Prominent Truth

'The envelope is full of mystery' she said. And truer words HAD never been said. Not because of what she literally said of course. There was a letter to the editor in there. No fucking mystery there. Those are pretty standard things. 

- Prominent person claims that we need more helmets in jousting competitions. 

- Equally prominent person, says 'no, it's spinal injuries not skull injuries you fool'

- Slightly more prominent person says 'but what about the cost you idiots?'

- Epically prominent monkey says 'you know that it's clear that it's the joust wounds to the chest that kill 99% of jousters right?'

- Politician says 'I'll fund the helmets with a joust tax you retards.' 

- Child molester writes a letter to the editor complaining about cameras at playgrounds. 

No there was no mystery at all. That's not why truer words had never been said. It we what she had figuratively said that mattered of course. 

I mean learn to use email you assholes, it's not that hard. 

Death under

No one has ever died of armpit aerobics.

Because that didn't exist till I invented it right now! 

Which means if someone dies of it soon it'll be MY fault. 

Holy fucking shit eating fuck balls.

I'm not built for this type of pressure. 

Inventing stuff sucks. 

Plus armpit aerobics?

Ewwww. Whoever came up with that is obviously a fucking psycho. 

YOUVE BEEN POETRYIFIED! 

So alive

Kyle Thacter was ecstatic. He was about to execute a plan to achieve living out a life long dream he'd been coveting every moment he'd lived for his whole life. 

Man did he feel alive.

He was in the world's biggest furniture store in Omaha. The beautifully green and white behemoth known poetically by its actual name - Nebraska Furniture Mart. And let's be clear, you can't not be smart when you shop in a mart. 

Oh BOY did he feel like he was living in a way that made him feel alive. 

It was past the closing time as posted on the front door in the section that they had dedicated specifically to posting opening hours. They don't post closed hours, but yep, they sure as hell are implied.

God damn it he felt life was finally mostly about feeling alive. 

They'd made several announcements to 'finish your payments and please exit', one of the doors was already locked, and several others were about to join in on the fun, and while we're in the land of severality its an apt time to point out that several of the flat screen TVs had already been switched off, most people had left, a couple of others were heading for the door, and Kyle had totally not been noticed by anyone as he was playing dead next to a stuffed giraffe and a giant '&' symbol. 

Fuck him him this way to necrophilia he was living life was like a life affirming hero overcome with feeling alive! 

He was about to be in the store ALONE! 'I'm gonna sit in at least twelve recliners!' He thought to himself with bubbling glee, almost boiling over levels of bubbling, and glee almost dripping with ice storms of yippeeness! 'Maybe even see if I can fit in a fridge!'

But then it happened. Disaster. 

Shit full of blood for three or four days type horror. He'd fucked up. Possibly even fucked down. And worst of all, almost certainly fucked in. 

He realized that had he promised his dad that he'd come around and show him how to download jazz onto his laptop. 

What should he do? The options were as many, as they were variable as they were varied in the numeracy:

- Follow his dreams? 

- Follow through with his promise?

- Try and sit on twelve recliners, then maybe compromise and see if he could fit in an oven? 

- Something else? 

The potential results of these actions were as numerable as the were obviously dripping in obvious flames of numbered possibilities: 

- Diving headfirst into an end table hoping to dislocate his neck, before calling for his lawyer from a rolled up rug that he'd rolled himself up into all while screaming 'the mob did it, the mob did it', before making new friends with someone in the organized crime division of the FBI and hoping that they owned a jazz album he could borrow making the downloads unnecessary. 

- Bellowing 'the Egyptians invented furniture and now they're all dead! DEAD I TELL YOU'? Then inventing red paint out of rug fibers, before day dreaming he was in a factory copied painting of Paris, that was magically appearing in a mirror next to the fry pans, making eggs, flipping a bird like jackpot, and using this attention grabbing opportunity to ask an employee where the nearest exit is. 

- Try sitting in an oven that's SET to recline! 

- Stealing an employee's identity and escaping to Ohio where he could burn all his skin off with melted cheese and join a traveling freak show, masquerading as a stable freak experience, before taking a job at Goldman Sacks and firing their gold trader. 

