So I was in a bar the other night, and this guy is hitting on these girls near me and I guess he was getting shot down or whatever because suddenly he gets all upset and he's yelling at these girls, and they say some shit back, and then all shit breaks lose and this guy just loses it, and he grabs this girl by the neck and is screaming at her "how do you like me now you fucking bitch" and he starts grabbing her tits, and grabbing at her crotch and she is screaming in distress and eventually I think, "I can't handle this anymore, I have to act"
So I march right up to them and I say "hey you two, keep it down, I AM TRYING TO HEAR THE MUSIC, YOU FUCKS!!!"
I mean my god, some people are just so freaking inconsiderate and don't think of anyone but themselves, shit heads.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Why don't you just bite me (is a slightly relevant saying)
It turns out that if you always keep your mouth shut you’re MORE likely to be bitten by a spider, (that is if you let one live in your mouth).
So maybe it’s ok to speak your mind once in a while, you know, to save yourself getting bitten by the spider.
Ok, so the fact that you have chosen to allow this spider to live in your mouth makes me think that when your speaking your mind there is a good chance that what you have to say (that is the things that come out of your mind) may not be the kinds of things which people would say ‘wow, that’s profound, I never thought of it that way’ but then again, are you willing to be bitten by a spider just because people don’t find you profound? That seems excessive to me.
To be quite honest what you have to say might end up confusing, and dare I say it even ‘weirding’ a few people out, these will be the words of a man who allows spiders to live in his mouth after all, but my god man, you’ve got a goddamn spider in your mouth, I can’t possible point out just how crucial it is for you to open your mouth at least occasionally.
Are you ever like ‘ah yeah’ and then your like ‘hell yeah’ but then it turns out you’ve just been tricked and that? Fucking tricksters, I fucking hate those guys, they're just real hardcore fucking assholes.
So maybe it’s ok to speak your mind once in a while, you know, to save yourself getting bitten by the spider.
Ok, so the fact that you have chosen to allow this spider to live in your mouth makes me think that when your speaking your mind there is a good chance that what you have to say (that is the things that come out of your mind) may not be the kinds of things which people would say ‘wow, that’s profound, I never thought of it that way’ but then again, are you willing to be bitten by a spider just because people don’t find you profound? That seems excessive to me.
To be quite honest what you have to say might end up confusing, and dare I say it even ‘weirding’ a few people out, these will be the words of a man who allows spiders to live in his mouth after all, but my god man, you’ve got a goddamn spider in your mouth, I can’t possible point out just how crucial it is for you to open your mouth at least occasionally.
Are you ever like ‘ah yeah’ and then your like ‘hell yeah’ but then it turns out you’ve just been tricked and that? Fucking tricksters, I fucking hate those guys, they're just real hardcore fucking assholes.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Big News (is the name of this project)
I'm involved in a new project by former SNL/Drew Carey Show/Sesame St/lots of other awesome stuff I'd like to have done writer Michael McCarthy called 'Big News' home to daily comedy sketches based on that days news.
Check out my huge debut (bonus points if you manage to blink and miss me)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v4G4PZytfIw
Check out my huge debut (bonus points if you manage to blink and miss me)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v4G4PZytfIw
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Not so cool after all you shit
When I was younger adults always used to tell us “you are what you eat”. I wanted to be cooler, so I one day I tracked down the most popular kid in my school and watched what he ate. More peanuts than I was expecting!
So then I followed him after school too, and that’s when I stabbed him and ate him. I never did turn into him though. Turns out that 'are what you eat is a load of shit'. In the end I was glad, because the next day when I was shitting him out he suddenly didn’t seem to so cool. Its hard to look cool when you’ve been mashed into a brown log with a bit of peanut lodged into your head.
So then I followed him after school too, and that’s when I stabbed him and ate him. I never did turn into him though. Turns out that 'are what you eat is a load of shit'. In the end I was glad, because the next day when I was shitting him out he suddenly didn’t seem to so cool. Its hard to look cool when you’ve been mashed into a brown log with a bit of peanut lodged into your head.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
And now a message from inside my pants
I went to the shops to meet my dad this week, where bought me underpants for my 33rd birthday! I don’t know how the hell I reached this point in life. My dad and I have the perfect guy relationship, we talk sports, and personal stuff is never ever, ever mentioned fucking ever! Now we have a tradition where he buys me underpants.
I hate the word underpants, we call them undies in Aussie which is a little bit better, it just sounds too fucking childish to me.I'd prefer to call them 'cock warmers, fart keeperinerers, sort of, at least keep the skid marks off your pants dealies'
'Victorias secret, now stocking a full mens range of cock warmers, fart keeperinerers, sort of, at least keep the skid marks off your pants dealies, mmm sexy'
I wear the little shorts ones now, it took me like twenty nine years to find those, the rest of the time I wore uncomfortable shit. The little ones which dig in, and boxer shorts which leave you to flap.
By the way, I used to think that the fact I flapped too much but that this didn’t bother others was a sign I might be you know bigger than the ruler suggested.
You know what else, you know people cross their legs, and girls go tight, guys go either like horizontal and loose, or tight like girls. That used to make my balls hurt, so I assumed guys who did that tight way were small in the junk, but now I do it sometimes! Does that mean my balls have shrunk?
When I was young, and hoping puberty would hit me one of these days, I started getting underpants which had pictures of a guys bulge on the cover, something I have never fucking understood, why on earth marketers think guys want to buy underpants with pictures of naked body building, socks in underpants, on their underpants packaging, but anyway I was now getting underpants with a picture of a guy who clearly new first hand what a pube looked like, unlike me. The thing is I used to think that this picture was evidence that I could use to prove to my friends I had a teenage rather than prepubescent cock, should I need to prove it to them, and they be stupid enough (and gay enough) to want evidence but not just tackle me to the ground and pull my pants down in a act of humiliating sexual assault. Here friends, THIS is a picture of the guy who models my underpants!!! Take that you doubting fooools.
