job is to travel for a living, now here is where the shocking part comes in, get this, the survey was conducted by a travel website! Wow.
I'll give you a moment or to to take that in. That's right, people who take the time to fill out a random survey on travel website kind of sort of like travel! Have I said wow yet?
I know it's shocking, but what's worse is that this is just another example of the mainstream media using shocking discoveries to blindside us from the real horrors, creating panic spirals that spiral out of control like spiral tsunamis but more spiral like kind of like those tornado dealies.
Consider these shocking facts that did NOT make the news this week:
- Cheese tastes GOOD on pizza
- Stabbing yourself in the testicles does NOT feel good
- Chanting ‘Stan, Stan he’s our man, if he can’t do it no one can’ is a terrible way of talking a guy named Abul into doing a suicide bombing
- Trying to talk someone into doing a suicide bombing isn’t very nice
- I mean seriously, if you do a suicide bombing you die, what did Abul ever do to you?
And yet just this week people made pizza without cheese, Abul was taunted, and men stabbed their testicles thinking it would feel good. All because of the media’s shocking use of shocking people.
Well I am not going to take it anymore, I’m letting the truth out now, take these fact media you fact regurgitating type people when you feel like it but ignoring these facts!
- The eyes are not a window to the soul, windows are see-though! (Unless they’re really dirty, wait are my pupils just really imbedded dirt?)
- The phrase ‘you look like you’re ready to be milked’ is a huge faux-paux in the cow community, they frown heavily on the use of English
- A half melted ice-cream is the same as a half melted glacier, both are more fun to lick that stick in your ear. You know, ear infections and that, plus brrrr
- It must be great to be one of those car loving guys, every time you’re in a traffic jam you’d get to be all ‘Oh my god oh my god, check it out, oh wow, yay, cars cars cars, cars everywhere, I feel like a gay boy at a gay boy rally for gay boys to all hang out with lots more gay boys, except you know cars instead of gay boys, then again being a car guy is super gay!’ Lucky bastards
- If you stick the game boggle up your bum and you’re a terrible speller you’ll have a tough time explaining that to your English teacher
- If you play I love you, I love you not with the petals of the flower you better not be trying to find out if it’s the flower that loves you, you disemboweling bastard
Take that mainstream media, you’re not shocking anyone anymore!!!!!
I'll give you a moment or to to take that in. That's right, people who take the time to fill out a random survey on travel website kind of sort of like travel! Have I said wow yet?
I know it's shocking, but what's worse is that this is just another example of the mainstream media using shocking discoveries to blindside us from the real horrors, creating panic spirals that spiral out of control like spiral tsunamis but more spiral like kind of like those tornado dealies.
Consider these shocking facts that did NOT make the news this week:
- Cheese tastes GOOD on pizza
- Stabbing yourself in the testicles does NOT feel good
- Chanting ‘Stan, Stan he’s our man, if he can’t do it no one can’ is a terrible way of talking a guy named Abul into doing a suicide bombing
- Trying to talk someone into doing a suicide bombing isn’t very nice
- I mean seriously, if you do a suicide bombing you die, what did Abul ever do to you?
And yet just this week people made pizza without cheese, Abul was taunted, and men stabbed their testicles thinking it would feel good. All because of the media’s shocking use of shocking people.
Well I am not going to take it anymore, I’m letting the truth out now, take these fact media you fact regurgitating type people when you feel like it but ignoring these facts!
- The eyes are not a window to the soul, windows are see-though! (Unless they’re really dirty, wait are my pupils just really imbedded dirt?)
- The phrase ‘you look like you’re ready to be milked’ is a huge faux-paux in the cow community, they frown heavily on the use of English
- A half melted ice-cream is the same as a half melted glacier, both are more fun to lick that stick in your ear. You know, ear infections and that, plus brrrr
- It must be great to be one of those car loving guys, every time you’re in a traffic jam you’d get to be all ‘Oh my god oh my god, check it out, oh wow, yay, cars cars cars, cars everywhere, I feel like a gay boy at a gay boy rally for gay boys to all hang out with lots more gay boys, except you know cars instead of gay boys, then again being a car guy is super gay!’ Lucky bastards
- If you stick the game boggle up your bum and you’re a terrible speller you’ll have a tough time explaining that to your English teacher
- If you play I love you, I love you not with the petals of the flower you better not be trying to find out if it’s the flower that loves you, you disemboweling bastard
Take that mainstream media, you’re not shocking anyone anymore!!!!!
Thursday, January 6, 2011
This is how to fly
It’s pilot season in America – the time when networks and cable TV stations in the United States decide what new shows will go into production for at least one episode, and also when the casting for said shows happen.
Now when times are shit the sitcom responds, and as we speak apparently times are shit (I’ve been partying and drinking too hard to know if ‘apparently’ means ‘friggin’) (Probably note. Friggin isn’t really a word).
As new sitcoms are likely to be amongst the most popular new shows to at least get a pilot there is something that we must all accept.
It’s time to talk tokens.
Every sitcom has at least one token character. A character who is chosen clearly to represent a different point of view, or minority group, or personality type from the ‘normal’ citizen.
Over the years there have been many, many from the geniusly named ‘Token Black’ from ‘South Park’. To token successfully sluty men like ‘Barney’ from ‘How I met your mother’, ‘Joey’ from ‘Friends’, or even ‘Seinfeld’ from ‘Seinfeld’.
There have been token fat guys, token bitch wives, and over and over and over token characters so stupid you know they couldn’t survive the real world like ‘Woody’ from Cheers, ‘Homer’ from the Simpsons, and the four girls from ‘Sex in the City’.
Yet there is one token we have so far been cruely denied.
It’s time for the token crazy Australian.
