Now its time to play a little game I like to call “back in context”. Hell Yeah!
Well known and celebrity type people like to sometimes like to complain that they get quoted out of context well I’m the type of dude who likes to do shit different so I prefer to put stuff “Back in context”. I like to call this game “Back in context”, which is something that I mentioned earlier but I didn’t mention before that this is all about putting things “Back in context” if you know what I mean.
Here is an example:
Kim Kardashian was quoted this week saying “I love my bum”!
Wow, that’s great, love is awesome, I have been told by people who have enjoyed it, apparently a lot of people enjoy this “phenomenon” wow, it’s a phenomenon now, and I am still left out, that means you name shit wrong you wankers!
Unfortunately for Kim the entire quote was:
“I love my bum, one time I was loving it so much that in the middle of a pie eating contest I was distracted and found myself fingering out my bum right in front of everyone”.
Really Kim, that’s fucking awful, you were in a pie eating competition? Those are so wasteful. I hate pie waste. On the other hand, you finger your own bum, hell yeah, I did that once, awesome! Also the rhyme, that’s pretty awesome, rhyme is awesome, it’s like ballsome, only better, because nothing that rhymes with awesome is worth shit.
You see how this works? I make a truth into an insult to a celebrity back into an insult of myself. It’s like “Back in context” only more like “how awesome is this?”
Here is one I prepared earlier.
Emma Watson was quoted this week about her lack of a love life saying:
“Guys are intimidated by me”
Really, guys are intimidated by a freaking gorgeous, super successful “holy crap you can have any guy you want just pick who you want” kind of girl. It’s pretty tough, but then again consider the entire quote:
“Guys are intimidated by me. I just want to meet a nice guy who regularly beats off to Harry Potter One”
Oh my god, Emma? That’s wrong man. A few days ago I beat off looking at a freaking gorgeous picture of you in a pink sports bra after you’d been to the Gym and I did not think about Harry Potter One, because I’ve never seen it, I instead thought “Wow I wish every girl on earth was watching me masturbate right now so they’d see that guys don’t actually like the whole ‘makeup’ made up shit as much as we like the real you” that’s how “Back in context” more superior I think I am over you, and here I am making up paedophiliac thoughts of yours? What’s wrong with you?
Here is a brilliant one, so brilliant that I have to invent a new word for super brilliant that I am coining as we speak “cutoffdenimlikethrow”!!!!!!! Oh fuck, I fucked up that coining, stupid stupid stupid Dave, then again this really is pretty fucking still pretty cutoffdenimlikethrow!!!!!!!:
Lindsay Lohan was quoted saying:
“I’m totally clean”.
Awesome Lindsay, that’s awesome, almost “cutoffdenimlikethrow” awesome (it’s growing on me, this word may take off after all)!!!!!!!!!!!!! So happy for you, if you get clean then you’re only “getting talent” away from getting the success you deserve, i.e. way less that you’ve enjoyed, but holy cutoffdenimlikethrow did you fuck up when I realised that the full quote was:
“I’m totally clean…ing this mirror before I snort coke off it, one time I snorted up some Oreo cookie dust, and let’s just say that wasn’t an attractive sight, you know, because I’ve never been attractive”.
Wow, Lindsay? Why say something like that about yourself? Snorting coke is epic-ally beautiful, your face and body is gross, but your lifestyle, wow, so sexy. Of course think in mind this real quote from me:
“I’d pound Lindsay Lohan once for every freckle on her ass!”
Keep in mind the last person I tongue kissed was when I got mouth raped by a guy named Oscar, and that was months ago, so that’s pretty shit for me to have as a reality.
Blake Lively had nude photos this week and this week is also apparently dating known homosexual Leonardo DeCaprio because he likes having “beards”, and is “really famous” and is “really talented” and Blake Lively “really needs credibility” but Leo probably should be all like “I like cock and acting” cause who gives the slightest shit AND matters. Also that Weiner bloke did some shit related to cock, the very thing that Leo likes!!!!! That’s cutoffdenimlikethrow!!!!!!! I wish I had a quote about it I like, but I “Back in context” don’t.
“That’s lazy Dave”.
“Yes it is David”.
Also Jennifer Love Hewitt, the very actress I have been in love with since I first saw her as “Sarah” on “Party of Five” and still love despite her cutoffdenimlikethrow crazy thoughts on engagement rings and vagina adornment (she’s cutoffdenimlikethrow for them, where as I am totally cutoffdenimlikethrow against them) yet that smile man, holy fuck that smile) I am cutoffdenimlikethrow a smile guy by the way and she has a cutoffdenimlikethrow smile, and also she was revealed this to be the rotten tomato websites:
“Worst reviewed actress of all time”
Sorry reviewers but I’d still bone her – take that all you people who always tell me my standards are too high! But I will never tell why (holy fuck that cutoffdenimlikethrow smile is fucking gorgeous).
Quote by Dave:
“What did I say ‘cutoffdenimlikethrow” was supposed to mean again?
The “back in context” quote was:
“People don’t like me but I’m fine with it….. because I’m going to drown my sorrows with a three week sex marathon with David Tieck”
Holy shit!! YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHH, fucking cutoffdenimlikethrow YEAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!
Hey Dave?
Yeah David?
Who “actually” wrote that quote?
I did.
That’s you, not her!
UHOUGUGO OH dhc fucking bullshit man, bullshit! Why can’t “I” meet a lovely girl, and get that “love” people talk about, they’re all like “I “cutoffdenimlikethrow love, I love it so much I’d pound it once for every freckle on its ass!”
Fuck em!
Friday, June 10, 2011
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Literally a slice to my balls
There was a story in the paper yesterday that some wonderful wonderful scientists may have invented a new perfectly workable male contraceptive pill. Hooray!
Fun facts about scientists:
- If chicks found them fascinating and totally bangable we'd have things like male pills and cures to STDs way faster.
- Some of them are really smart.
- Some of them once invented a machine that does stuff it's supposed to do, so that's really cool.
Now I for one am very excited about a possible male pill. Some people (women) think that men can't be trusted to take the pill but this is ignoring the reality that all men would swallow a small mule every morning if it meant three times in their life they could have sex without a condom. Especially if those three times did not result in children. But lets face it we'd swallow a pill out of a mules ass, even if it did nothing but allow us sex without a condom three times, you know as long as we could sneak a morning after pill into her drink the following mornings.
Fun facts about sex:
- For men, it's way way better without a condom.
- Way way better.
Here are some fun facts about me:
- I never want to have kids.
- I don't like it when strangers come up to me and say "you look like my cousin Bill, he's so smelly".
- I've spent lots of time thinking about letting a doctor slice open my scrotum with a scalpel and cut out something then use a needle to stitch my scrotum back up.
- I love cats.
- I've never had regular sex or anything close to it in my life so the slice my scrotum dealy seems excessive for now.
- I have a bit of cash and a tiny tiny bit of fame but plan to increase both substantially one day, only I panic that if I do some lady may purposely try to get pregnant to me. I also fear I will sleepwalk off my balcony, that I'll die in a car crash and that one day I'll be nicknamed Bill. I don't want to be nicknamed after a stinky dude.
So I still may do the slicey slicey one day. Soon even. The problem is, consider these fun facts about vasectomies:
- They really do cut open your scrotum with a scalpel.
- You're fucking awake when they do it.
- When you start researching this you inevitably get sent to the surprisingly ample catalogue of pictures of vasectomies gone horribly horribly wrong.
- This is far more terrifying than anything you have ever seen or ever will see in your life.
- They do it while you're awake, that's freaking madness!
So come on scientists, get this shit happening as fast as humanly possible. If you don't I'll totally make you eat a small mule, or worse, I'll nickname you bill!
Fun facts about scientists:
- If chicks found them fascinating and totally bangable we'd have things like male pills and cures to STDs way faster.
- Some of them are really smart.
- Some of them once invented a machine that does stuff it's supposed to do, so that's really cool.
Now I for one am very excited about a possible male pill. Some people (women) think that men can't be trusted to take the pill but this is ignoring the reality that all men would swallow a small mule every morning if it meant three times in their life they could have sex without a condom. Especially if those three times did not result in children. But lets face it we'd swallow a pill out of a mules ass, even if it did nothing but allow us sex without a condom three times, you know as long as we could sneak a morning after pill into her drink the following mornings.
Fun facts about sex:
- For men, it's way way better without a condom.
- Way way better.
Here are some fun facts about me:
- I never want to have kids.
- I don't like it when strangers come up to me and say "you look like my cousin Bill, he's so smelly".
- I've spent lots of time thinking about letting a doctor slice open my scrotum with a scalpel and cut out something then use a needle to stitch my scrotum back up.
- I love cats.
- I've never had regular sex or anything close to it in my life so the slice my scrotum dealy seems excessive for now.
- I have a bit of cash and a tiny tiny bit of fame but plan to increase both substantially one day, only I panic that if I do some lady may purposely try to get pregnant to me. I also fear I will sleepwalk off my balcony, that I'll die in a car crash and that one day I'll be nicknamed Bill. I don't want to be nicknamed after a stinky dude.
So I still may do the slicey slicey one day. Soon even. The problem is, consider these fun facts about vasectomies:
- They really do cut open your scrotum with a scalpel.
- You're fucking awake when they do it.
- When you start researching this you inevitably get sent to the surprisingly ample catalogue of pictures of vasectomies gone horribly horribly wrong.
- This is far more terrifying than anything you have ever seen or ever will see in your life.
- They do it while you're awake, that's freaking madness!
So come on scientists, get this shit happening as fast as humanly possible. If you don't I'll totally make you eat a small mule, or worse, I'll nickname you bill!
Sunday, June 5, 2011
I'd still go
I just randomly found on my bedroom floor five French Francs!
Do you know what that means? I now own five French Francs. And also a French Person who doesn’t empty out his pockets anywhere near often enough has been sneaking into my bedroom and doing something that dislodged a coin from a place that it has remained for about a decade. I assume that they did some sit-ups, or were so excited to find a pair of my used underpants they jumped for joy, or perhaps they suddenly got a weird feeling that the world should be upside down and they should be walking on the ceilings. It’s an exciting mystery for me to enjoy. One with a probably French character. It’s very exciting. Seriously.
Here is where the excitement really takes off though - if there is another World War and France get kicked out of the European Union for surrounding too fast and are therefore forced to give up the Euro and revert back to their previous currency, and make an interesting choice to set it’s value to be the same as it was in 1979, and I find myself in France sometime after that I can totally buy a croissant with those Francs. YEEEESSSS!!!
Now I know what your thinking, why would you buy a regular croissant when you could buy a chocolate croissant? You’re right, a chocolate croissant is way more delicious than a regular croissant and will not require an additional expense for butter or some form of jam, or perhaps even some cheese, but lets be realistic, no way is France getting kicked out of the European Union but still going to be allowed to make chocolate croissants. They are seriously delicious. Seriously. Especially in the morning when you get fresh ones still warm from the oven. Seriously delicious. Seriously. Or if you chuck them in the microwave you can get them all melty inside. It’s seriously delicious. I mean seriously. As if they are going to let them still have those. Just no fucking way.
“After a unanimous vote of all remaining European Union countries we have declared that only holding out Germany for three weeks really was seriously pathetic, so you’re out. Go on, get on out of here. Get. France, don’t make me hit you with a rolled up newspaper……. Oh by the way, also, you can’t make chocolate croissants anymore, they’re too seriously delicious”.
Truth be told if this was all going down they would probably stop a whole bunch of things from them doing. For the record I can exclusively now report the entire list of things that will get banned in France if there is a third world war and France gets kicked out of the European Union for surrendering too fast. Sourced exclusively from my own personal suggestions. Some of these may seem harsh, just like with the no more chocolate croissants, but if they’re not punished they’ll never learn.