Ahh penis, will you and I ever be friends?
By the way, I really god damn wish I knew what I did while I sleep. On this lovely morn I wake to huge back and buttock bruises, what the fuck, was I a rock star last night who took a leap into the drums, cause I don't remember that.
I’m off to LA tonight, see you all in like a day or so!!
I hate the word underpants, we call them undies in Aussie which is a little bit better, it just sounds too fucking childish to me.I'd prefer to call them 'cock warmers, fart keeperinerers, sort of, at least keep the skid marks off your pants dealies'
'Victorias secret, now stocking a full mens range of cock warmers, fart keeperinerers, sort of, at least keep the skid marks off your pants dealies, mmm sexy'
I wear the little shorts ones now, it took me like twenty nine years to find those, the rest of the time I wore uncomfortable shit. The little ones which dig in, and boxer shorts which leave you to flap.
By the way, I used to think that the fact I flapped too much but that this didn’t bother others was a sign I might be you know bigger than the ruler suggested.
You know what else, you know people cross their legs, and girls go tight, guys go either like horizontal and loose, or tight like girls. That used to make my balls hurt, so I assumed guys who did that tight way were small in the junk, but now I do it sometimes! Does that mean my balls have shrunk?
When I was young, and hoping puberty would hit me one of these days, I started getting underpants which had pictures of a guys bulge on the cover, something I have never fucking understood, why on earth marketers think guys want to buy underpants with pictures of naked body building, socks in underpants, on their underpants packaging, but anyway I was now getting underpants with a picture of a guy who clearly new first hand what a pube looked like, unlike me. The thing is I used to think that this picture was evidence that I could use to prove to my friends I had a teenage rather than prepubescent cock, should I need to prove it to them, and they be stupid enough (and gay enough) to want evidence but not just tackle me to the ground and pull my pants down in a act of humiliating sexual assault. Here friends, THIS is a picture of the guy who models my underpants!!! Take that you doubting fooools.
Ahh penis, will you and I ever be friends?
By the way, I really god damn wish I knew what I did while I sleep. On this lovely morn I wake to huge back and buttock bruises, what the fuck, was I a rock star last night who took a leap into the drums, cause I don't remember that.
I’m off to LA tonight, see you all in like a day or so!!
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Hard core accounts management (and anal sex)
When I was an accounts officer for a while back in the shitty days, I was the back up head of the department, and for a while I was in charge of double checking my co-workers work and fixing any errors they had made.
This one day an asshole cunt of an old timer who refused to use email, had requested a stop payment by phone. I saw it not done so did it, as was my job. And then all hell broke loose!
The girl whose main job was to make these payments, an impossibly gorgeous blonde, with cute dimples and a body which if cast into a toy would, like barbie, start controversy over the unrealistic element of female bodies in toy form, with an ass so perfect she literally individually made me obsessed with anal sex, was SLAUGHTERED by this guy for having made the payment, even after she was asked not to. He screamed at her so bad the building shook and three desks were covered in his spit.
The thing was it was me who had made the payment. She had missed one, my job was to check that no broker had made an email request to have this stopped, and so as was my job I paid it. However, even though it was actually me, and I was in the right, as he had refused to follow protocol designed to stop these fuck ups, I stood and watched him tear this girl a new wrist (leave her asshole alone, that’s mine (I wish)).
Within moments a boss of a high enough standing called the two of them into his office, and my immediate boss, and I sat in my desk immediately recognising I had just missed an opportunity to be a hero to the staff, to demonstrate some leadership, to stand up for what was right, to knock a bully down to size with some stone cold truth that it was inability to stay up with the times and follow simple protocol but most importantly get a better shot at getting into this girls ass.
Since then I have looked back on this moment as a turning point, well maybe a defining point, which would ultimately change me. If I wanted to fuck girls in the ass I would have to stand up for myself occasionally!
I should have told this stubborn old man that he was a useless and as intelligent as fungi growing on a dead cows ass bones. And he had no right to yell at someone else for his own deeply entrenched stupidity, and then said ‘now hey baby, want me to go bend you over the copy machine!
Even if the girl did turn out to be coke snorting whore who was fucking various guys in the office for cocaine and other reasons, and who didn’t quit but just stopped coming into work one day and then wouldn’t answer her phone, so I had to do all her fucking work until we got a chance to find out for sure that she hadn’t been murdered and was just being a selfish bitch, and then I had to go through the process of hiring someone new, who I had to train, which was all fucked (plus my boss and I were given specific ‘advice’ from management that we weren’t allowed to hire a pretty girl, as apparently we’d hired three pretty girls in a row and we might be called sexists, but I wasn’t involved in those hirings, this was my first one, and I wanted to hand pick someone who was qualified but would ultimately not be able to keep herself from sleeping with me).
It tool a while for me to make the change into the weird, yet confident artist I am, but I still wish I could go back and re-live that moment, I mean seriously, that girls ass was amazing.
Thus we come to the first time I actually did get to make love to a girl’s ass. I was in the middle of a sex drought so bad I was in physical pain, which caused me to call up a girl I had dated briefly who I had broken up with resulting in her sending me a text message every five minutes for 4 days calling me a cunt, and I was having sex with her (she said even though I was a massive asshole I was the best sex she’d ever had so she was happy to go for another run – hell yeah) so we did it. And then she was asking me about ‘losing my virginity 52 times’ and this lead her to say ‘have you ever fucked a girl in the ass?’
Twenty minutes later I had and it was fucking awesome - for both of us - even though I never got in there again she later admitted to me that this had become a regular and important part of her sex life, and then she married a guy who was like ten years younger than her, like her 28 to his 18 or something, I can’t really remember, but it was clearly a massive mistake. Here is the thing though; as we were doing it (it = the anal) ‘Relax’ by Frankie goes to Hollywood came on radio!
