First lessons of 2010 already learned

If you are going to spend a day working as a street mime in front of a musical festival don’t accidentally take an oestrogen pill instead of your morning vitamin. You will end up being way more emotional than usual and when people start calling you gay (and they will) you will break down into uncontrollable sobbing tears simultaneously making people hate you for being such an intense homophobic and also thinking you’re a pathetic little crying girl. This combination is of course known as the ‘Phiby Affect’ where by the sufferer will have a memory so horrible planted in his mind that one day it will manifest itself in said person giggling whenever anyone says the word ‘Phibyhuster’ and even though that’s not a real word, so it hardly ever gets said, the thought of giggling about it for no apparent reason is a hard burden to carry.

What do you mean why do I even keep oestrogen pills in my medicine cabinet? How is that your business?

Ok fine, well for a while I deeply feared that I would one day spontaneously start physically switching into a woman, and I figured if it started happening I would have the oestrogen ready to speed it up so I could deal with it as quickly as possible, ok? Are you happy? Of course also so I could play with my new boobies as soon as possible? Are you satisfied?

Also, if you, like me, find yourself visiting a leper colony early this year, please don’t say “I’d give an arm and leg to watch you guys play rugby” they don’t find it funny at all for some reason.

On the other hand if you want a really good time, and a great new years hang over cure, go to a your nearest mall, head into the food court at the busiest time they have, pull up a seat in the middle of the actively, and while making as much of a scene as you can, slowly open a can of dog food and begin eating it with a fork all the while moaning and groaning about how delicious your meal is. Now, and this is where it really gets fun, as soon as people clearly start looking a bit sick, suddenly yell out, ‘this is the best dog food I have ever eaten, YOU CAN REALLY TASTE THE HORSE!!!!!’

I know what you’re thinking, there is a flaw in this plan, sometimes metal cans can be hard to open and create sharp edges which you can easily cut yourself on, and cutting yourself might severely dampen your hell yeah awesome fun. But not to worry, at your local kitchen appliance store you will find a myriad of fancy modern gadgets specifically designed for no more cuts while opening cans.

So have fun, it’s a guaranteed good time, you know, as long as you don’t mind eating the horse riddled dog food.

A message from a wonderful angel, awwww

Hello everybody, Its the angel of Kurt Cobain here, and I am SO SO SO excited to be back on earth, it is wonderful to see everyone, you all look so good and happy, wow, I am really please. Still I've got to tell you heaven is AWESOME!!!!!! I mean simply wonderful, the people are super friendly, the bleach in your hair grows out, the holes in your jeans magically fix themselves, and everyone speaks in an Australian accent, so everyone sounds so cool. Yay, so fun. It makes me smile just to think about it :) :) :) :) yay :)

Now that I have said that, I have unfortunately been brought here to talk to you about something very sad, and that is of course Charlie Sheens unfortunate arrest for abusing his wife, it what it seems was a case of both falling off the alcohol wagon. It is so sad when people succumb to this horrible disease known as alcoholism. Charlie don't you know, alcohol is full of nasty calories, often makes you snack on fatty foods which will clearly lead to need many more hours in the Gym, yes I know, that could make anyone angry, the gym is not a fun place at all, so violence does often end up being a result. It is so very sad.

The answer Mr Sheen is of course a wonderful alternative known as Heroin. Heroin makes all your naughty naughty angry drift away and also helps you keep skinny. Its wonderful!!

Maybe it would help if I told you a little more about my silly little path to heroin. I never did drugs but then people told me I wouldn't be cool if I didn't do drugs, so I started to pretend to do them, but then pretending got harder to maintain because you never know if people are just pretending to not notice your pretending which can make you paranoid, so then for a while I started doing them but pretended I didn't but I didn't like doing them and seeing as I was pretending I wasn't doing them it all felt a little pointless. So I went back to pretending I did them while pretending I enjoyed them meanwhile being paranoid all this pretending had gotten way out of hand.

I was in a no mans land of pretend and perplexity but then something fortuitous happened and I was randomly shot in the face with a shotgun and the doctor I was rushed to, turned out not to work in a hospital but rather the alley behind the rock club I was shot in, and he was less of a doctor and more of a heroin dealer. He said he could take my pain away in just moments. Seeing as my face was bleeding from numerous bullet fragment related wounds all over my face the doctor felt the quickest way to administer my medicine was to drip liquid heroin on his tongue and spit it in my face.

I never did like the drugs, but the feeling of the spit in the face was really soothing to my wounds, and I was instantly hooked. There was never any need to pretend anymore, I dove head deep into a permanent pattern of having people shoot me in the face and then spit on the wounds with heroin spit. It was heaven and trust me I have been to real heaven and heroin spat in gunshot wound heave, and they are both amazingly wonderful. Soon I discovered that I could shoot myself in the face and spit in my own face if I looked towards the ceiling and spitting and letting it fall on me. Oh my god was it good.

