The Best life plan – The Destruction of dismantling

Today was the best day of my life everybody, and I think that if I ever found myself to have accidentally taken over the world then I would then end up saying at least some of the following things:

-       Whoops.

-       Wait, this is the office the world is ruled from? Sorry I thought it was the linen closet.

-       No I don’t need linen.

-       It’s fine, you don’t have to go looking for the perfect linen for me. It’s not a lack of quality of the current linen options that has me saying that I don’t presently desire linen.

-       I was just on the tour you see, and I wandered off.

-       Where’s my tour guide? She can probably attest to the fact that I was on the tour.

-       No, no I don’t want her killed. Definitely not.

-       I nuked how many countries?

-       That really shouldn’t be possible by leaning on a button.

-       Oh, now that I am in charge I can change that if I want?

-       Well I don’t want to make too many changes right away, I am new at this.

-       Shucks. This is hard.

-       When did I start saying ‘shucks’?  

-       I don’t think I have ever said that out loud before. I’ve only had this job for ten minutes and it’s already starting to change me.

-       I don’t like it.

-       No no, I don’t want ‘time’ killed. Definitely not.

-       Why don’t we go ahead and say as a first order, I don’t want anyone or anything killed.

-       No, not because I want to do all the killing myself.

-       No, like I said, I just accidently leaned on that button.

-       Ah man, why’d you bring me all this linen? I said I didn’t need it.

-       No, no, no, seriously guys, he just brought me linen, I don’t want him killed for it. Definitely not.

-       This is hard.

-       Let’s say hypothetically, if I left the room, and someone else found himself or herself standing next to the Nuke button, would hypothetically they be likely to seize control too? Accidently or purposely? Hypothetically I mean.

-       Oh really.

-       Oh wow, I just realized that I need to go to the bathroom. Wow. The ol’ bladder sure is a complicated organ isn’t it?

-       This is the button, wink wink, the Nuke button, this here, wink wink, no one go near it while I’m gone wink wink, cause if you did people would think YOU are in charge, wink wink, and that would be a shame.

-       Oh for fuck’s sake, I’m all boxed in here, there is no path out, fuck me. I said do NOT bring me fucking linen.

I think the lesson is clear. It’s not worth being in charge of the whole world.

Unless you really like linen.  

Best whispering footsteps

The plastic lid to my takeaway honey chicken and fried rice Chinese food from the Thai takeaway was blowing majestically in the wind. Two or three feet it carried until it came to a sponge soft nails on the chalkboardesq scrape across the tiled floor. Awaking all in the surrounding vicinity to look up, numerous individual minds and drifting and dreaming imaginations all now focused on the one thing like magic.  

Two men in business suits opposite me were now looking upon me with a hint of 'you better pick that up you littering fuck' glistening off their eye balls. No words spoken, but a million conveyed. 

My warm yet gentle 'of course I'm gonna pick it up, I'm not some cunt who doesn't pick up his trash, so don't accuse me you dicks' smile failed to relieve their lovely silent and yet poignant plea. So I added a heartfelt 'it's the third time it's blown down there, ok? I've nearly finished my lunch and I'll pick it up a third time when I make my ultimate trek towards the garbage bins, yes bins plural because I will not just take care of my garbage responsibilities in the minimum required ways, but I'll make the extra fucking effort to divide my plunder amongst the most socially and environmentally beneficent receptacles, so don't you fucking judge me you assholes, I'm one of the good guys, I fucking take care of shit, and I don't accuse people of being cunts without evidence like you two fucking cunts' raise of the eyebrows. 

The two business men and I locked horns briefly, glints from our eyes shooting at each other's like fireworks on New Years Eve, in a standoff so beautiful and touching I won't label it Mexican, because I wouldn't want the  delicious foods from that wonderful nation to enter the picture and dilute what was already heartfelt and moving. 

Just then three juvenile delinquents, no older than fourteen, walked past smoking cigarettes oblivious, it seemed, to just how pathetically lame they appeared in their cliche attempts to look cool or grown up or whatever it is that makes kids choose to look so freaking stupid. The two business men and I watched them walk past then looked back at each other and we all laughed heartily at the little tools, our chuckles now absolutely laced, saturated even, with mutual recognition of just how ridiculously pathetic these tools looked. 

