The Best Day project of my life – existing royal elegance

Today was the best day ever, because I got an awesome offer, the kind of offer few are ever offered, a special unique offer, and it was offered to me! Awesome.

Yep, I got offered to join the Castlewood Estate Residents Group!

Yes me!

How awesome does that sound? Well it's even better than you think, which I assume is already awesome, but check this out:

- It’s in Castlewood, which guarantees there will be a castle!

- And wood!

- Or at least wood found in a castle some place.

- Possibly somewhere known for its castles!

- Or its wood!

- It's an estate, which is what you leave behind when you die! Along with a corpse, and the smell of a corpse. And yet

- It's a residency, which is where people live! Which is the opposite of death.

- Which is paradoxical.

- And paradoxical things are awesome.

- They make life worth living.

- And living is one of the best things you can do while you’re alive.

- And it's a group, which is a congregation of people

- Or collection of something else in group form.

- And 'something else' could be people!

Yep it was one of the best offers I've had in ages.

Ok, in the end it turned out to just be a mistake, but in the meantime... Wow what a ride!

The Unsurpassed Day of My life quest – pugnacious slapstick stalkers

‘I’M NOT DRUNK, YOU’RE DRUNK’ he yelled, his voice loud and pugnacious. Aggressive and sure of himself. Defensive and accusatory at the same time. He dribbled as he said it. Then he crashed his car.

This was like a six-year-old kid in the café next to me about three minutes ago, talking to his mother. Luckily his car doesn’t seem to damaged, he picked it back off the floor and was driving it again within seconds. Ha ha. Is it wrong that I kind of hope he IS drunk? His mother doesn’t appear to be, but then how would a kid even know to say something like that unless he’d heard it before?

Oh fuck, I am digging into this situation in my mind and it’s suddenly turning from hilarious to possibly a hint n’ peek into a very dark childhood for this kid with possibly drunken angry parents. Although that could make for a fun slapstick based sitcom, there isn’t enough slapstick based around kids whose lives suck these days. Also ‘hint n’ peek’ could be a great name for a sitcom about a stalker who subconsciously wants to get caught. There aren’t enough sitcoms these days that really, really would get their creators in huge trouble for making fun and light of truly hideous situations.

Today is the best day of my life. And not because of the drunken kid, or the trouble I shall soon get into for my wildly popular new TV shows (by the way, I wanna play the stalkee, there aren’t enough sitcoms these days where people go ‘really, as if someone would stalk HIM!’). No today is the best day of my life because I have decided to dominate.

Well to be more accurate, as I wrote it on my leg at dawn this morning right after a pee and while still half stuck in the fun dream I was having where I was in a play, didn’t know my lines, and lots of people I know were dead – I DON’T GET TO NOT DOMINATE ANYMORE.

I am not actually sure what I meant when I wrote that. I barely remember doing it, and was in a hurry to get back into my fun dream so went back to sleep as fast as possible, but I wrote it in capitals so it must have been very, very important, and I wrote it not on my lower calf but on my inside upper thigh, which is near my inside lower upper thigh, so it may well have been sexual. Only I don’t think it was, because if it was I probably would have written it right smack bang on my upper upper thigh.

This makes me think it was about life. I’m pretty sure there is an artery or something around there where if you get speared you may bleed to death, and yet I wasn’t light with my pen, so I was literally risking my life to say it. So yeah, it was probably about life.

Now, not sure if that means I am supposed to dominate my life, other people’s lives, or the word life, but given than I don’t care for words that change a letter when pluralizing, and I am often too shy to even talk to most other people let alone dominate them, I am going to with my life. This works out too because I have more access to my own life than pretty much any other people I know’s lives. At least in the top ten. And six of those died in my fun dream last night.

Only problem is that if I am dominating myself, aren’t I also therefore being submissive to myself?

I’m going to have to think more about this. The kid and his mother have left now. I wonder who is driving home? Wait, there should be more sitcoms based around a six year old who gets a DUI, I wanna play a pugnacious guy, then people could say ‘yeah, as if that guy would have a personality trait that wasn’t conducive to dominating life’. Yep, I’m nailing it today.

Best day ever y'all - homeopathic conglomerate lemur

Hello everybody, hope you all are having a lovely day. I almost wrote 'y'all' just then and then I read it back in my head and couldn't help but read 'y'all'! 

Y'all? Seriously 'Y'ALL?' I know right, I just realized that I can read stuff with my mind that I never even wrote! 

That's like proof that when you consider one option but go with a second or possibly even third (if you're a real thinker) option then that alternative universe is definitely created and that in this exact moment I just figured out that I can peek into that dimension by reading stuff with my mind, holy fuck, that's awesome. 

Man, that easily makes today the best day of my life. Fuck what I was going to write about ('running can save your life' was as far as I got). This is like a super power. I have access to all the information people, at least the readable information, which is often the most useful information there is, because you don't have to relay it to someone and worry about awfully racist Chinese whispers scenarios, such as someone telling you 'I'm going home' and you relaying it as 'eye gonorrhea hermaphroditism'. 

With reading you can just hand the second person a piece of paper with the words you wish to relay written on it and there is no chance of confusion.

'Eye gonorrhea hermaphroditism' that is, I mean you're not going to hand them a piece of paper saying 'I'm going home' that's way more boring, plus 'I'm' that doesn't relay well, people are so godamn lazy these days, lay off the contractions, use your actual names and stop making me spread information on why you're not here anymore assholes! 

Sorry, got off track. I can now read stuff in other universes!!! I think I need to read some stuff. I'm not sure how this works so I'm just going to use my instincts and trust that whatever I try and read is right:

HUMAN SPIES HOMEOPATHIC CONGLOMERATE LEMUR IN A TREE 

Awesome! Wow. This felt like a newspaper headline to me, and wow what a headline! Look at all that information from that other universe - they are humans there, and lemurs and spies and even completely made up words like 'trees'. Sounds awesome. 