Writers, producers, and network executives, please take into account the things you get with a token Australian such as myself:
Hard work – It’s only the seventh of this decade and I have already blogged ONCE in the past two months!
Good with animals – I lived with a girl with a cat for a year, and I loved the little cutie kitty, awwwww kitties. I miss the kitty. Can someone give me a cuddle please. Anyone. Don’t make me cuddle my pillow again….. Come here pillow, pillow, pillow…..
A real man – Nothing is as tough and manly as an Aussie, get this I went for a bush walk last week, and when I got mud on my shoes I was all like ‘It’s ok, I can put them in the washing machine, but still, (tear, tear, tear, tear) I hope my poor shoes are ok’
Please note: Tear as in tear from my eyes while crying, not as in tear a piece of paper, I mean really, who takes a piece of paper bushwalking?
Consider this:
No Australian has ever been president of the United States of America, so we’re not weighed down from the burden of being the leader of the free world.
No Australian has ever been the Grammy award winner for best new artist more than three consecutive times, so we’re not weighed down from the pressure of finding new ways to bribe Grammy judges year after year.
And
No Australian has ever walked on the moon, so we’re not weighed down by the knowledge of weightlessness.
Coincidence?......
Yes.
Yet a happy coincidence!
I mean shouldn’t all coincidences be happy, if you can’t find joy in coincidence then you may as well jump out of a building at the exact same time as a car with a mattress on the ceiling is driving by right before it crashes into a ‘I hate coincidences’ meeting.
Please note: If you run one of these meetings there is a car about to hit you, RUUUUNNN!!!
Still not convinced?
Seriously you’re not convinced even after than coercive coincidence covenant?
Ok, well what about this
In Australia it is ILLEGAL to murder someone! That’s right. This means, if you assume all laws are always obeyed, as I do, you’ll know that your token Aussie will not be a murderer.
Please note: Unless he has visited the Congo where it is legal to murder someone for lustfully looking at your goat.
Please note 2: There are no goats in the Congo; the lions ate them all.
Please note 3: It is legal to murder a man for watching a lion eat your goat, what you’re too pussy to stand up to a lion to save a goat? What kind of man are you?
Please note 4: Ha ha you’re a pussy and so is the lion in some places where pussy is slang for cat and where this also works when the cat is a huge African jungle leader.
Please note 5: That slang does not work in Australia; we respect lions WAY too much for that.
Please note 6: There is no jungle in Africa, suck on that lions, you’re king of an area you never even get to visit, you fucking pussys. (Unless you count the jungle that makes up basically all of the Congo, but counting's never fun).
Please note 7: The deadliest thing in Australia is: everything – GET ME AWAY FROM THIS, I’m going to DIIIIIEEEEEE!!!!!
Clearly the lesson is if you are responsible for the creation of a new sitcom this pilot season and you would like it to be successful, and/or include an unusual ‘token’, and/or not be all like check it out lets make fun of the pillow cuddler but not in a way that employs him - then please include a token crazy Australian.
Please note: I hate to like bring this up and all, but um, like, you know, I’m kind of a crazy Australian and all, so, um, like, um, you know, I’d be like good in your show in that if you give me a chance. If you hire me I promise to protect your entire goat-herd that you keep in the Congo
Please note 2: You have a goat-herd in the Congo? That’s fucking cool. Maybe your show could have a token Congoean goat too!!!
Now when times are shit the sitcom responds, and as we speak apparently times are shit (I’ve been partying and drinking too hard to know if ‘apparently’ means ‘friggin’) (Probably note. Friggin isn’t really a word).
As new sitcoms are likely to be amongst the most popular new shows to at least get a pilot there is something that we must all accept.
It’s time to talk tokens.
Every sitcom has at least one token character. A character who is chosen clearly to represent a different point of view, or minority group, or personality type from the ‘normal’ citizen.
Over the years there have been many, many from the geniusly named ‘Token Black’ from ‘South Park’. To token successfully sluty men like ‘Barney’ from ‘How I met your mother’, ‘Joey’ from ‘Friends’, or even ‘Seinfeld’ from ‘Seinfeld’.
There have been token fat guys, token bitch wives, and over and over and over token characters so stupid you know they couldn’t survive the real world like ‘Woody’ from Cheers, ‘Homer’ from the Simpsons, and the four girls from ‘Sex in the City’.
Yet there is one token we have so far been cruely denied.
It’s time for the token crazy Australian.
Writers, producers, and network executives, please take into account the things you get with a token Australian such as myself:
Hard work – It’s only the seventh of this decade and I have already blogged ONCE in the past two months!
Good with animals – I lived with a girl with a cat for a year, and I loved the little cutie kitty, awwwww kitties. I miss the kitty. Can someone give me a cuddle please. Anyone. Don’t make me cuddle my pillow again….. Come here pillow, pillow, pillow…..
A real man – Nothing is as tough and manly as an Aussie, get this I went for a bush walk last week, and when I got mud on my shoes I was all like ‘It’s ok, I can put them in the washing machine, but still, (tear, tear, tear, tear) I hope my poor shoes are ok’
Please note: Tear as in tear from my eyes while crying, not as in tear a piece of paper, I mean really, who takes a piece of paper bushwalking?
Consider this:
No Australian has ever been president of the United States of America, so we’re not weighed down from the burden of being the leader of the free world.
No Australian has ever been the Grammy award winner for best new artist more than three consecutive times, so we’re not weighed down from the pressure of finding new ways to bribe Grammy judges year after year.
And
No Australian has ever walked on the moon, so we’re not weighed down by the knowledge of weightlessness.
Coincidence?......
Yes.
Yet a happy coincidence!
