Eighteen - Spread All Over

If you're anything like me, and I assume that you are, then there are certain things about us that I can assume we share. Like for example I bet we ALL share following three step routine as we wake up every morning: 

1. We sit up in our pile of trash that we're using as a bed, having locked ourselves out of our homes permanently, prop ourselves up with some pillows, and wipe the slugs off our testicles. 

- 'Testicles' of course being the nickname we've given our lettuce patch. 

- 'Lettuce patch' being what we call the weird endlessly leaky rash that's where we used to have a tomahawk imbedded in our shins. 

- 'Weird' being what call something clearly not worrisome, and definitely worth taking lots of photos of to send to people we admire.

2. We then eat some breakfast. 

- Usually some toast, perhaps with tomato, cheese and lettuce. 

- 'Toast' being what we call the tiles we found in a box behind the burned down school. 

- 'Tiles' being what we call a finely cooked buffet of breakfast classics both savory and sweet, depending on what you demand, to be enjoyed in our pile of trash that we're using as a bed.

- And 'Pile of trash' being what we call our mate Dick's bed.

- 'Dick' being what we sometimes call our mate Kev

3. We then shower, get dressed, and get on with our day.

- 'Shower' being what we call dousing ourselves in movie stuntman grade lighter fluid and lighting ourselves on fire to boldly burn off that morning's congregation of body lice and maggot infestations found on our bodily body parts, such as skin, hair, and newly developed bodily openings. 

This is the classic way to start the day. Although obviously we all have some fluctuations from time to time. Like for example sometimes Kev has accidentally had the locks to his apartment changed and for a couple of days you have to just call things what they are because Ol' Herb (the guy that also sometimes lives in the dump behind the burned down school) doesn't understand metaphors, which sucks because it makes breakfast disgusting. Tomato, cheese and leaky rash on toast? Yuck, tomato! It literally grew ON something, that's foul.

But still, the point is, you can see how we're all similar. So like you, when I whip out MY 'things I imagine this could be, and are therefore likely to be true' diary, I don't just start sketching out things. I first have to warm up my drawing skills, which is what I did NOW, and in my BIG 'things I imagine this could be, and are therefore likely to be true' sketchpad, as I like to draw things life size.

Luckily Kev was passed out now, so I had a perfect model, even if I couldn't get his pants off to get him nude like a proper model, because for some reason he had a knife stuck through his pants and jammed into his skin, and so pulling down his pants was troublesome. Still I did manage some good warm up sketches of things in the room, including but not limited to:

- A drawing of Kev, pants pulled down just below his junk, pointing at it, with a thought bubble thinking 'talk about being a Dick, am I right?' 

- Six sketches of frogs pretending to be giant caribou, pretending to be four mountains, that think they are cathedrals, that always have been and only ever will be mere specks of dust.

- A picture of Kev, pants pulled down just below his junk, pointing at it, with a thought bubble thinking 'wow, it IS true what people say, if you want to know how big a guy's junk is just look at his hands, because sometimes they're pointing directly at said junk, so you know how to find it'. 

-  A room of people staring at me, muttering to themselves, obviously in awe of my drawing skills.

- Sketches of dozens of waitstaff for some reason carrying plates of food out from the cloak room. 

- A sketch of a half eaten burrito as seen from the point of view of its mind eye, in which it was actually a giant submarine speeding through the water, torpedoing a fancy resort town, even though it's been half eaten by a giant squid, that itself was half eaten by a swarm of flesh eating ants that had ran for the sea after a man had tried to burn them off him. 

- A sketch of the manager standing over me with an angry facial expression and pointing towards the restaurant exit, obviously jealous that the waiters were getting sketched before him so threatening to walk out if I didn't sketch him next, that needy dick. No wonder people hate management. 

- A sketch of Kev, pants pulled down just below his junk, with the three specks of dust drawn double life sized next to it, but with an arrow pointing at the junk and the dust saying 'REGULAR life sized, dust not doubled at all, I swear'.

Obviously the last one, ha ha, was just for fun, something I normally wouldn't do when I was in danger NOW, and especially when the danger was BIG as it was NOW, but I figured I had a bit of time up my sleeves, as these sketches altogether  took less than three hours. And I'd impressed so many people that three quarters of the clientele had left the whole establishment to go tell their friends. Even my waiter had left, I assume to go gather his daughters, as he clearly now wanted me to marry one of them as soon as possible, especially if one of my drawings was up for grabs as a reverse engagement gift, needy dick.  

I was finally ready to draw the 'things I imagine this could be, and are therefore likely to be true' and I therefore about to find out exactly what danger I was in: 

- First I drew myself drowning in a tidal wave of submarine blood oozing out of a half eaten submarine, and I KNEW instinctively that THIS was what my tooth was warning me of. But then I remembered that giant squid LOVE the taste of submarine blood, and would surely have licked it all up, so this was implausible. 

- Second I drew a seventeen thousand man army of horse bound jousters storming the restaurant, and I just KNEW instinctively that THIS was what my tooth was warning me about. But then I looked closely at some of the jousters in the back and noticed their facial expressions screamed 'ahh man, why am I always in the back, this sucks, it's not like Scotty up there in the front is THAT much better a jouster than me, this sucks' and I just KNEW that when you're feeling hard done by, you NEVER call a guy named Scotty his preferred name elongation, you just call him Scott, so I knew this was implausible. 