1. No longer allowed to put paper into recycling bins, it’s too prejudice against other forms of trash (As if prejudice will be allowed)
2. No longer allowed to watch a surprising yet inspirational speech and respond with a pause then a one-man slow clap. (They are allowed to write “slow clap” on a piece of paper and slyly hand it to a police officer)
3. Not allowed to listen to any songs recorded by Elton John between 1978-1982 (that one is just obvious)
4. If you get injured in a football match the said injured player is no longer allowed to “walk it off”
5. If you get a stomach-ache from eating too many chocolate croissants you also can’t “walk it off” because you are lying! They’re banned, seriously banned!
I know it’s a tough punishment. And some of you are no doubt thinking I am cruel for suggesting them, especially as I used the word “official” somewhere near that list (possibly) and that is a very authoritive word, so it’s pretty much all guaranteed to happen now. So sorry. But remember, I have already volunteered to go back to France, even in their new harsh world. Because I love France, and I have Five French Francs to spend, ironically found right before this catastrophic turn of events began, that’s got to be fate or something. So I’ll go. Unless it turns out the intruder who dropped the Francs WAS doing sit-ups, you dudes have six-packs and still only held out three weeks? Pathetic. Seriously Pathetic.
Do you know what that means? I now own five French Francs. And also a French Person who doesn’t empty out his pockets anywhere near often enough has been sneaking into my bedroom and doing something that dislodged a coin from a place that it has remained for about a decade. I assume that they did some sit-ups, or were so excited to find a pair of my used underpants they jumped for joy, or perhaps they suddenly got a weird feeling that the world should be upside down and they should be walking on the ceilings. It’s an exciting mystery for me to enjoy. One with a probably French character. It’s very exciting. Seriously.
Here is where the excitement really takes off though - if there is another World War and France get kicked out of the European Union for surrounding too fast and are therefore forced to give up the Euro and revert back to their previous currency, and make an interesting choice to set it’s value to be the same as it was in 1979, and I find myself in France sometime after that I can totally buy a croissant with those Francs. YEEEESSSS!!!
Now I know what your thinking, why would you buy a regular croissant when you could buy a chocolate croissant? You’re right, a chocolate croissant is way more delicious than a regular croissant and will not require an additional expense for butter or some form of jam, or perhaps even some cheese, but lets be realistic, no way is France getting kicked out of the European Union but still going to be allowed to make chocolate croissants. They are seriously delicious. Seriously. Especially in the morning when you get fresh ones still warm from the oven. Seriously delicious. Seriously. Or if you chuck them in the microwave you can get them all melty inside. It’s seriously delicious. I mean seriously. As if they are going to let them still have those. Just no fucking way.
“After a unanimous vote of all remaining European Union countries we have declared that only holding out Germany for three weeks really was seriously pathetic, so you’re out. Go on, get on out of here. Get. France, don’t make me hit you with a rolled up newspaper……. Oh by the way, also, you can’t make chocolate croissants anymore, they’re too seriously delicious”.
Truth be told if this was all going down they would probably stop a whole bunch of things from them doing. For the record I can exclusively now report the entire list of things that will get banned in France if there is a third world war and France gets kicked out of the European Union for surrendering too fast. Sourced exclusively from my own personal suggestions. Some of these may seem harsh, just like with the no more chocolate croissants, but if they’re not punished they’ll never learn.
1. No longer allowed to put paper into recycling bins, it’s too prejudice against other forms of trash (As if prejudice will be allowed)
2. No longer allowed to watch a surprising yet inspirational speech and respond with a pause then a one-man slow clap. (They are allowed to write “slow clap” on a piece of paper and slyly hand it to a police officer)
3. Not allowed to listen to any songs recorded by Elton John between 1978-1982 (that one is just obvious)
4. If you get injured in a football match the said injured player is no longer allowed to “walk it off”
5. If you get a stomach-ache from eating too many chocolate croissants you also can’t “walk it off” because you are lying! They’re banned, seriously banned!
I know it’s a tough punishment. And some of you are no doubt thinking I am cruel for suggesting them, especially as I used the word “official” somewhere near that list (possibly) and that is a very authoritive word, so it’s pretty much all guaranteed to happen now. So sorry. But remember, I have already volunteered to go back to France, even in their new harsh world. Because I love France, and I have Five French Francs to spend, ironically found right before this catastrophic turn of events began, that’s got to be fate or something. So I’ll go. Unless it turns out the intruder who dropped the Francs WAS doing sit-ups, you dudes have six-packs and still only held out three weeks? Pathetic. Seriously Pathetic.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
I know what you’re thinking
“No you don’t”
But I also know that secret thing you’re thinking. That thing so secret that if you whispered it in a game of Chinese Whispers your ultra liberal friend would be all like “this game is racist, but it was so worth it, because your secret is totally awesome and super secretive, and I would not have found out about it unless we totally offended the entire country of China, who just because of this racist game probably wont do anything about the dwindling Panda Bear population anymore just to spite us because they know we like Panda Bears”
And then you will have to submit your own personal take on the difference between racism and xenophobia by saying “calling Chinese Whispers racist is only true if you mean the race Chinese, but if in fact you mean the country China then you are probably being xenophobic and yet only if you mean Chinese the race in a disparaging way or China the country as something you fear, when in reality its just a silly name for a silly kids game and is neither disparaging nor phobic you fun hating twat!”
And then you’re friend will all be like “for starters don’t call me a twat, and for second thing I think you having ‘neither’ and ‘nor’ together just then may have made your thing a double negative which returns it back to a positive and therefore is not a nice thing to say, I mean that twat part, the other part I am kind of confused about, and you know I hate confusing and things of that ambiguous nature that are hard to decipher!”
And then you’ll end up getting into a huge friendship ending fight that is completely pointless, where the most valid point made is “it turns out if you eat a tennis ball thinking it’s an apple, then your taste buds and eyesight should be tested, but your teeth work great!” and yet you never even end up discussing this awesome secret that you have been so brave to share with your friend during an innocent game of Chinese Whispers, and you’ll realize actually that if you made one valid point about the tennis ball then the argument wasn’t “pointless”, it was just not really worth it.
So when I reveal this secret of yours on your behalf understand please that I am not trying to reveal a secret of yours for my own selfish gain, to mock you, or steal from you, or make you think about taking a shower because of how dirty you feel at having let me deep, deep inside your mind, no, none of those things are things I have even thought about, I do this simply to save your friendship.
Assuming you have some friends. And some of them are ultra liberal. And you play Chinese Whispers with them. And they just now decided to play their “hang on this is so not ultra liberal of me I better charge up (now chanting: war, greed, hunger, war, greed, hunger, war, greed, hunger) alright now I am feeling as strong, and powerful and as ultra liberal as I can, fear my wrath” card.
I mean you may well have an ultra conservative friend who is all upset about Chinese Whispers because of the fear he has about the growing Chinese economy and its potential impact on the global finances and competitiveness and all that. But I don’t care about ruining that argument; it would just be so boring, and that is a friendship you can do without frankly. Your ultra liberal friend may be just as annoying, but there is a better chance they have purple hair, and that’s a pretty color. And I will not ruin that friendship, no sir (unless you’re a girl and this ultra liberal person gets all upset because I went with “Sir” just then instead of “Maam”, “Sweetie”, “Hot-tits” or “Person of undetermined gender”, in which case fuck em).
Now, I know above that I predicted what you were thinking 100% correct and now you are all nervous, because this deep dark secret of yours may be something buried so deep in your sub-conscience that even you don’t know what you’re thinking. So just to alleviate your fear here are some things that are not the secret I am going to share of yours:
- You were born with six toes and the one they cut off sits in a jar that you hide under your pillow at night hoping the toe-fairy will finally show up
- You think chairs are horribly overrated as places to put down your used tissues
- You once prostituted yourself and when he had you eat cream cheese off his penis you decided not to charge him because, hey, free cheese
- You don’t like swimming except on really hot days
Remember these are the things that are NOT your secret. Phew. No one ever has to find out you are a sick twisted non-swimming much type person. It’s ok.
Still we do have to get to your secret. There is the matter of that ultra liberal friend that I don’t want you to lose still to take care of. Damn it! The responsibilities I face sometimes, it can be unbearable this much responsibility, and having to be all responsible with it, why can’t I just go for a swim damn it!
Ok, here goes. And again I do this for you, not against you. Remember all that responsibility business from before? This is that now coming into action. It was just a paragraph ago so you probably should be able to remember. Unless you’re just skim-reading this while watching TV, I don’t mind, I do that sometimes too. Have you ever seen that show House? Is it any good? I’ve never checked it out. I heard there is a doctor in it? Wow, that would be a hard job! You’d have to wash your hands so often and get that dry over washed hand skin. That can’t feel good to touch things with. But then you get to save lives. I mean some good stuff and some bad. Wow now that I think about it that show must be awesome.
Anyway, your secret. Drum roll……….
The thing you’re thinking right now is
“This guy has totally been stalling because he hadn’t thought of anything funny yet and now this will probably be something lame”
Hey fuck you! I was going to totally fucking save your friendship with your ultra liberal friend who may be a bit annoying but probably has a really good heart and cares about stuff, so how dare us judge her. But you’ve gone and thought something so mean and judgemental about me. It’s really not nice.
Well I do actually know your secret, and it’s really, really, really, really, really hilarious, like hilarious like classic Steve Martin that time he was all hilarious with that funny stuff. But I think you’ve ruined it. Awwwwwwweeee.
Well here it is anyway, I guess.
You’d rather get terminal cancer than Aids just because of the way people would get judgemental on how you got the Aids and stuff.
See how funny that would have been had you not let that other thought come into your head. I would have gone, here we go, drumroll…..
You are now thinking somewhere in your sub-conscience
“I’d rather get terminal cancer than Aids, just because of the way people would get judgemental on how I got the Aids and stuff”.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha (feel free to paraphrase this paragraph yourself rather than read each individual ‘ha’ you know, if you’d prefer)
See how many “ha ha’s” that may have gotten? No? Maybe? Well the moments passed. I guess we never really will know just how good things could be. I’m going to go play Chinese Whispers now. I’d go swimming but you’ve ruined that for me now too. Twat!
But I also know that secret thing you’re thinking. That thing so secret that if you whispered it in a game of Chinese Whispers your ultra liberal friend would be all like “this game is racist, but it was so worth it, because your secret is totally awesome and super secretive, and I would not have found out about it unless we totally offended the entire country of China, who just because of this racist game probably wont do anything about the dwindling Panda Bear population anymore just to spite us because they know we like Panda Bears”
And then you will have to submit your own personal take on the difference between racism and xenophobia by saying “calling Chinese Whispers racist is only true if you mean the race Chinese, but if in fact you mean the country China then you are probably being xenophobic and yet only if you mean Chinese the race in a disparaging way or China the country as something you fear, when in reality its just a silly name for a silly kids game and is neither disparaging nor phobic you fun hating twat!”
And then you’re friend will all be like “for starters don’t call me a twat, and for second thing I think you having ‘neither’ and ‘nor’ together just then may have made your thing a double negative which returns it back to a positive and therefore is not a nice thing to say, I mean that twat part, the other part I am kind of confused about, and you know I hate confusing and things of that ambiguous nature that are hard to decipher!”
And then you’ll end up getting into a huge friendship ending fight that is completely pointless, where the most valid point made is “it turns out if you eat a tennis ball thinking it’s an apple, then your taste buds and eyesight should be tested, but your teeth work great!” and yet you never even end up discussing this awesome secret that you have been so brave to share with your friend during an innocent game of Chinese Whispers, and you’ll realize actually that if you made one valid point about the tennis ball then the argument wasn’t “pointless”, it was just not really worth it.
