Thursday, November 18, 2010
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Cash and poo and other good stuff
That's AMAZING! Money, that grimy paper and disease ridden coins that we all scrounge over has an ability to communicate in a way which makes cow excrement develop legs full of enough muscles and bones and the like to WALK!
Let me break that down. Bulls eat grass, hay (and secretly discarded happy days comics which were printed on mass but never sold and are now force fed to bulls) and their four stomachs split those delicious ingredients up into the best nutrients for making beef, leather and bull-sperm (old farmer joke - the baby bull says to the daddy bull 'hey daddy want to run down there and fuck one of those cows?' 'No son, lets walk down there and fuck ALL of those cows') and the left over crap that isn't 'leather worthy' gets dumped out as shit.
Clearly if this left over waste had any brains it would have bribed stomach three to let it at least end up in sausage mince for pizza, but the fact it now ends up as waste is proof of its ignorance and frankly lack of effort while studying during its adolescent years.
So how on earth can this stupid pile of shit form the intelligence needed to use its mind to force its body into literally changing form and growing legs (and I am guessing even FEET - which smell, and that's a big risk to take for something already odor questionable as bullshit!).
By the way 'Odor Questionable' is the new name for my new line of bath salts, the title represents the fact that the bath salts are designed to change a persons odor over the course of the bath and therefore as the product is being used the odor can't be pinpointed down to one specific thing like 'lavender' or 'vanilla blueberry' or 'sweaty glove' therefore meaning it is 'questionable'. I think this honesty in labeling will soon catapult me to the top of the bath salt game!!!! 'LOOK there is David Tieck! He's the Odor Questionable bath salt king!' the girls will scream!
Point is this - the fact that this essentially retarded bullpoo is walking merely because money has been defying its own destiny and has started speaking up tells us something. Money, like the little man, the robots in Terminator and pigeons before it, has become self aware, it now knows it exists.
But it gets worse.
Money has begun to talk!
Wait we already had established that bit.
But it is saying stuff which is influencing shit. Literally shit. And as we all know once you have the shits the next stop is the bathroom business, which leads to toilet paper, which leads to the amazon rain-forest, which is full of weird and creepy animals, which will lead it to flee the forest for more urban areas where HUMANS live and before we know it money will have US!
If this isn't stopped at some point humans will be 'influenced' by money. It will be in our ear making us do stuff for it, like shitty jobs like cleaning toilets, or even shitty jobs like become lawyers and doctors. It will make us carry it around in leather, yes leather wallets and bags (see its not just got the bullshit, but its had some solid chats with bull stomachs two and four!). It will do stuff like trick your poor friend into thinking because he has less of it that you should buy him a beer from time to time but not ever verbalize that making you think sometimes your friend is just being a tightass when actually he just can't afford it - throw him a bone you bastards (NOT a bullbone please!).
Before you know it there will be things called 'girls' who think that somehow just because men like sex more than them we should have to buy them stuff all the time.
But it gets worse. I think if we allow this to keep developing - one day money may even influence, hold your breath - BANKS!!! Those nice fellows who put ATMs everywhere so we can always get cash, and let us have plastic money lending cards in our pockets in case we have poor money management and yet impulsive spending habits!
Also I think money may have a few seductive words to say to government, but I am not worried about that, those guys just want to help the community, they're never going to be as weak and manipulation suspect as bullshit.
Yet no one has bothered to figure out just what money is saying! It's madness!
I suspect it's - 'check out my scar, I got this one falling off a skateboard when I was nine' and from there all ears a pinned in anticipation of what could come next, because no story can start like that and not be AWESOME, so before you know it money has already said 'I'm kind of nice to own and you know buy stuff with' and you haven't even realized you have fallen under its trap.
Well I say we get the scientists working on figuring out just what this money is saying right now! (Also get onto how bullshit is growing them legs, I bet a few amputees would like to know something about that!)
In the meantime I'm going to the shops.
Oh no, oh no - I think they've got MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!
Let me break that down. Bulls eat grass, hay (and secretly discarded happy days comics which were printed on mass but never sold and are now force fed to bulls) and their four stomachs split those delicious ingredients up into the best nutrients for making beef, leather and bull-sperm (old farmer joke - the baby bull says to the daddy bull 'hey daddy want to run down there and fuck one of those cows?' 'No son, lets walk down there and fuck ALL of those cows') and the left over crap that isn't 'leather worthy' gets dumped out as shit.
Clearly if this left over waste had any brains it would have bribed stomach three to let it at least end up in sausage mince for pizza, but the fact it now ends up as waste is proof of its ignorance and frankly lack of effort while studying during its adolescent years.
So how on earth can this stupid pile of shit form the intelligence needed to use its mind to force its body into literally changing form and growing legs (and I am guessing even FEET - which smell, and that's a big risk to take for something already odor questionable as bullshit!).
By the way 'Odor Questionable' is the new name for my new line of bath salts, the title represents the fact that the bath salts are designed to change a persons odor over the course of the bath and therefore as the product is being used the odor can't be pinpointed down to one specific thing like 'lavender' or 'vanilla blueberry' or 'sweaty glove' therefore meaning it is 'questionable'. I think this honesty in labeling will soon catapult me to the top of the bath salt game!!!! 'LOOK there is David Tieck! He's the Odor Questionable bath salt king!' the girls will scream!
Point is this - the fact that this essentially retarded bullpoo is walking merely because money has been defying its own destiny and has started speaking up tells us something. Money, like the little man, the robots in Terminator and pigeons before it, has become self aware, it now knows it exists.
But it gets worse.
Money has begun to talk!
Wait we already had established that bit.
But it is saying stuff which is influencing shit. Literally shit. And as we all know once you have the shits the next stop is the bathroom business, which leads to toilet paper, which leads to the amazon rain-forest, which is full of weird and creepy animals, which will lead it to flee the forest for more urban areas where HUMANS live and before we know it money will have US!
If this isn't stopped at some point humans will be 'influenced' by money. It will be in our ear making us do stuff for it, like shitty jobs like cleaning toilets, or even shitty jobs like become lawyers and doctors. It will make us carry it around in leather, yes leather wallets and bags (see its not just got the bullshit, but its had some solid chats with bull stomachs two and four!). It will do stuff like trick your poor friend into thinking because he has less of it that you should buy him a beer from time to time but not ever verbalize that making you think sometimes your friend is just being a tightass when actually he just can't afford it - throw him a bone you bastards (NOT a bullbone please!).
