It's back baby

My internet has been down for a couple of days, grrrrrr, but now its back baby, and I can respond to all my lovely comments.

Hey get this one, what do you call it when your internet down? Annoying! (not so much a joke as a statement of truth born out of frustration and put into a question and answer type dealy)

By the way, fuck you NBC. First you take away my beloved Conan's show, now your sending repeats back to Australia denying me his last couple of days of hilariously ripping you a new asshole.


By the way, when you go to a restaurant they always assume you are there for a party. Smith party of four! Which makes sense because when I want to really party hard I always call up a friend and say “dude, wanna go to Ihop”


Speaking of parties, when I blow my nose I always look into the tissue to see how much snot and what colour it is. When I scratch my balls I always sniff my fingers after to see how they smell. When I take of a condom I’ve just blown a load in I always hold it up to see how much I’ve filled it up, and I squeeze it to see how thick it is, but if I get a pimple I never squeeze it, because pimple puss is fucking gross.

Ok, I’m officially scared

I’ve started sleep walking again.


It’s been a while. Back when I had a real job I would unplug and sometimes hide my alarm while I was asleep so I wouldn’t have to get up and go to work. In the end I had to set about ten alarms and sticky tape down the alarm on button so it would be harder to turn off while asleep.


Sometimes I would have conversations with people that I remembered as dreams. I would say weird stuff. I have one horribly terrifying memory that I once went into my mother’s room and asked if I could get in bed with her, and asked her some questions about sex, and even though she never said anything, and I only remembered it as a dream, I kind of thought I may have been sleep walking, I still fucking hope that was just a dream (but do you remember just a dream for twenty years?)


Apparently some times I just talk gibberish while asleep. I’ve been known to write a little, to paint a little, and I am sure lots of times I have just done nothing much so not even known that I sleep walked (slept walked?)


So last night while asleep I got up, came out into my living room, got on the computer where I proceeded to responded to a couple of people on here, and then re-tweeted two random tweets I had tweeted months ago, I even recycled one of my poor cheese tweets (plus when twitter became big I fucking hated it, and I still kind of hate myself for falling on the band wagon, although thinking of tweets has inspired some of my favourite jokes I’ve written, so blah, you know?) I have no idea what I could possibly have been dreaming about which would have inspired me to do what I did last night though. I woke up with no memory of my dreams at all, which is not my usual way.


Here is the thing though, nine nights out of ten I can fly in my dreams, but I always have some sort of troubles with it, so it’s always immensely frustrating, and while I am here in ....Australia.... I am living fifteen floors up, and I am terrified of taking a frustrating sleep walking fly off my balcony. Ever since I bought this place I have been worried I might do it. I have made a point to tell many people that if I get found one morning in a dead pile on the street in front of the building then it was NOT suicide. I have either been murdered or thought I could fly in a dream and tried to sleep walk across Sydney Harbour. Even if you read the book I wrote with a lead character who wants to commit suicide, that doesn’t mean me. Even though I was actually borderline suicidal for much of my teens and early twenties (possibly getting into bed with your mom can do that to you) I am definitely NOT anymore. (I’ll probably write a lot more about this stuff one day, to be completely honest I have blocked out most of the memories from this time of my life and I am both extremely curious to unlock those memories and frightened to unlock them. Is it wrong that I kind of want to get therapy to unlock these memories mostly in the hope I can turn them into stories for my books or stand up?) Anyway, I have long feared accidently jumping off the balcony, but up until now I haven’t caught myself sleep walking since I have been in this place (I took two sleeping pills last night, just over the counter stuff, but I WONT be pulling them out again for a while).

I didn’t mean for this blog to get into this serious stuff, and I hope to not continue to sleep walking, but if I do here are -

Things I hope to do while sleep walking

Finally figure out how to get back into America (where I only have a one story frustrating sleep walk off the balcony

Go to the gym (and tape myself doing it so I know for sure I went – also eat something healthy just for the hell of it)


Cure AIDs (you know, cause people would kind of like that I think)


Shit on a pigeon (for good luck)


Formerly change the name of ‘Coca-cola’ to ‘Coke’ (It’s about time, am I right?)


