Everyone Does

Today's been one of those days. Yes THOSE days. You know the ones? Everyone does. Where you wake up and get slapped in the face, and you go 'hello, what's this, a kidnapping, yaaaaayyy' and then it's not that, so you go 'it's not a kidnapping, that's strange, then what is this?' and a murky shadow of silence whispers 'actually it would he strange if it WAS a kidnapping' and then you go 'says who' and it goes 'just about everyone actually' and you go 'actually I don't think "everyone" ever has the same relationship to experiences you dick, plus you still haven't answered the question, if it's not a kidnapping, then what IS it?' and then it goes 'it's TRUTH!' And then you go 'how can murky shadow of "silence" whisper' and it yells back 'I was being mysterious you dick!' 

We've all been there. And there is nothing you can do but RECKON with that truth, because that murky shadow of silence has a bad attitude, and who wants to deal with THAT? Frankly if a murky shadow of silence doesn't have a good attitude I don't even want them in my room pre-dawn.

So right now I'm reckoning with truth. And that's hard, because truth is subjective. 

Like take this undeniable fact: 

'Quitting pie is often the fastest way to delinquency! The fastest!'

It's as true as the sky is blue, and the hue is too, but rarely is glue and that you shouldn't try to poo out a screw. 

And it's especially true for kids that are part of the 'jam them full of pie, that'll stop them being delinquent I reckon. But still, hey, between you and me, how cool is delinquency man! It's a gem. It's got mischief, shenanigans no good up toness, and sometimes even thieving, and theiving is super fun, especially when you realize realistically that you can just about always thieve delicious stuff, oooohh stuff like pie, mmmm pie, I could go some pie right now, wish we didn't give it all to these little delinquent shits, let's go steal some' program. 

Which if you ask me was a fine program, super fine even. 

And well, sure it had its draw backs, the name was a tad long, and some of its developers turned out to be thieves, and over all it proved to increase, rather than decrease, total delinquency, but hardly any of the kids on the program were delinquent while they were actually eating the pie.

Well, sure some of them were truant from school while they were eating the pie, but I think that has just as much to do with the fact that sign ups for the program happened during school hours, and right in front of the school, and on test day, so you can't blame them for that particular act of delinquency, the truancy that is. 

But when the program ran out of pie almost every one of them turned to delinquency. Especially seeing as they ran out of pie at 2:43am and all of them had curfews between 11pm and 1am. Oh and also because the pies turned out to be laced with drugs. Which were illegal in the town this program began. 

Regardless of these small obstacles though, TRUTH shone through. Stopping eating pie led to delinquency FAST!

So if you don't want to be a delinquent don't quit pie today. Although I heard delinquency is a gem. So feel free to go that way too. 

Okay, truth reckoned with successfully, it turned out in this case their was no element open to subjective opinion, so that's nice.

But I'm still not satisfied, why DIDN'T the murky shadow of silence want to kidnap me? I'm a good kid.

Also how come no one ever shoved my face full of free pie? It really has just been one of those days. But you know what it's like. Everyone does. 

Boldly doing stuff

'Okay! I'm gonna do it. No no no, I HAVE to do it'. 

That's the type of awesome, pumped up, call to arms as said, nay SCREAMED, by people who do stuff, and more specifically stuff like 'it', and when I hear things like that it reminds me of things. Things like the fact that here at Fleeting Forever we have a bold mission statement: Do stuff. 

And here at Fleeting Forever we're not the type of people who take things lightly. Consider these four points on things we do or do not take lightly:

1. We do NOT take 'mission statements' lightly.

2. We do NOT take 'boldness' lightly.

3. We DO take being places lightly (especially heavy places, like clouds made of refined lead floating in vats of oil, with the vats being on fire, and with cracks in the vats, and with the vats being located above the flimsy ceiling of a children's school, the flimsiness being a result of letting the students do most of the carpentry work, which turned out to be a mistake, despite it being a rousing success at the 'adult school of advanced carpentry: that is carpentry school for students already quite advanced in the skill of carpentry', so the fact that it didn't work at this school baffled school administrators, yet not as much as their failed 'let's let the school's pet gnats decide where to keep vats of dangerous stuff' program, I mean what sort of idiots let the kids pick what sort of school pet they get? Everyone knows kids choose whichever animal is most likely to light stuff on fire!) 

4. And we do NOT take 'have' lightly!

That's right. So at best we could justify taking the decree to 'do stuff' one quarter lightly, but we wont. We CAN'T. Because one quarter is a TINY amount. Consider one quarter of these things:

1. An atom of an ant.

2. The memories of a blind worm.

3. Jupiter.

4. A small breath of air as breathed by a small air breathing air bubble.

Yep, only one forth of that even amounts to anything, and even though that particular one fourth amounts to more stuff than on the entire of planet earth I think we've still proven that a quarter of stuff is nothing. 

We also won't take quarter lightly because if we do then a quarter of us will legally have to jump on that vat, and those school kids will then be crushed and burned due to their own laxidasical and poorly thought out pet choices, and nothing BUT that, which is exactly HOW that should go down. I mean gnats, seriously? Of course they're going to be haphazard with vats, they're totally pissed off their name rhymes with wats, because 'wats' aren't anything, and who would ever want their name to rhyme with something that doesn't at least a quarter exist? 