The lessons
One – omens which suggest that you will get lots of anal in your life are false (I have got no more, fuck you world, and Frankie)
Two – Standing up for yourself (or giving a girl cocaine) is a much better way to get into a girls ass than sitting silent like a fucking pussy while someone unfairly screams at her.
Three – Writing a book called ‘losing my virginity 52 times’ can inspire people to offer you first time experiences (but only once – fuck you world)
This one day an asshole cunt of an old timer who refused to use email, had requested a stop payment by phone. I saw it not done so did it, as was my job. And then all hell broke loose!
The girl whose main job was to make these payments, an impossibly gorgeous blonde, with cute dimples and a body which if cast into a toy would, like barbie, start controversy over the unrealistic element of female bodies in toy form, with an ass so perfect she literally individually made me obsessed with anal sex, was SLAUGHTERED by this guy for having made the payment, even after she was asked not to. He screamed at her so bad the building shook and three desks were covered in his spit.
The thing was it was me who had made the payment. She had missed one, my job was to check that no broker had made an email request to have this stopped, and so as was my job I paid it. However, even though it was actually me, and I was in the right, as he had refused to follow protocol designed to stop these fuck ups, I stood and watched him tear this girl a new wrist (leave her asshole alone, that’s mine (I wish)).
Within moments a boss of a high enough standing called the two of them into his office, and my immediate boss, and I sat in my desk immediately recognising I had just missed an opportunity to be a hero to the staff, to demonstrate some leadership, to stand up for what was right, to knock a bully down to size with some stone cold truth that it was inability to stay up with the times and follow simple protocol but most importantly get a better shot at getting into this girls ass.
Since then I have looked back on this moment as a turning point, well maybe a defining point, which would ultimately change me. If I wanted to fuck girls in the ass I would have to stand up for myself occasionally!
I should have told this stubborn old man that he was a useless and as intelligent as fungi growing on a dead cows ass bones. And he had no right to yell at someone else for his own deeply entrenched stupidity, and then said ‘now hey baby, want me to go bend you over the copy machine!
Even if the girl did turn out to be coke snorting whore who was fucking various guys in the office for cocaine and other reasons, and who didn’t quit but just stopped coming into work one day and then wouldn’t answer her phone, so I had to do all her fucking work until we got a chance to find out for sure that she hadn’t been murdered and was just being a selfish bitch, and then I had to go through the process of hiring someone new, who I had to train, which was all fucked (plus my boss and I were given specific ‘advice’ from management that we weren’t allowed to hire a pretty girl, as apparently we’d hired three pretty girls in a row and we might be called sexists, but I wasn’t involved in those hirings, this was my first one, and I wanted to hand pick someone who was qualified but would ultimately not be able to keep herself from sleeping with me).
It tool a while for me to make the change into the weird, yet confident artist I am, but I still wish I could go back and re-live that moment, I mean seriously, that girls ass was amazing.
Thus we come to the first time I actually did get to make love to a girl’s ass. I was in the middle of a sex drought so bad I was in physical pain, which caused me to call up a girl I had dated briefly who I had broken up with resulting in her sending me a text message every five minutes for 4 days calling me a cunt, and I was having sex with her (she said even though I was a massive asshole I was the best sex she’d ever had so she was happy to go for another run – hell yeah) so we did it. And then she was asking me about ‘losing my virginity 52 times’ and this lead her to say ‘have you ever fucked a girl in the ass?’
Twenty minutes later I had and it was fucking awesome - for both of us - even though I never got in there again she later admitted to me that this had become a regular and important part of her sex life, and then she married a guy who was like ten years younger than her, like her 28 to his 18 or something, I can’t really remember, but it was clearly a massive mistake. Here is the thing though; as we were doing it (it = the anal) ‘Relax’ by Frankie goes to Hollywood came on radio!
The lessons
One – omens which suggest that you will get lots of anal in your life are false (I have got no more, fuck you world, and Frankie)
Two – Standing up for yourself (or giving a girl cocaine) is a much better way to get into a girls ass than sitting silent like a fucking pussy while someone unfairly screams at her.
Three – Writing a book called ‘losing my virginity 52 times’ can inspire people to offer you first time experiences (but only once – fuck you world)
Thursday, January 21, 2010
It's back baby
My internet has been down for a couple of days, grrrrrr, but now its back baby, and I can respond to all my lovely comments.
Hey get this one, what do you call it when your internet down? Annoying! (not so much a joke as a statement of truth born out of frustration and put into a question and answer type dealy)
By the way, fuck you NBC. First you take away my beloved Conan's show, now your sending repeats back to Australia denying me his last couple of days of hilariously ripping you a new asshole.
By the way, when you go to a restaurant they always assume you are there for a party. Smith party of four! Which makes sense because when I want to really party hard I always call up a friend and say “dude, wanna go to Ihop”
Speaking of parties, when I blow my nose I always look into the tissue to see how much snot and what colour it is. When I scratch my balls I always sniff my fingers after to see how they smell. When I take of a condom I’ve just blown a load in I always hold it up to see how much I’ve filled it up, and I squeeze it to see how thick it is, but if I get a pimple I never squeeze it, because pimple puss is fucking gross.
Hey get this one, what do you call it when your internet down? Annoying! (not so much a joke as a statement of truth born out of frustration and put into a question and answer type dealy)
By the way, fuck you NBC. First you take away my beloved Conan's show, now your sending repeats back to Australia denying me his last couple of days of hilariously ripping you a new asshole.
By the way, when you go to a restaurant they always assume you are there for a party. Smith party of four! Which makes sense because when I want to really party hard I always call up a friend and say “dude, wanna go to Ihop”
Speaking of parties, when I blow my nose I always look into the tissue to see how much snot and what colour it is. When I scratch my balls I always sniff my fingers after to see how they smell. When I take of a condom I’ve just blown a load in I always hold it up to see how much I’ve filled it up, and I squeeze it to see how thick it is, but if I get a pimple I never squeeze it, because pimple puss is fucking gross.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Ok, I’m officially scared
I’ve started sleep walking again.