Vomit on my balcony (because I like watching the birds eat it plus you know, I might slip on it bang my head and wake up so I don’t jump off the balcony)


Invent a magical tile configuration (that you can just look at and everything is awesomeousness)

Anyone else got some funny sleep walking stories?

Point your telescopes at the Necessity

Little known fact: The telescope was originally invented for looking at stars!!!!

Then some dude was like 'hey man I can see the stars without this you tool' where upon the telescopes primary use was reverted to trying to spot unsuspecting naked chicks doing their dishes.

So three years ago today, I wiped the shaving cream off my face that was applied via the paint brush of an extremely ugly stripper's bad fake breasts, whom someone hired for my 30th birthday, I grabbed a mate, jumped on a plane to Vegas and embarked on freakin awesome, and huge adventure. It's

The Necessity of Excessively: Turning 30 coast to coast to coast to coast to coast

Find the links to every chapter right here (it is my birthday after all)

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=512119012


Actually Dave, stop being lazy - ok David you pushy mother fucker, I'll re-link them all now


The Necessity of Excessively: Turning 30 coast to coast to coast to coast to coast

By David Tieck

Part 1

Chapter 1

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=485070355

Chapter 2

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=485073196

Chapter 3

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=485220409

Chapter 4

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=485226469

Photos for chapters 1-4

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=485237462

Chapter 5

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=485448475

Chapter 6

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=485661803

The birth of men worrying about penis size discovered

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=485813979

Chapter 7

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=485832563


Chapter 8

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=485971838

Chapter 9

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=486034011

Chapter 10

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=486277958

Photos for chapter 10 - San Francisco

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=486407560

Chapter 11

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=486443852

Chapter 12

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=486596450


Chapter 13

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=486790005


Chapter 14

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=486991114

Chapter 15

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=487199763

Chapter 16

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=487400272

A Grand Canyon Photographic experience

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=487416813

More photos for Necessity Chapter 16

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=487636951

Chapter 17

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=487650123

Dave and Greenie make the paper

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=487709559

Chapter 18

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=487819171

Chapter 19

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=488059853

A photographic Mardi Gras experience

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=488245433

Chapter 20

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=488251008

Chapter 21

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=488454854

Chapter 22

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=488549658

Chapter 23

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=488744434

Chapter 24

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=489024129

Chapter 25

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=489105456

Chapter 26

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=489312989

Chapter 27

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=489456982

Chapter 28

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=489617302

Photos for SXSW Austin

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=489716116

In case you like fire

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=489793004

Chapter 29

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=489829842

Photos for chapter 29

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=489966766

Chapter 30

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=489998636

Part Two

Chapter 1

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=490188214

Photos for chapter 1

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=490268671

Chapter 2

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=490332884

Photos for chapter 2

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=490436893

Chapter 3

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=490509662

Chapter 4

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=490712783

Chapter 5

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=490869258

Chapter 6

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=491062322

Chapter 7

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=491250520

Chapter 8

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=491439580

Chapter 9

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=491621605

Chapter 10

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=491843449

Chapter 11

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=492015667

Chapter 12

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=492274200

Photos for chapter 12

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=492385915

Chapter 13

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=492400802

Chapter 14

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=492595163

Chapter 15

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=492746386

Photos for New York

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=492777344

Arty and B&W Photos for New York

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=492783786

Chapter 16

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=492973934

Chapter 17

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=493239138

Photos for New England

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=493559812

Chapter 18

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=493568389

Photos for New England Pt 2

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=493583206

Chapter 19

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=493710477

Chapter 20

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=493916534

Chapter 21

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=494192856

Chapter 22

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=494353357

Photos for Toronto

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=494360867

Chapter 23

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=494525362

Chapter 24

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=494680015

Chapter 25

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=494889177

Chapter 26

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=494991581

Chapter 27

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=495163703

Chapter 28

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=495430018

Chapter 29

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=495590312

Chapter 30

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=495804938

Everyone is talking about talking

I was having a talk with my friend about talking the other day, oh we talked the talk the literal talk that is, the different types of talk - small talk, monologue talk, vagina talk, happy talk, sad talk, gopher talk, pillow talk, chalk talk, sweater vest talk, you know all the popular talks with the youth.