I mean shouldn’t all coincidences be happy, if you can’t find joy in coincidence then you may as well jump out of a building at the exact same time as a car with a mattress on the ceiling is driving by right before it crashes into a ‘I hate coincidences’ meeting.
Please note: If you run one of these meetings there is a car about to hit you, RUUUUNNN!!!
Still not convinced?
Seriously you’re not convinced even after than coercive coincidence covenant?
Ok, well what about this
In Australia it is ILLEGAL to murder someone! That’s right. This means, if you assume all laws are always obeyed, as I do, you’ll know that your token Aussie will not be a murderer.
Please note: Unless he has visited the Congo where it is legal to murder someone for lustfully looking at your goat.
Please note 2: There are no goats in the Congo; the lions ate them all.
Please note 3: It is legal to murder a man for watching a lion eat your goat, what you’re too pussy to stand up to a lion to save a goat? What kind of man are you?
Please note 4: Ha ha you’re a pussy and so is the lion in some places where pussy is slang for cat and where this also works when the cat is a huge African jungle leader.
Please note 5: That slang does not work in Australia; we respect lions WAY too much for that.
Please note 6: There is no jungle in Africa, suck on that lions, you’re king of an area you never even get to visit, you fucking pussys. (Unless you count the jungle that makes up basically all of the Congo, but counting's never fun).
Please note 7: The deadliest thing in Australia is: everything – GET ME AWAY FROM THIS, I’m going to DIIIIIEEEEEE!!!!!
Clearly the lesson is if you are responsible for the creation of a new sitcom this pilot season and you would like it to be successful, and/or include an unusual ‘token’, and/or not be all like check it out lets make fun of the pillow cuddler but not in a way that employs him - then please include a token crazy Australian.
Please note: I hate to like bring this up and all, but um, like, you know, I’m kind of a crazy Australian and all, so, um, like, um, you know, I’d be like good in your show in that if you give me a chance. If you hire me I promise to protect your entire goat-herd that you keep in the Congo
Please note 2: You have a goat-herd in the Congo? That’s fucking cool. Maybe your show could have a token Congoean goat too!!!
Saturday, December 11, 2010
It's just unbelievable
I think the word ‘Unbelievable’ should be banished from the English language.
‘Hey, check out this thingy, it’s unbelievable!’
‘WHO THE HELL ARE YOU TO TELL ME WHAT I AM CAPABLE AND INCAPABLE OF BELIEVING YOU BASTARD!’
Monkey colonies living in oxygen pods two miles under sea living off bananas shipped down by black marlin under the promise of monkey on land protection from black marlin predatory deep-sea fisherman.
‘That’s unbelievable!’
No it’s not, it’s the reason I am scared of eating bananas.
Angeles the smaller than fleas that come out in farts to carry away the smell after the smell has lingered for the exact most horrific and/or funny amount of time.
‘That’s unbelievable!’
Um no, it’s the movie script I am trying to sell to Disney.
Girl’s who like sex as much as men
‘That’s unbelievable!’
Um no, well ok, that one is kind of unbelievable.
But wait, check this out, tiny angles that come out of underwater monkey farts that make girls horny, that’s not only believable but something we need to get happening really soon.
Hand me my curry-enriched bananas, I’m onto it fellas.
‘Hey, check out this thingy, it’s unbelievable!’
‘WHO THE HELL ARE YOU TO TELL ME WHAT I AM CAPABLE AND INCAPABLE OF BELIEVING YOU BASTARD!’
Monkey colonies living in oxygen pods two miles under sea living off bananas shipped down by black marlin under the promise of monkey on land protection from black marlin predatory deep-sea fisherman.
‘That’s unbelievable!’
No it’s not, it’s the reason I am scared of eating bananas.
Angeles the smaller than fleas that come out in farts to carry away the smell after the smell has lingered for the exact most horrific and/or funny amount of time.
‘That’s unbelievable!’
Um no, it’s the movie script I am trying to sell to Disney.
Girl’s who like sex as much as men
‘That’s unbelievable!’
Um no, well ok, that one is kind of unbelievable.
But wait, check this out, tiny angles that come out of underwater monkey farts that make girls horny, that’s not only believable but something we need to get happening really soon.
Hand me my curry-enriched bananas, I’m onto it fellas.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Sunday, December 5, 2010
What a terrible waste of money
People are always talking about their purchased products and saying things like ‘I paid good money for that’. That is a mistake.
It seems clear that in these troublesome times everyone has become too fearful to spend their evil money.
Next thing you know you have a wallet full horded evil money and with a complete lack of good money left to maintain law and order anarchy breaks out.
Gangs start, they begin to rumble, true story - I once saw an evil five dollar note stab a sixteen year old (which is a wise old man in the bill world) merely for a recently looted bushel of bananas. I mean what’s a five-dollar note even going to do with bananas, everyone knows money mostly eats multigrain bread with sweet-chili flavored cream cheese spread and pinch of unionized salt and/or relationships.
Next thing you know the evil money riots in your wallet get out of hand and the most awful thing imaginable happens. A small yet unnoticeable hole gets cut in the condom you keep in there. Three years later when you finally make sweet love to a girl you don’t find that attractive and/or don’t enjoy her personality but you figure it’s less depressing than throwing out yet another condom because it’s use-by-date is up and that little hole creates a big problem for you.
That’s right the miracle of pregnancy kicks you in the balls like a building wrecking ball dealy, by which I mean a big huge heavy ball of metal right in your testicles, by which I mean not so much the miracle of pregnancy but the biggest nightmare on earth of pregnancy.
