Clear and convenient

Today was the best day of my life, even though I didn’t do a single thing for the fourth time today. I did several things for the third time, two things for the sixth time, and one thing for the first time, which was a little on the nose if you ask me. Question’s being something I only permit twice per visit per friend, so did you really want to ask that?

Now I know what you’re thinking – you have a few questions, and I am happy to answer any and all questions with clear and honest answers.

Q - Why does it matter if you did something for the fourth time?

A - It doesn’t matter. I never said that it did. I merely said that I didn’t do anything for the fourth time today. In fact I have now said that twice.

Q – If it doesn’t matter then why raise it at all, let alone twice?

A – I also said I only answer two questions per friend per visit and one of them was about whether that other thing was on the nose. I never told you to waste your questions.

Q – If that was one of my questions then why wasn’t it broken up into a convenient and clear Q&A format?

A – I’m sorry, that’s another question, and I can’t answer more than two questions per friend per visit.

Q – Well you should have put the first question in a clear and convenient Q&A format!

A – Awesome, that was framed as a statement not a question, good for you, but unfortunately it was put right after a Q, within my clear and convenient Q&A format, you really should save your statements for a statement section.

Q – But you just made a statement, and you’re in the convenient and clear Q&A format too!

A – Ahh but you can make statements in the answer section. In fact to answer a question with a question would make a mockery of the clear and convenient Q&A format.

Q – Ahhh HAH! You answered another question!

A – No I didn’t, yours was a statement, not a question.

Q – But it was after a Q, in the convenient and clear Q&A format.

A – Oh fuck.

Q – You did it again.

A – Oh shit, you’re right. That’s the fourth time I’ve been tricked today. Wait a minute – I did something for the forth time. Yaaayy.

Q – It doesn’t count if it’s in the convenient and clear Q&A format.

A – Oh fuck you, you stickler for rules. Stop being a dick.

The awesomest day of my life - steady as she goes

Notes from the best day of my life and especially the parts of it that took place on a train. 

- I'm on a train right now. As I write this that is. I'd hate for someone to read this in 92 years and think I was currently on a train then. Not that I promise not to be on a train then. I could be if I wanted. I'm just not sure what I'm doing that day yet. I'm sorry but I only plan my days in 40 year chunks. I find to do otherwise can take some of the spontaneity out of your life, and I'm just not going to do that. I've got 27 years left of '5 hours of daily rollerblading' to get through to take up my time. Who knew those wouldn't last? 

- there's a lady talking ridiculously loud and rudely on her phone to someone. 

- Actually I assume she's not actually on the phone to anyone, but rather yelling at someone sitting in the bottom of a pool three miles away. 

- 'just man up and don't read anything'. That's direct quote from her. Now I want her dead. 

- oh it turns out she is talking about her charity work with kids with autism. 

- well I knew that before I slammed her, but I didn't think anyone would take my side if you knew in advance I was the asshole. 

- For the record I have lots of empathy for autistic people. Loads. 

- and that's tough because many of them have zero ability to feel empathy, so as soon as I empathetically start to feel their pain the empathy immediately goes and then I get stuck in a vortex where I don't know what is going on. 

- Oh fuck, I'm not making fun of autism, I'm really not. I just wanted her to talk at perhaps a human volume. 

- oh shit, is that a symptom of Autism? Is she not just a warrior for the cause but also a victim? 

- oh cumbucket, if that's not one of the symptoms then it'll sound like I was being mocking of the autistic for asking. 

- I have to stop talking about this. 

- why does everything I say now seem very easy to twist so it feels like a joke at the expensive of autism?

- That's NOT my intent, desire or goal I swear.

- Or is no one thinking that about me at all?

- Am I just being paranoid?

- Oh fuck is paranoia a sign of autism? 

- Just stop fucking talking about it Dave. 

- yes I know that I could just delete all these words and write about something else but I'm nearly at my destination and if I start over I might not be able to say these are things that took place during my train trip. 

- she's off the phone now so it may be alright. 

- ok, for the record when I started this I was going to point out that the train was going really slow and then I was going to say 'you can cut the tension with a knife, everyone on this train is thinking the same thing - someone will soon get a call and inevitably say on the phone "yeah, we're going at snails pace" then we'll all laugh at this observation which is humorous because of the delicately well applied use of exaggeration, given that the train, while going slow by its own standards, is still progressing comfortably swifter than the pace a regular snail may go, but we all picture the train actually going that slow, as crazy as it sounds, or even crazier we can imagine a snail going as fast as this train - but who's going to get the phone call allowing them the chance to make this hilarious quip first'?

- That's why I was listening into phone calls. Because I didn't want to tell that story unless I heard someone actually say 'we're going at snails pace'.

- Thats until this lady started talking so loud no one could hear anything but her. 