It was only after talking talk for a few hours that we both had the same thought ‘we should talk to some people about doing a tour of talks talking about talking’. After all everyone talks, it’s the best way to you know, tell people stuff and ask them stuff.


The talking about talking tour went great; it was the talk of the town. One headline proclaimed ‘everyone’s talking about talking about talking’ and another proudly stated ‘the talking about talking about talking article about the talking about talking tour has become the most talked about article of the year!’ (admittedly it was the author of the original 'everyone's talking about talking about talking article' who claimed it was the most talked about article of the year, but who were we to complain?


Success was ours. But we grew restless. We had a talk one day and we were like ‘all we’re doing is talking man, and talk is cheap according to an old cliché which is clearly false because people are definitely talking about how the talking about talking ticket prices are far too pricey, you know, just for a couple of dudes talking’.


Don’t get me fucking wrong, people were listening, hell yeah people were listening, no one would have been talking about the talking about talking tour if no one was listening, but still they had a point, we were just a couple of dudes talking.


So we decided to do something about it, and we formed a band. After a long talk we christened the band ‘Fleeting Forever’ and we were sure soon enough people would stop talking about the talking about talking tour and would all be talking about Fleeting Forever.


We wrote this song.


It’s my head


I never asked you to come to me

I don’t even know your name

But when I’m feeling sad and down

You’re always somewhat to blame


Why do you always tell me I’m not good enough?

Why do you always put me down?

Are you trying to be tough?

Does it make you feel good?

To see me here in despair

Why do you spend so much time with me?

When you don’t even seem to care


Stop talking to me

Stop talking to me

Why can’t you leave me alone?


I’m afraid

I guess I’m afraid of myself


The pessimism you plant in me

Is not what I deserve from you

You could help pick me up and make me feel good

But that’s not what you do


You choose to try and influence me

To say and do things I don’t want to do

The risks I take to satisfy you each day

Always leave me in despair

But you still follow me

To here and to there

And its clear that you don’t even care


Stop talking to me

Stop talking to me

Why can’t you leave me alone?


I’m afraid

I guess I’m afraid of myself


I’m afraid of what you’ll do to me

I’m afraid to hear your voice

I guess I’m afraid of myself


And we played it for a few people, and they were like, ‘what the hell is wrong with you, you depressing fucks’. So we had another crack at it, and wrote this thing.


Dirty river bed


I’ve made a big mistake

I didn’t think I was capable of such stupidity

Am I getting too complacent?

Have I been going for too long?

I’ve made a big mistake

If only I could tell

The difference between night and day

Am I getting too privileged?

Have I just been talking so much?


I made a big mistake

And it set me free

For one more day

So what am I going to do?

What sin can I commit to attest?

I don’t want to look in the mirror

I know I’m not looking my best

I may be laughing

But I’m laughing at myself


I’m getting ahead of myself

Showing up at the airport a day early

I’m getting behind myself

What more do I need to confess

Maybe everything is falling apart

Maybe I’m just learning

To look at the mountains reflecting

Rather than the dirty river bed


I’ve made a big mistake

I always thought reliable

Was the best I could achieve?

Am I getting too different?

Am I starting to disappear?

I’ve made a big mistake

If you want it done right

Why don’t you just do it yourself?

Am I getting too much knowledge?

Have I spent too much time in class?