Eventually someone pointed out to me that shooting yourself in the face was dangerous, and doing heroin was dangerous, but shooting yourself in the face AND spitting heroin in your face wounds was just madness. So I joined shooting yourself in the face and having heroin spat in the wounds anonymous and got off the habit for a while.

Eventually I realized I was only pretending to not want to shoot myself in the face and spit heroin in my face, so I fell off the wagon, and I was out of practice so I accidentally shot my brain and died. Damn it, and people call it suicide or whatever, but it was just a mistake, I hate how they remember you wrong, but don't worry, up in heaven there is no hate, so everything is wonderful. Yay.

So I hope that helps you Charlie and everyone else, now I am going to go hang out with my beloved for a while before going all the way back up into the sky world, have I mentioned yet its awesome up there!!! I can't wait to see you up there. Bye bye. Yay :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

Currently reading:

My morning so far

I woke up on the right side of bed, but my bed was on the wrong side of the room, and my walls

had been wallpapered with images of leaves, as it turns out the sleep walking version of me is an

interior decorator! This scared me for a moment until I realised its better to be a sleep walking

decorator than being a sleep walking genital mutilator, and that cheered me up so I got out of

bed.

I made the bed, because I am a sucker for useless chores, and then I got dressed and went outside where there was a man on the street eating a bowl of cornflakes. I said “hey man don’t you know cornflakes were originally designed to curtail masturbation?” and he replied “Well do you see me masturbating?” and I looked down at him and realized this guy had three arms, and with his third arm you’re god damn right he was jerking it, so I said a jealous “touché” and shook his hand and I walked away.

Up the street I ran into a kitten and a puppy but I wasn't sure if the noise I made was an aawww or an eeewww, because the kitten was pooping on a sunflower and the puppy was urinating on a teddy bear, so I said aaaweeawwwaeeewwaa and walked away so confused I had to stop for a hot dog wrapped in pizza, now my pants feel tight, thanks a fucking lot kitten and puppy

Suddenly I was abducted by a scientist who shrunk me to a miniature size and injected me into a mans bladder allowing me a magical journey out of his penis,
it was a lot of fun but when the scientist brought me back to full size and I complained that she hooked me up with a penis and not a vagina the scientists got angry and she said 'women don't urinate out of their vaginas, it comes out there urethra you tool' I said 'hmmm I feel like LICKING your urethra' and then she kicked me out for some reason

I was so upset that I was cornered into coming up with the following names for my new band (that I have been trying to start for about six years, I'm still the only member, maybe the problem is me?)

Craving and enslaving

Desperate delusion face

Simply people not monkeys, people damn it

Naively unaware trash can lids

Blissfully insane blankets

The lives we touched (not in a pedophile way)

A last time together as friends (if I do something really weird so you leave me)

Deliriously deluded and other D words, Dangerous for example

Hysterically serene or is it serenely hysterical?

Cocky and insecure (wait is that possible)

The trials and tribulations of having a great ass & the adventures of Johnny Muttugalot

Over-thinkers anonymous is not a real place, yet

The smart idiot in the room (clue: not the drummer)

If the twist top exists why not use it (and other poor use of technology)

The horny corpse

Uniquely the same (like cake and muffins - not muffin tops, they're ugly)

Dave Jetlag Tieck and the half naked flight attendants

Then I thought, I'm thirsty, so I stopped for a Diet Dr Pepper and wondered what would happen in the afternoon

The big moments of 2010-2020!!!!!!!

With the end of the decade everyone is talking about the big moments of the past ten years, but that's boring, thats just talking about stuff thats already happened. Luckily I am one of those fortunate few who know what is YET to happen.

Here are some highlights of the next decade

People no longer run off to join the circus, now the circus comes home with its tail between its legs in hope of joining you

A new music trend called 'shunderling' has swept the world.Parents don't get it & Kanye West still hasn't made any unique or interesting music

People have finally tuned into how birds really eat, now when we feed ducks we vomit in their mouths

Sex robots came and went, but sex milkshakes took off big time. People are now fat and satisfied

People no longer rake leaves after it was discovered you can train dogs to eat them, now people just rake dog poo

Skydiving and squashing bugs have been combined into a hugely popular yet very bloody sport

The fashion trend to wear clothes quite wrinkled has come and if this one ends there's going to be murder sprees

There are no longer people who we consider to be fat, because we're all fat, there are less people injured from sex though

People have gotten realistic, we now have dessert first then ask if anyone has room for salad

The town drunk is once again an admired member of society, unfortunately there's a really long waiting list for the position

Carrots have finally taken the lead in their 30 year battle to be the most chipped vegetable

A man celebrated being the ultimate winner at a cockroach eating contest when he quit before starting

There's now a third number to consider when your going to the toilet. Number 3 - when you diarrhea out your bellybutton

Frogs staged an unsuccessful revolution inspired by frustration over human drinks hogging all the tiny umbrellas

Curtains have been renamed 'cruelty to peeping tom sheets' and we're all much happier because of it

Its going to be one hell of a decade, hope you're looking forward to it!!!!!!!!

