Twenty Five - Large Lycra Needed

The world is full of problems. Luckily I have a solution to almost all of them: 

Need to shave but forgot your razor? Just stick your head in a fire started on a flame retardant blanket, implausible flame NEVER burns the skin because it doesn't want to ruin its reputation.

Want more friends named Jeremy? Simply run an ad in the paper saying 'found wallet belonging to Jeremy with ten thousand dollars cash in it, come to Connell Park on Friday to pick it up' then use the money to buy their friendship.

Want to find it easier to deny the existence of a seemingly frequently found bird? Just cross breed lizards with camels until you've created a Loch Nest Style Monster, unleash it on the city water supply, reveal that knowledge to the local news, which will start mass citywide hysteria, leading to people running all over the place to collect supplies in case this is an alien attack, and all the running will scare the birds off. 

Get offered the choice between a 'bowl of nuts' and a 'nut of bowls' and you just can't choose? Just remember that they are very different, VERY different, clearly the second one is just stupid, I mean you can't have multiple bowls! 

Need to insult someone? Simply say 'for your age' after any statement. Example - 'you are not a linoleum floor- for your age!' Boom, they'll be insulted NOW and BIG. 

Got faulty shocks on your car? Simply re-name them 'big springy things' and you won't even know what shocks are, let-alone know if they're faulty.  

Want to sell more product? Just give people what they want and make it easy, I mean hey supermarkets, seriously, I don't care that you always pre-cart them for some reason, but I really don't want to buy a baby! Dicks.

Got shot in the stomach? Just rub mayonnaise onto the wound to let the doctors know you probably deserved to be shot. 

Want an interesting, admirable in effort and yet ultimately failing way to prove that you rarely sail? Just eat an enormous garbage bag full of dried leaves. Frequent sailers only do that on special occasions at best.  

Want to prove that your fear of horns is in direct contrast to your time-machine building skills? Just publicly head-butt a tyrannosaurus.

Need more money due to some recent awesome schemes? Just collect the paper work needed to legally change your name and then keep an eye on the paper,  I've heard people sometimes find wallets full of cash and will just give it the the person with the right name! 

Yep, solutions to problems are easy. And I had a BIG problem here, and it was affecting me NOW! 

But as usual a clear answer came to me, and I came up with an ingenious, smart and flawless solution  - I was going to make the manager of this restaurant SEEM like he was great at his job, so good that I could get him fired, where his level of goodness was GREAT. It was ingenious, and flawless and even smart! 

There was only one problem - I didn't know HOW to make him seem great at his job. And even though I have answers to almost every dilemma imaginable, even I was going to struggle with this one, and this struggle was NOW, and it was BIG! 

*To be wrestled with further*

*As in wrestled with more*, rather than wrestled with far* away

*Speaking of more, own an arena and you need more events to put on? Just have tyrannosauruses wrestle lizard-camels, all the failed babies of attempts to create a Loch Nest Style Monster are currently not being used for ANYTHING!

Twenty Four - Opportunity Poking

I was ready to sacrifice my own selfish needs of demanding to look like the good guy, and look out for the greater good instead, which required having the manager fired, so I began looking for him, and I looked for him great, in a good sense, which is where the level of good is greatness.

There was just one little problem. As I walked around the restaurant I suddenly realized something that was potentially an obstacle - I didn't know HOW to have him fired. 

This baffled me for a moment or two, and I found myself muttering to myself (for the record, trust me, 'yourself' is the BEST person to mutter to. When you mutter to others you hardly EVER get what you want. Like once I tried muttering 'your hat is cool, can I try it on?' to this cool looking individual wearing a cool looking hat, and he replied 'sorry dude, I can't take it off, it's not a hat, it's a mane'. Fucking horses, such dicks, if your going to get pissed at me for muttering, then how about improving your own speaking quality, I could barely understand a word he said, nay, mumbled!). 'Getting fired is easy, you've done it in almost every job you've ever had, so what's different here, other than its not you getting fired?' I muttered to myself. And I decided to think back to the last time I was personally fired from a job. 

I had been hired as ‘Head Of Great Ideas and Motivation’ for my local Stolen Identities and Molotov Cocktails Super Store, Simcomart (for the record, NEVER buy a stolen identity disguised in Molotov Cocktail form from one of the small stores, trust me, half the time when you take the identity out, the Molotov Cocktail won't even work, I mean fuck you dicks, why didn't I just go to Sioco: Stolen Identities Only Co?)

And the job was going great, until one day my boss, Dannelle, told me to come into her office, and then absolutely bellowed 'WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?'

'Oh tons' I replied 'in fact consider this list of Great Ideas and Motivations I have instilled in this company so far, things that are FRESH, and NEW:

- I instilled Greatness As A Goal To Aspire Towards at the company.
- I instilled Snake Nest Toilet Rolls On Fire Next To Jars Of Worms at this company.
- I instilled Do Something Wrong That Kind Of Rhymes (But Not Really At All, So Much So Some People May Not Have Even Noticed You Even Tried) With Your First Triumph Tuesdays.
- I instilled Wear Nothing Except Coat Hangers, Come On, THEY’RE Fashion HEROES, But They Never Get To Enjoy Any Of The Glory Mondays.
- I instilled If You Poke Out Someone's Eye, You Should Put It In The Scanner And Send A Picture Of It To Everyone In The Company Worldwide, The Most Hilarious Caption Gets An Extra Day Off Thursday Afternoons.
- Which of course was my solution to complaints over some of the lob-sided scores during my recently instilled Chug LOTS of Mimosa Then Play Darts On Dart Boards Situated Really Close Together Thursday Brunches.
- And I even instilled Use The Word “Instilled” As Often As You Can Everyday; it's doing absolute wonders down in acquisitions and actuaries. Oh by the way, I also combined the acquisitions and actuary departments, it turns out that despite their names, those are actually very different skill sets, it’s like a slapstick movie DOWN THERE!’. 