So you tell her that you want to take her on a romantic date and when you get to the abortion centre the doctor says ‘sorry, this is an abortion clinic, where we take nightmares and flush them down the toilet so that everything is ok, we don’t accept “evil” money for something so pure and wonderful and in all reality morally wrong but sometimes it’s ok to set aside morals if you both agree never to tell anyone and assume God is busy today, so you can take your fucking evil money and stick it up your ass you scumhole!!!!!’
On your kids fifth birthday you have to tell him that the only reason you can afford such a nice bike for him is because you horded evil money and it saved him from being aborted and that tells him that evil money is why I am alive and starts chasing it forever.
It’s a messed up system people!
So I say spend some of that evil money today, and save some of your good money for a rainy day, just think you may need that one day to buy a twenty a multigrain bread with sweet-chili flavored cream cheese spread and pinch of unionized salt sandwich.
It may save him from stabbing a wise old lady one day. Isn’t that worth it?
It seems clear that in these troublesome times everyone has become too fearful to spend their evil money.
Next thing you know you have a wallet full horded evil money and with a complete lack of good money left to maintain law and order anarchy breaks out.
Gangs start, they begin to rumble, true story - I once saw an evil five dollar note stab a sixteen year old (which is a wise old man in the bill world) merely for a recently looted bushel of bananas. I mean what’s a five-dollar note even going to do with bananas, everyone knows money mostly eats multigrain bread with sweet-chili flavored cream cheese spread and pinch of unionized salt and/or relationships.
Next thing you know the evil money riots in your wallet get out of hand and the most awful thing imaginable happens. A small yet unnoticeable hole gets cut in the condom you keep in there. Three years later when you finally make sweet love to a girl you don’t find that attractive and/or don’t enjoy her personality but you figure it’s less depressing than throwing out yet another condom because it’s use-by-date is up and that little hole creates a big problem for you.
That’s right the miracle of pregnancy kicks you in the balls like a building wrecking ball dealy, by which I mean a big huge heavy ball of metal right in your testicles, by which I mean not so much the miracle of pregnancy but the biggest nightmare on earth of pregnancy.
So you tell her that you want to take her on a romantic date and when you get to the abortion centre the doctor says ‘sorry, this is an abortion clinic, where we take nightmares and flush them down the toilet so that everything is ok, we don’t accept “evil” money for something so pure and wonderful and in all reality morally wrong but sometimes it’s ok to set aside morals if you both agree never to tell anyone and assume God is busy today, so you can take your fucking evil money and stick it up your ass you scumhole!!!!!’
On your kids fifth birthday you have to tell him that the only reason you can afford such a nice bike for him is because you horded evil money and it saved him from being aborted and that tells him that evil money is why I am alive and starts chasing it forever.
It’s a messed up system people!
So I say spend some of that evil money today, and save some of your good money for a rainy day, just think you may need that one day to buy a twenty a multigrain bread with sweet-chili flavored cream cheese spread and pinch of unionized salt sandwich.
It may save him from stabbing a wise old lady one day. Isn’t that worth it?
Sunday, November 28, 2010
How to make an easy hundred bucks
Some things I realized late last night
I regret eating my own boogers
I also regret naming my dog 'my own boogers'
Because who calls their burgers 'dog' that's usually reserved for hot dogs
Which reminds me there is a hot bitch at my secret society of secreters meeting at midday on Tuesdays
But don't you tell her I said that
She always says it's no secret she kind of likes being called 'hot'
And I'd hate to have her kicked out of our secret society of secreters meetings for people saying stuff that isn't a secret
Because the secret society of secreters doesn't really exist
Well they really do, but I'll let you in on a secret, our newsletter is getting so popular that our printers are getting worried about keeping up with the demand
'Demand' of course being the nickname we have given to Mary the warehouse horse who is very fast
'Horse' of course being her other nickname because of her long history with salt addiction
It's kind of sad actually because most people don't realize that being salt addicted often means you're terrible in chip avoiding contests
Which were of course invented by Steve Evans a man famous for being so addicted to eating boogers he tried to destroy the snack industry by encouraging avoiding snacks with well funded and highly competitive chip avoiding contents
Steve of course being the hot bitches husband
That's why we call her 'hot' because as everyone knows chip production is a really cool job
Guys will say to girls in bars 'I work in chip production' and the girls will all be like 'that's so cool'
So with less chips eaten the world is less cool and therefore more hot because of her
Also she is really sweet which is why we call her a bitch
Its tough at our secret meetings to keep coming up with interesting and hilariously ironic nicknames because everyone is so uninteresting
Except for Steve who eats lots of boogers
Actually that reminds me, Steve bet me a hundred bucks I wouldn't 'eat my own boogers' and that's why I named that burger 'my own boogers'
You owe me a hundred bucks Steve, and I'm going to spend it ALL on chips, you loser
Geeze I'd hate to have THAT guys mind
I regret eating my own boogers
I also regret naming my dog 'my own boogers'
Because who calls their burgers 'dog' that's usually reserved for hot dogs
Which reminds me there is a hot bitch at my secret society of secreters meeting at midday on Tuesdays
But don't you tell her I said that
She always says it's no secret she kind of likes being called 'hot'
And I'd hate to have her kicked out of our secret society of secreters meetings for people saying stuff that isn't a secret
Because the secret society of secreters doesn't really exist
Well they really do, but I'll let you in on a secret, our newsletter is getting so popular that our printers are getting worried about keeping up with the demand
'Demand' of course being the nickname we have given to Mary the warehouse horse who is very fast
'Horse' of course being her other nickname because of her long history with salt addiction
It's kind of sad actually because most people don't realize that being salt addicted often means you're terrible in chip avoiding contests
Which were of course invented by Steve Evans a man famous for being so addicted to eating boogers he tried to destroy the snack industry by encouraging avoiding snacks with well funded and highly competitive chip avoiding contents
Steve of course being the hot bitches husband
That's why we call her 'hot' because as everyone knows chip production is a really cool job
Guys will say to girls in bars 'I work in chip production' and the girls will all be like 'that's so cool'
So with less chips eaten the world is less cool and therefore more hot because of her
Also she is really sweet which is why we call her a bitch
Its tough at our secret meetings to keep coming up with interesting and hilariously ironic nicknames because everyone is so uninteresting
Except for Steve who eats lots of boogers
Actually that reminds me, Steve bet me a hundred bucks I wouldn't 'eat my own boogers' and that's why I named that burger 'my own boogers'
You owe me a hundred bucks Steve, and I'm going to spend it ALL on chips, you loser
Geeze I'd hate to have THAT guys mind
Monday, November 22, 2010
Who had it worst?