Yep, he realized right then that he had options. 

He'd never felt so lived in a living life disc that was nothing but overwhelming feelings of being alive! Or, and this is where it gets even more exciting, possibly even something else! 

Ooohhh.. Satisfying!

The only way she could escape...

The inferiority 

The insincerity 

The third word starting with i and ending with y that this pattern asks for

Icy perhaps 
Ooohh efficient

Way better than say... Inexplicably  

Was to remember that inferior insincerity is the BEST kind of inferiority 

Way better than say 

Inexplicable iciness 

Which would be something almost impossible to escape from 

Unless she had like a warm coat 

Oooh convenient 

Wait she had a warm coat just ready to go?

Even though the iciness was inexplicable?

She didn't even need to escape did she? 

She planned the whole fucking thing! 

That evil fucking maniac!!

Way better than say...

Being a lazy indiscriminately incensed ill used idly impish ass! 

And let's face it, that where at the top of this story we all thought this girl would end up, right? 

Ooohhh.. Satisfying! 

 

The fucking song

I like to think that if I had my own radio show dedicated to country hits of today and yesterday my show would be called 'Farm and Barn', and my theme song would go:

Don't reach out your arm

To cause harm 

Or set off alarms

That'll ruin calm

So instead use that arm 

To turn on the best darn 

Show called 'Farm and Barn'  

The only problems I can see with this plan are as follows:

- I don't currently have my own county radio show. 

- Let alone one that has country hits from today AND yesterday. 

- They rarely have theme songs for country radio shows. 

- I hate the thought of alienating people who enjoy causing harm.

- Or calm.

- 'Farm and Barn' would be a stupid name for show, only picked cause I like that those are both country sounding words that rhyme. 

- The song kind of suggests that this is merely the best show of all those called 'Farm and Barn'.

- Which is maybe fifty shows world wide tops.

- Best out of fifty is not a goal enticing enough to put in the work that would be required to be the best. 

- And it'd be uncouth to lie in song. 

- Farms and Barns are places that often have bad radio reception. 

- So is Guam. 

- Which is a rhyme that didn't even make the fucking song. 

- I hate the thought of alienating the armless. 

Other than that I'm set, so, yeah... Send me your job offers now! 

All Praise

She was always on time.

It was her thing.

'I'm always on time!'

She'd reply. 

Upon being asked if she had a thing. And then being pressed about what that thing was. 

But that was before the clocks stopped.

She has a new thing now.

Glushgg scrubber in the post dystopian post alien invasion post democratic alliance of the post postmaster era. 

It's not as cool as her old thing, but as she always say. 

'Glushgg's ass stinks if no one scrubs it'.

Oh wait, maybe saying that could be her new thing? 

Cool. 

Turns out there's hope for us all. 

All praise Glushgg. 

Red Comfort

He wore a red shirt. 

He always did. 

'It's the only way to know there's not a bull stalking you ready to gore'

He'd regularly say. 

'But then if there is one you'll be the first gored' I'd reply.

'Exactly, I've been gored three times on land, and once on a cruise, it's a small price to pay for knowing for sure that if you were going to be gored there's a good change it'll already have happened' he'd state. 

'A bull on a cruise, that's interesting' I'd ponder. 

And that's how the Red Coats lost the war of independence.

YOU'VE BEEN HISTORYIED! 

Wombat or Saucy Socialist?

Time to play... Wombat or Sensational Saucy Socialist Scandinavian Serendipitous Party Trick? 

You put it in your mouth.... 

You put IT in you mouth....

One last time 

YOU put 'it' in your mouth.... 