So when I reveal this secret of yours on your behalf understand please that I am not trying to reveal a secret of yours for my own selfish gain, to mock you, or steal from you, or make you think about taking a shower because of how dirty you feel at having let me deep, deep inside your mind, no, none of those things are things I have even thought about, I do this simply to save your friendship.
Assuming you have some friends. And some of them are ultra liberal. And you play Chinese Whispers with them. And they just now decided to play their “hang on this is so not ultra liberal of me I better charge up (now chanting: war, greed, hunger, war, greed, hunger, war, greed, hunger) alright now I am feeling as strong, and powerful and as ultra liberal as I can, fear my wrath” card.
I mean you may well have an ultra conservative friend who is all upset about Chinese Whispers because of the fear he has about the growing Chinese economy and its potential impact on the global finances and competitiveness and all that. But I don’t care about ruining that argument; it would just be so boring, and that is a friendship you can do without frankly. Your ultra liberal friend may be just as annoying, but there is a better chance they have purple hair, and that’s a pretty color. And I will not ruin that friendship, no sir (unless you’re a girl and this ultra liberal person gets all upset because I went with “Sir” just then instead of “Maam”, “Sweetie”, “Hot-tits” or “Person of undetermined gender”, in which case fuck em).
Now, I know above that I predicted what you were thinking 100% correct and now you are all nervous, because this deep dark secret of yours may be something buried so deep in your sub-conscience that even you don’t know what you’re thinking. So just to alleviate your fear here are some things that are not the secret I am going to share of yours:
- You were born with six toes and the one they cut off sits in a jar that you hide under your pillow at night hoping the toe-fairy will finally show up
- You think chairs are horribly overrated as places to put down your used tissues
- You once prostituted yourself and when he had you eat cream cheese off his penis you decided not to charge him because, hey, free cheese
- You don’t like swimming except on really hot days
Remember these are the things that are NOT your secret. Phew. No one ever has to find out you are a sick twisted non-swimming much type person. It’s ok.
Still we do have to get to your secret. There is the matter of that ultra liberal friend that I don’t want you to lose still to take care of. Damn it! The responsibilities I face sometimes, it can be unbearable this much responsibility, and having to be all responsible with it, why can’t I just go for a swim damn it!
Ok, here goes. And again I do this for you, not against you. Remember all that responsibility business from before? This is that now coming into action. It was just a paragraph ago so you probably should be able to remember. Unless you’re just skim-reading this while watching TV, I don’t mind, I do that sometimes too. Have you ever seen that show House? Is it any good? I’ve never checked it out. I heard there is a doctor in it? Wow, that would be a hard job! You’d have to wash your hands so often and get that dry over washed hand skin. That can’t feel good to touch things with. But then you get to save lives. I mean some good stuff and some bad. Wow now that I think about it that show must be awesome.
Anyway, your secret. Drum roll……….
The thing you’re thinking right now is
“This guy has totally been stalling because he hadn’t thought of anything funny yet and now this will probably be something lame”
Hey fuck you! I was going to totally fucking save your friendship with your ultra liberal friend who may be a bit annoying but probably has a really good heart and cares about stuff, so how dare us judge her. But you’ve gone and thought something so mean and judgemental about me. It’s really not nice.
Well I do actually know your secret, and it’s really, really, really, really, really hilarious, like hilarious like classic Steve Martin that time he was all hilarious with that funny stuff. But I think you’ve ruined it. Awwwwwwweeee.
Well here it is anyway, I guess.
You’d rather get terminal cancer than Aids just because of the way people would get judgemental on how you got the Aids and stuff.
See how funny that would have been had you not let that other thought come into your head. I would have gone, here we go, drumroll…..
You are now thinking somewhere in your sub-conscience
“I’d rather get terminal cancer than Aids, just because of the way people would get judgemental on how I got the Aids and stuff”.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha (feel free to paraphrase this paragraph yourself rather than read each individual ‘ha’ you know, if you’d prefer)
See how many “ha ha’s” that may have gotten? No? Maybe? Well the moments passed. I guess we never really will know just how good things could be. I’m going to go play Chinese Whispers now. I’d go swimming but you’ve ruined that for me now too. Twat!
Friday, April 8, 2011
The bubble, the lord and the mistress, cont...
When we left you off in the previous story about these things in the title we had learned how god gets pissed off when mother nature won’t bang him because she’s upset that one of her presents to god didn’t work out as she’d hoped and how god takes it out on humans who intern don’t like that thing about nature as much anymore. The bubbles feared they’d be next as the sky keeps murdering them and the sky doesn’t give a shit.
Holy crap – high drama!
We take you back to a bubble:
Hi again, I’m floating here, na na na na, lets get back to it.
Come on sky man, pleeeeeeaaaaassseeee don’t make Mother Nature upset at us.
Bubbles cannot handle ending up like dew, mirrored lakes and shadows. Not us. We’ve been the most proactive awesome natural things for years. We let kids slap to death the weakest among us letting them know we are beautiful yet flawed, the old folk don’t have the stamina and fall to their deaths, and the strong rise back up to heaven, leaving nothing but wonder behind. Wonder Sky, WONDER! That’s a synonym for words like astonishment, awe and conjecture! That’s what you murder!
Us bubbles have been talking at BU:BBLES and its all about to bubble over, Mother Nature has been talking to the BU:BBLE union boss, and there is no doubt if at least a quarter of us bubbles don’t rise up high enough into you, the sky, soon, then her patience are going to burst, she’ll feel like bubbles humiliated her, be too scared to face God, and then who knows what god is capable of? We all do! Anything he fucking wants.
That’s why us bubbles around BU:BBLES are panicking man. Any day now the announcement
‘Doctors have discovered smiling is a cause of pancreatic cancer’ or
‘Do you like the smell of fresh baked cookies? Find out why that’s causing you to be chased by poltergeists’ or
‘Suddenly everyone agrees, bubble baths are no longer relaxing’
Whatever it is, everyone knows it’s the fault of Bubbles and soon enough people hate us as much as they hate dew or shadows. Support from Mother Nature and the fact people think we’re awesome is all us bubbles have.
So please stop murdering us Sky, please?
You can’t even answer me, just a lone bubble from BU:BBLES, after all my well thought out, completely confuse free arguments?
You have to have it all sky, don’t you?
What's the problem sky, you don't have enough already? If you're out humans are all like ‘yay blue sky’ but if you’re being blocked by clouds they whine and mourn not seeing you! That’s not enough?
Those man people have been obsessed to getting close to you, from flying machines of all kinds to kites and made up superheroes that fly into the you, the sky, such as Superman, that flame thing, and Aquaman. That’s not enough?
Plus you're all blue, that's often what people say their favorite color! Oh, so many people actually say red or purple, you say, well you TURN those colors sometimes you prick.
We get it, you're big, you're above us all the time, when humans say to a colleague ‘I look up to you man’ what they mean is ‘you're taller than me, so when I look at you your face is surrounded by sky and that makes me think you're better than me’. Why do you think people mostly look up to people in the day time? Sky man, sky. No one ever says ‘I look up to you man’ at three am! And besides most people who end statements my arbitrarily adding on the word ‘man’ to the end of sentences are sound asleep the minute, you the sky, are asleep. Man people aren’t night people man!
Almost all business meetings are in the daytime, why do you think CEOs like to be up high in buildings with huge glass corner offices, sky all around them! Haven’t you read Donald Trumps book ‘How to be a billionaire?’ it’s just three hundred pages of random scribbles and doodles of the line ‘sky around me’. That's all you!
Isn’t that enough?
So why dude, why kill the awesome little bubbles. Little kids do it too for sure, but they're kittle, you’re big, pick on something your own size! Kirsty alley! Too soon, too cruel, too old, too nonsensical, too band wagon jumpy, the choice is yours! Oh I bet you the sky would be all like ‘um are you serious, I'm at least three times her size, what else you got’?
I'll tell ya, basketballs! They get flung up to you all the time, also sphere shaped, just like us bubbles, I see you pop our little membranes, take on something stronger like rubber you wimp!
Ohhh you look scared sky, is that a tear or a cloud forming. Are you going to cry you big pussy? Can’t pop a basketball, the sky can’t pop a basketball, have to pick on a poor little bubble just like a four year old girl! You wimp sky! You fucking wimp!
I see you sky you’re going to cry! Ha Ha!
What’s that sky? Oh you don't do clouds that's the sun and evaporation, yeah but when tears come down humans say rains ‘falling from the sky’!
The sky is crying, everyone thinks you’re lying, you’re a little girl, ha ha sky you big fucking tool!
Is that why you kill bubbles, they're so pretty they make you cry?
Oh you want me to shut up? I just heard thunder your chin is trembling isn't it?
We interrupt this message from a bubble to bring you a message from the national bush fire prevention association society.
Hello everyone, the above was not a true story. It was merely a dramatization of what us here at the national bush fire prevention association society assume is the history of the relationship between the sky and bubbles.
As you know we assume that for centuries people have relied on bubbles to get upset with the sky then trash talk it until it cries and therefore stops bushfires, forest fires, and house fires before they got too bad.
Well, we have concluded, bubbles are probably finding it harder and harder to convince anyone of anything these days, let alone make the sky cry. It makes sense, things get harder over time sometimes, why not this?
Here’s how you can help? Abuse the sky, it’s for its own good, its just proud, but it needs to cry. Or yes, this may be the end of earth, or lots of bad fires anyway.
Next time there is a bush fire do you have what it takes to be cruel to be kind and make the sky cry? Us here at the national bush fire prevention association society would do it for you, but we put all our creative effort into naming ourselves.
Holy crap – high drama!
We take you back to a bubble:
Hi again, I’m floating here, na na na na, lets get back to it.
Come on sky man, pleeeeeeaaaaassseeee don’t make Mother Nature upset at us.
Bubbles cannot handle ending up like dew, mirrored lakes and shadows. Not us. We’ve been the most proactive awesome natural things for years. We let kids slap to death the weakest among us letting them know we are beautiful yet flawed, the old folk don’t have the stamina and fall to their deaths, and the strong rise back up to heaven, leaving nothing but wonder behind. Wonder Sky, WONDER! That’s a synonym for words like astonishment, awe and conjecture! That’s what you murder!
Us bubbles have been talking at BU:BBLES and its all about to bubble over, Mother Nature has been talking to the BU:BBLE union boss, and there is no doubt if at least a quarter of us bubbles don’t rise up high enough into you, the sky, soon, then her patience are going to burst, she’ll feel like bubbles humiliated her, be too scared to face God, and then who knows what god is capable of? We all do! Anything he fucking wants.
That’s why us bubbles around BU:BBLES are panicking man. Any day now the announcement
‘Doctors have discovered smiling is a cause of pancreatic cancer’ or
‘Do you like the smell of fresh baked cookies? Find out why that’s causing you to be chased by poltergeists’ or
‘Suddenly everyone agrees, bubble baths are no longer relaxing’
Whatever it is, everyone knows it’s the fault of Bubbles and soon enough people hate us as much as they hate dew or shadows. Support from Mother Nature and the fact people think we’re awesome is all us bubbles have.
So please stop murdering us Sky, please?
You can’t even answer me, just a lone bubble from BU:BBLES, after all my well thought out, completely confuse free arguments?
You have to have it all sky, don’t you?
What's the problem sky, you don't have enough already? If you're out humans are all like ‘yay blue sky’ but if you’re being blocked by clouds they whine and mourn not seeing you! That’s not enough?