Before you know it there will be things called 'girls' who think that somehow just because men like sex more than them we should have to buy them stuff all the time.
But it gets worse. I think if we allow this to keep developing - one day money may even influence, hold your breath - BANKS!!! Those nice fellows who put ATMs everywhere so we can always get cash, and let us have plastic money lending cards in our pockets in case we have poor money management and yet impulsive spending habits!
Also I think money may have a few seductive words to say to government, but I am not worried about that, those guys just want to help the community, they're never going to be as weak and manipulation suspect as bullshit.
Yet no one has bothered to figure out just what money is saying! It's madness!
I suspect it's - 'check out my scar, I got this one falling off a skateboard when I was nine' and from there all ears a pinned in anticipation of what could come next, because no story can start like that and not be AWESOME, so before you know it money has already said 'I'm kind of nice to own and you know buy stuff with' and you haven't even realized you have fallen under its trap.
Well I say we get the scientists working on figuring out just what this money is saying right now! (Also get onto how bullshit is growing them legs, I bet a few amputees would like to know something about that!)
In the meantime I'm going to the shops.
Oh no, oh no - I think they've got MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!
Monday, November 15, 2010
Religion explained
It just occurred to me that last night my dream world took me into the heart of the Scientology celebrity center in Los Angeles where I saw John Travolta, Tom Cruise and for some reason Michael Douglas!!! Also everywhere you looked there were pools and hot-tubs and they were all full of topless girls.
Something about this dream made something painfully clear to me - I have a deep fear of one day getting to the bottom of my clean clothes pile and discovering that I have only one clean sock!
Cause then what the hell do you do?
Wear one dirty sock and one clean? Wear two dirty socks? Or wear no socks?
It’s a nightmare of numerous options all bone crunchingly awfully death like where they all suck and will make you look weird and other less than desirable type dealys.
It’s like being told you’re going to be shot, hung or stabbed, but only worse, cause with socks you have to live with your decision!
I really don't know how to handle this, I just hope they're is a solution to this fear in my dreams tonight, or you know, at least more topless girls.
Something about this dream made something painfully clear to me - I have a deep fear of one day getting to the bottom of my clean clothes pile and discovering that I have only one clean sock!
Cause then what the hell do you do?
Wear one dirty sock and one clean? Wear two dirty socks? Or wear no socks?
It’s a nightmare of numerous options all bone crunchingly awfully death like where they all suck and will make you look weird and other less than desirable type dealys.
It’s like being told you’re going to be shot, hung or stabbed, but only worse, cause with socks you have to live with your decision!
I really don't know how to handle this, I just hope they're is a solution to this fear in my dreams tonight, or you know, at least more topless girls.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
I guess he broke my heart
I saw a soldier in fatigues in the vegetable section of the supermarket today and looking at him made my mind spontaneously start singing 'You ought to know' by Alanis Morissette.
That's right, I have officially completely gone nuts - I was in the vegetable section!
That's right, I have officially completely gone nuts - I was in the vegetable section!
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
I have a huge ass - bad style
You guys probably don’t know this, but in a country different from where you are I am sort of a big deal to people in that country (please decide where you are on your own and then think of somewhere else and imagine this is there).
You see I sing in this band – Poikilothermic, which is the official scientific word for “coldblooded”, and that is really fucking cool which means it’s a really cool band name which means we’re badass, like frogs and many breeds of fish who are also coldblooded badassness and eat bugs, which is super badass kind of meal like our badass band (please note ‘badass’ does not mean our asses are literally bad, they are normal perfectly functional asses with normal horrific functions)(please also note only men’s asses are used exclusively for horrific functions, the female ass is capable of all sorts of non-horrific things, from being photographed, sodomised or even to hold a smiley faced balloon between its cheeks to cheer up the sick kiddies). They call this the “circle of badassness” and it only exists in rare awesomenessous times!
This one time our badass band was doing a badass gig, and I guess we were sucking kind of hard (a term us rock stars use to suggest we are kicking ass because it reminds us of backpacks and their amazing ability to let you carry stuff while keeping your arms free to use vacuums), and this one guy, in some weird place in his mind thought something different I guess, like we weren’t awesome (I assumed he must not have had a vacuum, meaning his floor might have crumbs on it, poor guy), because this biscuit without a plate-face decided to throw a beer glass at me, and it hits me right on the temple, and knocked me out cold, right there on stage!
Yes the stage, that’s the bit raised up a bit meaning being knocked out is highly dangerous. (For the record it hurt, but I was too passed out to cry, yes that’s right I kick rock n roll ass!)
Also, and I don’t remember this bit specifically, because I was passed out, but apparently this cut opened up on my head like the parting of the red sea or something (by something I mean something actually red and opening, not like that lying fucking sea), and it ended up needing twenty stitches, which I am told is a lot (twenty stitches bad, twenty grand good – numbers sure are flip-floppers!), but it also meant there was lots of blood pouring out all over the stage, and with me passed out bleeding like that they decided to cut the power to the PA and all that so people could come and help me. (By people I mean my drummers grandmother, she was a sweet old lady who had gotten us this gig at her nursing home).
So they startle me awake, and now I see the house lights on, with a crowd of frustrated patrons (frustration makes six old couples look like a thousand strong army) looking at me sort of strangely, and I look down at my body and see all the blood, and then I started to cry (you can’t stay passed out and therefore not crying for ever I don’t care how badass you are) I was like really sobbing, cause you know I’m a badass like a frog which is an often wet faced creature, and I think I might have cried for my mommy, which is kind of weird because I don’t really ever remember my mommy being that comforting when I scraped my knee as a young boy, so I don’t know how I thought she could help me while bleeding and crying on stage (but if she was any kind of real mom she’d have prayed every night for my well being, this is rock n roll, a job where you can sing and play guitar and stuff, which are really different skill sets, and there is lots of prejudice about people with difference).
The ultimate fall out from this incident was far more severe than even I could imagine. The following day a memo went around the nursing home telling resident their grandkids weren’t allowed to come visit anymore if they claimed they were in a band. The man is always trying to hold down us rock gods!
