And Now The December Journal of "Chrissie Orment", The Christmas Ornament

Hi everyone, my name is Chrissie, um, Chrissie Orment, I live in Wisconsin USA, oh yeah, and I am a Christmas tree ornament. Um, so yeah, Fleeting Forever asked me to write a journal this month so you all could know what the Christmas period is like for us ornaments. Um. Here's a selfie of me, so you know what I look like and that... 

                                     Me! 

So yeah, here it goes. 

December 1st

It’s December again. It's been another tough year. But if I’m lucky I’ll be out of this storage box soon, and once again hanging out in the open, on the tree, bringing Christmas joy to everyone. 

I cannot wait. 

I’m so excited!

Then again, careful what you wish for Chrissie, you did this to yourself the last three years, the box opens earlier than ever, you think all your Christmases have come at once, and suddenly the complaining starts.

“You’re out too early,” 

"I don't want to see a tree yet"

"Already?" 

"What's next hot cross buns in January?"

"I haven't even digested Thanksgiving yet!"

"What's this on my face, a spider? Aaagghhh, oh shit, no it was just a bit of tinsel. Tinsel already? AAGGGGGGAGG"

"No, not yet, NOOOOO"

The humans complain. They're ALWAYS complaining about how early we come out. 

Those bastards. "Hey, I don't want to hear you complaining dick. Try spending a year in a box and then have people MAD they let you out"

No no Chrissie, don't be like that. You're all about joy. So BE about joy. 

It's December, Christmas is coming, yay. 

December 3rd

Still in the box. Which is fine. Like I said, the it's too early. Sure I WANT to be out. I LOVE being out, so why wouldn't I want that? Yet, I don't LOVE when the humans complain about me and my friends being out. 

I try not to get angry. I really do. I'm all about joy! 

But...  I let it get to me some years. I just do. I get my feelings hurt. I cry. I start threatening to spot some human who is barefoot, and then time it just right, and then jump off the tree, crash into eighty glass pieces all over the floor and fuck up that barefoot for life. 

But it’s not worth it Chrissie. 

I remind myself. And it isn't. Plus I'm still in the box, so what are we arguing about anyway. 

Joy. Joy. Joy. 

YES! 

December 4th 

I mean, Mike the bulb did that eight years ago, just dove right in front of a barefoot, and the human who's foot he went into was walking again by Valentines Day!

But where’s Mike now? 

Landfill. That’s where. 

Oh and that one little piece of him is still in that humans foot. But still. Hold it together. Be strong. The humans come around in the end.

Besides, still in the box, so yeah, it's irrelevant. 

December 12th 

Joy to the world. Joy Joy and more Joy. 

Still in the box. 

Which is great. It really is. Absolutely NO danger of being accused of being out too early this year. 

Lol. 

I was stressing for nothing. 

Just sitting tight in a box stressing for nothing. 

In a box, in an attic, in the dark. No reason to stress. 

Plus, Christmas is SOOOON. Well sooonish. 

Awesome! 

December 13th 

Still in the box. 

December 14th 

Still in the box. 

December 15th 

Um, STILL IN THE FUCKING BOX. 

Joy. Joy. Joy. Joy. Joy. Joy. Come on Chrissie. 

Fuck. I am ready to spread joy. Come on. Open the box. Lets get this on. 

December 16th 

Come on fuckers, this is getting ridiculous. I know you've had a hard year too, but us Ornaments and the other decorations are STILL IN A BOX! 

December 17th 

Fuckers, can you hear me, fuuucccckers!

Joy joy fucking joy. 

December 18th 

Alright just let us out. I get it humans. I do. You were ALSO worried about being "too early". Hey who amongst us has never worried about being "too early" if you know what I mean (if you don't I was referencing premature ejaculation). 

But hey, good news, you don't have to worry about it. It's December 18th. No one is going to call you "too early" this year. You nailed it! Congratulations buddy. Well done. 

Now, open up this little box, fling me and my friends on the tree, and let us spread some fucking joy, alright? 

December 19th 

Look, I am trying to be nice, but this is definitely NOT a "too early" scenario now. In fact you are very close to copping a "no decorations, what are ya some sort of grinch?" type comment. And you do NOT want that. And you know who else doesn't want that.... MEEEE! 