Careful what your xmas present really says!

Thanks Dad, great Christmas present, ok what’s next, oh this one is from my beautiful wife Stephanie, oh its heavy, wowser, what is it? Oh my god a bowling ball!!!! Awesome!

Does this mean what I think it means? That you want me to go out with the boys, drinking and having fun without a care in the world while you stay home and do all of the housework no matter how much of it was mess that I created sometimes seemingly in defiance of the laws of physicals, like that poop stain on the roof of the garage, that’s so great.

Does this signify that you want me to spend quality time bonding with the guys while you do my laundry and cook my dinner even though I’ll probably eat at the bowling alley so you’ll end up serving it on the table for nothing, and then you’ll have to put into Tupperware, and then when I come home late and drunk I’ll make you reheat it for me, so I can have it as a late night snack, but then I will have had so much to drink that I’ll end up puking it in bed while lying next to you, and you won’t notice, so you’ll lie around in it for a few hours, letting it seep into your pores so you’ll smell of my vomit for the next few weeks, that’s so nice of you.

Does this imply that if I am going to flirt with a lady you’re now more than happy for it to be that hot waitress at the bowling alley that you got mad at me for looking down the top of her shirt to look at her boobs which are, lets say, much more ample than yours, and that now while I do that you’ll stay home scrub the toilet, even though this will only amplify how sore and saggy yours have become since you breast fed our babies and that in reality I will probably always think of her breasts every time we make love from now on, that so generous of you.

Does this connote that if I get drunk and start acting inappropriate and grabbing boobs you’d like them to be hers, and that if she likes it then who is getting hurt, because after all you were the one who sent me to the bowling alley to begin with, knowing that she would be there, and therefore if she invites me into the staff locker room so she can show me what they look like when taken out of her bra, and maybe what there feel like when I put my face between them and make horse noises, and that if she then suddenly takes off my pants and says ‘do me like you’ve never done your wife, so that I’ll end up doing her analy which you’ve never let me do with you, so that for ever more my most memorable sexual experience will be with her and not with you, while you stay home and clean off the many, many boogers I picked out and stuck under the coffee table because I was always too lazy to walk two steps to get a tissue, thanks so much, this is the best Christmas present ever!!!!!!!

Consider the dictionary now FIXED

I am horribly dyslexic, prone to writing in an insomnatic (coined by Dave, yell yeah) haze of half sleep, and even occasionally with more than the recommended amount of alcohol in ones system suggested by the world society of English excellence, who are dedicated to making sure people use English to its best possible uses (they recommend one glass of red wine followed by a shot of Methylated Spirits to be the ideal amount of alcohol to write great Shakespearesq incest stories or to die in a gutter outside a linen store). I also think fast and type fast but not quite fast enough to keep up with my racing brain. I'm also a really lazy editur (Check that out, ,that ones on purpose, so its funny?).

The point is I am a fucking awful speller, and break every rule of English and grammar in just about every thing I ever fucking write. (See heading of my blog of two days ago - its 'know' not 'now' you fucking tool!!!!)

This is where I get miffed, I know me write bad sometimes, sometimes even on purpose, as much as my use of language is flawed I also really enjoy playing with it. My novels are all written in the first person, and my characters are often uneducated and mentally ill, and its hell yeah fun to figure out how these people would talk and write, and purposely playing with those errors (this makes literary agents think YOU'RE mental ill and uneducated - its called character you tools, have an open mind). Still a pet hate of mine in the blog world, and it really doesn't happen to me all that often (my readers are lovely people :) is people who don't like someones opinion but have no ability to form a well thought out counter argument so who will then instead respond with something like - "Your fucked, and its you're not your learn to spell you tool". Thanks prick.

I do understand that it's better to get these things write (I still fuck those to around, and I'm a righter, maybe I am mentally ill) for the most part, what I don't understand is how anyone can have a life so perfect that their big gripe at any point in time is the poor use of apostrophes!

"Just when my life was wonderful you come along and ruin it 'YOU'RE' an asshole"
"No good sir, 'your' letting a little dash make you mad, if if something so minor can irritate you then you should be put in prison before you stab a 7/11 clerk for fucking up your change'!