If you can imagine it, from here is actually got worse? (Even though it is unbelievable I hope you can imagine it, because otherwise your imagination may be sort of weird, I mean you can imagine a coffee table with a beverage that is not a coffee on it, completely defying the very name of the table, but you can’t imagine things getting worse? That’s weird dude). Because of this one little incident, you know after someone showed camera phone footage of me bleeding and crying on the news, there was this huge fallout, and ultimately it lead to glass actually being banned from all pubs, bars and nursing homes in the country you are imagining this took place! I know!
Now everyone has to drink out of plastic, which has some insulation properties or what not that don’t keep your drink chilled to a preferential temperature for nearly as much time as glass would. That is science working against you! And people wonder why diseases no longer get cured. Science has turned man, can’t you see it? Where is the war on science?
Now in the country you are assuming this happened in we like our beer, and we like our beer icy cold, so people fucking hate this no glass rule. (If you fucking hate something does that mean you’re raping hate? Maybe hate brought it on itself with overly sexual clothes? Hate is such a whore.) And when people find a rule they hate they need someone to blame, and there were two obvious choices in this case. An unknown asshole who threw a beer glass, or a badass singer who fell into a pool of his own blood and burst into pathetic little girl tears, while on a stage wearing no shirt, and leather pants with four pair of socks stuffed into the crotch, all in front of a death metal old school old folks crowd and shown on the news. (Badass = good, asshole = bad = proof bad is better than ass = proof asshole = something good = once again science fucking with you!)
I have no idea why, but for some reason this country decided to blame not the glass thrower, but me the little girl death metal singer who used to go by the stage name “Paradox Daffodil (Monk’s Hood – which is a type of purple buttercup flower) (fireweed – which is a type of primrose flower)”, which at some point I thought was cool but for some reason the “press” called “wordy” (Fuck you press, you’re named after ironing, and that’s a lady chore, you ladies!) (Please note I am not actually sexist but as a badass rock n roller I am forced by law to appear as such from time to time or those pussy ladies will say mean things about me and I’ll cry).
So now every time someone here takes a sip of their beer and thinks “warm already” they follow that up with “I fucking want to kill that pathetic flower cunt” which isn’t a nice thing to think at all!
The other thing is that I really like going to pubs, bars and nursing homes, and I really like cold beer myself, and now I cant go into any place in this land without some prick spotting me and yelling out something like “grow stronger skin you turd”, and I’ll be like – “sorry sir, but the strength of my skin is just not something I have any control over, and besides apart from one unfortunate incident my skin has done a splendid job of holding in my blood, and frankly I think most people have skin with poor defense against flying glass plus a turd is another word for poo and I don’t think I am poo so your whole argument breaks down as soon as logic is added you turd!” But that never seems to be enough for them, and they usually threaten to make me bleed some more if I don’t get out of there soon.
So wait, have you ever realized that in essence your skin is literally just a big body shaped bag filled tight with blood, bones and organs? Imagine that skin bag draped over the back of a couch! Now that makes me think of the skin bag being like an inflatable raft where one little cut and it sinks, thank god for congealing blood, if you ask me (why did you make me imagine that, now I feel quesy, this is all your fault for not being so clearly able to imagine things getting worse earlier, and now I’m quesy, are you happy?)
So anyway I can never go to a pub, bar, nursing home again, thank god my grandparents’ are dead (see what this turd just made me thank GOD for? That’s kind of creepy, cause it was heart disease that killed them, not god, must be concussion making me miss-thank).
Even after this went on for a few months and I decided to ditch the leather pants and start wearing shirts with a nametag people STILL recognized me, it just sucks. The band ditched me too, apparently I didn’t “fit the image they were going for, for a death metal band” so it basically just ruined my life.
But at least I am kind of a big deal, and that’s badass.
You see I sing in this band – Poikilothermic, which is the official scientific word for “coldblooded”, and that is really fucking cool which means it’s a really cool band name which means we’re badass, like frogs and many breeds of fish who are also coldblooded badassness and eat bugs, which is super badass kind of meal like our badass band (please note ‘badass’ does not mean our asses are literally bad, they are normal perfectly functional asses with normal horrific functions)(please also note only men’s asses are used exclusively for horrific functions, the female ass is capable of all sorts of non-horrific things, from being photographed, sodomised or even to hold a smiley faced balloon between its cheeks to cheer up the sick kiddies). They call this the “circle of badassness” and it only exists in rare awesomenessous times!
This one time our badass band was doing a badass gig, and I guess we were sucking kind of hard (a term us rock stars use to suggest we are kicking ass because it reminds us of backpacks and their amazing ability to let you carry stuff while keeping your arms free to use vacuums), and this one guy, in some weird place in his mind thought something different I guess, like we weren’t awesome (I assumed he must not have had a vacuum, meaning his floor might have crumbs on it, poor guy), because this biscuit without a plate-face decided to throw a beer glass at me, and it hits me right on the temple, and knocked me out cold, right there on stage!
Yes the stage, that’s the bit raised up a bit meaning being knocked out is highly dangerous. (For the record it hurt, but I was too passed out to cry, yes that’s right I kick rock n roll ass!)
Also, and I don’t remember this bit specifically, because I was passed out, but apparently this cut opened up on my head like the parting of the red sea or something (by something I mean something actually red and opening, not like that lying fucking sea), and it ended up needing twenty stitches, which I am told is a lot (twenty stitches bad, twenty grand good – numbers sure are flip-floppers!), but it also meant there was lots of blood pouring out all over the stage, and with me passed out bleeding like that they decided to cut the power to the PA and all that so people could come and help me. (By people I mean my drummers grandmother, she was a sweet old lady who had gotten us this gig at her nursing home).
So they startle me awake, and now I see the house lights on, with a crowd of frustrated patrons (frustration makes six old couples look like a thousand strong army) looking at me sort of strangely, and I look down at my body and see all the blood, and then I started to cry (you can’t stay passed out and therefore not crying for ever I don’t care how badass you are) I was like really sobbing, cause you know I’m a badass like a frog which is an often wet faced creature, and I think I might have cried for my mommy, which is kind of weird because I don’t really ever remember my mommy being that comforting when I scraped my knee as a young boy, so I don’t know how I thought she could help me while bleeding and crying on stage (but if she was any kind of real mom she’d have prayed every night for my well being, this is rock n roll, a job where you can sing and play guitar and stuff, which are really different skill sets, and there is lots of prejudice about people with difference).