I was nearly bellowing myself by the end, and I could see why SHE was screaming at ME! And as I thought back to this day NOW, I realized something BIG - no wonder I couldn’t think of how to get the manager fired, he was clearly awful at his job, and I was clearly only ever fired from jobs I was clearly AMAZING at! 

‘You’re fired!’ Dannelle screamed at me that day. I hadn’t realized just HOW great I was at this job even myself. I was clearly TOO good at the job. I'd only worked there two hours, and I'd overhauled that company, I mean consider how many ideas and motivations I could have developed had I lasted a week! And I'd even had had to spend half of that two hours filing an official complaint against a co-worker for yelling 'my eye, my eye, the new guy hit me in the eye with a dart!' I mean what I dick, some people just don't care about other people, yelling in the work place is distracting! I suspect he was just jealous because I beat him at darts!

Oh plus, because of me, the receptionist had met a cute paramedic. Sure they couldn't chat, because as the paramedic said himself 'I've never seen such horror' while he ran to the ambulance carrying three eyeballs with darts stuck in them, but it's good to meet someone nice regardless. I remember thinking at the time:

‘EYE love meeting new people' and 

‘EYE come here often, do you?' And 

'Has an angel fallen from heaven? If so while he's on the ground can you have him look for an EYE, I heard someone's missing one'.  

Even though I was fired I was sure that I’d still be included in the best caption contest. Wow, I had a chance to get and extra day off work! That was too good an opportunity to miss. 

As I thought back to this time NOW it was clear what I had to do. Clear as a window that was so dirty it's been removed completely and sent to a professional window cleaners, who themselves weren't that good, yet while they worked on the issue the window was windowless which is the clearest type of window ever, unless there is lots of pollution, which is always, yep I'm talking REALLY clear. And this was BIG, and required my attention NOW!

*What that is is still to taken off its hanging spot, so to speak*

*Kind of like clothes taken off your coat hanger, which just held it for you for possibly months with ZERO thanks, just try wearing a coat hanger occasionally, they deserve the opportunity!*

*Speaking for opportunity, for the record if you even get the opportunity to play Chug Lots Of Bloody Mary's and then Play Darts on Dart Bords Located Adjacent To Your Key Arteries on a Thursday Breakfast, trust me, say 'YES'. Most people amazingly quit after only two or three darts, so victory is EASY!

Can YOU follow instructions?

Here now are ten signs that you've grossly misinterpreted your extremely simple and very specific instructions: 

1. You've had a scientist use lasers to miniaturize you and now you're riding a manatee that has been giantized and turned into a Minotaur which dreams of becoming a matador, and you were told to only use 'plausible science'. 

2. I mean seriously, 'a matador?' As if the cow of the sea would dream of being cruel to bulls. That's soooo implausible. 

3. Well, ok, maybe if one had told her it was willing to move into the sea with her, but then when it got there was all like 'this is getting too serious too fast, you're suffocating me!' Then I guess it would be a TAD plausible. 

4. But then again, I mean you KNEW what you were getting into bull, seriously, it's not her fault you make promises you can't damn keep.

5. Plus why take the Minotaur step in the middle? You can be a matador without being a Minotaur. I've seen the bullfights, nearly HALF of the Matadors were not Minotaurs! Also why be giantized if you want to be a matador then do it, you can't let your dreams rely on you becoming someone or something else completely first, geez, no wonder miniaturized people are riding you, seriously man, have some balls. 

6. Oh wait, unless you've been castrated, that's sad, and you don't get to choose that as a baby calf, someone just does it. And then some people eat those things in some places! 

7. Disgusting people! 

8. Unless that's normal to them, who the fuck are you to judge how people eat in whole different places, being a judgmental dick may well be plausible, but that doesn't make it something you should allow into your heart no matter WHAT instructions you've been given. 

9. Plus maybe just don't 'ride' other creatures, we're all equal, don't you know about equality you dick, how fucking dare you think you have the right to dominate ANY creature, I don't care how much you've been miniaturized. 

10. And in this case your specific instructions were simply - 'use the art of litter gathering to redefine the unspoken language of love in a way that speaks to clouds, using plausible science ONLY' 

So there you go. How'd you go? Were YOU able to follow simple very specific instructions, or did you fuck it up just like everyone else? And if so can you recommend someone who isn't unable to follow simple instructions to me please. I really need someone to do this job for me, I have a friend who is a cloud that's sick of looking at litter and not being romantically warmed by it, oh and can you recommend a good miniaturizer to me? I met this cute manatee and I promised her I'd move into the sea with her, but her only possession is an old sunken shoe and as if I'm going to sleep outdoors, I'd get cold, be realistic please people. 

Twenty Three - See Through Shake

It was clear as day what I had to do, bright clear like the bright sun, clear as a cloud that's a cloudy cloud, and more specifically like a cloudy cloud which was so not cloudy that it was clear, as obvious as what's on the other side of a door, and when the door is made of air, and the air was made in a vacuum, and the vacuum hadn't sucked up whatever it was that was on the other side of the door, but HAD sucked up anything that was between the other side of the door and the thing on the other side of the door. Clearly I had to listen to my lesson - never ever EVER delay anything! 

I needed to know what dilly dally meant NOW, or I was in BIG danger of doing it, where 'it' meant 'dilly dally', and there was only one clear thing to do, clear as what's left behind after a nuclear bomb has been dropped on a town, and thousands of years have passed to let the radiation radiate away, and then the future people, most likely people who are part human, part robot, part mole, part alien and mostly balloons filled with lightning bugs, have gone 'you know what, let's just clear this whole area', and then despite not having any hands or even arms they have somehow managed to get ancient bulldozing technology to work and have miraculously pulled off this clearing, only to NOW be frustrated, as they have no idea what to do with this cleared area, and yet they, being beings without fingernails nor heads, can't even have the joyful physical satisfaction of scratching their noggins while they figure it out, yep I'm talking clear! 'Really clear' would he another way to put it. That's right - I had to have the manager of this restaurant fired, and hope that his replacement would swiftly add a dictionary to the restaurant library, and hopefully also use his managerial powers to have the man from the photos stop yelling at me so I could look in the dictionary in peace.