Oh cool, I'm reading another thing right now: 

'Freakish young wheelbarrow, freakish like a skyward bound house brick Moldavian scarecrow simulation treat' said the old rake to his young apprentice. 

Ooohh, I think that was a passage from a novel. Sounds awesome. Finally Moldavian gardening tools are getting the simulation treats I've always thought they deserved in this universe! Here comes another:

Today I got my first period

Oh fuck it's a kids diary, get out, stop reading, aaaaghhhh, I can still see it:

I was wearing white underpants too, and I was at school, and I felt cramps then my penis started bleeding

What? please stop brain, I don't want to read anymore:

Girls are so lucky they don't have to deal with their genitalia bleeding

Um, ok. It turns out other universes and dimensions suck, they are unfair, and cruel, and I never want to visit one again. 

I'll teach y'all how to save your lives with running another time. I'm going ho... No, sorry David go home now. 

That's better. 

The Awesomenessous day of my life wow - double down delirium

Today was the Best day ever of my life because I ordered Thai food, and just to add to the excitement, nah obliterate the excitement, they gave me twice as many spring rolls as I ordered. That's almost double! Wow.

Normally you get four but I got eight! Just to put that in context consider these fun facts, or as I call them Enjoyment Truths: 

- Four is a number routinely identified by its numerical value, where as in contrast eight is a number consistently identified by its numerical value.

- If you thought you were going to have a four day week but instead had an eight day week you've gone from thinking you were going to die late midweek, to being magic! 

 - If you're about to get your friends sloppy fourths but end up with sloppy eighths you're probably at an interesting party.

- In tennis you sometimes get fifteen points for one point, that's pretty sweet. 

- The phrase 'eight times a'quandry' is wildly popular world wide, where as 'four time a'parade' is hugely insulting to fresh water river eels. 

- Eight is twice as many as four, that's almost double!

- Wow.

So was today the Best day of my life? Hell Yeah it was! 

Ps. Anyone coming over to my place in the next couple of days there's four spring rolls in the fridge, help yourself I don't really want them. 

The Best Day Of My Life Undertaking – therefore and existence

Today was the best day of my life, and as I write these illustrious words I have come to a time in my existence where I have noticed something about what is going on in the actuality of reality and come to an awesome conclusion based on the events which took place today. Before I come to that though I should mention some of what happened during my day.

-       I ate some delicious food and found it to be delicious.

-       I bought a second hand book of poetry and found it to be poetic.

-       I played some guitar and found it to be guitarlly.

-       I walked to the local shops and found them.

-       I had some frustrations and found them frustratingly.

Yes that’s right, four out of five things today played out exactly as they should have based on the pattern as developed above. And yet, yet, the one that fucked up was the only one where I literally ‘found’ something. And yet the things I found where things I already knew existed, and where they were, and who owned them, so I didn’t have to hand them into the lost and found.

Yes that’s right, the actuality of reality I came upon today is obvious – the words ‘actuality of reality’ are an awesome combination, and nothing is really ever found, and therefore nothing is really ever lost, and therefore I am right where I was meant to be. Woah.

The Preeminent Era of My life project – a delivery system of genius

Today was the best day of my life, because I had a huge realization, which lead to an idea, which was followed by a rather charismatic ‘uh-huh’ moment.

You see today I had to pick something up. Now normally when you pick something up your focus tends to be on picking stuff up, but because I am sweet and awesome, I can’t just think about myself, I have to also think about people who aren’t affected by my actions in anyway, but yet also have a relationship with what I am up to in a close enough way for me to be inspired enough to have them pop up in my mind.

Today, for me, that was the good people who partake it, and in fact the very notion of - delivery.

Now because I am a sweet and awesome fellow, I can’t just think about delivery when I think about delivery, I must also think about a concept which although is not exactly the same as what I am thinking about, is still close enough for me to be inspired for it to come into my mind.

Today, for me, that was the very respectable idea, and in fact the very notion of – delving.

I have often found myself delving in my life, into science, into history, into the constitutions of small island nations, into media studies, into snow banks, into top secret and highly delicate nuclear arms treaties, into a pile of fries, if it can be delved into, well then, delve I do, I delve into delving as often as anyone ever can.

Today, however, while thinking about picking my thing up, which lead to thinking about delivering things, which made me think about delving into stuff, it occurred to me that while most people who delve do so with hope and desire to extract things, information, knowledge, opportunity, snow particles, free nukes, fries – I don’t do this.

Because I am a sweet and awesome chap, and can’t think of just myself, I need to do more than extract, and also do something near enough to what I am thinking about, but close enough for it to pop into my head, which is why when I delve, I also hope to add stuff.

Today, for me, this insight led to a decision, I decided that I will no longer be delving into anything, and instead will take that time I normally delve, and switch it up and delve into a little bit of delivery.

I am going to deliver into machinery, into hope, into boxes of chocolates, into anthropology, into my subconscious, into trash heaps, into humanity, I am going to delve into delivering my ass off. I am not even going to deliver neatly; I am going to cram, shove, push, pack and even thrust stuff into anything I can get my hands on, I just want to deliver the fuck into life.

Today is the best day of my life, because I am about to deliver some kick ass shit to the world, and because I am sweet and awesome, even to my own brain. This is finally the delivery of genius!

Please note: Today’s blog was in no way inspired or in reference to the fact that the thing I was picking up today was 2500 post cards advertising my upcoming Adelaide Fringe Festival show where it turns out I had accidently used the word ‘delivers’ where I totally meant to use the word ‘delves’.

Click on me to come see my show!