The ultimate fall out from this incident was far more severe than even I could imagine. The following day a memo went around the nursing home telling resident their grandkids weren’t allowed to come visit anymore if they claimed they were in a band. The man is always trying to hold down us rock gods!
If you can imagine it, from here is actually got worse? (Even though it is unbelievable I hope you can imagine it, because otherwise your imagination may be sort of weird, I mean you can imagine a coffee table with a beverage that is not a coffee on it, completely defying the very name of the table, but you can’t imagine things getting worse? That’s weird dude). Because of this one little incident, you know after someone showed camera phone footage of me bleeding and crying on the news, there was this huge fallout, and ultimately it lead to glass actually being banned from all pubs, bars and nursing homes in the country you are imagining this took place! I know!
Now everyone has to drink out of plastic, which has some insulation properties or what not that don’t keep your drink chilled to a preferential temperature for nearly as much time as glass would. That is science working against you! And people wonder why diseases no longer get cured. Science has turned man, can’t you see it? Where is the war on science?
Now in the country you are assuming this happened in we like our beer, and we like our beer icy cold, so people fucking hate this no glass rule. (If you fucking hate something does that mean you’re raping hate? Maybe hate brought it on itself with overly sexual clothes? Hate is such a whore.) And when people find a rule they hate they need someone to blame, and there were two obvious choices in this case. An unknown asshole who threw a beer glass, or a badass singer who fell into a pool of his own blood and burst into pathetic little girl tears, while on a stage wearing no shirt, and leather pants with four pair of socks stuffed into the crotch, all in front of a death metal old school old folks crowd and shown on the news. (Badass = good, asshole = bad = proof bad is better than ass = proof asshole = something good = once again science fucking with you!)
I have no idea why, but for some reason this country decided to blame not the glass thrower, but me the little girl death metal singer who used to go by the stage name “Paradox Daffodil (Monk’s Hood – which is a type of purple buttercup flower) (fireweed – which is a type of primrose flower)”, which at some point I thought was cool but for some reason the “press” called “wordy” (Fuck you press, you’re named after ironing, and that’s a lady chore, you ladies!) (Please note I am not actually sexist but as a badass rock n roller I am forced by law to appear as such from time to time or those pussy ladies will say mean things about me and I’ll cry).
So now every time someone here takes a sip of their beer and thinks “warm already” they follow that up with “I fucking want to kill that pathetic flower cunt” which isn’t a nice thing to think at all!
The other thing is that I really like going to pubs, bars and nursing homes, and I really like cold beer myself, and now I cant go into any place in this land without some prick spotting me and yelling out something like “grow stronger skin you turd”, and I’ll be like – “sorry sir, but the strength of my skin is just not something I have any control over, and besides apart from one unfortunate incident my skin has done a splendid job of holding in my blood, and frankly I think most people have skin with poor defense against flying glass plus a turd is another word for poo and I don’t think I am poo so your whole argument breaks down as soon as logic is added you turd!” But that never seems to be enough for them, and they usually threaten to make me bleed some more if I don’t get out of there soon.
So wait, have you ever realized that in essence your skin is literally just a big body shaped bag filled tight with blood, bones and organs? Imagine that skin bag draped over the back of a couch! Now that makes me think of the skin bag being like an inflatable raft where one little cut and it sinks, thank god for congealing blood, if you ask me (why did you make me imagine that, now I feel quesy, this is all your fault for not being so clearly able to imagine things getting worse earlier, and now I’m quesy, are you happy?)
So anyway I can never go to a pub, bar, nursing home again, thank god my grandparents’ are dead (see what this turd just made me thank GOD for? That’s kind of creepy, cause it was heart disease that killed them, not god, must be concussion making me miss-thank).
Even after this went on for a few months and I decided to ditch the leather pants and start wearing shirts with a nametag people STILL recognized me, it just sucks. The band ditched me too, apparently I didn’t “fit the image they were going for, for a death metal band” so it basically just ruined my life.
But at least I am kind of a big deal, and that’s badass.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Thick
If your friend says you're thick as a block of wood it's an insult
If he says you're as thick as thieves it's a sweet commentary on your friendship.
But if he says you're as thick as the DNA from a teradactyle ball sack then he must have an awesome fossil collection and microscope and yet you've never invited me to come see! Come on guys. I thought we were friends, and after I said we were thick as thieves :( Boo.
This week was Australias big horse race, the Melbourne Cup which is said to 'stop the nation'. I could not be less interested in it, but because I had a five hour wait at a bus stop on my way to hangout in sunny Queensland for a week (I am writing this now as it rains outside so we can't go outside) and the bus stop was next to a pub which sold beer which I like, I ended up watching it anyway. Here are some of the thought I had while the big race was on.
The most fun thing about the Melbourne cup is seeing people all pissed off about losing while I maintain a breakeven guarentee!
Betting on these horses out for a jog is boring, I prefer to bet on the tredmills at the gym, those races are always INSANLY close :)
The optimist in me prefers to remember Jesus recieved a premium crusifixion- top of mountain, front & center, unobstructed views for miles!
The diciples were just premium stalkers, stalkers with benifits, no sex with me but also no sex with ANYONE - Yaaaaayyy
I'm an author, which is a sophisticated term for bookie, why aren't people lining up to donate ME money today?
My efforts to combine blues music with blue movies was going swimingly, until my request 4 a 'trumpet' solo went bad. (they didn't have one)
I bought self raising flour and I'm still waiting. I think I might waterboard it then burn its lazy ass alive in an oven!
I hate pop music, how can anyone listen to that manufactured generic crap? I think, as I joyfully devour my mcdonalds breakfast.
That last one was more of a thought I had while eating breakfast at the airport dealy :)
Hope everyone is having a sunny fun week!
If he says you're as thick as thieves it's a sweet commentary on your friendship.
But if he says you're as thick as the DNA from a teradactyle ball sack then he must have an awesome fossil collection and microscope and yet you've never invited me to come see! Come on guys. I thought we were friends, and after I said we were thick as thieves :( Boo.
This week was Australias big horse race, the Melbourne Cup which is said to 'stop the nation'. I could not be less interested in it, but because I had a five hour wait at a bus stop on my way to hangout in sunny Queensland for a week (I am writing this now as it rains outside so we can't go outside) and the bus stop was next to a pub which sold beer which I like, I ended up watching it anyway. Here are some of the thought I had while the big race was on.