Now, having someone else fired isn't as fun as you'd think. They lose their jobs, their families possibly break up under the strain, they often cry, sometimes they make big heartbreakingly desperate yet ultimately fruitless speeches begging for another chance, and you have to watch them pour out with a yearning passion, a despairing need and a desperately impassioned hope for a reprieve born from their desperation and their passion, only to see their faces go white, and their hearts implode, as they are told that their efforts were frucked! Yeah sure, but yes, as strange as it seems, there can also be a DOWN side to having someone fired. 

For example it can sometimes appear to others that YOU are the bad guy. This is a HUGE sacrifice for someone like me, because I HATE seeming like the bad guy. Hate it like morning dew on my raincoat, 'hey it's a RAINcoat, not a DEWcoat you condensationed dick! Go to a restaurant library and read a friggin' dictionary!' I'm forced to scream. 

That's why I'm careful to be nice all the time. Like when I used to whip Kev, I always used a whip braided into the head of a girl I knew he found both pretty of face and of personality, and I made him walk in front of us, which gave heavily subtle phycological guidance that he was our 'pride' or 'flock' leader, even though he wasn't, and to make sure she didn't figure out the phycological games I was using to toy with her emotions, I'd tell her that Kev didn't date girls that had met a wizard. That's how nice I am. 

Being nice is just built into my soul, I tell myself that all the time, so I know it's true, and having this man fired was just an extension of that, I just had to be willing to sacrifice 'looking' like the bad guy, even though I was clearly the good guy here. 

The only thing that wasn't clear was whether I'd be ABLE to make this sacrifice. Ableness is not my forte. My forte is wrestling fructose deficient Freemasons, frequenting firestorm founders fondle fountains, and starting trends, and you only get one forte, so ableidity could never be it. And this could be BIG. This little nugget of murkiness was as misty as a fog descended into the darkened windows of a nugget factory, but I had to wipe the window with a cloth NOW, and it had to be a BIG cloth, because it often stinks in nugget factories, so they need BIG windows to open to let the stink soar! 

Would I ponder making this sacrifice? You're damn right I would!  

*The results of such pondering to be revealed*

*Revealed like what was on the other side of that door*

*Which was a wizards* hat.

*The wizard himself was vacuumed up, they really need to work on their anti-being-vacuumed spells, we get it, you've got the going 'poof' and  disappearing into a cloud of smoke thing nailed, but we then always need to get out vacuums to clean up the dusty residue that this leaves behind and I for one am sick of having to shake you wizards out of my vacuum bag, dicks! 

Twenty Two - Melting Stuck

It was a warm and moist evening the day that I learned an important lesson that has stuck with me ever since; stuck to me like a reminder note stapled to your chest saying 'don't forget to buy bandaids, for some bafflingly unknown reason you need them often, oh and don't forget to get a new box of staples too, maybe two, oh and remember to start writing your reminder notes in a smaller font, this 26 type really makes these notes large, and it's a total waste of staples'. Yep I'm talking stuck to me like a daily routine.

The hit new movie 'Gargoyles; And We're Not Talking The Concrete Ones On Buildings, We're Talking Live Ones, Ones That Don't Want YOU Alive' had just come out, and people were saying that it was the best overly long named movie of the whole summer. I remember personally even thinking 'those Gargoyles are BIG, and they are popular NOW!' One reviewer went as far as saying that the weird gibberish that the gargoyles spoke as they ate people's spleens was 'infectious'. 

He was right too of course. Gargoyle fever had spread around the culture like a virus that had attached itself to an airborne sickness of some sort that was spread around by some sort of bug, probably mosquitos, or possibly flies that had bred with mosquitos and had babies that were called flies but genetically speaking were mostly mosquito, that spread around a virus that had a symptom of a fever, a fever for Gargoyles. 

This was something I knew a thing or two about. I've started many trends that have turned it to be infectious. My recent 'jam a meat cleaver in your forehead like a unicorn horn' was so infectious, that the infection was sometimes dripping down my face.

But during this Gargoyle infection I was in a sticky situation, as due to my epically strong immune system, and because I found the CGI to be slightly substandard, and mostly because I don't follow trends, I START them, I just could not catch Gargoyle fever. It was awful, I hate when everyone has a sickness I can't catch. But I didn't need to wait long for a solution.

Little did everyone know that the 'Pet Gargoyles' I'd been making and selling as a way to capitalize on the trend, were glued together with a concoction made from my earwax, and puss from a bafflingly unwarranted weird wound I had on my head, that wouldn't stop leaking. The concoction turned out to be full of a virus, and the virus was infectious, and the virus acted in a way completely unpredictable, by acting unpredictably predictable, and it spread throughout the land. Soon the infection was all anybody talked about, which was funny because no one could hear due to an, I'm sure unrelated, outbreak of severe ear infections, that had almost everyone oozing with earwax.

I'm sure you all remember the great Waxing of 99'. It was awesome. EVERYONE was waxy, so no CARED about being waxy. 

We went sledding down slippery mountains of wax, we wax-boarded down mountains of sand, and we sand-sled up mountains made of board and wax, we shot eery horror movies in the fog down by the wax marshes, witches cast spells in bubbling cauldrons of wax, spells that made it possible for us to watch TV on our wax boxes, and watch great shows like '101 uses for your wax', 'Game Of Waxes', 'I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of this Wax, and 'How I Waxed Your Mother', we practiced our gymnastic jumps and flips with the safety of knowing we'd land softly and safely in pits of wax, we lay on our backs in parks and philosophized while trying to spot shapes in the floating by wax clouds, and we waxed lyrical after poetry readings while sipping on warm mugs of caffeinated Wax Sludge at hole-in-the-wall Waxfés, 

I even heard a couple once had a romantic dinner by the beautiful flickering light of a wax candle, and then made love in a room filled with beautiful burning wax aromatherapy pots, which would be beautiful if it wasn't so gross, eeeew romance. 

