The Everyday Prophesy

As of today I finally have home Wi-Fi! Yay.

The good/ bad news about this is that I have to now put into action my plan to make sure I blog at least once a day. I want to make blogging more of a habit, and make it so my lovely readers can also get into a habit ‘Ok, just got to work, should I get my work started? Nah, I’ll get a dose of my daily Dave first.’ Yay.

I want to write more about what I am up to, and just more of me of the real me, and I want to keep writing weird stream of conciseness essays, and I want my stream of conscience to have some sort of context based on what I have been up to, and I just want the challenge, because that makes you better, and look I finally looked up something I have been putting off for years, the correct version of that term I have long loved and worked, with is officially ‘stream of consciousness’! I’ve been getting that shit wrong for years. 

Of course to write a blog every day I needed a home internet connection to begin, because it is too much to ask that I go out to find a coffee shop Wi-Fi or the like, because that would be too much of a commitment. Which is why I am starting today. Even though I have literally been on some form of Internet every day since I first thought about making this commitment.

And that’s been a long time. I first wanted to start when I was traveling around Asia nearly a year ago. I figured I would be doing interesting things every day and having those things to talk about would be a good way to begin. But then I got caught up doing interesting things and didn’t get around to it.

Then I thought I might start when I went to Toronto earlier this year. I figured I would be doing interesting things every day and having those things to talk about would be a good way to begin. But then I got caught up doing interesting things and didn’t get around to it.

Then upon moving back to Los Angeles I figured it was definitely time to start, because I want to write for TV here, and if I can’t prove I can write interesting things everyday by blogging then how will I know I am capable of writing interesting things everyday for a TV show. But then I got caught up doing interesting things and didn’t get around to it.

Also I let the lack of Wi-Fi give me an excuse. I mean, what was I supposed to do? Use the free Wi-Fi in the lobby of my building everyday? Hell no, I needed HOME Wi-Fi. Well that excuse has sailed.  Also the Wi-Fi guy got here early, and by the time he was done I found myself awake hours earlier than usual, and had the free time to write, so what did I do? I went to look at furniture, that’s what.

You see I don’t have any. I got my bed and TV done, and figured I would get around to the rest, but I haven’t yet. I eat on the floor everyday with a box for a table, and watch TV on the floor everyday next to my box. 

Now, here is the weird thing - when I am around really cool art, especially if I am watching it get made, I have a weird feeling. It’s hard to explain, but for now I will call it a ‘non-sexual spinal boner’. This is where my back starts to tingle, I don’t know what it is, but only artists give it to me, and I LOVE it. I fucking LOVE it. It’s been caused by all genres of art in the past, and feels incredible, and inspiring, and gets me off in a way nothing else can, and today I was getting a mad non-sexual spinal boner for really expensive furniture.

Either I really need to explore the LA art scene and get back into making art myself, or I’m officially horny for eccentric yet impractical and way overpriced coffee tables. While I know the former is true, it may also be the latter, because on my way home I stopped into a rock n roll photography gallery, and without much thought at all I bought a random coffee table book. It looks awesome on my box. I still don’t have any furniture; I’ve spent too much money on travelling recently to buy anything cool.

Basically what I am saying is who wants to check out an art gallery or two with me and then drive me to Ikea? Even if you don’t, feel free to just say you do and then put it off for a year or two, I’ll accept almost any excuse.

Don't (re) see Prometheus until you read this

A little while ago, right here in Ok, Intriguing, I proved without any doubt what so ever that aliens are already amongst us   How the entire world is in danger

Want even more proof? Well get this – I was on a plane recently flying from New York to Los Angeles and we were informed, that as the plane was full, that we were to pay especially attention to the boarding instructions, and asked that if we had any excess hand luggage to bring it up to be checked in. This relaxed me right away. If the airline staff are joking around then I know there is nothing to worry about, ha ha, I know, like anyone would ever not listen to boarding instructions, and like anyone would ever try to carry on excess luggage! That’s hilarious.

With a chuckling grin on my face I waited until my row was called and headed onto the plane. That’s when fear did consume me. Because, oh my god, there were aliens on the plane!!!!!!!!!!