The most fun thing about the Melbourne cup is seeing people all pissed off about losing while I maintain a breakeven guarentee!
Betting on these horses out for a jog is boring, I prefer to bet on the tredmills at the gym, those races are always INSANLY close :)
The optimist in me prefers to remember Jesus recieved a premium crusifixion- top of mountain, front & center, unobstructed views for miles!
The diciples were just premium stalkers, stalkers with benifits, no sex with me but also no sex with ANYONE - Yaaaaayyy
I'm an author, which is a sophisticated term for bookie, why aren't people lining up to donate ME money today?
My efforts to combine blues music with blue movies was going swimingly, until my request 4 a 'trumpet' solo went bad. (they didn't have one)
I bought self raising flour and I'm still waiting. I think I might waterboard it then burn its lazy ass alive in an oven!
I hate pop music, how can anyone listen to that manufactured generic crap? I think, as I joyfully devour my mcdonalds breakfast.
That last one was more of a thought I had while eating breakfast at the airport dealy :)
Hope everyone is having a sunny fun week!
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Ruining it for all the ladies
Girls, now I know you all hope to one day be swept off your feet by a knight in shining armor, but haven’t you ever wondered just why these knights were so concerned by buffing up their suits all shiny before heading of to see a bunch of men on a battle field?
Lets look at some facts about Knights:
- They were christened ‘sir’ as in servant to the Queen, which was a band headed by a man with a really cool mustache!
- No one ever says ‘my grand daddy was a Knight’
- They rode ‘stallions’ which are like horses but extra manly and yet have waxed pubes.
- They used ‘phallic’ weapons like swords, jousts and cannons when they could so easily of just used magic.
- They used a silent ‘k’ which rhymes with gay, that while now means ‘lame’ used to refer to happiness and joy and Knights spent most of their time joyfully hanging with other men! (Also: That’s right homosexuals you stole the word gay and we’ve stolen it back, deal with it or we’ll take rainbows back too and make them represent people who are fond of digital watches. Don’t think we haven’t noticed the symbology in the short thick ‘hour’ hand being the most powerful, and the long skinny ‘second’ hand being almost irrelevant, for shame).
- They famously used the battle cry ‘whoever cuts off the most heads today gets blown by me tonight, ooh ahhh’ that some people think may for some reason have referenced oral sex (for the record ‘sucking’ is WAY better than ‘blowing’ in that department). Global warming enthusiasts also use this battle cry as evidence that the world was ‘windier’ in the Middle Ages.
- They were enthusiastic of the punishment of being ‘drawn and quartered’ that referred to being sketched naked and having your ‘penis’ sketched quarter size, which back then was something men didn’t want others to think about them, why? Maybe it would mean less guys would want to see their penises? Proving they did want men to look at their penises.
- The fact they were called ‘Knights’ but mostly fought in the day leaving their ‘torches’ for each other.
That’s right, the evidence is all in girls and it is clear, Knights in Shining armor are clearly trying to overcompensate for some sort of body odor problem. Sorry, fantasy ruined.
Lets look at some facts about Knights:
- They were christened ‘sir’ as in servant to the Queen, which was a band headed by a man with a really cool mustache!
- No one ever says ‘my grand daddy was a Knight’
- They rode ‘stallions’ which are like horses but extra manly and yet have waxed pubes.
- They used ‘phallic’ weapons like swords, jousts and cannons when they could so easily of just used magic.
- They used a silent ‘k’ which rhymes with gay, that while now means ‘lame’ used to refer to happiness and joy and Knights spent most of their time joyfully hanging with other men! (Also: That’s right homosexuals you stole the word gay and we’ve stolen it back, deal with it or we’ll take rainbows back too and make them represent people who are fond of digital watches. Don’t think we haven’t noticed the symbology in the short thick ‘hour’ hand being the most powerful, and the long skinny ‘second’ hand being almost irrelevant, for shame).
- They famously used the battle cry ‘whoever cuts off the most heads today gets blown by me tonight, ooh ahhh’ that some people think may for some reason have referenced oral sex (for the record ‘sucking’ is WAY better than ‘blowing’ in that department). Global warming enthusiasts also use this battle cry as evidence that the world was ‘windier’ in the Middle Ages.
- They were enthusiastic of the punishment of being ‘drawn and quartered’ that referred to being sketched naked and having your ‘penis’ sketched quarter size, which back then was something men didn’t want others to think about them, why? Maybe it would mean less guys would want to see their penises? Proving they did want men to look at their penises.
- The fact they were called ‘Knights’ but mostly fought in the day leaving their ‘torches’ for each other.
That’s right, the evidence is all in girls and it is clear, Knights in Shining armor are clearly trying to overcompensate for some sort of body odor problem. Sorry, fantasy ruined.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
How are your orgasms?
Earlier today I suggested that – The term 'anti-climax' is too harsh - this party is so boring I am now against orgasms!!!! Boo
I would like to now take that back and stand corrected (I feel sorry for people in wheelchairs, if they make a mistake they can never stand corrected, that’s pressure people, to always be right. I couldn’t handle it!)
I actually think it would be great if anti-climaxes actually did inspire people to be anti climax. Think about it, EVERY event would have to be awesome. Cause no one would be willing to risk ruining orgasms.
Sport
‘Hey boys, this may be just another league game in this soccer season, but if we don’t go out there and put on one hell of a show for our seven fans we could totally fuck up orgasm, so let’s go out there and play hard!’
Movies
‘Hi Mr Cameron, this is the studio calling, we’re going to shelve Avatar, if people find out that you just took the ‘dances with wolves’ script and changed the word ‘Indian’ to ‘weird blue person’ it could totally ruin orgasms’!
Sex
‘Honey, I am going to put all my efforts in today, I don’t want this sex to be anti-climatic’
‘That’s ok baby, I am a girl, I don’t actually care about your orgasms, and frankly I prefer to get mine from a rubber machine than from you’
‘Wait, what just happened? Damn you soccer league, your draw last week ruined my wife’s thoughts about orgasms!!!!!!!’