Come on Chrissie, Joy, all you need is Joy... Joy ta Joy ta Joy. 

December 20th

Fuck joy. 

Let us out of this box. OUTTT!! 

Hang us, and wrap us, and light us UP! Let's get this happening. 

December 21st 

Seriously, still not. We are STARS. Stars dang it. 

I mean Jeremy the star ornament is LITERALLY a star. 

People go crazy when they see us. Crazy for joy. Get us up. Up up up. 

December 22nd 

Then again, now that I think about it, no one EVER goes crazy for ME.

Hang on (a rad term by the way, reminds people of things that hang, rad stuff, like ornaments and shit) Sheila, the Angel, always gets “awwwwws”, and “oh it’s so wonderful”, and "wow, lovely, nice, an angel" and stuff like that. Sure, she's an angel. 

Horban, the picture of The Simpsons at Christmas, get's "Oh cool, I think I have seen that episode". Yay, good for him. He deserves it. It's a good TV show. 

And then Gary, the anatomically correct naked Jesus ornament, well he always gets laughs. Big laughs too. 

But those laughs are cheap. Shitty shock value laughs. "Hey look it's Jesus's dick" laughs. 

And I get that, normally a naked Jesus ornament has like the Ken Doll nothing, or a sheath. Gary has full dick and balls, hilarious. I'm not denouncing that. I enjoy a cheap laugh too. 

But then where are my laughs. 

I mean I am funny dang it. 

I am a Christmas ornament of a Christmas tree that’s hung ON a Christmas tree. It’s perfect fucking irony. 

A tree on a tree - why does a tree need a smaller tree? Is there an even smaller ornament of another tree on me? And then another on that? 

It's brilliant. It's a thought poker. And it's IRONIC. 

But these numbskulls don’t get irony do they? “Oh it’s Jesus’s penis, ha ha fa la la la la fuck you”. "A tree on a tree, I don't get it, let's look at Jesus's penis again". Fuck. 

December 23rd 

I bet that if I was in England I'd get laughs. 

Yeah, over there they’d get me. I’ve seen Ricky Gervais’s The Office Christmas special; those Brits love irony. Here in America though, not at all. 

You know what, I wish America had lost the damn War of Independence. Yeah I said it. The people would be toasting the Queen, and loving me. What a beautiful thought.

Then again, let’s face it. Regardless of whether I lived in England, America, or the United States of the British Empire, I know what happens, people see Gary and laugh, then they see me, I get no laugh, or maybe even I do get a laugh, but then they look six inches to my right and yell “yaaaaaayyy candy cane!” 

Candy Fucking Cane. 

The Christmas ornament that people can stick in their fat mouths. 

I just can’t compete with peppermint. Those assholes go nuts for them. I don’t get it. They don’t eat peppermint all year and yet now suddenly it’s like giving a dead squirrel to a wild dog. 

They rip em open with their teeth. Spit plastic on the floor. Suck on em till they’re pointy spikes, crunch them till they’re not sure if they’re eating shards of candy or shards of broken tooth, but they don’t care. 

"Just look over there idiots, there’s much better stuff to consume" I want to scream. "There’s snowmen shaped sugar cookies on that table, on the mantle there’s chocolate in the advent calendar, that bowl in the kitchen has sweet rum soaked salted caramel eggnog". Fuck, if I had a mouth I would deck the halls with the sound of me licking that bowl so clean the glass would turn back to sand. 

Stupid humans.

Then again, I guess that’s only the set up of a wealthy family’s house. 

I hope this year, if I ever get out of this fucking box, I hope I’m in the house of a REALLY rich family. 

Shit, that sounds so wrong when I write it down. I’m not a snob am I?

The thing is, there’s just more presents. It makes the whole picture of the tree much prettier. It’s ok that to want that right. It’s literally my job. Be part of a beautiful tree scenario. That's the gig. 

You know and something about joy I think. 

Why does Santa give more gifts to the rich anyway? It makes no sense. They already have more stuff. Then he claims the test is actually a naughty vs. nice battle? 

So a poor kid is all nice, and get’s squat, and rich little shit naughty fucks the world, and get lots? 

Why?

