Now everything is going to be awesomeousness for everyone!

David 'Jetlag' 'Random Impish Rain' 'The bar tailed Godwit' Tieck joins (on a trial basis sort of) Full Circle With Kismet.

(By the way I am currently in bed, drenched in sweat and my computer is making weird bell noises - hell yeah, I guess)

At least one of us on this show invented a new form of non-flammable toilet paper - freeing all fart lighters and spicy food lovers from horribly burned assholes (I hope it was Kismet, because it wasn't me, and I'd hate to be made a liar here).

Listen tomorrow, I'll be on Skype from Sydney Australia on a poor built in computer mike talking in Seattle, and it will be 8am my time, which is about six hours before my usual wake up time, and I will still be drunk from the night before, hell fucking yeah this is going to be something (assuming something may equal good or bad or weird or train-wreck or hell yeah life changing)

Blog talk radio motherfuckers. Were going to change the, you know, time you spend listening to it, because if your listening to it because of this blog, but you wouldn't have been otherwise, then your world has CHANGED. That's a Dave Tieck guarantee!!!!

Anyway listen please.


[Kismet]

Make me such and such!!!!

If Conan goes to fox he'll need a show after him so he can say 'stay tuned for such and such' I say MAKE ME SUCH AND SUCH!

Who's with me?

I'm serious here, its time for an unknown nutball to get a show, so my campaign starts right here (or on that other post I did yesterday to ask for this), and here I am stepping it up, this is serious -

If I get a network talk show, on episode one - I will get a vasectomy ON CAMERA!!!!

Holy ball slice.

Spread the word!!!

So much sex!!!!! Stupid bike.

I have this big pile of books in my room, most of them I've read, but then an offshoot of unread books which I pick at when in need of something to read. Just now I went to do 33 minutes on the bike in my Gym and I didn't have anything to read so I grabbed a book which was a collection of blogs from a girl who described herself as having a one track mind and wanted to write about it for a year.

I bought this a few years ago when I wrote a blog called 'Man in the city' a delightful romp through my own far less than successful sexual experienced.

Fuck me, I just realized I am about to write a blog which is pouring out of my sub-conscience 'you know you haven't been laid in a while' reserves. I used to write these all the time, poorly veiled attempts to get sympathy for not getting laid, with a hope girls want to fuck guys they feel sorry for.

Anyway, point is, I hate these fucking books, because as usual this one went like this 'I don't know whats wrong with me, I went out last night and only seven guys tried to get in my pants, I know I'm a bit fat, but I'm not like ugly ugly, so what's wrong with me?'

Fuck off.

Ok so the idea was to tell you this then randomly select a blog to re-post from the old MATC, so I just went and looked in there and its all cliche bullshit and me whining and depressing shit. Screw that.

Instead check this out:


The thing I like about prostitutes is that most of them are willing to have sex with you if you offer them money. The thing I don’t like about prostitutes is that if you offer these same women the same money to clean your house, few of them will do so – which makes me suspect that some of these whores are kind of slutty, and I don’t like slutty women


Aaaaahhh, thats better.

So I turn 33 on Monday. Fuck me. you only have a birthday with the same two digits every 11 years, feels like that should mean something other than an excuse to feel really old! I am hoping to spend that day on a plane to LA, but not sure otherwise. I feel like I should do something fucked up and crazy, which is usually my forte but I am forming a blank right now, any suggestions.

By the way it turns out that 33 minutes on an exercise bike is stupid.

The late night talk show war SOLUTION

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XSIrnJmKP50

Give me a talk show!!!! Simple. Here is a sample of one of the many show formats I can pitch to them. Can we start a give Dave 'Jetlag' Tieck a show petition, and does anyone know five million people you can get to sign it. I'm happy to go on at 1am too!!!

Tedium and magnesium

No time for comedy today :( :( :( going through the trying to get a US visa process again, its looking good but my god its tedious and painful.

Also I had to go to a meeting at the US consulate at 815am this morning, which for many is probably not that bad, but for me it was the equivalent of maybe 415am for regular souls which means my brain responds by not allowing me any sleep, not even the hint of a wink, I don't think my eyes even closed last night. I'm tired, boo.