- Next I drew a picture of someone standing next to me with a thought bubble thinking 'I'm not sure that you really ARE hero, in fact I think you just kicked an old man for no real reason'. And I never even considered this could be plausible for a single second, I mean if someone thought that why'd they leave the restaurant to go tell their friends about what a hero I was? 

But then it happened, with just my fourth drawing I drew something really cool, and I just KNEW instinctively that this WAS what my tooth was warning me about. Yep I DEFINITELY was in danger, and it DEFINITELY was BIG, and in regard to it needing action NOW, well that was something definitely DEFINITE! 

Because this was a type of danger that was FRESH and NEW. It was eery, once again my 'things I imagine this could be, and are therefore likely to be true' diary had flawlessly revealed the truth, and this was a truth that would affect me BIG and it effected me NOW! 

Coming up the subject of the fourth drawing will be exposed*

*Much like Kev's junk in the restaurant, which surprisingly didn't have a single patch of flesh eating insect OR bacteria on it, I really must remember to ask him his secret. 

Check it out, it's the BEST worst show on Television!

Seventeen - Leaving Behind The Pocket

There's an ancient Chinese saying of wisdom that I recently coined - 'leaving a kid somewhere is probably nearly as bad as taking a kid, depending on the place, the kid, your relationship to the kid, your intentions, and whether you are real or a cartoon of a rambunctiousness goat'.

I like this ancient bit of Chinese wisdom for numerous reasons:

- I came up with it. 

- It's super wise. 

- It covers almost every dangerous situation you may find yourself in.

- Particularly ones where someone is considering either child abandonment or kidnapping. 

- Which lets face it, is most situations. 

- And it also covers every other situation, including, but definitely not limited to - angry tree climbing, pretending a train is actually a man licking another man's shoe, criminal level wave drying, forgetting to wear shoes leaving your head really cold in a blizzard, timing how long it takes someone to realize their watch has been replaced with a small scorpion, picking off people's purely deception motivated moles and glueing them to a vomit themed floor painting, and even somethings that we don't all do regularly, like washing our hair. 

- Because actions don't really matter, all that matters is what your intentions were. 

- And also it covers times when you're being a rambunctious cartoon goat, which quite frankly is almost completely ignored by most ancient Chinese quotes, those dicks. 

I was thinking about this bit of wisdom right NOW because I was in danger, BIG danger, I mean sure the waiter's actions suggested he was happy with me, this man was even willing to give me stuff, stuff like a keychain or even one of his daughters, and that can be BIG important drastic stuff, like imagine how annoying he was going to find fishing his mail box key out from his pocket NOW! And getting your mail is hard enough as it is, given that for some reason mail boxes always have a deadly spider in them with a small note attached to one of their back legs saying 'property of Kev's brother', nature sure is weird. Yet my tooth was throbbing, so I was clearly in danger, that meant the waiter's intent was something OTHER than what it seemed. 

I was also thinking about this bit of wisdom because there was a kid crying near by me, which was super distracting, he'd clearly been abandoned, as who would want a crying kid, but he was ALSO in process of being kidnapped, because some lady was holding him and singing a lullaby, which just goes to prove that kidnappers are stupid.

I needed to respond to this danger NOW, and my response needed to be BIG! Unfortunately my throbbing tooth may be a gift and a talent, but it's remarkably unspecific, so I wasn't sure what exactly I was in danger of. 

Like for example one time I was driving my car and I realized my tooth was throbbing, so I assumed a meteorite was about to plummet into my car, but after drastically cutting across four lanes of traffic and watching several small petroleum explosions the size of a cruise ship, it turned out that the ACTUAL danger I faced that day was having to talk to a police officer with a lisp for five minutes - it was literally the worst encounter with a cop anyone has ever had! 

Or this other time I was riding on a man trying to lick another man's shoe when I realized my tooth was throbbing, and so I naturally I assumed that I was in danger of missing my stop, so I pulled on the emergency break while simultaneously shoving the grand piano I was traveling with out the window, causing the whole man trying to lick another man's shoe to derail, and as I walked away from the small electrical fire the size of a train, I discovered the real danger I'd been in - having to talk to a police officer with a face birthmark for four minutes - it was literally the worst encounter with a cop anyone has ever had ever! 

Or another time I was at a massive police convention giving a speech on 'Staying Alert' when I noticed that my tooth was throbbing and so obviously I instinctively assumed that one of the cops was secretly ten cats sticky-taped together and wearing a trench coat so they could steal my secrets on how to catch a red dot (clue: you have to start by dipping your catching paw in a bucket of liquified casino neon), when it turned out I was actually in danger of having my wallet pick pocketed, what sort of utter son of bitch, piece of shit, total dick would steal a wallet? I have no fucking clue. But it meant I had to talk to a police officer with halitosis for three minutes - it was literally the best encounter with a cop anyone has ever had ever (because, he he, while we were talking I stole his wallet). 

Yes danger looms everywhere, and there is no logic or pattern to it, it is completely different every time. So what danger I was in right now could be literally anything. There were only two things I knew for sure, this danger was BIG and I was in it NOW. 