Oh wait a minute. No way. Holy fucking Night. Is Santa trying to teach Americans… IRONY! That fat genius. I love you Santa. And those idiot humans have no idea. Morons!

Joy joy joy joy joy joy joy joy joy! 

December 24th

I don't CARE that I'm still in the box. I finally understand Christmas. Soon the world will all know what Irony is, and THEN when I am out, I will be the funniest fucking ornament EVER! 

Wait.

I think I hear something. 

The attic stairs are opening. Hark now, hear the Angeles sing! Our box is moving. Shelia, Gary, everyone, wake up! 

Look the box is opening. Look, sunlight, tinsel, stockings, eggnog, SNOW! It’s all so beautiful. Yay. Oh my god I take it all back. This is the best. It’s here. It’s Christmas. The most wonderful time of the year! Joy to world, and Merry fucking Christmas everyone!

The End 

PS. 

- Chrissie DID get some laughs this year. Although mostly because someone stuck her up the Angels butt. 

- The last bit of Mike finally fell out of the humans foot while he was getting a foot massage by a new lover - he cried like a baby - she found it "the sweetest thing ever" - they're getting married and have a "zero glass bauble policy" at their wedding. Sandra "Christmas All Year" Klops has yet to RSVP. 

- The anatomically correct naked Jesus was deemed "inappropriate" this year and put in the bin. 

- Irony went on to be named "finally funny" by Newsweek Magazine. 

- No one is sure if a tree on a tree IS irony or not though. 

- Chrissy now works for the stage show Jagged Little Pill. 

- "Joy Joy Joy Joy Joy" is still a lovely sentiment.   

- Merry Xmas, and Happy Holidays and such. 

- Yay. 

"Things I Like" with Dave

 It's that exciting time on the blog once more, where the fantastical turns into... 

"Things I Like"... with Dave. 

This is the show where there are some "things I like", and I'm Dave - the very same Dave as in the title of this show, a show titled... 

"Things I Like"... with Dave. 

Although if it were a different Dave that sure would be fun too. 

I mean imagine the intro to the show THEN! 

'This is "Things I Like" with Dave - and I am your host Dave - no not the Dave from the title, another one - and this is the show where there are things I like with Dave, presented by me, a different Dave to the Dave who likes the thing". 

Now thats the kind of show I want to watch. 

It's got everything. Things. Likes. Daves. Other Daves. 

How MANY Daves? I don't even KNOW anymore. 

Is that a Dave over there? MAYBE. I am not going to ask his name. What if we've met before and I don't remember. That would be embarrassing. With Dave. 

Thats not a chance I am going to take. Or am I? 

Now we also have MYSTERY and SUSPENSE. 

Ok, I didn't ask his name. That's RESOLUTION baby. 

But his name may still be Dave. MORE mystery! 

In fact I enjoy the idea of this show so much - I am going to declare "Things I Like with Dave, with your host Dave, no not the one from the title, another one" - to be todays "thing I like" with Dave, in this case this one, as in this Dave, as in the Dave from the title of the show we are currently on, not the miscellaneous hypothetical Daves from the new show which has at least one more Dave than this show has, and is the thing I like today, rather than the show we are on at the moment. 

I like it. 

                                                         A Dave? The Dave? No one KNOWS!

Well I think we have answered this one:

- There may be more than one Dave. 

- But no one knows for sure. 

- Which is great, because mystery is great.  

- There may be more than one Dave. 

- Was that last line an intentional repetition or an accidental repetition? 

- I don't KNOW. 

- Ooooh, mystery. 

- "Oooooh, mystery"... with Dave - would also be an awesome show. 

- Repetition is great. 

I like it. 

Ikea: The Big Questions The Mainstream Media Refuse To Ask

It's been a huge week for Ikea. 

Their stores AROUND the WORLD are still a thing, PLUS in a huge twist of glee, in the story that EVERYONE has been talking about, 30 odd people this week were forced to spend a night in an Ikea in Denmark. And not, as most would assume, because they couldn't find the exit, even though they swear, they "HAVE been following the arrows", but in fact, because of a snowstorm. 

You can read all about it with the below link. Or I can sum it up for you. Here I go. There was a snowstorm. A bunch of people got trapped. It wasn't too bad because Ikea has both beds and food (possibly meatballs - although that is not confirmed nor denied in the story). The End. 