Kazaaaaghkhh!!! Awwww. No winners today, but we'll be back again tomorrow. Thanks for playing everyone. Thanks for watching at home. Thanks to my lovely co-host Melon. Thanks to King Jurijg. Thanks to the heavily militarized militia that stalk my subconscious. Thanks to the 17.2% of the world's population who don't know how much to tip their private scalp masseuse. Thanks to my pet Moose. Thanks to miscellaneous millisecond millepedes. Thanks to the crime reporters from the 1820s and their tireless efforts to create a still beloved system of lightening horror with great puns, such as 'Your Chances of Enjoying A Night At The Movies This Weekend Have Been SLASHED' and 'Still Happy That Front Door Locks Have Yet To Be Invented? Find Out Why That's A Brutally Stabbed In The Neck, Skinned, And Then Turned Into Lampshadingly Stupid Thing To Think, Right After This Commercial Break'. Thanks to plastic for still being the world's best substance to make plastic bags out of. Thanks to suitcases for giving us all the opportunity to slyly whisper to someone 'I'm casing this joint' with them knowing full well you may not be planning on robbing the place, but merely planning on burying it in suitcases. Thanks to elaborated practical jokes for being so darn practical, and occasionally even elaborate. Thanks to toiletries for making actual trees feel less subconscious about being what die to make toilet paper. And thanks to moonshine for being the only good thing ever made of moon rocks. 

That's it from us tonight, but please join us again tomorrow for another exciting game of ... Wombat or Sensational Saucy Socialist Scandinavian Serendipitous Party Trick?  

Carry On Then

I should have known something was up when they announced that as the plane was full they'd be enforcing the two carry ons only rule we'd all agreed to at check in, and he didn't proceed to still carry onto the plane a full suitcase, three bags of shopping, two purses and a Buick. Something was up indeed. And for once it wasn't the raccoon entail soup I can't seem to remember that I do not enjoy eating. 

Yep, it had happened, there was a weird force of a man on my flight, the kind of man you hear about but never dream you'll share a flight with, a man as rare as Sasquatch taking a bath, that filthy animal (Fun fact: Sasquatch's long held fear of bathes is where the term 'you filthy animal' originated), the type of man who you would totally live tweet about, if the promised Wi-Fi actually worked, because this is the type of man so rare on a plane that EVERYONE would want to read about it - yep, I got to share a flight with another human being who was NOT an epic selfish cunt.

Now calm down...

- 'That's not a real thing'

- 'Your a lying filthy animal'

- 'I've flown before, EVERYONE, is a total selfish cunt, and I like to complain about it and yet still be really selfish and cunt like myself'

- 'Yeah, ok, so he was just a demanding prick then?'

I hear you all screaming. 

Well in response...

- It is real. 

- Nice try on using that fun fact but 'your a lying filthy animal' is not the same as 'you filthy animal' (fun fact: 'your a lying filthy animal' originated after it was discovered that Sasquatch is scared of using the correct simple contraction of 'you' and 'are') But it does exist I tell you. 

- You don't get to complain AND be a total selfish cunt, just treat other people like you'd like to be treated you dicks.

- No.

Get this - he didn't even attempt to board till his row was called, he only...  wait no, I'm not going to go ahead and list all the things that make being a decent fellow traveller entail, you know that, unless you're not lucky enough to fly places like I am, sorry I didn't mean to boast, plus 'entail' that's right it's Raccoon 'Entrail' soup  I like, not Raccoon Entail, no wonder my lunch hasn't been staying down. I might stop eating Raccoon soup all together till I can learn to pronounce simple middle of word Rs. 

 

Today was the best day of my life, because I got to fly from LA to Chicago with another decent human being. Although to be honest I made him up, and I'm a little disappointed in myself that even in my imaginary world I made him a him, but I can't be bothered to go back and change his sex now. Plus, when they announced four times that they won't be allowing extra carry on baggage, why the hell did the woman with a full suitcase, three shopping bags and two purses get let on instead of crucified against the wall as a warning to other potential cunts? 

Women! Am I right? (Fun fact: 'Sasquatch's long held fear of pronouncing 'women!' and then people not agreeing that he's correct about things right after pointing this out, is where the phrase 'Women! Am I right?' Originated). 

Great phrase originator that Sasquatch, bit of a sexist. 

Square on dispirit

Delta spirit trash can! 

Now that I've got that off my chest it's time for us to talk about your current strong sense of dispiritness angled firmly towards the sea urchin. 