So we ARE going to 'do stuff'. And because we've talked about it so much already we're going to make sure we do it boldly, and if we're going to do something boldly we're going to make the thing we do a bold thing, and there is nothing bolder than making a bold statement! Except of course there is - making a bold statement BOLDLY! 

Here goes, consider these four boldly stated statements:

1. You shouldn't hug garbage.

2. Spinal Dysophage Disease doesn't sound that nice.

3. Cheese is often kept in the fridge.

4. Being stabbed in the eye sounds unpleasant. 

Boom.

Yeah we fucking did it. Clearly all four of those statements was stated boldly, but one out of four of those statements was also in itself BOLD! And as we've established one out of four of things is kick ass! 

And yes, yes, fucking yes, I hear the doubters, I hear the cries, I hear the naysayers, I even hear he lollygaggers, and I hear the voices of reason.

'Which one was bold'

'Not always'

'Depends what sort of cheese'

'What the hell ARE we?' 

'Yeah, we know, it's a cold dairy product, of course it goes in the fridge'. 

But you can all shut it.

And by 'it' I mean your mouth. 

And by 'shut' I mean something akin to open but not quite, depending on how you feel. 

Because we here at Fleeting Forever do stuff, and when we say that you can once again count that stuff will be DONE. 

By which of course all I really mean is - hey who the fuck left the cheese out on my kitchen bench? Don't you know it's supposed to go in the fridge

Also I think my pet small air breathing air bubble has stopped breathing, anyone know how to give CPR to something with an outer membrane less strong than a gnats pinky toe? I really could do with it living, it's supposed to tell me by tomorrow where I should keep my melting cauldron of liquid hydrogen encased in a crate made out of killer bees! 

Late Saturday Night Thoughts As Delved On Wednesday

Sometimes I can't help but focus on the fact that I'm a silly monkey full of starlight juice, and stars are hard to juice because they're so pulpy, so while you're squeezing them you often get distracted doing Tarantino quotes from Pulp Fiction, which can lead to doing tarantula quotes, and some people claim tarantulas can't talk so you have to throw snakes at them, which are a natural enemy of monkeys, reminding you that focus is hard, and maybe you need to update your glasses prescription. You know? 

Wait, I'm sorry, I take it back. I think it's Thursday now. 

Still, fuck you pulp. 

Thirteen - Crying Darkness

I'd officially made the official decision to develop an amazing new skill and have it made official. And making a decision to develop an amazing new skill is no small thing. It requires an official declaration for one thing. Which can include a lot of annoying paper work. But that's just the start. As surprisingly actually developing the skill can also require some difficulty. Sometimes even extreme lengths are required. And it's tough to get a length officially registered as extreme, so I knew that NO part of this would be easy.

For example I once knew a guy who decided one day to develop the skill of x-Ray vision. To facilitate this he first officially declared that he wanted this skill, obviously. Then he did all the paperwork. And then he plucked his eyes out with a fork, stuck them in the microwave on high for three minutes, then finished them off in the sandwich press for a further four minutes! 

And that's when he realized something NOW, and it turned out to be BIG! 

He realized that he'd accidentally gotten the instructions for developing x-Ray vision mixed up with his own personal preferred method for reheating pizza. 

It was a crying shame too, shame being what he felt in his eye ducts, something they found heart breaking, leading them to leak, and leaking eye ducts always made him sad, and sadness made him cry. 

I mean he'd done SO much to get those instructions. 

This is how it went down - he'd paid a mysterious and scary man in a turban in the back of dark, dark and extremely smokey car wash cafe twelve bucks. And that was no small feat. The the man hardly just offered to sell them for twelve bucks at his regular selling spot, my friend had to MAKE this happen. 

This is how it went down - my friend had gone to get a coffee at his favorite coffee place. He liked it there because he'd always wanted to meet someone who could drive a car, and he thought this was as good as place as any. Plus it was only a ten minute taxi ride from his house. So he'd been going ever day for months hoping to eventually get the confidence to talk to someone. But before he did he saw someone else is wanted to meet even more, this was a NEW goal and it was FRESH! You see he'd spotted a man in a turban. 

This was a HUGE opportunity, and he had to act on it NOW, and in a BIG way. So he immediately smashed the light bulbs out with a chair to create some dark, dark atmosphere. Next he mugged a magician for his smoke machine, and set it up. Then he kicked it a few times because it wouldn't work. Then he looked up instructions on how to make it work on the Internet, where he discovered that the plastic cylinder labeled 'water container' was not indeed a cylinder that MADE water, but rather one that REQUIRED water. So he had to run out and track down the magician. Which was hard, as he had to attend fourteen different magic shows to find him, which sucked because he had to be careful not to watch a single trick being performed, knowing full well that if he couldn't figure out how they did the tricks, he'd have to go back stage and kick the magicians in the kneecaps once for each time he'd been fooled, and he didn't have time for that, because he had a magician to find! Then when he finally found HIS magician he kicked him in the kneecaps and yelled 'that's for not telling me that your machine didn't MAKE water but instead REQUIRED it, you dick!' 

Then he ran back to the car wash cafe, now suitably smokey and dark, dark as he'd desired for the atmosphere he desired, with dark, dark and smokey being his desired atmosphere of smokiness and dark, darkness. 