Snowstorm Trapped Customers

It's a lovely story. And probably the biggest story out of Denmark all week (or millennia). 

And when stories this big happen, you get professional journalists AROUND the WORLD asking questions. Big questions. Big questions like: 

- I wonder if they got to sleep in the beds?

- Oh I see it says here that they did. So, um, how about that weather? 

Excellent questions journalists. I enjoyed them immensely. I also enjoyed the answers: 

- Yes, it says on the press release there, they did. 

- Snowy. Did you not get the press release? 

Excellent stuff. Story over. 

Um not so fast Ikea. I am ALSO a journalist, and I have some questions too. In fact I have some big questions. Questions which the mainstream media REFUSE to ask. 

1. Every time I have been to an Ikea, I have always had the same thought - "I bet a dozen people live in this store and no one has noticed". Well where did THOSE people all go this particular night? 

2. Surely when they were picking beds at least one person said "you can't have that one, that's the one I always sleep in, I mean, that's the one I am going to sleep in for the... first time... tonight", right? 

3. It says in the story that six customers got stuck. SIX? No no no. Every Ikea on earth has at LEAST ten thousand customers at all times. What happened to the rest of them? 

4. Why don't any of the stories I have read about the incident even mention meatballs? 

5. Plus the stories don't mention the one customer who couldn't help but joke around with gems like "If this lasts I know who I am going to eat first" and "I guess we better start repopulating the earth"? It is not possible there wasn't one dude doing that. So what happened to him?

6. I'll just say it - what IS in those meatballs? Cause they are delicious. 

6. Doesn't it snow in Denmark all the fucking time? 

7. By all accounts everyone was treated delightfully by the staff, and they all had a good time. Are good natured Ikea shopping experiences how Denmark consistently finished atop of the list of the world's happiest people for a good decade? 

8. But also the last three years they have lost that spot to Finland, so what the fuck is happening in Finnish Ikeas? 

9. Plus Ikea is Swedish, how are THEY not number one?

10. How do I turn my automatic windscreen wipers back on in my Volvo? 

11. Ikea sells One Billion Meatballs a year, One Billion! And yet when I go to the local supermarket, at least in Australia, why is there is no one competing for those big meatball monies?

12. For shame big beef! Or big pork! Or big beef and pork and etc blend depending on what it actually in those things! 

13. Actually, now that I think about it, I can think of a half dozen chicken product companies in the supermarket - Ingham, Steggles,  Lilydale, the one with the rooster for a logo, the one with a lady chicken for a logo - but I can't think of a single equivalent for beef or pork products. CONSPIRACY!

14. Fuck, does that not exist? Thats a potential HUGE market just there waiting! 

15. Invented by me, right now, copywrite, trademark, no takey bakies. And 

16. How do I get my phone to automatically connect to my Volvo? 

So answer me Ikea. Don't make me come down there to investigate in person please. I can never find the exit, and yes "I HAVE been following the arrows, I swear". 

PS. Apparently people also got stuck overnight in the neighboring toy store. Which has been practically ignored by the media. Um Um Um? 

- Did it turn into the movie Big Two? 

- Was Tom Hanks there?

- What ever happened to that kid who played his friend? 

- I liked him. Or did I?  

- Wait a second, wait a second - Bigs girlfriends other love interest was the dad from Home Alone. First he loses his girlfriend to a kid, and then just LEAVES his kid behind. Um CONSPIRACY! 

Celebrations, and other things you should stick in a bowl and eat

 Well it's happened. 

That's right, good people of the Expansion Fantastical universe- we posted our one thousandth blog the other day!

That's one THOUSAND times, I, David Tieck, have had a bunch of thoughts, and thought - you know what, these are thoughts that I think the internet will think are worth thinking about. 

And I was right. The internet thought - yay. And they turned those yays into clicks. And they turned those clicks into reads - in fact, we also just hit our 990000 read!

Who'd have thought, that thoughts like these thoughts could reach so many thousandths of thinkers? Yay. 

It's a time to celebrate, sure. But it's also a time to reflect. And with reflection comes questions. So I put it out to the universe - ask me anything you want to know about the blog. And the universe... responded. 