Poor me, poor me, poor me (shut the fuck up Dave, its not that bad)

Ok, so in a big case of 'here is some I prepared earlier, here is a couple of random things (jokes) I wrote once:

When I am bored I like to buy a lipstick from a company which promises they don’t test their cosmetics on animals, and then I go ahead and stick it up a bunnies ass, because unlike some of these companies I believe in equality

When I’m bored I like to replace all the blocks of Monterrey jack cheese in my fridge with equal sized blocks of cheddar cheese, just to mess with my roommates minds. Unfortunately though I live alone, so I rarely cause the bewilderment I am seeking, although on a positive note I do really like cheese, and this way I get to eat twice as much

Even Stevens was a fucking liar, I know for a fact he once lost a dollar in a bet over who was the first person to ever arrogantly point out to a stranger in a bar that a peanut is actually a legume not a nut. Even my ass!

The irony of the arms race between Russia and the USA was that arms is actually short for 'armory', not 'Armahugganburnahhangravenium', even though far more people fear 'Armahugganburnahhangravenium' than 'armory', so suck it Gorbatrov

I put the word magnesium in in my title and now I feel an intense pressure to use it in the body of this blog, so here goes, I am going to try and write a joke about magnesium right as I write this, one so good that will blow your freaking minds and I am feeling the pressure now, so much so that this sentence I am writing right now is a clear attempt to stall in the hope that I can think of something funny about magnesium when all my brain is saying to me is 'magnesium almost rhymes with gymnasium, maybe you can do something with that?' (fuck off brain - that is a horrible suggestion). What the fuck is magnesium anyway? A metal? A chemical? Something on that periodic table thing? And why the fuck did it have to rhyme with tedium? And why is rhyming so on my mind right now? Fuck me, I'm hitting the dictionary, where all good joke writers go for material. (hell yeah, not - oh shit, Wayne's World bits Dave? You really are tired?)

Magnesium = a silver-white malleable ductile light metallic element that occurs abundantly in nature and is used in metallurgical and chemical processes, in photography, signaling, and pyrotechnics because of the intense white light it produces on burning, and in construction especially in the form of light alloys

Ok here goes, as I must go, so I need to write something here, ready, one - two - three

Do you ever find yourself trying to set off a pyrotechnical display to impress your lover, only to find out she is NOT turned on by intense white burning light coming out of your penis hole right at the moment of penetration? This is scientific proof that tedium can't be solved with magnesium!!!!!

Oh fuck hell yeah.

Possibly disgusting lessons I just learned

1. If you come home literally clenching your butt cheeks so hard that your butt is sweating profusely to hold what is a long time coming poo from exciting your rectum only to discover there is no toilet paper in the house, it fucking sucks
2. I just farted badly in the elevator then a couple got on the next floor and were both convinced that Domino's pizza had just delivered - therefore either dominos fucking sucks in Australia or my farts are freaking awesome
3. Whoever is responsible for changing the toilet paper in the toilet in my buildings gym is doing a fucking awful job
4. If you decide to use an old loaf of white bread as a toilet paper substitute then leaving the remains next to a jar of nutulla is a cruel joke to play on any chocolate hazelnut spread lovers in your house (I didn't actually do this, I did think about it, but went with a newspaper instead)
5. Newspaper does not flush well
6. Having a shower to make up for the shitty wipe (ha ha pun) you just had is not news your roommates wish to hear

Is everyone else having an awesomousness weekend?

Proof cave men were geniuses; this blog has lots of sex

Just about every animal on earth fucks the same way, doggy style, so why the fuck is this called ‘doggy’ style? Didn’t some cave men watch sabre tooth tigers fuck and say lets try it ‘sabre’ style.

No they didn’t, because the cave men had the forethought to think that one day humans will choose to keep slobbery hairy animals in our homes, and let them poo in our back yards, and we’d like to think about them while doing it from behind, after all it is the position with the least face to face, the dude can look at the dog, and the girl can look at the sheets and get turned on by her decorating skills!! Cave men = Geniuses = proven!!!

Plus doing it doggy style, if the girl doesn’t want your cum on her back to clean up, simply spray all over the floor and the dog will lick it up. You ain’t going to get no Woolly Mammoth to lick your cum off your floor, no matter how much they like doing each other from behind.

Plus lesbians have the scissor position, because of course you want to think about sharp cutting metal while rubbing your genitals together!

Also the BC people were geniuses, they didn’t just know Jesus was coming, they new when! Or how else did they know to count the years backwards? “oh shit, its 0001 BC, we better get our fucking, stealing and murdering out of the way, Jesus is coming in a year and I have a feeling he is going to ruin it all!” Thus starting the tradition of New Years debauchery!!! Thanks BC people, you don’t get the respect you deserve.

