Starting trouble, BIG trouble

'You never hear about pheasants giving massages to quails anymore' I said, one warm Saturday afternoon, to a goose.

That was when the trouble started. Big trouble.

Big trouble. Involving a goose.

A BIG goose.

At least compared to a baby sparrow.

A baby sparrow being something I compare EVERYTHING to.

Fun fact - it turns out almost everything is big! (Exceptions include: snowflakes, mouse droppings, and memories of smiles). 

I didn't mean to start trouble, honestly I didn't. I was just making a truthful, authentic and interesting observation.

That's what I do.

I observe shit.

It’s my bag.

I even observed a bag once, it was blue!

But I never observe shit to start trouble.

'Hey, look, there's a man' would be an example of an observation that is not intended to be a trouble starter. And that’s an observation I have made at least three times. But now I hold back, because I have become aware that it CAN be a trouble starter.

Now I am of course NOT saying all men start trouble, and therefore seeing one means trouble. So you can just stop the accusations right there. Although now that I think about it, when I was in school every time a teacher said 'you're a trouble maker' to a kid, it WAS always a boy said teacher was talking to. One hundred percent of the time. So that's pretty damming evidence.

Then again I DID attend an all boys school. But I feel ultimately this is a commentary on the school administrators more than a difference between the sexes.

The point is, that I had no idea the goose would be upset, is what I'm saying. And it wasn't. Upset would be a VAST understatement. So okay, it turns out geese consider themselves the masseuses of the poultry world. Sorry, sorry - 'the feathered creatures of cruel human consumption' world, as they prefer to be known. I assume. I mean there are lots of birds, but we only eat some of them, but that's probably their fault.

But trouble had begun. Big trouble. Before I knew it the Goose was giving me the best damn massage of my life just to prove a point. This led to at least three other birds being inspired to make their own points, which ultimately lead to a magpie kicking an otter! It was BIG trouble. At least compared to a baby sparrow.

I think the lessons here are four:

1. I need to observe more things that don't cause trouble, ‘look there's a table!’ Would be an example. Oh fuck now a goose is breaking it over a ducks face, my god it's bill is so fucked up it almost looks like a beak, a dirty stinking beak, oh the humanity, um oh the humpoluitry. That's better.
2. Maybe I need to stop observing shit altogether, ‘oh wow, look there's nothing to see here’, ahhh.
3. Geese have a terrible reputation in the bird world, and I'll tell you why, none of the male geese want to work in propaganda, because then they'd be a 'propaganda gander' and geese don't want to bang ganders who have confusing business cards. And of course
4. Be more delicious Vultures damn it. It’s high time that the feathered creatures of cruel human consumption world got a new member!

Johnny Wrinkles

'They call me Johnny Wrinkles' he'd say upon meeting someone new.

'Why? Cause I'm badass' he'd reply when asked 'and cause I'm way too lazy to iron my clothes, plus I tend to overpack my clothes-dryer and I always forget to empty it right away, so my clothes are normally WAY wrinkled'.

'Oh that makes sense' people would admit 'and then your name is John?' they'd query, naturally assuming a yes.

'Well no' he'd reply, gruff yet embarrassingly.

'Sorry Johnny' they'd concede.

'Well no, it's ah, Stu(cough)art, um Stu'

'Um, oookay, so why, um, do they call you Johnny Wrinkles?' They'd inquire.

'Look, I TOLD you, I don't like effin' ironing, I really, really don't like it!' He'd grunt impatiently.

'BUT WHY "JOHNNY"?' They'd demand frustrated. 

'IT'S JUST A NICKNAME, A REALLY, REALLY COOL AND BADASS NICKNAME, THAT'S WAY BETTER THAN "OL'  SCRUFFY SCABBY STU" SO STOP ASKING QUESTIONS, IT DOESN'T MATTER, NO ONE KNOWS WHERE NICKNAMES  COME FROM, THEY JUST HAPPEN, STOP TRYING TO RUIN IT' he'd scream, voice crackling, tears welling in his now darting eyes.

'Ha ha ha, wow, you named yourself Johnny Wrinkles didn't you?' They'd say, as chuckles broke into genuine laughter while they walked away. 

Soon after that they'd often get emails or Facebook messages from Stu. 