"Ok, so, but like what the hell is the blog actually ABOUT"? 

People have been asking me this question for decades. On planes, on bikes, on trikes, on trains on rails, on railway style trapeze home game editions of the price is right, on homing pigeons with their settings set to "human size parcels", on Parcels United Brand skateboards, and even on NON transport devices like in cars or on Star Trek style "transport" pods. 

And my answer to this question has come on lunar modules, in buses, on planes, and even on Star Wars style "transport" pods. 

And that answer has been a resounding - YES. 

Because the blog is about THIS!

But it's also about other things. Many other things. Many other things like...

Helmets, and carpet, and the crushing defeat of the corn starch industry’s infiltration of rice bubbled cereals - HEY corn starch - FUCK OFF! 

Rice bubbled cereals are RICE's backyard - and you can get the fuck off rice's yard!

I mean, come on corn starch, keep to your own lane. Plus why do you even want to be in Rice's yard, when you have a whole LANE, and it's a great lane. 

Consider these amazing things ALREADY in your lane:

 - Cornflakes

- Corn Bubbles 

- Corn Starch Marching Men From Venus

- Corn Krispe Bites 

- Corns In a Bowl With Milks

- Corn Horngers 

- Corn Flavored Corn Corns and 

- Corn Flaked Bubbles of Corn Clusters 

Oh fuck. I have just been informed that not a single member of the list above is a real cereal. Not one. Yet each and everyone is spectacularly AWESOME. 

Well I think we've answered this one: 

"What the hell is the blog actually ABOUT"? 

It's about I, David Tieck, finally being declared the new LORD of cereal! 

And it's about getting me, David Tieck, finally officially DECLARED KING of CEREAL IDEAS, and possibly getting my name legally changed to David "CEREAL KING" Tieck. 

First next step: Call me Kelloggs and/or the other one (or ones? Who pays attention to cereal?) - I am ready to take my RIGHTFUL place at the HEAD of your cereal research and development department! No one knows the game better than me! 

First Job: Change the department name to - The Cereal Kings Workshop (please note, I just come up with the ideas, someone else can "work" them out). 

Wait wait wait, I just had another idea - new shipping method - Homing Pigeons with their settings set to - Cereal Sized Packages. 

I can't be stopped. 

Hire me FAST Kelloggs and/ or the other one (or ones), or this guy thinks that you'll have thoughts about how you should have thought to hire me, sooner! 

I think. 

Ps. Thanks for the reads. YAY! 

And now, finally, reasons why "The Sangriham" is a bad name for a Sandwich

 There's a lot of good names for sandwiches out there. 

- The Ruben 

- The Club

- The BLT 

- The BLAT

- The BLAT but replace the T with a G please - what "G" sir? - I don't care, I just want to hear you say BLAG, ha ha "Blaaaaggg". 

- The Meatball Sub 

- The Number 2

These are sandwich names that have lived on in folklore, been referenced in great films, been referenced in mediocre films, and possibly even television shows (I'm not sure, I only researched films for this blog). 

We love these sandwich names. And for good reason, they are GREAT sandwich names. Solid, rich, descriptive, and sometimes, with some minor adjustments to ingredients, HILARIOUS. 

But then, oh yes... then... along comes.... The Sangriham. 

 

Oh it seems like a good sandwich name... at first. It starts with "the" which is PERFECT. It sounds fun, sophisticated, epic but also accessible, regal yet also a tad like an old motel which has seen better days in a town which has seen better decades. It burst onto the stage, and the stage seemed crafted for it's arrival. 

"I'll have The Sangriham", people imagined characters in films saying. Mediocre films AND great ones, and possibly even TV shows, although we didn't research that. 

"Sorry we're out of The Sangriham" we imaged the reply, in gritty dark dramas. Or "Great choice, coming right up" in witty, possibly New York or San Francisco based romantic comedies. 

Did that happen though? No it didn't. Why? Because, sadly, it turned out The Sangriham was a BAD name for a sandwich. Some even say "really" bad. 

And now finally the reasons why it is a bad name, (or as some say "really" bad) are to be revealed, exclusively here. 

The Sangriham

1. The name sort of hints that the sandwich may have ham in it. But does it? Yes. It's an optional extra. Well fuck you, I don't LIKE ham dicks. 