Here is a sketch I wrote a year or two back trying to get a job on Saturday Night Live. I'm starting to think Lorne Michaels is never going to call me, so maybe I'll just post it here :)
GAME SHOW – WHO HAD IT WORST? – Bill/Jason/Kristin/Bobby/Michaela
By David Tieck
(OPEN ON: GRAPHIC: “WHO HAD IT WORST”)
(MUSIC: THEME)
(DISS. TO: GAME SHOW SET.)
BILL
Hello and welcome to ‘Who had it worst?’ the game show where we
look at all kinds of suffering and decide who had it worst. I am your
host John Jefferies, now let’s meet our contestants. First up your
returning champs, please welcome back The Widens, Robert and Stephanie
(BILL WALKS OVER TO STAGE RIGHT WHERE JASON SEDAKIS AND KRISTIN WIIG STAN BEHIND THEIR PODIUM LOOKING HAPPY, SWITCHED ON AND CONFIDENT)
JASON
Thanks for having us back
KRISTIN
Yep, we are super excited to be back
BILL
Have you two been enjoying the boat you won last week?
KRISTIN
Sure have
JASON
Absolutely
BILL
Wonderful, well let’s now meet our challengers, The Grahams,
Simon and Kate.
(BILL WALKS OVER TO STAGE LEFT WHERE BOBBY MOYNIHAN AND MICHAELA WATKINS ARE WAITING LOOKING NERVOUS)
BILL
Now Simon, I understand that you are an accountant?
BOBBY
Yes that’s right, I do tax returns
BILL
Well lucky for you this isn’t the who has the worst job show!
(BILL TURNS TO AUDIENCE WITH A BIG SMILE, EVERYONE LAUGHS EXCEPT BOBBY AND MICHAELA)
BILL
And Kate you are a homemaker, that isn’t interesting at all, so ok,
it’s time to get started, ready for who had it worst round one.
(BILL RETURNS TO CENTER STAGE WHERE THE FIRST QUESTION COMES UP)
BILL
Question one, who had it worst, the dodo bird or the Passenger Pigeon?
JASON
(SFX: BUZZER)
Both extinct but the Passenger Pigeon was hunted by humans where as the dodos did it to themselves, therefore the dodo will be treated worst in the afterlife, my answer is the dodo!
BILL
That is correct! Question two, who had it worst, Clipper fans or
Knicks fans?
KRISTIN
(SFX: BUZZER)
Easy one, the clippers have no real fans, so it’s Knicks fans!
BILL
That’s correct! Question three, who had it worst, Hitler or Stalin?
KRISTIN
(SFX: BUZZER)
Well the full Stalin Mustache is still popular around the world, but the Hitler Mustache has been all but eradicated, so Hitler had it worst!
BILL
That is correct!
(CUT TO BOBBY AND MICHAELA WHO ARE DUMFOUNDED)
BILL
And that is the end of round one where our defending champions have
leapt into the lead. Time to remind the viewers of the rules! Here on
‘Who had it worst?’ contestants must decide not just who had it worst,
but justify it in a manor which is true yet not the most obvious answer.
Time for round two, the body part round! Question one, who had it worst,
the Octomum’s uterus or Kirstie Alley’s rectum?
MICHAELA
(SFX: BUZZER)
The Octomum’s uterus! Had to carry eight babies!
BILL
Ohhh, close but that is the most obvious answer I am sorry. Widens?
JASON
Kirstie Alley’s rectum. It has had to pass more gross tonnage!
BILL
That is correct! The Widens steal the points. Next question, who had it
worst A-rods needle riddled butt cheek, or Barry Bonds steroid induced ballooning head?
BOBBY
(SFX: BUZZER)
Barry Bonds head, because it is exposed where the butt is under the pants!
BILL
I am sorry, that is very close but wrong I am sorry
JASON
The answer is A-rods butt cheek, because on top of needles it had to
be felt up by Madonna’s veiny wrinkly old hands
BILL
You are spot on!
BOBBY
This is ridicules!
BILL
And that is the end of round two. Time now for the lightening round,
which is of course all about who had it worst when dealing with nature,
there is no need to buzz in this round, whoever answers quickest gets
the points. Who had it worst someone who dies in a fire or someone
who drowns in a flood?
KRISTIN
The fire, because you leave an uglier corpse
BILL
Yes! Who had is worst someone caught in a hurricane or someone
caught in a tornado?
JASON
Tornado, because you’re more likely to be hit by a cow in a tornado
BILL
Yes! Who had it worst, the guy eaten by a bear or the guy eaten by a tiger?
JASON
The bear, because if the bear is about to hibernate it may be months
before you are fully digested
BILL
That is correct again! Wow, you two are on fire, no pun intended,
clean sweep.
BOBBY
Oh come on
MICHAELA
(ANGRY)
This is madness!