True story: On New Year Eve 1999/2000 I was at a party which sucked ball sack, and I was still in my pathetic shy stage (read I wasn’t getting even close to any girls) and so with five minutes left in the 1900s I decided to play my trump card, hope like fuck some girls would get so enthused about this infamous event that they would just, you know, grab a strange shy boy and give him a midnight kiss. So I purposely positioned myself next to three cute girls, and as the count down began, turned to face them ‘come to mamma’ (if mamma = loser) and to my shock, instead they made out with each other, one by one. And as much as I would like to see a couple of girls cut each others vaginas out with scissors, THIS display of lesbianism was merely crushing.

Later I ran into some guy fingering one of these girls on the beach the party was at in front of about a thousand people.

But don’t worry, only about a year and a half later, I DID get my first kiss of the 2000s, hell fucking yeah, the fact that this girl was making out with another dude within minutes of me was only slightly crushing. (Thanks for the warning cave men and BC pricks)

Note to self: Next time you’re at this same party and you and your friend meet two girls, one of which is proudly wearing a t-shirt that says ‘Sexpert’ on the front, choose to be the one of the two of you that says ‘If your really a sexpert prove it’ instead of the one thinking ‘you asshole, no way that will work, and you’ll just piss both these girls off’ because it turns out the one that says ‘prove it’ will soon be getting a blow job in the adjacent woods, and that’s not you

I am actually a member of sexual fetish group, we’re not weird or anything, we just like fucking dolphins in their head holes. Oh come on, don’t get mad at me, have an open mind, actually that’s why we like the dolphins, because they are literally open minded (get it, cause they have holes in their head!!!!! Hell you know yeah).

Also why do some guys like getting blow jobs while driving their car? Where the fuck are you going that you can’t pull over to enjoy having your dick sucked you selfish pricks. Plus can I come to this place you’re going, sounds like a fun time.

Oh by the way, is there a sporting team you hate? If so I’m now offering my special skills as a sport team jinxer.

Here is my record

North Sydney Bears: I was the biggest fan in the world (no exaggeration) they were kicked out of the competition after making the play offs 8 of the past ten years, and despite being over a hundred years old (long, angry story)

Arsenal: I went to see them twice while in England in two different seasons, both times they recorded the loss which was later widely considered to be the losses which cost them the title

Seattle Supersonics: I went to see them and they were dead in a couple of years

LA Lakers: I went to see them and the same year Magic Johnson got AIDs

Northern Spirit: Aussie soccer team, I bought a season ticket and within two years not only were they dead, but the entire competition was shut down for good

A lot more minor ones I can’t be bothered to list.

I am taking bids, give me money to become a fan of a team you hate and I’ll check them out and DESTROY THEM. (I can't promise to give their star player AIDs but I can sure try hard)

My mind is much frazzled today, can you tell? Not my normal focused insanity, just frazzled.

By the way brushing your teeth with broken glass is only a two birds one stone scenario if you have some left over broken glass AND are mad at your teeth and gums. I am so sick of people coming up to me and saying they killed two birds with one stone last night by brushing their teeth with broken glass and then it turns out they were only using up broken glass, but felt no ill will towards there teeth and gums (why does spell check want to change gums, do gums not really exist, have i just made that up and been using it for years and no one knows how to tell me, ok now I'm freaked out), get your clichés right you assholes.

Anyone doing anything exciting today?

You'll never believe this carpet, hell yeah

See that darkness down there all around me? That is my CARPET! The actual stuff! (its actually red wine colored, to cover up red wine stains)








And this is me lying on my guitar which is lying on my CARPET and my RUG!!! (Right where the guitar lies on this rug there is now a red wine stain, fuck you friend of mine who did that and never confessed but did leave me to wake up next to a big ass stain and and a bunch wet paper towels showing that you knew what you did but couldn't be bothered to clean it properly - plus, the whole fucking carpet it red wine colored, aim your spills better you prick)




Oh my god, these gloves are sitting on my coffee table, which is sitting on my rug, which you better believe is sitting on my CARPET!!!!!!! Hell Yeah




This is me, casting a spell which didn't work, because I did it on a sheet, on the floor, and not on the CARPET!!!!