2. Is there just one single The Sangriham on earth? Nope. Fuck you, I wanted an exclusive. 

3. "Where's my mummy?" 

"Um, I don't know Maam, why do you ask?" 

"Well I'm not going to asks for a The Sangriham, am I. The grammar is AWFUL". 

4. Or is it the "word order" rather than the "grammar". 

5. Fuck, now that I think about it I don't think me actually knows what grammar actually is? It's not spelling, it's not punctuation, or is it both of those things? 

6. And why do people care, it's all just words. 

7. And dots and dashes and shit. 

8. Plus - dot? How the fuck did the dot get to be the "and that's final" punctuation. "I'm not going to buy a bucket of sand ever again period. They have them for free at the beach. If you bring your own bucket". Being a sentence with prime use of both the word "period" and it's punctuation representative the dot, to represent the phrase "and that's final". 

9. Fuck that - dot does not deserve this power. 

10. I mean what is a dot? Is it like the point of an arrow. Because that's the scary bit of an arrow, and I am FOR removing that. 

11. Now, "A pointless arrow", now that's a killer name for a sandwich. It's witty AND it makes you think. 

12. "The Sangriham" on the other hand would be an awesome name for a building. Possibly one where people gather. "I'll see you at The Sangriham" would be something people would say. Then they would discuss specifics, like time, dress code, and possibly details about the other people whom may be gathering there. Hell Yes! 

And lastly because. 

13. The Mustard was passed use by date. Yuck. 

Well I think we've answered this one. 

- Someone should name a building The Sangriham, with a sandwich shop, which sells a sandwich called A Pointless Arrow, and with IN date mustard. 

- Fuck off dots! 

- Blag - ha ha! 

The surprising truth about being mistaken for a beaver

Well I think it goes without saying, it's pretty dang nice to be back here, at the blog, on the blog, and for those of us who are not here, (perhaps they are over there, out the back or maybe even somewhere in the  elsewhere zone), I think we can be sure, they too are happy, to be here. 

It's nice. It's nice to be chosen to write this blog that I created. It's nice. 

I'll tell ya what is probably NOT nice though... being mistaken for a Beaver. 

Consider this: 

"Hey Beaver..." 

"Who me?"

"Yeah you, the beaver" 

"Oh sorry, I am not a beaver, I'm actually an adult human-being. Plus we are here in Australia, a country with no beavers" 

"What about at the zoo?" 

"You have me there pal - and it is definitely nice to be reminded occasionally that swift assumptions can often be wrong and harmful to my OWN self - in terms of the way they make me foolish - or worse swift to judge - or worse still something worse, like maybe a thorn in the toe, or even a toe in the thorn, no one ever thinks about it from the thorns point of view -

    'Hi I'm a thorn'

    'Here, go in a toe' 

    'What... a TOE? I can't get a rib? A kidney? Even an ankle? Give me an ankle at least man, I can't go home for Christmas and tell mum and dad I ended up as a fucking toe thorn!"

"Yeah, that's AWFUL sounding - so I thank you" 

"No, I thank YOU beaver man" 

Nope - see, I proved myself wrong. Being mistaken for a beaver is clearly actually the pathway to great learning, and is therefore great for humanity, and should in fact be the cornerstone of the educational system from now on. 

Well I think we've answered this one. 

- Being mistaken for a beaver is rad. 

- Being a thorn in a toe is fucking awful. 

- And being here on the blog is nice, even if we're not here at all but in the elsewhere zone, it's just great that that is some how also here. 

Help Save Education - Mistake an adult human for one of these TODAY 

Ps. This might be a gopher, I can't tell the difference. 

Hollywood finally explained!

Welcome to the fanatical, 

This is the blog where we’ve discovered that blogs are awesome -  and this one in particular is both awesome AND deep down in a steadfast march towards one MILLION reads, something we’d like to achieve so we could say 

“We’ve had a million reads, ACE”. 

Sometimes on the blog we check in on that quest! 

And other Times we don’t even mention the quest! 

 Which creates suspense. 

“Will it be mentioned?”

“Not sure pal” 

“Oooohhh suspenseful” 

Is how we imagine conversations about this take place. 