Those man people have been obsessed to getting close to you, from flying machines of all kinds to kites and made up superheroes that fly into the you, the sky, such as Superman, that flame thing, and Aquaman. That’s not enough?
Plus you're all blue, that's often what people say their favorite color! Oh, so many people actually say red or purple, you say, well you TURN those colors sometimes you prick.
We get it, you're big, you're above us all the time, when humans say to a colleague ‘I look up to you man’ what they mean is ‘you're taller than me, so when I look at you your face is surrounded by sky and that makes me think you're better than me’. Why do you think people mostly look up to people in the day time? Sky man, sky. No one ever says ‘I look up to you man’ at three am! And besides most people who end statements my arbitrarily adding on the word ‘man’ to the end of sentences are sound asleep the minute, you the sky, are asleep. Man people aren’t night people man!
Almost all business meetings are in the daytime, why do you think CEOs like to be up high in buildings with huge glass corner offices, sky all around them! Haven’t you read Donald Trumps book ‘How to be a billionaire?’ it’s just three hundred pages of random scribbles and doodles of the line ‘sky around me’. That's all you!
Isn’t that enough?
So why dude, why kill the awesome little bubbles. Little kids do it too for sure, but they're kittle, you’re big, pick on something your own size! Kirsty alley! Too soon, too cruel, too old, too nonsensical, too band wagon jumpy, the choice is yours! Oh I bet you the sky would be all like ‘um are you serious, I'm at least three times her size, what else you got’?
I'll tell ya, basketballs! They get flung up to you all the time, also sphere shaped, just like us bubbles, I see you pop our little membranes, take on something stronger like rubber you wimp!
Ohhh you look scared sky, is that a tear or a cloud forming. Are you going to cry you big pussy? Can’t pop a basketball, the sky can’t pop a basketball, have to pick on a poor little bubble just like a four year old girl! You wimp sky! You fucking wimp!
I see you sky you’re going to cry! Ha Ha!
What’s that sky? Oh you don't do clouds that's the sun and evaporation, yeah but when tears come down humans say rains ‘falling from the sky’!
The sky is crying, everyone thinks you’re lying, you’re a little girl, ha ha sky you big fucking tool!
Is that why you kill bubbles, they're so pretty they make you cry?
Oh you want me to shut up? I just heard thunder your chin is trembling isn't it?
We interrupt this message from a bubble to bring you a message from the national bush fire prevention association society.
Hello everyone, the above was not a true story. It was merely a dramatization of what us here at the national bush fire prevention association society assume is the history of the relationship between the sky and bubbles.
As you know we assume that for centuries people have relied on bubbles to get upset with the sky then trash talk it until it cries and therefore stops bushfires, forest fires, and house fires before they got too bad.
Well, we have concluded, bubbles are probably finding it harder and harder to convince anyone of anything these days, let alone make the sky cry. It makes sense, things get harder over time sometimes, why not this?
Here’s how you can help? Abuse the sky, it’s for its own good, its just proud, but it needs to cry. Or yes, this may be the end of earth, or lots of bad fires anyway.
Next time there is a bush fire do you have what it takes to be cruel to be kind and make the sky cry? Us here at the national bush fire prevention association society would do it for you, but we put all our creative effort into naming ourselves.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
The bubble, the lord and the mistress
Hey everyone, this is Dave, I am here in New York at the moment, having fun, I went to th……..
WE INTERUPT THIS BLOG WITH AN EMERGENCY. WE NOW TAKE YOU TO A SMALL WIND FREE AUDITORIUM TO HEAR FROM A BUBBLE.
Bubble.
Hello, my name is Jeremy, and as you can see, I am a bubble. Ok, better start with some pleasantries, um, how about that weather everyone. Today I was floating around out in the sunshine and people are all like, ‘hey bubble, how about the weather man, blue skies and that’? And I’m like ‘yeah, blue skies, and that man’
Ok, that was the pleasantries, now onto business at hand:
FUCK YOU!!!!!!
Do you know what happens when us bubbles go up into the sky you assholes? The sky murders us! Cold blooded cruel ass murder. It just pops out fucking heads, have you ever wondered what having your head POPPED would feel like? Well imagine if all you had was a head! And of all things to murder it chooses bubbles! One of the few non-animal beings sent to earth with a life changing mission.
In case you haven’t heard Mother Nature sent us bubbles to earth with a singular clear and incontestable objective – to be nature’s wonder! To be beautiful yet fragile spheres that can morph and character shift yet always return to their usual shape, made out of a miniscule membrane of soap and water, or sometimes, and these are only our cousins mind you, saliva or occasionally a weird nostril snot bubble, and us proper soap and water dealies, we have a mission, to remind humans that no matter how much they invent things and figure out ways to exploit their resources in all sorts of wonderful and awful ways, they still have never invented anything as beautiful and pure as a bubble, and then just as their amazement is ready to reach a fever pitch we are instructed to have a kid slap us to death or defy gravity and float on back to heaven.
Now I know that’s not really a singular objective, or a clear one if I’m honest, and you can sure as hell contest it, but we can’t because that was a direct order from Mother Nature.
Yes the Mother Nature, God’s mistress, the very same woman who created the leaves that change color, the smell of fresh vanilla and who god uses for sexual relief seeing as his wife Mary keeps thinking God is just joking when he says ‘now its ok for you to lose your virginity’.
Typical day in heaven:
‘I just didn’t want Joseph to bang you baby, so I made up that whole virgin thing to keep you for myself, but now we’re up here together lets get those legs open’
‘I distinctly remember you telling me, that time you gave me gonorrhea and then appeared while I was trying to figure out what was wrong, and you we’re all like “check it out, I’m a burning bush!” and I thought that was actually kind of funny, and a relief because I was a virgin and it would have sucked to get gonorrhea without even getting laid, but you were all like “I’m just joking around with this burning bush deal, but you really do have to remain a virgin” so that’s what I am doing, remaining a virgin’
‘But that was me telling you then, and now it is the same me telling you its ok to make love to me, you are giving the definition of ‘remain’ too much strength, its just remain, you know, for a while, like up to a certain point, say remain this way until the 3rd of June’
‘But you didn’t say 3rd of June, or till heaven, or whatever, you just said ‘remain’ I am not going to betray you god, I swore I never would, not after you gave me little baby Jesus’
‘Yes, and don’t you understand what a sacrifice I made knocking you up without even getting my rocks off! You owe me a bang Mary, it’s time alright’
‘It’s not time until “remain” is over
‘Aaaaagghhhhhhh!!!! ……..Jesus Christ!!!........ Son, Son, I’m calling your name; get in here, when I call for you. Take your mother for a walk, I need the condo to myself for a moment, I need to make a phone call……….’
‘Ok Daddy-o’
‘Ring Ring, Ring Ring, Jesus Christ Fucking kids!’
‘Hello’
‘Hey Jim, shit, seriously man, why did I have kids? It ALWAYS fucks the sex up!’
‘I told you god, just look at all the humans down there, the sex is always fucked up’
‘That’s why I said no sex before marriage and go forth and multiply, I was just trying to give married guys a chance, shit, anyway, so why I was calling was, so um, hey Jim, can you get Mother Nature on the phone for me?....... Actually just have her come on over, I have a special project I need her to work on’
‘Woah ho ho, god, my man, do I detect a wetland you want to explore, maybe a redwood forest you’d like her to erect!’
‘DON’T BE GROSS JIM! Remember who you are fucking talking to! Fuck me, I am fucking god and I can’t get laid without dealing with your shit and without fucking around on my wife, the least you can do is be a little discreet, its supposed to be heaven for me too Jim!’
‘Sorry god, sorry, just you know guy talk? Never mind, I’ll send her right over, I think she’s had a good rest since fucking up Japan by now, man did you really tell her you were going to leave Mary for her and then not go through with it? Shit she was really pissed off!’
Back to the bubble:
Don’t you see, sky, you wanker! These people are not people you mess with. Mother Nature is in a fragile state right now, you know that, and I know that!
What do you mean ‘what has that got to do with Bubbles’? How do you not know this stuff?
As you should have heard by now, Mother Nature came to our bubbles meeting this week, you know the Bubbles Union: Bubbles Believe Life Escalates Spectacularly – Or BU:BBLES for short. Well you know what she screamed at our leader while she was there?
‘You’re supposed to be a perfect example of nature’s ability to defy the odds and be miraculous you little shit, fucking straighten the fuck up, at least a quarter of you bubbles start ascending all the way fucking back up to heaven or I’ll make everyone of you wish you were a bubble of blood coming out of a stabbed lung!’
That’s a direct quote, this lady is pissed off and this is getting really serious Sky!
What do you mean ‘how serious?’
Since you clearly haven’t been reading your history books I’ll fill you in.
6,495, 455, 092 BC – An adolescent God asks Mother Nature to go to the prom, she doesn’t realize who he is so she says yes but won’t let him go further than an over the dress breast rub. Then she’s talking to her friend Stacey and hears her say ‘oh my god, I can’t believe you went to the prom with god, did you bang him, oh please let me know you banged him’
‘Wait, Stacey, do you mean my date, he said his name was Doug?’
‘Oh my god, are you stupid, have you never done a word scramble you’re supposed to mix the letters around and go u-god? And he says ‘yes, you cracked the code’, then you totally get to bang god! Please tell me you banged him anyway?’
‘I let him feel my boobs!’
‘Did he fondle your nipples?’
‘Well it was only over my dress’
‘Oh no, Mother Nature, seriously? I’m so sorry’
‘I did get his number?’
‘Well if that is his real number I’d be calling him and banging him as fast as possible, you know Mother Science is telling everyone she’s going to take his virginity don’t you?’
‘Oh no, not Mother Science, I fucking hate her, really are you sure?
‘She’s told everyone; apparently she’s already on the pill! Stupid science whore, she wants to bang God and instead of using the faith based science method she’s using Science, everyone wants you to bang him first Mother Nature, you’ve got to!’
‘Thanks Stacey, I’ll call him now, oh and by the way, how come we’re all ‘mother something’s’ and you’re just Stacey?’
‘(Bursting into tears) because I had an abortion and ruined by uterus, and now I can never BE a mother, stupid faith based withdrawal method!’
Despite Stacey soon being institutionalized for severe depression, Mother Nature did call God, and it turned out he wanted to bang her too, and so they banged, they banged a hell of a lot of times actually. Lots and lots of banging. You know like a playing the drums, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang bang, bang.
Shut up sky, I was just about to get to the point. Besides why do you keep interrupting me, I am trying to talk to humans right now!
Ok, so then one day, as God was finishing up his masterpiece, cheese, which he created on his big scrap hole failure pile that he called earth, Mother Nature decided to help him fix his big disaster. She decided to give dew a new order to look gorgeous over fields in the early morn. A task it took on with enthusiasm, regularly showing up all over the world, and sometimes even in New Zealand (ha ha, a little bit of geography humor there) But then disaster struck when a caveman used the footprints in the dew to follow a Tyrannosaurus Rex and steal his cheese, god’s masterpiece was supposed to be eaten by his favorite animal, not those weak little human things. (oh wait, that’s you people, um um um, I mean like closer to monkey versions of you, not like actually humans, phew saved it).
God was pissed off, and decided that he would wipe out his dinosaurs, if they weren’t going to enjoy cheese then what was the point. Mother Nature was devastated, she blamed herself and ran away, and god got blue balls so bad he decided to fuck humans over and make it so that time goes real fast when you’re having fun but real slow when you’re bored.
People on earth don’t know what’s going on up there, they just think it’s the fault of the new invention dew, and they have never forgiven it ‘Auugg, I left my shoes outside and now they’re all covered in dew’ you’ll hear them say.
