The best Day of my Life Metophoria – And the trundle is facetious

 But the story doesn't end there.  

Why?

Because of the following conversation:

‘Did you just sneeze’?

‘Yes, why do you ask?’

‘Because I think I just heard you sneeze’.

‘Yes, I gathered. However I am not asking you why did you think I sneezed. I’m asking why did you query whether I sneezed?’

‘Oh I see. Well I was hoping to have my curiosity and suspicion turn into confirmation and knowledge’.

With this simple conversation we have uncovered numerous undeniable truths.

-       Someone may or may not have sneezed.

-       Someone may or may not have asked them about it.

-       Today was the best day of my life.

-       Some people are dicks.

-       Some people have dicks.

-       Todd is an interesting name for a horse.

But the story does not end there.

Why?

Because of the following conclusion to that conversation, which is actually kind of important, because without a satisfying ending then what the hell was the point of typing this up:

‘I can conclude that your curiosity is indeed suspicious’.

‘And with that conclusion you now have knowledge’.

‘How so?’

‘For it is upon concluding something that one can confirm its termination’.

‘I don't believe that to be incontrovertibly true’.

‘Perhaps not. However it does sound like something that might be true. Am I correct?’

‘I suppose that is something I can agree upon’.

‘Well if it sounds like it might be true how do you know it to not be true?’

‘I never claimed to know it to not be true. Merely that I can't say that for certain, and therefore you cannot say it is for sure not correct’.

‘Ah, but answer this. If you cannot answer it, but also cannot disrepute it, then is it not true that you cannot unravel the mystery behind it’s creation?’

‘Well to be perfectly honest, I don’t know what the fuck is going on anymore, am I the one who sneezed or are you?’

‘Exactly’.

‘Oh oh oh oh, fuck yeah! I understand’.

‘Or do you…’

Aren’t satisfying endings like super satisfying!

With this simple satisfying supposition we have uncovered numerous undeniable truths.

-       Someone may or may not have sneezed.

-       Someone may or may not have asked them about it.

-       Dave felt like using the computers thesaurus feature today.

-       Some people are vaginas.

-       Some people like vaginas.

-       Musky is an interesting smell for a client roster.

‘Or do you…’

A beautiful life lesson

This morning I helped save a toddlers life who'd fallen in the gap between the train and platform. 

Thirty mins later I was standing at the lights and accidentally farted in baby in a strollers face. 

You got to balance your karma people 

The breath of fresh air of the Best day of my existence – Clandestinely does it

 I like to think that if I discovered today that I'd secretly grown a third lung the following would go through my head:

- You're supposed to have two lungs right? Or is it two kidneys and one lung?
- Ok I've looked it up, you are supposed to have two, and one kidney, plus something called a gallbladder, ewwww.
- Wait you're supposed to have two, but I just found out I've got three, holy shit, that's horrible!
- Wait unless that makes me super human, wow, they could call me lung man, and I'd be called to save the world every time there was a world wide emergency involving, um, too much oxygen!
- Yes, that's awesome, and I'd be beloved around the world! Finally. I've been waiting all day to achieve that.
- Then I could totally wear a huge L on my chest! Finally. I've been dreaming of that since I first heard the word 'languid'.
- But wait.
- Oh no
- No no no no no no no.

- No no.

- No no no no.
- I 'secretly' grew the third lung?
- Secret from whom? It's a conspiracy damn it. A dirty, low down, smelly, tasteless, like not 100% tasteless, but just bland and in need of some sort of spice, paprika perhaps, depending on who you were rooting for in the spice wars of the subcontinent, uppity, pretentious fucking conspiracy. And I want to know who started it? Who inspired it? Did that person get given credit as a muse? Where did it start? And why the fuck was I brought into the mix? Do they know something I don’t know? A secret perhaps? No no no no no. Not MORE secrets! Somebody please tell me what’s going on? Where am I? Did the person, tribe or historical event that this place was named after get given credit as a muse? And who even won the spice wars of the subcontinent? I don’t think most people know the answer to that! That means we are doomed to repeat history!! DOOOMED! What will happen to all the Chicken Vindaloo now?

- Wait, Chicken Vindaloo is a thing right?

But I didn’t discoverer today that I'd secretly grown a third lung, which is why it was the best day of my life. Oh also cause I watched an awesome win by the Aussies in the soccer, probably got cast in a play, and ate some delicious ice-cream. But yeah, the highlight was the lung thing.