I took one the final forkful of my lunch. Stood up. Reached down to pick up the stray lid. But it was no longer there. 

I looked all around for it. It had vanished. Evaporated. Passed into the netherworld. As if our mocking of the teenage losers had been rewarded with a true miracle.

I put my remaining garbage in the various trash cans and walked away. The scrapping of my shoes on the tiles from my lazy strides whispering 'life sure if beautiful you cunts'. 

Best Day ever - teed up gooood

Today was the best day of life, and if you ask me, and you totally should because I have an answer teed up to go, people who jaywalk on a major roads in formal wear seem way more likely than those in casual wear, smart or otherwise, to get hit and killed by a car. 

I say this, because this evening I saw a couple in formalwear jaywalking. Then they got hit with a car. 

In my mind at least. 

Oh they got hit gooood too. The dudes little bow tie got stuck to the windshield with blood, one of the girls heels flattened a tire, almost as flat as the tire made her face, and their last words to each other were. 

'Let's run it'll be fun'

'Weee, we're better than all the other couples'

'Nothing bad will ever happen to us'

'We are lords of the universe!'

Then they got hit by the car. 

In my mind at least. 

Wait this has taken a dark turn somewhere. I think maybe when I mentioned the jaywalking? That is illegal. Or when I used the word 'teed' which is a golf reference and a sport often monopolized by rich stereotypical caricatures that make people 'caddy' their 'clubs', what's that all about? Or maybe it was the smart casual reference, if they're so smart why don't they wear comfortable shoes damn it! I don't know, it's a mystery. Hmmm, maybe it was when I said I had an answer but never really had a question? Or when I imagined them getting hit by the car? Nope. No idea. 

Wait wait wait wait, I totally got off track. Don't run through speeding traffic in hard to run in shoes people! It really freaks people watching out. 

A vintage best day journey - too tall timber

Do you ever think about how the notes played on a beautiful hand crafted vintage classical guitar with a surprising modern experimental tuning, and the delicate timber sound released as a railway bridge makes first contact with a too tall speeding semi-trailer big rig, actually have very little in common with each other? 

I mean think about it. It's obvious isn't it? They have almost nothing in common. But how often do we really think about that? I'm betting for most of us no more than three or four times a week, maximum. Ok, maybe five times if you happen to drive your truck into a railway bridge. Six if your truck happened to be hauling a shipment of guitars, or a live flamenco band. 

Still that's not that often. There's probably a metaphor about life in there somewhere. Probably a metaphor about fairy penguins who get lost and end up pitching ideas for new types of pesticides for papaya trees in the Philippines too, which actually has a lot in common with classical guitars but only those with classical tunings, something most people only think about on average three or four times a Luna cycle. Maybe five times if you happened to spot a penguin hitchhiking on your way to the moon. 

Still, that's not often enough to me. But I did think about them today. And it was the best day of my life. 

Deep thoughts from the dentist chair

- alright, open wide, nothing to worry about, just be strong, it'll be over soon. 

- oh crap I need to fart.

- like really need to. 

- fuuuuck! 

- fuck!

- fuuuuuck!

- my stomach hurts 

- oh god, why now? 

- I'm sure it's the stress of the dentist but acknowoging that isn't helping is it, who fucking cares why? 

- seriously, I NEED to fart. 

- why does everyone have to stand so close. 

- I can't even sneak one out. 

- they are literally standing over me face down.

- that's the exact opposite of a fart friendly stance.

- the longer I wait the worse it is. 

- should I just do it? 

- at least control it? 

- there's so many chemicles smells in here? 

- but not enough to cover a fart is there. 

- how many propel wish there were  MORE chemicals to smell? 

- smell doesn't cover fucking sound though, does it? 

- holy fuck that hurt, oh god like a metal thing right into my tooth!

- ok, I still need to fart. 

- grrr. 

- I can't even try and burp it away. 

- just think about anything else ok, ANYTHING. 

- how about them whales?