There was only one thing I could do. React NOW and react BIG, and so I did it. I whipped out my 'things I imagine this could be, and are therefore likely to be true' diary and began to sketch out some thoughts on what the danger here might be. And what I was to draw would be so mind blowingly mind blowing that it was going to blow even my own mind, and in a mind blowing fashion so fashionable that it would blow minds all throughout the following fashion season, a season that would be turned out to be focused on the fabric pattern of blown minds! 

To be revealed* 

*Like when the sexy cartoon goat you have your eye on takes off her goat suit and turns out to be a wolf that's super dumb and thinks you're a lamb. Ha ha, you're going hungry you dick*! 

*Speaking of dicks, here's a fun fact - turns out cops don't even know what a man trying to lick another man's shoe is! That's why talking to them sometimes sucks. 

Life advice from Bill

Life advice from Bill 

(Cue theme song) 

1-2-3-4

It's advice for life 

Because problems are rife 

So you need advice 

Hopefully someone will be nice 

Wait I know who will 

Let's just talk to Bill 

That's me! 

Hi, the name is Bill. Well it's William, but they make be go by Bill so the song rhymes. 

Here's some advice by me. 

Start your day STRONG and your whole day will go swell! 

Now here's how to do it - first thing I always do the second I wake up is roll around murmuring for a second or two, then sitting bolt upright while blood curlingly screaming 

'NOT TILL NEXT WEEK, CALL MY OFFICE, WE'LL SET SOMETHING UP, YOU KNOW WHAT, I'LL CALL YOU, NO POINT YOU RINGING WHEN I'M TOO BUSY TO TAKE THE CALL HALF THE TIME, AND THE THE OTHER HALF OF THE TIME I'M TAKING CARE

OF BUSINESS, WINK WINK, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, WINK'. 

That way whoever's front lawn I'm waking up on thinks I'm so on it that I'm even taking care of business DURING my nightmares! So imagine what I'd be able to pull off in the waking hours! 

It'd have led to all sorts of great opportunities too, but I don't like to get up till after noon so I'm only impressing home during the day lazy non-working bums. Assholes. Plus none of them have even bothered to recommend a good stopping over winking surgeon, dicks. 

(Cue outro music)

1-2-3-4

It's advice for life 

Because problems are rife 

So you need advice 

Hopefully someone will be nice 

Wait I know who will 

Let's just talk to Bill 

That's m... Wait no I'm William, surely they could have found a way to make that work, um

I know who silligam, milligram, um, till a ham, fuck this is hard, damn it, I'm Bill.

That's me! 

True Dave Tales

I used a disabled toilet at the train station today as the men's were all busy. 

While I was in there I suddenly got fearful that someone would get mad at me for using it, so instead of getting out fast I spent five minutes looking in the mirror practicing pretending to be a mentally retarded person, sample dialogue - 'my mumma said dat I could use dis toilet - MUUUUUMMMMAA dis man says I can't go wee'.

#NormalGuy 

 

Either way hand me a towel

I know what you're thinking - 'this is a lovely swim I'm having right now, the weather is nice, the water is cool, the nearby wildlife is chirpy, the wi-fi in this jungle is strong, I still dislike the thought of my chair breaking into a million pieces and having to pick up each one turning into a giant scorpion frog, and even though I forgot to call back Jeremy I don't care, frankly Jeremy hasn't been that good of a friend lately, he didn't even call me to congratulate me when that splinter I'd had for three years finally came out, along with a surprisingly green chunk of finger flesh, so life is good, really good, there's only one thing bothering me, what if this river I think I'm swimming in is actually not a river at all, and instead it's a giant mural of scene from the movie The Sandwich Crafter, painted onto the side of a giant drivable drill designed to drill to the center of the earth, that's not working right now because someone shaved while sitting on it, and the hair got inside the tiny mechanisms designed to make sure the drill kills no worms, not a single one damn it'? 

Yep, we've all been there. Some of us are there three or four times a week. We're having a perfectly innocent swim in a jungle river, and then someone yells out 'I don't remember the scene in The Sandwich Crafter where the pastrami had a human wearing floaties glued to it'? And you realize 'oh fuck, I'm NOT in a river' and then we get hard on ourselves and think 'how do I keep making this mistake, how? If only there was some way of telling the difference between a river and a giant mural of scene from the movie The Sandwich Crafter, painted on the side of a giant drivable drill designed to drill to the center of the earth, that's not working right now because someone shaved while sitting on it, and the hair got inside the tiny mechanisms designed to make sure the drill kills no worms, not a single one damn it, but there doesn't seem to be a way to tell, noooooo'. 

Well 'noooooooo' no more, you're in luck. With just a little elbow grease and the use of some simple regular household items, such as a team of scientists, three brave test hamsters, one million conveniently found giant scorpion frogs, some gangrene finger DNA, a talking tile, an elbow greaser, a tile gag, and lots and lots of trial and error, I have managed to figure out once and for all how to tell if you are in fact currently in a river, or if instead you're on a giant mural of scene from the movie The Sandwich Crafter, painted on the side of a giant drivable drill designed to drill to the center of the earth, that's not working right now because someone shaved while sitting on it, and the hair got inside the tiny mechanisms designed to make sure the drill kills no worms, not a single one damn it, and here it is: 

- If it IS a river, you'll be all wet with water. 