What did you not find out that you secretly didn’t have today?

The Finest Day of my being – and I hope

Alright, I’ve debated with myself long enough. I am just going to talk about it, because it’s on my mind, and that’s enough of a reason.

I was at a comedy gig this evening and walking back to my car. Upon the way I ran into a kitty on the street. If me sees me a kitty me says hello to that kitty, that’s the way I do things. Because I am an awesome human being.

Little known fact: Awesome human being = person who says hello to kitties.

And that’s an equal sign up there, which makes that math, and math is irrefutable. And irrefutable is an awesome word. Like say if I write another novel any time soon, and I call it ‘The Irrefutable License of Cleavability’ it would definitely sell a million copies. Even if people don’t know what the fuck ‘cleavability’ means, because the title has the word irrefutable in it, and that’s yet another irrefutable fact.

Oh fuck. I am going to have to write that novel now. It’s too good a title to miss out on. I already have so many projects, damn my epic ability to come up with awesome titles.

Back to the kitty. So I stopped and said hello to the kitty, and the kitty came up to me to say hello back, because all kitties love me as they can sense with kitty intuition that I have a great loving heart, and are their friends.

Little known fact: Kitty intuition is the most accurate measuring tool of loving hearts in the known universe. It’s even more powerful than math!

I played with the kitty for a minute or twelve, and then decided I should walk away before we became too attached to each other. It tried to follow me for a little bit, and my heart broke a little bit, but I pressed on.

Note to self: Keep the playing with street cats down to eleven minutes next time, twelve is too dangerous on the love front.

I got in my car and began to drive home, but for some reason I didn’t feel like going home yet. I still wanted to get some exercise tonight, and I thought why not go for my evening walk in the area I was currently in, rather than driving home. So I parked and walked.

Eventually, a long way from where I saw the kitty, a good few miles/ kilometers, I saw a ‘missing cat’ sign. The missing cat looked very familiar. But it was a black and white photo, and a long way from the cat I saw, so I didn’t think too much of it, and walked on. But I started to see more of this poster, and I read the description, and googled the breed, and matches kept coming up. So I messaged the number that I may have seen their cat, and gave some info on my exchange and it’s location.

I wish I had a happy ending right now. I don’t have a sad ending either, thankfully. I have no ending. The message I sent is sitting as ‘delivered’ but not ‘read’. I couldn’t help myself and drove back and tried to find the kitty again, but he was nowhere to be found. Lots of other cats were though, so at least it’s a cat friendly area, and hopefully another cat lover can give it some food, and help it find home.

Anyway, that’s why I wasn’t sure if I wanted to write about it. I am worried for the missing kitty, its name is Oliver, but there is nothing I can do. I have no idea if I saw him, or if I got dangerously close to kidnapping someone else’s cat and giving it to the wrong family.

So all I can do is say this – stay safe tonight kitties of the world. If you are missing your families are looking for you, and if they don’t find you and you run into me instead I promise I will say hello and give you a little love.

Yeah, that’ll do for today’s blog.

Ps: Cleavability – the degree of ease which material can be split.

But how did it get a license?

Keep your eye’s out and open for ‘The Irrefutable License of Cleavability’ – in book stores in a couple of years, give or take, it’s irrefutable!

The best day of my life scenarios - I'll give you the stars

This evening I had to walk somewhere for 20 mins or so directly towards the beast of a hot summer's low setting sun. It inspired a lot of thoughts, such as:

- Holy fuck this sucks.
- I'm like walking right at this fucking thing.
- Seriously, sun, just fucking set you asshole.
- I mean honestly, 'sunset' is not supposed to mean 'set..tle into one annoying spot and stay there'! Move down for fucks sake sun.
- Yes I know it's actually the earth that's moving, not the sun. But honestly, do you think I have the power to make the earth move faster? That's pretty dumb. My telekinesis only works on stars dumbass!
- I like my shoe and sock combination today, matching blue white and red combo on both, but not EXACTLY matching, so it catches your eyes in a pleasant yet not quite right way.
- Walking staring at your feet isn't as bad as I remember it from my ridiculously shy 'please no one look at me' days.
- Yes, I can fucking so move stars with my mind thank you very much, every time I look at stars and think 'I'd like all them to be somewhere else', within a couple of hours or two they always are.
- Bullshit!
- No, not bullshit, no way, more like bull um... Cum? Is that the opposite of shit?
- Well it is fucking now, that'll totally take off and enter the mainstream popular term zeitgeist.
- Good for you, I agree awesome term, very useful too, people say bullshit all the time, you fucking should be able to say 'nahuh, bullCUM'.
- Thankyou, you're not arguing with me anymore?
- Nah, I AM you, well we share the same body and brain at least, and we're in public, I'll save my torture of your soul for home.
- Cheers bud.