It’s been a while. Back when I had a real job I would unplug and sometimes hide my alarm while I was asleep so I wouldn’t have to get up and go to work. In the end I had to set about ten alarms and sticky tape down the alarm on button so it would be harder to turn off while asleep.
Sometimes I would have conversations with people that I remembered as dreams. I would say weird stuff. I have one horribly terrifying memory that I once went into my mother’s room and asked if I could get in bed with her, and asked her some questions about sex, and even though she never said anything, and I only remembered it as a dream, I kind of thought I may have been sleep walking, I still fucking hope that was just a dream (but do you remember just a dream for twenty years?)
Apparently some times I just talk gibberish while asleep. I’ve been known to write a little, to paint a little, and I am sure lots of times I have just done nothing much so not even known that I sleep walked (slept walked?)
So last night while asleep I got up, came out into my living room, got on the computer where I proceeded to responded to a couple of people on here, and then re-tweeted two random tweets I had tweeted months ago, I even recycled one of my poor cheese tweets (plus when twitter became big I fucking hated it, and I still kind of hate myself for falling on the band wagon, although thinking of tweets has inspired some of my favourite jokes I’ve written, so blah, you know?) I have no idea what I could possibly have been dreaming about which would have inspired me to do what I did last night though. I woke up with no memory of my dreams at all, which is not my usual way.
Here is the thing though, nine nights out of ten I can fly in my dreams, but I always have some sort of troubles with it, so it’s always immensely frustrating, and while I am here in ....Australia.... I am living fifteen floors up, and I am terrified of taking a frustrating sleep walking fly off my balcony. Ever since I bought this place I have been worried I might do it. I have made a point to tell many people that if I get found one morning in a dead pile on the street in front of the building then it was NOT suicide. I have either been murdered or thought I could fly in a dream and tried to sleep walk across Sydney Harbour. Even if you read the book I wrote with a lead character who wants to commit suicide, that doesn’t mean me. Even though I was actually borderline suicidal for much of my teens and early twenties (possibly getting into bed with your mom can do that to you) I am definitely NOT anymore. (I’ll probably write a lot more about this stuff one day, to be completely honest I have blocked out most of the memories from this time of my life and I am both extremely curious to unlock those memories and frightened to unlock them. Is it wrong that I kind of want to get therapy to unlock these memories mostly in the hope I can turn them into stories for my books or stand up?) Anyway, I have long feared accidently jumping off the balcony, but up until now I haven’t caught myself sleep walking since I have been in this place (I took two sleeping pills last night, just over the counter stuff, but I WONT be pulling them out again for a while).
I didn’t mean for this blog to get into this serious stuff, and I hope to not continue to sleep walking, but if I do here are -
Things I hope to do while sleep walking
Finally figure out how to get back into America (where I only have a one story frustrating sleep walk off the balcony
Go to the gym (and tape myself doing it so I know for sure I went – also eat something healthy just for the hell of it)
Cure AIDs (you know, cause people would kind of like that I think)
Shit on a pigeon (for good luck)
Formerly change the name of ‘Coca-cola’ to ‘Coke’ (It’s about time, am I right?)
Vomit on my balcony (because I like watching the birds eat it plus you know, I might slip on it bang my head and wake up so I don’t jump off the balcony)
Invent a magical tile configuration (that you can just look at and everything is awesomeousness)
Anyone else got some funny sleep walking stories?
It’s been a while. Back when I had a real job I would unplug and sometimes hide my alarm while I was asleep so I wouldn’t have to get up and go to work. In the end I had to set about ten alarms and sticky tape down the alarm on button so it would be harder to turn off while asleep.
Sometimes I would have conversations with people that I remembered as dreams. I would say weird stuff. I have one horribly terrifying memory that I once went into my mother’s room and asked if I could get in bed with her, and asked her some questions about sex, and even though she never said anything, and I only remembered it as a dream, I kind of thought I may have been sleep walking, I still fucking hope that was just a dream (but do you remember just a dream for twenty years?)
Apparently some times I just talk gibberish while asleep. I’ve been known to write a little, to paint a little, and I am sure lots of times I have just done nothing much so not even known that I sleep walked (slept walked?)
So last night while asleep I got up, came out into my living room, got on the computer where I proceeded to responded to a couple of people on here, and then re-tweeted two random tweets I had tweeted months ago, I even recycled one of my poor cheese tweets (plus when twitter became big I fucking hated it, and I still kind of hate myself for falling on the band wagon, although thinking of tweets has inspired some of my favourite jokes I’ve written, so blah, you know?) I have no idea what I could possibly have been dreaming about which would have inspired me to do what I did last night though. I woke up with no memory of my dreams at all, which is not my usual way.
Here is the thing though, nine nights out of ten I can fly in my dreams, but I always have some sort of troubles with it, so it’s always immensely frustrating, and while I am here in ....Australia.... I am living fifteen floors up, and I am terrified of taking a frustrating sleep walking fly off my balcony. Ever since I bought this place I have been worried I might do it. I have made a point to tell many people that if I get found one morning in a dead pile on the street in front of the building then it was NOT suicide. I have either been murdered or thought I could fly in a dream and tried to sleep walk across Sydney Harbour. Even if you read the book I wrote with a lead character who wants to commit suicide, that doesn’t mean me. Even though I was actually borderline suicidal for much of my teens and early twenties (possibly getting into bed with your mom can do that to you) I am definitely NOT anymore. (I’ll probably write a lot more about this stuff one day, to be completely honest I have blocked out most of the memories from this time of my life and I am both extremely curious to unlock those memories and frightened to unlock them. Is it wrong that I kind of want to get therapy to unlock these memories mostly in the hope I can turn them into stories for my books or stand up?) Anyway, I have long feared accidently jumping off the balcony, but up until now I haven’t caught myself sleep walking since I have been in this place (I took two sleeping pills last night, just over the counter stuff, but I WONT be pulling them out again for a while).