BILL
Well that is the end of the lightening round. The Widens are way in front,
but we do have one final round and one more question. Who had it worst,
the horse killed and turned into dog food, or the dog killed and served in
a Korean restaurant?
BOBBY
(SFX: BUZZER)
(THE CAMERA CLOSES IN ON BOBBY’S FACE, TIME SLOWS DOWN, HE IS NERVOUS YET DETERMINED, HE SEEMS SHOCKED HIMSELF THAT HE HAD PRESSED THE BUZZER)
Um
MICHAELA
You can do it Simon!
BOBBY
(LONG BEAT)
Um, um
BILL
Your answer please?
BOBBY
Ok, it’s the man who thought he ordered the beef but was accidently
served the dog which was cooked while it still had horse meat dog food in its belly
BILL
Oh my god, not only is that correct, but you have just pulled a third party,
which means you steal all of your opponent’s points to win the game!
(BALLOONS FALL FROM THE SKY OVER BOBBY AND MICHAELA, MUSIC IS PLAYING, BOBBY AN MICHAELA ARE CELEBRATING, JASON AND KRISTIN ARE FURIOUS)
BILL
(YELLING OVER THE TOP)
As you know all prizes here on who’s had it worse are come
from property recently seized by police from criminals, and this
weeks prize is $10,000 cash in counterfeit $100 bills recently seized
from the mafia by the NYPD!
(CREDITS START TO ROLL, BOBBY AND MICHAELA ARE TRYING TO GET BILLS ATTENTION)
BOBBY
Wait, did you say counterfeit dollars?
FADE OUT
GAME SHOW – WHO HAD IT WORST? – Bill/Jason/Kristin/Bobby/Michaela
By David Tieck
(OPEN ON: GRAPHIC: “WHO HAD IT WORST”)
(MUSIC: THEME)
(DISS. TO: GAME SHOW SET.)
BILL
Hello and welcome to ‘Who had it worst?’ the game show where we
look at all kinds of suffering and decide who had it worst. I am your
host John Jefferies, now let’s meet our contestants. First up your
returning champs, please welcome back The Widens, Robert and Stephanie
(BILL WALKS OVER TO STAGE RIGHT WHERE JASON SEDAKIS AND KRISTIN WIIG STAN BEHIND THEIR PODIUM LOOKING HAPPY, SWITCHED ON AND CONFIDENT)
JASON
Thanks for having us back
KRISTIN
Yep, we are super excited to be back
BILL
Have you two been enjoying the boat you won last week?
KRISTIN
Sure have
JASON
Absolutely
BILL
Wonderful, well let’s now meet our challengers, The Grahams,
Simon and Kate.
(BILL WALKS OVER TO STAGE LEFT WHERE BOBBY MOYNIHAN AND MICHAELA WATKINS ARE WAITING LOOKING NERVOUS)
BILL
Now Simon, I understand that you are an accountant?
BOBBY
Yes that’s right, I do tax returns
BILL
Well lucky for you this isn’t the who has the worst job show!
(BILL TURNS TO AUDIENCE WITH A BIG SMILE, EVERYONE LAUGHS EXCEPT BOBBY AND MICHAELA)
BILL
And Kate you are a homemaker, that isn’t interesting at all, so ok,
it’s time to get started, ready for who had it worst round one.
(BILL RETURNS TO CENTER STAGE WHERE THE FIRST QUESTION COMES UP)
BILL
Question one, who had it worst, the dodo bird or the Passenger Pigeon?
JASON
(SFX: BUZZER)
Both extinct but the Passenger Pigeon was hunted by humans where as the dodos did it to themselves, therefore the dodo will be treated worst in the afterlife, my answer is the dodo!
BILL
That is correct! Question two, who had it worst, Clipper fans or
Knicks fans?
KRISTIN
(SFX: BUZZER)
Easy one, the clippers have no real fans, so it’s Knicks fans!
BILL
That’s correct! Question three, who had it worst, Hitler or Stalin?
KRISTIN
(SFX: BUZZER)
Well the full Stalin Mustache is still popular around the world, but the Hitler Mustache has been all but eradicated, so Hitler had it worst!
BILL
That is correct!
(CUT TO BOBBY AND MICHAELA WHO ARE DUMFOUNDED)
BILL
And that is the end of round one where our defending champions have
leapt into the lead. Time to remind the viewers of the rules! Here on
‘Who had it worst?’ contestants must decide not just who had it worst,
but justify it in a manor which is true yet not the most obvious answer.
Time for round two, the body part round! Question one, who had it worst,
the Octomum’s uterus or Kirstie Alley’s rectum?
MICHAELA
(SFX: BUZZER)
The Octomum’s uterus! Had to carry eight babies!
BILL
Ohhh, close but that is the most obvious answer I am sorry. Widens?
JASON
Kirstie Alley’s rectum. It has had to pass more gross tonnage!
BILL
That is correct! The Widens steal the points. Next question, who had it
worst A-rods needle riddled butt cheek, or Barry Bonds steroid induced ballooning head?
BOBBY
(SFX: BUZZER)
Barry Bonds head, because it is exposed where the butt is under the pants!
BILL
I am sorry, that is very close but wrong I am sorry
JASON
The answer is A-rods butt cheek, because on top of needles it had to
be felt up by Madonna’s veiny wrinkly old hands
BILL
You are spot on!
BOBBY
This is ridicules!
BILL
And that is the end of round two. Time now for the lightening round,
which is of course all about who had it worst when dealing with nature,
there is no need to buzz in this round, whoever answers quickest gets
the points. Who had it worst someone who dies in a fire or someone
who drowns in a flood?
KRISTIN
The fire, because you leave an uglier corpse
BILL
Yes! Who had is worst someone caught in a hurricane or someone
caught in a tornado?