- if it is NOT a river you'll be all wet from worms lavishing you with thankful hugs. 

So there you go. 

Just ask yourself 'am I wet?' If the answer is 'yes' you should easily be able to tell where you are swimming. And if the answer is no, then who knows where the fuck you're swimming, and frankly you may be a tad weird. 

How to be a sweetie

Let's face it, when people think of me they all think the following things:

1. The exact same first thing - 'that guy eats too many spiders'. 

2. Then after that they all also think the exact same second thing - wait, did I think 'eats too many spiders' I meant 'eavesdrops on too many slippery conversations about grieving window shoppers'.

3. And then around fifteen percent of those people all think the exact same third thing - 'he's such a sweetie, I wish I knew his secrets'.

4. And the other eighty five percent think the exact same third thing - 'he's such a sweetie, I DEMAND to know his secrets!' 

Well I have something to say about all four of those things.

1. How can 14 an hour be too much of ANYTHING? Easily. I think that put that to bed.

2. Give them a break, the window shoppers have tonnes of reason to be grieving damn it, ever since it was discovered that window shopping didn't add much to a shops bottom line half of them won't even let them inside to window shop! Assholes. 

4. Demanding something from me will get you NOTHING. Just for that I'm not EVER revealing my secrets.

3. I like you, here's my secret: 

The key to being a sweetie is to have a signature sweet thing to say to someone - a romantic outpouring of sorts - something useful in almost any situation you wish to to be sweet in. 

If you can't come up with one on your own here is one I wrote for you, just follow this to the letter and you'll be a sweetie whenever you desire, or even when it's DEMANDED of you (which once you've established you're a sweetie, will happen ALL the time, people sure are dicks): 

Dear (insert your own sweeties name here, if you don't know it feel free to use 'sweetie', 'honey', 'you there' or 'it'). 

'I feel so connected to you (this line works best if you are not currently physically connected to them, as we are talking about an emotional or metaphysical connection, as that's sweetier, if you forgot to let go of them before saying this quickly shove them away, and reinstate your verbal line of connection. Also maybe spend a few moments really pondering your current consistency of physical connection, is it concentrated and creative? Well apologize damn it. No one wants someone clingy, unless they're made of melted Tupperware, in which case they just want some sort of melted left over casserole, but I bet this applies to eight percent of you at best)'.

'I feel so connected to you (reinstatement makes you seem committed, and for those of you who HAVE cooked yourself into a casserole will help distract your sweetie from watching you now melt yourself), connected like we're as one, almost like our minds have been melted together' (if you HAVE melted yourself use a different a metaphor as this may otherwise be confusing)'.

'Oh wow, imagine MELTED brain, ewwww, it would be like melted cheese only more brain like, yuck (actually, now that I think of it, if you have melted yourself go back and unchange that last metaphor, confusion is like mystery, and mystery is mysterious!)'.

'Yum, melted cheese (Wait, If your replacement metaphor included leaves falling from trees at light speed, then go back and unchange the unchange and stick with that, because that sounds badass. Actually everyone go back and do that)'. 

'Like imagine if you ordered a fondue and instead of melted cheese you got served melted brain, and if you dipped your bits of bread in there like stringy bits of brain would be oozing off it. Yuck. And you'd probably still eat some before you you REALLY looked into what exactly it was, you'd be all like - this cheese is a tad weird - I wonder what the cheese blend is - the Swiss are known for interesting cheeses right, well Swiss cheese obviously, but this one is meatier, and stringier than most - and darker, and it's a communal pot shared by the collective diners, so you'd probably all taste it, and no one wants to be the first to say you don't like it, cause what if everyone else likes it and you don't? (Yeah, nah, go back and unchange the unchange and rechange it back to the melted metaphor, otherwise they could well be confused, and confusion can be confusing)'. 

'Aren't I sweet, I'm talking about Switzerland, and Switzerland is a romantic place (this is a great line, it tells them how to think about you, and people will think pretty much anything you tell them)'.

'And for the record, yes I would eat your brain (slightly dangerous territory in your quest for sweetness, people don't like things to be 'on the record', but the rest is strong enough to counter this. People like to know that you're not grossed out by their insides). 

'I love a brainy person, that's a pun! (Although I just remembered that I had you all go back and use that leaf metaphor which means you're all currently a melted casserole trying to be sweet to melted Tuppaware, wow, you guys are WEIRD! Good, sweeties are always weirdos). 

'And I also love a warm bath, a night watching movies, good music, and funny cartoons of hippos (if your sweetie isn't a warm bath, a night watching movies, good music or a funny cartoon of hippos shove them away, life's to short to be sweet to something you don't love).

And that's it. You'll now be a sweetie like me. 

Have fun everyone one. And remember next time you see window shopper inside a store, shove them away, they're not contributing to the store's bottom line at all! Then give them a hug. They deserve it, for some reason people keep being mean to them. 

Sixteen - Behind The Shaker

I had suckled from the teet of self-made genius, and had been rewarded  in the form of a god-sponsored gift, and from that day on I transcended the mysterious mud pit between science and truth and grasped the weeds growing in it with my whole soul, or to put it another way - my tooth now throbbed ANYTIME danger lurked near me. Especially when the danger loomed NOW, which would make it throb BIG! 