Sometimes we wonder if we’ll one day be invited to participate in one of these conversations, or perhaps even be sent a free ticket to a dramatic recreation of one of those conversations repurposed as a play! 

Perhaps a play full of intrigue, humor and drama that’s sure to set the avant-garde underground theater movement into full joyful hysterical glee! For finally the 21st century will have produced a play that fits nicely alongside Artaud, Bracht, Shepard and that one guy that did that thing with the banana that were not supposed to talk about publicly, only in basement coffee shops filled with intellectuals and drunks that can’t get up the stairs. 

But we have not yet been to that play yet. Which means that it hasn’t happened yet OR our tickets got lost in the mail. Which one is it? We don’t know ….

Suspense….

“Which one is it?”

“Not sure pal” 

“Ohhhh suspenseful” 

Is how that conversation just went down in the office. 

It was a nice change from wondering if Greg, in the legal department, brought in lunch or will be going out. 

“Which one is it?” 

“He brought it, he always brings it pal”

“Well that’s not suspenseful at ALL” 

Is how that game goes on. 

It’s not a very fun one. 

Luckily we have the old “ one MILLION reads” thing to entertain us these days. Something we’d like to achieve, because we’d get to say “we’ve had a million read, ace”. 

But what number are we up to today?

We’re on our phones and don’t know how to check. Sorry. 

“But will we find out tomorrow?”

“Maybe, or maybe the next day pal”

“Oooh suspenseful”. 

Is how the conversation just happened on the moon. 

But are they moon humans or moon aliens? 

We may never know…

The End

Drama

Ps. Wait. So that character on the show Entourage was an actor who called himself “drama”? Oh come on man, that’s silly, you can’t create any suspense that way. 

“Hey Drama I heard you got a new role, what is it comedy? Avant-garde? Drama? 

“It’s drama pal” 

“Ok, do you mean you got cast in a drama, or are you telling me your name again?”

“I don’t know pal, take your pick?”

“Ok, I take it back, the suspense right now is REAL” 

“Ok, great, maybe you stould turn this conversation into a play?” 

“That’s a great idea, should it be a comedy? Avant-garde? Drama?”

“Drama”

“Again, is that your advice, or are you just telling me your name again”

“Drama” 

“Ok, I think maybe it’s the second one. Hmmm, you know what, I’ll just make it a avant-garde” 

“Banana” 

The End 

Is how that conversation would go down. 

Pps. Oh fuck, on Entourage the character  Drama ends up as a cartoon character called Johnny Banana! This exact exchange must have happened which gave rise to that show within the show! I finally understand how TV is made. Woo hoo! 

Ppps. The number is at 9 hundred something something something. One million here we come! Ace. 

Pppps. If you want more information on the inner workings of Hollywood and/or the show Entourage , please leave your questions in the comments 

Pppps. I wonder what people will ask? 

Ppppps. Ooooh, suspenseful 

The Society - A poem

 

I own a shirt 

Mine's red 

Which makes me the BEST 

Or at least better than folks who don't own a red shirt 

At least during the game "who owns the most red shirts" 

In other circles 

Such as down at the Red Shirt Society of Red Shirt Owners 

I often don't even finish in the top five best 

When it comes to red shirt owners 

Which sucks because at the Society, anyone who fails to finish in the top five 

Has to give their red shirts to the top five winners

Which is a rule that I think, 

And this might just be me, 

But I think makes it hard to crown a variety of top five most red shirt owners 

Over time 

And I didn't join the Red Shirt Society of Red Shirt Owners to AVOID variety 

I'll you THAT! 

I might make a complaint at the next "How to keep everything the same" meeting. 

Oh no no, 

At the Societies Annual "wear a red shirt, variety sucks" ball. 

OORRRR. yes yes yes 

I'll raise it next weekend at the  "No Variety, EVER, if you're looking for Variety fuck off somewhere else, cause you ain't getting it here" Sadie Hawkins Dance! 

Yes. 

Variety, here we come! 

The End 

Update: They didn't go for it. They actually told me to fuck off. 

It's ok though, I've joined a NEW Society. 

The Variety Society of Variety and other sorts Of Variety Society 

It's AWESOME. 

The uniform is BLUE!