Lucky the man in the turban was still there. Well not really luckily, some how his car had kept getting mud sprayed on it. By which I mean my friend had mugged a magnetician for his mud sprayer (but that's a whole other story - just know this, the way it went down was fun and exciting, and included bad ass things such as magnets! And even mud!)

He now gingerly and warily approach the man in the turban and gave him a big hug and sloppy kiss, and said 'wow, I've heard about guys like you, and I've heard that guys with those head things, in dark, dark and smokey places always have secret magic! And and I've ALWAYS wanted to experience magic but the opportunity never arises for some reason, it's bullshit, magic people are such dicks, so show me a trick!'

The man in the turban had been caught out, but he wasn't going to give it up yet 'I don't know any tricks, you racist' he replied. 

'Yeah you do' my friend now said with conviction 'you're just scared I won't be able to guess how you did the trick and I'll kick you in the kneecaps, but I won't, unless it's REALLY hard to guess' he added as reassurance.  

'Oh WHAT an OFFER, how could ANYONE resist that' the man in the turban responded with a weird questioning sing-song tone in his voice, a tone that screamed loud and clear, screaming 'you got me!' 

'Okay show me' my friend said.

'I don't want to' came the reply.

'Please?' Came a further request.

'Nah'

'But I want to see one, I really, really want to see magic. Let's say this - I'll hurt if you don't show me. But if you do I promise I won't kick you in the kneecaps if I can't figure it out, I'm not a violent man promise'.

'Nah, still don't want to'. The man in the turban replied arrogantly. 

'Please?'

'Look I don't know any tricks, honestly, but I do have something else' he suddenly said with a cheeky look in his eye. 

'I want it, I WANT it, give it'.

'No pay me twelve bucks'. 

'That's actually very reasonable, why do people resort to violence and muggings so often when perfectly fine financial transactions are available?' 

After an extreme lengthy conversation was had about the nature of economics and the flaws of a capitalist society was concluded, with the required paperwork finished to made the length officially declared extreme, twelve dollars was handed over, and that's when the man in the turban got serious, and handed over a list, that to the layman appeared to just be a list of standard items available at a supermarket. 

'Hey I'm a layman you dick' said my friend 'what is this?' 

'Um' replied the man in the turban 'um, well, um, are there any skills you've been wanting to acquire?' 

'Yes, x-Ray vision!'

'Oh wow, fluke, cause that's EXACTLY what buying these things and delivering them to me here, oh and possibly some other tasks, will gain you, I will give you further instructions on your return!' 

'Of course!' My friend yelled. 'I always wondered why people purchased food at supermarkets instead of just mugging people for it, clearly they've been acquiring x-Ray vision, and now I will too! 

But because he didn't know that acquiring amazing new abilities was hard, he'd gotten too complacent. And decided to go home to reheat some pizza first. And well we all know where that went wrong. 

When he put his sizzling eyes back in his head he realized his fuck up 'ah man' he sighed 'I can only see through stuff if I squint REALLY hard, and everyone seems to have black charcoal colored skeletons, I don't want to see that'.

Then after finishing the man in the turban's detailed and difficult tasks he ended up with three slices of pepperoni deep dish pizza living in his car that use the x-Ray vision THEY got to mock his underwear choices RELENTLESSLY (stock mock: you should wear SOME underwear you gross bastard, seriously, or shower occasionally, maybe both even?) 

I've of course since also mocked my friend relentlessly for the relentless mocking he cops, how could I not? The problem is this man is ME! That's right, I'm my own friend, that's a win for me you dicks! So imagine how much relentless mocking he'd get from me if it was someone else? 

I'd HATE to be mocked that much. That's why I HATE trying to develop new skills now. Unless their importance is BIG, and their importance imminent, in fact so important and imminent that their imminence is important NOW! 

Like it was in the case with this waiter, and luckily I had a skill developed NOW and that's BIG, but to have it now first I'd had to develop it, and its development had to be GOOD and it therefore it had to be developed SMART! 

Here's how I did it...

Explanation coming* 

*Note this explanation includes very little magic, so your risk of having to kick me in the kneecaps is minimal, REALLY minimal! That's the truth, and I ALWAYS* tell the truth

*By the way I lied above, I didn't do my own paperwork. This is how it went down -  I had Kev do it. 

Twelve - Popping Safety Attack

Amazing skills are hard to come by. I once heard of a guy who pick pocketed eight hundred and twenty seven people to try and get a special skill, and he did it at a massive police convention, and he pick pocketed them on the stage in front of ten thousand cops, right after the marching band played and right before the talk on 'staying alert', and he didn't get caught for a single one, and EVEN he didn't acquire his desired special skills, he didn't even get ONE! 

So I don't want you to take your special skills for granted, if you have any, which you don't, but I do, so don't take mine for granted dick.