Innocent at first.

'Listen, you haven't told anyone right? I'd really appreciate if you wouldn't' type things.

Then desperate.

'You never replied to my message, are you telling people? Please don't. I'm begging you. I'll do ANYTHING. I don't have a lot, but I could give you money, or, I don't know, I could do something for you? Anything, just ask' type messages. 

Then threatening.

'I've been reading your Twitter, you're a liar too you know, you don't look sick at all, so I don't think you are "dying" to see the new Star Wars, so if you expose me then I'll expose you too' type stuff. 

It'd be sad if it wasn't so creepy. Then again, there are up sides. I met 'Johnny Wrinkles' three years ago, and when he told me not to tell anyone, and offered 'I could do something for you' well I said I'd keep my mouth shut and said 'yes there is something you could do for me', and ahh, let's just say, I haven't ironed my own clothes ever since! 

Oh, ha ha, might have given a wrong impression there, I'm not getting him to iron my clothes. I just wear them wrinkled, cause who gives a shit. No I'm just getting him to not tell anyone why some people seem to think my name is 'Biscuit Bob' now THAT'S a badass nickname. 

Olympic Gold Medals For All

How to get an Olympic gold medal in ten, or maybe more or maybe less, fun steps: 

1. Run a hundred meters in under nine and a half seconds.

2. Or Stab the guy who did and take his.

3. It may be difficult to stab this particular person, as it turns out he may be hard to catch.

4. So you could instead just wrap an Olympic gold medalist in antelope and gazelle juice, and then set a cheetah on him. 

5. Then later merely enter a fight to the death with the cheetah for the prize of the medal.

6. It may help to travel back in time to an era of slave gladiator fighting pits, because then they'll probably give you a sword. 

7. Cheetahs have sharp teeth and are well trained brutal killers, so trust me, you WANT a sword.

8. Or if you can't find a time machine just BRING a sword. 

9. That may end up saving you being forced to give your medal to your owner. 

10. And you could also avoid being a slave all together.

11. These are things worth at least contemplating.

12. I'd like to see Doc and Marty take on the fighting pits, the Queen could be Michael J Fox in drag, and when the Doc gets lanced in the face he could yell 'Great Scott'. 

13. Of course it may end up being difficult to wrap the gold medalist in gazelle and antelope juice because:

A. Neither gazelles nor antelope fit in most domestic juicing machines.

B.  Plus they tend to be full more of blood, bone and sweet memories of Sahara sunsets than 'juice'.

C. Also when you try to catch one you'll be forced to deal with the cheetahs already chasing them.

D. And you do NOT want to get into a fight with one of them under any circumstances, they have sharp teeth and are well trained brutal killers. 

E. Plus if you kill an African big cat you may be forced to become a dentist.

F. It also may be difficult to wrap a hundred meter gold medalist in juice of any kind, because as it turns out he may be hard to catch. 

14. Oh, so you're now looking for another route to get a gold? 

15. If you haven't got a gold medal by now it's because you gave up when I called somethings 'hard'.

16. So maybe you don't DESERVE a gold medal!

17. You lazy bastard. 

18. Gold medals are for winners, not lazy, people stabbing, cheetah fighting assholes.

19. You make me sick. 

Jump - A Poem

Kevin jumped up as high as he could. 

He didn't get very high as he was not a trained athlete.

But he was satisfied that he'd done his best. 

Moments later he landed.

Due to the lack of height of the leap it was a soft and safe landing. 

He was happy with that this was as good as he was capable of. 

He now stood still. 

Looked around him. 

And thought..

'Nope, I still have NO idea why the DJ keeps asking us to do that'. 

Silence - A Poem

Craig Sandlewood hates silence.

Like REALLY hates it.

Hates it more that he hates the scoring system in gymnastics.

And you do NOT want to get him started on that abomination. 

He's tried many things over the years to avoid silence.

Whistling.

Mumbling.

Beat boxing.

Singing to himself.

Coughing.

Nervously laughing. 

Jiggling keys. 

Barking like a dog.

Pretending he was skitzofrenic.

Reciting the bylaws at his local squash club.

Screaming in a primal roar the words 'blue murder!!!'

Eating chalk with his mouth open. 