I’ve made a big mistake

It seems I do still have idiocy left in me

I know I’m not the greatest

But that’s no reason to stop trying

I can’t give too much effort

I can’t move too far away


I’m getting ahead of myself

Showing up at the airport a day early

I’m getting behind myself

What more do I need to confess

Maybe everything is falling apart

Maybe I’m just learning

To look at the mountains reflecting

Rather than the dirty river bed


And we played it for a few people, and they’re like ‘seriously what the fuck is wrong with you guys, you depressing mother fuckers, plus that isn’t even structured anything like a song’.


So you know we kind of gave up for a while.

I blame TPG (because it their fault!)

My internet collapsed on me today while I was live on air with Kismet, so now I bring you


Things to do while your internet is down


- Reacquaint yourself with cavernous frustration

- Remind yourself you can survive without immediate access to porn

- Scratch off the dead skin between your toes

- Watch morning talk show hosts seamlessly segue from light hearted banter about nothing much to deep pain filled reporting on the Haiti tragedy to immediately laughing out loud at the mere thought that after the break they’ll be remembering the funniest movies of the decade

- Press on each of the bruises on your body while trying to figure out just how the fuck you got them all

- Study the brown stains on your pillow while wondering whether you can be assed to put a pillow case on

- Think to yourself ‘kittens don’t have hands they have cute little paws’ then go ‘aaawwwwwww’

- Consider stabbing a random Ford employee in revenge for their horribly annoying German Shepherd commercial

- Try to go back to sleep while clenching all of the muscles in your body cause your internet won’t fucking connect ‘connect god damn it CONNECT!’

- Wonder if anyone has ever said ‘if this boats a rockin then don’t come a knocking’ before remembering ‘ahh waves, maybe that’s why its rockin’

- Put your cell phone in your underpants and hope someone rings

- Smell your cell phone and regret that last one

- Check the current prices for flights to LA, oh that’s right your internet isn’t fucking working

- Speculate why you have barbecue sauce in your bedroom

- Think ‘ahh yeah, I see where your going with that’ but then admit to yourself that your lying



Thanks to those who came along to check it out!

Questions of the morning (even though technically its the afternoon)

Why do people eat vegetables? I tried it two nights ago, and ate a cob of corn, and I swear every god damn kernel just came out in the shit I just took (plus I chew, I swear I do, does corn reform in your ass?)

How does Jay Leno still get great jobs when I can't get shit (even corny shit)?

How on earth do three teenage girls go through about 5 rolls of toilet paper in about eight hours?

Will any of these questions not be at least a little bit about shit?

If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it does Tiger Woods make a point of cheating on his wife with it? (written way more closely to the release of the scandal, but I don't think I released is mediocre hilarity at the time)

How is it possible that three teenage girls staying in my house meant I ended up watching the first third of an awful, awful, awful fucking unbelievably bad, Jesse Metcalf (or whatever his fucking name is) movie and then going to bed relatively early instead of having fun?


Do you like big action films, blood and gore, and death – well have you considered becoming a dental hygienist? Its all the thrills of an action film, gadgets, blood, fear, heroes, villains, so make every day of your life like Die Hard – live exciting, dental hygienist exciting!


I just ate the south beach diet book, so how does this work, the paper rips up the inside of your intestines so you lose intestine weight?


And now for a little known fact: People who like sleeping on a soft mattress are 78% more likely to have one day licked a beehive, mmmm honey.

Now everything is going to be awesomeousness for everyone!

David 'Jetlag' 'Random Impish Rain' 'The bar tailed Godwit' Tieck joins (on a trial basis sort of) Full Circle With Kismet.

(By the way I am currently in bed, drenched in sweat and my computer is making weird bell noises - hell yeah, I guess)

At least one of us on this show invented a new form of non-flammable toilet paper - freeing all fart lighters and spicy food lovers from horribly burned assholes (I hope it was Kismet, because it wasn't me, and I'd hate to be made a liar here).