Now all I had to do was listen for the throb, and I listen best with feelings, so I listened to that tooth with my feelings as hard as anyone had ever listened to a tooth before, spotting the throbbing with my very eyes EVERY TIME I was in danger. 

It throbbed when I stuck my head into the mouth of flame throwers controlled by robots that seemed 'too' nice. 

It throbbed whenever cops were near by and I was up to no good, like standing in front of a cop station making prank phone calls to the cops. 

It throbbed whenever I rode my scooter that I'd made cool with a lawnmower engine and full speed exposed lawnmower blade where the handlebars should have been, and powered it with six huge wet batteries I'd found behind the nuclear hospital and accidentally dropped in the polluted lake while duck mocking, which was dangerous because I HATED wearing kneepads. 

It throbbed the day I first realized the rats in the rats nest I'd been bunking in only cleaned with a recognized brand name all purpose cleaning spray every OTHER week, letting me know I'd have to do something very dangerous - have a stern chat to the king rat about his discipline.

It throbbed the day I threw Kev a surprise seance for his brothers soul letting me know that Kev, that dick, had failed to get the hint and have his brother killed briefly while being monitored by a team of medical students as a test to see if the mostly forgotten movie from the 1990s 'Flatliners' was plausible or not, leading to me having to do something extremely dangerous - temporarily kill Kev's brother myself, which would require me holding a very dangerous scalpel and risking nicking myself. 

It throbbed the time I noticed the clouds turning grey, REALLY grey, and the lightening turning flashy, REALLY flashy, and on the same day a mysterious football field length metal rod had been stuck protruding from my bedroom window and focused on my pillow, leading me to have to do something always dangerous - putting my ear to the metal to see if a train was coming. 

It throbbed the time a deadly snake had been hidden behind my sofa cushion ready to plunge it's venom into my woefully soft skin, a day that coincidentally coincided with the day the snake was pissed off because the  sofa cushion turned out to be woefully not soft enough. 

It throbbed when seven panthers were hiding in the tree in front of my house, and coincidentally on the day which coincided with the day these panthers had been shown video footage of delicious looking wildebeests that had had their faces CGI altered to look like my face!

It throbbed when I failed to get any leads or clues on who or what had been seemingly trying to get me, letting me know the danger was still out there, unless they were tired, which they probably were, as I've heard panther wrangling is hard. 

It even throbbed when the danger was only superficial and implausible, like the time where my towns one and only dentist, Kev's brother, who was a hobbiest CGI expert, and a freelancing zoologist, threatened to 'get me'! 

I mean obviously he was just joking as he had no reason to dislike me, I mean I never even went to the dentist, and I'd stopped trying to date his wife after I found out she was a large metal rod saleswoman, what a boring job. Plus I'd made it less likely anyone would steel his prized rare and expensive bird collection as I'd had all the breeds existence officially denied rendering them worthless and therefore stupid to steal.

Plus I was the one who'd started the rumor that dentists were the ones who caused the recent disease outbreak at the nuclear hospital after their backup batteries had been stolen, which caused dentist visits in my town to drop ninety percent allowing him the time for his bird hobby in the first place.

So yes it even throbbed when the danger existed in its trickiest form of non-existentence. In fact it NEVER stopped throbbing, because as the wisdom of the wise quote I coined earlier taught us all - danger is ALWAYS existent, lurking behind everything, surprisingly even angry panthers. 

It even throbbed when I invented a dastardly tooth laser gun and shot myself with it set it to throb, proving that my weapon didn't work at all, and was probably unstable and ready to blow.  

And NOW I was in this restaurant and my waiter was praising me for kicking him in the knee seven times, and he was praising me BIG. And he was offering me rewards, all the most cliche awards ever offered by anyone, including and strictly limited to: 

- Offering me any one of his six daughters' hands in marriage.

- Suggesting that if none of those daughters sufficed that he'd be willing to divorce his now menopausal wife and take up with a younger fertile lady and sire daughters with her until one DID suffice. 

- Offering to be my sherper on any future expeditions to the famous K-Mart at the top of the small hill.

- Telling me I could get a two for one dessert even if my coupon was out of date.

- Suggesting that even if one of those daughters' hands were to my liking he STILL could take up with a younger fertile lady and we could double date.

- Offering to split the bill on the double date but pay ALL the tip himself. 

- Asking if I knew any younger fertile ladies that I could set him up with.

- Recommending that I gave him the number of several options in case my first or second choices weren't into him.

- Offering to get into shape so that they were more likely to be into him. 

- Giving me a free keychain. 

A lesser man, like Kev, would have taken at least some of these awesome offers. Kev even tried to accept one of the daughters, before I even had the chance to answer he screamed 'any of those daughters willing to drive me to the hospital', that dick, she was offered to me. 

Still this all seemed great. All my problems seemed solved. All my dreams seemed to have come true. All of my tribulations seemed to have been mopped up with an old towel. I could have taken these wonderful offers and been a happy man. So it seemed.

But nothing is ever as it seems. One day I'll come up with a wise ancient Chinese saying that will prove that. But I didn't need that NOW. 

I had something else. And it was BIG.

My tooth was throbbing. 

So I TURNED down those offers.

As clearly I was in danger. 