- wait no, flying whales! 

- just like normal whales but flying!

- in the sky!

- wow!

- sure some people call them areoplanes but if that was true then people would go to other places. 

- so how come you never meet anyone from anywhere else? 

- like you go to the DMV or RTA and its nothing but locals. 

- careful Dave you're risking going racist here. 

- what does it matter, these are just thoughts you're having in your head, who cares if they go racist?

- well what if you write out these thoughts later?

- just don't write those bits obviously? 

- why do you always censor your actual thoughts based on what people may or may not think of them, it's ok to have weird thoughts for fuck sake, it's being human, and I'm not talking about the potential for the racist territory, I'm talking the constant fucking censorship you do, judging yourself over potential judgement. It's retarded. And it's ok to use that fucking word in your head. It is. So stop fucking worrying about everything!

- oh wow I dont think I need to fart anymore. Thankgod. 

- was in the threat of racism that killed it or the self loathing shit?

- it's probably better for my mental health if it's racism right? 

- but then I'd be on of 'those' people. 

- for fucks sake you didn't even think anything racist in the end, stop fucking bashing yourself. 

- got to be nearly done here right? 

- why are my legs so fucking sweaty? - Do they sanitize the chair? 

- if not, gross, how much sweat was already there? 

- or maybe no one else comes in in shorts then sweats all over the fucking chair. 

- maybe the only gross motherfucker is you. 

- you'll be known as the sweaty gross asshole to the staff.

- everyone hates you. 

- you sweaty fucking idiot. 

- oh thanks god, spit means I'm done right? 

- holy fuck that's a lot of blood. 

- is that normal or am I going to be known as the guy that bleeds more than anyone. 

- you farty, sweaty, bleeding loser! 

- come back in six months? Not next week? 

- that means no major problems! 

- fuck yeah! I rule! 

The best day ever declaration - bloody smile ok

Today is the best day of my life everybody, because today I get to do something that I only get the chance to do once or twice a decade at the most. Something that will surely raise the adrenalin, get the heart pumping, get a bunch of people surrounding me and focused just on me, with a spotlight right in my face, and the where the only things holding me back and yet simultaneously driving me forward are the exact same things - my past, experience, and most importantly the wide variety of things that go in and out of my mouth. There may even be blood. Ha ha, no there will DEFINITELY be blood, cause I'm going to the dentist today!! Yaayy. 

Just think about how excited the saliva, blood and gum puss sucker machine thing must be right now: 

'Sterilize me up please - and music please:

There's a special man a comin'

And it's gonna be fun n' 

I'm a gonna be lovin' 

The juices that are flowin' 

Sucking all his blood

That's flowing like a flood

His teeth may have crap all enamel 

But there still hardly flammable 

Yes I know a better rhyme was camel

Of even something like mammal

But I only sing about the mouth 

So shut up you fucking rhyme nazi cunts'

Yes the dentistry implements are excited. I'm excited. I'm currently drinking a soda, the very product the dentist will probably tell me to 'lay the fuck off or else in a couple of years you won't have any fucking teeth left for me to fucking cause fucking pain to! Is that what you fucking want? No fucking teeth? If so why not go and bite the edge of the road and I'll stomp on your head? Have you seen that movie? It was pretty good wasn't it? Perhaps a little unrealistic and preachy in parts, Edward Norton dunking? I don't think so. But the acting was pretty good, nah, really good! It's a shame what happened to that kid from terminator 2, but then that other guy went on to be in that show My Name is Earl and that was really underrated, so just keep drinking soda you little shit, and see what happens'. 

Yep, I'm off to the dentist, and it's the best day of my life! 