Here's how I discovered my newest and most amazing skill, the skill to always know when danger lurks:

It was a hot and sweaty day the day this happened, as it was International Sauna Day, and Scandinavians had stormed city squares, parks, gathering spaces, bird nests, beaches, offices of actuaries, food courts with foods from around the world 'yet no Norwegian Pickled Herring Desert Huts?, "around" the world my ass' , football players underwear draws, the inside of hollowed out not yet formed holes in the ground, and even food courts that DID have Norwegian Pickled Herring Dessert Huts, and these Scandinavians had set up Saunas the size of LARGE saunas, REALLY large saunas, and they were screaming at their hostages 'just try it, it's actually really relaxing, why do you think our nations have such low crime rates?' But little did the Scandinavians know that they WERE trying it, EVERYONE was, the Scandinavians had forgotten to close the sauna doors and the whole world had become a sauna! 

I'm sure you all remember the Great Sweating Of '97. It was awesome. EVERYONE was sweaty, so no cared about being sweaty. We went rafting on sweat rivers. And we swam in sweat pools. We splashed about under fire hydrants spraying sweat across roads. And we made love under sweat waterfalls. I heard three Eskimos even went skinny dipping in a warm bubbling pond of sweat. It was their first ever encounter with warm water! It was so awesome! And of course kind of gross, none of them had ever been naked before, and it turns out those Eskimo outfits are a tad sweaty on the inside, yuck! 

Everyone was out enjoying the fun. Except me of course. I don't follow trends, I START them. So I was inside having a bath in ice, a new trend that I'd started after seeing Scandinavians jump in snow after delightful saunas. Man that looked nice, I wish I could try it. 

Just then a REAL LIFE ghost monkey invaded my home! It was running around pushing things over. Breaking stuff. And picking things up it had pushed over then breaking them and pushing them back over. And there was NOTHING I could do. It had disguised itself as a human, so I couldn't call it implausible, I was stuck. 

And that's when it did something BIG and it did it NOW! 

It began screaming at me...

'That's for whipping my brother Kev all the time you dick, among other ways you treat him bad, STOP it!' 

I was dumbfounded. 

'I have NEVER whipped a ghost monkey you dick!' I screamed. 'I only whip my HUMAN friend Kev. How dare you accuse me of that. Cruelty to animals is cruel, and if I did something cruel it would cruel my chances to get into The Society Of People Who Don't Like Cruel Stuff, and I REALLY want to get in to that society, I have a really cruel practical joke I want to play on them. Get this, I'm going change the official records so that some birds I have had officially denied, get put down as having previously existed, but say they were killed off by The Society Of People Who Don't Like Cruel Stuff, then I'm going to release a canary in their office that I'd nailed-gunned bubble wrap too, so they'd think it was a previously thought extinct African Rasping Elephant Vulture, and then I'm going to laugh at them!  I'm just waiting for a canary to volunteer. So I would NEVER be cruel to a ghost monkey, or anything else, you dick!' 

Then I ran out of the house. And I put locks on all the doors, and windows, and covered the entire home in air sealing gel, except one hole, that I used to gas the place, with some of the immense supply of mustard gas I'd found in my dead granddad's (a war hero), home and kept because I had at first misread it as being mustard gaffe, and I thought 'ha ha, can't even spell gas, you idiots', and which I'd been using to set booby traps on my mail box to try and get the paperboy to throw my paper at the front door like they did on those TV shows, and because that lazy paperboy started walking it to my front door instead, three postmen had ended up in hospital. Well done paperboy you dick! 

The ghost monkey seemed to not believe my very truthful explanation though, because I could hear him still breaking stuff, for some reason he really wanted to break my front door, which he did, then he ran down the road, yelling 'you're nuts, you're really nuts'. So I yelled back 'jokes on you ghost monkey, no one likes name callers, you dick!' 

Then I realized something BIG, and I realized it NOW! 

'Oh my god, are you stupid?' I said to myself. 'A ghost monkey can just go THROUGH doors. Therefore it CAN'T break them. Therefore that CAN'T have been a ghost monkey!!!!!!' 

It was now very clear what had just taken place. 

That must have been a ghost LEMUR! And I HAD been whipping a ghost lemur's bother Kev. I mean it had asked me to. I'd never be cruel. But still, whoops. I was SO embarrassed. REALLY embarrassed. 

And thats when I realized I needed to figure out a way to stop things like from keep happening to me. I need to spot danger BEFORE horrible things, like me getting embarrassed, happened again. And I needed to figure out this danger spotting method NOW, and it had to be BIG! 

There's more coming*

*oh I like that one, simple and straight to the point* it's nice to find something purely nice and helpful

*the fun end of a spear, often with blood dripping off! 

Eleven - Hot Endowment Snorts

There's an Ancient Chinese saying of wisdom that I coined recently – ‘If you're headless and you ride a horse you're the headless horseman, but if you're headless and you ride an evil robot dragon that's probably how you lost your head you idiot!’ 