I didn’t mean for this blog to get into this serious stuff, and I hope to not continue to sleep walking, but if I do here are -
Things I hope to do while sleep walking
Finally figure out how to get back into America (where I only have a one story frustrating sleep walk off the balcony
Go to the gym (and tape myself doing it so I know for sure I went – also eat something healthy just for the hell of it)
Cure AIDs (you know, cause people would kind of like that I think)
Shit on a pigeon (for good luck)
Formerly change the name of ‘Coca-cola’ to ‘Coke’ (It’s about time, am I right?)
Vomit on my balcony (because I like watching the birds eat it plus you know, I might slip on it bang my head and wake up so I don’t jump off the balcony)
Invent a magical tile configuration (that you can just look at and everything is awesomeousness)
Anyone else got some funny sleep walking stories?
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Point your telescopes at the Necessity
Little known fact: The telescope was originally invented for looking at stars!!!!
Then some dude was like 'hey man I can see the stars without this you tool' where upon the telescopes primary use was reverted to trying to spot unsuspecting naked chicks doing their dishes.
So three years ago today, I wiped the shaving cream off my face that was applied via the paint brush of an extremely ugly stripper's bad fake breasts, whom someone hired for my 30th birthday, I grabbed a mate, jumped on a plane to Vegas and embarked on freakin awesome, and huge adventure. It's
The Necessity of Excessively: Turning 30 coast to coast to coast to coast to coast
Find the links to every chapter right here (it is my birthday after all)
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=512119012
Actually Dave, stop being lazy - ok David you pushy mother fucker, I'll re-link them all now
The Necessity of Excessively: Turning 30 coast to coast to coast to coast to coast
By David Tieck
Part 1
Chapter 1
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=485070355
Chapter 2
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=485073196
Chapter 3
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=485220409
Chapter 4
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=485226469
Photos for chapters 1-4
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=485237462
Chapter 5
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=485448475
Chapter 6
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=485661803
The birth of men worrying about penis size discovered
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=485813979
Chapter 7
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=485832563
Chapter 8
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=485971838
Chapter 9
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=486034011
Chapter 10
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=486277958
Photos for chapter 10 - San Francisco
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=486407560
Chapter 11
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=486443852
Chapter 12
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=486596450
Chapter 13
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=486790005
Chapter 14
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=486991114
Chapter 15
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=487199763
Chapter 16
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=487400272
A Grand Canyon Photographic experience
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=487416813
More photos for Necessity Chapter 16
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=487636951
Chapter 17
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=487650123
Dave and Greenie make the paper
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=487709559
Chapter 18
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=487819171
Chapter 19
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=488059853
A photographic Mardi Gras experience
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=488245433
Chapter 20
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=488251008
Chapter 21
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=488454854
Chapter 22
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=488549658
Chapter 23
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=488744434
Chapter 24
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=489024129
Chapter 25
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=489105456
Chapter 26
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=489312989
Chapter 27
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=489456982
Chapter 28
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=489617302
Photos for SXSW Austin
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=489716116
In case you like fire
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=489793004
Chapter 29
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=489829842
Photos for chapter 29
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=489966766
Chapter 30
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=489998636
Part Two
Chapter 1
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=490188214
Photos for chapter 1
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=490268671
Chapter 2
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=490332884
Photos for chapter 2
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=490436893
Chapter 3
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=490509662
Chapter 4
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=490712783
Chapter 5
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=490869258
Chapter 6
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=491062322
Chapter 7
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=491250520
Chapter 8
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=491439580
Chapter 9
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=491621605
Chapter 10
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=491843449
Chapter 11
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=492015667
Chapter 12
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=492274200
Photos for chapter 12
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=492385915
Chapter 13
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=492400802
Chapter 14
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=492595163
Chapter 15
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=492746386
Photos for New York
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=492777344
Arty and B&W Photos for New York
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=492783786
Chapter 16
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=492973934
Chapter 17
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=493239138
Photos for New England
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=493559812
Chapter 18
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=493568389
Photos for New England Pt 2
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=493583206
Chapter 19
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=493710477
Chapter 20
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=493916534
Chapter 21
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=494192856
Chapter 22
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=494353357
Photos for Toronto
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=494360867
Chapter 23
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=494525362
Chapter 24
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=494680015
Chapter 25
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=494889177
Chapter 26
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=494991581
Chapter 27
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=495163703
Chapter 28
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=495430018
Chapter 29
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=495590312
Chapter 30
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=495804938
Then some dude was like 'hey man I can see the stars without this you tool' where upon the telescopes primary use was reverted to trying to spot unsuspecting naked chicks doing their dishes.