Ok get off your fucking pony Dave, this was supposed to be a funny blog.

Ok, time to fix the dictionary. And there is one place where this must begin.

Take a knee team. We need to talk. It seems some of you have been misinterpreting what your coach here means when he tells you that there is no 'I' in team. I was giving you all a lesson in teamwork on the field and then some of you stopped coming to practice and when I asked you why you would say to me 'because you told me I was not in the team'. That's not what I meant at all. But just to make things a little easier why don't I go ahead an make an amendment to the dictionary, from now on there IS an 'I' in team. Ok? So you are all in the team.

Oh fuck. It just occurred to me that I just said 'you' are in the team, but there IS NO 'u' in team, and I feel that might confuse a few of you, so let me just whack a u in there, so we can all now agree that we're all in the team.

Fuck me dead. There is no 'we're' in team. Well I don't care how pissed off Webster gets at me, I am whacking a we're in there. And you know what, lets get a 'me' in there too, who knows, are some of you going 'coach what about me, am me in the team', well you're goddamn right me is.

Anyway time to hit the field boys, but first, on the count of three, one, two, three goooooooooooo teiwe'reumeam!!!!!!!!!!!


So there you go everyone, first step of fixing the dictionary - DONE. Getting rid of annoying cliches like 'there is no I in team'. See how this is done.

I'm going to assume that a world wide movement just this moment begun to fix the rest of these quibbles. So step two in fixing the dictionary - DONE. Starting a world wide movement to re-spell words so people can't use them to make annoying cliche points.

And amazingly we're already up to step three, and the FINAL step. Wow, this was easier than I thought.

Here it is, once step one and step two are complete, there will still be a few annoying errors in the dictionary, this is because the dictionary was written a long time ago, in very different times, by a bunch of randomly selected people, who were incapable of figuring out the true influence and chaos of their choices, who were frankly at least occasionally a little retarded or mentally ill. Unfortunately some people worship these past word guys as some sort of ancient gods not to be questioned at anytime. I mean seriously - to, two & too, there, their and they're, live as in to be alive, and live as in happening right now, and live as in on a stage in front of you, by and bye, hi and high, lie and the other lie, this is the work of people either messed in the head, or seriously didn't think the world would take their joke seriously.

So next time someone complains to you about a tiny error in your writing let them know that their ability to be upset over something ultimately inconsequential makes you want to stab them in the face. While they are figuring out just how serious you are, remind them that this is an old book which is in dire need of a modern update with practicality and rationality as number one priority, and that their NAZI (God I hate people using that word for anything other than the Hitler NAZIs, fashion NAZI, spelling NAZI - fuck off) like obsession with following an ancient deeply flawed document is akin to someone refusing to accept all medical knowledge acquired in the past 200 years.

If they still want to complain about your use of 'your' instead of 'you're' then ACTUALLY stab them in the face, and instead of taking them to the doctor hand them a bowl of leeches.

Dictionary - FIXED!!! Hell yeah. Dave 'Jetlag' Tieck strikes again.

Only magical tennis rackets shit in the woods - and stuff

Hell yeah wowser,

Some good stuff

I've been entering this myspace weekly photography competition and only a couple of times in and I fucking won one. Yay to me.

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=380097744&blogId=522965139

I've been accepted into an exclusive acting school in Los Angeles and assuming I can get my student visa all worked out (big assumption, I also 'assume' I'll write a book that outsells the bible one day, assumptions are fun!) I'll be coming back to La La land soon.

Assuming that these assumptions are acceptable to the admitting authorities I will soon be back hosting my show at IO Went in Hollywood, Ok Intriguing.

http://west.ioimprov.com/io/shows/1029

And assuming that I can keep building this wonderful show from its humble beginnings into a comedic and artistic masterpiece of excellence that people love so much it changes you know something or whatever (or just because I can't help doing these things), I am going to launch the Ok, Intriguing online talk show really soon (as I alluded to in an earlier blog). One of my co-hosts will be the beautiful and talented Jacqueline Beaulieu

http://www.myspace.com/jacquelinebeaulieu

Check out some stuff we've done

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XylIhoUPgq4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XSIrnJmKP50

I'm still looking for a nut job crazy person to be involved as well, so keep those nominations coming in. (Tila Tequila still hasn't emailed me :( )

It looks like I might also get to be a part of this awesome girls radio show soon, I'll keep you posted, but add her up

http://www.myspace.com/alienkismet

I got an email from Myspace today saying they had removed one of my photos and if I keep up my shenanigans they may delete me. I can't even fathom what photo they didn't like, I think I barely showed even man nipple, and no violence or images of kids or anything, and I haven't even uploaded any pics recently. But anyway, should I be deleted I'll probably rebuild here

http://www.myspace.com/manandthecity

(also duck into the archives of that blog, I wrote tonnes of stuff over there, much of it I would probably horrify me, to know I thought those ways at times, so feel free to point some embarrassing stuff out to me)

I might even build over here

http://www.myspace.com/Rainy_Dave

Or I may start a new profile called 'why did I start so many fucking profiles'

I would be tempted to build here

http://www.myspace.com/randomimpishrain

But I started that profile while drunk a few weeks back to work on my alter-ego Random Impish Rain, the nutbar rock star, but I can't freaking remember the log in details, I think I might have opened a new email account, but with who or what I have no ideas. Fuck!