And now poem from the plaque scratching sharp pointy implement: 

No one understands me

No one is happy I'm here

The dentist that wields me

Uses me to raise fear 

Plaque I should be scratching

But I'm so often penetrating gum

Bad memories are attaching

Only smiles are when I'm done

Blood blood blood

Cry cry cry

Pain pain pain 

Hate hate hate 

No one understands me

I'm just a plaque scratching sharp pointy implement 

I'm the medical tool runt 

No one understand me 

I'm just a pain inducing fear mongering predicament 

But at least I'm not a rhyming nazi cunt

The best project ever - obvious lessons

They say a discarded plastic coffee cup lid with the flap that opens into a hole to drink from now completely absent and the last fragments of hazelnut scented low fat milk froth now hanging on to the bottom hemisphere of the lid for dear life as a procession of ants arrive to take a small morsel back to their queen, lying adjacent to the lonely heel from broken ladies shoe, left isolated after a desperate sprint to a train became the sole (ha ha) motivation for the ladies immediate efforts, never tell lies. Because coffee lids can't tell lies, they're made of plastic. 

Yet it's the lid that gets the glory, the accolades and the profound monologues of wisdom written about them. We all know the titles of famous ones: 

- Not for drinking anymore.

- You can't bid on the lessons from a coffee lid. 

- Lid, shmid, rib, crib, nib, rid, gib, ha ha LID. 

- It's the truth, no fib, I mean duh, obviously, it's a coffee cup lid.

Just to name four out of the dozens I'm sure you all know, there is also the common indium 'don't blow your lid' with its clear reference to discarded plastic lids, and I believe there is even a whole store called 'Lids'. Discarded coffee lids are part of the fabric of our society, they just are. 

I saw such a lid today, but because it is the best day of my life, I will not give the humble lid yet more glory, I will instead focus on its forgotten acquaintance the broken heel and give it the attention. The attention it has always craved and deserved. Here goes: 

It was brown!! 

Hell Yeah! That's more like it. Take that lid! It's the heels time now! The camera focus has widened, then re-narrowed in a whole new direction. The direction of the heel, if I wasn't clear. And it shall be forever remembered that the heel was the important things that was year. Suck on that lid, you're time in the sun is done! 

Although I should point out that this all took place in the shade. Also it might have been nutmeg froth. And the ants might have been eating it for themselves, I don't actually know much about ant eating habits. Oh and it might not have been a heel, it could have been a banana stem, or a stick maybe. I only glanced at the whole scenario. I was scurrying for a train. But it IS the best day of my life!!

The Best Day of my Life objective – The Factor of Seven

Hello everybody, how are you all doing on this (insert weather where you are – some of my suggestions would include ‘fine’, ‘overcast’, ‘shiny’, ‘so cold that sticking an icicle up my ass would warm me up’ or ‘not bad’) day? It’s currently (insert relative time of the day for you upon reading this here – some of my suggestions would include ‘the afternoon’, ‘early morn’, ‘three minutes to hell’, ‘I’ll get out of bed when I fucking want to and not a second before’, ‘6:45pm’, ‘6:45am’, ‘is that the sunset or sunrise?’ or ‘now’), and that’s a (insert current emotional here – some of my suggestions would include – ‘fine’, ‘icey cool’, basking in the glory of the joy of being alive’, ‘not bad’, ‘how fucking cool is this’, ‘swell’) time to be alive.

Today is the best day of my life. And I’ll tell you why.

-       Because of a different factor than the fact I currently feel quite sick.

-       Because of a different factor than the day on the calendar which for some reason continues to be an awful day for every human alive, except for people I hate, even though we don’t use calendars anymore.

-       Because of a different factor than some tough decisions I have weighing on my mind.

Yes today is the best day of my life, because I have different factors. And not everyone can have different factors everyday. That’s tough. Like think about the factor of seven, that’s the factor of seven no matter how many times you throw the number six at it. You could even throw the number six at it seven times and it would stay the factor of fucking seven.

Yeah, that’ll do. It’s the best day of my life for the factor seven, and no other reason in particular, not that my life sucks, not at all, it’s awesome in a lot of ways, but right as I write this it’s the best day of my life simply because I choose to think that way, and not with any evidence, or reasons. That’s actually pretty cool to think right now. Yes. I feel good. I hope you all also feel (insert emotional content you’d most LIKE to feel right now here – some of my suggestions include ‘swell’, ‘in a lovely mood’, ‘better than a guy with no arms who’s busting to pee and can’t find his helper’, ‘enthusiastic’, ‘under employed’, ‘neat’).

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