You know how it goes sky? Those two are on and off all the time. When they’re on its great for everything and everyone, but then Mother Nature, for example, gives god Mirrored lakes next to mountain tops to thank him for bringing the clitoris idea he’d put on earth up to heaven too, but it turns out the lakes ripple from the smallest pebble ruining the glass like mirror reflection, and Mother Nature gets upset and ashamed again, and doesn’t put out, suddenly god’s pissed off at humans for throwing pebbles and makes it so the more delicious the food is the worst it is for human health, and then humans get so pissed off at Lakes that they don’t just throw rocks at them, but ‘skip’ rocks so they hit lakes multiple times with one rock!
Or like the time Mother Nature gave God the gift of shadows to thank him for being by her side, but then a million years later you humans built ridiculously huge buildings, with shadows that cast across cities and deserts, and at certain times they makes a shadow so long and phallic shaped that people for thousands of miles start randomly thinking about Penis. Once again Mother Nature is all embarrassed, and she doesn’t want to remind God of her latest failure by playing with his penis, God gets blue balls and makes it so sex gives humans diseases. And humans never forgave shadows, they’re all like ‘what’s hiding in the shadows?’ ‘And you’re a ‘shady’ character William’.
Well it’s happening again Sky. Since humans invented those tip that circle thing in the dipping trey and then blow on it and make thousands of bubbles, bubbles have become more and more prolific, and you better believe Mother Nature is noticing that her gift to God to make him feel better over that whole start of the Mormons issue, is starting to look really bad, and if she gets all ashamed again and stops giving it up to God there is no telling what God will do to the humans next!
What’s that got to do with you sky? You have no patience do you? Well just for the that I will tell you, but it will be….
TO BE CONTINUED
WE INTERUPT THIS BLOG WITH AN EMERGENCY. WE NOW TAKE YOU TO A SMALL WIND FREE AUDITORIUM TO HEAR FROM A BUBBLE.
Bubble.
Hello, my name is Jeremy, and as you can see, I am a bubble. Ok, better start with some pleasantries, um, how about that weather everyone. Today I was floating around out in the sunshine and people are all like, ‘hey bubble, how about the weather man, blue skies and that’? And I’m like ‘yeah, blue skies, and that man’
Ok, that was the pleasantries, now onto business at hand:
FUCK YOU!!!!!!
Do you know what happens when us bubbles go up into the sky you assholes? The sky murders us! Cold blooded cruel ass murder. It just pops out fucking heads, have you ever wondered what having your head POPPED would feel like? Well imagine if all you had was a head! And of all things to murder it chooses bubbles! One of the few non-animal beings sent to earth with a life changing mission.
In case you haven’t heard Mother Nature sent us bubbles to earth with a singular clear and incontestable objective – to be nature’s wonder! To be beautiful yet fragile spheres that can morph and character shift yet always return to their usual shape, made out of a miniscule membrane of soap and water, or sometimes, and these are only our cousins mind you, saliva or occasionally a weird nostril snot bubble, and us proper soap and water dealies, we have a mission, to remind humans that no matter how much they invent things and figure out ways to exploit their resources in all sorts of wonderful and awful ways, they still have never invented anything as beautiful and pure as a bubble, and then just as their amazement is ready to reach a fever pitch we are instructed to have a kid slap us to death or defy gravity and float on back to heaven.
Now I know that’s not really a singular objective, or a clear one if I’m honest, and you can sure as hell contest it, but we can’t because that was a direct order from Mother Nature.
Yes the Mother Nature, God’s mistress, the very same woman who created the leaves that change color, the smell of fresh vanilla and who god uses for sexual relief seeing as his wife Mary keeps thinking God is just joking when he says ‘now its ok for you to lose your virginity’.
Typical day in heaven:
‘I just didn’t want Joseph to bang you baby, so I made up that whole virgin thing to keep you for myself, but now we’re up here together lets get those legs open’
‘I distinctly remember you telling me, that time you gave me gonorrhea and then appeared while I was trying to figure out what was wrong, and you we’re all like “check it out, I’m a burning bush!” and I thought that was actually kind of funny, and a relief because I was a virgin and it would have sucked to get gonorrhea without even getting laid, but you were all like “I’m just joking around with this burning bush deal, but you really do have to remain a virgin” so that’s what I am doing, remaining a virgin’
‘But that was me telling you then, and now it is the same me telling you its ok to make love to me, you are giving the definition of ‘remain’ too much strength, its just remain, you know, for a while, like up to a certain point, say remain this way until the 3rd of June’
‘But you didn’t say 3rd of June, or till heaven, or whatever, you just said ‘remain’ I am not going to betray you god, I swore I never would, not after you gave me little baby Jesus’
‘Yes, and don’t you understand what a sacrifice I made knocking you up without even getting my rocks off! You owe me a bang Mary, it’s time alright’
‘It’s not time until “remain” is over
‘Aaaaagghhhhhhh!!!! ……..Jesus Christ!!!........ Son, Son, I’m calling your name; get in here, when I call for you. Take your mother for a walk, I need the condo to myself for a moment, I need to make a phone call……….’
‘Ok Daddy-o’
‘Ring Ring, Ring Ring, Jesus Christ Fucking kids!’
‘Hello’
‘Hey Jim, shit, seriously man, why did I have kids? It ALWAYS fucks the sex up!’
‘I told you god, just look at all the humans down there, the sex is always fucked up’
‘That’s why I said no sex before marriage and go forth and multiply, I was just trying to give married guys a chance, shit, anyway, so why I was calling was, so um, hey Jim, can you get Mother Nature on the phone for me?....... Actually just have her come on over, I have a special project I need her to work on’
‘Woah ho ho, god, my man, do I detect a wetland you want to explore, maybe a redwood forest you’d like her to erect!’
‘DON’T BE GROSS JIM! Remember who you are fucking talking to! Fuck me, I am fucking god and I can’t get laid without dealing with your shit and without fucking around on my wife, the least you can do is be a little discreet, its supposed to be heaven for me too Jim!’
‘Sorry god, sorry, just you know guy talk? Never mind, I’ll send her right over, I think she’s had a good rest since fucking up Japan by now, man did you really tell her you were going to leave Mary for her and then not go through with it? Shit she was really pissed off!’
Back to the bubble:
Don’t you see, sky, you wanker! These people are not people you mess with. Mother Nature is in a fragile state right now, you know that, and I know that!
What do you mean ‘what has that got to do with Bubbles’? How do you not know this stuff?
As you should have heard by now, Mother Nature came to our bubbles meeting this week, you know the Bubbles Union: Bubbles Believe Life Escalates Spectacularly – Or BU:BBLES for short. Well you know what she screamed at our leader while she was there?
‘You’re supposed to be a perfect example of nature’s ability to defy the odds and be miraculous you little shit, fucking straighten the fuck up, at least a quarter of you bubbles start ascending all the way fucking back up to heaven or I’ll make everyone of you wish you were a bubble of blood coming out of a stabbed lung!’
That’s a direct quote, this lady is pissed off and this is getting really serious Sky!
What do you mean ‘how serious?’
Since you clearly haven’t been reading your history books I’ll fill you in.
6,495, 455, 092 BC – An adolescent God asks Mother Nature to go to the prom, she doesn’t realize who he is so she says yes but won’t let him go further than an over the dress breast rub. Then she’s talking to her friend Stacey and hears her say ‘oh my god, I can’t believe you went to the prom with god, did you bang him, oh please let me know you banged him’
‘Wait, Stacey, do you mean my date, he said his name was Doug?’
‘Oh my god, are you stupid, have you never done a word scramble you’re supposed to mix the letters around and go u-god? And he says ‘yes, you cracked the code’, then you totally get to bang god! Please tell me you banged him anyway?’
‘I let him feel my boobs!’
‘Did he fondle your nipples?’
‘Well it was only over my dress’
‘Oh no, Mother Nature, seriously? I’m so sorry’
‘I did get his number?’
‘Well if that is his real number I’d be calling him and banging him as fast as possible, you know Mother Science is telling everyone she’s going to take his virginity don’t you?’
‘Oh no, not Mother Science, I fucking hate her, really are you sure?
‘She’s told everyone; apparently she’s already on the pill! Stupid science whore, she wants to bang God and instead of using the faith based science method she’s using Science, everyone wants you to bang him first Mother Nature, you’ve got to!’
‘Thanks Stacey, I’ll call him now, oh and by the way, how come we’re all ‘mother something’s’ and you’re just Stacey?’
‘(Bursting into tears) because I had an abortion and ruined by uterus, and now I can never BE a mother, stupid faith based withdrawal method!’
Despite Stacey soon being institutionalized for severe depression, Mother Nature did call God, and it turned out he wanted to bang her too, and so they banged, they banged a hell of a lot of times actually. Lots and lots of banging. You know like a playing the drums, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang bang, bang.
Shut up sky, I was just about to get to the point. Besides why do you keep interrupting me, I am trying to talk to humans right now!
Ok, so then one day, as God was finishing up his masterpiece, cheese, which he created on his big scrap hole failure pile that he called earth, Mother Nature decided to help him fix his big disaster. She decided to give dew a new order to look gorgeous over fields in the early morn. A task it took on with enthusiasm, regularly showing up all over the world, and sometimes even in New Zealand (ha ha, a little bit of geography humor there) But then disaster struck when a caveman used the footprints in the dew to follow a Tyrannosaurus Rex and steal his cheese, god’s masterpiece was supposed to be eaten by his favorite animal, not those weak little human things. (oh wait, that’s you people, um um um, I mean like closer to monkey versions of you, not like actually humans, phew saved it).
God was pissed off, and decided that he would wipe out his dinosaurs, if they weren’t going to enjoy cheese then what was the point. Mother Nature was devastated, she blamed herself and ran away, and god got blue balls so bad he decided to fuck humans over and make it so that time goes real fast when you’re having fun but real slow when you’re bored.
People on earth don’t know what’s going on up there, they just think it’s the fault of the new invention dew, and they have never forgiven it ‘Auugg, I left my shoes outside and now they’re all covered in dew’ you’ll hear them say.
You know how it goes sky? Those two are on and off all the time. When they’re on its great for everything and everyone, but then Mother Nature, for example, gives god Mirrored lakes next to mountain tops to thank him for bringing the clitoris idea he’d put on earth up to heaven too, but it turns out the lakes ripple from the smallest pebble ruining the glass like mirror reflection, and Mother Nature gets upset and ashamed again, and doesn’t put out, suddenly god’s pissed off at humans for throwing pebbles and makes it so the more delicious the food is the worst it is for human health, and then humans get so pissed off at Lakes that they don’t just throw rocks at them, but ‘skip’ rocks so they hit lakes multiple times with one rock!
Or like the time Mother Nature gave God the gift of shadows to thank him for being by her side, but then a million years later you humans built ridiculously huge buildings, with shadows that cast across cities and deserts, and at certain times they makes a shadow so long and phallic shaped that people for thousands of miles start randomly thinking about Penis. Once again Mother Nature is all embarrassed, and she doesn’t want to remind God of her latest failure by playing with his penis, God gets blue balls and makes it so sex gives humans diseases. And humans never forgave shadows, they’re all like ‘what’s hiding in the shadows?’ ‘And you’re a ‘shady’ character William’.
Well it’s happening again Sky. Since humans invented those tip that circle thing in the dipping trey and then blow on it and make thousands of bubbles, bubbles have become more and more prolific, and you better believe Mother Nature is noticing that her gift to God to make him feel better over that whole start of the Mormons issue, is starting to look really bad, and if she gets all ashamed again and stops giving it up to God there is no telling what God will do to the humans next!