Pouring buckets of water on street cats.

Calling in false reports to the police of muggings in action to get sirens blazing. 

Reminding strangers that even pro athletes miss sometimes, so why the hell do they get paid so much? 

Claiming to be Hitler and proving it with an improvised speech. 

Verbally reviewing how strangers walked.

Scratching sidewalks with his conveniently sharpened toenails.

Picking fights with gutter vermin. 

Making monkey sounds.

Using strangers heads as bongos.

Suddenly remembering outloud 'oh fuck, I think I left the oven turned off, thank god'. 

He even stooped low enough to try humming. 

He's yet to find something that consistently works for him. 

But he keeps trying.

Day after day he's trying.

Trying harder than a gymnastics competitor.

And they try HARD!!

Don't you EVER fucking accuse them of not trying.

Not that the god damn scorers fucking acknowledge that.

Those cunts.

Fortunately Craig Sandlewood has time to keep trying things to avoid the silence.

For Craig Sandlewood has no friends.

Apparently Something about him annoys people. 

Wet - A Poem

This is a fun one today, because I wrote it sleepwalking last night. My dream, like most other people's dreams, was mostly uninteresting, but so much so that within the dream so little was happening I stopped and started writing on my phone. I used to sleep walk write semi-regularly, tweets, notes on my phone, or in pads, mostly unintelligible rambles, but luckily today I was able to combine remember and interpret what I wrote. As you'll see it was most worth it...

Wet - A Poem 

You really never hear about people putting accordions in aquariums much anymore.

I guess that's why most of the accordion stars we all know and revere are not fish. 

See? How awesome was that? 

And now here is how it looked when I discovered it this morning...

Aquariums lllacordian you don't here. Ankh that much anymorrd 

Sometimes you just have to admit you truly are a genius. This may not be one of those times, but it's a good point anyway. 

Accurately- a poem

'When you're right you're right, and you my friend are right, VERY right' Sammy said to Steph.

'I'm righter than my right hand shaking the right hand of someone who was right about which side of the road we drive on here in America which is the right side, right on 3:15pm which is right when all the hands on the watch are pointing right!' she replied. 

Steph had just told Sammy her theory that if you could train frogs to play woodwind instruments you could probably make a lot of money. 

And yep she was definitely right. 

Their next three whole dates were focused on discussions on how they personally would spend this newly discovered hypothetical cash. 

Steph settled on an RV that could fly as fast as a jet, with a bed made out of the dreams of kittens, a jacuzzi full of warm maple syrup, a TV that automatically played Classic movies that were set in the very locations she ever found herself, only now staring her in all the lead roles, and a shower that didn't just wash off dirt but also body fat, cellulite and wrinkles. 

Sammy wanted air conditioning. 

It would soon become clear that Steph really was the thinker of the pair. 

Wryly - A poem

Roger Firesmith was brilliant at portraying his thoughts and emotions with a mere smirk. 

The whole town always knew exactly what was going on in his head whenever they saw him. 

'I know what you're thinking' they'd say. 

'You're smugly self-satisfied right?' They'd guess.

No they'd KNOW. 

To be fair this was how he felt all the time.

Due to his unparalleled smirking skills. 

Here is some really seriously good life advice

If you would like to sell a paper hat for a million dollars simply:

1. have it officially declared international paper hat day.

2. Sleep with an eccentric paper hat loving billionaire.

3. Make sure to compliment his scrotum. 

4. Make a really seriously good paper hat.

5. Try and sell it to the eccentric paper hat loving billionaire. 

6. Be successful in those efforts. 

7. Ignore parts five and six unless you can be very clear about your price tag.

8. Make your price tag 'one million dollars'. 

Please Note:

- Parts 1, 2 and 3 are obviously optional. Eccentric paper hat loving billionaires are rarely swayed by sex, nor international days of stuff. They just love paper hats.

- Parts 5 and 7 are also optional, and yet part 8 could not exist without them, so that's fun. 

- Declaring it international paper hat day may in fact both increase your competition for the sale, and at the same time make it harder to source the necessary paper for your paper hat. 

- If your hat is really truly really seriously good you may not even need the billionaire, good stuff is valuable on its own merits, regardless of levels of eccentricity occupied by the potential purchaser. 