Me lying on some weird rubber floor not a carpet, notice my knee is injured, coincidence? (actually I'd just attempted a marathon with a knee I'd injured snow boarding, but still where is the carpet you bastards)



One day ALL the carpet will be gone, scary? Yes! (plus why the fuck did I wear flip flops to walk on an active volcano, moron? Yes!)



This is me literary breaking a world record, how did I do it, the room had fucking carpet!



What happens when you leave the safety of the carpet to enter the nightmare of the sea? You look like a tool in front of girls in bikinis, thats what!



This photos has absolutely fucking nothing to do with carpet!!!!!!!!



Carpet, carpet, CARPET, carpet

Anyone else feel like giving oral sex right now?

I think its time carpet got more respect, WAY more respect

Let’s just be honest right up the top here, the thing about carpet is that it’s better than a cardboard cut-out of a bucket of sand, right? And people don’t think about that anywhere near enough.

I mean think about it, a cardboard cut-out of a bucket of sand is pretty freaking useless. Unless of course you are entering a cardboard cut-out of a bucket of sand competition, in which case even a really soft, even plush carpet made with premium Marino wool will win you few points in a cardboard cut-out of a bucket of sand competition, but be honest with yourself, how often are you going to enter a cardboard cut-out of a bucket of sand competition? Two, maybe three times a month? At least, but how often are you going to walk on your carpet? Probably daily

Cardboard cut-outs in general are pretty useless to be quite frank. They are poor alternatives to the real thing, like those cardboard cut-outs of celebrities? What can you do with them, just look at em and stuff. Plus buckets of sand don’t do much for you, I mean your at the beach, there is sand freaking everywhere, why put it in a bucket? To steal! And that’s not nice. So you’d have to be insane to choose a cardboard cut-out of a bucket of sand over having your house carpeted.

And think about this, maybe you want to tell a friend that you are going to have an abortion but you don’t know how to say it, so you’re looking for a metaphor you can use which will be easy to act out and will clearly get your point across without you needing to say the actual word ‘abortion’, what are you going to do? It’s obvious isn’t it, you will put a small pile of sand (proving you had an actual bucket of sand, so cardboard cut-out, are you fucked in the head?) on the carpet, tell your friend you are pregnant, then say ‘but hey see that sand, imagine for a moment that’s my foetus’, then you will grab your vacuum cleaner and vacuum the sand up. Your friend will hug you, and say I support your decision, and it will never be spoken about again. But try that without carpet and what happens ‘I don’t get it, why did you vacuum your hard wood floors, isn’t it easier to use a broom, and oh my god YOU’RE PREGNANT, YOU’RE GOING TO BE A GREAT MOM!!!!’ and now because the word ‘mom’ has been used you suddenly get all emotional and you end up raising a child, all cause you didn’t have carpet!!!!

That’s insane, a life long commitment because you had no carpet, oh my god. Get a carpet you psycho.

Also, and this is a true story – when a friend of mine was 15 he discovered my dad kept a wine collection under our house, and not realizing what was expensive and what wasn’t he stole a bottle worth over a thousand dollars, and not being able to hold his liquor but keen to try he drank the whole thing quickly, and I guess just for fun an hour or so later he vomited a thousand odd dollars of red wine all over another friend of ours brand new cream colored carpet, ruining it, in what may well have been the most expensive vomit of all time. And even though this story actually gives the impression that owning carpet could be costly, therefore undermining my very point, it may also explain to you why I may perhaps one day be arrested for vomiting on the Mona Lisa at the Louvre, because I want the title of ‘worlds most expensive spew’ god damn it, and I will do what ever it takes.

By the way, I feel like a lot more people would live forever if they could just figure out a way to stop dying. But I don’t think they will and personally I blame people who manufacture carpet for a living, because seriously what a boring profession to dedicate your life to. I mean honestly, ‘what do you want to do when you grow up’, ‘I want to manufacture carpet’ – this conversation should never ever take place, and if it does the second guy, the one who wants to manufacture carpet for a living, he should be introduced to various forms of entertainment immediately, because obviously so far he has never felt what it feels like to be entertained.