How do I know? Because there were numerous ‘people’ already sitting in rows that HADN’T BEEN CALLED YET!!!! AND…. AND so many of the overhead bins were full of luggage that I had to leave my bag a full twenty rows from where I was sitting!  Sure these ‘people’ looked like people, but no HUMAN BEING would be so selfish.

Ok, I will accept for a moment, that there is the occasional person alive that is so selfish that they think that their sitting down early is worth the entire boarding procedure to be slowed down, and that their baggage in excess of what is allowed deserves a spot over a person’s baggage who has not broken any rules, said rules of course designed specifically for fairness and safety. But surely this select few people wouldn’t be flying, because someone so selfish would have no friends, and what’s the point of travelling if you are such a horrible person that you are friendless? Plus most of them are probably dead after being rightfully beaten to death after pushing in line somewhere. Also the staff check what row you are on before you walk down the gangway, and see how much you are carrying, so if they caught someone trying to board early and/or with too much carry on luggage they would rip up their ticket and say ‘this airline is puts the people who aren’t complete assholes first, enjoy your walk you scumbag!’

Also surely this is a security risk? So no I don’t buy that this is ‘people’. And there were dozens of them, and when I thought about it these ‘people’ are on literally every plane I ever board!

Clearly these ‘people’ don’t know the rules, and have not walked down the gangway. There is only one logical explanation. They are being 'beamed' onto planes!!!! And only aliens have beaming technology!

I’m not going to speculate why aliens would be beaming onto a planes – speculation is not required – aliens are planning, and training for, a monumental event which will include taking over literally every single plane and uprising from everywhere there is a public toilet. And yes, if you read the linked post above, you probably know that the toilets on all planes I am on are alien too. THEY HAVE HUMAN CLONED ALIENS AND TOILET ALIENS ON THESE PLANES! THIS EVENT IS GOING TO BE MONUMENTAL!!!!

Well Ridley Scott didn’t want to alarm anyone when making his latest movie about Aliens, by talking about the aliens clearly on earth here and now - instead be would like to take us to the future.

His future, in Prometheus, is a strange place, a place where humans have evolved to a point where we now have the technology to create among such things as completely life like robots, machines that can watch our dreams and childhood memories and space ships that can take us thousands of light years. And yet, bizarrely, despite all this advanced intelligence we have acquired a flaw in our intelligence that's has allowed us to man our first mission to the planet of our makers with only a very loose plan, that isn’t discussed among the crew until they get there, and with a crew made up exclusively with personal who are untrained, impossible to like or care for, have poor temperaments, are fond of acts of extreme stupidity and most strangely possess characteristics that bare strong comparisons to many cliché characters from movies that would have been made a century or so before. Wow, evolution is a strange beast!

How we have evolved this way is not explained. But it doesn't matter because Ridley has bigger things to worry about, because Ridley has attempted one of the ballsiest things in film making history.

‘Can I make a movie with zero suspense, believability, moments that surprise us, drama or likable characters, or stakes we care about, and still get the audience to watch all the way to the point where I let them know I was just setting up for the sequel the whole time?’

That takes serious balls Ridley. If I was making a big budget sci-fi movies I would at least throw in the odd likeable character, but then that’s why you’re a big shot and I am a whiney blogger.

So does he pull it off? The answer is yes. Most people did stay all the way to the point where he let us know he was just setting up a sequel, I think only three or four people walked out, and also I nearly missed the movie because the lady in line in front of me was begging for a re-fund because the movie was so bad, and trying to talk people out of buying tickets, yet myself and others still did buy tickets, so I think that’s a success.

A I did stay till the end, I think mostly because it looks really cool, by which I mean the lead actress has a hot body and is often wearing nothing but a bandage bikini, also I guess the world he created is coolish, although we seriously see very little of it.

Still I say save it for DVD or better yet, watch it on a plane, so if the make believe alien world on the screen bores you, you can just look around to the real life aliens all around you. Also I say next time you see one of those aliens has beamed on  your plane in advance and taken your overhead luggage bin space, abuse them, just because you’re an alien is no excuse for being a selfish cunt.

One of the world’s true geniuses

 As some of you may know, last week I was in New York, and while I was there I was lucky enough to meet one of the world’s true geniuses - Gerald Dundas - worlds foremost pizza smeller! Here is a transcript of the quick interview I was able to get with him.

Dave: So what kind of Pizza have you smelled?