I like this saying for four main reasons:

1. It's very wise.

2. Because I came up with it.

3. It's a reminder that there is danger everywhere, at all times and it wants YOU! 

(Fact: Danger lies in bed at night dreaming of you. It wakes up in the morning and wipes it's phlegmy drool on its still sleeping lover's face just rabid for you. Danger sometimes even sits bolt upright at its desk at work, with steel fire in its eyes, and has to walk over to its boss and say 'mind if I take a quick break boss, I'm feeling insane desire for you again' and sometimes it's boss says 'again? Look you can't take another break until the Harrison account is balanced okay, I'm sick of you letting your personal life come into this office, we're accountants damn it, numbers ARE our personal lives, not deep seated yearning for people' and that makes danger covet you even more, so much so that sometimes it replies 'but boss, please, I don't just yearn you, I CRAVE you, I boil with lustful NEED for you, like a perfectly boiled batch of French Fries' and then danger goes home and thinks to itself 'man sometimes I feel like I missed my calling by becoming an accountant, but you have to take the safe option in life sometimes don't you, I mean I want everyone, especially you, and I can't get them following some fancy pipe-dream "fun" career'. Yep danger wants you BAD! And you may think that you're safe while its at work, but I'll tell ya, when that Harrison account is balanced danger could be on break ANYTIME!)

4. It has a cool evil robot dragon in it.

The wisdom of this saying has affected me deeply, and it's in my deep spots where I make decisions, and my deep spots are always deciding to say to me 'listen to wisdom, and listen to it NOW, then respond to it with something BIG!'

Now if there is one thing people all know about me, it's that if I need to do something BIG, and if it has to be done NOW, then I always, ALWAYS, do that thing NOW, and I make it happen in a BIG way!

That’s why since this saying came into my life, over the following months I instantly made lots of changes. I bought stocks in several mechanics and technology companies, hoping to make some of that sweet evil robot dragon cash for myself. I fired my accountant after I realized he was probably taking way too many breaks. And I started to come up with ways to spot danger BEFORE it got me.

I tried several methods before I found one that worked, walking around yelling 'I see you there, you can't hide from me!' hoping that danger wouldn't know that I was lying. Bathing in squid slime every morning hoping that danger would abhor the smell as much as I did. And having my mate Kev walk three feet in front of me at all times while constantly whipping him with a bullwhip hoping danger would think that I was on its side. All these methods worked at times, but then for some reason strangers would look at me funny, sometimes even with scorn, and I knew that it was danger at work letting me know I hadn't beaten it.

Then God intervened - and gave me a gift. 

God's given me lots of gifts so far in my life, including but not limited to:

- Perfect powers of perception. 

- Dream ability to detect the presence of people who are dicks.

- The skill to pretend to be a ghost monkey for periods up to twelve minutes without a single person pointing out that this was implausible (today I got away with it for nearly twenty eight seconds, which is EASILY within up to twelve minutes).  

- A capacity to never be on a farm for more than four minutes without saying 'a farm, seriously, why would you bring ME here, you dick, why are you ALWAYS bringing me here?' 

- The power to be on a farm and spook the cows WITHOUT spooking the pigs.

- The aptitude to then prove I still wasn't scared of the cows, by climbing into the bull pit.

- The dexterity to say 'yes I WILL really prove it' then slapping a bull in the face. 

- The competence to tell my friends to video what would then take place. 

- Discovering now that that dick Kev had totally worn out my bullwhip, but then having the talent to then only get gored in the soft bits of my torso.

- The intelligence to look up 'ability' in the thesaurus while in the hospital waiting for my wounds to heal.

- And the resourcefulness to tell my friends 'I've been cooped up in a hospital bed all week, you owe me, take me somewhere please, oh I know, some where rural, that'll be a nice change from a hospital for sure'.

And then one day God gave me a yet another new thing: 

- A facility to know whenever danger lurked. 

The waiter had made it clear that clearly he wanted to be really clear in that he was clearly hard to read, and so clearly I had a clear goal in mind, figure out WHY he wanted to be hard to read. 

'Stop that, it's implausible' he said to me as I flawlessly ghost monkeyed throughout the restaurant for twenty eight seconds, 'you're a hero, how can I ever repay you?' He added, adding to his clear need to be hard to read. 

And it was right then that I noticed my danger notifier going off. It wasn't clear why. But that's just how it is when the danger is BIG and in my face NOW, so clearly whatever was about to happen was about to happen NOW, and it sure was going to be BIG! 

To be continued*

*Yes I know that was the first one, but I think sometimes it's okay to go back to the beginning, in fact it probably always is, PERFECTLY* okay! So fuck you if you think it's not. 

*Another word for 'clearly an exaggeration*, what are you trying to hide you dick!' 

*Something I have the dexterity to NEVER do. 

A Moving Tale

'I know I said it, but I was just upset, I didn't mean it, I don't need the ENTIRE world on my side, I just need YOU on my side' said Clarice, with a tear in her eye, and love in her voice, to her husband Greg. 

This panicked him. 

Not because as a surprise he'd hired three local gardeners to start digging up the entire Western Hemisphere and start dumping it on her side of the bed, with at least several wheelbarrow loads expected by the time breakfast was finished, and that he didn't know how to tell her that after braking a handle one of them had borrowed HER shovel.

Nor because as another surprise he'd already had seventeen thousand bulldozers work overnight to dump the entire Eastern Hemisphere onto her side of the bed, and he didn't know how to tell her that some of them had forgotten to take their shoes off before climbing in the bedroom window.

Nor even because he had forgotten to tell those shovel wielders and  bulldozer operators to remember exactly where each individual bit they'd dug up came from so they could put them back exactly where they got them from, meaning now that those bits WERE going back that the odd bit may be put back in the wrong place. 