Damn it, that kind of undermined my argument too. How about this, reasons why having carpet is awesome –

1. It is soft under your feet, which is nice and stuff
2. If you invite people over to your house, and you don’t have very interesting art work on the walls or a nice view from the windows your guests will be able to say ‘I like your home, nice carpet’
3. Carpet comes in a variety of styles and designs, that puts YOU in control, not your floor
4. If you are prone to randomly fainting your less likely to crack your head open when you fall (unless you keep low tables all over the place, but really if you’re prone to fainting just don’t do this, it would be nuts)
5. Door to door carpet cleaners are usually great conversationalists, because they do it all day, so they are well trained
6. Some people refer to a ladies vaginal region by referencing carpet when the lady does not have vigilant grooming practices and when this comes up in conversation, perhaps in the bar or around a lively game of scrabble, you’ll be able to think of her vagina and think of your carpet at home, and just smile warmly
7. Some men refer to their chest hair as their carpet, if they are like really hairy, which lets you know how hairy a guy is often before you have even seen him shirtless, and you know, as they say ‘knowledge is power’, which isn’t true because power is power not knowledge, you can even look that up in a dictionary under definitions of words, but still people say that, so it’ll be nice to have that knowledge
8. If you are ever murdered the offenders hair and skin fragments are more likely to be found and DNA tested in a carpeted house, because carpet is a great magnet for hair and skin fragment, so straight up, carpet catches killers earlier in their killing career, which means carpet = life saving. Think about it, if the person the killer killed one before you had carpet, YOU might be ALIVE right now, oh my god, now don’t you want everyone to have carpet?
9. If you ever get really, really hungry you can eat carpet, it won’t taste nice, be easy to eat, satisfy your hunger, or have any positive affect what so ever, but it’s nice to have options right?
10. Even some poor people have carpet; do you really want those people to have something over you?
11. If you have kids who spill drinks a lot when one of them starts drinking a drink while standing on the carpet you get the chance to yell ‘not on the carpet!'
    
    

Do you have a carpet, if not why the hell not?

Do you ever think 'dude humans eat salad & that’s like leaves what are we rabbits?' and then you realize, seriously dude your still saying dude?

When you get called the life of the party do you freak out, cause if you’re the 'life' what the hell are these other people, zombies, ghosts?

Do you ever go to a party, stand in the middle of the room, start eating a snickers bar and then go ‘mmm mmmmm mmmm this tastes so good it’s like there’s a party in my immediate surroundings’? Especially if the party is taking place on carpet!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How Obama has let me down.... BADLY

Because I haven’t been involved in a single orgy this year, NOT ONE!!!! Can you believe that?

I'm serious, not even one.

Which is of course weird as I am sure you all agree because Barrack Obama was supposed to be the new JFK so 2009 should have been the new 1969, we should have had a summer of love, we should have had a year of LSD and debauchery. Come on people. Obama has been in for ages already, let’s start the fucking. When we are at war (and you know environment and economy stuff) we need to show our support by fucking for no reason other than the fact that fucking is fun. (Does this count as a political blog? Cause I don't want to write those)(If this blog makes you question your political thinking please think of something else please)(back to the main point now)

New JFK = Orgies!!!! Surely

And I haven't been in a single orgy since Obama has been in (or ever for that matter Fuck you Bush and Clinton and even first Bush even though if I'd been in an Orgy when he was in I would have been getting raped by pedophiles) and their Aussie equivalents Howard and Rudd and the other one before Howard, whats his name, fuck you. Good leadership means people fucking girls with unshaven underarms, we ALL know that.

Now for something SHOCKING (capitals means its REALLY shocking) (same as in the title for this blog, it was BADLY (the way Obama let me down that is))

JFK wasn’t the president for the summer of love, it was Nixon!!!!!! That guy from that movie with Frosty the snow man or whatever.

We didn’t want the new JFK, we wanted the new Nixon!!!!!!

The lesson is get these orgies happening right now or the new Nixon is coming people, coming like a storming stampede of doing stuff that people will end up not liking but will still remember fondly cause of all the fucking they were doing.