Gerald: As I am sure you are aware, unless you are an ignorant fool, I have smelled just about every kind of pizza available anywhere including, but not limited to - Pepperoni! Meat Feast! And of course my crowning achievement - BBQ chicken hold the chicken.

Dave: Wow, that’s amazing, I personally really enjoy pepperoni, and you’ve smelled it! Wow! So do you just smell pizza here in New York?

Gerald: Of course not you idiot, how could I be the world’s foremost pizza smeller and only do it in one city, or even one country! I have smelled pizza around world, including, but not limited to - Italy, the Italian part of Switzerland, little Italy in new York, little Italy in New New York New York casino Las Vegas, little Las Vegas in new Italy casino in Geneva Switzerland and even in Spadinglton, the tiny tax haven independent island country on Lake Geneva Switzerland set up as an independent tax haven for Europe’s richest lactose intolerants who occasionally like to say 'stuff it, the flatulence is worth the odd slice of pizza, just give me a private island country on Lake Geneva so no one has to smell or hear my flatulence'

Dave: You mean ‘stuff it’ as in ‘stuff crust pizza’ I enjoy those?

Gerald: No you freaking moron, why would someone with lactose intolerance order pizza with a stuffed crust? That makes zero sense!

Dave: Why would they order pizza at all?

Gerald: Let me tell you something, I have smelled pizza in places such as, but not limited to - different buildings, private, homes, pizzerias, dumpsters behind pizzerias, on the breath of homeless people who live in dumpsters behind the pizzeria, and on the breath of buzzards that have eaten out the stomachs of a homeless man who ate out of the dumpster behind a pizzeria that had closed down four years earlier, so do you think I have time to ask the lactose intolerant why they would eat pizza?

Dave: Yes, I mean it’s not a long question, and it’s not like your mouth is busy while you smell?

Gerald: How dare you! Let me tell you something you arrogant fool, I reckons I’ve smelled just about every pizza there is, and you don’t get to where I am in life by going around asking people stuff. Like look at you, you’re asking me stuff, and I bet you’ve never in smelled half the pizza in half the places I have.  You’re wasting your life with all this ask questions business, you idiot!

Dave: Hey I have smelled a fair bit of pizza in my life, I even smelled a pizza buffet once, and that had lots of pizza on it!

Gerald: Pizza buffet, you stupid moron, can you enjoy a Monet and a Picasso at the same time? Can you ‘make love’ to a buffet of women at once? I could teach you some lessons kid, including, but not limited to – how to appreciate the smell of one pizza at a time, telling people about how much you enjoyed smelling one pizza at one time, and smelling pizza with someone who you’ve told about enjoying smelling pizza with who responded to your passion with a request to smell pizza with you one day. Yet frankly you don’t deserve to know these lessons. Interview over.

Dave: Wait, wait, please just a couple more questions, including, but not limited to – are there any pizza you have plans to smell in the near future?

Gerald: Ah, you are capable of learning kid, and yes I'd like to smell pizza in Antarctica one day, plus I never did smell Pizza Hut, I've heard they're popular.

Dave: Just one last question, you’ve smelled the best, but where is your favorite place to eat pizza?

Gerald: Are you kidding dickhead? I don't eat it, that stuff smells like shit, are you fucking retarded?

Ah Gerald Dundas, true genius, bit of an asshole. Now for some reason I feel like going for pizza.

My popular request, no DEMAND!!!!

Losing our virginity... EVERYWHERE

One of my all time dreams has been to host my own travel show. Two years ago in an effort to make that dream come true I made my own mini-pilot with my awesome friend Faith. This is it! Now who owns a TV network and has a spare time slot rolling around?

Don't (re) see ‘The Dictator’ till you read this.

Twenty odd years ago when I was timorous teenage boy in the backwards of Sydney Australia, I formed a crush on cute red head soap opera star named Isla Fisher.

A few years later the internet was invented and I, while doing research into why I constantly needed to apply medicated creams to my body, discovered an interview Isla had granted some lucky journalist, where she spoke of losing her virginity at a mere sixteen years old, saying:

'I was going to break up with my boyfriend but I realized I hadn't had sex yet, so I slept with him and then dumped him.'