Not even because of the overtime pay he was going to have to fork out to all these workers to try and figure it out so that the bits were back in at least some place near their origin by the end of the work day so no one would complain at him about their bits missing, knowing full well that once word got out about the pay structure that the bulldozer operators were going to complain about having to share between seventeen thousand for half the world, but the other guys only had to do a three way split, and probably were going to get several more days work than they got too.

And not even because of the complaints he now realized he was going to get from people pointing out that East and West aren't true hemispheres and that if you're going to dump the entire world somewhere to at least break it up into Northern and Southern. 

No he was panicking because he didn't WANT to be on her side of the bed, 'if I did then why the fuck did I spend all that money for the ample space of a king sized' He wanted to scream.

But he didn't. He was more worried about how to tell her that due to a bulldozer operator mistakenly and stupidly taking the suggestion that he 'take a break' literally, that one of her prized paintings of famous sports injuries resulting in horrendous broken bones had been stolen. 

Which was so sad, those were a gift from him that he'd stolen from the Broken Bone Hall Of Fame after she'd told him that 'when it came to present gifting in the near future he should take a break'.

Asshole. If you can't trust a bulldozer operator then who can you trust? It really is just so hard to find good help these days.

Delicious Flying Solutions

I know what you're thinking...

"Dave, I'm constantly being challenged to 'Make A Milkshake Out Of One Of Your Old Shoes' competitions, but I'm just too scared to enter, because they seem so hard to win, help please?"

And you're right, you SHOULD be scared, you're life is on the line! Always! I mean just think about meteorites, ALWAYS think about meteorites. Fact - no one that's ever been killed by a meteorite has since gone on to say 'and it was funny, because I was thinking about meteorites AS it hit me'. Not one. 

And you SHOULD think in question form. Fact - if you think exclusively in questions then by definition you will be unable to answer anything and therefore you will never be wrong again, except maybe about choices in friends, I mean seriously? Harry? That dick NEVER thinks about meteorites. 

And you're questions SHOULD be addressed to me. Fact - I'm ace. 

So I'm proud of you. You're doing great. 

But you're still an idiot. Because 'Make A Milkshake Out Of One Of Your Old Shoes' competitions are fucking EASY to win. You morons.

You just have to go back in time and spend a few months wearing shoes made out of milk. 

Boom. 

Ps. For more information about how to avoid being hit by meteorites buy my book - How To Avoid Being Hit By Meteorites (Advice From Someone You Can Trust Cause He's Been Hit By Less Than Three Meteorites, Or More Precisely Two) By David Tieck, available now at all your favorite meteorite themed Cafe Bookstores (exclusively in the Southern Hemisphere).

Whoops, just gave away another of the tricks - stay in the Southern Hemisphere, I mean duh, they come from UP you morons. 

Don't jump to conclusions!

So this is weird. Get this bullshit. Get a load of this crap. My friend, Joseph, just said to me, 'Dave' he said 'why did you just turn into a living poster advertising the coming tour of a metal band that sings film Noir styled songs, then climb a tree and turn a rainbow into a cloud before burping up some kitchen linoleum flooring'? 

And I'm like 'mate', 'mate' I said, 'you KNOW my dad was part living poster advertising a thrash band that sings Romantic Comedy styled songs and I WILL NOT BECOME MY FATHER, I WILL NOT! So don't question why I didn't become that.

And my friend Roger, the candy flavored rocking-horse was on fire, and the fire was black because it, obviously, was being fueled by dried kraken jawbone, and everyone knows, EVERYONE knows, that if you try to put out a black fire fueled with kraken jawbone with standard rain from a cloud that never was and NEVER will be a rainbow then the black fire rejects the water and instead turns into a brush with a cute stranger whom you can never track down, and that sucks, so I don't know how you treat YOUR friend candy flavored rocking-horses, but no fucking way am I going to do that to MY friend candy flavored rocking-horse, I mean he's already on fire, how much pain do you want him to be in, plus he wouldn't taste as nice all burned. 

And linoleum kitchen flooring just TASTES GOOD! Duh. Of course I ate too much of it. I like the classic black and white checker myself, but an old school pale yellow can be nice too, and I know you think it's out of fashion, but taste doesn't go out of fashion, taste is absolute, taste you can fucking rely on! But ok, I guess it's a tad weird I burped up some scuffed grey. But my linoleum kitchen floor guy is out of town, so I ate some left over from a sample basket he gave me once. Like you've never eaten something that wasn't your absolute favorite because it was free, of course you fucking have. 

So don't be a dick, Joseph' I explained. 

It still sucks though. You know? It's like some people just WANT to think you're weird, even when there is a perfectly logical explanation for everything you do. I mean what a dick. 

I'm so mad I barely sky dived off a bag of scandal like I normally do before bed. 

Oh no, I can't win, now he's going to think missing my routines is weird! 

Fuck you Joseph. 

Prognosis Partiality

'There was a segment of ear phones there' he said to me. 

And I replied 'oh okay' and walked away as fast as I possibly could. 

I did NOT want to hear more about that. Seems like these days when people find segments of things they then don't want to shut the fuck up about them. On and on and on they go. NO ONE CARES. It's just a segment of something. 

We've all been there:

'Hey, I found part of a car, let me bore you with tales of it for six hours' they'll say. 