Listen tomorrow, I'll be on Skype from Sydney Australia on a poor built in computer mike talking in Seattle, and it will be 8am my time, which is about six hours before my usual wake up time, and I will still be drunk from the night before, hell fucking yeah this is going to be something (assuming something may equal good or bad or weird or train-wreck or hell yeah life changing)

Blog talk radio motherfuckers. Were going to change the, you know, time you spend listening to it, because if your listening to it because of this blog, but you wouldn't have been otherwise, then your world has CHANGED. That's a Dave Tieck guarantee!!!!

Anyway listen please.


[Kismet]

Make me such and such!!!!

If Conan goes to fox he'll need a show after him so he can say 'stay tuned for such and such' I say MAKE ME SUCH AND SUCH!

Who's with me?

I'm serious here, its time for an unknown nutball to get a show, so my campaign starts right here (or on that other post I did yesterday to ask for this), and here I am stepping it up, this is serious -

If I get a network talk show, on episode one - I will get a vasectomy ON CAMERA!!!!

Holy ball slice.

Spread the word!!!

So much sex!!!!! Stupid bike.

I have this big pile of books in my room, most of them I've read, but then an offshoot of unread books which I pick at when in need of something to read. Just now I went to do 33 minutes on the bike in my Gym and I didn't have anything to read so I grabbed a book which was a collection of blogs from a girl who described herself as having a one track mind and wanted to write about it for a year.

I bought this a few years ago when I wrote a blog called 'Man in the city' a delightful romp through my own far less than successful sexual experienced.

Fuck me, I just realized I am about to write a blog which is pouring out of my sub-conscience 'you know you haven't been laid in a while' reserves. I used to write these all the time, poorly veiled attempts to get sympathy for not getting laid, with a hope girls want to fuck guys they feel sorry for.

Anyway, point is, I hate these fucking books, because as usual this one went like this 'I don't know whats wrong with me, I went out last night and only seven guys tried to get in my pants, I know I'm a bit fat, but I'm not like ugly ugly, so what's wrong with me?'

Fuck off.

Ok so the idea was to tell you this then randomly select a blog to re-post from the old MATC, so I just went and looked in there and its all cliche bullshit and me whining and depressing shit. Screw that.

Instead check this out:


The thing I like about prostitutes is that most of them are willing to have sex with you if you offer them money. The thing I don’t like about prostitutes is that if you offer these same women the same money to clean your house, few of them will do so – which makes me suspect that some of these whores are kind of slutty, and I don’t like slutty women


Aaaaahhh, thats better.

So I turn 33 on Monday. Fuck me. you only have a birthday with the same two digits every 11 years, feels like that should mean something other than an excuse to feel really old! I am hoping to spend that day on a plane to LA, but not sure otherwise. I feel like I should do something fucked up and crazy, which is usually my forte but I am forming a blank right now, any suggestions.

By the way it turns out that 33 minutes on an exercise bike is stupid.

The late night talk show war SOLUTION

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XSIrnJmKP50

Give me a talk show!!!! Simple. Here is a sample of one of the many show formats I can pitch to them. Can we start a give Dave 'Jetlag' Tieck a show petition, and does anyone know five million people you can get to sign it. I'm happy to go on at 1am too!!!

Tedium and magnesium

No time for comedy today :( :( :( going through the trying to get a US visa process again, its looking good but my god its tedious and painful.

Also I had to go to a meeting at the US consulate at 815am this morning, which for many is probably not that bad, but for me it was the equivalent of maybe 415am for regular souls which means my brain responds by not allowing me any sleep, not even the hint of a wink, I don't think my eyes even closed last night. I'm tired, boo.