My infatuation with her was lost that day - like a favorite Band-Aid that I forgot to glue on before going for a swim. For you see I was no longer convinced it would be me who took her virginity and seeing as at the time I was positive I would share my virginity only with someone sharing hers with me, I sadly, was forced to form unrealistic crushes on other teenage celebrities that I wrongly thought may still be virgins.

However, I was but only one of the boy affected by her story. That boy who was given her amazing orange haired rose was also affected, and he became extremely paranoid about his sexual performance after that day:  

'She gave me her virginity, the most wonderful gift a girl can give a boy, so obviously she loved me, so how bad must I have been to be dumped right after?' he began mumbling on trains, and in math class at school.

One boy who was not affected by her story was a man named Sasha Baron Cohen. Having never been a teenage boy in Australia he never formed a crush on her only to have his dream of sharing his virginity with her destroyed by one bad interview and the invention of the Internet, and one day he met the gorgeous Isla at the annual ‘we are not American but one day will be famous in America party’ that Elton John throws every year in London and he was immediately infatuated with her.

‘I will do anything to share my virginity with her' he declared, and he set off on a worldwide journey to discover what she liked. Worldwide being the distance the boat then took as the only way to get to Australia where Isla was from. ‘Worldwide cruises’ was the name of the cruise line, and they also stopped occasionally in Tahiti.


Sasha, having spent three fruitless years in Tahiti finding out practically nothing about Isla (other than her preference for Pinna Coladas over being thrown in active volcano’s), continued his journey to Australia. Upon de-shipping he made several puns about the irony of him exploring Islands to find out about Isla, and discovering many Australian’s responded with ‘I don’t get it’ he decided on a new plan, to track down Islas exes to see if he was anything like them.

After much research, and one notable attempt for laughs in an Internet café by yelling ‘research, more like reSURF’ he finally tracked down one of Isla’s exes, now residing in a mental institution, having descended from mumbling about Isla into a multiple personality schizophrenic. Sasha declared that day that he would become as much like this man as possible in hope that by doing so he could win Isla’s hand.

He did mountains of LSD and smoked all the marijuana he could get his hands on, and sure enough various personalities began springing forth, and he did win Islas hand in marriage.

What he didn't expect though, was that documentary filmmakers would begin following him around and releasing documentaries on his various personalities, the best of which were called Borat and Bruno.

Things were going great for Sasha; he was now a movie star and married to a beautiful Australian red headed soap opera star, who now bore him two children. Then one day, while looking up pictures of his wife on the Internet, he ran into one of the earliest pages of the Internet, where an old interview Isla had done was still stored, it’s pages yellow with age.

'I though we were going to share our virginities!' he screamed at her as he read it.
'We have two children together' she replied 'so probably not, just let it go, I don’t want you to end up with multiple-personalities like my old boyfriend'

But Sasha couldn't let it go ‘don’t tell me not to form multiple personalities’ he yelled at her ‘and besides I thought that was why you fell in love with me!’

His mind didn’t know how to deal with this betrayal, and a new personality did grow out of him - a Muslim dictator in fact, sure to be rewarded with seventy-two virgin Australian red head soap stars in heaven'

The documentarians were ecstatic of course, and they stood gleefully by filming as he shot people, had sex with famous women, cried about having no one to cuddle with, even though later on we’d find out he had a plethora of options for cuddle companions, and even injured small boys.

The resulting documentary ‘The Dictator’ is at times hilarious, at times not so much, and leaves the audience pondering life’s big questions. Such as:

-       Were all men in mental institutions dumped immediately after taking Isla Fisher’s virginity?

-       If a cute Australian red head soap star offered her virginity to me would it be worth it for the schizophrenia? And

-       Would I ever even want to be a huge movie star if I never got to share my virginity with Isla Fisher?

If you answer:

-       Only 29%

-       Yes and

-       No

Then you will love this film.

Exclusive: How the entire world is in danger!

 This is a matter of critical importance, the entire world and all of its peoples and animals is at immediate risk!

Ok, so often times when I go to use a public toilet I discover that the previous occupier has left the toilet un-flushed, and YET, when I go to use the flush it works fine!

Clearly this means that in the time between the previous user and myself the flush mechanism has SELF-REPAIRED itself! (If this wasn’t such a serious blog I might even say ‘self-repairs itself silly).