I still think the closest to an offensive photo I have is this one. And mother nature made him, in all his gloryness! (If I spell check that is suggestions gloominess - proof spell check is a pessimistic prick) Actually when I got the note a photo was offensive I just assumed that this was the photo that was removed and before I even checked I was fuming at myspace for removing a photo of a rock. Turns out I was harshly jumping to conclusions, it was probably just my face they didn't like.






Oh speaking of which, I got those glasses things yesterday, only 15 years after I first started needing them. Are you supposed to feel like you're stuck in some sort of wonky circus mirror looking through these?




Also Brittany Murphy died today, its the first time a celebrity has died that I genuinely hoped to sleep with one day, I feel wrong thinking that today, but then again she'd want to be remembered as a hottie right?

A lesson you all already now (or your parents should be in jail)

I know, its ironic isn't it? The inventor of the 'bed' was NOT a lazy guy at all. CLEARLY I am serious.

"Dad, I am tired, but sleeping on the dirty rock hard floor is uncomfortable wah wah wah"
"Shut up you little shit, I didn't have kids to listen to whining all the time, if you want to sleep on something more comfortable than the floor then fucking invent something more comfortable you fucking lazy fucking shit"

I don't know why I am writing this dialogue, we all know the story right? The great, legendary story of the invention of the bed, as passed from generation to generation since the bed was invented in 1972. (I don't know why people get so excited about the free love fuck fest of the 60s, fucking not in a bed, no THANK you!!!!)

Really.

Really.

Some of you don't know this story? Well ok, I'll continue, but instead of reading on you should really have your parents arrested for negligence for not sharing this story with you.

"ok I will" said the whiny uncomfortable boy (at the time more to prove his asshole father wrong, that he wasn't lazy, rather than to invent a wonderfully delightful way to sleep, well a thing to sleep ON anyway)

That's the end of the story, now I feel like I should just have finished in the beginning.

And so the bed was invented, and my god hell yeah did this invention sweep the world.

"You mean I don't have to sleep on concrete anymore?"
"There is a soft thing I can sleep on now?"
"Bed as in the opposite of ded, sounds like the opposite of horrible"

So the commercials chanted, with cheesy actors failing to convince even the retards that this was their words and not the words of an uneducated copy writer, but we still bought beds, hell yeah we did, and we loved their comphy beautiful heavenlyness comfortablenesslyness.

Within a yeah earth had been re-named. We now lived on Bedland, where lots of people slept on beds.

"Bedariffic" was something no one said at the time, but as I am sure you know, years later, EVERYONE claimed to have said life was "bederiffic" in bedland". Even people who weren't alive when earth was named bedland. Those lying fucks.

I am glad you all know the story, or else I just gave a little spoiler, that's right, bedland didn't last. As you know, only six years after the invention and embration and proliferation of beds to such an extent that world peace was declared and as a new union of acceptance based on sweet delicious and refreshing nights sleeps was formed with a world wide governing body formed after the first delegate super comphy sleep over party, we decided in a vote of all the world, with a marigin of 4 billion, 208 million, 387 thousand and 12 to the rest of those losers who voted against it, that earth was renamed bedland.

But then, of course, came Star Trek, who stole all the technology from the bedland rulers, and slaughtered a random 10% of bedland extremists which scared off the other 90% of extemists so they were just enthusiast which of course have way less influence than extremists, and then they covered up this slaughter by making it look like those 10% of slaughtered extremists had died by choking on their own vomit at the age of 27, ironically making those exact same extremists be remembered as legends rather than martyrs, no wait that too, I mean, you know the bad dudes. SAME FUCKING THING THEY DID TO HENDRIX JUST BECAUSE HE INVENTED THE AWESOME LIGHTING OF ONES GUITAR ON FIRE WHILE ONE SOLOS LIKE ONES AWESOMENESSOUS WIND ONE COOL!!! Those guitarist and bedist extremist hatering motherfuckers.