Now I have a confession right now. I did not literally think all that as I walked towards the sun. In fact I wrote most this as I merely approached the sun setting in my face period of my day, in fearful anticipation, knowing what it's like, as I take this walk often at this time of the day on this day of the week. Yet when I arrived today the sun turned out not to be too bad. My telekinesis is clearly strengthening, and that other dude who lives in my head is weakening!

Oh my god, both those facts are awesome!

So yeah, best day of my life? BullCUM!!!

A note on my last post

If anyone was worrying, wondering or whimpering in fear for how my walk home ended up, I issue the following statement:

My phone did not die before I got home, but I lied in the past post, I was listening to a podcast not music, and I listened to it all the way home, and therefore was never once left with, shock horror, nothing to entertain me but my own fucked up brain.

However, due to lack of battery, and my obsessive need to not repeat the same walk ever, I did end up taking a less trodden path, through a scary bush trail, and was not willing to risk anymore battery to turn on my phones flashlight feature, which resulted in me A. walking through a spiderweb and B. spending three minutes or so at one point throwing sticks at something I thought may be a snake, but ended up being sticks.

Yes, this is how I actually prioritize my life - send post with a bit of something I think may be funny - battery needed. Watch out for deadly animals - battery not worth risking.

Three people read that post by the time I got home. Totally worth it.

Plus on this bush path I saw a kitty chasing a fox, and I enjoyed seeing that. I also saw some sort of hawk that seemed to be about half the size of a small car. I didn't think such animals existed in Australia. I therefore think that some form of evolutionary development has taken place which will soon see the world overrun with giant animals, run for your lives. Unless you think being eaten seems like it may be swell.

As I was writing this past paragraph I began to suspect that a spider was crawling on my back. I didn't think it was actually happening, as I think this very often, at least a hundred times an hour on days Ive walked through a spiderweb, but this time I did not check until I had finished suggesting being eaten might be fun. I thought that getting that potential humorous suggestion was worth more than my life potentially ending, ironically because of an animal bite.

Please note twice before in my life I have thought that a spider may be crawling on me and yet resisted the temptation to check knowing that I check all the fucking time and there never is a spider on me. Twice, thats how many times before I resisted. BOTH those times it turned out a spider WAS on me.

How the fuck I am alive is a mystery to me.

Ah, stupid person here

Do you ever worry your phones going to die so you turn down the volum of your music? 

I feel like someone's done that

And I knew that as I thought it 

And yet still took out my phone to write this on! 

Then I thought if I add that then it saves the potential joke steal 

Then I thought I better say all that 

I'm still writing this on my phone now and my walk home may totally end up silent 

Stop dickhead 

Alright just post it or it'll be for naught 

What takes more time - editing this or saying I don't have time to edit? 

The best day of my life philosophy - at the yacht club

I'm feeling very philosophical this evening. Possibly because I've been talking philosophical things all evening, and listening to some philosophy podcasts the past couple of days, and possibly because the core idea behind taking a moment or seventy-four each day to think and write about my day as if it's the best of my life is a philosophical master stroke, even if I like to let that manifest itself in absurdist and surreal tangents, and/or silly jokes. 

It's possibly all of those things, and yet remarkably in reality it's none of them, which is like an oxymoron and/ or a perfect representation of basic probability mathematics. 

The real reason that I'm feeling philosophical is because I've had an epiphany and/ or been hit in the head with a brick and am currently in a coma.  

You see at some point in the past 24 hours, I was feeling anxious, as bloody usual, but then I stopped, and suddenly found myself standing in an art gallery, and every art work was brilliant, beautiful, detailed, unique, creative and wonderful. Only I wasn't in any art gallery I was just stopping, looking absolutely anywhere and taking in the entire frame of my vision and treating it as art, discovering the art, being overwhelmed and inspired by the art! 

Please note I have not consumed a drop of alcohol and/ or any type of pharmaceutical this year. So yeah it's the brick right? Or a rock possibly? A yacht mast? I'm open minded. 

Since enjoying the first of these art world of my present environments I've looked at dozens more, and they remain remarkable, each and every one of them. 

