Today was the best day of my life, and for
really clear reasons. Today I missed a train! Yay.
Well ok, that’s not that unusual. And
actually when I think about it I didn’t miss the train. I got on a train. It
wasn’t the first train I saw. It was the third in fact.
Holy shit a huge cockroach just crawled
onto by desk as I am writing this. At first I thought it was a big ass spider,
in which case I would currently be dead, from jumping so high I smacked my head
on the ceiling till I was DEAD! Which makes no sense because I didn’t jump when
I actually saw it, and at the time I thought that I had seen a spider, and
proceeded investigated to see what it actually was, thinking it was probably a
spider. The point is I am a goddamn hero, brave beyond belief, possibly should
be given some form of cape. Back to the train.
Cockroach update: When I had discovered that it was actually a
cockroach I decided to jump back on this computer right away, instead of
catching and killing the motherfucker. And then I wrote that line – back to the
train – which in it’s own way was a quite brilliant sentence, informative,
retrained in it’s poetry, i
HOLY FUCK!!!!!!
Ok, ok, ok…
So I was writing the above thing, about the
sentence and all that shit, and I was going off on a tangent, because I do
things like that from time to time, and I didn’t quite get to the point I was
trying to make, which was that because I decided to instantly write about the
cockroach instead of catching the fucker and killing it, I had now lost it. I
wrote that beautiful line about the train, knew where I was heading next, and
thought I can write that bit after I catch it, but couldn’t find it anywhere. I
think I just said the same thing twice in a row in slightly different ways,
neither completely clear, but I can’t fix it right now because my adrenalin is
running too fast, and now that I have mentioned that I can’t fix it, I can now
never fix it or else that line won’t make sense, and I can’t get rid off that
too, or else I will have written this whole paragraph for nothing.
So I was writing the above thing, about the
sentence and all that shit, then I wrote ‘retrained in it’s poetry, i’ and
chose that moment, of all moments, during a adorable soliloquy on the beautify
to be found in the spaces left blank, the poetry not said, but implied. At
least that was my intent, but instead I wrote the letter ‘i’ and took a sip of
my mostly empty can of soda, and as it reached it’s almost upside down
trajectory so I could pour the last droplets of deliciousness into my mouth,
the fucking cockroach crawled from the bottom of the can straight towards my
face!!@!!
HOLY FUCK!!!!!!
I jumped like a fucking little bitch. I
should not be called a hero. No fucking way. I am but a scared little bug with
the tip of a big ass frog tongue about to snatch its face right off it’s little
body. Adding a bug metaphor here was stupid, as it may confuse the issue more.
But I can’t fix it now, or I will have written that for nothing. So I jumped an
inhumane amount. Almost like I had the power of flight. Oh wait? Only
superheroes can move like that. I am once again a hero. Thank fuck.
Please note: The fucking cockroach is now
as dead as anything on this earth. It’s deader than a dinosaur fossilized, then
carved out of the stone, then mashed into a powder, then snorted by some weird psychedelic
scientists. Which then killed them. Because it turns out snorting dinosaur
bones is dumb. And the dead scientist’s bodies were donated to scientist. Where
they were cut up into little pieces and spread to medical schools and research
labs across the country. Where small-minded future PHD’s used them to play ‘oh
fuck my eye just fell in my salad’ practical jokes in front of their
unsuspecting parents, causing at least several to have heart attacks. And when
the ambulances arrive they realize the severity of the situation and race
towards the hospital as fast as humanly possible, only to lose control and
crash off a bridge into a river, where it explodes like a nuclear bomb due to
the extremely high levels of chemical pollution which had recently been
illegally dumped into the drainage that flows into this river, and will
eventually be blamed for a new outbreak of leprosy which will kill 14,987
people over the course of many ‘does this water taste funny to you’ years.
Ok, brrrraaagghhheewww. I still feel dirty,
it was looking at me! I think it ran at me! Why do my pubes now feel itchy, it
didn’t go anywhere near there!
So the train story has kind of been lost.
Fucking cockroach. But anyway, I just missed a train, then had to wait twenty
minutes for the next, and instead of getting pissed off I decided to use the
time to my advantage, and I made a phone call which I had been putting off due
to a severe phone call phobia I suffer from, and even though there was no
answer I felt good about my positivity, fear facing and time usage. I knew
right as I eventually got on the train that the time had become the epitome and
exemplification of why today was the best of my life. And decided then and
there that this would be what my blog today would be about. Just that. No
tangents. No distractions.
All ruined by a cockroach.
I could fix it, but then I would have
nearly been brutally murdered by a cockroach for nothing. Sometimes things
happen for a reason I guess.
Ps. Hey garbage person, sorry for leaving
the many parts of a dead cockroach in the bin, I hope none of it falls out on
you. But if it does and you jump an inhumane height, then you’re a goddamn
superhero.