Lessons:
Extremists are not as feared as enthusiasts
Star Trek ruined Bedland
Hendrix would be remembered differently if we didn't write about him in capitals

Thats what people forget in history if you ask me, and even if you don't ask me, is Jealousy, people forget that fucking jealousy makes people do angry stuff. Plus you know jealousy is always cleverly edited to show certain people in certain light shops, and the way they are percieved, its history assholes, not reality TV.

Anyway, don't forget bedland, or Hendrix, or the fact that despite a desire to sleep in comfort, the inventor of the bed was NOT lazy!

This is just bad kiddies

Not good. Last week I wrote a bunch of talk show monologue jokes trying to get inside of the mind of Jimmy Fallon and hope that he would give me a job writing for his show. I just looked back over them, my god, these really aren't good.

So with that awesome lead in, please imagine Jimmy Fallon saying the following.

Monologue Jokes – written week of December 7^th – 11^th

A recent study out of the University of Minnesota has determined that casual sex does NOT damage emotion well-being

So crises adverted people, Lindsay Lohan is doing just fine after all

On the other hand it was confirmed that a complete lack of sex DOES damage emotional well-being

As a result Ryan Seacreast has been put on suicide watch

Sarah Palin was at a book signing this week and a man tried to throw tomatoes at her

Palin wasn’t affected though and in fact didn’t even notice what was happening, but in her defense when you can see all the way to Russia it’s hard to concentrate on what’s happening in just one room

.. ..

Everyone is still talking about the student who asked Obama if he’ll legalize drugs to help stimulate the economy

Everyone that is except Snoop Dogg who’s been too high to read the news for 22 years

It’s been reported that prostitutes in Copenhagen have been offering delegates at the Global Warming summit free sex

As a result the delegates have changed the main topic of discussion from ‘how can we stop global warming’ to ‘how can we maintain global warming so we can have this summit every year’

When asked for comment on the summit Bill Clinton merely screamed ‘Copenhagen more like Cop-a-hard-on!’

This week billionaire Richard Branson unveiled his new space ship which he claims will take tourists into space for $200,000 from 2011

It sounds like a lot until you realize that’s the projected cost for 2011 Yankee tickets

Adam Lambert was on the View this week in what was considered a bold move by the View

This is of course because it was the first time the show has ever included an attractive female

It’s also been reported that Adam Lambert may perform at the Oscars

Producers were worried at first, until they were reminded there was no way the Oscars could be any gayer than Hugh Jackman’s Oscars last year

New England.. quarter back Tom Brady and his super model wife Gisele Bunchen had a baby boy this week

Everyone is saying the kid is bound to be attractive, talented and successful, but I don’t know? Seems like a risk naming him Jan Brady

I man is suing Caesars Palace for allowing him to gamble away over a 150 million dollars in one year in their casino

Meanwhile Tiger Woods was heard saying ‘really, you can make stupid moronic mistakes and sue someone else for it? I’m suing those two female teachers I walked in on having sex for making me so horny I couldn’t stop”

Now where is my talk show writing job?????????

Its just wrong people, hell yeah wrong

This week an Australian man was fined $10,000 (ok it was a sportsman and he was finned by his club, but he was arrested first) for urinating in public on the same week a study came out that there are now around 400,000 dogs in my state of NSW, thats right, I know what your thinking, and your right, 400,000 dogs are out there laughing in our faces because they get to piss where ever they want and us humans are caged in by our leaders and police refusal to allow us to put our urine anywhere not made from porcelain, and like you I am outraged.

Not just dogs either, wild animals are pooping and pissing everywhere and we allow it, but humans cant do it anywhere!! It's madness.

Australian police have announced a crack down on public urination this xmas/new years period, and frankly I want to piss in peace.

Ok, I am not saying I want a world that stinks of piss, but if I cant piss why can dogs?

What I am really saying, of course, is I drink lots of liquid, and therefore I piss a lot, and there are like no public toilets on earth anymore, and sometimes I really need to go, and there is only so much urine you can drip out of your penis hole before you have a very embarrassing wet patch on your pants.

What I am really saying, of course, is that I have basically pissed my pants in public a bunch of times as an adult, and the alternative is often pissing in public, which is ILLEGAL FOR ME AND NOT FOR DOGS!

Thanks cops.

Here are some true embarrassing urine stories

A friend of mine once, while trying to avoid arrest for urinating in public, snuck in to a dark alley corner and accidentally pissed on a homeless man

A few years back two friends of mine were arrested in Amsterdam for pissing in public (turns out they accidentally pissed on a police station, directly under a security camera) the next day they both fucked prostitutes (not relevant, but it should still be noted)

About a year ago I was wearing what turned out to be particularly absorbent pants, couldn't find a toilet, and it was still light out, and I couldn't find a quiet spot, I soon had a wet patch around my groin as big as a basketball, and I had to walk right up through the main packed area of Hollywood Blvd with someone I didn't know well (my method to deal with this was suddenly talk so consistently and fast he never got the chance to say, 'hey Dave, did you just piss your pants?')