JASON
Tornado, because you’re more likely to be hit by a cow in a tornado
BILL
Yes! Who had it worst, the guy eaten by a bear or the guy eaten by a tiger?
JASON
The bear, because if the bear is about to hibernate it may be months
before you are fully digested
BILL
That is correct again! Wow, you two are on fire, no pun intended,
clean sweep.
BOBBY
Oh come on
MICHAELA
(ANGRY)
This is madness!
BILL
Well that is the end of the lightening round. The Widens are way in front,
but we do have one final round and one more question. Who had it worst,
the horse killed and turned into dog food, or the dog killed and served in
a Korean restaurant?
BOBBY
(SFX: BUZZER)
(THE CAMERA CLOSES IN ON BOBBY’S FACE, TIME SLOWS DOWN, HE IS NERVOUS YET DETERMINED, HE SEEMS SHOCKED HIMSELF THAT HE HAD PRESSED THE BUZZER)
Um
MICHAELA
You can do it Simon!
BOBBY
(LONG BEAT)
Um, um
BILL
Your answer please?
BOBBY
Ok, it’s the man who thought he ordered the beef but was accidently
served the dog which was cooked while it still had horse meat dog food in its belly
BILL
Oh my god, not only is that correct, but you have just pulled a third party,
which means you steal all of your opponent’s points to win the game!
(BALLOONS FALL FROM THE SKY OVER BOBBY AND MICHAELA, MUSIC IS PLAYING, BOBBY AN MICHAELA ARE CELEBRATING, JASON AND KRISTIN ARE FURIOUS)
BILL
(YELLING OVER THE TOP)
As you know all prizes here on who’s had it worse are come
from property recently seized by police from criminals, and this
weeks prize is $10,000 cash in counterfeit $100 bills recently seized
from the mafia by the NYPD!
(CREDITS START TO ROLL, BOBBY AND MICHAELA ARE TRYING TO GET BILLS ATTENTION)
BOBBY
Wait, did you say counterfeit dollars?
FADE OUT
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Cash and poo and other good stuff
That's AMAZING! Money, that grimy paper and disease ridden coins that we all scrounge over has an ability to communicate in a way which makes cow excrement develop legs full of enough muscles and bones and the like to WALK!
Let me break that down. Bulls eat grass, hay (and secretly discarded happy days comics which were printed on mass but never sold and are now force fed to bulls) and their four stomachs split those delicious ingredients up into the best nutrients for making beef, leather and bull-sperm (old farmer joke - the baby bull says to the daddy bull 'hey daddy want to run down there and fuck one of those cows?' 'No son, lets walk down there and fuck ALL of those cows') and the left over crap that isn't 'leather worthy' gets dumped out as shit.
Clearly if this left over waste had any brains it would have bribed stomach three to let it at least end up in sausage mince for pizza, but the fact it now ends up as waste is proof of its ignorance and frankly lack of effort while studying during its adolescent years.
So how on earth can this stupid pile of shit form the intelligence needed to use its mind to force its body into literally changing form and growing legs (and I am guessing even FEET - which smell, and that's a big risk to take for something already odor questionable as bullshit!).
By the way 'Odor Questionable' is the new name for my new line of bath salts, the title represents the fact that the bath salts are designed to change a persons odor over the course of the bath and therefore as the product is being used the odor can't be pinpointed down to one specific thing like 'lavender' or 'vanilla blueberry' or 'sweaty glove' therefore meaning it is 'questionable'. I think this honesty in labeling will soon catapult me to the top of the bath salt game!!!! 'LOOK there is David Tieck! He's the Odor Questionable bath salt king!' the girls will scream!
Point is this - the fact that this essentially retarded bullpoo is walking merely because money has been defying its own destiny and has started speaking up tells us something. Money, like the little man, the robots in Terminator and pigeons before it, has become self aware, it now knows it exists.
But it gets worse.
Money has begun to talk!
Wait we already had established that bit.
But it is saying stuff which is influencing shit. Literally shit. And as we all know once you have the shits the next stop is the bathroom business, which leads to toilet paper, which leads to the amazon rain-forest, which is full of weird and creepy animals, which will lead it to flee the forest for more urban areas where HUMANS live and before we know it money will have US!
If this isn't stopped at some point humans will be 'influenced' by money. It will be in our ear making us do stuff for it, like shitty jobs like cleaning toilets, or even shitty jobs like become lawyers and doctors. It will make us carry it around in leather, yes leather wallets and bags (see its not just got the bullshit, but its had some solid chats with bull stomachs two and four!). It will do stuff like trick your poor friend into thinking because he has less of it that you should buy him a beer from time to time but not ever verbalize that making you think sometimes your friend is just being a tightass when actually he just can't afford it - throw him a bone you bastards (NOT a bullbone please!).
Before you know it there will be things called 'girls' who think that somehow just because men like sex more than them we should have to buy them stuff all the time.
But it gets worse. I think if we allow this to keep developing - one day money may even influence, hold your breath - BANKS!!! Those nice fellows who put ATMs everywhere so we can always get cash, and let us have plastic money lending cards in our pockets in case we have poor money management and yet impulsive spending habits!
Also I think money may have a few seductive words to say to government, but I am not worried about that, those guys just want to help the community, they're never going to be as weak and manipulation suspect as bullshit.
Yet no one has bothered to figure out just what money is saying! It's madness!
I suspect it's - 'check out my scar, I got this one falling off a skateboard when I was nine' and from there all ears a pinned in anticipation of what could come next, because no story can start like that and not be AWESOME, so before you know it money has already said 'I'm kind of nice to own and you know buy stuff with' and you haven't even realized you have fallen under its trap.