Sport
‘On the news tonight the sport of soccer has officially changed their rules to allow brawling after angry men everywhere began blaming draws for their women not caring about their orgasms’
Sex
‘No actually honey, it has nothing to do with the soccer, women have always disliked the male orgasm. It’s like if a guy makes a girl cum after two minutes he likes it and feels virile and she gets to enjoy the bodies most pure form of pleasure, but if a guy cums after two minutes he is taught to feel ashamed and unmanly and she makes fun of him to all of her friends’
Airplanes
‘The flight to Singapore today is expected to be smooth sailing and turbulence free, so we’re going to take a little detour past some Cambodian jungles just to see if we can risk crashing near some gorilla militants all hell bent on training their torture mongers, just to make this flight exciting’
Sex
‘And yet I’m the one who always wants it, something isn’t right here. Um, um, um – I know lets start having orgies, that way EVERYONE wins HOORAY’
I would like to now take that back and stand corrected (I feel sorry for people in wheelchairs, if they make a mistake they can never stand corrected, that’s pressure people, to always be right. I couldn’t handle it!)
I actually think it would be great if anti-climaxes actually did inspire people to be anti climax. Think about it, EVERY event would have to be awesome. Cause no one would be willing to risk ruining orgasms.
Sport
‘Hey boys, this may be just another league game in this soccer season, but if we don’t go out there and put on one hell of a show for our seven fans we could totally fuck up orgasm, so let’s go out there and play hard!’
Movies
‘Hi Mr Cameron, this is the studio calling, we’re going to shelve Avatar, if people find out that you just took the ‘dances with wolves’ script and changed the word ‘Indian’ to ‘weird blue person’ it could totally ruin orgasms’!
Sex
‘Honey, I am going to put all my efforts in today, I don’t want this sex to be anti-climatic’
‘That’s ok baby, I am a girl, I don’t actually care about your orgasms, and frankly I prefer to get mine from a rubber machine than from you’
‘Wait, what just happened? Damn you soccer league, your draw last week ruined my wife’s thoughts about orgasms!!!!!!!’
Sport
‘On the news tonight the sport of soccer has officially changed their rules to allow brawling after angry men everywhere began blaming draws for their women not caring about their orgasms’
Sex
‘No actually honey, it has nothing to do with the soccer, women have always disliked the male orgasm. It’s like if a guy makes a girl cum after two minutes he likes it and feels virile and she gets to enjoy the bodies most pure form of pleasure, but if a guy cums after two minutes he is taught to feel ashamed and unmanly and she makes fun of him to all of her friends’
Airplanes
‘The flight to Singapore today is expected to be smooth sailing and turbulence free, so we’re going to take a little detour past some Cambodian jungles just to see if we can risk crashing near some gorilla militants all hell bent on training their torture mongers, just to make this flight exciting’
Sex
‘And yet I’m the one who always wants it, something isn’t right here. Um, um, um – I know lets start having orgies, that way EVERYONE wins HOORAY’
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Give the bullies a break
Seems lots of people are talking about bullying these days and I have to say it - give the bullies a break please.
Think about it, school is the only time these people will have the opportunity to simultaneously be around scores of vastly smarter and better looking people than them AND a small bunch of so far undiagnosed retards and future jail rape 'victims' who haven't yet noticed that ganging up on and picking on kids who have futures makes them a punch line and routinely hated and considered pathetic.
This is but a brief opportunity for these kids - for the rest of their lives they won't have the opportunity to highlight just how inferior they are. In the prison/rehab/poorly-paid-no-skill-required-yet-still-about-to-be-fired-job where they end up their 'peers' aren't around to back up their stupidity because they are stuck doing things like beating up women because it's the only way they can get another human being to be willing to stay in the same room with them.
School ends up being the highlight of their lives. That's right - the period of time where they are displaying behavior so moronic that for the rest of their lives people remember and mock it is the HIGHLIGHT of their lives.
I was going to say 'that's like' now - but there is no possible just like it. These idiots actually celebrate establishing the pattern which ensures they have no future.
So give the bullies a break - they are the worst humans alive and they are only just about to find out. Fucking idiots.
Think about it, school is the only time these people will have the opportunity to simultaneously be around scores of vastly smarter and better looking people than them AND a small bunch of so far undiagnosed retards and future jail rape 'victims' who haven't yet noticed that ganging up on and picking on kids who have futures makes them a punch line and routinely hated and considered pathetic.
This is but a brief opportunity for these kids - for the rest of their lives they won't have the opportunity to highlight just how inferior they are. In the prison/rehab/poorly-paid-no-skill-required-yet-still-about-to-be-fired-job where they end up their 'peers' aren't around to back up their stupidity because they are stuck doing things like beating up women because it's the only way they can get another human being to be willing to stay in the same room with them.
School ends up being the highlight of their lives. That's right - the period of time where they are displaying behavior so moronic that for the rest of their lives people remember and mock it is the HIGHLIGHT of their lives.
I was going to say 'that's like' now - but there is no possible just like it. These idiots actually celebrate establishing the pattern which ensures they have no future.
So give the bullies a break - they are the worst humans alive and they are only just about to find out. Fucking idiots.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Monday, October 18, 2010
Some people are so lazy
I was in a department store today, Myers, one of Australia's two biggest chains. This is a company so big that they have enough money lying around to pay millions of dollars to an overrated 'supermodel' to be an ambassador or some shit. Yeah right, like anyone would specifically go to one store because they pay money to a model to pretend she shops there sometimes. Next thing you know people will be telling me that there will be companies who routinely pay for pop-up ads on major websites that do NOT automatically get blacklisted by so many consumers that they go bankrupt within a year. Um, banks started doing that and the world's economy was destroyed, I think I know what I am talking about!
Anyway, I was in this store today and they had Christmas decorations up. STILL!!!! It's October, they have had ten months to take that stuff down. Really that stuff should be down by like February right? A month or so from now and some of the really annoying shops will be jumping the gun and ALREADY putting up Christmas decorations for THIS year.
I just don't understand how some businesses even think they'll make money.
Anyway, I was in this store today and they had Christmas decorations up. STILL!!!! It's October, they have had ten months to take that stuff down. Really that stuff should be down by like February right? A month or so from now and some of the really annoying shops will be jumping the gun and ALREADY putting up Christmas decorations for THIS year.
I just don't understand how some businesses even think they'll make money.