- the closest I'd heard to the snail line was 'I'll tell you this, the Hare better be worried, because we're going so slow that we're gonna steadily kick its ass'. 

- which was actually kind of clever. 

- So I'm going to take credit for it, because I made it up and I don't like the idea of my quip being credited to a fantasy commuter. 

- I'm pathetic.

- Which I think definitely is NOT a sign of autism. 

- phew. 

The Best Day of my life festivity – True Friends

 Hello everyone, today was the best day of my life. I had play rehearsal, I ate delicious food, I went for a walk by the water, oh it was my birthday, I watched some TV. You know, the usg (fun abbreviation for ‘usual’). But while normally I talk about why the day was the best of my life without any tangents, or distractions, today will be no different, because I don’t think enough people spend enough time thinking about how tough it would be to have someone spit lava at them, and frankly I say ENOUGH!

It wouldn’t be fun ok.

Sure it seems like fun, there is a volcano there probably, it’s most likely erupting, or someone has dug a really, really, really deep hole in it to get to the lava, which probably means they have some awesome type of digging device, like a shovel made of awesomenessous, or possibly tin, which is a metal people don’t talk about enough is you ask me but why? What are they trying to hide? Awesomenessous ability to dig? Yeah, you fuckers, I’m onto you.

So yeah, it seems like fun, but it’s not. Want proof? Well check out this list of things that seem like they would be fun:

-       Going to a movie.

-       Playing touch football.

-       Eating ice-cream.

-       Holding hands.

Want more proof? Well check out this list of things I forgot to tell you about that list above:

-       It’s not a good movie.

-       Someone is gonna take it too seriously in an annoying way.

-       It’s not your favorite flavor, your third favorite at best.

-       They need to trim their nails!

Still think having someone spit lava at you would be fun? Well check out this list of things that mean it may not be:

-       There is bound to be some saliva mixed in with the lava.

-       Spitting on people isn’t nice.

-       Lava is sometimes hotter than it looks, and it looks pretty damn hot.

-       If they’re doing something that’s not nice, maybe they aren’t your real friend, and therefore maybe this fun adventure to the volcano isn’t as cool as you’d hoped because you’re not sharing it with a true friend.

-       If they’re not getting burned in the mouth by the lava they are probably some form of devil, or space robot alien, or good at special effects and practical jokes.

-       Maybe after this you have to fill in the hole, and tin shovels are crap for filling stuff in.

-       If they are getting burned in the mouth by the lava, they are probably going to bags all the ice-cream.

Thanks for all the birthday wishes everyone. If I take you on a trip to a volcano with you now, I promise that I won’t spit lava at you. That means we are officially true friends. Awww.

Best day ever celebration - an ending

Hello hello, today is the best day of my life, and yet It's also my birthday at midnight tonight. 

How old am I turning? Let's just say that it's less than 62, far less. Also less than 61, but not far less. I'm very specific with my far lesses, and it's the day before my birthday so I get to be.

It's also very far more than 12. Keep in mind that my very far more is different than my far more, as of course my very far less is different than my far less, and yet my far more and far less is not equal to my far more in numerical number, although my very far less IS equal to my very far more, although in opposite directions obviously, and yet I use them to express very different emotional opinions on something's value when compared to something else's value.

It's a very useful system as I never find myself saying something such as 'that movie was far better than I thought' without knowing precisely what 'far better' means, something a lot of people struggle with, especially when reading over transcripts of their conversations at a later date, as I do frequently. Sure it costs money to have someone transcribe everything you say, but if you don't what's the point of coming up with precice rating systems? 

Neil Armstrong, Clive Churchill, Babe Ruth, John who works at my local crematorium, all great men, beloved, champions of their field, but why? Well here's something they all have in common, they were all 38 at some point, as I too may be one day, possibly this evening, I don't know I'm not big on counting. 

But it's a great age. 

I mean its got the number '3' in it, which is how many fingers I'd have if I lost seven in a bizarre two handed yet one hand more affected than the other accident. And yet I haven't been in said accident, so that's something to celebrate. 

It's also got the number '8' in it, which is how many fingers the doctor would joke I'm lucky I didn't lose in that accident, 'I'm sorry to say you've lost seven fingers, better than losing eight though, am I right? High five! whoops, bit hard, yep I better redo those stitches, now don't cry, I said whoops' I imagine he'd say. But Like I said, I haven't been in that accident. So that's also something to celebrate. 

Yep, me thinks this is going to be a pretty good birthday, already two awesome things to celebrate, I'm set. It might even be way better than last year! No no no, very much better. Yep specific rating systems rule.  

The Best Day of my life exploration - very classy

I'll tell you something about silverware that not a lot of people think about:

If you drop it to the bottom of the ocean and then come back in fifty years and discover octopuses have evolved to the point of eating their dinner to a human standard level of upper-class sophistication then that was probably really, really good quality silverware.