But this IS a serious blog because sometimes this remarkable ability to self-repair can be performed in seconds! Yes, sometimes a man will exit the toilet cubicle just as I am about to enter, and in the mere time it has taken for us to switch places the flush mechanism looks, acts and performs as if it was never even injured, let alone not working at all!

Some important questions must be asked here:

Self-repair? What on earth has the ability to self-repair? And

Why doesn't my home toilet ever self-repair when broken?

The alarming answers are:

Living things! That's what. And

Clearly your home toilets are different from public ones!

That's right, based on this irrefutable evidence public toilets are obviously living things!

And worse, seeing as no such animal on earth has anything like these toilets hard porcelain mouths, thirst for water, rapid healing speeds or ability to mimic common household toilets they must be alien!

DID YOU HEAR ME? ALIENS. HERE ON EARTH. THAT YOU EXPOSE YOUR GENITALIA TO!

These aren’t your normal run of the mill aliens that become, say, computer stealing crack addicts, these aliens are highly intelligent, able to infiltrate public bathrooms around the world, and manipulate building managers into thinking they have ordered and installed regular toilets.

That's not all, these aliens have managed to tap into the human psyche allowing the cynical among us to contemplate the existence of fellow humans who are so lazy and disgusting that they think their fellow man should have to look and smell their urine and feces!

'Fuck you aliens! I would NEVER think my fellow man could be that lazy and disgusting!' is what we should all be screaming. But sadly I think some people actually believe such lazy disgusting humans may exist. Well open your eyes people.

Consider this - sometimes you will find a toilet seat covered in urine - clear PROOF that the previous user of the toilet found the toilet seat locked into the down position. Obviously. Only thing is that when you test this out the toilet seat now lifts easily! Obviously this is an amazingly remarkable alien skill in itself, but it comes with the added psychological bent of not merely pitting man vs man, but man vs woman. Sometimes even affecting relationships!

Well I for one will not just stand idly by waiting for the people of earth to become so occupied with alien manipulated infighting that the aliens can launch a sneak all out assault!

I say call the cops, get the FBI on this, the X-file people, Interpol or anyone you know, and next time you encounter one of these 'broken' toilets, don't just leave your piss and shit for me to discover - come out and let everyone know THAT’S NOT A TOILET IT’S AN ALIEN - RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

I am sorry to have to fill you with such fear, but these aliens are camped around the world, concentrating mostly in well built up regions and almost ignoring rural regions. Their plan must be to hit the cities, yet still, please don't worry too much, for I believe I have spotted a weakness.

In my personal toilet use, which is quite frequent as I consume enormous amounts of soda and also have a shy bladder when it comes to urinals, I encounter an alien toilet that has self repaired itself since its last user approximately 93% of the time. A huge percentage. Yet…

I almost NEVER encounter a toilet CURRENTLY in the broken flush or locked seat positions, at most, maybe 0.0001% of the time. This is an astronomical anomaly.

Based on my experiences I can confidently say that clearly the leader of the aliens has sent a direct order - 'if you suspect the human is suspicious then act normal'

So I say spread the word. Act suspicious. If you encounter a toilet that doesn’t seem to have a lifting seat or working flush, don’t just leave your filth behind for the next person to find, talk to it. ‘I’m on to you, you alien beast, self-repair now or I’ll kick you’ seems to work.

If everyone gets on board there may still be hope for the human race! Then perhaps we can take the time to learn from the aliens, and perhaps steal their self-repair skills for ourselves to be used for good – like, you know, with fixing broken vending machines or something vital like that. I mean sometimes I just want a soda something silly and I can’t get one, and that’s just the sort of problem that may become critical one day!

Victim mentality

As some of you may know my hotel room was burgled the other day. I don't want to dwell on the negatives though, where is the fun in that? So instead here is a list of the awesomely great things about being robbed:

- My stolen laptop had around 17 unpublished books I've written which will now be exposed to a potential new fan.
- Travel insurance will, I hope, pay for a new one which, I hope, won't be anywhere near as slow as my old one, which is the same thing I regretted hoping last time I got a new laptop.
- That was three uses of hope in one sentence and according to ‘Shawshank Redemption’ 'hope is the best of things'
- The people who did it may OD on the crack they buy with the cash they stole! I hope.
- That’s mean Tim Robbins.
- I've officially been screwed by a 'Hilton' if people want to assume 'Paris' they can.
- The cops accused me of having hookers in my room who then decided to target me - yep, that's right, Toronto cops think I've gotten laid recently!
- My camera stored old photos of my heavily bruised butt - yep I'll soon be an Internet star!
- It was probably an inside job by Hilton employees, so they're going to give me some shit, um, right? Maybe a photo of Paris Hilton’s bruised butt?
- The cops were disgraceful - finally confirming a theory I have - 'some cops are disgraceful'
- I also have a theory that careers always take off immediately after being the victim of a crime - hell yeah!
- Sympathy hugs.
- Any crazy tweets and Facebook updates I do this week can be blamed on another person.
- My new hotel includes breakfast - bacon!
- Um lots and lots of sympathy hugs, I hope.

Wow, don’t you just wish you were robbed this week? If you say no it’s a sign that you are secretly planning on robbing Tim Robbins.

Don't (re) see Avengers till you read this

Here is the first of what may become an Ok, Intriguing regular feature – a review! This one is of a little indie drama called the Avengers. (No spoilers necessary).

The Avengers

Ok, so there is bad man and he is in Germany and in his possession is a little blue box. Samuel L Jackson doesn’t like this at all. He is all like 'blue? BLUE? I had a PURPLE light saber in star wars, so clearly that's a way cooler color than stupid blue!'

He is pissed off man, super pissed, so he calls up all his best friends who all happen to be super badass in some way. These friends include:

The Hulk
Captain America
Captain Cave Man
Black Spider
Alan Alda
Iron Man
The hot girl from ‘How I Met Your Mother’
Donald Trump
The Ghost Busters
Thor and
Scarlet Johansson’s boobs

Samuel L assembles them all into a room and says - 'We must get this box from this bad dude in Germany, it's blue man, BLUE! And no way is that as cool as purple’.

At first all the men don’t want to work as a team, seems when the hot girl from ‘How I Met Your Mother’ and Scarlet Johansson’s boobs are in the room men feel the need to jockey for power in efforts to prove their masculinity. What starts out as mere fisticuffs descends into chaos, before we know it all hell breaks loose!

Captain America is all like 'I'm captain America, let Captain Germany deal with it.'
Donald Trump claims he's way richer than he really is.
The Hulk refuses to say his catch phrase even once.
Alan Alda says 'count me out, in my experience wars seem to go for a long, long time'
Captain Cave Man yells 'you promoted someone else to captain without so much as a phone call? Suck my hairy balls!'

Black Spider is saying ‘Oh, the “human race” is in danger, what about the “huwoman race?” don’t they matter too?’
The Ghost Busters are all like 'we won't do it without Bill Murray and he hasn't agreed on a script yet'
Thor says 'I already scored Natalie Portman, there is nothing left to gain'

Iron Man is super confused ‘If Donald Trump is here, then who am I?’

Things are not looking good. The bad man in Germany looks like he may just be able to enjoy his blue box all on his own. But then, when all looks lost, two voices in perfect harmony rise above the squalor 'listen to us, just do it alright' it is scarlet Johansson’s boobs, and everyone immediately falls in line, and they vow to Avenge that blue box, even if Alan Alda fights for the bad guys for a while. 

From there on out it's actually pretty badass, I’d almost go as far as to say ‘awesome’ and I normally don't like these types of movies.

Final notes: Surprisingly The Hulk is easily the best character, the guy from ‘Goodwill Hunting’ had a better role in ‘Goodwill Hunting’ and the hot girl from ‘How I Met Your Mother’ should have shown more skin.

On the brand new Daverview Scale I give it a 9 out of 13

Avenge this! Bitches…..

That movie The Avengers is breaking all sorts of records, such as:

- Most money on opening weekend earned from people

- Most maniacal laughter let out by a studio head

- Most calls from Scarlett Johansson to her ex-husband Ryan Reynolds gloating that ‘THAT’s how to make a superhero movie!’

-  Most awful future movies getting green lit based on the performance of this movie that will fail in the future only to have studio heads go ‘what’s the deal?’

- Most nerds saying ‘the deal is Scarlet Johansson’s boobs jerk, why would anyone want to see Ryan Reynolds in green lycra?’

- Most times Ryan Reynolds points out he is still getting plenty of beautiful women, so there!