Oh also it occurred to me that some of the offers weren't completely selfless. Like I didn't even have an out of date two for one dessert coupon, so he was going to make me pretend that I did, which was pretend time I'd already allocated to being a pool shark later that week. I find pretending to be a pool shark and making huge bets and then turning out to not be able to play pool at all really makes people happy. Plus that particular K-mart was actually DOWNHILL from my place. Yep, I was in danger. So I needed to do something BIG to avoid it, and I needed to do it NOW! 

*What it would be is to be revealed*

*Speaking of which if you are that robot can you please reveal how you appeared so nice? That seems like an awesome skill to have. 

Yes it can, good milk too

I don't get mad often, but something has had my goat for a long time, and on top of that I'm currently very weak from lack of rich goats cheese sourced calcium, and I'm just pissed off at this, and I need to get it off my chest, so here goes:

Hey, assholes, maybe instead of complaining that your sack is sad all the time, have you thought of perhaps giving it a break from carrying around all the marbles you're not currently playing with and giving it a hug? 

No. You'd rather complain. Dicks. 

Ps: If instead of unused marbles your sack is currently full of dead goat parts (like mine is for some reason I can't figure out, I'm sure my goat would have let me know if another goat had come into the house before someone got him) well then it's got TONS of reason to be sad, depending on the size of the goat. 

Pps: Assholes! 

Fifteen - Shaking Answers From The Sky

Jeremy Pondasy, a slightly pensive salesman of pansies, originally from Pulsy in Pindfay County, was living a great life. Most times when he bought something he was happy with the price, he hadn't been to the paradise of Tahiti once he'd been there twice, he had a wife named Glice, named after her mother's pet mice, his kids had hair lice, and the hair lice had made thousands of dollars betting on dice, the last time someone had attacked him with a knife he hadn't been stabbed, he'd merely been sliced, and he'd stolen the thousands of dollars from the lice and bought lots of nutmeg, which is a really nice spice. Which are all things almost anyone can have, but he also had the one thing everyone REALLY wants - a fun hobby. 

Unfortunately for him his hobby was really stupid. 

It was trying out different Japanese restaurants in his town. And as we all know almost all Japanese restaurants have strict 'no outside nutmeg' rules. Also his town had no Japanese people, so the local Japanese restaurants were mostly run by men who worked at the local quarry, who had learned to prepare Japanese food off a visiting astronaut who had crashed in the quarry hole and begged them not to turn him in to the local scientists at the university and then had used his green fingers to to turn seventeen rocks into tuna fish. 

I visited one of these Japanese restaurants myself one day. And I witnessed Jeremy on the unfortunate day that he inexplicably found a rock in his Cucumber and Ear of cloned Alien Seaweed Roll. Which normally isn't a big deal. But get this, he MADE a big deal about it! He even complained! Over something so tiny! I mean what a dick.

But the incident gave me an idea, and ideas fuel my scheme brain, and my scheme brain alighted my plan objective region of my brain, which was exposed because I had recently rented it out to the local scientists at the university for them to use as some weird sort of 'splicing with the green man clone efforts' or some crap. Who pays attention to these things? Who cares, I got twenty bucks.

When ideas hit you have to grab them NOW and blow them up BIG, or else they float away and get turned into butterflies, and I don't like butterflies, they remind me of birds, especially when birds are eating them, so I jumped on it, and just eight months later put it into action. 

My idea was to copy him and to start a new trend of eating bowls of rocks for meals, something that once I started, I attacked with a gusto, aplomb and a desire to be aplomb in in the gusto department. 

I ate bowls of rocks for breakfast, lunch, dinner, food between meals and even for snacks. Soon I was eating so many bowls of rocks that I was on a first name basis with the owners of all the local rock restaurants.

Fun fact: Most restaurants ARE rock restaurants, they just don't put their rock dishes on the menu because as they'd tell me 'we only sell rocks to people special enough to seek them out'. Sometimes so few people are seeking them that the restaurants seem unprepared and end up having to dig for rocks in the garden, that's how special these dishes are. 

Now why am I telling you this? I'll tell you why, because it was during one of my rock meals that something hit me, and it hit me BIG and right THEN, which at the time was NOW! 

While I'd been busy spreading this awesome new trend I'd forgotten that I was supposed to be developing a special new skill to be able to spot danger BEFORE it got me, and I NEEDED that skill, and I needed it THEN, which also was NOW at the time, and I also needed it NOW, which is NOW at THIS time. 

Just then. As I remembered. A miracle struck me. Striking me so hard that if there were ten of me and the miracle was a bowling ball I'd have been struck hard enough for it to be a strike, or maybe one of those nine pin knock downs that make you scream 'how was that not a strike you dicks!' And I knew it was a miracle because it was FRESH and NEW and came unexpected and completely out of the blue - that's right, inexplicably one of my teeth began to throb. And I knew immediately that a throbbing tooth would be an EXCELLENT danger detector. 

God had given me a gift. And he'd given it to me by letting me just decide to have it. Still I needed to double check that this was real.

'God' I cried out-loud in the loudest voice I could get out 'if this is my danger detector then please let my tooth continue to throb right now!' 

I paused.

I took stock.

I sold that stock on the black market.

Then I paused again.

My tooth was still throbbing, this WAS it! 

Then I paused again.