Everyone was having fun, except for me of course, I got epically distracted watching Seinwax, and suddenly I turned around and realized seven months had passed and the Gargoyle Fever had gone, and I still had three Pet Gargoyles in stock, meaning I'd probably have to sell them at a fifty percent off my regular retail price of four times production costs, which were zero. God damn it. This was going to cost me tonnes! Which made me think of the term 'a shit ton' which I hate, because no on can tell me if that's a metric or an imperial tonne? Meaning anytime I wanted to get out of something annoying, like helping Kev carry his sofa over to against the wall to see if his missing hamster was hiding under there, I'd have to compile two piles of shit, one a tonne and one the other size of a ton, to justify saying 'can't mate, got a shit ton of work'. 

Yep, it was horrible. But sometimes something horrible can lead to something good. Like one time was walking into a Gothic Cathedral and a Gargoyle fell off and landed on me, hurting me emotionally and rupturing my spleen, but I got something valuable from it, an idea for a completely original movie, it's about spleen eating Gargoyles! It's FRESH and it's NEW. I totally plan on writing it one day and selling it for millions! And this particular evening's horror was no exception, I learned a valuable lesson - when you have something to do, never ever EVER delay, not even for one second! 

As I circled the man from the photos in the restaurant library NOW I thought about this lesson. This was a lesson I would put to good use NOW, and the outcomes of it would be BIG. 

There's more to come*

*In the meantime I recommend re-watching some old episodes of Seinwax, remember the one where Jerrwax dumped a girl because, ha ha, because, ha ha, she drank her Caffeinated Wax Sludge at Monk's Waxfé with a straw*!!! It was HILARIOUS. 

*And yet drank her Caffeinated Wax Shakes WITHOUT a straw!  

Twenty One - A Shape Of Feeling

I was circling the man from the pictures now to intimidate him, circling him in the most perfect circle I could make, which is of course the squarest circle I could conjure, as obviously squares are better than circles, especially when it comes to circling someone. 

This was hard, because the only ruler I had was only twelve inches long, so I had to stop and re-set it every micro-step, to make sure each side of my circle was perfectly straight, which was time consuming and made my circling him slightly less intimidating than I intended. Plus I'd also accidentally gone clockwise which is only the third most intimidating direction to circle someone at BEST (after anti-clockwise and standing still while calmly asking the other person to pirouette on the spot), as if I didn't already have enough to worry about right NOW.

'Why don't you just follow the walls?' He said, after fifteen minutes or so of me circling him, 'they're straight and are only about seven inches from where you're walking, so you don't even need the ruler'.

I measured this distance. He was right. It was about three inches, which is EXACTLY just about seven inches. This spelled trouble, and trouble NOW, and it possibly even spelled BIG trouble, and I hate spelling, that dick. 

Obviously he must have been a wizard of some sort. Which was okay. I'd tangled with their sort before. Mostly at 'making whips from hair' workshops, which are often both fun and educational in a rewarding sense, and you get to take home the whips, as long as the person who's hair you've braided is easy to carry. 

My experience with wizards had always been great at these events, they're interesting and helpful, and one even taught me how to extract the essence of gnat WITHOUT needing to spend six months living in a gnat nest to earn their trust, it turned out with the secret power of not stealing their gnat food (which is mostly the essence of fleas) from right in front of their faces and right off their dinner plates, trust could be earned in merely four months! This was endlessly invaluable information. Then again, he did not tell me how I was supposed to get essence of flea without stealing it, which made the previous invaluable bit of information endlessly valueless. 

So I knew I had to be careful. But I also had to be swift. The restaurant library had no dictionary and this was a restaurant failure that was affecting me NOW and in a BIG way. 

My emotions started to get the best of me. And I've always found the best part of me is my ability to avoid feeling, and now with my emotions taking that part of me, I was left exposed, which always brings out my feelings. ALL of them. Over the next twelve minutes I felt more emotions than I'd ever felt before. Consider this list of emotions that I felt during this time:

- Love.

- Hate.

- Love-hate.

- Hate-love.

- The emotion in-between love and hate. 

- Let down.

- Hurt (Mostly on the souls of my feet where I'd landed when let down). 

- Uncomfortable (Mostly because the hair whip I'd hooked around a chandelier and climbed to get up high enough to get let down had gotten tangled in my hair, which I'd previously glued to my shirt while starting a new trend). 

- The fresh breeze from the open window blowing on my face.

- A hive of angry gnats gnawing at my knobby knee knobs (which I hide in my left ear so no one steals them) in what felt like a bizarrely, and obviously unwarranted, revengeful gnawing. 

- The emotion in-between hate and love. 

- The first man from the photograph's buttocks. 

- The spit from his yelling mouth splattering on my face. And 

- The emotion in-between the emotion in between hate and love and the emotion in-between love and hate.

For some people some of those things aren't even emotions. But a while ago I decided to develop the special skill of turning things that aren't emotions into emotions, and I know it works because whenever I get hit in the head with a flying table (not an emotion) thrown at me by someone I thought cared about me unequivocally, I feel hurt (which IS an emotion). 

I also felt the emotion of the absence of the dictionary I needed. And this was critical. I needed to respond. And I needed to respond NOW, and in a BIG way. Luckily I figured out a simple and easy to execute solution, and it was a solution that would help me NOW, but it would super hard to achieve, and would require a BIG sacrifice. Something I was willing to make, or was I?*

*The answer to this question shall be exposed very soon*

*Soon being the amount of time it takes to expose it*

*It being both 'it' and the other* 'it'

*'It' an emotion that I personally was the first EVER to feel*! 

*I also once remarkably felt 'hurt' when I was dumped into an empty grave filled with poisonous jellyfish by a lady who said she loved me but really only wanted to steal my car, yep I can turn anything into an emotion, it truly is a special special skill. 

Twenty - Safely Motivated

I find the library sections in most restaurants, either Mexican restaurants that were formally fish tank themed restaurants, or the other kind (Italian I think), to be frequently underwhelming. 