What’s that got to do with you sky? You have no patience do you? Well just for the that I will tell you, but it will be….
TO BE CONTINUED
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
How Scarlett seduced Sean
According to Star magazine 'Scarlett Johansson seduced Sean Penn'. Now I cannot confirm or deny this, but it sounds fucking ludicrous to me, so if its true I kind of think it probably went a little bit like this.
Scarlett Johansson - Hi Sean
Sean Penn - Oh my god, hi, Scarlett, Oh shit I just came in my pants
SJ - Ha Ha, how are you?
SP - Seriously shut the fuck up and leave me alone, my jeans are ruined and my boner is so fucking raging I think I am going to burst a blood vessel
SJ - You're so funny, what have you been up to?
SP - Are you not listening you idiot? Do you not know who I am?
SJ - Of course, one of the most respected actors of a generation, if we banged I might have some 'respect' in my vagina for once
SP - Seriously? Please stop that. For starters I am not just respected but I consider myself a genius of such high level that my actions can stop wars and natural disasters, but that's not what I meant, I mean do you know who I was married too?
SJ - Oh yeah Robin!
SP - Yes Robin Wright, a very talented actress and great person, but someone most known for playing 'Jenny', a girl who fucked a retard then died of AIDs, do you know what that does to your sex life?
SJ - Sorry, I zoned out, did you say sex? Have you seen how curvy I am, how heaving my breasts are and how raspy my voice is? Apparently these things make everyone want to have sex with me, I don't know if its true, but everyone I have ever met has wanted to have sex with me, good thing for them I usually let them!
SP - Seriously fuck you, don't say shit like that, (stay calm boner blood vessels, stay calm)
SJ - Fuck me? Oh you can if you want, you have Oscars, if I fuck you its like I have Oscars
SP - Do you hear yourself, I just confessed that my married sex life was marred by thoughts of retards and AIDs and you say that to me? Do you know how saturated with cum my pants are right now? (Oh my god, throbbing, throbbing, throbbing)
SJ - Ha Ha, you're so silly Sean, I like silly
SP - Stop it, fucking stop it. I am in my mid fifties, I am well known for being craggy, stand offish, rude, ungrateful, and I claim I spend everyday living in Haiti helping the poor, yet still manage to show up all sorts of places outside of Haiti, why are you even talking to me?
SJ - Were you really married?
SP - Seriously? More than once in fact. I hate fame, yet I once married the biggest fame whore of all time - Madonna, a woman who has a gap tooth so wide when she blew me my penis fit between her teeth like a dingy in the ocean, and someone who has forearm veins like a log cabin, have you never seen the tabloids? (Oh my god, why did I think of 'veins'?)
SJ - Whats a tabloid? Is that like a sex act you want to perform on me, cause you can if you want, in my mind it would give me so much career credibility
SP - My god, have some self respect girl, you could be with anyone on earth if you wanted to be, why even talk to an angry old man like me
SJ - Wait, you want to have angry sex? That's one of my 152 favorite types of sex
SP- No, I am trying to say I am a brilliant actor, seriously brilliant, I could play a bottle of coke in a movie about carpet fibers and they would give me Oscars and praise, and I would claim I hate acting and fame, and although I could quite easily give both up, having both makes it easier to pretend I actually care about humanitarian issues more than anything else, and plus money and fame are awesome, even though I pretend to hate them, its like people who are homeless are always saying, 'Sean Penn could give up money and fame and give it all to us, but instead he chooses money and fame, that's how I feel about being homeless, it sucks, but its better than the alternative, so god bless Sean Penn, he is so awesome its worth sleeping on the street for him to exist', yet still, as good as I am, and 'good' is the worlds biggest understatement, but I am brilliant, yet you could bang any guy on earth, (that's right Sean, let the truth ease your boner pain) why would you even consider banging me? (Oh shit, why did I say that, oh my god, don't burst penis vein, please don't burst!)
SJ - Did you say bang? I'd bang just about anyone! I know it sounds weird, but I literally could bang just about anyone on earth, and I am about to bang you, that clearly proves I would bang just about anyone
SP - You'd bang anyone? Aaaaaggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!
SJ - What was that?
SP - Auggh, oh nothing (oh my god my penis vein just burst, holy shit this hurts, cover cover) I was just asking, you'd bang anyone?
SJ - Sure Sean, ha ha, sure Sean, 'bang' that's like a Flintstones character, that sounds funny!
SP - (Holy shit, is she retarded? That's just like Jenny, oh my god, what do I do? Go for it Sean, go for it, just remember how brilliant you are!) So um, even though since we have talked I have dropped so much cum in my pants I am about to pass out from dehydration (oh shit that's smooth Sean, keep it up) I would fuck you so stupid, by which I mean how stupid looking are old man balls?
SJ - Oh my god Sean, you're dehydrated? Poor baby, lets fuck off to Mexico together, people who go there are always getting diarrhea, but if you're cummed out dehydrated I am sure that extra liquid will end up in your testicles instead!
SP - That may be the stupidest thing anyone has ever said, but my god, despite all the many, many, many, many reasons you could so easily do better than me, by apart from anything else, say, going to an NFL game, getting naked and putting a sign up above your head proclaiming 'stick anything inside me' and ending up with random penises, hotdogs and bags of popcorn shoved in you, all of which would be better lovers than me, if not more brilliant artists (no one is a more brilliant artist that me! I've been saying I hate this gig and I want to retire for years, and I haven't, clearly its because I know no one is better than me, remember Sean, remember) still, geez at least a hotdog doesn't have old man balls, despite all that, I am tempted (perfect 'tempted' saves you from rejection should it come, yeah right, as you could act out making love to her and it'd be better than any actual sex she's ever had - goooooo Pennnnnn!!!!)
SJ - Ha ha, popcorn, want to pop open my vagina?
SP - Ok fuck it, and by 'it' I mean 'you' lets piss off to Mexico and bang, but if anyone asks I was in Haiti ok?
SJ - Ha Ha 'asks' is that a sex act you want to perform on me, if you have Oscars you can perform any sex act on me you want
SP - You seriously may be the best invention ever, are you a robot?
SJ - Whats a robot, is that like your penis, oh my god stick your Oscar winning 'robot' in me now!
SP - By the way, have you ever heard of a guy named David Tieck?
SJ - No! Although he sounds like a jealous douche, I'd fuck just about anything but a jealous douche
SP - Me too Scarlett, me too....
SJ & SP - Ha ha ha, jealous douches, what rarely fucked losers!
Scarlett Johansson - Hi Sean
Sean Penn - Oh my god, hi, Scarlett, Oh shit I just came in my pants
SJ - Ha Ha, how are you?
SP - Seriously shut the fuck up and leave me alone, my jeans are ruined and my boner is so fucking raging I think I am going to burst a blood vessel
SJ - You're so funny, what have you been up to?
SP - Are you not listening you idiot? Do you not know who I am?
SJ - Of course, one of the most respected actors of a generation, if we banged I might have some 'respect' in my vagina for once
SP - Seriously? Please stop that. For starters I am not just respected but I consider myself a genius of such high level that my actions can stop wars and natural disasters, but that's not what I meant, I mean do you know who I was married too?
SJ - Oh yeah Robin!
SP - Yes Robin Wright, a very talented actress and great person, but someone most known for playing 'Jenny', a girl who fucked a retard then died of AIDs, do you know what that does to your sex life?
SJ - Sorry, I zoned out, did you say sex? Have you seen how curvy I am, how heaving my breasts are and how raspy my voice is? Apparently these things make everyone want to have sex with me, I don't know if its true, but everyone I have ever met has wanted to have sex with me, good thing for them I usually let them!
SP - Seriously fuck you, don't say shit like that, (stay calm boner blood vessels, stay calm)
SJ - Fuck me? Oh you can if you want, you have Oscars, if I fuck you its like I have Oscars
SP - Do you hear yourself, I just confessed that my married sex life was marred by thoughts of retards and AIDs and you say that to me? Do you know how saturated with cum my pants are right now? (Oh my god, throbbing, throbbing, throbbing)
SJ - Ha Ha, you're so silly Sean, I like silly
SP - Stop it, fucking stop it. I am in my mid fifties, I am well known for being craggy, stand offish, rude, ungrateful, and I claim I spend everyday living in Haiti helping the poor, yet still manage to show up all sorts of places outside of Haiti, why are you even talking to me?
SJ - Were you really married?
SP - Seriously? More than once in fact. I hate fame, yet I once married the biggest fame whore of all time - Madonna, a woman who has a gap tooth so wide when she blew me my penis fit between her teeth like a dingy in the ocean, and someone who has forearm veins like a log cabin, have you never seen the tabloids? (Oh my god, why did I think of 'veins'?)
SJ - Whats a tabloid? Is that like a sex act you want to perform on me, cause you can if you want, in my mind it would give me so much career credibility
SP - My god, have some self respect girl, you could be with anyone on earth if you wanted to be, why even talk to an angry old man like me
SJ - Wait, you want to have angry sex? That's one of my 152 favorite types of sex
SP- No, I am trying to say I am a brilliant actor, seriously brilliant, I could play a bottle of coke in a movie about carpet fibers and they would give me Oscars and praise, and I would claim I hate acting and fame, and although I could quite easily give both up, having both makes it easier to pretend I actually care about humanitarian issues more than anything else, and plus money and fame are awesome, even though I pretend to hate them, its like people who are homeless are always saying, 'Sean Penn could give up money and fame and give it all to us, but instead he chooses money and fame, that's how I feel about being homeless, it sucks, but its better than the alternative, so god bless Sean Penn, he is so awesome its worth sleeping on the street for him to exist', yet still, as good as I am, and 'good' is the worlds biggest understatement, but I am brilliant, yet you could bang any guy on earth, (that's right Sean, let the truth ease your boner pain) why would you even consider banging me? (Oh shit, why did I say that, oh my god, don't burst penis vein, please don't burst!)
SJ - Did you say bang? I'd bang just about anyone! I know it sounds weird, but I literally could bang just about anyone on earth, and I am about to bang you, that clearly proves I would bang just about anyone
SP - You'd bang anyone? Aaaaaggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!
SJ - What was that?
SP - Auggh, oh nothing (oh my god my penis vein just burst, holy shit this hurts, cover cover) I was just asking, you'd bang anyone?
SJ - Sure Sean, ha ha, sure Sean, 'bang' that's like a Flintstones character, that sounds funny!
SP - (Holy shit, is she retarded? That's just like Jenny, oh my god, what do I do? Go for it Sean, go for it, just remember how brilliant you are!) So um, even though since we have talked I have dropped so much cum in my pants I am about to pass out from dehydration (oh shit that's smooth Sean, keep it up) I would fuck you so stupid, by which I mean how stupid looking are old man balls?
SJ - Oh my god Sean, you're dehydrated? Poor baby, lets fuck off to Mexico together, people who go there are always getting diarrhea, but if you're cummed out dehydrated I am sure that extra liquid will end up in your testicles instead!
SP - That may be the stupidest thing anyone has ever said, but my god, despite all the many, many, many, many reasons you could so easily do better than me, by apart from anything else, say, going to an NFL game, getting naked and putting a sign up above your head proclaiming 'stick anything inside me' and ending up with random penises, hotdogs and bags of popcorn shoved in you, all of which would be better lovers than me, if not more brilliant artists (no one is a more brilliant artist that me! I've been saying I hate this gig and I want to retire for years, and I haven't, clearly its because I know no one is better than me, remember Sean, remember) still, geez at least a hotdog doesn't have old man balls, despite all that, I am tempted (perfect 'tempted' saves you from rejection should it come, yeah right, as you could act out making love to her and it'd be better than any actual sex she's ever had - goooooo Pennnnnn!!!!)