So three years ago today, I wiped the shaving cream off my face that was applied via the paint brush of an extremely ugly stripper's bad fake breasts, whom someone hired for my 30th birthday, I grabbed a mate, jumped on a plane to Vegas and embarked on freakin awesome, and huge adventure. It's
The Necessity of Excessively: Turning 30 coast to coast to coast to coast to coast
Find the links to every chapter right here (it is my birthday after all)
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=512119012
Actually Dave, stop being lazy - ok David you pushy mother fucker, I'll re-link them all now
The Necessity of Excessively: Turning 30 coast to coast to coast to coast to coast
By David Tieck
Part 1
Chapter 1
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=485070355
Chapter 2
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=485073196
Chapter 3
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=485220409
Chapter 4
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=485226469
Photos for chapters 1-4
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=485237462
Chapter 5
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=485448475
Chapter 6
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=485661803
The birth of men worrying about penis size discovered
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=485813979
Chapter 7
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=485832563
Chapter 8
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=485971838
Chapter 9
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=486034011
Chapter 10
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=486277958
Photos for chapter 10 - San Francisco
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=486407560
Chapter 11
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=486443852
Chapter 12
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=486596450
Chapter 13
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=486790005
Chapter 14
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=486991114
Chapter 15
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=487199763
Chapter 16
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=487400272
A Grand Canyon Photographic experience
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=487416813
More photos for Necessity Chapter 16
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=487636951
Chapter 17
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=487650123
Dave and Greenie make the paper
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=487709559
Chapter 18
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=487819171
Chapter 19
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=488059853
A photographic Mardi Gras experience
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=488245433
Chapter 20
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=488251008
Chapter 21
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=488454854
Chapter 22
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=488549658
Chapter 23
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=488744434
Chapter 24
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=489024129
Chapter 25
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=489105456
Chapter 26
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=489312989
Chapter 27
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=489456982
Chapter 28
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=489617302
Photos for SXSW Austin
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=489716116
In case you like fire
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=489793004
Chapter 29
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=489829842
Photos for chapter 29
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=489966766
Chapter 30
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=489998636
Part Two
Chapter 1
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=490188214
Photos for chapter 1
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=490268671
Chapter 2
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=490332884
Photos for chapter 2
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=490436893
Chapter 3
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=490509662
Chapter 4
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=490712783
Chapter 5
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=490869258
Chapter 6
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=491062322
Chapter 7
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=491250520
Chapter 8
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=491439580
Chapter 9
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=491621605
Chapter 10
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=491843449
Chapter 11
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=492015667
Chapter 12
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=492274200
Photos for chapter 12
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=492385915
Chapter 13
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=492400802
Chapter 14
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=492595163
Chapter 15
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=492746386
Photos for New York
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=492777344
Arty and B&W Photos for New York
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=492783786
Chapter 16
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=492973934
Chapter 17
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=493239138
Photos for New England
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=493559812
Chapter 18
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=493568389
Photos for New England Pt 2
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=493583206
Chapter 19
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=493710477
Chapter 20
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=493916534
Chapter 21
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=494192856
Chapter 22
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=494353357
Photos for Toronto
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=494360867
Chapter 23
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=494525362
Chapter 24
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=494680015
Chapter 25
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=494889177
Chapter 26
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=494991581
Chapter 27
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=495163703
Chapter 28
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=495430018
Chapter 29
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=495590312
Chapter 30
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=199281420&blogId=495804938
Everyone is talking about talking
I was having a talk with my friend about talking the other day, oh we talked the talk the literal talk that is, the different types of talk - small talk, monologue talk, vagina talk, happy talk, sad talk, gopher talk, pillow talk, chalk talk, sweater vest talk, you know all the popular talks with the youth.
It was only after talking talk for a few hours that we both had the same thought ‘we should talk to some people about doing a tour of talks talking about talking’. After all everyone talks, it’s the best way to you know, tell people stuff and ask them stuff.
The talking about talking tour went great; it was the talk of the town. One headline proclaimed ‘everyone’s talking about talking about talking’ and another proudly stated ‘the talking about talking about talking article about the talking about talking tour has become the most talked about article of the year!’ (admittedly it was the author of the original 'everyone's talking about talking about talking article' who claimed it was the most talked about article of the year, but who were we to complain?
Success was ours. But we grew restless. We had a talk one day and we were like ‘all we’re doing is talking man, and talk is cheap according to an old cliché which is clearly false because people are definitely talking about how the talking about talking ticket prices are far too pricey, you know, just for a couple of dudes talking’.
Don’t get me fucking wrong, people were listening, hell yeah people were listening, no one would have been talking about the talking about talking tour if no one was listening, but still they had a point, we were just a couple of dudes talking.
So we decided to do something about it, and we formed a band. After a long talk we christened the band ‘Fleeting Forever’ and we were sure soon enough people would stop talking about the talking about talking tour and would all be talking about Fleeting Forever.
We wrote this song.
It’s my head
I never asked you to come to me
I don’t even know your name
But when I’m feeling sad and down
You’re always somewhat to blame
Why do you always tell me I’m not good enough?
Why do you always put me down?
Are you trying to be tough?
Does it make you feel good?
To see me here in despair
Why do you spend so much time with me?
When you don’t even seem to care
Stop talking to me
Stop talking to me
Why can’t you leave me alone?
I’m afraid
I guess I’m afraid of myself
The pessimism you plant in me
Is not what I deserve from you
You could help pick me up and make me feel good
But that’s not what you do
You choose to try and influence me
To say and do things I don’t want to do
The risks I take to satisfy you each day
Always leave me in despair
But you still follow me
To here and to there
And its clear that you don’t even care
Stop talking to me
Stop talking to me
Why can’t you leave me alone?
I’m afraid
I guess I’m afraid of myself
I’m afraid of what you’ll do to me
I’m afraid to hear your voice
I guess I’m afraid of myself
And we played it for a few people, and they were like, ‘what the hell is wrong with you, you depressing fucks’. So we had another crack at it, and wrote this thing.
Dirty river bed
I’ve made a big mistake
I didn’t think I was capable of such stupidity
Am I getting too complacent?
Have I been going for too long?
I’ve made a big mistake
If only I could tell
The difference between night and day
Am I getting too privileged?
Have I just been talking so much?
I made a big mistake
And it set me free
For one more day
So what am I going to do?
What sin can I commit to attest?
I don’t want to look in the mirror
I know I’m not looking my best
I may be laughing
But I’m laughing at myself
I’m getting ahead of myself
Showing up at the airport a day early
I’m getting behind myself
What more do I need to confess
Maybe everything is falling apart
Maybe I’m just learning
To look at the mountains reflecting
Rather than the dirty river bed
I’ve made a big mistake
I always thought reliable
Was the best I could achieve?
Am I getting too different?
Am I starting to disappear?
I’ve made a big mistake
If you want it done right
Why don’t you just do it yourself?
Am I getting too much knowledge?