'Yo, I discovered a bit of a t-shirt in my underwear draw, and I'll now succumb you to a coma by sharing some source theories' they'll go.

'Oh I found a segment of that missing

seven million dollars from the bank in my wife's handbag, and when I confronted her on it she admitted that she'd been responsible for the crime, and also seven murders, twelve convenience store heists, and had once stolen an entire freight train which she had buried in our back yard but when I tried to to dig it up all I found was a full sized dead alien that was still eighty percent inside its spaceship that was made from laughter, happiness, opportunity, and fairness in such massive qualities that endless worldwide elation could be produced by merely sneezing on it, and I was hoping to borrow some pepper to help make it happen' they'll begin. 

Shut the fuck up! Talk to me

when you've found the ENTIRE of something you dick. I DON'T want to hear another fucking segment story. Some people. My god. So fucking boring. 

Oh on another note, I've lost a segment from my ear phones, if anyone finds them please tell me, it's so fucking annoying having to buy WHOLE new ones, when all you need is a segment. 

Star upon a dream

His mommy had told him to 'dream big'. And his daddy had told him to 'chase his dreams as hard as he could'. And luckily Harold DID have a dream, and he dreamed about it as often as he could, and he was going to chase it as HARD as he could. 

Fortunately for him all Harold dreamed of was to jump over a puddle one day. 

Unfortunately for him there were a few slight problems with this dream, including: 

- It hadn't rained where Harold lived in like forever. 

- He didn't own any gumboots. 

- Even if he did, gumboots would be hard to jump in. 

- And he didn't own any better jumping shoes. 

- And he couldn't jump at all without shoes on. 

- And he didn't know where he could get shoes.

- And even if he did he didn't know how to put on shoes. 

- Also he didn't have any toes, so no shoes would really work out for him.

- Especially seeing as he had no feet.

- Also he didn't have any legs.

- Which meant that even if he attained toes or feet he'd have nowhere to put them.

- And even if he found somewhere to put them it would probably be really expensive to put them there. 

- And putting them there would be nowhere near as good as having them attached there.

- And having things attached is often even more expensive than having things put. 

- Which is bullshit because finding a good put guy can be just as hard as finding a good attach guy. 

- And in these economically downturned times who has the time to put into spending money on finding people? 

- Especially to put into finding an inadequate put guy. 

- As it was Harold ALREADY had significantly limited time to spend on leisure time. 

- Because he didn't even know what the word 'leisure' meant. 

- So why isolate time for it.

- And even if he did he isolate time for it, he didn't own any leisure clothes to leisure in. 

- And even if he did he attain some leisure clothes, he didn't know what leisure clothes were, so he wouldn't be able to grab them. 

- Let alone know how to put them on. 

- And even if he did know what they were, and how to put them on, what would be the point of wearing leisure clothes if he didn't have any shoes.

- Or knowledge of what to do with shoes.

- And he DIDN'T even have toes.

- Or feet.

- Or legs. 

- Also it was a stupid, stupid, stupid dream. 

- As he was around water ALL the time anyway, the stupid idiot. 

- So why not dream about some completely dry spot?

- What a moron.

- It's almost like that tiny brain of his barely even worked. 

- And his brain WAS tiny.

- Because he was a fish

- And it was hard being a fish.

- Because when your a fish if you dream of somewhere dry people call you a moron.  

- Plus he didn't know yet that his girlfriend, the pretty star, was secretly planning to eat him. 

- Also he thought he was dating a completely different species which was cool.

- But he didn't know the star was a starfish. 

- Which is just another kind of fish. 

- At least in name.

- And what sort of stupid fish wants to date a stupid fish? 

- Plus he didn't even know he was a fish. 

- And even if he did know that he was a fish he probably wouldn't like it.

- Because he'd probably soon find out that he did in fact have a gumboot.

- In fact he lived in a sunken one.

- And who wants to find out that they've been telling people that they don't even know what gumboots are when it turns out they live in one? 

But on a nicer note he liked the taste of his own poop. 

Awww.

Happy endings sure are nice. 

Burrowing In the Apple

Jerry, the bookworm, was in a bookstore looking for a book on the topic of  - Things that you cannot find on your typical train – Things like:

-       Elephants talking to small illiterate dogs.

-       People who respect their fellow humans right to be humans that follow fashionable friendship protocol to forget highfaluting fantasies involving regular acceptable human emotions as filtered through an unstoppable need to at least twice a day scream “skyscraper” at several two to four story buildings that have clearly failed to live up to their potential floor number capabilities.

-       Clean floors.

But this particular bookstore only had books on - Things that you can always find on your typical atypical train – Things like:

-       Sandwich faced hat-making ghosts.

-       Floating self aware machines that can’t tell the difference between hope and harpooned scarecrows, but that are flawless at telling the difference between sand-papered scalps and sand-blasted bubbles of knowledge generated by unscrupulous tactics in carnation growing farming.

-       Dirty floors.

With the type of book he was looking for grossly unrepresented Jerry decided to not purchase anything on this trip to the bookstore.

Patrice, the bookstore owner, was saddened by this lack of purchase. Partly because she really needed the sale, or else the bookstore risked bankruptcy, and because she had ordered that book in specifically thinking it was right up Jerry’s alley, especially seeing as he had previously purchased books on – Things you can sometimes find on some trains but not other trains depending on when you’re on the train – and even weird books like – Things on boats.