By the way if you're a bi-curious girl too scared to take the leap, try getting oral sex from a guy with long hair and use a little imagination, oh wait, I have long hair, how fortuitous

I love looking at the bobbing top of a girls head, cause that means, you know, she's working it, down there, scrubbing the floor

True story: If you have a fetish for Japanese School Girls you are 72% more likely to develop a rare Malaysian genital fungi in old age, be careful while fucking please

And now some stuff I've drawn recently photographed in random spots in my room (you might need to go into my photos section so you can see them big enough to read - thats the full on top notch checking out my pictures experience)

Now I can't find the chord thingy to get photos from camera into my computer, damn it

Here we go (I'm actually writing this bit BEFORE I've found the chord, thats called optimism, hell yeah (it just took me three tries to spell called, and then I just spelled took talk and then spell spil, fuck me, plus I always am adamant that spelled is spelled spelt, what the hell is going on here)

Oh here is the cord (it was right next to me under a pillow) (see not all my thoughts are fucked in the head! I think)
























































This is not a photo of a drawing, but a photo of me!!!!! (grrrr)

First lessons of 2010 already learned

If you are going to spend a day working as a street mime in front of a musical festival don’t accidentally take an oestrogen pill instead of your morning vitamin. You will end up being way more emotional than usual and when people start calling you gay (and they will) you will break down into uncontrollable sobbing tears simultaneously making people hate you for being such an intense homophobic and also thinking you’re a pathetic little crying girl. This combination is of course known as the ‘Phiby Affect’ where by the sufferer will have a memory so horrible planted in his mind that one day it will manifest itself in said person giggling whenever anyone says the word ‘Phibyhuster’ and even though that’s not a real word, so it hardly ever gets said, the thought of giggling about it for no apparent reason is a hard burden to carry.

What do you mean why do I even keep oestrogen pills in my medicine cabinet? How is that your business?

Ok fine, well for a while I deeply feared that I would one day spontaneously start physically switching into a woman, and I figured if it started happening I would have the oestrogen ready to speed it up so I could deal with it as quickly as possible, ok? Are you happy? Of course also so I could play with my new boobies as soon as possible? Are you satisfied?

Also, if you, like me, find yourself visiting a leper colony early this year, please don’t say “I’d give an arm and leg to watch you guys play rugby” they don’t find it funny at all for some reason.

On the other hand if you want a really good time, and a great new years hang over cure, go to a your nearest mall, head into the food court at the busiest time they have, pull up a seat in the middle of the actively, and while making as much of a scene as you can, slowly open a can of dog food and begin eating it with a fork all the while moaning and groaning about how delicious your meal is. Now, and this is where it really gets fun, as soon as people clearly start looking a bit sick, suddenly yell out, ‘this is the best dog food I have ever eaten, YOU CAN REALLY TASTE THE HORSE!!!!!’

I know what you’re thinking, there is a flaw in this plan, sometimes metal cans can be hard to open and create sharp edges which you can easily cut yourself on, and cutting yourself might severely dampen your hell yeah awesome fun. But not to worry, at your local kitchen appliance store you will find a myriad of fancy modern gadgets specifically designed for no more cuts while opening cans.

So have fun, it’s a guaranteed good time, you know, as long as you don’t mind eating the horse riddled dog food.

A message from a wonderful angel, awwww

Hello everybody, Its the angel of Kurt Cobain here, and I am SO SO SO excited to be back on earth, it is wonderful to see everyone, you all look so good and happy, wow, I am really please. Still I've got to tell you heaven is AWESOME!!!!!! I mean simply wonderful, the people are super friendly, the bleach in your hair grows out, the holes in your jeans magically fix themselves, and everyone speaks in an Australian accent, so everyone sounds so cool. Yay, so fun. It makes me smile just to think about it :) :) :) :) yay :)

Now that I have said that, I have unfortunately been brought here to talk to you about something very sad, and that is of course Charlie Sheens unfortunate arrest for abusing his wife, it what it seems was a case of both falling off the alcohol wagon. It is so sad when people succumb to this horrible disease known as alcoholism. Charlie don't you know, alcohol is full of nasty calories, often makes you snack on fatty foods which will clearly lead to need many more hours in the Gym, yes I know, that could make anyone angry, the gym is not a fun place at all, so violence does often end up being a result. It is so very sad.

The answer Mr Sheen is of course a wonderful alternative known as Heroin. Heroin makes all your naughty naughty angry drift away and also helps you keep skinny. Its wonderful!!

Maybe it would help if I told you a little more about my silly little path to heroin. I never did drugs but then people told me I wouldn't be cool if I didn't do drugs, so I started to pretend to do them, but then pretending got harder to maintain because you never know if people are just pretending to not notice your pretending which can make you paranoid, so then for a while I started doing them but pretended I didn't but I didn't like doing them and seeing as I was pretending I wasn't doing them it all felt a little pointless. So I went back to pretending I did them while pretending I enjoyed them meanwhile being paranoid all this pretending had gotten way out of hand.