Reasons urinating in public is cool

- Because it saves water from flushing and that and waters gardens, hell yeah I just enviromentalised your ass
- If a dog licks it up its hilarious
- If a bug drowns in it you can easily say 'well there is my revenge for that one time a fly landed on my cupcake'
- You don't wash your hands after so your next few handshakes really count (in this situation I recommend shaking hands with nightclub bouncers)
- If your a girl us boys can enjoy watching you navigate your clothes so you can squat just right
- It makes you like a fountain, and if you don't like fountains then thats all the government needs to prove your a communist (more dangerous during the cold war, but still never let anyone know you don't like fountains)
- There were no toilets in Jesus's day, what, are you too good to pee like Jesus did?
- Because adult diapers will make you look like you have huge but mushy genitals
- Street hooligans do it and if we're ever to understand what motivates someone to live a life of street hooligisming then we should at least be willing to take a urine in their shoes (you can also stab someone in the face to understand them better, but you may get in trouble, you know cause stabbing people in the face is frowned upon)
- If you have blood in your urine but your too scared to see a doctor a doctor may by chance see you urinating bloody urine on a mail box, which just goes to prove that a complete unwillingness to urinate in public is guaranteed to kill you
- Because you can write your name







Hell yeah!

So lets take a stand people. I want a million urine river flowing towards Washington and Canberra (Aussie DC) tomorrow morning. (and other capitals I can't be bothered to list). Call your friends, because tomorrow I am pleading with you piss where you please, please!!!!!!!!!!

By the way have you ever entered a restaurant bathroom and been GLAD to discover a bathroom attendant, you know with those mints and stuff? If so you're weird. Just saying.

Ps the reason that people are uncomfortable talking about masturbation is because we ALL do it, so can some of you please stop so the rest of us can talk about how strange you are? (I was already talking about the activities of our genitals so yes, it makes perfect sense to raise this now!)

I had one more thing I was going to put here, but I forgot what it was, just saying.

Oh wait, something about pigeons I think.

Go on, name and shame me

I just watched two shows back to back which talked about people's nick names and it occurred to me that I have never really had a nick name, other than Tiecky, real fucking creative the million or so people I have met or come across world, thanks a fucking lot. (just for that I am collectively nick naming you peoply, see how you fucking like it!!!)

Is it that hard people? Spot something you know about me and call me the opposite, hey you with the long hair, I'm going to name you short hairy, ha ha.

See then were all happy, but me, and the unimaginative tools who came up with that just reverse cliche shit.

If you want to figure out your porn name its easy, you take the street you grew up on and your first pet, which is fucking awesomenessous unless you grew up on small street, and your first pet was named picnic, cause Small Picnic is an awful name for a porn star, plus what kind of a name for a pet is picnic, stupid half dead bird I adopted after it had been run over by a car, you were an awful pet, and I am glad the next door neighbors cat ate you on the lawn. (wait, on the lawn, for a meal, like a picnic, ha ha, ironic).

Ps right now I am dripping in sweat from showering. I think I need to work on my fitness again.

Anyway, I want a nick name, hell yeah, god damn it. And you can't nick name yourself, unless you are one of the biggest tools to have ever lived (I'm looking at you every single rap singer ever). So I am looking for suggestions.

Nick name me people. I want suggestions from all of you readers of mine. Then I want to pick the best and have a vote. Then I want to tell people I am now Dave (tbd) Tieck, and you better not forget it.

Hammer me people.

By the way

It turns out if your nick name is 'cancer face' and you have skin cancers on your face then your friends might be dicks!

Oh also

It turns out that having a pony living in your pubes is worse than having crabs! Yet 12yo girls are still asking for ponies for xmas! Wow kids are so cute, dont ya think?

Some AMAZING things I just discovered at the gym

It turns out having brown poo is a sign your not eating ENOUGH chocolate! Who knew? That mother digestion really is a tricky tricky bitch.

If you have an asian name which sounds sort of like a really fun swear which would make kiddies giggle then you should name a restaurant after it because then you'll get free advertisement at www.funnybusinessnames.net

Warning: Never ever go to www.funnybusinessnames.COM it is a front for a mafia money laundering scheme, and you don't want to be one of 'those', by which I mean someone so cool you literally are living out the life of the Sopranos without a fucking care in the world, cause cool kills.

The word gumption means to have like a good work ethic NOT to have a phobia that your left shin bone is actually made of rubber and one day may grow hard should it ever be exposed to a brick which has been exposed to a heat so hot that the brick has morphed into some weird rubber hardening evil gas. Fuck me, I am suddenly no where near as scared of having gumption than I once was.