Yes I know it's not angled directly towards the sea urchin, but it's close enough and I think we can stop this before its angled square on towards the sea urchin, which could be very bad, very bad indeed! Well not in any tangible way, but still, square on sounds bad. 

So here's what I'm going to offer you in return for your promise to lay off the urchins: 

- My thanks on behalf of the Sea Urchins. 

- A card entitling you to a silent declaration of sea urchin disappointment, that you can use at anytime no questions asked.

- A slice of ham.

- A Boyz To Men tape. 

- The Sea Urchins thanks on behalf of me. 

- $3.27 in small change (please note: if some of this turns out to be rusty then it is STILL legal tender, and it's not my fault if your local store won't accept it). 

- A kids toy that's both fun and educational (please note: how much your educationated by this toy will be at least in part dictated by how much you currently know). 

- A block of cheese, a SQUARE block! So that should satisfy any 'square' lust. 

- If you dye your hair a drastic color and then your roots grow out, and that contrast turns out to not be a good look for you, I'll give you at least a week to fix it before we mock you. 

- A full three weeks to pay back that $3.27 I lent you, before I start charging interest, which will only be a daily minimum of $5 so nothing to worry about. 

So lay off the friggin urchins you pricks. Dispirited feelings can be very dispiriting! Please note: if I miscalculated your feelings of dispirit towards sea urchins at any point in this blog them I am sorry, but if you didn't have any dispirit for me to bribe away please consider this list of generosity to unavailable to you. Oh and...

Alpha soul garbage heap! 

It Was A Magic Plastic Grocery Bag

It was a magic cheap plastic grocery bag. Fucking magic I tell you. 

'In what way was it magic'? I hear you ask. 

Well patience please you fucks, that's what I was about to explain. But also thank you, because of you jumping all over me just there, showing a complete lack of faith in my well known decree to never ever mention a magic plastic bag with no intention of telling you in what way it was magic, that's not who I am man, but you have inadvertently highlighted to me that yes it 'was' a magic plastic bag, but it also 'IS', cause this bag is so magic that no one has even chucked it out. And cheap plastic grocery bags get chucked out all the fucking time. 

'How the fuck was it magic?' I hear you ask. Well calm the fuck down. 

It's size was .... Regular. 

It's color was ....       Regular! 

It's shape was ......           REGULAR!

Well that's magic right there. Consistency is tough. Try being consistent on the golf course for example. It's difficult. 

'That's hardly fucking magic?' I hear you exclaiming. Well just to be consistent in these responses - shit the fuck up. (I meant to say 'shut' but spelled it wrong and now 'shit the fuck up is my new favorite term).

- Groceries sat in it with a delicate elegance that made even microwave Mac n Cheese feel important. 

- Its holes would let leafy stems of vegetables poke free, but yet never escape onto the filthy supermarket car park floor (occasionally filthy home kitchen floors).

- When bums concealed their booze in it to drink at bus stops, they rarely pissed their pants, and only occasionally told old ladies that they had a giraffe climbing out of their ear.

- It once held a wet t-shirt from the beach in the trunk of a car for six weeks and when it was discovered it didn't smell like a wet dead dog! (Only a wet maimed dog).

- Matt Damon's character in Goodwill Hunting was based on its theory that using grocery bags for garbage bags takes scientific knowledge of a variety of sizes of typical kitchen garbage cans.

- It supported an expanding exploration of space experience.

- Oh and it WAS the plastic bag in American Beauty. It got picked after a exhaustive auditioning process. I mean you try and find a plastic bag that can dance in the wind on demand! 

Yes, and I know, I have being using past tense. For you see it's retired now. To the rock n roll hall of fame. Well to be completely accurate it's knotted up inside a dead rock stars colon, after he ate it, knowing that every food item it had carried had been delicious, and he's being kept frozen in the hall's basement, in hope doctors may one day find a cure to having six completely melted vital internal organs, after he drank a bottle of drain fluid, knowing that every toilet it had gone done now flushed deliciously, they're hoping if he can come back alive he'll one day explain how he made G chords on the guitar sound so damn G. 