Poor me, poor me, poor me (shut the fuck up Dave, its not that bad)

Ok, so in a big case of 'here is some I prepared earlier, here is a couple of random things (jokes) I wrote once:

When I am bored I like to buy a lipstick from a company which promises they don’t test their cosmetics on animals, and then I go ahead and stick it up a bunnies ass, because unlike some of these companies I believe in equality

When I’m bored I like to replace all the blocks of Monterrey jack cheese in my fridge with equal sized blocks of cheddar cheese, just to mess with my roommates minds. Unfortunately though I live alone, so I rarely cause the bewilderment I am seeking, although on a positive note I do really like cheese, and this way I get to eat twice as much

Even Stevens was a fucking liar, I know for a fact he once lost a dollar in a bet over who was the first person to ever arrogantly point out to a stranger in a bar that a peanut is actually a legume not a nut. Even my ass!

The irony of the arms race between Russia and the USA was that arms is actually short for 'armory', not 'Armahugganburnahhangravenium', even though far more people fear 'Armahugganburnahhangravenium' than 'armory', so suck it Gorbatrov

I put the word magnesium in in my title and now I feel an intense pressure to use it in the body of this blog, so here goes, I am going to try and write a joke about magnesium right as I write this, one so good that will blow your freaking minds and I am feeling the pressure now, so much so that this sentence I am writing right now is a clear attempt to stall in the hope that I can think of something funny about magnesium when all my brain is saying to me is 'magnesium almost rhymes with gymnasium, maybe you can do something with that?' (fuck off brain - that is a horrible suggestion). What the fuck is magnesium anyway? A metal? A chemical? Something on that periodic table thing? And why the fuck did it have to rhyme with tedium? And why is rhyming so on my mind right now? Fuck me, I'm hitting the dictionary, where all good joke writers go for material. (hell yeah, not - oh shit, Wayne's World bits Dave? You really are tired?)

Magnesium = a silver-white malleable ductile light metallic element that occurs abundantly in nature and is used in metallurgical and chemical processes, in photography, signaling, and pyrotechnics because of the intense white light it produces on burning, and in construction especially in the form of light alloys

Ok here goes, as I must go, so I need to write something here, ready, one - two - three

Do you ever find yourself trying to set off a pyrotechnical display to impress your lover, only to find out she is NOT turned on by intense white burning light coming out of your penis hole right at the moment of penetration? This is scientific proof that tedium can't be solved with magnesium!!!!!

Oh fuck hell yeah.

Possibly disgusting lessons I just learned

1. If you come home literally clenching your butt cheeks so hard that your butt is sweating profusely to hold what is a long time coming poo from exciting your rectum only to discover there is no toilet paper in the house, it fucking sucks
2. I just farted badly in the elevator then a couple got on the next floor and were both convinced that Domino's pizza had just delivered - therefore either dominos fucking sucks in Australia or my farts are freaking awesome
3. Whoever is responsible for changing the toilet paper in the toilet in my buildings gym is doing a fucking awful job
4. If you decide to use an old loaf of white bread as a toilet paper substitute then leaving the remains next to a jar of nutulla is a cruel joke to play on any chocolate hazelnut spread lovers in your house (I didn't actually do this, I did think about it, but went with a newspaper instead)
5. Newspaper does not flush well
6. Having a shower to make up for the shitty wipe (ha ha pun) you just had is not news your roommates wish to hear

Is everyone else having an awesomousness weekend?

Proof cave men were geniuses; this blog has lots of sex

Just about every animal on earth fucks the same way, doggy style, so why the fuck is this called ‘doggy’ style? Didn’t some cave men watch sabre tooth tigers fuck and say lets try it ‘sabre’ style.

No they didn’t, because the cave men had the forethought to think that one day humans will choose to keep slobbery hairy animals in our homes, and let them poo in our back yards, and we’d like to think about them while doing it from behind, after all it is the position with the least face to face, the dude can look at the dog, and the girl can look at the sheets and get turned on by her decorating skills!! Cave men = Geniuses = proven!!!

Plus doing it doggy style, if the girl doesn’t want your cum on her back to clean up, simply spray all over the floor and the dog will lick it up. You ain’t going to get no Woolly Mammoth to lick your cum off your floor, no matter how much they like doing each other from behind.