Well I say we get the scientists working on figuring out just what this money is saying right now! (Also get onto how bullshit is growing them legs, I bet a few amputees would like to know something about that!)
In the meantime I'm going to the shops.
Oh no, oh no - I think they've got MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!
Let me break that down. Bulls eat grass, hay (and secretly discarded happy days comics which were printed on mass but never sold and are now force fed to bulls) and their four stomachs split those delicious ingredients up into the best nutrients for making beef, leather and bull-sperm (old farmer joke - the baby bull says to the daddy bull 'hey daddy want to run down there and fuck one of those cows?' 'No son, lets walk down there and fuck ALL of those cows') and the left over crap that isn't 'leather worthy' gets dumped out as shit.
Clearly if this left over waste had any brains it would have bribed stomach three to let it at least end up in sausage mince for pizza, but the fact it now ends up as waste is proof of its ignorance and frankly lack of effort while studying during its adolescent years.
So how on earth can this stupid pile of shit form the intelligence needed to use its mind to force its body into literally changing form and growing legs (and I am guessing even FEET - which smell, and that's a big risk to take for something already odor questionable as bullshit!).
By the way 'Odor Questionable' is the new name for my new line of bath salts, the title represents the fact that the bath salts are designed to change a persons odor over the course of the bath and therefore as the product is being used the odor can't be pinpointed down to one specific thing like 'lavender' or 'vanilla blueberry' or 'sweaty glove' therefore meaning it is 'questionable'. I think this honesty in labeling will soon catapult me to the top of the bath salt game!!!! 'LOOK there is David Tieck! He's the Odor Questionable bath salt king!' the girls will scream!
Point is this - the fact that this essentially retarded bullpoo is walking merely because money has been defying its own destiny and has started speaking up tells us something. Money, like the little man, the robots in Terminator and pigeons before it, has become self aware, it now knows it exists.
But it gets worse.
Money has begun to talk!
Wait we already had established that bit.
But it is saying stuff which is influencing shit. Literally shit. And as we all know once you have the shits the next stop is the bathroom business, which leads to toilet paper, which leads to the amazon rain-forest, which is full of weird and creepy animals, which will lead it to flee the forest for more urban areas where HUMANS live and before we know it money will have US!
If this isn't stopped at some point humans will be 'influenced' by money. It will be in our ear making us do stuff for it, like shitty jobs like cleaning toilets, or even shitty jobs like become lawyers and doctors. It will make us carry it around in leather, yes leather wallets and bags (see its not just got the bullshit, but its had some solid chats with bull stomachs two and four!). It will do stuff like trick your poor friend into thinking because he has less of it that you should buy him a beer from time to time but not ever verbalize that making you think sometimes your friend is just being a tightass when actually he just can't afford it - throw him a bone you bastards (NOT a bullbone please!).
Before you know it there will be things called 'girls' who think that somehow just because men like sex more than them we should have to buy them stuff all the time.
But it gets worse. I think if we allow this to keep developing - one day money may even influence, hold your breath - BANKS!!! Those nice fellows who put ATMs everywhere so we can always get cash, and let us have plastic money lending cards in our pockets in case we have poor money management and yet impulsive spending habits!
Also I think money may have a few seductive words to say to government, but I am not worried about that, those guys just want to help the community, they're never going to be as weak and manipulation suspect as bullshit.
Yet no one has bothered to figure out just what money is saying! It's madness!
I suspect it's - 'check out my scar, I got this one falling off a skateboard when I was nine' and from there all ears a pinned in anticipation of what could come next, because no story can start like that and not be AWESOME, so before you know it money has already said 'I'm kind of nice to own and you know buy stuff with' and you haven't even realized you have fallen under its trap.
Well I say we get the scientists working on figuring out just what this money is saying right now! (Also get onto how bullshit is growing them legs, I bet a few amputees would like to know something about that!)
In the meantime I'm going to the shops.
Oh no, oh no - I think they've got MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!
Monday, November 15, 2010
Religion explained
It just occurred to me that last night my dream world took me into the heart of the Scientology celebrity center in Los Angeles where I saw John Travolta, Tom Cruise and for some reason Michael Douglas!!! Also everywhere you looked there were pools and hot-tubs and they were all full of topless girls.
Something about this dream made something painfully clear to me - I have a deep fear of one day getting to the bottom of my clean clothes pile and discovering that I have only one clean sock!
Cause then what the hell do you do?
Wear one dirty sock and one clean? Wear two dirty socks? Or wear no socks?
It’s a nightmare of numerous options all bone crunchingly awfully death like where they all suck and will make you look weird and other less than desirable type dealys.
It’s like being told you’re going to be shot, hung or stabbed, but only worse, cause with socks you have to live with your decision!
I really don't know how to handle this, I just hope they're is a solution to this fear in my dreams tonight, or you know, at least more topless girls.
Something about this dream made something painfully clear to me - I have a deep fear of one day getting to the bottom of my clean clothes pile and discovering that I have only one clean sock!
Cause then what the hell do you do?
Wear one dirty sock and one clean? Wear two dirty socks? Or wear no socks?
It’s a nightmare of numerous options all bone crunchingly awfully death like where they all suck and will make you look weird and other less than desirable type dealys.
It’s like being told you’re going to be shot, hung or stabbed, but only worse, cause with socks you have to live with your decision!
I really don't know how to handle this, I just hope they're is a solution to this fear in my dreams tonight, or you know, at least more topless girls.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
I guess he broke my heart
I saw a soldier in fatigues in the vegetable section of the supermarket today and looking at him made my mind spontaneously start singing 'You ought to know' by Alanis Morissette.
That's right, I have officially completely gone nuts - I was in the vegetable section!
That's right, I have officially completely gone nuts - I was in the vegetable section!
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