Monday, October 11, 2010
How to have all the power in the world!!!
Yesterday I ended up being a little bit political completely unintentionally. Damn those politicians and their sneaky ways to influence us regular folk.
Made me think today, and that's dangerous. Damn those politicians and their sneaky ways of creating danger.
People are always referring to the president of the United States of America as the most powerful man in the world and I can't help but think, um, no he isn't!
The president is a man (or one day a woman) whose every single decision is subject to world wide scrutiny and debate, and is molded by meetings/ following party lines/ honoring promises/ and catering to benefactors who paid for their campaigns, and whose implementation is reliant on being passed in congress and the senate and all those bill dealies! Power my ass.
And speaking of ass, consider this: If the president is anywhere but the White-house and he needs to go poo poo it takes a massive security operation clearing bathrooms and making sure safe passage in and out of perhaps previously unplanned buildings. And the president is a person who is stressed and often eating foreign foods at irregular times and therefore probably has inconsistent and perhaps even sudden strong poo poo needs where time is of the essence and he has to spend that time waiting for meetings between his security team on where and when the best time and place for said bowel movement can be arranged. That's right, the presidents bowel movements require MEETINGS and then when he goes he probably has security right there in the toilet with him just in case someone has snuck in a deadly spider in the hope it would bite him. (by the way, I have always thought dropping spiders on enemies would be WAY more affective than dropping bombs. Plus wouldn't the footage look cool, thousands of little spiders being parachuted onto Iraq?)
If you cannot have a bowel movement without other people having a meeting to discuss when and where you can then you are not powerful!
The president has 330 million bosses, and every single on of them will tell him he's not doing a good job if that's how they feel. Have you ever had a boss tell you that you need to lift your work effort, or that a task you have completed wasn't done satisfactorily? It feels horrible, and the president gets that times 330 MILLION times for EVERY thing he does! That would make you feel bad, and feeling bad isn't powerful.
People who have more power than the president (or any elected official in any democratic country) include:
Paris Hilton
Snooky
Homeless people
Lab rats
Head Lice
Washing left to dry over a balcony railing
Green balloons
YOU! Every single one of you!
Damn those politicians and their sneaky ways of pretending they have power!
Made me think today, and that's dangerous. Damn those politicians and their sneaky ways of creating danger.
People are always referring to the president of the United States of America as the most powerful man in the world and I can't help but think, um, no he isn't!
The president is a man (or one day a woman) whose every single decision is subject to world wide scrutiny and debate, and is molded by meetings/ following party lines/ honoring promises/ and catering to benefactors who paid for their campaigns, and whose implementation is reliant on being passed in congress and the senate and all those bill dealies! Power my ass.
And speaking of ass, consider this: If the president is anywhere but the White-house and he needs to go poo poo it takes a massive security operation clearing bathrooms and making sure safe passage in and out of perhaps previously unplanned buildings. And the president is a person who is stressed and often eating foreign foods at irregular times and therefore probably has inconsistent and perhaps even sudden strong poo poo needs where time is of the essence and he has to spend that time waiting for meetings between his security team on where and when the best time and place for said bowel movement can be arranged. That's right, the presidents bowel movements require MEETINGS and then when he goes he probably has security right there in the toilet with him just in case someone has snuck in a deadly spider in the hope it would bite him. (by the way, I have always thought dropping spiders on enemies would be WAY more affective than dropping bombs. Plus wouldn't the footage look cool, thousands of little spiders being parachuted onto Iraq?)
If you cannot have a bowel movement without other people having a meeting to discuss when and where you can then you are not powerful!
The president has 330 million bosses, and every single on of them will tell him he's not doing a good job if that's how they feel. Have you ever had a boss tell you that you need to lift your work effort, or that a task you have completed wasn't done satisfactorily? It feels horrible, and the president gets that times 330 MILLION times for EVERY thing he does! That would make you feel bad, and feeling bad isn't powerful.
People who have more power than the president (or any elected official in any democratic country) include:
Paris Hilton
Snooky
Homeless people
Lab rats
Head Lice
Washing left to dry over a balcony railing
Green balloons
YOU! Every single one of you!
Damn those politicians and their sneaky ways of pretending they have power!
The looming health crises?
Now I don’t usually like to talk about what everyone else is talking about but on this one particular issue so many people have talked so much about it and yet I still don’t think that the people have talked about it in a way in that it should be talked about.
I am sure by now you have seen pundits on CNN and the nightly news talk about the local paper in the small former silver mining town of Sala near Stockholm in western Sweden’s report that the local high school is considering dropping the subject of ‘health education’ or ‘helunda ecoloa’ from their curriculum after the closure of the 2015 school year unless the moderate change in the school budget which is projected to be passed in the next few months doesn’t go through.
Most of the so called ‘big news channels’ claim that this is a sure sign that the health of the entire world is in jeopardy. And while such a horrific rumor to come out of a small town school administration is often a forewarning of a global disaster (it was a small Austrian schools decision to switch lunch from 12pm to 1230pm which was the original catalyst for WWI as I am sure you know) I think in this case the so called experts are wrong (plus who puts ‘expert big news channel guy’ on their business card, isn’t that a little wordy, why not just ‘know-it-all-but-don’t-really-because-I-just-report-what-I-hear-from-other-places-meaning-really-I-just-know-lots-of-people’ surely that’s more practical).
Point is I believe that many of these people who we put so much trust in are not looking at all the facts here. Yes I know newsmen are magical people, a weather man once said it might rain and then it DID – that’s proof that the news people CAN and DO make bold predictions, and weather, also, can have major effects on the world, it once rained when I was on the way to the shop and the heavier traffic meant that I did NOT buy the CD I was planning on buying as planned. And we all know what has happened to the CD market – it’s collapsed! Only years after they lost a sale to me because of the rain. Well delayed sale, I bought it the next day, but still who knows how many other products have seen their market share dwindle to almost irrelevance because of such a delay? We don’t know – you should be on this newsmen, you’re supposed to be experts – yet you don’t know anything about which products would now be king if it didn’t rain that day so I could have made the shop – shame on you. Shame, shame, shame.