They rarely have a good selection of books, often filling valuable shelf space with books with unenticing titles such as 'Restaurant Management Guidelines', 'Company Sexual Harassment Policy' and 'How To Run A Successful Restaurant', all of which often end up being thrilling reads, but they just don't hook me in with the titles.  

And some of the bookshelves themselves look more like filing cabinets than traditional bookshelves, and you look through them and instead of books there are files! Who wants to read those? 

The reading desk is usually covered in folders with things like 'payroll' and 'Produce Orders' written on them. 

Frequently some dick will have left piles of his unopened mail lying around, and next to a letter opener, which is like a knife, and so you're forced to write a list of people you'd imagine would have fun screams if they were stabbed, but then all the note paper you can find has the restaurants name printed on it. It's MY stab list, not the restaurants, those dicks. 

And there are often photos sitting on the desk of some weird guy with what look like his kids. 

The library computer is regularly password protected, and it doesn't matter how many of the files you pull out and scatter all over the floor, none of them seem to have the password written on it. So you try guessing the password, trying every dirty word you can think of, and there are LOTS, especially if you, like me, like to coin a new one every couple of days. Consider these ones I've coined in just the past week:

- Blug

- Jurp

- Muskartflupt

Disgusting right? And it's not pleasant having to type all these into the password spot. Then suddenly the computer tells you that you have guessed too many times, and the computer is now blocked for seven days.

And the door to the library for some reason doesn't say 'library', it's as if they don't WANT to encourage people to read? What dicks. Reading is great. Instead they'll try and scare you off by putting 'Managers Office' on the door. 

And sometimes when you're trying to read one of the books, the guy that's IN the photos will come in and yell at you. Like YOU'RE the one just leaving pictures of yourself in random places. And you try to say 'shhhh' this is a library, keep your voice down. But he never listens, that dick. 

And often he has a little tag on his chest saying 'manager'. What a weird thing to boast about. Who wants to just be 'managing'. That's what you do when you're recovering from a bad break up, 'I heard about Karen, how are you doing?' Someone will ask you. 'Oh, it's hard, but I'm managing' you'll reply. And what you mean is that you've just spent nine straight hours cutting Karen's eyes out of all your pictures and sticking them on a your sleeping friend Kev's face so that when he wakes up you can say with a laugh 'EYE, see you have a rash there, ha ha'. So being a 'manager' is something you should keep quiet about really. That's why I always wear a tag saying 'thriver'. 

Now as an avid reader I've checked out the library section in almost all the restaurants I've ever eaten in, and disappointment is something I've learned to just cope with. Besides I've discovered it to be a touchy subject with a lot of restaurants, some have even kicked me out for complaining. Seriously! 

Well this restaurant that I'm in NOW is a BIG restaurant, so I was sure that their library would be good, and good in a great way, with the greatness being in regard to how good it was. And it turned out this this library WAS great, except it was great in the sense of greatly resembling all other restaurant libraries that have disappointed me. It had ALL of the problems I've listed above. But it even had more than that. It also had the following horrors:

- None of the filing cabinets had six month old burritos in them for me to eat, and I was hungry. 

- On the wall was a motivational poster about how if you're on top of a mountain you probably only got there because you worked hard, and I thought 'well I'm a hard worker, I must be on a mountain' so I did all the things you do on top of a mountain, I peed off it, I stuck a flag in it and declared it mine, and I wrote a book about how hard it was to climb, and get this, some of the pee somehow splashed back from the valley below all the way back to my feet, my flag fell over, and my literary agent said 'we can't publish this because actually, based on your story, I think you may not have actually climbed a mountain, and may have been in the mangers office at a restaurant somewhere'. Yeah right. 

- The guy in the photos seemed to not just have kids, but also some form of parental figure of his own. Yeah right, those leave when you're six you dick, I hate lies in photo form. 

- One of the books was about 'The Economics of Restaurants'. I've already read that in seven different restaurant libraries, seriously guys, variety please. 

- After re-reading the chapter on how most restaurants don't need their own helicopter fleet I remembered one of the reasons that I had failed as a restauranteur myself (another reason was that I found out people don't want ghost monkey soup), and thinking of helicopters reminded me that those are another way to get to the top of a mountain, and riding those isn't hard work, making me think all my time climbing this mountain had been wasteful, AND that the poster was lying to me. 

- After bitterly pulling down the poster, ripping it to tiny pieces, eating those pieces, digesting those pieces, then pooing them out and wiping them on the wall, I discovered a safe where the poster had been. But I couldn't break into it because some dick had wiped faeces on it. 

- Having found a safe I was reminded that sometimes it's NOT the cloak room of a restaurant that hides the secret VIP room and other fun stuff, sometimes it's the library! So maybe I didn't need to feel bad that I didn't find fun stuff in the cloakroom after all. 

- But after digging up the carpet, and smashing holes in the wooden floor below with my bare hands, and finding nothing but some sort of car garage, I did now feel like I had to feel a certain way about not finding anything fun in the library, and that feeling was a bad feeling, because the feeling was bad. 

- Plus I got a splinter in my thumb somehow! What sort of restaurant keeps splinters lying around? 

Normally finding a library this bad in all the regularly bad ways and even other bad ways would make me complain to the management about how bad it was, and complain BIG, and right NOW. 

But I couldn't today, for today I was in danger, and this was BIG danger, and I was in it NOW! And I really needed a dictionary so I could look up what 'dilly dally' meant, so I could make sure I didn't do it in dealing with this danger. But on top of the other ways that this library was terrible, they also didn't have a dictionary! 

Yet of course they DID have a man from the photos yelling at me. But I wasn't going to just 'manage' with this today. This was too important. I had to thrive. I was going to have to force them to update their library, by adding a dictionary, and to do that I was going to have to do something BIG, and I had to do it NOW, but how would I do it? 

*The answer is on its way*

*Speaking of ways, the best way to get a splinter out of your finger flesh is to play a game of 'throw your finger at a pair of tweezers that have recently been eaten by a kid' the kid will eat your finger, the tweezers will eat your splinter, and your nub will scare the kid, it's the circle* of life. 

*A type of shape, kind of squarey, but in a more 'not very squarey' way. 