In frustration she decided to write her own book on – Things that she wished she could find on your regular every day typical train – Things like:

-       Magazines that are no longer published covering topics of gross misinformation regarding what it should take to uncover the meaning behind greasy clouds giving speeches on the lack of opportunities they’re given to shine in social settings versus the regular hate mechanics which percolate beneath the surface of giant clocks which can’t fit on your average train leading to unlikely collusion with purple dyed silk dresses, due to their mutual friendship with the thought making miscreants of the overlord controlled underclasses.

-       Tennis players with no hands, or feet, and with personalities peppered with influence caused by their life long highlights being inconsequential meetings with high class leading religious leader’s hand maiden turncoats conspiracies

-       Floors that were recently cleaned but subsequently had a bit of dirt get on them.

Jerry bought a copy, and the bookstore was saved!

The end.

Ps. Yay, isn’t a happy ending nice sometimes?

Pps: And they also ended up getting together romantically.

Ppps: Awwww, isn’t a SUPER happy ending nice sometimes?

Pppps: Then the elephant sat on the illiterate dog.

Ppppps: God damn it!

Ten - Piercing Insight

I'm a very perceptive guy. 

Like when I find a severed foot on a golf course I can usually tell within three or four minutes if it came off me.

I don't need to put salt on my fries because I'm smart enough to boil them in sea water. 

If I have erectile dysfunction I just dip it in it hard drying hair gel.

I can solve any math problem merely by adding in the element of a ghost monkey and then declaring the whole thing implausible. 

I always cook blind folded so that EVERY ingredient is a secret sauce, I'm so good that I can even make something a simple as finely sliced carrots taste like a really, really bloody steak. 

I've never had my house robbed because I've put so many locks on it even I can't get inside anymore. 

Whenever I'm riding my bike I make SURE to crash into a wall because I believe that if you don't help your helmet to fulfill its destiny, then why would it ever help you fulfill yours? 

When it's raining I don't need to use an umbrella because I just pretend I'm swimming and that I'm very, very bad at it. 

I'll never be the victim of an unsolved murder because I have a clause in my will that says 'if I was murdered just look for the dick!'

I've managed to go my entire life without spending a cent on dishcloths saving truckloads, anytime I need to do the dishes I merely stay a night in a fancy hotel, pack all my dishes, and wash them in the bathroom sink using a face cloth. 

I once pretended I didn't know what 'horticulture' was for an entire day without a single person calling me out on it.

So yep, clearly I'm a perceptive guy, I'm a VERY perceptive guy, and as I looked at the waiter now my perceptions were telling me that if I was being perceptive right now there'd be a benefit to perceiving everything perceptible in this situation, unfortunately I couldn't concentrate on my perceptions right now, because the waiter was distracting me by yelling at me. That dick. 

'You're a hero!' He was yelling 'your six beautifully timed kicks to my kneecap has fixed my decades long kneecap displacement, thank you, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU! I can walk without pain again! I'll be able to play with my kids again! I can finally visit my mother who is bed ridden on the third floor of a hospital, I thought I wouldn't get to see her ever again, it was the hardest most heart breaking thing of my life! But I can walk again, I can WALK again! This is real, my life can matter again, my life has changed, because of you!! This man, EVERYONE applaud this man. I can never repay you. But here, here's my car keys, have my car, I'm WALKING home tonight!' He was yelling.

I mean what a dick, who just yells like that, plus 'this man' I have a name dick. And does this car come with my insurance, and a parking spot? Where am I supposed to put it? Plus it was SEVEN kicks, was he ignoring the hot sauce? Because I sure as hell wasn't. Plus I wasn't trying to fix him, I was trying just getting through the wait for my food the same way everyone does. Worst of all though his noise was completely blocking out my perception skills, and so I instead was forced to rely on my wits. 

Fortunately my wits were flying, and I used them to know EXACTLY what the waiter was trying to say with his speech, he was trying to say 'I'm hard to get a read on'. And I knew exactly WHY he was saying what he was saying, to say to me 'seriously, I'm hard to read'. And after some serious pondering I knew EXACTLY what this meant for me - that this man was going to be hard to read. 

I had a number of options of what I could do next. 

- Pretend I still had access to my skills of perception but then use my flying wits to get through this. 

- Pretend I couldn't see or hear him, and give focus on the many important things that were already important to me, like making sure Kev didn't notice that I didn't find what I promised would be in the cloakroom, making sure the whole restaurant didn't think I was an idiot for indicating that I thought you could eat the menu itself, and getting retribution against the waiter, all of which needed me to do something BIG and do it NOW! 

- Pretend I was a BIGGER man than him and pretend to accept his apology. 

- Pretend I was a ghost monkey. 

Obviously this was a BIG decision, and  when it's OBVIOUS that the decision you have to make is BIG, then there is only one time you can make it, NOW! 

To be answered*

*well obviously there was an obvious choice, and seeing as this was obviously BIG, I CHOSE the obvious choice, and pretended to be a ghost monkey, but THEN what happened is still to come* 

*Which is another way of saying 'to be continued*

*I hope I haven't used that one yet.