SJ - Ha ha, popcorn, want to pop open my vagina?
SP - Ok fuck it, and by 'it' I mean 'you' lets piss off to Mexico and bang, but if anyone asks I was in Haiti ok?
SJ - Ha Ha 'asks' is that a sex act you want to perform on me, if you have Oscars you can perform any sex act on me you want
SP - You seriously may be the best invention ever, are you a robot?
SJ - Whats a robot, is that like your penis, oh my god stick your Oscar winning 'robot' in me now!
SP - By the way, have you ever heard of a guy named David Tieck?
SJ - No! Although he sounds like a jealous douche, I'd fuck just about anything but a jealous douche
SP - Me too Scarlett, me too....
SJ & SP - Ha ha ha, jealous douches, what rarely fucked losers!
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Equality is all about equality
Snow is equal to a plasma tv, stick enough of either up your nose and you'll wish you were born in Africa
A happy birthday sign is = to a glass of water. Pull either out of your underpants and you wear way too big underpants
Making love to a Victorias Secret model is = to a bear licking your ear lobe. If no one else saw it, then it didn't happen
The missionary position is = to a shot of tequila. Give either to a 9yo and there is something wrong with your morals. Plus I'm here ladies!
A slam dunk is = a to bowl of chilli, you make either in a fish tank & PETA hates you
The whites of the eye are = to saying 'hello governor', both would be massively desirable if coming out of a victoria secret models vagina
A victoria secret model is = to murder; not worth the fantasy
Dave Tieck's mind is = a 49 inch penis, just be glad you have neither deep inside of you :)
A happy birthday sign is = to a glass of water. Pull either out of your underpants and you wear way too big underpants
Making love to a Victorias Secret model is = to a bear licking your ear lobe. If no one else saw it, then it didn't happen
The missionary position is = to a shot of tequila. Give either to a 9yo and there is something wrong with your morals. Plus I'm here ladies!
A slam dunk is = a to bowl of chilli, you make either in a fish tank & PETA hates you
The whites of the eye are = to saying 'hello governor', both would be massively desirable if coming out of a victoria secret models vagina
A victoria secret model is = to murder; not worth the fantasy
Dave Tieck's mind is = a 49 inch penis, just be glad you have neither deep inside of you :)
Saturday, March 5, 2011
It takes a crazy person to understand a crazy person
I just walked around in a cold, windy, snowy and totally freezing Chicago for a couple of hours with nothing for warmth but a light hoodie. I know crazy!
On the bright side, having a nibble on crazy I've now gotten a taste for what Charlie Sheen is going through, and I can officially and exclusively reveal the following:
When Charlie says 'winning!' it's merely an abbreviated match up of 'weiner' and 'bleeding'. You'd be screaming and ranting too if you're herpes were that bad.
Tiger Woods stopped by his house just to gloat and say 'ha ha, I still fuck more whores than you'. So he bit Tiger's dick off. Frankly Tiger deserved it.
Now that he has 'Tiger Blood' on his fangs he realizes there are a lot of other whore loving dicks out there that deserve it as much as Tiger. He's going to work from oldest to youngest, watch out everyone from Warren Beatty down to Justin Beiber, for the love of god he's just trying to save you from herpes like his! Ouch.
His trim figure is the result of snorting cottage cheese every morning.
The girl who pays Rose on Two and a half men is from New Zealand, and there was just a huge earthquake in New Zealand, coincidence - probably!
He loves recreating his father's famous mirror punching scene from Apocalypse now, unfortunately women look like mirrors to him.
He thinks people who make lists like this so far after the crazy began are super cool and charming (aww thanks Charlie)
He thinks his replacement on Two and a half should be way different than him 'like a crazy long haired Australian with a name like David' he believes (wow Charlie you're making me blush, how dare people call you crazy).
His first addiction was staring off into the distance at the end of dilapidated piers. They have now been added to the list of 'gateway' drugs the DEA is keeping an eye on.
His cameo in Wall St 2 was by far the best part of that movie.
'Wow seriously' he just thought 'I was amazing on Two and a half men but even I'd prefer I was replaced by a long haired Aussie dude, I mean that's something we just haven't seen on TV!'
He once nearly went crazy after watching an episode of the Simpsons 'oh my god, can drawings talk?' he screamed at the time. When he found out his own drawings never talked he got mad then had sex with a porn star. After she said 'are you still mad baby' and he laughed and laughed.
Every time he hears the Fleetwood Mac lyric 'Thunder only happens when its raining' he can't help but yell BULLSHIT! Thunder happens without rain ALL THE TIME! Geez, and they call ME crazy!
'Oh my god' he just realized 'They could have Charlie die and at the will reading find out Charlie left the house to a never seen son he had after a fling with an Aussie tourist 25 years ago. The will states his son, David, we'll call him, is told he gets the house, the cars and money as long as he lets Alan and Jake stay for free. And although David and Charlie never met, it's clear that son took after daddy' he just thought 'that's genius, chuck chuck, all's forgiven if you make this happen'!
He's actually faking it, in reality he's thinking of running for public office and knows his old persona came off way too smart for that.
Wow it all makes perfect sense now!
On the bright side, having a nibble on crazy I've now gotten a taste for what Charlie Sheen is going through, and I can officially and exclusively reveal the following:
When Charlie says 'winning!' it's merely an abbreviated match up of 'weiner' and 'bleeding'. You'd be screaming and ranting too if you're herpes were that bad.
Tiger Woods stopped by his house just to gloat and say 'ha ha, I still fuck more whores than you'. So he bit Tiger's dick off. Frankly Tiger deserved it.
Now that he has 'Tiger Blood' on his fangs he realizes there are a lot of other whore loving dicks out there that deserve it as much as Tiger. He's going to work from oldest to youngest, watch out everyone from Warren Beatty down to Justin Beiber, for the love of god he's just trying to save you from herpes like his! Ouch.
His trim figure is the result of snorting cottage cheese every morning.
The girl who pays Rose on Two and a half men is from New Zealand, and there was just a huge earthquake in New Zealand, coincidence - probably!
He loves recreating his father's famous mirror punching scene from Apocalypse now, unfortunately women look like mirrors to him.
He thinks people who make lists like this so far after the crazy began are super cool and charming (aww thanks Charlie)
He thinks his replacement on Two and a half should be way different than him 'like a crazy long haired Australian with a name like David' he believes (wow Charlie you're making me blush, how dare people call you crazy).
His first addiction was staring off into the distance at the end of dilapidated piers. They have now been added to the list of 'gateway' drugs the DEA is keeping an eye on.
His cameo in Wall St 2 was by far the best part of that movie.
'Wow seriously' he just thought 'I was amazing on Two and a half men but even I'd prefer I was replaced by a long haired Aussie dude, I mean that's something we just haven't seen on TV!'
He once nearly went crazy after watching an episode of the Simpsons 'oh my god, can drawings talk?' he screamed at the time. When he found out his own drawings never talked he got mad then had sex with a porn star. After she said 'are you still mad baby' and he laughed and laughed.
Every time he hears the Fleetwood Mac lyric 'Thunder only happens when its raining' he can't help but yell BULLSHIT! Thunder happens without rain ALL THE TIME! Geez, and they call ME crazy!
'Oh my god' he just realized 'They could have Charlie die and at the will reading find out Charlie left the house to a never seen son he had after a fling with an Aussie tourist 25 years ago. The will states his son, David, we'll call him, is told he gets the house, the cars and money as long as he lets Alan and Jake stay for free. And although David and Charlie never met, it's clear that son took after daddy' he just thought 'that's genius, chuck chuck, all's forgiven if you make this happen'!
He's actually faking it, in reality he's thinking of running for public office and knows his old persona came off way too smart for that.
Wow it all makes perfect sense now!
Monday, January 24, 2011
Shocking discoveries
There was a story in the paper today about a survey that had discovered that Australians dream job is to travel for a living, now here is where the shocking part comes in, get this, the survey was conducted by a travel website! Wow.
I'll give you a moment or to to take that in. That's right, people who take the time to fill out a random survey on travel website kind of sort of like travel! Have I said wow yet?
I know it's shocking, but what's worse is that this is just another example of the mainstream media using shocking discoveries to blindside us from the real horrors, creating panic spirals that spiral out of control like spiral tsunamis but more spiral like kind of like those tornado dealies.
Consider these shocking facts that did NOT make the news this week:
- Cheese tastes GOOD on pizza
- Stabbing yourself in the testicles does NOT feel good
- Chanting ‘Stan, Stan he’s our man, if he can’t do it no one can’ is a terrible way of talking a guy named Abul into doing a suicide bombing
- Trying to talk someone into doing a suicide bombing isn’t very nice
- I mean seriously, if you do a suicide bombing you die, what did Abul ever do to you?
And yet just this week people made pizza without cheese, Abul was taunted, and men stabbed their testicles thinking it would feel good. All because of the media’s shocking use of shocking people.
Well I am not going to take it anymore, I’m letting the truth out now, take these fact media you fact regurgitating type people when you feel like it but ignoring these facts!
- The eyes are not a window to the soul, windows are see-though! (Unless they’re really dirty, wait are my pupils just really imbedded dirt?)
- The phrase ‘you look like you’re ready to be milked’ is a huge faux-paux in the cow community, they frown heavily on the use of English
- A half melted ice-cream is the same as a half melted glacier, both are more fun to lick that stick in your ear. You know, ear infections and that, plus brrrr
- It must be great to be one of those car loving guys, every time you’re in a traffic jam you’d get to be all ‘Oh my god oh my god, check it out, oh wow, yay, cars cars cars, cars everywhere, I feel like a gay boy at a gay boy rally for gay boys to all hang out with lots more gay boys, except you know cars instead of gay boys, then again being a car guy is super gay!’ Lucky bastards
- If you stick the game boggle up your bum and you’re a terrible speller you’ll have a tough time explaining that to your English teacher
- If you play I love you, I love you not with the petals of the flower you better not be trying to find out if it’s the flower that loves you, you disemboweling bastard
Take that mainstream media, you’re not shocking anyone anymore!!!!!
I'll give you a moment or to to take that in. That's right, people who take the time to fill out a random survey on travel website kind of sort of like travel! Have I said wow yet?
I know it's shocking, but what's worse is that this is just another example of the mainstream media using shocking discoveries to blindside us from the real horrors, creating panic spirals that spiral out of control like spiral tsunamis but more spiral like kind of like those tornado dealies.
Consider these shocking facts that did NOT make the news this week:
- Cheese tastes GOOD on pizza
- Stabbing yourself in the testicles does NOT feel good
- Chanting ‘Stan, Stan he’s our man, if he can’t do it no one can’ is a terrible way of talking a guy named Abul into doing a suicide bombing
- Trying to talk someone into doing a suicide bombing isn’t very nice
- I mean seriously, if you do a suicide bombing you die, what did Abul ever do to you?
And yet just this week people made pizza without cheese, Abul was taunted, and men stabbed their testicles thinking it would feel good. All because of the media’s shocking use of shocking people.
Well I am not going to take it anymore, I’m letting the truth out now, take these fact media you fact regurgitating type people when you feel like it but ignoring these facts!
- The eyes are not a window to the soul, windows are see-though! (Unless they’re really dirty, wait are my pupils just really imbedded dirt?)