Have I spent too much time in class?
I’ve made a big mistake
It seems I do still have idiocy left in me
I know I’m not the greatest
But that’s no reason to stop trying
I can’t give too much effort
I can’t move too far away
I’m getting ahead of myself
Showing up at the airport a day early
I’m getting behind myself
What more do I need to confess
Maybe everything is falling apart
Maybe I’m just learning
To look at the mountains reflecting
Rather than the dirty river bed
And we played it for a few people, and they’re like ‘seriously what the fuck is wrong with you guys, you depressing mother fuckers, plus that isn’t even structured anything like a song’.
So you know we kind of gave up for a while.
It was only after talking talk for a few hours that we both had the same thought ‘we should talk to some people about doing a tour of talks talking about talking’. After all everyone talks, it’s the best way to you know, tell people stuff and ask them stuff.
The talking about talking tour went great; it was the talk of the town. One headline proclaimed ‘everyone’s talking about talking about talking’ and another proudly stated ‘the talking about talking about talking article about the talking about talking tour has become the most talked about article of the year!’ (admittedly it was the author of the original 'everyone's talking about talking about talking article' who claimed it was the most talked about article of the year, but who were we to complain?
Success was ours. But we grew restless. We had a talk one day and we were like ‘all we’re doing is talking man, and talk is cheap according to an old cliché which is clearly false because people are definitely talking about how the talking about talking ticket prices are far too pricey, you know, just for a couple of dudes talking’.
Don’t get me fucking wrong, people were listening, hell yeah people were listening, no one would have been talking about the talking about talking tour if no one was listening, but still they had a point, we were just a couple of dudes talking.
So we decided to do something about it, and we formed a band. After a long talk we christened the band ‘Fleeting Forever’ and we were sure soon enough people would stop talking about the talking about talking tour and would all be talking about Fleeting Forever.
We wrote this song.
It’s my head
I never asked you to come to me
I don’t even know your name
But when I’m feeling sad and down
You’re always somewhat to blame
Why do you always tell me I’m not good enough?
Why do you always put me down?
Are you trying to be tough?
Does it make you feel good?
To see me here in despair
Why do you spend so much time with me?
When you don’t even seem to care
Stop talking to me
Stop talking to me
Why can’t you leave me alone?
I’m afraid
I guess I’m afraid of myself
The pessimism you plant in me
Is not what I deserve from you
You could help pick me up and make me feel good
But that’s not what you do
You choose to try and influence me
To say and do things I don’t want to do
The risks I take to satisfy you each day
Always leave me in despair
But you still follow me
To here and to there
And its clear that you don’t even care
Stop talking to me
Stop talking to me
Why can’t you leave me alone?
I’m afraid
I guess I’m afraid of myself
I’m afraid of what you’ll do to me
I’m afraid to hear your voice
I guess I’m afraid of myself
And we played it for a few people, and they were like, ‘what the hell is wrong with you, you depressing fucks’. So we had another crack at it, and wrote this thing.
Dirty river bed
I’ve made a big mistake
I didn’t think I was capable of such stupidity
Am I getting too complacent?
Have I been going for too long?
I’ve made a big mistake
If only I could tell
The difference between night and day
Am I getting too privileged?
Have I just been talking so much?
I made a big mistake
And it set me free
For one more day
So what am I going to do?
What sin can I commit to attest?
I don’t want to look in the mirror
I know I’m not looking my best
I may be laughing
But I’m laughing at myself
I’m getting ahead of myself
Showing up at the airport a day early
I’m getting behind myself
What more do I need to confess
Maybe everything is falling apart
Maybe I’m just learning
To look at the mountains reflecting
Rather than the dirty river bed
I’ve made a big mistake
I always thought reliable
Was the best I could achieve?
Am I getting too different?
Am I starting to disappear?
I’ve made a big mistake
If you want it done right
Why don’t you just do it yourself?
Am I getting too much knowledge?
Have I spent too much time in class?
I’ve made a big mistake
It seems I do still have idiocy left in me
I know I’m not the greatest
But that’s no reason to stop trying
I can’t give too much effort
I can’t move too far away
I’m getting ahead of myself
Showing up at the airport a day early
I’m getting behind myself
What more do I need to confess
Maybe everything is falling apart
Maybe I’m just learning
To look at the mountains reflecting
Rather than the dirty river bed
And we played it for a few people, and they’re like ‘seriously what the fuck is wrong with you guys, you depressing mother fuckers, plus that isn’t even structured anything like a song’.
So you know we kind of gave up for a while.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
I blame TPG (because it their fault!)
My internet collapsed on me today while I was live on air with Kismet, so now I bring you
Things to do while your internet is down
- Reacquaint yourself with cavernous frustration
- Remind yourself you can survive without immediate access to porn
- Scratch off the dead skin between your toes
- Watch morning talk show hosts seamlessly segue from light hearted banter about nothing much to deep pain filled reporting on the Haiti tragedy to immediately laughing out loud at the mere thought that after the break they’ll be remembering the funniest movies of the decade
- Press on each of the bruises on your body while trying to figure out just how the fuck you got them all
- Study the brown stains on your pillow while wondering whether you can be assed to put a pillow case on
- Think to yourself ‘kittens don’t have hands they have cute little paws’ then go ‘aaawwwwwww’
- Consider stabbing a random Ford employee in revenge for their horribly annoying German Shepherd commercial
- Try to go back to sleep while clenching all of the muscles in your body cause your internet won’t fucking connect ‘connect god damn it CONNECT!’
- Wonder if anyone has ever said ‘if this boats a rockin then don’t come a knocking’ before remembering ‘ahh waves, maybe that’s why its rockin’
- Put your cell phone in your underpants and hope someone rings
- Smell your cell phone and regret that last one
- Check the current prices for flights to LA, oh that’s right your internet isn’t fucking working
- Speculate why you have barbecue sauce in your bedroom
- Think ‘ahh yeah, I see where your going with that’ but then admit to yourself that your lying
Thanks to those who came along to check it out!