I was in a no mans land of pretend and perplexity but then something fortuitous happened and I was randomly shot in the face with a shotgun and the doctor I was rushed to, turned out not to work in a hospital but rather the alley behind the rock club I was shot in, and he was less of a doctor and more of a heroin dealer. He said he could take my pain away in just moments. Seeing as my face was bleeding from numerous bullet fragment related wounds all over my face the doctor felt the quickest way to administer my medicine was to drip liquid heroin on his tongue and spit it in my face.

I never did like the drugs, but the feeling of the spit in the face was really soothing to my wounds, and I was instantly hooked. There was never any need to pretend anymore, I dove head deep into a permanent pattern of having people shoot me in the face and then spit on the wounds with heroin spit. It was heaven and trust me I have been to real heaven and heroin spat in gunshot wound heave, and they are both amazingly wonderful. Soon I discovered that I could shoot myself in the face and spit in my own face if I looked towards the ceiling and spitting and letting it fall on me. Oh my god was it good.

Eventually someone pointed out to me that shooting yourself in the face was dangerous, and doing heroin was dangerous, but shooting yourself in the face AND spitting heroin in your face wounds was just madness. So I joined shooting yourself in the face and having heroin spat in the wounds anonymous and got off the habit for a while.

Eventually I realized I was only pretending to not want to shoot myself in the face and spit heroin in my face, so I fell off the wagon, and I was out of practice so I accidentally shot my brain and died. Damn it, and people call it suicide or whatever, but it was just a mistake, I hate how they remember you wrong, but don't worry, up in heaven there is no hate, so everything is wonderful. Yay.

So I hope that helps you Charlie and everyone else, now I am going to go hang out with my beloved for a while before going all the way back up into the sky world, have I mentioned yet its awesome up there!!! I can't wait to see you up there. Bye bye. Yay :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

Currently reading:

My morning so far

I woke up on the right side of bed, but my bed was on the wrong side of the room, and my walls

had been wallpapered with images of leaves, as it turns out the sleep walking version of me is an

interior decorator! This scared me for a moment until I realised its better to be a sleep walking

decorator than being a sleep walking genital mutilator, and that cheered me up so I got out of

bed.

I made the bed, because I am a sucker for useless chores, and then I got dressed and went outside where there was a man on the street eating a bowl of cornflakes. I said “hey man don’t you know cornflakes were originally designed to curtail masturbation?” and he replied “Well do you see me masturbating?” and I looked down at him and realized this guy had three arms, and with his third arm you’re god damn right he was jerking it, so I said a jealous “touché” and shook his hand and I walked away.

Up the street I ran into a kitten and a puppy but I wasn't sure if the noise I made was an aawww or an eeewww, because the kitten was pooping on a sunflower and the puppy was urinating on a teddy bear, so I said aaaweeawwwaeeewwaa and walked away so confused I had to stop for a hot dog wrapped in pizza, now my pants feel tight, thanks a fucking lot kitten and puppy

Suddenly I was abducted by a scientist who shrunk me to a miniature size and injected me into a mans bladder allowing me a magical journey out of his penis,
it was a lot of fun but when the scientist brought me back to full size and I complained that she hooked me up with a penis and not a vagina the scientists got angry and she said 'women don't urinate out of their vaginas, it comes out there urethra you tool' I said 'hmmm I feel like LICKING your urethra' and then she kicked me out for some reason

I was so upset that I was cornered into coming up with the following names for my new band (that I have been trying to start for about six years, I'm still the only member, maybe the problem is me?)

Craving and enslaving

Desperate delusion face

Simply people not monkeys, people damn it

Naively unaware trash can lids

Blissfully insane blankets

The lives we touched (not in a pedophile way)

A last time together as friends (if I do something really weird so you leave me)

Deliriously deluded and other D words, Dangerous for example

Hysterically serene or is it serenely hysterical?

Cocky and insecure (wait is that possible)

The trials and tribulations of having a great ass & the adventures of Johnny Muttugalot

Over-thinkers anonymous is not a real place, yet

The smart idiot in the room (clue: not the drummer)

If the twist top exists why not use it (and other poor use of technology)

The horny corpse

Uniquely the same (like cake and muffins - not muffin tops, they're ugly)

Dave Jetlag Tieck and the half naked flight attendants

Then I thought, I'm thirsty, so I stopped for a Diet Dr Pepper and wondered what would happen in the afternoon