Of course the biggest thing that people SHOULD be talking about is the super hero MISSING from the posters! Yes, the super hero I created fifteen years ago and barely anyone has ever heard about IS NOT ONE OF THE STARS OF THE AVENGERS!

His name is ‘Explosion Man’ and here is episode one (please note the drawing representations of this episode are in a box in my storage room half way around the world in Sydney and I have lost the storage room key, but I am sure your imagination can draw in the visuals yourself).

Panel One: We open on Explosion Man and his Sidekick Cum Boy in their lair that is shaped like a giant pile of poo, looking at a television which is also a pile of poo

Cum Boy: Oh no Explosion Man, teenage hooligans have cleaned the park!

Explosion Man: This is a job for explosion man!

Panel Two: Explosion Man flies to the park, Cum Boy runs along the ground trying to keep up

Cum Boy: (Breathing heavy) I’m coming, I’m coming

Explosion Man: Not yet Cum boy, we’re not at the park yet, and the park has been cleaned by teenage hooligans, so keep up, they need us!

Panel Three: At the Park

Cum Boy: Ewwww gross, it’s so clean!

Explosion Man: Look at the sparkles! It’s sickening! BUT I’LL TAKE CARE OF IT.

Panel Four: Explosion man bends over and does explosive diarrhea everywhere!

Panel Five: Kids standing by 'yaaaaaay' 'thanks Explosion Man!'

Panel Six: Explosion man and Cum Boy stand in a beautiful diarrhea covered park.

Explosion Man: Once again the world is covered in beautiful shit as it is supposed to, but for how long.

Cum Boy: I don’t know, but hopefully long enough for me to cum!

All: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

In the next edition of Explosion Man, Explosion Man meets his ultimate foe - Mary Maid, Cum Boy finally learns to harness his powers into the ability to fly and those teenage hooligans keep cleaning stuff! Will Explosion Man have enough explosive diarrhea for it all? We can only hope.

THE END

Yay. And Explosion Man is NOT one of the stars of The Avengers. What the hell?

And now my review of Avengers origin movie – Thor: The Dude with the Hammer.

 In the opening scenes Thor is an arrogant dickhead and I really wanted him dead!

Then Thor gets banished to earth where he loses his powers and he becomes an arrogant dickhead who is also now a moron and I really want him dead!

Then I fell asleep for an hour or so and when I woke up I become aware that whatever has happened in the last hour is supposed to make me want Thor to get his powers back AND score with Natalie Portman. I disagree with the filmmakers on these points so intensely I now want them dead!

Coming Soon (perhaps tomorrow, depending if the laundry room in this hotel is free next time I go check, something about thinking about Explosion Man is making me want access to clean underwear) I will give my review of The Avengers - here is hoping for at least a cameo for Explosion Man (but not Cum Boy, he’s gross).

Love – an instructional video - transcript

(Look directly into camera one. Big smile with lots of teeth. If you haven’t flossed quickly go do it now)

“Hello lovers, lovers of lovers, lovers of the loveless, and perverts. Thanks for purchasing this video. By the time you have reached the end of this video, assuming that you complete all of the exercises, you will be in love. Congratulations!”

(Sell final sentence with a performance of a mild fist pump)

“First off let me say that I understand your pain”.

(Frown to prove it, if you can squeeze out a tear)

“And no, I am not suggesting that you have been sexually assaulted by John Travolta, although if you have then I do not understand your pain, and this is not the video for you”.

(If you still have a tear on your cheek swipe it away now, don’t make it too obvious, you don’t want to have your tears connected to love video’s competition)

“I recommend you return this video and ask for ‘I have been sexually assaulted by John Travolta Volumes 1 through 7’ or else the competing videos ‘Show me where John Travolta touched you the box set’”

(Turn to Camera two, look alluring, we’re back to selling your video now, sell it damn it, sell it)

“In my line of business I hear all sorts of complaints from those who do not know how to love and/or be loved. The most regular complaint is of course:

‘He/she doesn’t always understand what I want!’

I asked my patients how they would typically respond to this complaint, and the answers were enlightening:

-       If he doesn't respond I'll volunteer him.

-       Sounds like a lot of walking!

-       Oh lord, need another glass of wine....