Plus lesbians have the scissor position, because of course you want to think about sharp cutting metal while rubbing your genitals together!

Also the BC people were geniuses, they didn’t just know Jesus was coming, they new when! Or how else did they know to count the years backwards? “oh shit, its 0001 BC, we better get our fucking, stealing and murdering out of the way, Jesus is coming in a year and I have a feeling he is going to ruin it all!” Thus starting the tradition of New Years debauchery!!! Thanks BC people, you don’t get the respect you deserve.

True story: On New Year Eve 1999/2000 I was at a party which sucked ball sack, and I was still in my pathetic shy stage (read I wasn’t getting even close to any girls) and so with five minutes left in the 1900s I decided to play my trump card, hope like fuck some girls would get so enthused about this infamous event that they would just, you know, grab a strange shy boy and give him a midnight kiss. So I purposely positioned myself next to three cute girls, and as the count down began, turned to face them ‘come to mamma’ (if mamma = loser) and to my shock, instead they made out with each other, one by one. And as much as I would like to see a couple of girls cut each others vaginas out with scissors, THIS display of lesbianism was merely crushing.

Later I ran into some guy fingering one of these girls on the beach the party was at in front of about a thousand people.

But don’t worry, only about a year and a half later, I DID get my first kiss of the 2000s, hell fucking yeah, the fact that this girl was making out with another dude within minutes of me was only slightly crushing. (Thanks for the warning cave men and BC pricks)

Note to self: Next time you’re at this same party and you and your friend meet two girls, one of which is proudly wearing a t-shirt that says ‘Sexpert’ on the front, choose to be the one of the two of you that says ‘If your really a sexpert prove it’ instead of the one thinking ‘you asshole, no way that will work, and you’ll just piss both these girls off’ because it turns out the one that says ‘prove it’ will soon be getting a blow job in the adjacent woods, and that’s not you

I am actually a member of sexual fetish group, we’re not weird or anything, we just like fucking dolphins in their head holes. Oh come on, don’t get mad at me, have an open mind, actually that’s why we like the dolphins, because they are literally open minded (get it, cause they have holes in their head!!!!! Hell you know yeah).

Also why do some guys like getting blow jobs while driving their car? Where the fuck are you going that you can’t pull over to enjoy having your dick sucked you selfish pricks. Plus can I come to this place you’re going, sounds like a fun time.

Oh by the way, is there a sporting team you hate? If so I’m now offering my special skills as a sport team jinxer.

Here is my record

North Sydney Bears: I was the biggest fan in the world (no exaggeration) they were kicked out of the competition after making the play offs 8 of the past ten years, and despite being over a hundred years old (long, angry story)

Arsenal: I went to see them twice while in England in two different seasons, both times they recorded the loss which was later widely considered to be the losses which cost them the title

Seattle Supersonics: I went to see them and they were dead in a couple of years

LA Lakers: I went to see them and the same year Magic Johnson got AIDs

Northern Spirit: Aussie soccer team, I bought a season ticket and within two years not only were they dead, but the entire competition was shut down for good

A lot more minor ones I can’t be bothered to list.

I am taking bids, give me money to become a fan of a team you hate and I’ll check them out and DESTROY THEM. (I can't promise to give their star player AIDs but I can sure try hard)

My mind is much frazzled today, can you tell? Not my normal focused insanity, just frazzled.

By the way brushing your teeth with broken glass is only a two birds one stone scenario if you have some left over broken glass AND are mad at your teeth and gums. I am so sick of people coming up to me and saying they killed two birds with one stone last night by brushing their teeth with broken glass and then it turns out they were only using up broken glass, but felt no ill will towards there teeth and gums (why does spell check want to change gums, do gums not really exist, have i just made that up and been using it for years and no one knows how to tell me, ok now I'm freaked out), get your clichés right you assholes.

Anyone doing anything exciting today?