- The phrase ‘you look like you’re ready to be milked’ is a huge faux-paux in the cow community, they frown heavily on the use of English
- A half melted ice-cream is the same as a half melted glacier, both are more fun to lick that stick in your ear. You know, ear infections and that, plus brrrr
- It must be great to be one of those car loving guys, every time you’re in a traffic jam you’d get to be all ‘Oh my god oh my god, check it out, oh wow, yay, cars cars cars, cars everywhere, I feel like a gay boy at a gay boy rally for gay boys to all hang out with lots more gay boys, except you know cars instead of gay boys, then again being a car guy is super gay!’ Lucky bastards
- If you stick the game boggle up your bum and you’re a terrible speller you’ll have a tough time explaining that to your English teacher
- If you play I love you, I love you not with the petals of the flower you better not be trying to find out if it’s the flower that loves you, you disemboweling bastard
Take that mainstream media, you’re not shocking anyone anymore!!!!!
Thursday, January 6, 2011
This is how to fly
It’s pilot season in America – the time when networks and cable TV stations in the United States decide what new shows will go into production for at least one episode, and also when the casting for said shows happen.
Now when times are shit the sitcom responds, and as we speak apparently times are shit (I’ve been partying and drinking too hard to know if ‘apparently’ means ‘friggin’) (Probably note. Friggin isn’t really a word).
As new sitcoms are likely to be amongst the most popular new shows to at least get a pilot there is something that we must all accept.
It’s time to talk tokens.
Every sitcom has at least one token character. A character who is chosen clearly to represent a different point of view, or minority group, or personality type from the ‘normal’ citizen.
Over the years there have been many, many from the geniusly named ‘Token Black’ from ‘South Park’. To token successfully sluty men like ‘Barney’ from ‘How I met your mother’, ‘Joey’ from ‘Friends’, or even ‘Seinfeld’ from ‘Seinfeld’.
There have been token fat guys, token bitch wives, and over and over and over token characters so stupid you know they couldn’t survive the real world like ‘Woody’ from Cheers, ‘Homer’ from the Simpsons, and the four girls from ‘Sex in the City’.
Yet there is one token we have so far been cruely denied.
It’s time for the token crazy Australian.
Writers, producers, and network executives, please take into account the things you get with a token Australian such as myself:
Hard work – It’s only the seventh of this decade and I have already blogged ONCE in the past two months!
Good with animals – I lived with a girl with a cat for a year, and I loved the little cutie kitty, awwwww kitties. I miss the kitty. Can someone give me a cuddle please. Anyone. Don’t make me cuddle my pillow again….. Come here pillow, pillow, pillow…..
A real man – Nothing is as tough and manly as an Aussie, get this I went for a bush walk last week, and when I got mud on my shoes I was all like ‘It’s ok, I can put them in the washing machine, but still, (tear, tear, tear, tear) I hope my poor shoes are ok’
Please note: Tear as in tear from my eyes while crying, not as in tear a piece of paper, I mean really, who takes a piece of paper bushwalking?
Consider this:
No Australian has ever been president of the United States of America, so we’re not weighed down from the burden of being the leader of the free world.
No Australian has ever been the Grammy award winner for best new artist more than three consecutive times, so we’re not weighed down from the pressure of finding new ways to bribe Grammy judges year after year.
And
No Australian has ever walked on the moon, so we’re not weighed down by the knowledge of weightlessness.
Coincidence?......
Yes.
Yet a happy coincidence!
I mean shouldn’t all coincidences be happy, if you can’t find joy in coincidence then you may as well jump out of a building at the exact same time as a car with a mattress on the ceiling is driving by right before it crashes into a ‘I hate coincidences’ meeting.
Please note: If you run one of these meetings there is a car about to hit you, RUUUUNNN!!!
Still not convinced?
Seriously you’re not convinced even after than coercive coincidence covenant?
Ok, well what about this
In Australia it is ILLEGAL to murder someone! That’s right. This means, if you assume all laws are always obeyed, as I do, you’ll know that your token Aussie will not be a murderer.
Please note: Unless he has visited the Congo where it is legal to murder someone for lustfully looking at your goat.
Please note 2: There are no goats in the Congo; the lions ate them all.
Please note 3: It is legal to murder a man for watching a lion eat your goat, what you’re too pussy to stand up to a lion to save a goat? What kind of man are you?
Please note 4: Ha ha you’re a pussy and so is the lion in some places where pussy is slang for cat and where this also works when the cat is a huge African jungle leader.
Please note 5: That slang does not work in Australia; we respect lions WAY too much for that.
Please note 6: There is no jungle in Africa, suck on that lions, you’re king of an area you never even get to visit, you fucking pussys. (Unless you count the jungle that makes up basically all of the Congo, but counting's never fun).
Please note 7: The deadliest thing in Australia is: everything – GET ME AWAY FROM THIS, I’m going to DIIIIIEEEEEE!!!!!
Clearly the lesson is if you are responsible for the creation of a new sitcom this pilot season and you would like it to be successful, and/or include an unusual ‘token’, and/or not be all like check it out lets make fun of the pillow cuddler but not in a way that employs him - then please include a token crazy Australian.
Please note: I hate to like bring this up and all, but um, like, you know, I’m kind of a crazy Australian and all, so, um, like, um, you know, I’d be like good in your show in that if you give me a chance. If you hire me I promise to protect your entire goat-herd that you keep in the Congo
Please note 2: You have a goat-herd in the Congo? That’s fucking cool. Maybe your show could have a token Congoean goat too!!!
Now when times are shit the sitcom responds, and as we speak apparently times are shit (I’ve been partying and drinking too hard to know if ‘apparently’ means ‘friggin’) (Probably note. Friggin isn’t really a word).
As new sitcoms are likely to be amongst the most popular new shows to at least get a pilot there is something that we must all accept.
It’s time to talk tokens.
Every sitcom has at least one token character. A character who is chosen clearly to represent a different point of view, or minority group, or personality type from the ‘normal’ citizen.
Over the years there have been many, many from the geniusly named ‘Token Black’ from ‘South Park’. To token successfully sluty men like ‘Barney’ from ‘How I met your mother’, ‘Joey’ from ‘Friends’, or even ‘Seinfeld’ from ‘Seinfeld’.
There have been token fat guys, token bitch wives, and over and over and over token characters so stupid you know they couldn’t survive the real world like ‘Woody’ from Cheers, ‘Homer’ from the Simpsons, and the four girls from ‘Sex in the City’.
Yet there is one token we have so far been cruely denied.
It’s time for the token crazy Australian.
Writers, producers, and network executives, please take into account the things you get with a token Australian such as myself:
Hard work – It’s only the seventh of this decade and I have already blogged ONCE in the past two months!
Good with animals – I lived with a girl with a cat for a year, and I loved the little cutie kitty, awwwww kitties. I miss the kitty. Can someone give me a cuddle please. Anyone. Don’t make me cuddle my pillow again….. Come here pillow, pillow, pillow…..
A real man – Nothing is as tough and manly as an Aussie, get this I went for a bush walk last week, and when I got mud on my shoes I was all like ‘It’s ok, I can put them in the washing machine, but still, (tear, tear, tear, tear) I hope my poor shoes are ok’
Please note: Tear as in tear from my eyes while crying, not as in tear a piece of paper, I mean really, who takes a piece of paper bushwalking?
Consider this:
No Australian has ever been president of the United States of America, so we’re not weighed down from the burden of being the leader of the free world.
No Australian has ever been the Grammy award winner for best new artist more than three consecutive times, so we’re not weighed down from the pressure of finding new ways to bribe Grammy judges year after year.
And
No Australian has ever walked on the moon, so we’re not weighed down by the knowledge of weightlessness.
Coincidence?......
Yes.
Yet a happy coincidence!
I mean shouldn’t all coincidences be happy, if you can’t find joy in coincidence then you may as well jump out of a building at the exact same time as a car with a mattress on the ceiling is driving by right before it crashes into a ‘I hate coincidences’ meeting.
Please note: If you run one of these meetings there is a car about to hit you, RUUUUNNN!!!
Still not convinced?
Seriously you’re not convinced even after than coercive coincidence covenant?
Ok, well what about this
In Australia it is ILLEGAL to murder someone! That’s right. This means, if you assume all laws are always obeyed, as I do, you’ll know that your token Aussie will not be a murderer.
Please note: Unless he has visited the Congo where it is legal to murder someone for lustfully looking at your goat.
Please note 2: There are no goats in the Congo; the lions ate them all.
Please note 3: It is legal to murder a man for watching a lion eat your goat, what you’re too pussy to stand up to a lion to save a goat? What kind of man are you?
Please note 4: Ha ha you’re a pussy and so is the lion in some places where pussy is slang for cat and where this also works when the cat is a huge African jungle leader.
Please note 5: That slang does not work in Australia; we respect lions WAY too much for that.
Please note 6: There is no jungle in Africa, suck on that lions, you’re king of an area you never even get to visit, you fucking pussys. (Unless you count the jungle that makes up basically all of the Congo, but counting's never fun).
Please note 7: The deadliest thing in Australia is: everything – GET ME AWAY FROM THIS, I’m going to DIIIIIEEEEEE!!!!!
Clearly the lesson is if you are responsible for the creation of a new sitcom this pilot season and you would like it to be successful, and/or include an unusual ‘token’, and/or not be all like check it out lets make fun of the pillow cuddler but not in a way that employs him - then please include a token crazy Australian.
Please note: I hate to like bring this up and all, but um, like, you know, I’m kind of a crazy Australian and all, so, um, like, um, you know, I’d be like good in your show in that if you give me a chance. If you hire me I promise to protect your entire goat-herd that you keep in the Congo
Please note 2: You have a goat-herd in the Congo? That’s fucking cool. Maybe your show could have a token Congoean goat too!!!
Saturday, December 11, 2010
It's just unbelievable
I think the word ‘Unbelievable’ should be banished from the English language.
‘Hey, check out this thingy, it’s unbelievable!’
‘WHO THE HELL ARE YOU TO TELL ME WHAT I AM CAPABLE AND INCAPABLE OF BELIEVING YOU BASTARD!’
Monkey colonies living in oxygen pods two miles under sea living off bananas shipped down by black marlin under the promise of monkey on land protection from black marlin predatory deep-sea fisherman.
‘That’s unbelievable!’
No it’s not, it’s the reason I am scared of eating bananas.
Angeles the smaller than fleas that come out in farts to carry away the smell after the smell has lingered for the exact most horrific and/or funny amount of time.
‘That’s unbelievable!’
Um no, it’s the movie script I am trying to sell to Disney.
Girl’s who like sex as much as men
‘That’s unbelievable!’
Um no, well ok, that one is kind of unbelievable.
But wait, check this out, tiny angles that come out of underwater monkey farts that make girls horny, that’s not only believable but something we need to get happening really soon.
Hand me my curry-enriched bananas, I’m onto it fellas.
‘Hey, check out this thingy, it’s unbelievable!’
‘WHO THE HELL ARE YOU TO TELL ME WHAT I AM CAPABLE AND INCAPABLE OF BELIEVING YOU BASTARD!’
Monkey colonies living in oxygen pods two miles under sea living off bananas shipped down by black marlin under the promise of monkey on land protection from black marlin predatory deep-sea fisherman.
‘That’s unbelievable!’
No it’s not, it’s the reason I am scared of eating bananas.
Angeles the smaller than fleas that come out in farts to carry away the smell after the smell has lingered for the exact most horrific and/or funny amount of time.
‘That’s unbelievable!’
Um no, it’s the movie script I am trying to sell to Disney.
Girl’s who like sex as much as men
‘That’s unbelievable!’
Um no, well ok, that one is kind of unbelievable.
But wait, check this out, tiny angles that come out of underwater monkey farts that make girls horny, that’s not only believable but something we need to get happening really soon.
Hand me my curry-enriched bananas, I’m onto it fellas.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
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