Sharney And Dave: Meditation Empowering Super Spirituality - I Am Ready

Ready for the life that you've always wanted to deserve? A life like you've always hoped to dream to one day hope for? One so good that other people say - 'hey you, you don't deserve that life, give me some you dick!' Where you've been uplifted so high that you're grounded deep in wonderment. With excellence overpowered with hopeful extremity? Where desire MEETS reality, and hang out a bit, and see if they get along?
You need Sharney And Dave: Meditation Empowering Super Spirituality!
Coming Today!!! And weekly from now on, on Yes Vs No! ‪#‎YesVsNo


Subscribe Here  


 https://itunes.apple.com/au/podcast/yes-vs-no/id926018891

Nineteen - Thriving Clarity

I should tell you more about Ol' Herb, the guy I sometimes bunk with in the dump behind the burned out school. 

He's a swell guy; he's great to chat with late into the night, he's warm to spoon with when it's cold, he knows eight languages, seven of which he invented himself, and all eight of which sound like the sound a wildebeest makes when it sheds its baby spleen, he wears the coolest sunglasses I've ever seen as super impractical underpants, he smells like vinegar so whenever he's around you don't have to worry about your spare fingers disintegrating, he claims to have once knitted seven thousand fully functioning mountain bikes in just nine days, and when you point out that physics would make that implausible and that in fact he probably only knitted four or five thousand perfectly functioning mountain bikes, he whips off what you think is his scarf and is suddenly popping wheelies on it, which is funny, because it's not a mountain bike at all, it's a more like a freestyle BMX, and even still, it doesn't change a thing, five thousands is the maximum number of ANY kind of fully functioning bike you can knit in nine days, that's just physics, he has great taste in who to violently loath based on what music they like, and he has a badass nickname - 'Herb' ('Ol' is his given name). 

Yet he's not ALL fun and games.  (Although we do have great fun playing the game 'throw a spare finger near a kid and see if he eats it' copy write me and Ol' Herb). But like most people he also has some flaws. For example he doesn't understand metaphors. And I'm saying he doesn't understand them AT ALL! 

Like say I say to him something normal such as - 'I'm gonna go fondle a scream level taste of the moon lit monsoon principle that's going on below the rust hatted simulating harbor night'. 

He'll reply something like 'huh'? When clearly the obvious response, from someone who DOES understand metaphors, would be - 'ah yeah, I also feel like rolling myself up in a ball of bubble wrap and diving into crowds of people waiting in line to meet the meat eating star of the film 'Meeting the Meat', can I come?' 

Yes! I'm being serious here. Like he doesn't understand metaphors AT ALL. 

Or like one time I said to him - 'well dungeon beyond the flip of a gregarious hunch boot'. 

And instead of replying - 'Can we add two junctions of length streamed poll rip',  such as you or me would respond. He just went - 'wha?'

Doesn't understand them. AT ALL. Metaphors that is. 

Or one time I asked him - 'clip flung desert wielded quip fast?' 

And instead of replying the obvious - 'no thanks, I wrap young plied ether myself', he simply said 'eh?'

Just doesn't get them. Metaphors we're talking about. AT ALL! 

And another unrelated thing, he also doesn't hear great, which would be another of his flaws. 

And here's the lesson. You can still learn things from flawed people. Valuable things. In fact hanging out with Ol' herb has taught me quite a few things in my life, things that affect me almost daily, things such as:

 - Don't steal a man's blanket when you're both sleeping outside in a blizzard, or while you're sleeping he'll dump a deep pile of snow on you. 

- Never discuss music with an adolescent spleen shedding wildebeest, or you'll end up singing three part harmonies in a style that really ends up hurting your throat. 

- Don't play 'throw a spare finger at a kid and see if he eats it' near a flock of Maroon Beaked Vulture Hawks unless you really don't care if you don't get your fingers back (and yes I know Maroon Beaked Vulture Hawks have officially had their existence denied, but things that don't legally exist are often very hungry). And..

-  If you're ever in danger, which you always are, because danger lurks everywhere, if you're lucky enough to figure out what SORT of danger you're in, then you can't dilly dally, you have to respond, and your response needs to be BIG! And it needs to be NOW! 

Ol' Herb had said this last one to me thousands of times. 

- He said it when we were licking our wounds having been pecked half to death by non-existent birds.

- He said it after we'd injured our wrists diving into hordes of Meeting the Meat fans. And...

- It was the last thing he said to me as he was taken to the hospital due to some random freak hypothermia. 

And I always nodded along. Promised him I would take his advice. That I would learn from him. That I would not let the wisdom he learned from his many sufferings go to waste. And I meant it too. Why wouldn't I? Ol' Herb is a swell guy after all. 

The only problem was that I had a secret. Something BIG. And something that affected me right NOW, and by NOW I don't mean then, I mean NOW! 

Yep I still didn't know what 'dilly dally' meant, and this lack of knowledge was about to affect me NOW, and in a BIG way...

*In what way to be revealed shortly* 

*Short like Ol' Herbs patience for wildebeest that can't harmonize well*

*A well being where we'd sing, the acoustics down there are great! 

Eighteen - Spread All Over

If you're anything like me, and I assume that you are, then there are certain things about us that I can assume we share. Like for example I bet we ALL share following three step routine as we wake up every morning: 

1. We sit up in our pile of trash that we're using as a bed, having locked ourselves out of our homes permanently, prop ourselves up with some pillows, and wipe the slugs off our testicles. 

- 'Testicles' of course being the nickname we've given our lettuce patch. 

- 'Lettuce patch' being what we call the weird endlessly leaky rash that's where we used to have a tomahawk imbedded in our shins. 

- 'Weird' being what call something clearly not worrisome, and definitely worth taking lots of photos of to send to people we admire.

2. We then eat some breakfast. 

- Usually some toast, perhaps with tomato, cheese and lettuce. 

- 'Toast' being what we call the tiles we found in a box behind the burned down school. 