- If he has a particularly ugly scrotum then your compliment may sounds like sarcasm or even pandering.

- If he has a particularly ugly scrotum it may be because someone had once stapled it to a wooden bench, after he had previously laid out the challenge - 'bet you can't use this stapler for something other than connecting to pieces of paper or something similar'. 

- The person he challenged won that bet. 

- Having sex with him may make him question his current levels of fertility so it's a good idea to remind him that you can disable your fertility faster with a microwave than a brainwave, unless your brainwave was to 'just use a hammer'. 

- While we all know that every time a leg falls off an arm grows, it would be nice to remind him that regardless you do NOT grow a third testicle to scratch with that arm. 

- Wait did I say life advice, I mostly meant testicle advice.

- This whole scheme works best if by 'you' you mean 'a duck', by 'paper hat' you mean 'a huge diamond' and by 'a million dollars' you mean 'three daffodil petals'. 

Everyone and Everything - a poem

The sun was fed up, pissed off, angry as shit, and miffed.

That last emotion being the least of its worries. 

You see it had finally realized that not one human ever looked it in the eye.

'They look right at the MOON, that's only even visible because of ME' it ranted.

And it wasn't going take it any more.

As it blew itself up EVERYONE turned to look at it.

It was pretty much the worst case scenario for everyone and everything involved. 

Except for little Johnny Slinter who'd just that second stood up to his bully for the first time, screaming 'you're such a dick I bet God's planning on blowing up the whole solar system to get you!'

His last few seconds were rather satisfying.

You know, other than the fire. 

Fear - A poem

Lazarus was feeling mighty. 

Strong. 

Dominant. 

Powerful. 

He was the most fearsome warrior on earth. 

But then came the first battle of the summer. 

And his famous undoing at the hands of a historically uncomfortably epic inner thigh heat chaff rash.

Legend claims that even those he'd just decapitated winced when that evening he was seen pealing off his boxer briefs. 

Time after time

And now ten signs that your latest escapades back in time in your time machine have failed to make the changes to the present that you had so hoped. 

1. Your wife Meredith is in a mood. 

2.  A really bad mood.

3. Her worst mood that you've ever encountered. 

4. And you can't seem to stop it.

5. And you've tried stuff.

6. Lots of stuff.

7. I mean you've tried offering her tea, you've tried hugging her, you've tried reminding her about the fun weekend you recently had together in Wilmington, you've tried ignoring her and watching TV, you've tried yelling at her to 'get over it', you've tried talking on the phone to your buddy and loudly exclaiming 'my wife's in a bitch of a mood, so why don't we head to Mexico for a few days', you've tried getting her a drink from the fridge without even asking if she wanted one, and then when it turned out that she didn't want one you tried just drinking it yourself so that she wouldn't be able to add your 'wasteful fucking ways' to her list of complaints, you've tried putting the cat on her lap and reminding her how cute she is, the cat that is, you've tried hiding in the backyard treehouse, you've tried offering to take the kids to their grandparents for the weekend, you've tried wrapping her in bacon and reminding her 'everything is better wrapped in bacon' and you've even tried telling HER she's cute, which she is most certainly not, yes you have TRIED to end her mood. 

8. Before you went back in time you didn't have a wife Meredith, in fact you were an eighty five year old gay man. 

9. And your cat was a monkey.

10. You HAD been trying to change your green hat blue.

That was ten signs that your latest escapades back in time in your time machine have failed to make the changed to the present that you WANTED to make. 

Next time just buy a blue hat you fools. 

Oh sad, sad world? - A poem

Floods, earthquakes, the ongoing war between the mongoose and snakes of the world and overpriced coffee 

But life isn't all bad 

For example 

I saw a rainbow the other day 

I didn't want to

It wasn't a choice 

I wasn't like seeking it out 

Running around in Hawaii with my shirt off yelling 

'Show yourself you bastard!!'

I don't do that

Pants off either

I only scream at the sky completely clothed!!!

Cause I'm a decent human 

Not like all you animals 

No I just ran into this rainbow randomly

But it turned out to be the best rainbow I'd ever seen 

Enormous 

Seemed to cover the whole sky

Just one color too 

Blue