Maybe a car battery? A meteorite? A really, really, really stale loaf of bread? 

The point is I love the grammatical tool 'and/ or' - it's so underrated. It makes every statement undeniably true and/ or profoundly brilliant, and that's the kind of probability math that makes me excited by life. Man, I don't think I need ever be bothered by anything again. 

By the way, why is it always 'a' coma, not 'the' coma or multiple comi? Damn narrow minded bullshit. 

An anvil? A baseball bat? A sperm whale carcas? 

(But no, seriously, it's a gift, give it a go). 

Ps there's a guy on the bus in front of me wearing a hat that says 'freedom' but the font makes it read 'pre-cum'. The worlds great :) 

The most awesome day of my time on earth - flat thumbed

You know what's bothering me today? It's how come the phrase -'corn holed as a scrounge harp' Never took off?

I coined that days ago, dropped it in conversation a couple of times, and I'm sure anyone who heard it would have began using it instantly and regularly, add word of mouth, eavesdropping and social media and this thing should have circumnavigated the world by now. 

I mean it's got so many uses: 

- get stuck in traffic 'oh man, I've been corn holed as a scrounge harp!'

- get asked out on a date by a beautiful stranger 'why golly, if that doesn't corn hole me like a scrounge harp'.

- turn on the radio and find your favorite song playing, however it's already half over, but you like the second half better, but that's because of the crescendo, which loses its impact if you don't hear it build up from humbler beginnings 'hmm, I think I've been corn holed in the scrounge harp'. 

- hit your thumb with a hammer 'motherfucking corn holed fucking scrounge harp!!'

Of course if you're going around hitting your thumbs with hammers then you've got issues, other than your lack of awesomely useful phrases, I mean be careful people, how are you going to give people the thumbs up if your thumbs are all flat? People will be all like 'did he just give me a flat thumbed thumbs up, that totally corn holes me just like a scrounge harp' cancel that random gift of a million dollars I planned to give him. 

Still, this awesome phrase has yet to enter the zeitgeist, and if it hasn't yet I can only assume it may not happen till tomorrow. Or even worse may not even happen like at all! 

I think the lesson here is clear - obviously the era of people copying and following and being unoriginal, is over! From now on everyone plans to coin there own cool new and endlessly useful phrases. Wow, that's actually really cool! That would mean the worlds about to get more interesting than ever before, we're going to be literally drowning in awesome new phrases - yes literally!!

Yay, that definitely makes today easily the best day of my life! Why I'd almost go as far as to say that I feel... Gumption end britches over the fing smile! 

Yay. 

The Finest Day of My existence experiment – the dip situation

You know that situation people sometimes find themselves in when they’re on their sofa, like sitting, lying, lounging, or some other position of comfort, and they’re also watching their television that’s positioned conveniently in front of that very same sofa? It’s awesome isn’t it? It’s intensely tremendous even!

I mean think of these facts that we have now established:

-       This person owns at least one piece of furniture.

-       This person owns a television.

-       They have figured out a harmonious spatial relationship between the sofa, the television and possibly even taken into account light sources, the forgotten source.

-       I mean because I could not have referred to their relativity to each other as being ‘convenient’ if the person in this scenario was squinting due to light shining in his/her eyes, or some other form of light interference that said person found inconvenient.

-       So yeah we can totally lose those words ‘possibly even’. This person has absolutely figured out, dealt with, and taken care of business with any light source issues.

-       And if they have done that, then I think it is only natural for us to next be able to conclude that this person has well and truly figured out what they like BBQ sauce on, because this is a man/ woman who understands ‘sauces’, and if they have that under control then I think we can safely determine they are all over the dip situation. Something that goes hand in hand with a variety of snacks to dip deep down within that dip.

-       And they are comfortable, that was stated early on in this piece.

-       And you ain’t comfortable if you are dealing with any sort of physical, emotional or spiritual discomfort.

-       That means this person is almost certainly free of any major skeletal dilapidation, psychological pandemic, or even hereafter skepticism.

-       This person’s life sounds pretty damn wonderful.

-       And we haven’t even gotten to what is on the TV.

-       Which is probably something entertaining, or they’d change the channel, which is an action they were probably not on the midst of seeing as the position of sitting, lying or lounging we know them to be doing.          

Well my day today was sort of like this persons. So I’m gonna jump right out on a limb, wait a moment or two to make sure said limb has no structural weakness which may result in a breakage in any imminent amount of time, and then pronounce confidently and proudly, that today was the best of my life.