- 'Tiles' being what we call a finely cooked buffet of breakfast classics both savory and sweet, depending on what you demand, to be enjoyed in our pile of trash that we're using as a bed.

- And 'Pile of trash' being what we call our mate Dick's bed.

- 'Dick' being what we sometimes call our mate Kev

3. We then shower, get dressed, and get on with our day.

- 'Shower' being what we call dousing ourselves in movie stuntman grade lighter fluid and lighting ourselves on fire to boldly burn off that morning's congregation of body lice and maggot infestations found on our bodily body parts, such as skin, hair, and newly developed bodily openings. 

This is the classic way to start the day. Although obviously we all have some fluctuations from time to time. Like for example sometimes Kev has accidentally had the locks to his apartment changed and for a couple of days you have to just call things what they are because Ol' Herb (the guy that also sometimes lives in the dump behind the burned down school) doesn't understand metaphors, which sucks because it makes breakfast disgusting. Tomato, cheese and leaky rash on toast? Yuck, tomato! It literally grew ON something, that's foul.

But still, the point is, you can see how we're all similar. So like you, when I whip out MY 'things I imagine this could be, and are therefore likely to be true' diary, I don't just start sketching out things. I first have to warm up my drawing skills, which is what I did NOW, and in my BIG 'things I imagine this could be, and are therefore likely to be true' sketchpad, as I like to draw things life size.

Luckily Kev was passed out now, so I had a perfect model, even if I couldn't get his pants off to get him nude like a proper model, because for some reason he had a knife stuck through his pants and jammed into his skin, and so pulling down his pants was troublesome. Still I did manage some good warm up sketches of things in the room, including but not limited to:

- A drawing of Kev, pants pulled down just below his junk, pointing at it, with a thought bubble thinking 'talk about being a Dick, am I right?' 

- Six sketches of frogs pretending to be giant caribou, pretending to be four mountains, that think they are cathedrals, that always have been and only ever will be mere specks of dust.

- A picture of Kev, pants pulled down just below his junk, pointing at it, with a thought bubble thinking 'wow, it IS true what people say, if you want to know how big a guy's junk is just look at his hands, because sometimes they're pointing directly at said junk, so you know how to find it'. 

-  A room of people staring at me, muttering to themselves, obviously in awe of my drawing skills.

- Sketches of dozens of waitstaff for some reason carrying plates of food out from the cloak room. 

- A sketch of a half eaten burrito as seen from the point of view of its mind eye, in which it was actually a giant submarine speeding through the water, torpedoing a fancy resort town, even though it's been half eaten by a giant squid, that itself was half eaten by a swarm of flesh eating ants that had ran for the sea after a man had tried to burn them off him. 

- A sketch of the manager standing over me with an angry facial expression and pointing towards the restaurant exit, obviously jealous that the waiters were getting sketched before him so threatening to walk out if I didn't sketch him next, that needy dick. No wonder people hate management. 

- A sketch of Kev, pants pulled down just below his junk, with the three specks of dust drawn double life sized next to it, but with an arrow pointing at the junk and the dust saying 'REGULAR life sized, dust not doubled at all, I swear'.

Obviously the last one, ha ha, was just for fun, something I normally wouldn't do when I was in danger NOW, and especially when the danger was BIG as it was NOW, but I figured I had a bit of time up my sleeves, as these sketches altogether  took less than three hours. And I'd impressed so many people that three quarters of the clientele had left the whole establishment to go tell their friends. Even my waiter had left, I assume to go gather his daughters, as he clearly now wanted me to marry one of them as soon as possible, especially if one of my drawings was up for grabs as a reverse engagement gift, needy dick.  

I was finally ready to draw the 'things I imagine this could be, and are therefore likely to be true' and I therefore about to find out exactly what danger I was in: 

- First I drew myself drowning in a tidal wave of submarine blood oozing out of a half eaten submarine, and I KNEW instinctively that THIS was what my tooth was warning me of. But then I remembered that giant squid LOVE the taste of submarine blood, and would surely have licked it all up, so this was implausible. 

- Second I drew a seventeen thousand man army of horse bound jousters storming the restaurant, and I just KNEW instinctively that THIS was what my tooth was warning me about. But then I looked closely at some of the jousters in the back and noticed their facial expressions screamed 'ahh man, why am I always in the back, this sucks, it's not like Scotty up there in the front is THAT much better a jouster than me, this sucks' and I just KNEW that when you're feeling hard done by, you NEVER call a guy named Scotty his preferred name elongation, you just call him Scott, so I knew this was implausible. 

- Next I drew a picture of someone standing next to me with a thought bubble thinking 'I'm not sure that you really ARE hero, in fact I think you just kicked an old man for no real reason'. And I never even considered this could be plausible for a single second, I mean if someone thought that why'd they leave the restaurant to go tell their friends about what a hero I was? 

But then it happened, with just my fourth drawing I drew something really cool, and I just KNEW instinctively that this WAS what my tooth was warning me about. Yep I DEFINITELY was in danger, and it DEFINITELY was BIG, and in regard to it needing action NOW, well that was something definitely DEFINITE! 

Because this was a type of danger that was FRESH and NEW. It was eery, once again my 'things I imagine this could be, and are therefore likely to be true' diary had flawlessly revealed the truth, and this was a truth that would affect me BIG and it effected me NOW! 

Coming up the subject of the fourth drawing will be exposed*

*Much like Kev's junk in the restaurant, which surprisingly didn't have a single patch of flesh eating insect OR bacteria on it, I really must remember to ask him his secret. 

Check it out, it's the BEST worst show on Television!

Seventeen - Leaving Behind The Pocket

There's an ancient Chinese saying of wisdom that I recently coined - 'leaving a kid somewhere is probably nearly as bad as taking a kid, depending on the place, the kid, your relationship to the kid, your intentions, and whether you are real or a cartoon of a rambunctiousness goat'.

I like this ancient bit of Chinese wisdom for numerous reasons:

- I came up with it. 

- It's super wise. 

- It covers almost every dangerous situation you may find yourself in.

- Particularly ones where someone is considering either child abandonment or kidnapping. 