Things to do while your internet is down
- Reacquaint yourself with cavernous frustration
- Remind yourself you can survive without immediate access to porn
- Scratch off the dead skin between your toes
- Watch morning talk show hosts seamlessly segue from light hearted banter about nothing much to deep pain filled reporting on the Haiti tragedy to immediately laughing out loud at the mere thought that after the break they’ll be remembering the funniest movies of the decade
- Press on each of the bruises on your body while trying to figure out just how the fuck you got them all
- Study the brown stains on your pillow while wondering whether you can be assed to put a pillow case on
- Think to yourself ‘kittens don’t have hands they have cute little paws’ then go ‘aaawwwwwww’
- Consider stabbing a random Ford employee in revenge for their horribly annoying German Shepherd commercial
- Try to go back to sleep while clenching all of the muscles in your body cause your internet won’t fucking connect ‘connect god damn it CONNECT!’
- Wonder if anyone has ever said ‘if this boats a rockin then don’t come a knocking’ before remembering ‘ahh waves, maybe that’s why its rockin’
- Put your cell phone in your underpants and hope someone rings
- Smell your cell phone and regret that last one
- Check the current prices for flights to LA, oh that’s right your internet isn’t fucking working
- Speculate why you have barbecue sauce in your bedroom
- Think ‘ahh yeah, I see where your going with that’ but then admit to yourself that your lying
Thanks to those who came along to check it out!
Friday, January 15, 2010
Questions of the morning (even though technically its the afternoon)
Why do people eat vegetables? I tried it two nights ago, and ate a cob of corn, and I swear every god damn kernel just came out in the shit I just took (plus I chew, I swear I do, does corn reform in your ass?)
How does Jay Leno still get great jobs when I can't get shit (even corny shit)?
How on earth do three teenage girls go through about 5 rolls of toilet paper in about eight hours?
Will any of these questions not be at least a little bit about shit?
If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it does Tiger Woods make a point of cheating on his wife with it? (written way more closely to the release of the scandal, but I don't think I released is mediocre hilarity at the time)
How is it possible that three teenage girls staying in my house meant I ended up watching the first third of an awful, awful, awful fucking unbelievably bad, Jesse Metcalf (or whatever his fucking name is) movie and then going to bed relatively early instead of having fun?
Do you like big action films, blood and gore, and death – well have you considered becoming a dental hygienist? Its all the thrills of an action film, gadgets, blood, fear, heroes, villains, so make every day of your life like Die Hard – live exciting, dental hygienist exciting!
I just ate the south beach diet book, so how does this work, the paper rips up the inside of your intestines so you lose intestine weight?
And now for a little known fact: People who like sleeping on a soft mattress are 78% more likely to have one day licked a beehive, mmmm honey.
How does Jay Leno still get great jobs when I can't get shit (even corny shit)?
How on earth do three teenage girls go through about 5 rolls of toilet paper in about eight hours?
Will any of these questions not be at least a little bit about shit?
If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it does Tiger Woods make a point of cheating on his wife with it? (written way more closely to the release of the scandal, but I don't think I released is mediocre hilarity at the time)
How is it possible that three teenage girls staying in my house meant I ended up watching the first third of an awful, awful, awful fucking unbelievably bad, Jesse Metcalf (or whatever his fucking name is) movie and then going to bed relatively early instead of having fun?
Do you like big action films, blood and gore, and death – well have you considered becoming a dental hygienist? Its all the thrills of an action film, gadgets, blood, fear, heroes, villains, so make every day of your life like Die Hard – live exciting, dental hygienist exciting!
I just ate the south beach diet book, so how does this work, the paper rips up the inside of your intestines so you lose intestine weight?
And now for a little known fact: People who like sleeping on a soft mattress are 78% more likely to have one day licked a beehive, mmmm honey.
Now everything is going to be awesomeousness for everyone!
David 'Jetlag' 'Random Impish Rain' 'The bar tailed Godwit' Tieck joins (on a trial basis sort of) Full Circle With Kismet.
(By the way I am currently in bed, drenched in sweat and my computer is making weird bell noises - hell yeah, I guess)
At least one of us on this show invented a new form of non-flammable toilet paper - freeing all fart lighters and spicy food lovers from horribly burned assholes (I hope it was Kismet, because it wasn't me, and I'd hate to be made a liar here).
Listen tomorrow, I'll be on Skype from Sydney Australia on a poor built in computer mike talking in Seattle, and it will be 8am my time, which is about six hours before my usual wake up time, and I will still be drunk from the night before, hell fucking yeah this is going to be something (assuming something may equal good or bad or weird or train-wreck or hell yeah life changing)
Blog talk radio motherfuckers. Were going to change the, you know, time you spend listening to it, because if your listening to it because of this blog, but you wouldn't have been otherwise, then your world has CHANGED. That's a Dave Tieck guarantee!!!!
Anyway listen please.
[Kismet]
(By the way I am currently in bed, drenched in sweat and my computer is making weird bell noises - hell yeah, I guess)
At least one of us on this show invented a new form of non-flammable toilet paper - freeing all fart lighters and spicy food lovers from horribly burned assholes (I hope it was Kismet, because it wasn't me, and I'd hate to be made a liar here).
Listen tomorrow, I'll be on Skype from Sydney Australia on a poor built in computer mike talking in Seattle, and it will be 8am my time, which is about six hours before my usual wake up time, and I will still be drunk from the night before, hell fucking yeah this is going to be something (assuming something may equal good or bad or weird or train-wreck or hell yeah life changing)
Blog talk radio motherfuckers. Were going to change the, you know, time you spend listening to it, because if your listening to it because of this blog, but you wouldn't have been otherwise, then your world has CHANGED. That's a Dave Tieck guarantee!!!!
Anyway listen please.
[Kismet]
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