'Oh wait, God, is this throb a throb to answer my question, or is it to answer my question AND to let me know I'm CURRENTLY in danger, if it's the latter have it remain throbbing?' I screamed louder than a heavy metal concert played by an all steam train band, you know, you because you have to, Gods WAY up there.

I paused.

I took more stock.

I decided I didn't have the time to nick off to the black market to sell it, so I tried to sell it back to the restaurant.

Then the restaurant threw me out violently.

And as I sat on the pavement bruised and bloodied, I realized, my tooth WAS still throbbing, and I HAD been in danger! Danger of being inexplicably thrown out! 

This was BIG. And it was happening to me NOW! 

To be explained more* 

*Speaking of more, I'm dying to try more of those Cucumber and Alien Ear Seaweed Rolls by the way, there is an inexplicable familiar and comforting taste to those things, almost like a part of them is coming home*

*And where home is YUM, not two times but thrice. 

Fourteen - A Carrot Of Temptation

It was in a cold and musty room where I discovered the impetus which would lead to my special skill. There was a painting on the wall of a man on a wall. On the window sill sat a glass model of a boy making glass. On a table to my left was smaller table, and on that an even smaller table, and on that a yet even smaller table, and on that was a much, much, much larger table, fortunately the first table was about the size of a gnat, so the whole contraption only wobbled slightly, unfortunately someone had put on the table an overfull vial of a newly government developed super flu, and the vial toppled over and spilled, leading to EVERYONE getting the flu. 

I'm sure you all remember the Great Fluing Of '98. It was awesome. EVERYONE was phlegmy, so no CARED about being phlegmy. We all played with tadpoles in phlegm puddles. We went on the phlegm slides at Wet And Gooey Phlemg Recreation park. We rested our weary bones in relaxing phlegm jacuzzis. We swung off ropes into phlegm rivers. We went phlegm skiing across the local phlegm lake behind phlegm shooting speed boat propellers. And we made beautiful love in the phlegm grotto at the Playboy mansion (although technically that had been there since the sixties and so was not part of the great fluing of '98). I even heard three toddlers learned to blow their OWN noses. It was so sweet, it was their first time doing something their older sisters were trying to teach them. And it was also kind of gross, they held those tissues with their fingers, do you know how DISGUSTING toddlers' fingers are? Ewwwww.

Everyone was having fun. Except me of course. As the first person to have this particular strand of flu I got the blame, which is stupid! I mean I was also the one hired by the government to chemically develop the flu, out of some fly feces, six vats of melted treadmill tread, the phlegm of a hundred Phlegm Tailed Canyon Condors (which don't actually exist, obviously, who's stupid enough to believe such in an obviously mythical bird? Mythical things aren't real you dicks - These Condors are actually just Doves with Meryl Streep's used tissues from her crying scenes in Sophie's Choice stuck on them using the seaman from a werewolf), and the memories of two ghost monkeys fighting in a burlap sack, so surely THAT'S why I deserved to get the blame. People are such morons. 

Plus it's not my fault everyone fell for my practical joke, you know the one where I announced everyone on earth had to lick my used dinner plates or I'd release the ghost monkeys in THEIR houses.

People are so stupid, everyone knows it's annoying and tedious to try and entice ghost monkeys out of burlap sacks, do I look like someone who would do something annoying and tedious? Yes I do, obviously. And it's so boring doing something you look like you'd do. Do I look like someone who would do something I look like I'd do? Yes, clearly. So I'm NOT going to do something boring am I? That's why I pulled the practical joke in the first place, because one day Kev said 'wow you look cool today', and I was like 'so you're saying that I'll do stuff other than be cool, cause why would I look cool AND act cool, you're such a dick'. So I had to do something cool to show him! 

It was only after the seventeenth person was licking my seventeenth now empty plate of gnocchi in hash-brown sauce that something unprecedented and unique hit me 'I'm sort of full,  in fact I have been nearly all week since I started this, maybe I could just spit in people's mouths instead for a while'.

And that's what made me realize something even unprecedenteder and uniquer 'also I have tons of this flu in vials at home, I could just put it in the water supply'. 

And that's when something even unprecedentederer and uniquerer struck me in the face 'or I could just NOT spread the flu to everyone'.

And that's when something slapped my very soul with epic levels of 

unprecedentedererist and uniquererathons 'nah fuck that, why should I be the only one who feels a tad sick!' 

So I went back to eating gnocchi in hash brown sauce, and kept it up non-stop for the next three months, before I was hospitalized with a rare form of Potato Poisoning. I don't know how I got it, I hadn't eaten potato in years. I must have got it while melting the treadmill tread, some dick must have been eating potatoes while working out. Idiots. 

Three years in the hospital getting your veins one by one taken out and scraped of potato residue can give you some time to think. And I hate thinking, so I watched LOTS of TV. But then one day the TV broke, and I was FORCED to think. 

I began to feel proud. The great Fluing had happened because of ME. And, outside of the unprecedented levels of suffering, it had brought joy to the world, I'D done that. And I'd done it by making a BIG decision and making it THEN (which at the time was NOW). If I could do that I could do ANYTHING! I controlled my own destiny. If I wanted a special skill all I had to do was decide to get one. And that's why I made a BIG decision and I made it NOW! 

I decided to only ever make BIG decisions from NOW on. And the first one I made, and I made it BIG, was that as soon as I figured out how to do it, I'd decide to have that special skill right NOW. And that's just what I did. 