But I choose to not care if that wonderful G is ever heard again, no I have more romantic thoughts, the kind of romance that only exists when magic is present, yep instead just once more I'd like to get drunk at a bus stop without a goddman giraffe climbing out my ear! 

Why A Toothbrush Could Be Your New Best Friend

I know what you're thinking - your current best friend sucks. They're flakey, unreliable, sometimes say racist jokes in private that you laugh at, at the time, but you are a tad concerned that there is some truth behind what on the surface is merely enjoying the fact that with close friends you can be taboo just to be taboo, they don't like playing board games with you, board games like 'Taboo', and sometimes they're even undependable. 

Well I'm here to tell you that they don't need to be your best friend anymore, and your new best friend may be closer than you think! Please consider all these reasons why a toothbrush could be your new best friend: 

- Out of guilt you'll stop eating so much popcorn covered in overcooked chewy beef. 

- It'll never call you late at night to complain about its mother. 

- They come in a variety of colors. 

- Need to 'brush' up on your French? It won't help but it will help others deal with your frog breath.

- Not only are they not flakey but they can aid in the removal of flakes. 

- They PREFER if you've never won a plaque.

- They don't judge you if you sometimes have thoughts about how monkey sweat probably will ultimately never replace breakfast cereal as the preferred breakfast of 47.8% of western diners.

- Someone calling you 'soft'? Now you can say 'it's only cause I'm copying my best friend'. 

- Same thing if people have been cruelly calling you 'medium'. 

- They rarely breathe fire in your face. 

- It'll come in handy if you're ever in prison and forced to clean the mess hall with a toothbrush. 

- They're slightly better than a toilet brush! Well at least in three ways. 

1. Rarely in the toilet. 

2. Regularly in your mouth. 

3. Way better conversationalist. 

- And finally, obvious one, but still - their racist jokes will be so damn funny it'll be impossible NOT to forgive any underlying true feelings. 

So why not give your current best friend a call right now and tell them they suck balls, and are racist pieces of shit, then go tell your toothbrush 'you're not going in my mouth tonight, instead let's go play an exciting game of taboo'.

Things I'd rather do than other things

Today is the best day of my life people, and I'll tell you why - there are certain things in life... in fact, just to detour slightly, I think life is MOSLTY made up of things, sometimes people even say things like 'if it's not one thing it's another' which just proves my theory, that just about anything that is something to you is a thing and together those things make up EVERYTHING. There really should be a word that encapsulates all that. 

Which brings me to a new theory - there are certain things in life where the thing you want isn't one of the things that are available to you, and the things that are available are not necessarily the things that would be your first choice of things, which means sometimes you just have to play:

THINGS I'D RATHER DO THAN OTHER THINGS!

- I'd rather pretend to be a bulldog that's uncontrollably incensed in its anger, so much so that it's barking is out of control, it's teeth exposed, it's rabidness so intense that observers are sure it's been possessed by the devil all overflowing with a twenty hour growling tirade towards Mt Fuji... Than eat Mt Fuji. 

- I'd rather go into major debt, including selling my beloved rare

Oatmeal Cookie recipe collection, and sinking it all into opening a store that is dedicated, and steadfastly stubborn it it's unwavering commitment to selling nothing but pure, unsullied, direct from the factory dolls of the third lead character of the barely seen pilot for the ill-thought-out or researched cartoon from the nineteen eighties based on the board game 'Mouse Hunt', leading to having to deal with endless questions, including but not limited to - 'why'd you open this store', 'did this show even really exist?' and 'do you ever get in any Star Wars figures?' .... Than eat an Oatmeal Cookie.  

- I'd rather go to Saturn... Than eat Jupiter. 

Yep, sometimes in life there are things we'd like to do, but those things aren't available to us, and of the things that are available to us, sometimes we have to decide upon a thing that may not be appealing, but is at least better than one other thing. That's when we play: 

THINGS I'D RATHER DO THAN OTHER THINGS! 

I recommend playing yourself at home, unless there is a thing you'd RATHER do, in which case, congratulations - you've already played!