- Which lets face it, is most situations. 

- And it also covers every other situation, including, but definitely not limited to - angry tree climbing, pretending a train is actually a man licking another man's shoe, criminal level wave drying, forgetting to wear shoes leaving your head really cold in a blizzard, timing how long it takes someone to realize their watch has been replaced with a small scorpion, picking off people's purely deception motivated moles and glueing them to a vomit themed floor painting, and even somethings that we don't all do regularly, like washing our hair. 

- Because actions don't really matter, all that matters is what your intentions were. 

- And also it covers times when you're being a rambunctious cartoon goat, which quite frankly is almost completely ignored by most ancient Chinese quotes, those dicks. 

I was thinking about this bit of wisdom right NOW because I was in danger, BIG danger, I mean sure the waiter's actions suggested he was happy with me, this man was even willing to give me stuff, stuff like a keychain or even one of his daughters, and that can be BIG important drastic stuff, like imagine how annoying he was going to find fishing his mail box key out from his pocket NOW! And getting your mail is hard enough as it is, given that for some reason mail boxes always have a deadly spider in them with a small note attached to one of their back legs saying 'property of Kev's brother', nature sure is weird. Yet my tooth was throbbing, so I was clearly in danger, that meant the waiter's intent was something OTHER than what it seemed. 

I was also thinking about this bit of wisdom because there was a kid crying near by me, which was super distracting, he'd clearly been abandoned, as who would want a crying kid, but he was ALSO in process of being kidnapped, because some lady was holding him and singing a lullaby, which just goes to prove that kidnappers are stupid.

I needed to respond to this danger NOW, and my response needed to be BIG! Unfortunately my throbbing tooth may be a gift and a talent, but it's remarkably unspecific, so I wasn't sure what exactly I was in danger of. 

Like for example one time I was driving my car and I realized my tooth was throbbing, so I assumed a meteorite was about to plummet into my car, but after drastically cutting across four lanes of traffic and watching several small petroleum explosions the size of a cruise ship, it turned out that the ACTUAL danger I faced that day was having to talk to a police officer with a lisp for five minutes - it was literally the worst encounter with a cop anyone has ever had! 

Or this other time I was riding on a man trying to lick another man's shoe when I realized my tooth was throbbing, and so I naturally I assumed that I was in danger of missing my stop, so I pulled on the emergency break while simultaneously shoving the grand piano I was traveling with out the window, causing the whole man trying to lick another man's shoe to derail, and as I walked away from the small electrical fire the size of a train, I discovered the real danger I'd been in - having to talk to a police officer with a face birthmark for four minutes - it was literally the worst encounter with a cop anyone has ever had ever! 

Or another time I was at a massive police convention giving a speech on 'Staying Alert' when I noticed that my tooth was throbbing and so obviously I instinctively assumed that one of the cops was secretly ten cats sticky-taped together and wearing a trench coat so they could steal my secrets on how to catch a red dot (clue: you have to start by dipping your catching paw in a bucket of liquified casino neon), when it turned out I was actually in danger of having my wallet pick pocketed, what sort of utter son of bitch, piece of shit, total dick would steal a wallet? I have no fucking clue. But it meant I had to talk to a police officer with halitosis for three minutes - it was literally the best encounter with a cop anyone has ever had ever (because, he he, while we were talking I stole his wallet). 

Yes danger looms everywhere, and there is no logic or pattern to it, it is completely different every time. So what danger I was in right now could be literally anything. There were only two things I knew for sure, this danger was BIG and I was in it NOW. 

There was only one thing I could do. React NOW and react BIG, and so I did it. I whipped out my 'things I imagine this could be, and are therefore likely to be true' diary and began to sketch out some thoughts on what the danger here might be. And what I was to draw would be so mind blowingly mind blowing that it was going to blow even my own mind, and in a mind blowing fashion so fashionable that it would blow minds all throughout the following fashion season, a season that would be turned out to be focused on the fabric pattern of blown minds! 

To be revealed* 

*Like when the sexy cartoon goat you have your eye on takes off her goat suit and turns out to be a wolf that's super dumb and thinks you're a lamb. Ha ha, you're going hungry you dick*! 

*Speaking of dicks, here's a fun fact - turns out cops don't even know what a man trying to lick another man's shoe is! That's why talking to them sometimes sucks. 

Life advice from Bill

Life advice from Bill 

(Cue theme song) 

1-2-3-4

It's advice for life 

Because problems are rife 

So you need advice 

Hopefully someone will be nice 

Wait I know who will 

Let's just talk to Bill 

That's me! 

Hi, the name is Bill. Well it's William, but they make be go by Bill so the song rhymes. 

Here's some advice by me. 

Start your day STRONG and your whole day will go swell! 

Now here's how to do it - first thing I always do the second I wake up is roll around murmuring for a second or two, then sitting bolt upright while blood curlingly screaming 

'NOT TILL NEXT WEEK, CALL MY OFFICE, WE'LL SET SOMETHING UP, YOU KNOW WHAT, I'LL CALL YOU, NO POINT YOU RINGING WHEN I'M TOO BUSY TO TAKE THE CALL HALF THE TIME, AND THE THE OTHER HALF OF THE TIME I'M TAKING CARE

OF BUSINESS, WINK WINK, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, WINK'. 

That way whoever's front lawn I'm waking up on thinks I'm so on it that I'm even taking care of business DURING my nightmares! So imagine what I'd be able to pull off in the waking hours! 

It'd have led to all sorts of great opportunities too, but I don't like to get up till after noon so I'm only impressing home during the day lazy non-working bums. Assholes. Plus none of them have even bothered to recommend a good stopping over winking surgeon, dicks. 

(Cue outro music)

1-2-3-4

It's advice for life 

Because problems are rife 

So you need advice 

Hopefully someone will be nice 

Wait I know who will 

Let's just talk to Bill 

That's m... Wait no I'm William, surely they could have found a way to make that work, um

I know who silligam, milligram, um, till a ham, fuck this is hard, damn it, I'm Bill.

That's me!