There's more coming to town*

*the town of Inthisstoryville*

*which would be a badass place to live, I bet they'd have cool things, like maybe they'd even have a local park, and parks are badass, and badassness is awesome, and awesomeness can be cool, wow now THAT be worth enticing out of a burlap sack! 

Off the top of my head

I know what you're thinking... 'My favorite hat is great! It's stylish, it looks good on my head, I look good with my head under it, and just ONE of those things would make headless people jealous of us, it's never once whipped me to a bloody pulp with a bike chain on a Tuesday, together we've solved more crimes than most envelope paper cuts, when lit on fire we're easy to spot on snow fields, since we've been together very few South East Asian Sea based islands have been sited sneaking off to the North West Moldavian Tar Pits, and it pairs well with two, maybe even three of my favorite belts, it's a GREAT hat! Yet, well, it's just that sometimes I think it's unsatisfied, do you think maybe it secretly wishes it could try being a sock?'

Well I know your pain. Lucky for you I have a special skill, the skill of knowing the exact signs that YOUR hat secretly wants to try being a sock, and these include and are strictly limited to the following: 

- It's always oddly quiet when you ask it if it thinks you should update your sock collection. 

- It once said 'Oooh, I'd let someone hide their jewelry in the ME draw'. 

- When you and it are on fire in the snow it always says 'I'm jealous of your socks' but NEVER clarifies 'you know, because they're in the snow and therefore not as hot as we are'. 

- Sometimes when it's startled by a spider instead of leaping with fear it merely sighs 'think of all those feet'.

- When you hang it on a hatstand near a fish tank it's always looking at the space below the fishes legless bodies and saying 'what a waste'. 

- Once, as a nice gesture before a big exam it had to sit at Hat University (HU), you gave it a lucky rabbit's foot, but instead of saying thank you it shoved you to the ground and screamed 'WHY THE FUCK WOULD I WANT THAT?' and you replied 'sorry, sorry, I know you're not the superstitious sort' and it yelled 'NO NO NO, it's not that, it's that it's CRUEL! I mean the poor thing is fucking NAKED!' 

- Sometimes when it's giving you a foot rub, and you say 'alright, that's enough, time to put my shoes on and go to work' instead of stopping it only seems to rub harder. 

- When one of your socks goes missing after you've done laundry it's often seen nearby blushing. 

- Once it said 'I'd kinda like to try being a sock one day, nah screw that, I'd REALLY like to try being a sock one day'. 

- It's a hat shaped like a foot. 

So there you go, feel pain no more, you no longer have to wonder, you can now KNOW if YOUR hat wants to have a go at being a sock. 

Oh and yes, I've been saying YOUR hat, because, ha ha, that would NEVER happen to me, what kind of an idiot gets themselves the sort of quandary where your not sure what your hat is thinking? You people are SO strange. Ha ha, I avoid nonsense like that by having daily heart to hearts with MY hats. 

Ps. Hat university? What a lame name. Come on hat centric higher learning establishments, there's no People University for fuck sake! Plus I've heard about your prejudice against berets in the Actuary Department, for fucking shame! 

Pps. Stop making your hat wonder and just let it have a go as a sock for fuck's sake. What are you scared of. Being killed? That's ludicrous. The famed People Wearing Hats As Socks Slasher hasn't been active in months! 

Things like chopsticks

Oh man if I was holding a bowl of rice right now the things I would do, the THINGS I WOULD DO!! Oh yeah, I'd do things. THINGS I tell ya!

Oh yeah I'd do things like COUNT the rice! 

I would. 

I would.

I so would count the rice. 

One, two, three AND so on! 

Like that wouldn't be the end, there'd be more than that, the so on bit...

Eight, nine, ten even! 

Fucking ten!

Oh man, if I was holding a bowl of rice right now there could TOTALLY be as many as ten rices! 

Depending on the size of the bowl.

Wow. 

Potentially ten! 

Oh man, if there were more than ten rices the things I would do, the things I WOULD DO, oh yeah I'd do things! I'm talking THINGS! 

Things like name other things that come in more than ten. 

Oh hell yeah I would.

I'd count things that come in more than ten things harder than mice count hammers in hardware stores they've broken into and don't want to be hammered in. 

I SO would. I'd count things that come in more than ten.

Trees, people, types of hat AND so on. 

Like that wouldn't be the end. I'd count even more that. If there ARE more. And there might be? Who knows? 

Well If I had that bowl of rice, then potentially I would know! 

Depending on whether there were more than ten rices. 

Which there may well be!! 

Depending on the size of the bowl size.

And most bowls aren't tiny! 

That means, to my best guess at least, that there could be at least six more things that come in more than ten! At LEAST six.

Wow. Oh man. If there were more than six more things that come in more than ten the things I would do. Things I'm saying. THINGS! 

Things like trying to remember things. Things I tell you! 

I LOVE remembering things.

I'd remember things like things that I've previously encountered like the way rats remember which hardware stores their mouse friends have been hammered in! 

I would totally remember things that had happened before. 

The past, times before now, historical occurrences of my existence AND so on.

Like that wouldn't be the end. Because WHILE I was saying that other things had happened. Like a rodent ate all my rice.

Oh fuck.