If you too want to make discoveries as AMAZING as this head to your local (or not local if you kind of like driving a long way, I recommend and excellent CD by one of your favorite musicians to make your drive even more entertaining) and simply work out, it will have no other benefits, but discoveries people, discoveries. AMAZING ones.

If you want to change the color of your poo, here is a helpful guide of what chocolate to eat

For red poo - Eat chocolate with a hazelnut cream centre
For purple poo - Eat pure white chocolate
For yellow poo - Eat half a snickers, then a whole pack of regular M&Ms then eat the other half of the snickers
For green poo - Eat two pounds of any chocolate formed into the shape of a weapon
For rainbow colored poo - Eat seventy two after dinner chocolate peppermint squares, not more than seventy two, not less, exactly seventy. I don't want to get letter from people saying 'I ate seventy three after dinner chocolate peppermint squares and my poo is still brown", thats YOUR fuck up not MINE.

Red, purple, yellow, green and rainbow are the only possible poo colors, plus brown of course, not ask me why, ask mother digestion, she's a funny one.

I am sick, my god am I sick!

Do you ever think back to the moment you were squeezed out of your moms vagina, your covered in blood and placenta, and your crying, and then you realize 'holy shit I'm a new born, I shouldn't be seeing this!'

Oh shit now I have just visualized this. Thanks a lot brain, I feed you with grains and corn and alcohol and this is how you repay me, with a visualization of a new born me coming sliding out of my own mothers vagina.

Oh shit, I just visualized it again. I am sick, I am a sick sick fucking man.

I hope you know I did not plan this blog out, this isn't something I pre-thought, this is just whats happening in my mind as I write and I have done it, I have made myself feel ill from my very own sense of humor.

Ok, so I should never tell this story to another human being ever in my life, and I never have again, and I wish I wasn't about to, but I will, because as I mentioned above I am a sick sick man.

Here goes - the first time I ever saw an adult vagina

Wait hold on for a moment - a week or so ago on this blog I confessed that I played I'll show if you show with a girl when I was about five and she pulled it apart and I swear there were balls inside her vagina, balls, testicles, scrotum, just like mine but smaller and inside, what the fuck was that? I asked it before but I still want answers my friends, hell yeah, I want answers, what the hell are inside the vagina balls?

So I walk out of my bedroom, I am about fourteen years old, when out of the blue there it is, a naked woman! Hell yeah.

Well it would be, except its my mother.

AAAAUUGGHGGHGHGUUGUGUHG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Is what I should have thought, before headbutting the wall until I passed out in a bloody mess of my own minds eye as if I had just looked into gods asshole and it was twenty times brighter than the sun.

Instead, fuck me dead, I can still picture this, and I deserve death, but I first thought 'hell yeah, nude lady'. I WAS A REPRESSED LONELY PRE-PUBECENT TEEN OK!!! DONT JUDGE ME!

Here, yes only here, is where it gets really creepy.

My mind, in this moment, this horrible, fucking disgusting moment, I think to myself 'just look at her tits, you can see pussy anytime you want..... with your mind'.

just look at her tits, you can see pussy anytime you want..... with your mind

just look at her tits, you can see pussy anytime you want..... with your mind

just look at her tits, you can see pussy anytime you want..... with your mind

just look at her tits, you can see pussy anytime you want..... with your mind

just look at her tits, you can see pussy anytime you want..... with your mind

just look at her tits, you can see pussy anytime you want..... with your mind

just look at her tits, you can see pussy anytime you want..... with your mind

just kill me, please fucking kill me, WHY IS THIS IN MY MEMORY BANK, NO NO NO, PLEASE GOD NO

What the hell was wrong with me, what the hell IS wrong with.

Ok lets look at this rationally, first off, I can see pussy anytime I want.... with my mind? Excuse me, how on earth could I possibly think that, I had never seen a pussy, what where did I think this magical pussy imagining ability would be conjured by??? Its like god ok, you can believe all you want, but you can't know till you've seen it, and the pussy was like god to me.

Secondly, look at her tits!!!! I live in Australia, our beaches are topless, and girls takes advantage of this, because there is no time girls would rather show off their tits than when they are sandy, lying on their back so they are sitting flat and deflated like deflated balloons, and red from over sun exposure, so yeah, hell yeah, I had already seen some poorly presented tit, so just look at her tits.

Oh god, I must stop writing this, I started with one of my usual 'hey I'll say something gross and then enjoy people being disgusted' type 'jokes' and it led me down a dark and horrible path.

I apologize to all.

So hey, ever made a horrible, disgusting, revolting, yet retarded decision, tell me all about it, please tell me, or else I need to drill a hole in my head and pour chlorine inside.