-       Fire pit? You mean the portal to hell that my ex-girlfriend has? Yes, that's a given.

-       Quesadillas, definitely quesadillas

-       Okay, I'll do the required work for putting people in the stretchers - but if they go over the required weight limit, I want hazard pay. Just saying...

-       You mean the garage around the corner? Prime property your uncle has.

-       Hmmm, me thinks I may have some teaching to give

-       Oh! Mars bars are like a religion, and they fried it!!! Where is the decency, honour???? Lordy, lordy, lordy!”

(Turn back to camera one, you have just proven how much wisdom your patients have earned, the audience is yours, look proud and confident)

“Yes, if you do the following three exercises you will also have this much insight!”

(Big smile, yeah right as if you need to be TOLD to smile now)

The exercises are:

1.     " Dual use "

Some people find this the easiest challenge. It is quite simple. Roll around in dirt, and then go up to a table of strangers in a top class restaurant and ask them if they would like any peanuts, when they look at you funny yell  “Wait, wait...am I getting minimum wage for this?” As the security begins to drag you away scream relentlessly “The location "was" secret. Now we have to move. Damn You, Damn you to Hell”

Now you know how to be spontaneous.

     2. "Stretcher Fetcher"

Some people find this the easiest challenge. It is quite simple. About two hours ago there was a man in front of a diner covered in blood screaming at the 'coward' who had just punched him in the face.

Find that diner, they have great desserts.

Eat one of them.

You now understand how to be a sweety.

3. “Your position sound alright?”

Some people find this the easiest challenge. They’re idiots it’s actually super hard.

Simply volunteer at your uncle's sweatshop for prospect work. If your uncle doesn’t currently own or run a sweatshop then you need to ask yourself the following questions

-       Did my grandparents fuck up somewhere?

-       Do we need someone to volunteer to 'put' people in stretchers?

-       Did we find the atmosphere required?

-       Yeah yeah...that's the ticket?

-       Can I play with someone's cool brother one day?

-       Exit stage right?Bottom of

-       Can we hire someone to patrol the roads for protein?

-       Can't we have irons without the fire pit, you know the little buggers are going to want to use their new toys?

-       Do those come with two plates for convenience?

-       What's Duck Dynasty? I must know more!

-       That's when they will be trying to get inside the armour?

If you answered yes to the majority of the questions then your uncle has now started a sweatshop. If you answered no to the majority of questions then start one yourself you lazy bastard. If you answered yes to around half of the questions and no to around half the questions then clearly you don’t have an uncle so of course you have to start the sweatshop yourself. Regardless you now work for a sweatshop – awesome! This could be HUGE!

Now watch how your four and five year old slaves respond to your "valued work space!” They enjoy it don’t they?

You now understand the value of handwork”.

(Look wherever you want, the viewers aren’t watching anymore, they’re too busy looking into their new lover’s eyes).

“Hey attention, hey hey! LOOK AWAY FROM YOUR LOVER’S EYES FOR A MOMENT, WE NEED TO SUM UP HERE”

(You’re going to have keep yelling as they are distracted by their lovers, but you really do need to sum up, still don’t look frustrated, just smile cheekily, like as if you’re happy for them)

“Yes, I know. Learn to be Spontaneous, to be sweet and the value of hard work, and then lovers will just flock to you.  And assuming you completed the above challenges in their full you are now in love. Awwwwww. Tell us about him or her? Do they have a younger sister? Hook me up you bastards, I helped you!

(Careful not to allow jealousy to come into it, they don’t know about the flaw yet)

“One last thing, regardless of whether you consider this to be the best video you have ever watched or something better than this, you must never, ever, ever read the transcript of this video, if you know the secrets of the manipulations the host performs then you’ll never find love. Your host (that’s you), by agreeing to participate in the making of this video, has now destined him or herself to an inability to ever find love.

Wait. What? I’m not reading that?

What do you mean it’s too late? You said I’d be home by midnight.

Fuck you!

No, I will not finish.

I am going to call the cops on you

Yes they will help, and if they don’t I’ll call the FBI, homeland security, the CIA whoever it takes! There is going to be a manhunt out for you, you bastards.

Put that gun down, please, please I am begging you

Please, please

No don’t sick John Travolta on me, point the gun back on me, I’m begging you”

BANG

End Tape.