Lets look at the facts:
Fact one: In Sweden in the summer the daylight goes for 24 hours and in the winter the moonlight goes on for 24 hours. This means if you wake up after fifteen years in a coma and there is no clock in the room and you look out the window, you will HAVE NO IDEA what time it is! Then some person is bound to say ‘well there probably will be a clock, it is Sweden’ and this poor person, after fifteen years in a coma will be forced to suddenly yell ‘Switzerland is the clock country, NOT Sweden!’ and the strain, and stress of not knowing what time it is AND deal with misplaced cultural stereotypes will almost certainly knock this poor man right back into a coma. Is this the kind of health system WE need to worry about Sala school kids no longer learning about potentially from 2015? Yes we do, because by looking at the bizarre health systems we can learn more about how to deal with unusual events in our own more ‘normal’ hospitals. However things like this are clearly so interesting these school kids are all but guaranteed to look them up and study them in their OWN time, therefore making the school teach them a mute point.
Fact two: Many girls in Sweden are really, really cute. This has no relevance at all to the world’s health, and would I bring this up now if there was a crises coming? Possibly, because I am often distracted by the attractive. Ha ha, that kind of rhymes. Would I bring up that rhyme dealy if there was a world health crisis coming up? Fuck no I wouldn’t, this is serious, and if I am not being serious then you better believe you can trust ME that there isn’t a world heath crises coming.
Fact three: Downhill skiing is both fun and good for your fitness, and there is way less skiing in Sweden than people think, for it is not a mountainous country, and there are way more skiers in Norway to the East, so by definition the Norwegians will be enjoying more of the health benefits and fun times which skiing offers, and very few Norwegians go to school in Sweden. Why? Well would you leave a country that offers all the fun and robustness of skiing? No you wouldn’t. Which is proof that this one schools decision will probably not affect the education of one of their bordering nations.
Fact four: I personally have a really bad diet, and that happened BEFORE this schools announcement, and if I know one things it’s this - very few people stalk me to find out exactly what I eat so they can copy it exactly down the very same quantity of French fries and how many times I dip them in barbeque sauce. Very few people do this, but some do, which means if a health crises is coming shouldn’t I cop some of the blame?
Wait a minute, wait a minute. Now see this is why I don’t like to talk about topical news type stuff, I always end up exposing myself and the cruel way I live my life at the detriment of others. And it doesn’t make me feel good. You suck Swedish school system!!!!
I am sure by now you have seen pundits on CNN and the nightly news talk about the local paper in the small former silver mining town of Sala near Stockholm in western Sweden’s report that the local high school is considering dropping the subject of ‘health education’ or ‘helunda ecoloa’ from their curriculum after the closure of the 2015 school year unless the moderate change in the school budget which is projected to be passed in the next few months doesn’t go through.
Most of the so called ‘big news channels’ claim that this is a sure sign that the health of the entire world is in jeopardy. And while such a horrific rumor to come out of a small town school administration is often a forewarning of a global disaster (it was a small Austrian schools decision to switch lunch from 12pm to 1230pm which was the original catalyst for WWI as I am sure you know) I think in this case the so called experts are wrong (plus who puts ‘expert big news channel guy’ on their business card, isn’t that a little wordy, why not just ‘know-it-all-but-don’t-really-because-I-just-report-what-I-hear-from-other-places-meaning-really-I-just-know-lots-of-people’ surely that’s more practical).
Point is I believe that many of these people who we put so much trust in are not looking at all the facts here. Yes I know newsmen are magical people, a weather man once said it might rain and then it DID – that’s proof that the news people CAN and DO make bold predictions, and weather, also, can have major effects on the world, it once rained when I was on the way to the shop and the heavier traffic meant that I did NOT buy the CD I was planning on buying as planned. And we all know what has happened to the CD market – it’s collapsed! Only years after they lost a sale to me because of the rain. Well delayed sale, I bought it the next day, but still who knows how many other products have seen their market share dwindle to almost irrelevance because of such a delay? We don’t know – you should be on this newsmen, you’re supposed to be experts – yet you don’t know anything about which products would now be king if it didn’t rain that day so I could have made the shop – shame on you. Shame, shame, shame.
Lets look at the facts:
Fact one: In Sweden in the summer the daylight goes for 24 hours and in the winter the moonlight goes on for 24 hours. This means if you wake up after fifteen years in a coma and there is no clock in the room and you look out the window, you will HAVE NO IDEA what time it is! Then some person is bound to say ‘well there probably will be a clock, it is Sweden’ and this poor person, after fifteen years in a coma will be forced to suddenly yell ‘Switzerland is the clock country, NOT Sweden!’ and the strain, and stress of not knowing what time it is AND deal with misplaced cultural stereotypes will almost certainly knock this poor man right back into a coma. Is this the kind of health system WE need to worry about Sala school kids no longer learning about potentially from 2015? Yes we do, because by looking at the bizarre health systems we can learn more about how to deal with unusual events in our own more ‘normal’ hospitals. However things like this are clearly so interesting these school kids are all but guaranteed to look them up and study them in their OWN time, therefore making the school teach them a mute point.
Fact two: Many girls in Sweden are really, really cute. This has no relevance at all to the world’s health, and would I bring this up now if there was a crises coming? Possibly, because I am often distracted by the attractive. Ha ha, that kind of rhymes. Would I bring up that rhyme dealy if there was a world health crisis coming up? Fuck no I wouldn’t, this is serious, and if I am not being serious then you better believe you can trust ME that there isn’t a world heath crises coming.
Fact three: Downhill skiing is both fun and good for your fitness, and there is way less skiing in Sweden than people think, for it is not a mountainous country, and there are way more skiers in Norway to the East, so by definition the Norwegians will be enjoying more of the health benefits and fun times which skiing offers, and very few Norwegians go to school in Sweden. Why? Well would you leave a country that offers all the fun and robustness of skiing? No you wouldn’t. Which is proof that this one schools decision will probably not affect the education of one of their bordering nations.
Fact four: I personally have a really bad diet, and that happened BEFORE this schools announcement, and if I know one things it’s this - very few people stalk me to find out exactly what I eat so they can copy it exactly down the very same quantity of French fries and how many times I dip them in barbeque sauce. Very few people do this, but some do, which means if a health crises is coming shouldn’t I cop some of the blame?
Wait a minute, wait a minute. Now see this is why I don’t like to talk about topical news type stuff, I always end up exposing myself and the cruel way I live my life at the detriment of others. And it doesn’t make me feel good. You suck Swedish school system!!!!
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