I mean it didn't rust, possibly due to lack of oxygen just to get all sciencey on you. It was able to turn octopuses into 'upper class' sophistiphy, so there must have been at least three different types of fork, possibly even one for salad, which means these octopuses must now be farming lettuce, and with no oxygen, that's remarkable. Plus it's silverware, not cutlery, which means it may well be made of silver, which is one of the most valuable metals known to man. So valuable in fact that it's the only metal you can hand someone and guarantee you know the exact thing the person you're handing it to is thinking 'Pffftt, cheap asshole can't fork out for gold?' And yet in this case it's literally forks, so that's irony, which is the world's most valuable literary device. Yep, this is top-notch silverware for sure.

So why the hell did you drop it to the bottom of the ocean? You've wasted fifty years of top of the line silverware enjoyment. You've got to value your valuables people.

And I value my days, which is why today I'm currently enjoying the best day of my life. I say you should do the same, I mean how long do we even have before we're taken over by a merry band of super sophisticated octopi??

This blog was brought to you by my desire to use the word 'octopi'. Octopi a fun word to say for all the family. Suitable for ages 3+

Stand-up set at RnR - the intruder

Sometimes you're doing a perfectly normal comedy set and frankly KILLING, when an uninvited intruder comes on a spoils everything.

The top day of my existence opportunity – forgiveness spirited

 If you ask me brooms got a rough deal, a bad lot in life, I'd even go as far as to say the rough end of the stick, which normally is the end you want cause that sounds like it would be grippy, which means the smooth and sharpened end of the stick would be the other end, and if you get that end you've undoubtedly just been stabbed. Probably after weeks of being lost in the forest with your former best friend, until hunger pains and lack of clean water has driven you both to madness leading to you each trying to hunt each other with crudely made weapons, when really you should be using those skills to make grass skirts, catch a boar and holding a luau, and now that I think about it brooms got both end of the stick literally, but still, no one wants them unless there is dirt on the floor, and that’s sad.

Ok, sure if your friend has gone mad and is trying to hunt you, you can't just bung on a luau and hope he brings cake, or at least some sort of pineapple dish. That's just not realistic. This might sound a little old fashioned, but when a partnership is breaking down because one of the partners is trying to hunt the other, I think it's nice if the saner one, for now, also is the one that makes something with pineapple to go with the boar. Or if pineapple isn't available, say if the forest you're lost in is in the mountains or some other Arctic region, it'd be fine to go with mango or perhaps guava. It's not about your choice of tropical fruit it's about saying to your bloodlusting friend, sure stab me if you want, but my belly will ooze deliciousness, and also picking something that will pair well with whatever sort of dry rub you’ve whipped up for the hog.

In fact in all the movies I've seen where someone was shot or stabbed in their belly I don't think there has even been even the slightest discussion as to what may or may not have been IN that stomach. Well just because movies aren't concerned with realism, doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be. Because a nice smelling wound can turn a mean spirited:

'Take that you bastard'

Quickly into a forgiveness spirited:

'Sorry mate'.

And isn’t this the type of world we want to live in? A world where it doesn’t matter which end of which stick you get, and whether it was sharpened well or poorly, whether you were the stabber or the stabbee, or even who’s turn it is to dig the pit to slow roast your swine in?

The point is it's never too late to turn things around, to do something nice, and to make today the best day of your life. I say start by vacuuming the floor, then saying 'there's no dirt here, but let’s grab the broom anyway, not to clean up, but to just chill out with the family, and know what it’s like to get any end of the stick it wants, oohh maybe it’ll bring a papaya smoothie!’

The best Day of my existence constitution – and in triumph we miss

A wise man once said:

'Nobody knows everything'.

Or in its full unedited uncut unabridged brilliance:

'How can you truly say that you know more about everything than any other person knows about anything or ever will know about something unless you're willing to accept that everything is nothing when compared to something that looks like nobody knows everything about nothing when taking into account where ships are built before they sail into the never know of mystery and opportunity before highlighting to foreverness of the something that was forgotten in the everything lost from anything, wait, um… what did you ask, oh yeah yeah yeah, I will take fresh pepper’.

The lesson is that people should edit down to not just a sound bite but to the core of the message:

‘No body cares where a ship is built, only where it sails’.

Oh fuck, I think I accidently actually stumbled onto some genuine wisdom. Whoops. I was just dicking around. Hmmm, maybe it’s cause:

‘Today was the best… etc of my life whatsy’.

Oh fuck, yet more wisdom. I better go to bed before I change the fucking world.

Oh fuck.

‘I better go to bed before I change the fucking world’.

Would be an awesome name for a novel. I guess I got to write that one too. I am a busy, busy boy. I’m just bloody happy that I know everything.